“Why are you telling me this, Ben?”

Nick turned from the doorway, wanting to interrupt, knowing it was none of his business until Ben made it that…and reminded Liz and Jack of their homework.

Erin and Ben had been in the kitchen for what felt like hours. Nick wasn’t sure why he was there, what was going on or what had started this whole chain of events. All he knew now was that he was the entertainment committee for the younger Casey sibs. Not a bad gig.

“Lemme finish this game.”

“Jack…doesn’t your mom want it done before she gets home?”

“Yeah, but…I’ve almost…” Jack leaned his whole body to the left, as if to help steer the jet ski in the game. “Crap…beat this one. I can NOT do this.”

“Sure you can…after your homework.” Nick took Jack’s control and started his own game, quickly realizing controlling a real jet ski was a helluva lot easier than this thing.

“You’re worse than a dad, you know that?”

“How do you figure that!? I’m not here 24…” Nick sucked in his breath as he narrowly escaped crashing into a pier. “…7 to bug you.” He crashed into a wall and looked to Liz. “I suck.”

“Yes, you do. You need to practice more.” She got up and immediately pulled out her books to start her homework, leaving Nick to practice alone.

Jack was still trying to dilly-dally. “True, but you make up for lost time.”

“Oh quit whinin’ and get on with the homework.”

“I need the kitchen…the lovebirds are in there.”

“Do it out here…or lay across your bed. That’s what I always did.”

Jack was running out of arguments, so he made up for it by huffing and puffing and whining and moaning about the weight of his bag, the amount of homework he had for a weekend, how uncomfortable his bed was, and how dull his pencils were. His life was just horrid.

“Does he always do this?”

“Usually. He’s a drama queen.”

Nick was beginning to think it was a family trait after the fiasco with Ben earlier. Sick of hearing Jack’s litany of injustices, he went into the dining room and plopped down on the floor next to him. Jack was lying on his back, hanging his head over the edge of the bed doing a whole lot of nothing.

“You studying the texture of the ceiling?”

“No, the floor under Ben’s bed…he needs to clean it out.”

“And this is for…what? Science?” Nick lifted Jack’s head and rested it on his shoulder. He was getting head rush just watching the kid.

“No…I have to study spelling words. I hate doing that.”

“Where’s the list? I’ll give ‘em to you and you spell ‘em out.”

“We just got it. I’m not ready to be quizzed yet.”

“Okay…then, um…write ‘em out three times each. Use them in a sentence.”

“Both!?”

“Yep…where’s your paper?”

“God…in my bag.”

Nick crawled over to Jack’s bag that he had flung across the room and pulled out a notebook. “Okay, here. Where’s the list?”

Jack hiked up off of his back and pulled the wrinkled list out from under him. “Here.”

“Jack. Join the waking world here, bud. Roll over, open the notebook and start writing.”

“I can’t write 20 sentences!”

“Do the words…we’ll talk through the sentences.”

“Twice. I’m just doing them twice.”

Nick had found Jack’s assignment book in his bag while looking for paper. “Uh, says here three times. Let’s go for three.”

“You bug me.”

“You love me. Now roll over and get busy.”

Jack mocked him as he rolled over and thumped his pencil on his notebook. “You love me…wah, wah, wah. God…who died and made you Dad?”

Ben finally came out of the kitchen, looking like he’d been through World War III. His hair was disheveled, his eyes were swollen and bloodshot and his shoulders drooped so low he looked like an old man.

“Can we go somewhere…dinner, your house…away?”

Nick looked up from his spot next to Jack on his bed. Jack agreed to write out the sentences too only if Nick would come up on the bed and help him think of some. “Yeah. Where’s Erin?”

“She left out the back.”

“Oh…okay. Do you wanna see if she can come with us or something?”

“No. She doesn’t. Just…let’s go, huh?”

Nick looked at the final words on Jack’s spelling list. How ironic. “Okay, Jack. Last two. Your mom can check ‘em, okay?”

“Yeah, okay…”

“Lost…and stuck. See if you can put them into one sentence. Save ya’ time.”

“Okay, thanks for helping, Nick.”

“Any time I’m home, bud. We gotta read another Captain Underpants book soon.”

“Oh yeah! I’ll get one from the school library.”

“Well, let me check my schedule to see when I’ll be home again first.”

Jack nodded and went back to his paper, trying to come up with a sentence. Patty came home just in time for Nick and Ben to take off, again trusting Ben’s silence as needed time to sort out whatever was aching his heart.

They walked outside and stopped cold.

“Uh, Ben?”

“What?”

“No wheels.”

“Well, shit.”

“I’m not riding double back to my house. Lemme call a cab.”

“Dammit, I’m sorry.” Ben plopped down on the porch, burying his face in his hands. “I can’t do anything right.”

“Ben…this is no big deal. I’ll just call a cab.” He sat down next to him and pulled out his cell. “Why don’t you go get my stuff from your mom’s car, huh?”

“Yeah, okay.” Ben got up slowly, moving as though the weight of the world rested on his two skinny shoulders. He opened the screen door and stopped when he had to push the button. “Oh yeah…”

“What?”

“I’m not supposed to know, but thanks for fixing our door.”

Nick looked up from the ringing phone, wondering how badly this cab company wanted business and nodded. “Not a problem.”

“You’ve fixed a lot around here.”

Ben heaved a sigh and went inside, thwapping Liz on the head for no apparent reason. Because it was there.

“Hey!”

“Hey yourself. Where’s mom?”

“Kitchen….starting dinner.”

Ben slumped into the kitchen and saw his and Nick’s bag in the corner. “We forgot these.”

“Okay, sweetie. You okay?”

“No. I’m not.”

“Pack up some clothes…just in case you wanna stay with Nick tonight, huh?”

“Okay, good idea.”

He wordlessly made his way into his “bedroom” and gathered up some clothes, shaking his head at the truth that Nick kept a toothbrush at his house for him. How could I have ever doubted him?

Jack looked up from his paper, still blank on the last line, waiting for a final sentence. “Ben…are you okay?”

“No.”

“Oh…what happened?”

“I’m not sure, Jack. But somehow it’s all gonna be alright.”

And then Ben did something he’d never done before as long as he remembered. As either boy remembered. He bent over and gave Jack a kiss on the head. “Thanks for asking, though.”

Jack watched his brother leave looking more defeated than he’d ever seen him, yet having a glimmer in his eyes that totally dispelled all the rest of the body language. It made no sense. Looking down at his paper, he wrote his final sentence.

“My brother thinks he is lost and stuck, but really, he is found and free.”

Nick waited through dinner. He waited through a swimming session. He waited while they warmed up after the swimming session. He waited for Ben to shower and waited while they watched a movie. He even waited while Ben beat the shit out of him at Sonic on the Game Cube. Finally he couldn’t wait anymore. He was tired from the flight, tired from the incessant partying that week, the press, the forced smiles, the lying through his teeth about his sex life…he was just tired.

But he was not going to say ‘goodnight’ to this kid until he knew what the hell had happened. He was sick of waiting.

As Ben slid into bed, Nick stopped him before he totally laid down.

“Okay, Ben…no way, man. Sit up.”

“I’m tired.”

“You have no idea what tired is, dude. We aren’t going to sleep until you spill.”

Ben heaved a sigh and sat up, looking at Nick like maybe he should start. So he did.

“Why am I home?”

“Because I freaked you out.”

“No shit…what the hell happened, Ben? What brought me here. I’m asking YOU!”

“Yeah, right…I know.” Ben fell forward onto his face, kicking his feet up onto his pillows.

And he finally began to talk. He told Nick about how Erin had cried when he said they’d be better off respecting her father’s wishes. About how she never stopped looking at him in school, but still clung to Steve. How it ripped him apart every day.

And how he was destroyed when he finally saw them kiss the previous night. And that she allowed it, and seemed to enjoy it.

And finally, about Steve’s visit. About the ultimatum, the threat, the constant dismissal of who Ben had come to believe he really was.

And Nick was fuming. Furious. Seething mad. His silence scared Ben. He didn’t think the anger was directed at him, but honestly, his eyes were burning such fire, his body language so stiff and jilted, he couldn’t be sure. Had he screwed up yet again?

“And you believed his filth???”

Yep, he’d blown it. Nick was mad at him. Wonderful. And Ben started to tear up again. He really thought his tears had all but dried up the night before.

“I didn’t at first, Nick, but dammit…it was like a broken record in my head. ‘You don’t mean dick to him’. I couldn’t make it go away!”

“After all of these months…”

“I’m sorry…”

“After all I’ve done for you and your family…”

“Nick…please…”

“What do I need to do, Ben? How can I get through to you?”

“I don’t know…Nick, I’m sorry! I’m really sorry!” Ben was crying full force now, fighting the urge to run and the urge to throw himself into Nick’s arms. He didn’t know what Nick would do and he surely couldn’t take him pushing him away. So, he just sat there with his face in his hands and bawled his eyes out. “I’m so sorry, Nick…”

Nick was having a battle of his own, quite similar to Ben’s. Kick the kid out and work out a way to get out of this court order, or fold him up in his arms and realize that he’s just lost, searching, confused…just like Nick had been…and still could be.

He went for the latter.

He stood and walked around to Ben’s side of the bed and pulled him to the edge, kneeling down so he could look up into Ben’s eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Nick.”

“I know…look at me.”

Ben sniffed and wiped his nose with his fist and giggled as he wiped it on his shorts. “Sorry…I’m gross too.”

“Yes, you are…Ben, I need you to listen to me, okay?”

Ben just nodded, sniffling and snorting away his gut wrenching tears. He hated to cry, dammit.

“This is all new to me. I mean, being with you…it’s easy. You remind me of my brother, we play like me and Aaron…it’s all good. Liz, Kitty…remind me of my sisters. Easy shit. Amy…I have to pull on my memory a bit, but I still remember Aaron and Angel as babies. And I’m glad to do it again. I really am.”

Ben nodded again and lowered his head onto Nick’s shoulders, sighing as Nick’s arms snaked around Ben’s scrawny, jerky body. He couldn’t quit hiccupping and snuffling. He felt like he’d never stop the flood that had started.

“But, Ben…it’s more than just being with you. Going to games, swimming, playing video games, messing with Miss Romero…you and me…it’s something else, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.”

Nick pulled Ben back making him look at him. “Do you? Do you really?”

“I think I do now.”

“What if someone says something again, huh? What if it’s Steve’s dad this time…or…Erin? Who will you believe?”

“I want to believe you, Nick. I do…I know inside, I just get…confused. No one’s cared for me like this.”

Nick nodded and took a deep breath. He’d almost said these words to Solana a few nights ago on the phone while they were shopping for his CD, but he knew it’d be a bad move. But here? Now? For Ben? Yes. They were needed and very, very true.

“Ben…look at me again.”

The younger blue eyes finally met the older, searching their depths for confirmations he feared he’d never get. But then…he got them.

“I…love…you. And there’s nothing that will change that, do you understand me?”

That was it. Ben threw his arms around Nick’s neck and sobbed with every ounce of energy he had left in him. More energy than he thought he had, that was for sure.

“Shh…it’s okay…Ben…” They stayed that way for quite some time; so long that Nick’s legs were cramping, but he didn’t care, that Ben’s eyes were burning, but he didn’t care. Neither wanted to let go until they were both assured that the message was forever imbedded into the heart of the other.

“My mother hasn’t even said that to me, Nick. My own mother.”

“But she means it. And you know it.”

“Yeah, I do.”

Nick pulled away and got up to get Ben some toilet paper for his eyes and nose. He couldn’t believe Steve could do this to the kid. He couldn’t believe the words of one person could destroy all that they’d worked on for 7 months, but here it was.

People were so fragile.

“Here…you want a cold cloth?”

“Maybe that’d be good, yeah.”

“Come on…let’s clean you up.”

They went into Nick’s bathroom and quietly sat while Ben got his breathing back to normal and washed his face.

“I’m so sorry, Nick.”

“It’s okay…I’m sorry he put you through this.”

“I did it to myself.”

“No, not completely. I can see where that’d drive you crazy. But you knew where to go to find me. I’m proud of you, man.”

“Proud of me?”

“Yeah…you came here and you called. I’m always here somehow, okay? Always.”

Ben nodded and tossed the washcloth into the sink. “I’m really tired now.”

“Me too. But tomorrow…”

“Yeah?”

“Erin…you’ve got to tell me about Erin.”