Hearing the bounce of a basketball from the back of the house, Nick made his way around to see who was outside shooting. It was Jack showing off for absolutely no one. The kid had some talent, there was no doubt. Quietly, opening the gate, Nick snuck in and waited for his perfect opportunity. Just as Jack was running in for a lay-up, Nick shot out from his hidden spot and stole the ball, spinning around as he tossed the ball into the net-less hoop.

“I think that’s an “H” for you.”

“Oh, man…don’t even play fair!” Jack had to laugh as he ran off to get the ball from under an old dilapidated dog house. “Ben’s not here anyway.”

“He’s not? We were supposed to meet today…” He looked at his watch to be sure he wasn’t too early or late and sighed seeing he was right on time. “Okay, is he coming back or is he avoiding me on purpose?”

Jack shot the ball up from an imaginary three point mark, sunk it and cheered for himself. “I so rock!” Holding his hands out for Nick to toss back the rebound ball, he caught it and immediately shot again, missing this time. “Crap. Yeah, he’s pissed you made him trim all those bushes.”

“So he’s doggin’ our time? He’s just beggin’ me to tell Miss Romero about those tires, isn’t he?”

“I dunno, man. Just shoot the ball.”

Nick dribbled out to where Jack was standing and took aim. Stopping himself, he looked down to Jack and bonked him on the head with the ball. “What do you have going this afternoon? I was takin’ Ben to the IMAX…you wanna come instead?”

“I gotta do my homework first.”

Finally taking his shot, he chuckled at his poor attempt. Barely hit the rim. “Ah, school’s almost out, isn’t it?”

“Yep, another week.” Jack rebounded from Nick’s bad shot and held onto the ball. “I’m supposed to read for 15 minutes and mom’s messin’ with Amy.”

“Wanna read to me?”

“Yeah…it’s Captain Underpants!”

“Aw, cool…my brother loved those books!”

“Lemme go get it…we can read out here.”

As Jack went inside, Nick dug the ball out from under the dog house again and practiced his lay-ups, trying to figure out what to do about Ben. He hated being a tight-ass about it, but the truth was, they both were required to do these meetings. Besides, minus the little tire incident, Nick was actually enjoying this “community service.” He finally felt of value totally separate from his work, his persona, his fans. He liked these twerpy kids and they seemed to like him too. It made him feel special. And useful. It felt great. Hell, it just felt. He hadn’t felt anything for quite some time.

“You ready, Professor Poopypants?”

“I’m ready, Captain!”

Professor Poopypants spent several minutes jotting down a complex code on the three giant billboards.

George and Harold, along with nearly a thousand of their fellow shrunken students, watched the mad professor from the terrifying clutch of his giant robotic hand.

Jack stopped reading at the end of the page and gave the book to Nick. “Okay, your turn. I read a page, then you read one.”

“Oh, okay…” For some odd reason, Nick felt nervous. He could sing in front of 20,000 screaming fans, but reading in front of this 8 yr. old boy was intimidating. The kids, as nice as they are, seemed to get off on making fun of every little quirk about someone and he didn’t want to give Jack ammunition. Over doing it, not putting enough into it. Jeez…who said this mentoring stuff was easy? Taking a deep breath and remembering how silly this book was, he gave it his best shot.

“What is that crazy guy up to?” asked Mr. Krupp from his office window.

“I’LL TELL YOU,” shouted Pippy Poopypants. “Everybody on the planet must now change their normal names into silly names using these three charts! Anyone who refuses will get SHRUNK!”

“How do the charts work?” asked Mr. Krupp.

“It’s easy”, said Professor Poopypants. “What’s your first name?”

Jack had leaned into Nick’s arm while he read, giggling at what was to come. Instead of handing the book back, Nick wrapped his arm around Jack, pulling him in closer and held it out so he could take his turn reading. Back and forth they went, chuckling at the silly names the Professor’s chart was making. Finally, reaching the last page of the chapter, Nick quickly read so they could go see what their new names would be.

“This may be the most horrible moment in all of human history,” said the local new reporter to her audience. “It seems that everyone on Earth must now change his or her name to avoid getting shrunk! Good luck to you all!

“This is Chim-Chim Diaperbrains reporting for Eyewitness News. Now, back to you, Booger.”*

“Okay, okay…was that 15 minutes?”

Looking at his watch, Nick chuckled. Hardly. “More like 10 if I stretch it.”

“Shoot…”

“Well, let’s see what our names would be and we can do another chapter when we’re done.”

You’d have thought Nick suggested an ice cream sundae. Jack yanked the book out of Nick’s hand and sat up, flipping the pages back to the chart. “Okay, first letter of my first name is J…and that’s…ick. Poopsie.”

“Aw, how cute!” Nick scruffed Jack’s hair in mock admiration.

“Shaddup. Okay, first letter of my last name…C…Giggle. God, I’m gonna be ‘cute’…this sucks.”

“What about the ‘y’ at the end?”

“Um…brains. Poopsie Gigglebrains. I sound like a girl.”

Nick scrunched his nose up and had to agree. “Ew, yeah…okay, what’s N?”

“Okay, N is…Zippy.”

“Zippy? Gross…okay, C was Giggle…and my last name ends with an R.”

Jack shut the book closed and laughed. Hard. A lot. That stupid 8 yr. old potty joke kind of laugh. Knowing full well he wasn’t going to get anything out of the kid for a few minutes, Nick grabbed the book and looked for himself. “Oh cute. Zippy Gigglebuns.”

Catching his breath, Jack finally spoke up. “Yeah, I’m the brains, you’re the buns…Ah-hahahahahahaha! Must mean I’m smarter than you!”

“Probably. You read better than I did in second grade…”

“Oh, come on, Nick. It’s a joke. Who else should we look up?”

“What’s Ben’s first name gonna be?”

“Lumpy. He’ll love it.”

“Oh yeah…ummm…who else?”

“Oh! How ‘bout Miss Romero?”

“Yeah…what’s Miss Romero’s new name?” Nick leaned in to help Jack look it up, hoping for a goody. “S is….Snotty. Nooooo comment.”

“Aw, she’s nice!”

“Maybe to you. She used to hate me.”

“So did I.” The two ‘boys’ stopped quick on Jack’s words. Yeah, they probably did hate Nick at first. Truth was, he wasn’t real fond of them either. But in just a few short weeks, he’d been able to look beyond the dirt and grime and see 4 really neat kids. Kitty had yet to be figured out. And the mom? Nick was still upset she’d left her kids. It would take some time to gain that trust.

Not wanting to kill the fun with too much seriousness, Nick scruffed Jack’s head again and winked to get back to the silliness. “Good you guys got smart. Okay, R is what?”

“Gizzard!? What’s a gizzard?”

“Some gross thing my mom used to pull out of a chicken or turkey. Grandma’d fry it up and eat it.”

“Ew…like the neck?”

“No, like the liver or something. It was slimey…I think it’s part of the stomach.”

Shivering, Jack looked back in the book, “Okay, Gizzard and…O is Hiney…Hinney? How do you say that?”

Giggling, Nick corrected him. “Hiney…like booty.”

“Oh no! Snotty Gizzardhiney! She’ll love that.”

“Dare ya’ to call her that next time you see her.”

“No way! She’d kill me…I dare YOU! She doesn’t hate you anymore you know.”

“She would then. I’m not sure she’d think it was very funny.”

“Wanna go find out? She’s not the bi-…uh, she’s not so bad once you talk to her some.”

“Yeah, I know…she’s softenin’ up. How could we go find out?”

“I’ve got a bike…”

“Nice…what’ll I do? Run along side?”

“No, Bozo…Mom’s got one. You can ride hers.”

“Your mom has a bike?” He really didn’t mean for it to come out as judgmentally as it did, but there it was. That huge thing on a bike? He couldn’t imagine.

“Yeah, I know…she doesn’t ride it anymore. Probably have to pump up the tires. We’ve got a pump.”

“Hmm…and she doesn’t live too far from here either, does she?”

“You know where she lives!? See, I thought she was your girlfriend!” Jack got up from their spot on the ground and offered a hand to help Nick up.

“No…no…no. She’s NOT my girlfriend. We bumped into each other one night and I took her home. No biggie.”

“You want her to be your girlfriend though, don’t you?”

“No, I don’t. I don’t want a girlfriend right now. I’ve got you twerps to deal with.”

“Oh please…you think she’s pretty.” Jack was up, dancing around in a stupid “love dance” singing his words. Goofball.

“Yes, she’s pretty…now stop.”

‘You’re no fun.”

“I know. Where’s your bike? Let’s go see Miss Gizzardhiney.”