“Pencils. Grab a few boxes there.” Nick stopped the shopping cart in front of the vast assortment of writing tools, amazed that you can have so many choices to take notes on the Civil War. Maybe he didn’t miss much in school. Yuck.

“What about Bic’s and stuff?”

“Um,” Nick scanned the list Solana had sent with them and nodded. “Yep. Pens. Markers. Crayons. Scissors…god I forgot how much shit you need for school.”

“And you use most of it like once.” Ben grabbed a few boxes of ink pens and leaned in to see the list. “Markers are over here, I think.”

“Okay. Oh, speaking of using once…watercolors. God, I hated those things.”

“I was always borrowing my teacher’s and every color was brown.”

“By the end of the year, everyone’s was. With that ugly green puddle in the middle of each one.”

“YES! Give me pen and paper…or chalks. I love using chalks.”

“Yup. Speaking of which, do you have any ideas for posters for this? We need to get stuff copied and out by…what’d she say?”

“Two days. Yeah, I’ve got something sketched, but I need poster board or something to get it down better…see if it’ll work. Maybe markers too?”

“We’ll get whatever you need here. I can’t wait to see it.”

“It’s not much…mostly words. People need the information, not a cute picture.”

“Yep…okay,” Nick tossed a box of watercolors into the cart and checked the list one more time. “I think we’ve got it all here.”

They picked up the supplies Ben needed for the poster and made their way to check out, joking and giggling with one another, feeling more and more like the Ben and Nick they’d been before the disaster at his house. Nick’s place was pretty much cleaned up, minus some of the repairs that were needed. No more dealing with Steve and Ron. It was a relief. They felt normal again. As normal as things could be anyway.

As they approached Nick’s truck, the giggling stopped as Nick noticed a group of young girls approaching. He pushed Ben to the side of the truck telling him to get in. He didn’t mind the attention himself, but on Ben? No. It wasn’t going to happen.

Smiling up at the girls and quickly unloading the bags into the truck, he hoped they’d not stop. He hoped wrong.

“Uh, Nick….” One girl had a small notepad and a pen, giddy, nervous and just…he wasn’t in the mood.

“Not right now, ladies.”

“Aw….please?”

“I’m sorry. No, this is my private time. Have a good day!” He quickly got in the truck and looked over to Ben, whose demeanor had changed since they left the store. Walled up. Upset. Dammit.

“I’m sorry, Ben.”

“No…it’s not your fault. How do you put up with that?”

“It’s my job. They were pretty harmless.”

“Yeah, but they interrupted OUR time!”

“I know…that’s why I sent them off. Ben…sometimes I can’t avoid it. It’s just…it’s my life.”

“I don’t like it.”

“I don’t always either, bud.”

Nick thwapped Ben’s ball cap bill, sending it flying off of his head and onto the dash. “Hey, man! I got hat head!”

Looking over to his charge as he shifted the truck in reverse, Nick chuckled. “Yeah, you do. Cover that mop, would you?”

Before returning the cap to his head, Ben smacked Nick in the arm with it. “I’m serious…why do people have to bug you?”

“Ben, I dunno. I don’t get it. Never have. But they do. It’s just something I’ve gotten used to.”

“I just don’t like…” He stopped, not sure how weird his words would sound, but not really having any better ones in mind. “I don’t like to share you.”

Nick had to smile at that. Ben had made that pretty clear from the first few times they were together, but he thought it had gotten better. At least with his siblings. It was a point of immaturity in Ben, but at the same time, it was endearing. “So, if I had an ordinary 9-5 job and work called while we were eating dinner…what would you think about that?”

“I probably wouldn’t like it, either. I mean, work is work and home is home.”

“Not always. Sometimes those lines are blurry…even if you’re an accountant or a garbage man.”

“Uh, I think if I was a garbage man, I’d leave my work at work.”

“Okay, smart ass. Bad example. I’m just saying…if you had a da-.” Nick stopped himself. They’d never really talked about the absence of a father in Ben’s life and Nick surely was no surrogate one. He could barely be responsible for himself it seemed.

“Yeah, but I don’t. You’re the closest thing…and I don’t wanna share.”

“When I’m with you, Ben. You don’t have to, okay? But, you have to understand I have a life separate from you. Just like you do with me.”

Ben nodded and turned his attention out his window. He knew that. He really did. But, it scared him. He was afraid to go back to school. He was afraid of the influences and temptations that awaited him there. He wanted Nick around all the time…to help him be good. Help him be the best “Ben” he could be. But…it wasn’t going to happen. He had to go it alone.

And it scared him to death.

Nick sat on his deck and watched Ben do laps in the pool. Angry laps? Scared laps? Something was driving him to go and go and go and not stop, not breathe, not rest. And Nick understood. Sure, he had no clue what was under Ben’s skin exactly, but he understood the need to out distance whatever was haunting you at the moment. He’d worn himself out so many times in this same pool over all sorts of things. Women. Work. Family. Friends. Sometimes, a swimming pool wasn’t big enough for all you had to outrun.

And Ben quickly learned that lesson. His arms and legs and lungs gave out long before his frustration did. When Nick heard the splashing in the pool stop, he looked up only to see a tired, defeated young man on the steps of his pool, head in his hands, shoulders heaving in exhaustion. As it had been so many times before, he felt like he was looking in the mirror. He’d sat on those same steps with the same exhaustion, and he had a feeling, the same emotions ganging up on him as his breathing returned to normal.

“Ben…do you wanna stay over tonight?”

“Huh?” Ben looked up, ignoring the large drop of water that hung from the tip of his nose.

“Tonight. Sleep here. Not go home. You game?”

“Oh…yeah. We have our last game tomorrow morning.”

“I thought so. Tony said he can come…if you want me there.”

“Yes! Of course. I mean, I’ll be a wreck, but…yeah. This is for the tournament championship, man. I want you there.” The drip was finally close enough to falling that Ben felt it and wiped it off, running his hands through his wet hair, wishing he could wipe off anxiety as easily.

“Then I’m there.” He got up from his chair and tossed a towel to the boy, sucking in his breath as it almost skirted into the water. “Let’s go watch stupid movies.”

“I’m in…”

And they did. And it was good. Just two guys hanging out, not talking, yet somehow in that “guy” way, saying so much. Ben needed this and Nick knew it. But, when it came time to turn in, Ben got uneasy and quiet again.

“Dude…you gotta quit acting in code on me. I can’t read your mind.” Nick dumped their empty bottles of water into the trash and sighed as his bare foot found one stray cereal crumb. He figured he’d be crunching around for at least another month.

“Can I uh…I mean…I know it’s not storming or anything, but…” Ben looked down and picked at an imaginary blemish on the counter top.

“You wanna sleep in my room tonight?”

Ben nodded and looked up, an annoying tear teasing it’s way to the edge of his eye. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Nick.”

“Nothing’s wrong with you…come on.” Nick wrapped an arm around Ben’s shoulders and walked him to the large bedroom. No, nothing was wrong, but plenty was bugging the kid. He’d talk when he was ready. In the mean time, Nick would be a silent friend. It’s what he preferred when he had been stressed, so he figured it’d be enough for Ben.

As they settled into bed, Ben decided to talk. Nick was tired. Naturally.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Yup.” Nick turned his back to Ben, not to tune him out, but figuring it was a question about…well, he thought he could go to sleep after a short answer. He thought wrong.

“Am I ever gonna be able to be good?”

Nick’s eyes had already fallen to half mast, but popped open at the silence that followed Ben’s question. It hung in the air like the smog over LA.

He slowly rolled over, surprised to find Ben also with his back to him, still and apparently unemotional. Or so scared at an answer he couldn’t breathe. Touching the boy’s shoulder, Nick pulled back when he heard a single word.

“Don’t.”

“Okay…” Nick sat up, running a hand through his hair as he tried to wake his brain up enough to answer, to consider, to care for such a loaded question. He wasn’t sure he was up for the task. “What do you mean, exactly?”

“Just what I said, Nick.” Ben sat up too, wiping his eyes free from the few errant tears that had escaped at Nick’s touch. “Am I ever gonna be good? I just keep fucking up and fucking up and fucking up…and I don’t see me ever getting out of it.”

“You know, there are few choices in our life that are totally our own. Usually you have other people to consider, other situations to think about, but that one…whether you’re good or not…”

“…it’s all mine, isn’t it?”

“Yep. No one can answer that but you.”

“If I couldn’t answer…if someone asked you and I wasn’t there…what would you say?”

“I’d say you already are good. I’ve already said it to Lani.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you.”

Ben looked up to Nick and they sat there for a few long moments, neither speaking, both picking at fuzz on the blanket, wanting to say more, but too uncomfortable to do it. But, Nick wasn’t going to lay back down until Ben led. This was his conversation…his moment to ask, to think, to spill.

After a few more uncomfortable moments, Ben nodded his head with resolve and snuggled back into the bed, turning his back to Nick. “Yeah, okay. I can do it then. I can be good.”

“Yes, you can. Oh…remind me to give you the new password tomorrow.”

“You’re going to give it to me again?”

“Yes. You have a job here now. And I trust you’ll be responsible with it.”

Ben took a deep breath and closed his eyes, silently telling himself to be good. To not let Nick down, and most importantly, not let himself down. “Did I cause any problems with that? Was it hard to change?”

Nick chuckled, remembering the conversation with the guard that morning. “No, it’s fine. I just had a helluva time convincing him that I wasn’t changing it because I’d pissed off ‘that pretty Latino girl’. The man has no faith in me.”

“You must have a rotten history with women.”

“I do…”

“But not anymore?”

“Nope. I’ve decided I’m gonna be good.”

Ben smiled to himself, and feeling Nick sink under the blankets, he scooted back, letting his back rest against Nick’s. He felt safe here. But, if they were both going to resolve to be good…then he’d have to learn to feel safe away from here too.

He could do it. He knew he could.