~ Chapter Eighty One ~

Daylight was just beginning to shine around the edge of the window blinds when Nick opened his eyes the next morning.  He rolled over, away from the window, not ready to wake up yet, stopping just short of crushing Stacy.  He really must have woken up early, he couldn't remember ever waking up before she did.  His pillow had vanished, Nick had never figured out exactly how he managed to wake up to find it on the floor, and right now retrieving it required too much effort. 

He tucked his arm up underneath his head as a substitute, moving over closer to Stacy, unable to stop his smile or the warm fuzzy feeling that started in his chest and rapidly spread, as she snuggled up against him, her arm slipping around his waist. 

Nick lay quietly for a minute, not really thinking consciously, but still aware of Stacy breathing next to him.  For the first time he could ever remember, in his entire life, Nick had woken up and had the feeling that he was actually going to be okay.   It was a feeling he had felt for brief moments before, usually with Brian or Stacy, but this was the first time he looked ahead at his life, at the upcoming baseball season, at spring training starting in just two weeks, and realized that he was going to be okay, that he was going to pull through.  He almost felt like waking Stacy up and telling her, but he didn't.  He had a feeling that doing so would in some strange way ruin the moment. 

Stacy shifted slightly, and the slight glimmer of the thin chain around her neck caught Nick's eye.  Caught somewhere on that chain was the tiny little angel he had given her just a month ago.

Ever since Nick had met with that little girl in Chicago, the idea of someone making a difference or impact in someone else's life had been toying around in the back of his mind.  It was hard for him to grasp how much one person could change someone's life, but Brian had. 

What truly amazed Nick was that it wasn't just his life Brian had changed; there were so many different people that Brian had touched.  From the rest of the guys on the team to Brian's family, to the children he visited at the hospitals, even to the fans that had never met him, and only looked at him as someone to emulate. 

The more Nick thought about it, the more he decided that Becky had been right all along.  Brian was an angel.  He always had been. 

"Are you actually awake, or have you taken to sleeping with your eyes open?"  Stacy twisted until she was on her stomach, propping her chin on her hand. 

Nick stared in confusion for a moment, trying to figure out if this was a hypothetical question, or if he was really supposed to answer it somehow.  "Huh?"  He said finally. 

She laughed at him.  "How come you're up so early?"

"I have no idea."  Nick admitted.

"You look happy."  Stacy pointed out, reaching over and pushing his hair back off his forehead.

"It shows, huh?"

~*~

Kevin was one of just a few players in the deserted clubhouse in Peoria, sitting in front of his locker, weighing his bats and carefully writing the result on the end of the handle.  He, for one, was glad spring training had started.  Kevin needed his structure and schedules and rules.  After the last two weeks of catchers and pitchers in camp, he was feeling more relaxed than he had since September.  Yelling at people, especially people like AJ, who honestly didn't care, had a soothing effect. 

Today, however, would bring on an entirely new realm of yelling and ordering.  Today was the last day for position players to report to spring training.  So far, everyone had shown up, except for Nick.  Just that thought gave Kevin's mood another boost.  So what if Nick still had another four hours before he was required to be there - he was still the last one, and that made Kevin happy. 

"Why the hell is that evil smile on your face?"  AJ demanded, as he skipped down the clubhouse aisle, neatly avoiding the piles of junk in front of various lockers. 

"There was nothing evil about it."  Kevin corrected, not looking directly at AJ, to try and save his eyes.  During the off season, AJ had looked almost normal.  His hair, for the majority of the time, had been his natural color, or at least A natural color, and then February 14th, AJ appeared in the clubhouse with his hair colored shocking neon green.  It hurt to look at his head without a hat, especially in bright light. 

"There's something very evil about it."  AJ corrected.  "I don't know what disgusting little evil thoughts your catcher's brain is plotting right now, but it's not going to work!"  He let loose with a demented cackle.  "It's one of you against all of us in the bullpen, my friend."

"I'd say it's a pretty fair fight then."  Nick was standing in the doorway of the clubhouse, bag slung over his shoulder, arms folded as he watched the two men in front of him.  "Maybe Kevin has a slight advantage.  AJ, what the hell did you do to your hair?"

Nick could look straight on at AJ, he was wearing sunglasses, Kevin reasoned. 

"There was a nuclear accident."  AJ deadpanned. 

"Is Felicia speaking to you now?"  Nick added.

"Speaking, yes.  Physical contact... not unless I'm wearing a hat."

"Kevin?"  Nick tipped his head to one side and watched him weigh another bat.  "Um, you know the manufacturer tells ya how much they weigh?"

"They're wrong half the time."  Kevin said stubbornly. 

"And Kevin's anal..."  AJ added in a singsong tone.

"Don't you have something to do?"  Kevin snapped back.  "I thought you had an entire list this spring.  Brainwashing the coaching staff?  Painting the bullpen benches pink?  Talking to the grounds crew about rolling the grass in a friendly message to aliens?  Will you go do one of those and leave me alone?"

"Dude, if you say so..."  AJ jumped backwards as Kevin brandished a bat at him; in spite of the fact he was already a good four feet out of range.  "Hey, Buddy!"  He latched himself onto the arm of the manager, as Buddy tried to sneak past into his office.  "And how are you doing today?"

Nick laughed.  "Poor Buddy." 

Kevin wrinkled his nose in the direction of Buddy's office, where Buddy was trying to block AJ from entering.  "Buddy will just have to deal with it, like the rest of us."

"Kevin," Nick bent over and stared at him.  "Why the evil smile?"

~*~

Supporting Article in ESPN Magazine - March 15th

Just one year ago, the American League rookie of the year, much to the chagrin of Yankees fans the world over, was shipped out of town, to Seattle no less, a town that may be known for their coffee, but not baseball.  Talk raged for months afterwards as to why Nick Carter had left New York, and the Yankees organization, an organization he had grown up in, where his father played virtually his entire career, and was inducted into the Hall of Fame. 

We caught up with Nick Carter this year in spring training, with the intention of finding some answers.  Why did he leave New York in the first place, and how did playing on a World Championship team change his outlook on baseball?

"Well, I was a brat."  The twenty one year old Carter says with a wide grin, when asked about the situation in New York.  "That's the short version, I wanted out, I threw a fit; they got rid of me.  I don't really blame them."

When pressed for a more detailed, less flippant explanation, he leans back in his chair and looks serious for once.  "I think it just got to a point where I needed to get out of there, and I needed to be on my own, figure stuff out for myself rather than having it dictated to me, and grow up a little." 

He may have done just that.  Not only does he look older, sporting a couple days worth of stubble instead of his usual clean cut, pinup look, but his attitude, both on the field, and in front of the camera, is more relaxed than the previous season. 

"Yeah, I probably did mature."  He agrees, when the subject is brought up, before adding quietly.  "I don't think I had much of a choice." 

When asked about his father, a look of mild annoyance flickers across his face, before he leans forward, elbows on knees.  "You know, this is something that comes up every single interview I do, and I'm really tired of talking about it.  I'm tired of being 'Bob Carter's son', and starting this season, I'm not going to talk about it anymore, 'cause I think... I need to move on.  My father is someone that I respect... for his playing ability, and for his knowledge of baseball, and that's where it ends."

He wouldn't elaborate further, merely shaking his head when asked about the rumor that he and his father weren't on speaking terms, or how long the situation had gone on. 

The smile that has been readily apparent in spring training this year appears again when talk shifts back to the current season, and the team's chances.  "I don't know if we'll ever have a season like last year; that was something... there was something magical in a way about it.  I don't think I'll ever play for a team quite like that ever again, you know, even in spite of what happened - everything with Brian - and the fact that we still went all the way... I just don't see something like that happening again.  It was kind of a once in a lifetime experience."

"Brian...  I really don't even know where to start.  I give him credit for screwing my head on straight.  He was an amazing person.  He touched so many different people's lives in so many ways, and in such a short time.  You can ask any other guy on this team, and they'll tell you the exact same thing."

As for his changed outlook, "Yeah, I think I do look at life differently now, I... have a sense of stability that I've never had before.  I learned that sometimes, you gotta let go, and... you can't control everything.  And most of all, I think I realized that... it's the tiniest little things that end up changing your life the most."  He leans back in his chair again, laughing at the thought.  "The little plays win the game, ya know?"

~*~

Nick propped his chin on his fist and glowered at the couple sitting across the table from him.  AJ was bad enough on his own, but pair him up with Felicia and the cheerful level of the room tripled.  Add in Natalie, and it was enough to give Nick a headache.  Usually, it didn't bother him, in fact the mood was contagious, Kevin had even been pulled into fussing over Natalie last week.   He would have denied the fact had anyone asked him, but Nick had seen it. 

Tonight, however, they were grating on Nick's nerves.  He was tired, he missed Stacy, and ever since batting practice that morning, he had been thinking about Brian.  He had been watching the Mariners new second baseman, a Dominican Republic native that had come up through the Mariners farm system, and it bothered him that Brian was replaced that easily. 

"Guys..."  Nick started, not bothering to finish his sentence until he had their attention.  AJ was teasing Felicia about something, Nick hadn't been paying enough attention to follow the conversation.  She was laughing at him, and neither of them were paying any mind to Nick. 

"AJ!"  He said it sharply this time, continuing when AJ glanced at him distractedly.  "I'm calling it a night, I'll see you guys tomorrow." 

AJ raised one eyebrow.  "So soon?  We haven't even gotten Kevin drunk yet!"

"It's okay.  I'll catch the hangover in the morning."  Nick shrugged.  "That's just as much fun."

"Are you okay, Nick?"  Felicia leaned forward so she could see around AJ. 

She would be the one that noticed and asked.  Nick ran his hand through his hair and tried to smile, even though he didn't really feel like it.  "Yeah, I'm fine.  I'm gonna go call Stacy.  'Night."  He ignored the kissing noises that AJ made at his back, and headed for the elevators. 

It bothered him that with only one roster move, the team suddenly had a starting second baseman again, and the only record of Brian was a few lines of statistics and a League Championship MVP trophy. 

He dialed home and shut the blinds to the windows of his room.  They faced west, and while the sunset was pretty, it was also blinding.  The answering machine picked up.

"Hey, I figured you'd be home by now... I guess you're working late tonight, call me when you get in... I..." He paused, chewing on his lower lip.  "Um, never mind, I'll talk to you when you get home.  Miss you."  Nick hung the phone up and flopped across the bed, just as bummed out as he had been sitting downstairs.

He rolled over, hanging down off the foot of the bed and rummaging through his bag, looking for his Walkman and CD case, when his fingers felt the spiral binding of a notebook.  He frowned, he hadn't packed a notebook that he remembered.  The wire was caught on the inside of the bag, and he pulled the bag up onto the bed with him, carefully unhooking the book. 

It was the notebook he'd taken with him pretty much every road trip last season, the same one he'd thrown at Stacy the night before they went back to LA to finish the World Series.  He had taken it with him on the flight, in fact, he vaguely remembered it on the way down, and hadn't thought about it since. 

He flopped back onto the bed, paging through the notebook, the various sketches of the last year.  The notebook was over three quarters full; he'd have to find another one before the first road trip of the season.  He was almost ready to toss the book back towards his bag when writing on one of the last pages caught his eye.  He hadn't written there, plus it was written in blue pen, and Nick always used black, even if it meant searching for ten minutes until he found the right color. 

The words were written almost diagonally across the page, starting up in the left corner.

Nick,

I can think of so many things that I should have told you, or want to tell you, but I won't get to.  This notebook isn't long enough to list all of them, but I feel like I need to say something.

Most of all, I want to say thank you for your friendship the last eight months.  I can't even begin to put into words how much you've meant to me.  You were one of many people who didn't let me down, in spite of the fact that I expected them to, and out of everyone that I've known, I consider you to be my best friend.  So, thank you, in case I never get a chance to say it later. 

In spite of how it may seem, I'm being remembered through you, through Becky, AJ, even Kevin, although he'll be stubborn until the very end and deny it.  Just remember, sometimes it's the smallest things that can change someone's life.  

Brian