As Ben and Steve made their way back to Ben’s backyard, old feelings started creeping up on Ben. Ones he’d not missed. Ones he’d hoped would never return. Feelings of impending rebellion. Of bad decisions waiting around the corner. Of punishments beyond the fun of causing trouble. But this time, he let those feelings stay in the forefront of his mind as he tossed Steve the basketball and turned on the back light. Feelings of accountability would have to be present too…they just had to.

“Okay, so talk, asshole.”

“You know, as the one who’s wanting something here, you sure have an attitude.” Steve took a shot and missed. Kinda killed the cut of his words.

“You’re at my home trying to convince me of something I probably don’t wanna hear. I’ll have any attitude I want.” Ben took his shot and made it. And rebounded, spinning around and tossing up a haphazard lay-up that went into the hoop as well. “You wanna play or is this a solo outing?”

“Gimme the ball, numb nuts.”

So he did. Hard. In the gut. “I still don’t hear you talkin’.”

Yes, Ben was good now, but he had enough bad left in him that he was not going to be intimidated by Steve any more. If it came down to fisticuffs, Ben could whip Steve in about two punches. He’d done it before and he had absolutely no guilt about doing it again if necessary. Steve had an attitude of intimidation, but both boys knew, the upper hand ultimately belonged to Ben.

At least where physical prowess was concerned. Although, when he saw the smirk on Steve’s face as his breathing returned to normal, Ben wondered. This one wasn’t going to end up physical was it? It was going to be a matter of right and wrong. The hardest conflict of all.

“Well, I was thinkin’ of doin’ a little Halloween prank, but it’s too late now.” Steve shot the ball again, this time barely making it into the hoop.

“I’m not interested.” Ben got the rebound and held the ball under his arm. “You can go now.”

“Now wait a minute…hear me out, dude.”

“There’s nothing you can say to change my mind. Just leave, will you? Haven’t you caused enough damage to people?”

“I didn’t hurt anyone. And I won’t this time either. Give me the ball if you’re just going to stand there.”

This time Steve was ready for Ben’s force and caught the ball, gracefully coming in for a flawless lay up.

“How come I feel doom surrounding this whole conversation then?” Ben wasn’t in the mood to play, so he retrieved the ball and sat on the picnic table, spinning the orange orb on his finger like Nick had taught him to do. Such an amazingly cool trick.

“Cuz you’ve gone soft on me, man. You don’t know how to have fun any more. That’s why Erin’s into me now. You’re boring.”

“Fuck you.”

“No thanks, but she might.” Steve knocked the ball off of Ben’s finger and chased after it making a poor attempt at a shot.

“In your wildest dreams, asshole…what the hell is it you want from me?”

“Okay, here’s the deal.” Steve tried to balance the ball on his finger and failed at that too. What the hell? He was supposed to be the jock in these parts.

“I don’t do deals.”

“Yeah, neither does your fake Daddy from what I understand.”

Ben hopped off the picnic table and grabbed the ball from Steve, tossing it into the storage bin, ending the game. “If you have something to say, just fuckin’ say it. I’m going inside in about one minute.”

“Okay, okay…Jesus, you’ve gotten shitty. I wanna get Nick again.”

“Out. That’s it.”

“WAIT! Just hang the hell on! Just a prank, you know? Break a few windows, mess with his pool more. Get in his garage and fuck with his cars some.”

“You have got to be kidding me. Why Nick? Why is he your target?”

“Because…he’s an ass. He can afford to get it fixed. He won’t call the cops on us…he’ll protect you.”

“Me? How do you figure me into this?”

“Cuz you’re gonna give us the passwords to get in again. And if you wanna prove that you’re not a wuss…you’ll help this time instead of running away.”

“You live in a fuckin’ dream world Steve. I’m not giving you shit.”

“Yeah, you are.”

“What makes you think I’m falling for this? I will not help you hurt him again.”

“Oh it’s just stuff, Ben. Get over yourself. You know full well you don’t mean dick to him. He’s just being nice to pay off his court time.” Steve pulled the ball back out of the bin and shot again, making it this time. “You’re nothing but a fuck up to anyone. Couldn’t even keep Erin you’re such a loser.”

“If I’m such a loser, then why are you here with me?”

“Because…you have something I need.”

“And you’re not getting it. Get out.”

“Yeah, I am…”

“Steve, I mean it…get the hell out. I thought this was about you giving me something I want anyway.”

“Yeah, well, if you’d get off your high horse long enough and listen to me, you’d know.”

“Okay, hot shit. Talk.” Ben swatted the ball out of Steve’s arms and held it again, wanting to hear every word, every meaning in what Steve said.

“You give me the passwords, I walk from Erin…she’s all yours.”

“As much as I want her back, Steve, I don’t want your leftovers.”

“And if you don’t, smart ass…”

“Yeah?”

“I tell her everything about you. The vandalism, the school, Nick’s house…skippin’ school…all of it. She’s still into you, man. Totally…but once she finds out what a fuck up you are…”

“You wouldn’t dare. You’ve been with me for everything…”

“What the little lady don’t know…” Steve took the ball away from Ben again, making a lousy shot and swearing at his bad game tonight. “…won’t hurt her.”

Ben couldn’t sleep. Not that it was a big surprise to him. It was just a damned inconvenience. He couldn’t turn on the TV because it’d wake Jack. He couldn’t pace because it’d wake his mom. He couldn’t go outside because god forbid someone get up to pee and see him missing, all hell would break loose. So, he was stuck, tossing and turning in the dining room bed hearing Steve’s words chanting over and over in his head.

Nick didn’t care about him. Steve would tell Erin everything. He’d trash Nick’s house. Hell, even without Ben’s help, Steve might figure out a way to get in there…and then he’d lose everything. As it stood, he felt like that was going to happen anyway. Or had it already happened?

“You don’t mean dick to him.”

Those words ran over and over in Ben’s head. Every time he’d hear them, he’d close his eyes tightly and try to force them out. Only, they got louder and louder. He tried to take himself back to New York and the studio and the look in Nick’s eyes as he sang that song to him and to Solana. He meant that…didn’t he?

Didn’t he? Why would he care for Ben? He was only fulfilling a court order, that much was true. But he did so much beyond what he was supposed to do. Now their time was less frequent, but Nick called all the time. Checked in. Listened. That shit didn’t happen with someone who didn’t care, did it?

But it was hard to remember when he’d be standing in science class and see Erin and Steve flirting right under his eyes. Not that Steve and Erin had anything to do with Nick, but somehow it all jumbled together in Ben’s eyes. Worth. It was all about his worth. Erin made him feel good about himself. Nick did too. Steve just made him sick. And now, in a matter of one conversation, Steve had taken those two things and totally defiled them in his mind. Bastard.

And what about Erin? She was with Steve already anyway, but Ben wasn’t blind. He’d catch her watching him from across the street, from down the hall at school, from across the room in science class. He truly believed she didn’t want to be with Steve, but she didn’t know what else to do. Was he holding something over her head too? Was he that shitty?

Ben couldn’t take it anymore. He needed to get up, get out, run, ride, swim, do something. He took a risk, jotted a quick note to his mom, grabbed his backpack and extra clothes and hopped on his bike, hoping the cops were in low force tonight. Riding a bike up Route 41 at 3 am was not something a minor should be doing. But he had to go somewhere. He had to work this out and it was not happening at home in his bed.

As he rode through the streets, his mind continued to work on overdrive.

“You don’t mean dick to him.”

“Erin’s into me now.”

“You’re nothing but a fuck up.”

“He’s just being nice to pay off his court time.”

“Prove that you’re not a wuss.”

One week. Steve had given him one week to make his decision. If he didn’t hand over the pass words, Steve would tell Erin everything Ben had ever done. Every wrong he’d ever committed. What a total fuck up he truly was. And he’d lose any chance of having her for good. If he handed the password over…he’d get her back.

And he’d lose Nick. He’d hurt Nick. He’d betray Nick…again.

It seemed like such a simple decision. But it was so complicated.

“You don’t mean dick to him.”

It was like a damned broken record in his head. The harder he pedaled his bike, the louder the words became. Finally, he reached his destination and breathed a sigh of relief that he was the only lunatic out here at night…security included. He didn’t want to deal with questioning glances.

He parked his bike, punched in the garage door code and went inside. It was still weird being at Nick’s house without him. He’d still have flash backs to that day in the summer when he “broke in” with Steve and Ron. What an idiot he’d been. The entire time they were riding over he could hear the voices in his head telling him to stop. But he ignored them. Now, all he could hear was Steve’s voice telling him he was a loser. He wasn’t ignoring them this time.

A quick change into his swim trunks and he was in the pool, swimming quietly, slowly, not to awaken any neighbors. Mr. Wilkins was a bit of a grouch, even though he obviously had a sweet spot for Ben. No sense pushing the limits though. It was now about 3:30 in the morning. Ben swimming in Nick’s pool would surely not go over well.

He pushed and pushed his physical limits, lapping the pool time and time again, his arms growing weary, his breathing becoming more and more labored, his mind quieting some as the water sloshed around him. It felt good. It hurt. He didn’t want to stop because if he did, he’d hear Steve again.

But, his body eventually gave out and he had to. He sat along the steps, chilling in the night air, too tired to even get up and dry off.

“You don’t mean dick to him.”

“STOP IT!” Oops. Too loud. He needed to go inside. He needed to do…something.

Sleep. He needed to try to sleep.

He had to feel close to Nick again, but he didn’t want to have to depend on him. Didn’t want to use the last words Nick always said to him before he took off out of town.

“Call me any time if you need me, you understand?”

He didn’t want to call him. He wanted to do this on his own. But, he needed Nick. Was he that much of a failure, of a loser that he couldn’t make such an obviously simple decision without Nick’s help? Without his guidance?

Sadly, it seemed that way. After taking a quick shower, Ben went into Nick’s room and slid into bed…his side. He felt so safe here. He felt Nick’s presence here. When he was here, the right thing was so clear. But yet…Steve’s words taunted and tormented him. Nick was a performer…he’d even been an actor. It was very possible that Steve was right.

“You don’t mean dick to him.”

He tried to sleep. He failed. He tried listening to music. He failed. He tried everything. He failed.

So, he caved. He leaned over to the bedside table and hiked up on Nick’s pillows, picking up the phone. It was time to cash in.

He dialed the phone number, trying to remember where Nick even was. California, if he remembered correctly. Okay, so it would only be 2 am there…not as bad at 5 am was it?

“’lo?”

“Nick…” He heard music…loud music. And lots of people. He’d interrupted a party. Damn. “It’s…it’s Ben.”

“Ben!? What’s…are you okay? What…what time izit, man?” He was drunk. It was obvious.

And then, before he could answer, he heard the worst sound in the world at the moment.

The voice of a very drunk, very friendly woman.

“Come on, baby. Get off the phone…who’s Ben?”

“Back off for a minute. Hang on.” Ben heard Nick shuffling and the music faded a bit. “Okay, Ben? Whazzup, man?”

“N…never mind. You’re obviously busy.”

“No, no I’m not. Jussan album party izall.”

“It’s not a good time. I’m sorry I bothered you.”

“I tolju any time, Ben.”

“You’re drunk.” Ben felt like he’d been kicked in the teeth.

“I’m…yeah, a little, but I’m good…whazzup?”

“Nothing, Nick. I think I have my answer now.”

“Ben…you haven’t asked…whaz goin’ on!?”

“Nicky! Come on, baby…I wanna dance some more!”

“I said back off right now. Thiziz important.” Nick finally shrugged off the woman and turned his attention back to the phone, plugging up his free ear so he could hear more clearly.

But when he told Ben he was back, the line was dead.

“You don’t mean dick to him.”