“No. No he’s not. I don’t have a daddy.” Rosalie’s breathing had increased a million fold. And she was no longer interested in her milk or cookies.

Neither was Lani. “Yes, honey. Everyone has one at some point…or we wouldn’t be here.”

“Then…then…” Her brow furrowed and Lani could swear she saw steam coming out from under her curls. “…then where he been!?”

“I don’t know…”

“But, but…why he not live with us? Does…does he not like me!?” A tear finally escaped Rosalie’s confused little face, but right now she was too angry to cry full out. Although she could have sworn her heart was crying. Why did it hurt so much? She didn’t even know what was really going on. Maybe that’s why it hurt.

“Oh, baby…no, no, no…” Lani wiped the tear away from her daughter’s face and opened her arms for a hug. Rosalie happily accepted, sliding off of her stool and onto her mother’s lap. She curled up into a ball and hung on tight as Lani carried her to the overstuffed chair they both loved so much. Only good things seemed to happen in that chair. Lani would do her best not to break the tradition. “You listen to me, Ro…he didn’t know you. I didn’t either at the time. He found out I was pregnant and walked out.”

“Pregnant with me? Why he not want me?”

“He didn’t want a baby…any baby. We didn’t know if you were going to be a girl…or a boy…” She kissed her daughter’s forehead and brushed back the curls that were quickly matting to her head. “…or a lizard.”

“Maybe he wanted a lizard.”

“If my memory serves, he wouldn’t have known what to do with a lizard either. He was too busy playing and goofing off.”

“And you? Did you want me?”

“Oh honey. I was scared. I’m not going to tell you I wasn’t. But yes, I couldn’t have given you away or…” Lani shook her head at the thought of the other option that had briefly flown through her mind. “No. You were mine. And I loved you the moment I knew you were coming.”

Rosalie nodded, having too many questions flying through her head for any one of them to come out right. So, she just enjoyed the warmth of her mother’s arms, the rhythm of her heart beat against her chest, the silkiness of her hair against her face. She wrapped strands of her mother’s hair around her fingers and then wondered if Neron’s hair was as soft. Of course, he didn’t have very much hair. Not like Nick…and Nick’s hair was silky too.

“What if I don’t like him?”

“Well…I don’t know. We really don’t get to pick who our dads are going to be. I never got to pick mine either.”

“But, I wanted Nicky.” Rosalie sat up with a start, panic all over her face. “Does…does this mean Nicky will have to go away now? I don’t want him to go away!”

“No, honey, Nick’s not going anywhere. Why would you think that?”

“Won’t Neron come live with us now?”

“No…Neron doesn’t have to live here. He’s…well, he’s not welcome to live here. This is our home.”

“But, shouldn’t a daddy live with his little girl and wife?”

Solana sighed an ‘ah mi dios’ and looked up to the abandoned milk and cookies. “I need some more cookies…how ‘bout you?”

“Cut out’s this time…”

Lani was grateful for the temporary break and figured Rosalie was too. She wasn’t sure how far to go into this with her. How much did a four year old really understand about babies and marriage and love and idiocy and…men? Hell, how much did Lani understand? At the moment, it didn’t feel like enough, that was for sure. With another sigh, she got up and went to the kitchen, almost tripping over Rosalie who was sticking very close.

They put their plate together and refilled their glasses, snuggling back into the chair and nibbling on snowmen and stars and santas and bells.

“So, are you and Neron divorced?”

“No…we were never married.” Before Rosalie could ask, she set the record straight. “And we’re not going to be either.”

“I thought…”

“I know…and most of the times Mommies and Daddies are married. But, not always.”

Rosalie bit the clapper off of her bell and chewed, trying to make sense of this senseless talk her mom was throwing at her. She didn’t get any of it. “…how can he be my daddy then?”

“Um…you mean now, or…when I got pregnant?”

“Now.”

Lani sighed in relief…a lesson on the birds and the bees was hardly on her agenda. This was enough, thank you. “Well, I’m not sure. I don’t know what he wants to do.”

“Why is it up to him? I want to decide.”

“And you’ll get to…to a point. Honey, I don’t even know…I just…” Lani ran a hand through her hair and grabbed a star from the plate, biting off one of the tips. “…since he showed up and sent a gift, I thought you should know.”

“Why didn’t you tell me then?”

“Because…” She looked into her daughter’s innocent, searching eyes and finally let out a tear of her own. “Because I didn’t know what to do. I honestly thought that he was gone for good and it would be just you and me. And we were doing very good, just you and me.”

“And Nicky.”

“And Nicky, yes. And even before Nicky. There are no guarantees that he’s always going to be here either.”

“What you mean? I thought he loved us. You said he’s not goin’ anywhere!” Rosalie went from confused stress to a full out sob fest, throwing her cookie back onto the plate and curling up into a ball on her mother’s lap.

This was not going well. And where was that proverbial rewind button when a mother said the wrong thing? No one bothered to show Lani that, dammit.

“Baby…I mean…he’s not going anywhere just because Neron is around. Nicky can still be in our life whether Neron...if he wants to…” Lani sighed and stopped, simply rubbing her daughter’s back and biting off the other four points of her star.

“So Nicky’s gonna be here.” She sniffed deeply and tried to still her voice. She was sure of this next thing and wanted, no, needed her Mom to be sure too. “You guys will get…” Ro hiccupped a few times and angrily sat up and wiped her eyes, punching the soft arm of the chair to calm herself down. “You’ll get married some day and then…” More hiccups, more wipes and another punch. “…and then he’ll be my daddy and Neron will go away.”

“That sounds like a very nice thing, doesn’t it, baby?”

“Yes. I love Nick, Mamí. And he loves us, and Neron…” She shook her head and laid back down again, swiping her bitten blue bell from the plate before settling in. “Neron cannot be my daddy. I already have one picked out.”

What was Lani supposed to say? How could she explain this? How could she upset her daughter further? How…what…why? There was the question. Why? Why did Neron come back? Why did he disappear in the first place? And why, why, why did Lani feel so afraid now that he was back and seemed to have an agenda in mind? She was secure in everything. Hell, she might even get some child support out of this mess.

She still wanted to throw up.

When Lani felt Ro’s muscles relax under her hand, she patted her daughter’s back, and smiling when their eyes met, she brushed a matted curl off of the small, furrowed brow. “Do me a favor, huh?”

“What, Mamí?”

“Go into the kitchen and read me the numbers on the clock on the microwave. If the numbers are higher than…” Lani calculated California time quickly in her head and on her fingers to be sure. “…9, 3, 0, bring me my cell phone from the counter, okay?”

Rosalie’s eyes lit up and she popped the rest of the bell into her mouth. “Are we gonna call Nicky?” Her hand smacked over her mouth when crumbs flew out of it as she spoke. “Lo siento.”

“Would you like to call Nick? I think he’ll be on dinner break now.”

“Yes…then I’ll sleep good tonight. Maybe he can sing to me on the phone.”

Before the two girls moved, Lani brushed her knuckle over her daughters porcelain smooth caramel skin and felt the first moment’s peace since this whole conversation had started.

Just like a daddy…he’ll sing his baby to sleep.

“Muñe! Como està?” Nick stood from the conference table where he’d spent way too many hours already that day and walked out of the room, ignoring the questioning looks he received from his old friends. “Un momento, Muñe.” He turned back to them and snickered when he saw their mouths hanging open. “We decided on dinner now, right? I’m out…”

“Uh…we weren’t quite done, Nick.”

“Dinner. One hour. My girls are on the phone. We’ll finish later.” With that he walked out and let the door slam behind him. Things were going pretty well, but it was definitely different. Brian, Howie, Kevin and even AJ were not used to this Nick. The one who would say, “no” or “I’m not happy with that,” or “what other options are out there?” They didn’t dislike it, they just…

“I guess it’s time for dinner.”

Nick found a small hallway to steal away in and leaned up against the wall, closing his eyes and imagining the inside of Lani’s house, stray Christmas boxes waiting by the garage for him to put up into storage, the remaining smell of dinner lingering in the kitchen and a freshly bathed and pajama’d Rosalie waiting for him to tuck her in. Home. He missed it desperately. “Okay, Ro, I’m back…how are you?”

“I’m okay. It’s bedtime and I wanted to say ‘goodnight’ to you.”

“Yeah, I guess it is bedtime…did you have a good day today?” Nick heard movement in the main hallway and peeked out, flipping off Kevin and AJ as they walked by smirking.

“Yes, we took down the tree, Nicky. The room looks empty.”

“I bet it does. We had a good Christmas, huh?”

“Yes, Nicky…” Rosalie’s voice faded as she remembered her strange conversation with her mother. She didn’t want to talk about it, but she couldn’t get it out of her head either. She wished she’d never found that stupid card.

“You okay, Muñe? I miss you.”

“I miss you too, Nicky. How many more sleeps?”

“Three more sleeps.” Nick heard a cackle in the hallway and looked around the wall again only to see Brian and Howie holding each other up as they walked away. “Just wait, Littrell…just wait ‘til that boy calls you, dude.”

“Yeah, yeah…three more sleeps, Nicky…three more!”

“… told me. Who talking to you?”

“Brian and Howie were being boogers. But they’re always boogers.”

Rosalie sighed and walked into her bedroom, ignoring the fact that Nick was hanging out with Backstreet Boys and glared at the nativity staring at her. “We forgot to put la natividad away. I don’t think I want it anymore.”

“No? I thought you loved that…” Nick heard her change in mood immediately and wondered…did Neron show up again? And without him there…

“I do, but…” she sighed and decided she needed to feel his arms around her before she’d let herself get too sad again. He’d make it all better. “…I think I just want my shelf back.”

“Oh, okay…have you brushed your teeth yet?”

“Yes, before I called.” She slipped under the covers and smiled at her mom as she appeared in the doorway right on time. “I want you to sing to me tonight, Nicky. Will you sing to me?”

Nick made a quick glance up and down the hallway and feeling satisfied he was alone, he agreed. “What do you want me to sing?”

“One of your songs…”

“Hmmm…okay…lemme think.” Nick mulled a few of his songs over in his head and smiled when he remembered one he’d sung to her mom about a year earlier. It fit, especially when he’d start in the middle.

I want to thank you
For all of the things you've done
And most for choosing me
To be the one

It's funny how life can take new meaning
You came and changed what I believe in
The world on the outside's trying to pull me in
But they can't touch me cuz I got you

And it hits me when I reach for you
That I'm afraid you won't be there …

Nick’s voice faded out mid-verse and he heard the even rhythm of Rosalie’s breathing.

“Muñe? You asleep?”

“She’s asleep…I love you.”

“Mmm…” Nick smiled at Lani’s deep, rich voice wondering if he could actually make it three more sleeps away from his girls. “I love you too, baby.”

“Come home soon. We need you.”

“You got me, Lani. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”