“We’ve got her, Miss Romero. You stay out here.”

Ben scooped up Rosalie, who had fallen asleep five minutes into the fireworks display, and directed Jack to get some of their other belongings.

“Are you sure, Ben?”

“Yeah, you look too comfy. We’ll get her in bed.”

And comfy she was. They had settled onto the private beach, getting a perfect view of the fireworks coming from the public access area a few miles up. Surprisingly, once the sun set, the night chilled quite a bit making everyone huddle together…at least until Jack and Ben became more interested in setting off sparklers.

Nick, Rosalie and Solana were left to keep each other warm. Once Rosalie was knocked out, Nick had invited Solana to snuggle in between his legs, which she had politely denied, but as it got colder, she silently nestled in and enjoyed the warmth of his body, his arms and dammit…his breath, which was on her neck more than she cared to notice.

“Leave us a flashlight.” She didn’t want to move. She knew she’d darned well better.

“Yep…Jack grab the little one.” Trying not to show his excitement at the scene before him with his two most favorite adults, Ben hiked Rosalie better into his grip and headed to the seawall stairs. “Take your time, guys…”

Nodding her goodbye, she nestled back into Nick’s arms. “Tell me they’ll be okay.”

“They’ll be okay. He’s great with Amy. Rosalie will be a breeze.”

Solana sighed, knowing he was right, but never one to easily trust other people with her child. “Wanna take a walk? We can just leave our stuff here.”

“Yeah…it’s too cold to sit…”

And it was. There had to be a five degree temperature difference just from the condo to the beach, the ocean breeze cooling off an already unseasonably chilly evening.

After dumping their blanket near the stairs, Nick took Solana’s hand and they silently headed south, letting the faint glow of the flashlight lead them.

“I can’t believe how few people were here tonight. I figured it’d be a mob scene.”

“They’re all up at the party at the boardwalk. No alcohol down here.”

“Ah, no wonder. Well, this is great…” Lifting the light up a bit they looked as far out as the light would shine. “Looks like we almost have the place to ourselves.”

“That’s why I love this place. Even when it’s busy, it’s never busy.”

“How come no one has their lights on back here though?”

“Sea turtles. They’re hatching and we’re asked to keep our lights off.”

“Oh, so the babies don’t go the wrong way.”

“Yup. Everyone’s real good about it.”

“Have you seen any?”

“Nah, we try every once in awhile, but never seem to catch ‘em. Probably just as well, Rosalie’d wanna keep one as a pet.”

Nick chuckled, knowing Solana was going to have enough of a battle letting the crab they’d caught earlier go. Rosalie had named him and everything. “Well, you already have Sebastian.”

“Don’t remind me…I’ve got to dump that thing somehow.”

“Crab killer.”

“Yes, and you’re helping me.”

“Oh, no…uh-uh. I’m not lying to that child of yours. She’ll see right through me.”

“Oh, I’m sure you’re used to lying to the ladies. Just put your mack on and you’ll be fine.”

His lack of response made their previous ease jump into an uncomfortable silence. Had she just crossed a line? Or danced on a raw nerve? Either way, she regretted it.

“I’m sorry, Nick…I’m just kidding with you.”

Squeezing her hand, he looked down at her, silently thanking the gods that she had her hair pulled back into a pony tail. If that dark mane were blowing in the breeze, he might not be able to control himself. He was having enough trouble as it was. “I know…you’re just sickeningly right.”

“Ah. Well, you don’t have to be that way, Nick. It’s an easy choice to make.”

“Yeah, I know.” He didn’t want to say anymore. He was gaining a conscience about it and was downright embarrassed at how he’d used women. Most likely some of them were as wonderful as the one whose hand he now held. And the thought of doing that to her…made him sick at himself.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Yep…” He steered them into the wet sand, the soft grain they had been walking in suddenly changing to a rough one with tons of shell bits cutting into their feet. “Damned things are sharp.”

Solana bent over to pick up one that reflected against the glow from the flash light. Inspecting it, she handed it to Nick. “Yeah, but beautiful. Rough edges, beautiful interior. Like someone else I know.”

Insightful and subtle little devil wasn’t she? “Mmm…you wanna keep this one?”

“Nah…we have two tons of ‘em laying on the porch up there.”

“Yep. A dime a dozen, too.” Ouch. He was kind of insightful himself, now wasn’t he? A dime a dozen. A reality he did not want to think about. Avoiding doing just that, he remembered a way out. “So, what was your question?”

“You don’t have to answer me, but I’ve wanted to ask you since we first met.”

“Shoot.”

“What brought you to that night? What happened in your life that put you on such a screwed up path?”

“You don’t like leisurely walks, do you?”

Smiling up to him, she leaned her head on his arm. “I’m sorry…yes, let’s just walk. Too serious.”

“I can answer…I’ve thought a lot about it.”

“Okay…only if you want. I’m just…you just seem like someone who is genuinely good…with the world at your feet. How’d you end up in such a bad place?”

Motioning back up to the sea wall, they gingerly walked over the rough shells, and when it was fine and dry again, they sat down. Digging their bare feet into the cool sand, they said nothing, just enjoying the sounds of the waves crashing in, barely able to see them unless Nick shone the light out to the water.

Sighing, he turned it off and tossed it between his feet, ready to talk.

“I’m petrified, Lani.”

She wasn’t expecting that at all. “Of?”

“Everything…failure. Everything I ever knew has gone to shit.”

“Nick, I’m sorry, I don’t follow.”

“Yeah, probably not. No one knows what the hell’s going on. We’re being told to be quiet. To lie. I’m sick of lying, Lani. And…so…sometimes I drink to get rid of it all. I drink so I don’t feel anything anymore.”

He looked down, knowing she was probably still lost, but already feeling the weight of the world lifting from his shoulders. Admitting it to his court appointed counselor was one thing. Admitting it to a friend? That was an entirely different matter.

She rubbed his back and just waited to see if he had any more to say. She didn’t know what he meant and if he didn’t tell her the details that would be fine. The details really didn’t matter anymore. Fear of failure, stress from living a lie…it could break the strongest of people. “But you feel when you sober up, huh?”

“Yes…so it’s useless. Which is kinda why I don’t do it so much anymore.”

“Which is a good thing.”

“Yeah…but I’m still scared. I’m afraid…” He looked back to her, now scared to admit what had been swimming in his head the last week or so.

“What, Nick? Whatever it is, it’s okay…”

“That I’m filling the gap with the Casey’s. Taking care of them. Doing things with them. It’s like I’m replacing one thing with another.”

“Well, that’s very possible. And they’d be excellent co-dependants. They’re very needy of someone’s attention.”

“God, you make it sound like I’m an alcoholic. Co-dependants, neediness…damn.”

“Are you?”

“No, I’m not. I was getting damned close though.”

“Yes, you were. That’s why we’re here. To stop that before it’s too late.”

“Yeah…I still hate that. I was such a prick.”

“Well, yeah…you were. But, look at the good that’s come out of it, Nick. Look at that family now.”

“Yeah, it’s looking better. But if I walked away tomorrow, would it stay better?”

“Probably not yet. Lots of old habits to undo. It takes time. They have to own it separate from you and I don’t think they’re ready to do that yet.”

“Yeah, bad habits are hard to break. I haven’t gone out in awhile, but I can’t say I won’t tomorrow, you know?”

“You need to deal with your fear then, Nick.”

“I’m not sure how. What’s causing is not going to go away….”

“Can I ask what that is?”

“It’s the group. It’s a mess. I mean, misunderstandings led to miscommunications and now…so much time has passed that even if it was fixed tomorrow…it’ll never be quite right again.”

“How in the world did that happen? You guys have been a group for how long?”

“Ten-ish years. They didn’t take me seriously, Lani. They never have. It never really bothered me until recently and I stood up to it. Now it’s just…screwed up.”

No wonder he was such a mess. No wonder he was throwing himself into these kids’ lives. They’d accept him just for being kind. The only thing they’d expect was that he be real. Exactly what he’d not been allowed to be…probably all of his life. “Then they’re the idiots…do they realize what they could be losing by pushing you away?”

“Not sure. And they’re not the only one’s pushing, Lani. We’re all to blame. It’s gone from me ready to walk, to them ready to fire me, to now…just a big mess. It’s all I’ve known and I’m afraid I’ve lost it.”

“So now what happens?”

“Now I promote this album I’ve worked my ass off for, knowing all along they don’t support me, telling the public that they do…it’s just...” He looked down again, running his finger through the pile of sand covering his feet. “And if it fails…”

“It won’t fail.”

“Lani, don’t start bullshitting me now. That’s one thing I like about you. No bullshit.”

“I’m not bull-“ Finding his eyes, she had to admit it. “…okay, so I’m trying to gloss it over. You’re right. Well, is it good? Are you proud of it?”

“Damned proud. I wrote a lot of it. I’m putting myself out there and even though I’m still following the label’s advice on stuff, I like it. It’s…it’s me. Not one fifth of some cheesy assed love song crap.”

“You make it sound so fun…I thought you loved being a Backstreet Boy.”

“I used to. But I didn’t know who I was then, so it worked. But now…I’m not that, Lani. None of us are and I’m not willing to sacrifice who I am for what the fans want me to be. I want to be myself…and I am on this solo album. Pretty much anyway.”

“Shouldn’t’ that be all that matters?”

“Should be, yeah, but I feel like so much is at stake.”

“Sounds like it is.”

“Yeah…and…” He sighed. Out of words. Out of explanations. Out of energy. “I just want to be good, Lani. A good person. A good man. A good artist. I’m just like Ben. All we want is to be good.”

“He is good, Nick.” Standing up, getting cold again and not wanting to allow him to keep her warm this time, she reached down and pulled him up, hanging onto his hand as they continued walking. “And so are you.”