Not quite twelve months later, I was sitting in the El Paso airport waiting for Garret to check in.  His flight to Dallas left in about an hour.  It was Friday afternoon and he was supposed to be gone until Sunday.
I took a deep breath.  I was always doing this.  I was always saying good-bye to people who meant something to me.
"I’m set," he said coming back.
I tried to smile.
He touched my hair and gave me small kiss.
"It’s just a job interview.  They probably won’t even give it to me, Ellie," he said.
"They’ll give you the job.  I want you to get that job," I said knowing damn well I was lying.
"If I get it, baby, you can come to Dallas.  You can find a teaching position there."
"Um, I’ll think about it," I said with a slight shrug.
He tried to conceal the fact that he didn’t like my response, but I caught him rolling his eyes.  "Look, I’m getting ahead of myself.  Let’s just see how the interview goes.  What are you doing while I’m gone?"
"Nothing.  I have to prepare for my EXCET exams."
"Why don’t you go out with your sister?" he asked.
"To the clubs?  No.  I don’t think I could go back to the club thing."
"Well, you two can go to a movie or something. I don’t want you sitting around at home all the time.  My friend Pedro is meeting me in Dallas, and we’re going to go out.  I’ll feel bad if you don’t have any fun."
I gave him a look and mussed his short, chocolate brown hair.  "Well, just don’t have too much fun."  I kept my hand at the back of his neck.
We were quiet for a few minutes watching the gate fill up.  Airports depressed me.  I hated saying good-bye to people, and now I was surrounded.
Suddenly, Garret pulled me into his arms.
"I’m going to call you as soon as I get there, and I’m going to miss you every minute, Elisa Vasquez," he said into my ear.
"I’ll miss you too," I said and pulled away from him.  "But Garret ..." I started then changed my mind.  I wanted to tell him that I had no intention of moving to Dallas if he got the job, but it wasn’t the right time.
"What baby?"
"Nothing.  Just make sure you show them how great you are."
He smiled.  Garret was different from the former men in my life in that he was a man.  He was smart, honest, responsible, loyal, strong and hard-working.  He didn’t drink and hated the entire club scene.  He spent his late teens and early twenties writing for every publication in El Paso instead of frequenting the night spots like everyone else.  He was only 23 but already poised to write for a major Texas newspaper after having spent his senior year writing for the El Paso Times.
We’d only been together for six months, and I had struggled hard not to get close to him.  He possessed many of the qualities that I admired in others but always found lacking in myself, so it had should have been easy to fall in love with him.  But I fought hard, holding on to the knowledge that he was not meant to stay in El Paso.  And he was not the man for me. I wanted spend time with him just to avoid being lonely.  Ultimately, I knew he’d end up walking away just like everyone else.
We heard the call for the first group of passengers for Garret’s flight.
"That’s me, baby," he said standing up.
I followed him to the gate.
"Have fun while I’m gone.  And I’ll call you, okay?"
I nodded and hugged him.  He smelled of the cologne I’d given him for Christmas.   "Okay.  Good luck, though you don’t need it."
He smiled and kissed me again.  "Thanks.  Bye."
I let go of him. "Good-bye."
I watched him disappear into the tunnel then walked away.  I didn’t want to watch the plane take off.
 

Laura hadn’t wanted to go out with me.  She was seeing someone and decided to go out with him.  I planned to stay home, but just as Jay Leno came on, I was overcome by this urge to go out.  I hurried into my clubbing clothes and grabbed my car keys.
When I walked in, the OP was still relatively empty.  It’s really more of an after hours place, but there were some people dancing.  For the first time, I felt uneasy walking in alone.  I guess it had never intimidated me before because I always had friends.  Ever since Garret, I hadn’t stepped foot in a club, so I wasn’t even sure I knew anyone anymore.
I hadn’t drank in those six months either, but just being back in the club brought back the urge.   So, I headed to the bar, ordered a Zima with lime and settled into an empty stool.
I was working on my second drink when someone touched my shoulder.
"Want to dance?"
I looked up to find a tall, dark haired guy.
"No thanks," I said not even giving it any thought.
He walked away.
The dance floor filled up quickly.  It was barely midnight, but I guess people had taken to enjoying the OP before the other clubs closed.  The music throbbed through the crowd as I watched people walking by and eyeing each other.  The girls looked younger than me.  They dressed much younger than me, and I was wearing such a short skirt that I was glad my mom wasn’t around to see it.
I sucked in air and looked around. I didn’t belong here anymore.  My friends weren’t here, and somehow, I just couldn’t stop thinking about Garret.  What was he doing?  Who was he with?  Was he really thinking about me?  He called as soon as he arrived as he had promised.  Pedro had shown up early and was going to show him around Dallas.  Crazy doubts entered my head when he said that.  It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him.  Maybe, I just really missed him.
I ordered another drink but ended up just looking at it.  I didn’t want to get drunk by myself.  That would be pathetic.  I toyed with the bottle and looked around.  I needed a cigarette but was too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom.
"Will you dance with me?"
I looked up and touched the guy’s arm.  "No thanks."
"Well, are you waiting for somebody?"
"Yeah, my boyfriend will be right back."
He shrugged.  "Okay."
Two minutes later, he was dancing with someone else in a skirt even shorter than mine.
Out of nowhere, I felt somebody touch my hair.  Instinctively, I pushed the hand away.  When I turned around, I found some guy trying to keep his balance behind me.
"Sorry, it just looked so soft," he said with a big smile on his face.
I eyed him.
"Do you want to dance?" he asked.
I shook my head.  "No."
He took a step closer to me and looked like he was about to say something when someone settled into the stool next to mine and bumped me kind of hard.
"Well, there you are.  I thought for sure I wouldn’t be able to find you."
I turned to find Nick sitting next to me.  He was smiling wearing a ribbed, baby blue V-neck jersey that made his eyes bluer than I even remembered them.  He hair was shorter, and he looked taller, if that was possible.  His face was noticeably thinner, and he looked grown.
My jaw must have dropped because he started laughing.
I jumped out of the stool and into his arms.
"Nick!  Nick!  Oh my God!"
He was holding me tightly to himself.  I could hear him laughing into my hair.
"Hello Elisa.  I guess you’re happy to see me?"
I pulled away and then embraced him again.  I didn’t have words to describe what I was feeling.
When I was finally able to let him go all I could do was stare at him. There was a different air about him.
"What are you doing here?" I asked finally finding my voice.
"Well, that’s a long story that I’ll have to tell you very soon.  The truth is here that I live here now."
I don’t think I could have looked more shocked than I did when I first saw him, but those words sent me reeling.
"What?" I asked.
He nodded and took my hand into his.  "It’s a long story.  Are you here by yourself?  I was watching you for about twenty minutes, and I was wondering if they hired you to come turn guys down and keep them humble."
I smacked his arm.  "Twenty minutes?  And you barely came to talk to me now?"
He shrugged and jerked his thumb toward the drunk guy who had stumbled off.  "You looked like you needed rescuing."
I was back to just staring at him.  I wanted to pinch myself to make sure I was awake.  Just feeling my hand inside of his familiar, large, warm one was enough assure me that this was not a fantasy.
He repeated his question.  "So are you here alone?"
I laughed and finally nodded.  "My sister had a date."
He looked around.  "Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m about ready for some food.  And maybe we can finally go catch up.  Are you hungry?"
"Sure," I said.  "Lets go."
We left my car at the club and climbed into his huge Durango.  I didn’t even have to tell him where to go.  He drove us to the nearest Village Inn holding my hand the entire way.
"So, how are you?" he asked after we ordered.
"Fine," I said tentatively.  "I’m fine.  You?"
He nodded and smirked.  "Fine."
I bit my tongue to stop myself from bombarding him with questions.
"You look good," he said.
I pulled at my short skirt trying to make it longer.  "Think I carry off the hootchie look well?"  I asked.  "Thanks."
"You don’t look like a hootchie.  You never could, even you tried. And believe me because I have seen many of them," he said seriously.  "I think you look great."
I smiled at him.  "Not as great as you do, honey.  So, are you ever going to tell me what you’re doing living in El Paso, Texas?"
He sat up.  "Short version?  I left the group.  You didn’t know?"
I shook my head.  "What?  Why?"
"Same reasons I left the first time, when I met you.  I just wasn’t happy.  I can’t believe you didn’t know.  Don’t you watch MTV?"
"Not since the last time I saw you here.  I’ve been finishing up my degree and preparing to look for a job.  I’m hardly ever home anymore,"  I said purposely leaving Garret out of the conversation.
"Well, it was kind of a big deal," he bit his lip. "They even had a special report.  When I first left, I just wanted to be alone and live that normal life I was always talking to you about.  I tried it out in Tampa, but it was too hard.  Everyone knew where I was all the time.  Press and fans everywhere.  It was like being in the group still.  So, I remembered what a good time I had here and decided to try making it my home.  I guess I’ve been here about three months now."
"Three months?  And you never called me."
"I don’t have your phone number.  I was very drunk when you took me to your house remember?  So I have no idea how to get there.  I thought I’d bump into you at the clubs, but you were never there."
"I don’t go out to clubs anymore," I said looking down at the table.
"Well, I haven’t been out that much either.  I enrolled at NMSU, so I drive out there everyday."
"You’re in college?  Really?  What are you studying?"
"Computer Engineering.  It’s tough.  I had a tutor and never went to high school.  It’s tough adjusting to sitting in a classroom without individual attention.  I’m doing okay though.  I have a house on the west side, and I’ve made a few friends.  They don’t know who I am.  I mean, who I was.  Here, I used to think I was famous."
I smiled at him.  "You are famous.  It’s just that you don’t act like it."
He sat back and crossed his arms.  "It’s been good though, Elisa.  I’m enjoying being on my own.  I come and go as I please.  I do whatever I want."  He chuckled.  "You know, at first I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I got a job at the mall.  I hated it.  It was boring work.  But it was funny because all of the young girls would come through my line just to look at me.  Sometimes they asked me if I was Nick from the Backstreet Boys.  I usually denied it, but sometimes I just said yes for the hell of it.  When I said yes, they didn’t believe me.  When I said no, they kept coming back and asking me.  Who understands them?"  He looked down.  "I do miss that, though.  I was always up for attention and affection.  It’s sweet when girls tell you that they love you."
"Are you working anywhere now?"
He shook his head.  "I gave that up pretty quickly.  I just wanted something to do.  So, I volunteer at this nursing home and at a children’s hospital in Las Cruces.  It’s funny, they have a picture of me and the guys up in the lobby from last year.  Remember when we donated the money?  And no one has made the connection.  I guess they’re just happy to have someone who will actually help."
I was at a loss for words.  The truth was that after he left, I avoided anything that any semblance to the Backstreet Boys.  It was just too painful to see him.  Not much later, Garret came into my life in this new facet, and I put my time with Nick behind me.
He sat up and leaned across the table a little bit to me.  "I’m glad I finally bumped into you, though.  I thought I never would.  Thanks for the pictures.  I still have them."
My pulse quickened.  I had to clear my throat.  "You’re welcome.  I’m sorry, Nick.  I didn’t--."
He shook his head.  "Don’t apologize.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  And I was glad to have a picture of you to keep.  I would look at them whenever I started feeling restless.  Thanks for never doing anything with them."
"Oh, I couldn’t--."
"I know," he said.  "But I understand how things started out that way."
Our food came, and we both settled down to eat.  I kept stealing glances at him just to make sure he wasn’t an apparition.  He was eating hungrily.  That hadn’t changed.
I waited until he had a big bite in his mouth to get back at him for reminding me of the photographs.
"So, how’s boarding school?" I asked.
His eyes widened.  He gulped back his food, then sipped his soda.
"What?"
I sat up.  "Boarding school?  You know, stuffy school for boys in Maryland?"
He laughed.  "Oh my God, give me break.  I was hung over.  I couldn’t think of a better story.  When did you know who I was?"
"That morning.  I was supposed to be in Las Cruces reviewing the concert instead of at the OP --."
"Rescuing me."
"Yeah," I said. "Thanks for returning the favor today.  But anyway, I was talking to the newspaper editor because he wanted to know where my review was.  He knew there was no concert.  He just wanted to catch me in the lie.  Then, one of the videos came on TV, and I recognized you."
"From the beginning?"
I nodded.  "From the beginning."
He shook his head.  "Oh!  You just should have told me.  I lied up at down to you.  Well, not about everything."
I was back to admiring him.  I doubt I had ever seen anyone so perfect and at ease with himself.
"What?" he asked looking momentarily uncomfortable.
"Nothing.  You just look great."
He blushed.
The conversation moved to more mundane things.  I told him about how I was about to graduate in May.  I was preparing for the state certification exams and starting to look for a job.  Nick was happily spending his time buying furniture in Mexican curio shops.  He really liked going to school even though it was hard for him to sit still and do the homework.  That was understandable.  He was always full of energy.
We were walking to the Durango when he stopped, looked up at the starry sky and took a deep breath.
"What?" I asked him.
He shook his head.  "Nothing.  I’m just feeling at home.  Do you want to go see my house?" he asked.
I knew it was late, but I couldn’t resist.  "Sure."
We drove farther west into the well to do El Paso neighborhoods where all of the houses were beautiful and well-kept.  I was silent the entire ride just listening to him hum along with the radio and chat idly about whatever crossed his path.
"I have nothing to do with the outside," he said of the two story house surrounded by trees, shrubs and rosebushes as we stepped out of the truck.  "Some guys come and do the yard.  I know I told you that I always liked doing around the house stuff, but not the yard.  I hate doing the yard.  So," he said as he unlocked the door and punched in a security code.  "I worry more about what is inside the house.  And don’t expect much because I like so many different things, it just doesn’t seem to gel."
He let go of my hand for the first time the whole night as he let me in.  When he turned on the light, I was met by chaos, beauty, youth, class, energy and fun all of which amounted to Nick.  I recognized prints from Mexican artists he had probably purchased across the border, posters of Japanese animes and family pictures all over the walls.  The furniture was standard, huge screen TV, large and comfortable couch, coffee table full of art books, and funky lamps.  However, he included some antique-looking wooden chairs and tables.
He watched me as I walked around slowly taking it all in.
"Well?" he asked hopefully.
"It’s great, honey.  I can’t believe you have all of this stuff, this different stuff."
He laughed.  "It looks messy, huh?"
I shook my head.  "It looks like you."
He rolled his eyes.  "Then it’s a mess.  Want something to drink?  Water?  Coke?"
"Water sounds good."
He kicked off his shoes and disappeared into the kitchen.  I was drawn to a collection of 4 x 7 framed photographs above the chimney.  I recognized what looked like family members:  cute kids with huge, friendly smiles.  There were two or three pictures of him with his mom and dad.  Off in the corner there was a picture of us sitting in on the fountain at the mall.  We were both looking at the floor and looked like the most depressed people in the world.
"I like that one," he said startling me.  "It reminds me of everything I was feeling that day."
I rolled my eyes as he handed me large glass of water.  "Why would you want to remember how depressed we were?"
He shook his head.  "I don’t look at it that way.  It was just the moment we started to connect."  He looked at the picture then at me.  "You’ve cut your hair."
"Just a little. So have you."
He nodded and pulled me to the couch.  "Let’s sit down."
For the first time the whole evening, there was  a strange silence between us.  I don’t even remember that happening the first time we hung out.  We always seemed to be talking about one thing or another.
"Your house is beautiful, Nick," I said.  "It’s amazing."
"Thanks.  I’ll give you the grand tour later.  Unless, you need to go home?"
I shook my head.  "No one is expecting me.  I live with my sister, remember?  Well, I don’t know if you remember."
"Not with you parents?  I don’t remember seeing them at all."
"Both my parents have passed away," I said quickly.
He covered his mouth.  "I’m sorry.  I didn’t know."
"It’s okay," I said to put him at ease.  "It’s actually been about five years for my mom and four for my dad.  She had cancer and died after a long, exhausting struggle. I think she died because she was tired more than because of the cancer.  She just lost the will to keep fighting.  My dad followed her not a year later.  He had a stroke.  I think he just couldn’t bare to be without her.  I like to think they’re together and happy.  Like they should be.  They left us the house, though.  Laura, my sister, and I live there, but I have two other sisters.  They’re married.  One lives in Austin and the other in east El Paso."
He was nodding.  "I’m very close to my parents, especially my mother.  I don’t know what I would do without her."
"You don’t hear a lot of people say that anymore."
Nick sat back.  "She’s amazing.  When I started doing the show business thing seriously, she dropped everything to be there for me.  She took me to every audition that I wanted.  She sat there and watched me, encouraged me, took care of me.  Got me all of the lessons I needed.  I used to see kids who would get dropped off at  auditions or singing or dancing lessons and picked up hours later.  Not my mom, she was always there. She had to be sure that I was safe."
"Well, she’s smart then.  Kids get taken advantage of all the time."
He nodded.  "We had a safe word.  I got to pick it.  If I ever said ‘terrified’ to her, she was supposed to drop everything and get me out of wherever I was.  I always felt like I was in control of the situation then.  Well, up until I started getting restless last year."
I sat back to watch him as he spoke.  It was hard to find the insecure kid I had met inside of the confident man that sat next to me, but he still lingered behind Nick’s eyes.  He smiled and put his hand out to me. I put my hand into his as he squeezed tightly.
"That’s when you started running off?"
He nodded.  "I was just so tired.  It was always my idea to get into singing.  I wanted to sing, act, dance, walk upside down, anything to get attention.  Then, when things were going great with the group, I started getting his empty feeling right here," he said pointing at his flat stomach with his other hand.  "I felt so lonely.  The guys," he hesitated.  "The other guys are great.  But I just don’t think they really had any interest in me as person.  Don’t get me wrong, we got along and everything.  But since they’re older, they didn’t think I saw things the way they did.  I was always left out of clubbing because I was too young. I couldn’t go out with them when they took out their girlfriends because I didn’t have one.  I just couldn’t relate to them.  I was only happy when I was onstage.  When I sang, and people cheered for me, I was happier than I had ever been.
"After the shows, in the hotels or while we traveled, I felt so alone," he continued.  "I would play my video games, and they’d just ignore me.  I think they thought I really enjoyed those stupid games.  In reality, I was just giving them the excuse they needed to leave me alone.  I was feeling guilty for joining the group and making commitments I didn’t want to keep anymore and for dragging practically my whole family in with me.  They would go on tour with us and put off everything they had to do in their lives just to be with me. But they all really liked the guys and thought I was so happy.  But when my family wasn’t around, I was felt empty all the time.  When I started running off, as you put it, the guys would get so annoyed with me.  But no one asked me why.  That Sunday night I went back to Las Cruces, they acted like nothing had even happened. No one told me we were going to lie and say I was sick with diarrhea," he said trying to suppress a chuckle.  "Man, they always had to get back at me.  I swear, I was embarrassed."
"You blushed," I reminded him. "But no one talked to you about it?  Asked you where you were?"
He shook his head.  "Nope.  I put up with it, the loneliness, for a few more months, then I started getting these rashes.  I would get big blotchy red things on my arms that itched all the time.  The doctor said it wasn’t an infection, but gave me medicine anyway.  It didn’t help.  I was still scratching, then the rashes started bleeding."
"What was it?"
He half laughed almost bitterly.  "Anxiety.  I was so depressed and tired and frustrated that I started to break out.  I was just that unhappy."
I just shook my head in disbelief.
"In the middle of the tour, I called my mom and told her I was ‘terrified.’  She dropped the phone, I swear.  But she came to Los Angeles to talk to me.  I just broke down.  I told her the whole story, about how I was unhappy, about what had happened here, about the rashes, everything.  She asked me point blank if I wanted to get out.  It was the hardest question I ever had to answer, but I knew deep down inside I didn’t have a choice.  She had the lawyers getting me out of the group in no time.  It was a big deal.  I mean, they were going to sue us and everything.  But my mom had all of that covered.  She had studied every word of my contract to make sure I had an out.  And I did.  I was out so fast that I didn’t even say good-bye to anyone or even to get my stuff off the bus.  They must think I hate them."
"But you’re happy now?"
He looked at me.  "You have no idea.  I love my life.  I love the independence, the freedom even the responsibility.  I just...," he trailed off.
"What?"
"To get out of the contract, I had to agree not to sing.  For three years, what was left of my contract, I can’t sing.  Just in the shower, I guess."
I held his hand tighter into mine and leaned on his shoulder.
"I’m sorry, honey.  I guess that’s a big deal to you, huh?"
He sighed.  "It’s what I miss.  I miss it so much.  But hey, my rashes are gone, and I have my house and my family," he turned to me. "And now you."
I looked at him.  He had only gotten more attractive, more sexy.  I forced myself to turn away.
"Well, I’m glad to be here," I said.
"You’re nervous," he said with a laugh.  "Why?"
"I’m not nervous."
"Yes you are.  Look at me."
I turned to face him again.  He made a pouty mouth at me and brushed his lips with mine.
"I’m nineteen now," he said, his mouth poised at my lips.
"I’m twenty-five," I said.
"Darn!  You aged a year too," I heard the smile in his voice though I had closed my eyes.  "It’s just a number."
My heart pounded and I felt my palms get cold.  I fought my body’s every urge to sink into his mouth and pulled myself away thinking about Garret.
I stood up.  "Yeah, well, it’s not just the age thing anymore, Nick."
He reached up to pull me back but ended up bumping my hip instead.  The contact was electric, but I moved away.
"I’m sorry," he said startled.  "Sit down. What’s wrong?"
I sat down on the coffee table instead of next to him because it was so difficult to be close to him.  I must have looked flustered and confused because he kept searching my face.  He took my hand back.
"What?" he asked again.  "Tell me."
"I have a boyfriend now," I spat out taking my hand away from him. "Things aren’t the same."
His face changed.  The concern left his eyes, and he brightened back up.  He smiled that easy smile I was so used to seeing plastered on his face.
"Boyfriend?  Then what were you doing at the OP?"
"He’s out of town.  He’s in Dallas for the weekend for this job interview.  He’ll probably get it, the asshole, and just leave me here."
Nick chuckled at my expletive then nodded.  "Do you really love this guy?"
"I really like him, Nick, I do.  But love is a big word and I don’t throw it around easily.  If we were together longer, I could definitely love him."
He nodded.  His hand reached up for my hair, but I pulled away.
"Don’t," I said.
He gave me a hurt look.
"This is hard for me," I told him.  "I want to do the right thing by Garret.  He’s not here, but I am his girlfriend.  Yet you’re here, and being close to you is the most difficult thing I have done since I let go of you the first time,"  I took a deep breath and chose the honest approach.  "I want to kiss you.  I want to be close to you, but I can’t.  It’s bad enough that I’ve been so stupid in the past, that I’m not going to make it worse now.  Even if there was no Garret, I don’t know if I could."
"Because of the age thing?  We’re back to the numbers," he said dryly.
I rubbed my temples.  I didn’t want to argue with him, not just when we had found each other again.
"Look, I respect that you have boyfriend.  I’m glad you do.  I’m glad you decided to take a chance on someone.  He might and he might not get that job. There is nothing you can do about that right now.  But," he said leaning closer to me.  "We are here.  I have waited an entire year to see you again, talk to you, tell you how things were better for me.  And thank you over and over for hearing me out when no one else would.  Not just to kiss you.  This isn’t about my physical urges," he laughed.  "Or yours for that matter, but I’m glad you like me.  But weren’t we both looking for friends last year?  Isn’t that what we found that day?" he asked pointing at the photographs.
I nodded, not having any idea what to say.
"Yeah," I said still searching for words.  "More than anything, I still want a friend."
He put his arms out to me.  I crawled into the safest, most comfortable place in the world:  leaning up against Nick’s warm chest and inside strong embrace.
He swept my hair out of my face.
"Close your eyes," he said softly.  "Just close them.  You’re here with me.  Everything’s okay."
 
 

I didn’t know where I was the next morning when I opened my eyes.  It was the scariest feeling in the world that I had promised myself I would never feel again, but slowly enough, I remembered.  I was with Nick.
My shoulder was sore from the weight of his arm.  I tried to sit up slowly, praying that I hadn’t drooled on him.
"Good morning sleepy head," he said.
I sat all the way up.  "I’m sorry.  I fell asleep on you."
"It’s okay," he said turning the TV off.  It had been on so soft, I hadn’t heard it.  "I fell asleep too."
"What time is it?"
"Almost ten.  We must have fallen asleep close to four in the morning."
I was trying to wipe the sleep out of my eyes, straighten my clothes and fix my hair.  Of course, he looked perfect.  He chuckled watching me then stopped my hands.
"Stop it, you look great.  Wanna use the bathroom?" he asked.
I nodded.
I followed him up the stairs to a huge, white immaculate bathroom.
"You can shower if you want.  I can get you a T-shirt and some boxers," he was saying as he walked back to his bedroom.  "I have socks too," I heard him say.  "But they’re probably too big for you.  I just bought a toothbrush, and you can have it," he came back into the room and handed me everything in a neat bundle.
I was still sleepy and confused.  It struck me that we had already been in this situation but the other way around.
"Hey, are you okay?" he asked.
I just nodded.
"Want some coffee?  I don’t drink it, but I have a coffee maker."
"Sure, honey.  Thanks."
He made his way out.  "Okay, shout if you need anything.  Someone to scrub your back or anything else." I heard him trail off.
I hurried to shower and had to quickly evaluate my situation.  I had resisted kissing him, but it had been damn hard.  It was probably best to cut my losses and leave him alone for good.  He was just too tempting, to easy to be with, and I cared about him too much.  I still had Garret to contend with.  In my past relationships, I had been many things, but never unfaithful.  His interview was scheduled for two o’clock Dallas time which would be one El Paso time.  He probably didn’t call again, but if he had, I hadn’t been there.  It would be easy enough to lie and say I’d slept in so late that I didn’t even hear the phone ring.
I bothered me to be planning to lie to him.  I knew I was already walking down the wrong path.
By the time I got back downstairs the house smelled like coffee.  I found him making toast, already showered and dressed in jeans and a black T-shirt.  His hair looked damp.
"Well," he said.  "It’s not much, but it’s food."
"You didn’t have to," I said.
He finally looked up at me. "What?  And miss out on the opportunity to pay you back for feeding me that morning last year?  No way!  Hey, my clothes never look that good on me!"
I laughed and pulled up the boxers.  "They’re kind of long."
"Kind of?  It’s okay.  We’ll go get your car after we eat something.  I’m starved.  Sit down."
I sat down and touched my stomach.  "I’m still full from last night."
He put the coffee on the table and sat down next to me.  He busied himself slathering butter on the toast and making chocolate milk.  I wanted to laugh.  He was such a kid.
I probably should have left right then and there.  But he just had this effect on me that didn’t let me think straight.  Suddenly, whether Garret found me at home or not wasn’t  a big deal. Nick was making me toast, and I wasn’t going to miss that.
He handed me the greasy toast.  "Here.  You can have the first one."
"Thanks."
He ate quickly while I just took a couple of bites.
"What are you doing today?  Do you have any plans?" he asked.
"No.  I was going to study for the EXCET, but frankly, I’m tired of doing that already.  I’m to the point that either I know it or I don’t."
"Want to hang out?  We could go to the mall or the movies."
"Or both?" I asked hopefully.
He grinned and nodded.  "Of course.  We’ll go get your car, drop it off at your house and then you can change, unless you want to wear my clothes all day."
"Um, I would, but I’d embarrass you."
He shook his head.  "Never."
So it was settled.  We had made plans.
When we walked into my house, Laura was working on her laptop.  She stopped typing, and looked up at us surprised.
"Hi Laura," I said trying to sound natural while wearing a famous 19-year-old’s T-shirt and boxers.
She raised her eyebrows.   "Hi Ellie.  Ellie’s friend."
Nick smiled.
"Laura this is Nick.  Nick, this is my sister Laura, photographer.  She wanted to sue me when I didn’t let her do anything with those pictures she took of you last year," I said.
Nick smiled at her and went to shake her hand.  "Hi.  It’s nice to meet you.  How are you?"
She had to force her jaw to close.  "You?  That’s you?  The Backstreet Boy?  It’s nice to meet you, too."
"Thanks.  Thanks for the pictures.  Elisa gave them to me."
I ducked into my bedroom and left them to get to know each other.  I changed into some jeans, thick-heeled boots and a decent shirt.  While I hurriedly put on my make up, I got a good look at myself.  I looked like a ridiculously giddy, older girl running around after someone who was way too young and famous to boot.
I sucked in air as I brushed out my hair and tried to make some sense of it.  He was here because he wanted to be here.  We were just friends.  That had been agreed the night before.  All I had to do was keep my emotions in check and remember Garret.  Garret.  I glanced at the clock.  12:30.  He was probably heading to his interview if not sitting impatiently in the office.
"You want to go to the mall?" I asked Laura when I stepped back into the living room.
They were looking at the computer.
She shook her head.  "No thanks, unless you want me to take some pictures?"
We both laughed.
"No," I said.  "No thanks."
"Then you guys have fun.  It was nice to meet you, Nick," she said.
"Thanks.  It was nice to meet you, too."
I waved at her.  "Bye."
She had a huge smile on her face as she waved back.
 
 

In no time, we had hit every store in the mall and bought much more clothes than either one of us needed.  He had this crazy idea that I needed to get a new dress.
"I don’t wear strapless dresses," I said firmly.
"All the girls wear them.  Just try it on.  For me."
I looked up at him.  I hated that phrase, ‘for me.’  People had used it on me in the past, and I had ended doing very stupid things.  When Nick uttered it, I was beat before I even began to struggle.
"Why do you want me to look like hootchie?" I asked as he steered me back to the store where we had seen mannequins were wearing black, strapless, tube dresses.
"You’re obsessed with the hootchie crap!  Who ever told you looked like a hootchie?  Man, you could never look like hootchie.  Trust me, just trust me.  I bought my sister a dress like that, and she’s in high school.  She looked great, and so will you."
He and the sales girl hit it off right away.  She was smiling up at him and touching his arm whenever she could.  I wondered if she recognized him.  He didn’t seem to sense anything strange while he looked over each dress and kept looking at me for approval.  I picked the one that looked longest.  It had some wires inside that ensured it would stay up.  There was a thin, satin ribbon around the waist and at the top.
I stared at him as we walked toward the dressing room, hoping he’d change his mind and not make me do this.  He avoided my eyes and sat down in a chair outside the dressing room.
"Well go on, get in there," he said, not smiling.
When I closed the dressing room door, I heard him burst out laughing.
The dress was amazing.  It wasn’t low cut at all and seemed to stay up firmly in place.  It went down just above my knees.
"Well?" I heard Nick ask.
I opened the door and smiled at him.
He smiled, and his face turned light shade of pink.  He stood up, put his hand out to me then made me take a turn.
"Hey!" I protested.
He laughed and made me face the full-length mirror.  He stood behind me, and we looked at our reflection.
"See," he said.  "See, you look great.  You don’t look like a hootchie."
He towered over me as he slid his hand around my waist and placed it on my stomach.  It fluttered against his touch.  I felt the now-familiar goose bumps go right through me.
"You are so tiny," he said softly.
My throat was parched.  I had to gulp hard and bite my lip to make myself remember that I had to keep myself in check.
"Nick," I began.
"Shh, listen, what do you think about this?  We get this dress today.  I make dinner for you at my house.  You put on the dress, and some big, big high heels and come over.  We can talk and hang out, and," he smiled at me in the mirror.  "I promise I’ll be good, if you want me to be good that is.  And you can tell me about that boyfriend because I asked your sister about him, and she said she doesn’t like him."
I turned around to look at him.  "What?  What did she say?"
He put his other hand on my bare shoulder so I’d face the mirror again.
"Nothing," he said with shrug.  "I just want to know your side of the story."
I shook my head and tried not to laugh.  "I don’t need a special dress for you to cook me dinner.  I have lots of dresses."
"But I like this one.  C’mon, let me do this one thing."
"The dress and dinner would be two things, Nick.  You don’t have to do this.  You don’t owe me anything."
He took a step closer to me.  I felt his body against mine.  "Don’t start with that.  How can you say that?  I owe you my sanity.  If I’d never met you, I probably would still be touring and going crazy.  You showed me what normal was like again.  You showed me what it’s like just to be some guy hoping to catch the attention of a girl who won’t look twice his way.  It gave me hope that I could be normal.  How can you say that’s nothing?"
There was no answer to that question.  I could only look at him, speechless.
"How did it fit?" the sales girl asked walking in.
Nick turned and smiled at her.  "Great.  We’re taking it, right?"
They both looked at me for approval.
I nodded.  "Right.  Thanks, just let me change."
He stepped out and closed the door.  I could hear him having a friendly chat with the sales girl still.  I strained my ear to listen to the conversation, but all I heard was her giggle and his soft laugh.  Was I jealous?  I couldn’t be jealous.  I hurried out of the dress and back into my clothes not wanting to leave them alone much longer.
He drove me home and walked me to the door carrying all of my bags.
"What time do you want me to come pick you up?  You need to give me some time because I have to go the grocery story and start dinner," he said.
"I’ll just meet you back at your house, then, okay?  What time do you want me there?"
He shrugged.  "It’s six-thirty now.  Why don’t we make it eight?"
"Sure, okay.  Are you sure you want to do this?  We can go out to dinner."
"Let me do it," he said one word at a time. "I can cook.  Just put on the dress and look good."
I shook my head and half laughed.  "I’ll need more than an hour and half for that," I said as I opened the door.
He pulled my arm back.  "Hey, hey wait."  He had put all the bags down on the porch.
"What?"
"You don’t think you’re pretty?  You really don’t?  It’s not just a modesty thing, huh?  Doesn’t your boyfriend tell you that you’re beautiful?  Doesn’t he tell you everyday?"
"Nick, I--," I began.
"No, does he tell you?"
"It doesn’t matter."
"But does he tell you, Elisa?"
"That’s never mattered to me.  It used to, but now I want people to look at me for me, not for what I look like," I said.
"Makes sense.  But you haven’t answered the question."
I sighed.  "No, Garret doesn’t spend all day telling me I’m beautiful.  He just tells me that I’m smart and nice and a good person."
Nick shook his head and held my hand to his chest.  "You are an amazingly beautiful woman, Elisa.  I mean it.  You have the darkest eyes I have ever seen and the smoothest golden skin.  I love the way your hair shines all the time and the curls that it has at the ends.  When you put on that dress today, you looked gorgeous.  But you don’t need that, I understand.  You have that inner beauty.  But you know what?"
"What?"
"You’re just as beautiful on the outside.  If not more so."
I hugged him and listened to him laugh.
"I’ll be there at eight," I told him when I let go.  "Thanks for the dress.  And everything else."
He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.  "You’re welcome," he said placing the bags inside the door.  "See you later.  Say hi to Laura."
"Okay.  Bye."
"Bye."
Laura was sitting on the couch doing her toe nails when I walked in.  I dragged the bags over to the couch and sat next to her.
"Hey, watch it," she said, fixing the stray nail polish.
"Sorry."
She looked up at me.  "Well, what a big smile," she said with short laugh.
I think part of me was still on the porch feeling Nick’s soft kiss on my cheek.  "What?"  I asked.
"What a big smile.  Did you and Nick have a good time?  I see you bought out the mall."
I nodded.  "Yeah."
She put down the nail polish and turned her body to face me.  "So, what happened?  Did you guys kiss romantically in the sunset again?"
I looked at her.  "Huh?  No!  I haven’t kissed him again, yet."
She laughed, "Yet?"
"Well, I just don’t know, Laura.  He’s making dinner for me tonight.  By the way, what did you tell him about Garret?"
She tried to look innocent.  "Nothing.  What is there to say about boring, old Garret?"
"Did he really ask you?"
She nodded.  "With this big sad puppy dog look on his face.  He is very cute, and I don’t even like blondes."
"What did you say?"
"That’s he’s an old man," she said with a shrug.
"He’s 23."
"Maybe he is chronologically, Ellie.  Inside, he’s like fifty.  He’s just so boring.  What’s his day like?  Class, newspaper, karate, study, call you and in bed by nine, right?"
I never looked at it that way.  I admired the fact that Garret could do many things and put out his best effort in each.  It never bothered me that we didn’t spend a lot of time together.  It just ensured me that I wouldn’t end up falling in love with him.
"We spend lots of quality time together.  Besides, I’ve already dated too many guys that don’t take their lives seriously and party it away.  Just because Garret takes things seriously, it doesn’t mean he’s boring.  He takes me seriously, and I enjoy the time we do spend together," I said almost defensively.
She nodded.  "Yeah, well, you’re spending lots of serious time with young Nick.  All night, all day, dinner.  What is that all about?"
"We’re friends, just friends.  We enjoy hanging out and talking.  But he’s very naive, you know?  He seems to trust very easily."
"Maybe he just trusted you easily," she said.  "I don’t think he’s a fool.  He knows what he wants, and from the look on your face you’ve almost come around."
I raised my eyebrows at her.  "Me?" I laughed trying to conceal that just the mere thought of that made me giddy.  "No. He might have a crush on me because I’m older, I helped him when he needed it, but it’s nothing serious.  I mean, imagine, he’s famous.  He could have absolutely any girl in the world.  He probably already has.  I think he just sees me as someone he might like to end up with when he’s 26."
Laura laughed really hard though I didn’t think I had said anything funny.
"What?" I asked.
She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear.  "It’s the age difference that bothers you?  That’s it?"
"It’s six years," I said.  "He’d nineteen.  He just finished high school."
"And?"
"And.  I’m going to start teaching next year.  I can’t show up with my teenage boyfriend at PTA meetings."
Laura shook her head hard.  "You are such a liar, Elisa.  Such a liar.  You have never cared what anyone says about you or who you date.  When you dated that asshole Alex, and we all hated him, you ignored everyone.  When you changed your major, and everyone tried to talk you out of it, you didn’t listen.  When you and that idiot Daniel spent all that time together, and I told you that you were just treading water, you told me to go to hell.  Now, you are telling me that you are not giving this great guy a chance because of what some people who you might work with, who you haven’t even met yet, would say?" she shook her head again.  "I don’t buy it."
She was two years younger yet she seemed to have at least a decade of wisdom over me.  Laura was rarely wrong, and I often made costly mistakes.  If I was on the Price is Right and had to price the final prize package, I would definitely listen to her.
I dug out the bag with the dress and tossed it to her.
"He wants me to wear this tonight."
She pulled it out and put it on over her slender figure.  She was even smaller than me.
"Hmm, good taste, nice fabric.  I’m surprised you even agreed to it.  Wasn’t it just last year that you threw away all of those mini skirts?"
I tried not to laugh.  "It’s hard not to agree with him, Laura.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  Am I crazy?"
She gave me look.  "I think you’re a little blind, maybe confused, but crazy?  No.  Hey, nineteen is beyond the age of consent, right?"
I smacked her arm.  "I’m not sleeping with him.  I’m not even going to kiss him.  I’ve never been unfaithful to anyone.  Besides, I’m perfectly happy with Garret."
"Yeah," Laura said seriously.  "But Garret’s not here."
I sucked in air.  It was going to be a long night.
I didn’t know what to take to his house.  I knew that you don’t walk into a dinner empty handed.  I would have taken wine or desert, but that just seemed too seductive, so I ended up buying a bunch of fresh flowers.
I grabbed them and made my way up the walk to the spectacular house.  I was about to knock when I realized that he only had the screen door shut.  It was a cool desert night, so I guess he was letting the fresh air in.  The heavy wooden door was open letting out some delicious smells and the sound of Nick’s amazing voice.  I’d never heard him sing before.  Well, I’m sure that I had, but never knowing who he was, never attentively.  His voice was loud and strong full of sweetness and dripping with emotion.  I took a moment to listen but had a hard time making out each word.  Suddenly, I heard a loud clatter  and his easy laugh.
"Oh man," he said regretfully.
"Nick," I called through the door.  "Nick."
I saw him hurry to the door.  "Hey, you’re right on time," he greeted as I walked in.
"These are for you," I told him handing him the flowers.  "Think of it as a cheap housewarming present.  By the way, you sing beautifully."
He smiled, eyes sparkling. "Thank you!  You heard me?  Uh-oh.  Man, I haven’t gotten flowers since," he stopped.  "Umm, let me see you.  You look amazing."
So did he.  He was wearing dark slacks and a crisp white shirt.  He smelled of cologne, shampoo and soap.  His hair was gelled neatly into place away from his eyes.
"So, do you," I told him.  "But you always do."
He shook his head and grabbed my arm.  "Come on.  Let’s go to the kitchen.  Dinner’s not quite ready, and I have to keep and eye on it, so just sit and talk to me, please?"
"Let me help you with something," I offered.
"No," he said immediately.  "This is my thing, let met do it."
I sat on a high bar stool in the kitchen as he checked pans and pots then started working on a salad.  I wanted to laugh just watching him.  He took it so seriously.  Then I remembered how he hated being underestimated, that he wanted to prove that he could do things.
I sighed and looked around.  "Do you cook often?"
"Not really," he said with a shrug,  "Since it’s just me, I usually grab fast food or buy TV dinners.  It’s easier.  I learned to cook though because fast food makes you really fat, and the last thing I need is to gain any more weight."
"But you’re not fat."
He snorted, "Not any more, or not as much.  I joined a gym as soon as I got here and worked like crazy to stop eating junk.  I could eat whatever I wanted when I was growing up because I grew so quickly.  Last year, and I guess it was all the problems I was dealing with,  I was always eating.  It was easier to eat than to deal with what was going on.  Besides, going out for food always gave me an excuse just to get out," he looked up at me from the cutting board. "I think that day in Cruces I told the guys I was going out for a burger."
"And you didn’t come back until late the next day."
He chuckled to himself.  "That was some burger."
He wiped his hands and joined me on another stool.
"Thanks for coming.  I wasn’t sure you’d accept my invitation," he said.
"How could I not?  Everything smells so good, and you went and bought me this dress. Laura says you have really good taste."
"Thanks," he said looking at me.  "I think I do."
There was that unfamiliar silence again.  It seemed to happen when we were alone without any distractions.
He looked around and smiled.  "Are you okay?  Is it hot or cold in here?"
"It’s fine," I said and began to look around myself.  I had to find something we could talk about.  Just then, the timer went off.
"Okay," he said sounding relieved.  "Dinner’s ready.  Want to wash your hands?  You can go up to the bathroom if you want."
"Okay."
I took my time up there trying to figure out what I was doing.  It was like I was fighting a huge battle with myself.  To treat him like a man or like a friend.  Each time I saw him, I liked him more.  I felt myself retreating in his presence, though, afraid to open up anymore.  Every time I opened myself up to some guy, I ended up getting attached.  I guess attachment to Nick was already inevitable, but I wasn’t totally lost yet.
When I came down the stairs, he had turned on some soft music and dimmed the lights somewhat.  There were candles on the table giving everything a soft glow.
He was coming out of the kitchen with the flowers I had brought in a vase.
"There," he said placing them at the center of the table.  "Let’s sit."
He pulled out the chair for me and took the one in front of me.  He busied himself serving water, salad and passing out rolls.  I found myself watching him once again intrigued by how serious he was about everything and confused by what kept me glued to his side when I knew damn well I had no business with him.
He set the plate full of salad in front of me. "I hope you like it," he said.
I stopped his hand.  "Thanks for all of this," I told him.  "Everything is wonderful.  The candles are beautiful.  I know you feel like you owe me, but you don’t.  That weekend meant a lot to me too.  If anything I should feel indebted to you."
He shook his head.  "It’s not a debt, Elisa."
He went back to checking that everything was perfect, which it was.
I had already begun to eat.
"You really never heard me sing before?" he asked.
"I must have," I said.  "You have an amazing voice."
He smiled, "Thank you.  But a lot of good it does me now."
"Three years will go right by.  You might have already finished college by then.  Garret took two years off for peace corps before he started college.  He finished his degree in three years, and now he’s already getting a great job that guys years older than him could never aspire to. What if you like engineering better than performing?"
He widened his eyes at me.  "What?  No.  I’m studying computer engineering because I enjoy working with computers but not because I plan to do anything with the degree.  I’d like to finish, so I can say that I accomplished something with this time. But let me tell you, as soon as these three years are up, I’m going back to singing.  I’m tired of singing to my own reflection and having people stare at me like I’m crazy when I belt out tunes in the truck."  He shook his head.  "I don’t want to do anything else but sing.  And I think doing it on my own will be much better.  Everything will be on my own terms then.  Even when I was in the group, when I got my solo, I was so happy.  I would sing my heart out, as hard as I could.  And when the guys were around, sometimes, I just forgot about them.  It was like I was all alone.  Don’t you get caught up in what you enjoy?"
I nodded.  "Yeah.  I know what you mean.  I’ve been doing my student teaching, and sometimes, I lose track of time just working with the kids.  We get started on something and don’t stop until it’s done."
"Kids.  Wow.  I must take a lot of patience to work with kids."
"It just takes commitment, like anything else.  You know you have something they need to learn.  You present it the best way for them to grasp it and work from there," I told him.  "It’s great.  It’s actually the first time I feel like what I’m doing is worthwhile.  To see those faces smiling up at me when they understand, is amazing.  And they give so  much love, so easily."
He was watching me speak, no longer eating.
"You’re going to be a great teacher because you care so much," he said.  "More than anything, I think kids need people who care about them."
I nodded.  "I agree.  Kids don’t grow up with two parents anymore.  They get one if they’re lucky and the TV set."
"True," he said.
The silence took over again.  We finished up our salads hardly even looking at each other any more.  He ended up serving both of us huge plates of spaghetti.
"It’s what I know how to cook best," he announced.
"Lucky me, it’s my favorite meal."
"Really?"
"Really."
He licked some stray sauce off his thumb.  I tried not to watch his mouth too much.  It was what had gotten me in trouble last time.
"Guess you and Garret go out to lots of spaghetti dinners, huh?" he asked.
"We try," I said.  "Usually, we go hang out at the bookstore and drink coffee or sit at my house and talk.  Garret’s involved in a lot of different stuff.  The newspaper, karate, he’s a Big Brother.  We don’t  get to see each other every day."
He sat up, "So, can I ask you a kind of personal question?"
I just nodded.
"When we were together, last year, you said that dating was a waste of time.  What was it about Garret that changed your mind?"
I wiped my mouth.  "Hey, this is really good, honey."
"Don’t change the subject."
"I’m not," I said.  "I just don’t think I have a good answer for that question.  Garret is a really great guy, and you have to understand, I’m not used to dating great guys.  I was always that stupid girl that liked guys for their faults and not their virtues.  When I was writing for the paper, Garret and I were always friends, I guess, but I didn’t think he was interested in me.  He was nice to me and talked to me a lot.  When I stopped writing, to focus on my education classes, I seemed to always be bumping into him.  I’d see him at the library, the bookstore, the education building.  He’d make small talk with me, then ask me to join him for lunch or coffee or a soda, whatever.  And I liked him.  He was easy to talk to and fun to be with.  I thought, ‘Well, at least I made a friend.’  But one day he just asked me out to dinner.  He told me flat out that he was interested in me as more than a friend.  I just went along with it, Nick," I said.  "I was tired of being alone and watching Laura date all of these great guys.  I figured I’d just have someone to go to the movies with, hang out with or just have a real conversation with."
He nodded.  "And?"
"And that’s it.  I really like him, but he’s leaving.  I’ve known that all along.  He’s a talented writer and has no business staying here with me.  I was pretty mad when he got the job offer, but I guess I was just being selfish."
"You told me love wasn’t selfish," he said.
"Then, it wasn’t love, right?"
He just looked at me.  "Then, you’re telling me that if it were love, you’d be happy for him?"
I shook my head.  "If it were love, I’d be willing to move to Dallas just to be with him."
His eyes widened. "And you’re not?"
"No.  I don’t want to move to Dallas.  I have a pretty good chance of getting a position at the school where I’m doing my student teaching.  I want to start in a familiar situation, in my hometown, where I know the kids."
"Where it’s safe?" he said.
I nodded.
He sucked in air.  "Wow.  I’m surprised to hear you say that."
"Why?"
"Because it sounds like you’re afraid to take a chance.  To risk what you have for the unknown.  What if Garret is the one?  What if your dream job is in Dallas?"
"If that were true I wouldn’t have doubts."
"I think you have doubts because you’re afraid," he said softly.
I looked at him.  I never enjoyed being called on my faults.  I already knew them quite well.
"You know, Nick," I began.  "I don’t think there’s anything wrong with safety.  I’ve already made enough mistakes for the sake of someone’s happiness and my own insecurities."
"Well, it’s going to keep you here," he said. "And don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed my time here.  But after seeing the world, which I have, I can tell you there’s a whole lot more out there than this town has to offer.  And it’s going to keep you alone.  I thought you were tired of being alone."
"I am."
"And you’re going to wait for that perfect El Paso guy, who has lived here all his life, has a good job here, is a nice guy, isn’t selfish and likes you for you and not because you’re beautiful."
"Don’t make fun of me."
He smirked.  "Elisa, I’m not.  I’m just finally understanding why you’re always rejecting me, and men, and things that are probably good for you."
"Because I’m afraid?"
He half shrugged. "Well, you said it.  Just think about it.  You know I’m younger.  I come from, and plan to go back to, a totally different world than this.  I’ve seen and lived more than you have.  It’s no wonder you’re hesitant.  What I have to offer is so different from anything you already know.  I guess the unknown makes anyone nervous."
I was glaring at him.  That was the cockiest thing I had ever heard come out of mouth.  He had said it with his familiar pleasant smile.
"You think I won’t get involved romantically with you because I’m afraid?" I asked putting my fork down.
He didn’t answer for a second, then he said, "Well, I don’t think you’re as afraid as you are jaded.  Sometimes, you sound like you’ve stopped believing love even exists.  And it does, you know?  It has to."
We watched each other then.  I was on the verge of being very angry with him, and as usual, I was fighting to hold back.
"I don’t doubt that it does, Nick," I said.  "It’s just been my experience that--."
"That’s the past," he said.  "You always talk in past tense.  Sometimes I wonder what is in your past that has made you so," he stopped searching for a word.
"Bitter?" I finished for him.
He bit his lip.  "Well, yeah."
I wiped my mouth then pushed my hair off my shoulder.  "You know, you don’t even know what you’re talking about, now.  My past experiences," I stopped. "Never mind."
He sat up, "What?  I mean, c’mon.  We’ve come this far.  I’d like to know what you were going to say.  I mean, me?  I thrive on the risk.  If I hadn’t ended up leaving that day in Cruces and trusting some guys who just got me drunk and dumped in a gay bar, I never would have met you.  If I never would have gotten up and left the safety of my singing career to keep my sanity and peace of mind," he stopped.  "Then, I don’t even know where I’d be.  What on Earth could have happened to you that makes you hold back so much?"
I was silent unable to find the words that could explain the knots in my stomach.  How could he?  He just continued eating and watching me squirm, not saying a word.
He finally put his fork down.  "Well, I’d like to know," he said.
"You know," I said, finally.  "You could have just asked.  You didn’t have to make judgments on me and my decisions."
"I didn’t mean--," he began.
"But," I said sitting up.  "If you want to know what got me this fucked up, let me tell you.  Because at one point in my life, I was sunny and cute, too.  I thought love was the greatest thing in the world, and more than anything I wanted to be in love.  When 18, met this guy named Alex.  He was the love of my life. I did all that mushy love crap. I baked him cookies,  gushed over the pictures of us together and planned romantic dinners.  I shared absolutely everything with him.  He was my first at many things," I said looking down at my still-full steaming plate.  "He was my first everything.  It was a great time, until one year into the relationship, he took me out to dinner.  On the way home, he started talking about how we were so young and our relationship was so serious.  And, then he said that he wanted to see other people.  I was in love, Nick.  I wasn’t jaded or bitter.  I thought he was everything," I shook my head remembering.  "I cried all the way home, and he didn’t even walk me to the door.
"I was okay, at first," I continued.  "I started dating right away just to get over him.  But it wasn’t long before I heard that Alex was dating someone else.  And they, weren’t just dating, they were together, in a serious relationship.  So, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be in a serious relationship.  It was that he didn’t want to be in a serious relationship with me.
"I went on this horrible downward spiral.  For two years, I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing.  I went from dating to just stupidly trying to find a warm body.  When I’d go out to bars in Juarez, I’d pick up on any guy that looked my way, just so I wouldn’t be alone.  The last thing I wanted was to be alone.  And believe me, I met many men in those bars who were looking for a stupid girl just like me,"  I stopped then and took a deep breath to stop my throat from closing.
Nick reached over to take my hand, but I pulled it away.
"I did a lot of crazy things.  I dressed practically like a prostitute and hardly ever went home," I continued.  "My mother was sick, and I wasn’t even there for her.  I just wanted to be away in a club with some guy, who would tell me that I was beautiful and hold me close.  But it only lasted a night or two."
I rubbed my face trying to settle the hot feeling in my stomach and throat.
"One time, I picked up on Daniel.  We danced a couple of songs, but immediately started to get all over each other.  We were both so drunk that we had no idea what was going on.  I remember being in his truck, half-naked thinking how this crap never stopped.  And suddenly, I just started crying.  I cried and cried.  And he had no idea what was going on."
He was watching me, elbow on table, chin in the heel of his palm.
 He closed his eyes.
"We started talking.  I remember telling him pretty much everything that I’m telling you now.  He had just broken up with his fiancee, so he was lonely too.  We were both miserable."
Nick’s breath escaped him.  "I’m sorry," he whispered.
I shook my head.  "Don’t be.  I don’t need you to be sorry."
The silence filled the room again.  One of the candles flickered as it dripped wax.
"And that’s when we became friends.  We never told anyone about what happened that night.  And it was great while it lasted, but eventually, I lost control again and fucked everything up.   So if now I think twice or three times or forty times before doing anything, Nick, it’s because I need to be sure.  I am not going to go back to being that stupid girl that loses everything."
I met his eyes for a second then looked away.  Silence.
"And on that note," I said pushing away from the table.  "I’m back here with somebody who says he’s my friend, wearing this one-night-stand dress, in a candle lit house with soft music playing?  I guess I haven’t exactly learned my lesson, huh?"  I stood up.
I hurried to kitchen to get my bag.  When I stepped out, he was sitting at the table with his head in his hands.  I hesitated dealing with that part of me that wanted to reach to him.  Instead, I just walked out the door.
I was in tears by the time I had driven down the street.  I fought hard to control myself, not having really cried since the last time I had seen Nick.  I couldn’t believe that I ended up explaining myself to him like that.  I was angry for not standing up to him.  It was typical of me.
I didn’t want to go home.  I’d have to explain everything to Laura then and wasn’t sure how to do it.  Instead, I got on the freeway and headed to Grahams. Suddenly, all I wanted was to be in a dark place.
Since it was already nine thirty, the place was relatively full.  As soon as I walked in through the country bar, I was struck by the need to be intoxicated.  Everyone else was.  The entire place reeked of beer and cigarettes.
I hurried to the bar and ordered a Zima and a tequila shot.
The bartender smiled, "Sure baby."
I surveyed the crowd.  Same people who used to come when Daniel and I hung out.  Things never changed.  Men in cowboy hats and Wranglers ran around after girls dressed much worse than even I used to.
He put down my shot and my bottle.  I paid and moved away from the bar.  I licked the salt, drank the shot and sucked the lime.  The gold liquid instantly warmed my stomach.  It had been a long time since I’d had tequila.  My system seemed to have missed it.
I took my bottle, went to check myself in the bathroom and bought some cigarettes.
Then, I was ready.
Strangely and pathetically enough I felt like I was home.  I caught my breath and looked around.  Plenty of men.  Some of them were already looking my way.  I tried to smile, but ended up just looking down.
"Well, well, if isn’t Ellie Vasquez?"
I looked to find Johnny, my friend the door man.
I hugged him.  "Hi Johnny.  What’s new?  Are you working?"
He shook his head.  "Not tonight.  I decided to come clubbing just like everyone else instead of standing out at the door all night.  You’re looking pretty."
"Thanks," I said finishing up my Zima.
"Want another beer?"
I nodded, and he called over the waitress.  The shot was already taking effect in my system.  I felt my feet lighter, everything had a happy glow to it.
"Here’s to finally having time to hang out," he said handing me the drink.
We tipped out bottles and I chugged down a good amount.
Johnny laughed. "You’re out for some drinking today?"
"It’s been a long day," I said.  "I deserve a break."
"Then let’s drink up."
He touched his bottle with mine once more and chugged his beer.  I guzzled mine down as well.  Finally, I was able to smile.
"Are you going to dance with me, Johnny?" I asked.
He pulled my arm. "Let’s go."
There were playing some Latin dance music.  Everyone shook their hips to the happy beat.  I joined them shaking my hips even harder than they did.  I loved dancing.  I could dance all night.  I closed my eyes and let the music go right through me.  It was so loud that it shut out every thought in my head.
I felt a hand at my back as Johnny pulled me closer to him.  I opened my eyes and pulled away.  Then, stupidly, I drank the last of my Zima and moved closer to him on my own.
He put his hands on my hips and swayed along with me.  I felt his beer breath in my face and hair but didn’t move away.
"Let’s get more beer," I told him.
There was more than one beer after that.  It wasn’t long before I was feeling lost and holding on to Johnny for balance more than for any attraction I felt toward him.  I was overcome by an urge to see Nick.  I wanted to hold his hands and hide in his arms.  He always made things better, and I all wanted was to feel better.
"Are we going to keep dancing?" Johnny asked.
I smiled looking at him.  He was here, holding me close.  He wanted me.
"Of course I want to keep dancing.  You want to go now?" I said trying to shake my thoughts of Nick.
He shook his head.  "I want to kiss you now."
His face was sweaty and he smelled of stale beer.  But he was here.
I brushed my lips with his, and he pulled me closer.  Instead, I moved away and pulled his arm.
"Let’s go dance," I said.
He half laughed and just followed me back to the dance floor.
While we danced, I let him touch my hips and waist.  His eyes were squarely focused on my breasts.  I had a moment of lucidity and moved slightly away.
There was a tall, blond head moving through crowd craning his neck to the dance floor.
I moved closer to Johnny and he wrapped his arms around my waist.
I closed my eyes again and tried to focus on the music.
Something warm and wet was at my neck.  Instantly, I moved away but saw Johnny’s mouth reaching for me.
He smiled and pulled me back.  "Come on, Ellie."
I glanced around, but Nick was nowhere in sight.  I tried to convince myself that he wasn’t even there.  Why would he even bother to come look for me?
I’m not sure how we ended up kissing.  I just know that his mouth was all over mine.  At first, I struggled up for air, then just gave in to the inevitable.  I was never going to change.  Suddenly, I started imagining that he was Nick.  It didn’t bother me then, to have his arms around me tightly and his tongue in my mouth.  When I opened my eyes, I wanted to see his rosy skin and electric blue eyes.  I wanted to hear his soft laugh and him saying something silly.
When the music slowed down, and I did open my eyes, I got a good dose of reality.  Johnny’s hands were reaching down too far.
I pulled away.  "I have to go to the bathroom."
"I’ll walk you," he said.
I looked horrible already.  My hair was sweaty and messy, and my lipstick was practically gone.  I pulled my dress up to adjust it and did what I could to fix my face.  I no longer wanted to even face Johnny.  I sat down on a bench and pulled out a cigarette.  The nicotine sped up my buzz, and I felt dizzy.  Drinking shots and beer used to be easy.  Now, I just felt lost and confused.  A voice I never heard before within me kept telling me that I was going down the stupidity path again.  I didn’t want to listen, but it wouldn’t stop.
Finally, I pulled myself back together and headed back out.  From the doorway, I could see Johnny standing against the wall watching the girls go by.  I took a drag from my cigarette and stepped out.
"What are you doing?" I heard a voice immediately.  The cigarette was pulled out of my hand and stomped out.  It was Nick.
"What do you want?" I asked and tried to get around him without waiting for the answer even though my heart had fluttered just at the sight of him.
He took my arm.
"I want to talk.  I wanted to apologize for being such a jerk to you.  But now, I want to shake you really hard so that you stop right now and think about what you’re doing," he said.  "What are you doing?"
I looked up at him.  His face was serious, his brows knotted with worry.
"What are you doing?" he whispered leaning closer to me.
I pulled my arm away from him.  "What do you care?  This is my shit, my mess.  I don’t need any more judgment from you.  Why does it matter anyway?  You’re here for what?  Three years, maybe, unless you get bored or restless again.  You’re going to sample the local girls and walk away just everyone else.  You’re going back to that world that I know nothing about, right?  Why does it even matter to you?"
His face crumpled.  I thought he’d cry.
"It matters to me," he said.  "I wouldn’t be here if it didn’t matter, if you didn’t matter.  I hate to see you like this.  You’re drunk, and you were kissing that guy.  Why are you doing that?"
"Because I want to."
He shook his head.  "No, no you don’t.  I know you don’t.  You just told me that.  You’re tired of being that girl."
I took a step back only to lose my balance.  He caught my arm.
"Elisa," he pleaded.  "Just stop, please."
I blinked at the flashing lights.  Things were spinning fast.
"Let me take you out of here," he said.  "Come on."
I glanced back at Johnny.  He was talking to girl in very short shorts.
I took hold of Nick’s arm.
He held on to my waist and pulled me through the crowd.  I just saw faces blur in front of me.  When we finally stepped out, it felt good to breathe fresh air.  My muddled brain slowly began to clear up.  I held on to Nick’s hand as we walked quickly and silently through the parking lot to the Durango.
He opened the door for me and helped me up through the driver’s side.
"Are you okay?" he asked as he climbed in after me.
I nodded.
"Put on your seat belt," he said.
I didn’t move and just watched him.  He was so beautiful.  I think there would be no other way to describe him.
No one had ever bothered to help me stop doing stupid things. I wasn’t sure what to think.
"Elisa," he said leaning over to help me with the seat belt.
"I was pretending it was you," I said flatly.
"What?"
"When I kissed Johnny.  I was pretending it was you," I said more softly than I meant to.
He sat back and looked at me.  He rubbed his face and ran his hands through his hair.  He looked confused and flustered.  He looked from me to the steering wheel then back to me.  It was as if he were weighing something in his mind.
"Oh God," he said breathlessly, then he simply started the engine and drove toward my house.  I leaned my head on the cool glass window.  Everything spun slowly still.
Well at least I had been honest, for once.  At least I had told him what was really going through my mind.  I held back so many times that it had become second nature.  But his silence confused me.  All this time, and attention he had devoted to me to just ignore my comment didn’t make sense.  Then I realized I probably smelled like liquor, sweat and Johnny, and he didn’t want to be anywhere near me.  I closed my eyes.
The Durango came to a stop in front of my house.  I sat up and started to get out without even looking at him.
"Let me walk you," I heard him say, but I didn’t stop.
He caught up with me on the walkway.  The porch light wasn’t even on, so I was having a hard time finding my keys.  Nick took my bag from my hand and dug them out.
"Here I got them," he said pulling out the keys.  "Is it okay if I come in?  I’d like to talk to you."
I shook my head.  "Let’s talk tomorrow.  Thanks for bringing me home."
I saw him bite his lip in the moonlight still looking confused.  I took a step closer to the house, expecting for him to give me the keys and head back to his truck.
"Hi Ellie," I heard.
I turned, and Nick appeared at my side.  Garret was sitting on the step watching us.  My hand automatically went up to my mouth.
"Garret," I finally managed to say.  "You’re home."
"Shit," Nick said under his breath and took one step back.
Garret stood up.  "Well, I’m glad to see that you’re okay.  I called about five times today and just got your machine.  I was worried that something had happened to you," he half laughed.  "I even took an early flight back here to make sure that you were all right.  I thought maybe the house had burned down.  But I guess not.  Did you have a good time while I was gone?"
"Garret," I began but he cut me off.
"No, really, did you?" he asked.
I didn’t answer.
He walked up to me and took a good look at Nick.  Nick raised his head and squared his shoulders.
"This is Nick," I said.  "He was just driving me home."
"Oh, how nice of Nick.  From where?" Garret asked feigning a pleasant tone.
"Grahams," I answered automatically.  I was tired of lying.
"Grahams," he repeated nodding then sniffed me.  "And I guess you’ve been drinking and smoking since you needed a ride home.  You can take the girl out of the bar, but you can’t take the bar out of the girl, right?  Where’s your lipstick?"  He looked at Nick’s face then back to me.  "I like that dress, by the way.  Where did you get?  Sluts are us?"
Nick took a step forward.  "Hey, don’t--."
I stepped in front of him.
"Shut up," Garret snapped at him.  "You’re what?  Fifteen?  Damn Ellie, hope you don’t get arrested.  And you, congratulations picking up on an older chick.  Is it your first time? She’ll be gentle.  Right, Ellie?"
Nick struggled slightly against my waist, but I stood my ground.  Garret was going to do this alone.
"Good thing I got that job in Dallas.  I’ll be glad when I get the hell out of here."
"Are you finished?" I asked him.
He nodded.  "Yes Ellie, I’m finished.  We’re fucking finished.  I don’t even know how the hell I got involved with you.  I ignored what everyone said about you and wanted to think you were a decent girl.  What I fool I am."
"Yes you are," I told him. "You’re a fool, now go home."
"Go home?"
"Yes! Go home!" I heard myself yell.  "Get the fuck away from me, and get the fuck away from my house!  How dare you talk to me like that?  Who do you think you are?"
"I’m your boyfriend," he said.  "I thought I was your boyfriend.  Then I get here and find you running around with some little dick."
Nick tensed up behind me again, I felt him try to pull me back.  I pushed my weight harder against his.
"What the hell else do you expect?  For me to sit here and wait for you to come back every weekend after you moved to Dallas?" I asked.  "You’re gone Garret.  You’ve always wanted to be gone.  I don’t even know why the hell you ever wanted me.  Go to Dallas.  I hope you have a great life.  I’m sorry this is the last memory you’re going to have of me because I wasn’t unfaithful to you with Nick.  He was just bringing me home.  I know at least that he’s here for me, that I can count on him.  He gives a damn about me."
Garret eyed him then me.  He half laughed then shook his head.
"What a bunch of bullshit--."
"Go home," I said cutting him off.  "Just go. Don’t ever come back here."
Garret shook his head and started toward his car.  Nick pulled me into the house and slammed the door shut right behind him.
My heart was pounding in my ears.
"I can’t believe he said that to me," I said.  "I can’t...," I stopped to deal with the tears that were forming in the pit of my stomach and forcing their  way up.
Nick touched my hair and pulled me to his chest. "Don’t.  Don’t cry.  That guy doesn’t even know you.  Please don’t cry."
But I couldn’t stop.  Once I started all I could do was weep.  At one point, Garret had been my lame attempt at a last ditch effort.  And even he thought I was shit.
Nick pulled me to the couch so I could sit down.  I buried my face in my hands to deal with my tears.   My breath came in short gasps.  I felt Nick rubbing my back.
"It’s okay," he was saying.  "Everything is okay.  He doesn’t know who you are.  He doesn’t even know."
"What have I done?  What have I done?" was all I could manage to think and say.  Here I was again doing something stupid that would cost me big.
I felt Nick’s hand in my hair.
"Nothing," he said. "You’ve done nothing wrong.  It’s not you, Elisa.  When are you going to understand that?  It’s not you."
"Then what?" I cried.  "I just have really bad luck?  How could I be so stupid?  What have I done?’
"He was a jerk to you.  I can’t believe he spoke to you that way.  And he would have done it sooner or later even if this had never happened."
"Oh God, what I have done?"
"Stop saying that," he said.  "It’s not you."
I struck me then there was still hope for him.  That I hadn’t fucked him over yet.
I pushed his hand off of me and tried to gain control.  "You’d better go," I told him not looking up at him.  "Just go home."
"What?  Why?  No.  I’m not leaving you alone.  You can’t be alone right now."
"I can’t be with you either," I said my voice rising beyond my control.  "Just go, Nick.  What the hell would you want with me anyway?  There are million girls out there for you.  I’m just stupid.  Go away."
I kept my head in my hands afraid to look at him.  I knew he’d be hurt, and my weakness for him was still too big.
He didn’t move.  His body remained close to mine, and I could hear him breathing softly.
"I don’t want to go," he said.  "I want to be here for you, with you.  You were there for me.  And I’ll be damned if I walk away letting you feel this confused.  If it takes me the rest of my life, you’re going to understand that there is nothing wrong with you. Maybe there’s something wrong with the men that you pick or why you pick them or  I don’t know.  But it’s not you," he sucked in air.  "Besides, I couldn’t leave now, if I wanted to."
I finally looked up at him through my watery eyes and messy hair.  "Why?  Why would you say that?"
He shrugged his eyes blurred with confusion and pain.  "I just care too much about you," he said softly.
I crawled up into his arms.  There was no place in the world like his embrace.  It made everything else go away.
"I’m here," he said.  "I’m not going anywhere.  I’m here."
I closed my eyes but didn’t sleep that night.  I felt Nick drop off about an hour later, but it wasn’t a restful sleep.  Occasionally, he would mumble something or jerk out of his sleep.  He’d wake up, and I’d feel him check on me, move my hair out of my face or hold me a little tighter.  I’d pretend to be asleep just so he’d fall back to sleep and get some rest.  He would shift us around gently to try to get comfortable then drop off again.
I had a lot of time to think about everything that had happened.  Losing Garret was not the toughest thing in the world.  I knew that I didn’t love him.  But just the thought that I could return to my old ways scared me to death.  If Nick hadn’t been there, God only knows what I would have done.  What if I had brought Johnny home and Garret was here?  What if I had crashed into someone driving home?  It was a life that I thought I had left behind.
I tried to look up at Nick in the moonlight.  All I could see was his was the soft light caressing his cheek.  He looked like an angel.  When I was little girl, I used to dream of falling in love with someone this beautiful.  After some hard lessons, I learned how little looks were worth.  But what I saw in Nick’s interior matched his exterior exactly.  As I got older, I dreamed of falling in love with somebody as sweet, sincere and straight forward as he was.  I had given up the notion that he even existed.  But he was here and didn’t seem to want to let go.  Why had he even followed me to Grahams?  Why didn’t he leave well enough alone?
I ended up leaving him asleep on the couch at around five in the morning. I dug out the pillow and blanket I had give him the first time he spent the night on that couch.  Once again, he curled himself up against the pillow and tried to fit his tall frame into the couch.
I ended up asleep on my bed sometime around sunrise.
 
 

It was the sound of his laughter that woke me up around noon the next day.  I could hear him and Laura talking and laughing heartily about something.  I looked around myself.  My hair smelled of cigarettes, and my feet ached from the shoes I had worn the night before.  It hadn’t been a dream.
I showered and changed before joining them.  I looked awful.  There were dark circles under my swollen eyes.  I was pale probably because of all the alcohol I had ingested.  I rubbed my cheeks trying to get some color into them.  It had been a long time since I had seen the face of regret in my mirror, but here it was again.
They were watching exhibition football game that was taking place in Europe.  The Dolphins were playing the Packers.
"Hey!" Nick greeted from the couch putting his hand out to me as soon as he saw me.  "How are you?"
I grabbed his hand and leaned down to kiss his cheek.  "I’m okay.  Sorry I slept so late.  What are you guys up to?"
"Nothing," Laura said with a shrug.  "He’s losing money to me."
"Sh--," he began.  "Be quiet!  Are you hungry?" he asked.
I nodded and let go of him to head for the kitchen. "Yeah,  a little."
I heard his footsteps behind me as I made toast.
"Did you eat?" I asked him.
"Your sister made me breakfast.  Are you really okay?  Did you sleep?"
I nodded.  "Some.  I’m fine.  Thanks, though.  Thanks for staying.  Thanks for going to find me.  Thanks for being there.  I don’t even know why you did.  I don’t deserve you."
He smiled and shrugged. "I just couldn’t leave you, and yes you do."
I looked at him.  There was no sign of the stressful night on his face.  He looked rested, his skin scrubbed to a rosy color.
"We need to talk," I told him knowing I had to face my feelings for him. "But not right now, honey."
He nodded.  "It’s okay.  We can go out and finally have that dinner tonight.  What do you say?  Wear whatever you like."
"That sounds good."
He touched my hair and I followed his hand until he pulled me into his chest.
I felt him kiss the top of my head.  I don’t know how, but he still managed to smell good.
"We’ve been back together just over 24 hours and look at how crazy things have turned out.  I’m sorry," I said without moving away from him.
"I think they’ve turned out okay up to now.  I got the girl."
I wrapped my arms around his middle reminding myself not to hold back anymore.
"Did you tell Laura about last night?" I asked from his chest.
"Uh-uh, but I think she knows something’s up.  I’m pretty sure she heard."
I let go.  "I’ll tell her later."
"Okay.  Listen, I need to go shower and change, so I’m going home.  Besides, I have a chapter to read for history that I haven’t even started.  Why don’t I call you, so we can go out?" he asked.
"Sure, honey.  I think that would be great."
We watched each other for a second.  He looked away first.
"Okay.  Then, I’ll call you," he said.
I nodded.
Still nobody moved.
"Umm, then I’d better go.  Eat your breakfast," he said.  "Or is it lunch?"
"Brunch, I think. Bye, honey."
He just looked at me and didn’t budge.  I finally grabbed on to his waist and hugged him to me as tightly as I could. He held on for a really long time, then he kissed the top of my head again.
"I’d better go," he said.  "We’ll talk tonight, right?"
"Right.  Tonight."
"Bye."
I smiled tiredly at him.  "Bye."
 
 

My sister didn’t say much, except that she was happy that I was giving Nick a chance.  Well, that was a mouthful.  I wasn’t actually giving him a chance as much as giving us a chance to have something.  I knew better than to jump in head first with him.  Just because he was kind, gentle and sweet didn’t mean he was ready for a relationship.  And I obviously was far being perfect girlfriend material.
I explained all of that to him over dinner at a neighborhood Mexican restaurant.
"I understand," he said.  "It makes sense to take things slow, for the both of us."
We were sitting next to each other in a booth.  He was wearing khakis and a dark blue plaid shirt.  I was wearing jeans and a white blouse.  I’d worn my hair up in a pony tail and had kept the makeup simple.  We were both the antithesis of the night before.
"I really like you," I told him openly looking him in the eye. "I mean, I didn’t even think someone like you even existed.  But you do, and I’m a very lucky girl." I half laughed.  "I feel like a lucky girl who didn’t get killed the war but came home seriously wounded.  So, it’s going to take me a while to heal."
He smiled at me.  "Well,  I was considering medical school.  War wounds would have been my specialty," he chuckled and shook his head.  "I really like you too, Elisa.  You’re a great person.  I just don’t know why you don’t seem to understand that about yourself.  Last year, that’s all you could tell me.  To believe in myself.  That my personality would carry me through the hard times.  And it has.  You gave me the advice and never seem to have taken it yourself.’
I shook my head. "It’s different with me, Nick. I’ve been taught the same lesson over and over, and every time I’m tested, I fail.  I know better than do to get drunk and do crazy things.  It seems like I just always forget."
"Do you believe in God?" he asked.
"Sure.  I mean, I’m not the most religious person in the world, but I know He’s out there."
He sat up. "Well, in the group, I did have a friend in Brian for awhile.  He’s a great guy, and he’s very religious.  I think that’s why even though we were friends, I never fully related to him.
‘Cause I’m not.  But he was always saying that you have to give up control to God.  He had to make all of the choices for you.  I thought that was crazy.  God never spoke down to me and said, ‘Nick, get out of the Backstreet Boys or you’ll go nuts.’  But, I made a stupid choice that day in Cruces and took off with some guys who were just out to make me look bad, but instead I met you.  So, now that I look at things, reevaluate them, I sort of understand what he means."
I was confused.  "Explain this to me.  I don’t get it."
"Well, God never told me to leave, but he put you in my path, and he gave me mom who made sure I had an out of the group.  He never told you to do crazy things when you were younger, but when you were in a lot of trouble, he put Daniel in your path.  Those are the decisions He’s making for us.  We think they’re mistakes, but in all of the mistakes we’ve both made, there’s always something positive.  Even last night, when Garret showed up early, don’t you think God wanted you to see what a jerk he could really be?  I mean, any other guy didn’t have to say the things he said to you.  He could have just walked away or have wanted to kick my ass.  But insult you?  That just showed who he really was."
All I could do was watch him.  He made so much sense that I was speechless again.
"And here we are two people who have very similar and limited experiences," he said.
I had to laugh.  "Nick, my experiences are anything but limited."
He gave me a serious look.  "The real ones, Elisa.  The ones that count.  I’ve been too busy running around the world to have a serious relationship or even have the chance to open up to a girl.  I don’t know what’s it’s like to really be in love even though I thought I had been.  You haven’t had the best experiences with men.  They’ve always let you down, so then you let yourself down.  I don’t think any of that has been real love, either.  So, doesn’t that put us on a pretty even playing field, even though I’m younger than you?"
I nodded in agreement.
He took my hand into his.  "Then, we have a chance.  A real chance?  Right?"
His eyes went right through me. The seriousness in his face seemed to convey everything I was feeling:  happiness, nervousness, fear, anticipation.
"Right," I said.  "I’m willing to try."
"Try.  That’s all we can do," he said and leaned over to kiss me.  It was the first time we had kissed since Las Cruces.  I was so nervous that it was hard to do it naturally.  But I tried.
We were interrupted by someone who was passing a book in our direction.
"Kareoke?"  the waitress asked hopefully.
Nick took the book happily.  "Kareoke.  This ought to be fun."
"Oh Nick," I began.
"What?  Don’t you want to hear me sing?  I’ll sing to you.  Pick a song," he said holding the book out to me. "Just not a Backstreet Boys’ song.  You’ll give me away," he said softly.
Someone else was singing by that time.  They were awful, but Nick was nicer than me.  He actually clapped for them.
"This one," I said pointing to "Try Me" by James Brown.  "My dad used to play it for my mom all of the time.  Do you know it?"
He laughed.  "Do I know James Brown?  I used to sing some of his songs at...  Never mind.  I know this song.  I heard it on a movie once," he stood up.  "’Try’ me, that’s a good title.  It seems to be the theme of the evening," he said smiling at me.  "Hang on."
It was a good thing that I was a distance from the stage.  Otherwise, I might have dragged him off, so that I didn’t have to share him with anyone else.  He looked phenomenal singing the easy ballad.  The song is about giving someone a chance, but the other person isn’t really sure.  Nick belted it out loudly with the strength of his voice in full force.  The people in the restaurant were shocked by his talent and clapped loudly a few times during the song.  He ended up walking through the restaurant and standing in front of me holding my hand at the end of the song.  The tears easily welled up in my eyes just watching him extend his love, his life to me.
I stood up, and he pulled me to kiss him.  Everyone clapped and he laughed in the middle of the kiss.
"Oh man," he said.  "That was fun."
I hid my face in chest hoping to lose the unwanted attention.  He was uttering thank yous left and right.
"You’re shy," he said as we sat back down.  "I’m not shy.  You’re going to have to get used to that, or I’m going to embarrass you a lot."
I had to wipe my eyes and clear my throat.  "You could never embarrass me.  Thank you, Nick.  That was the sweetest thing any one has ever done for me."
He smiled.  "It was nothing.  Believe it or not, I never pass on kareoke.  It’s like cheating.  I get to stand up there, sing, listen to people clap.  Lots of good memories, none of the baggage.  That was a good song.  It fits us, don’t you think?"
I just nodded.  "Yup.  We said we’d try."
 
 
 

It wasn’t that easy to try.  We spent our first three weeks together playing phone tag since our schedules were as compatible as mine had been with Garret.  Between school and the volunteer work that he did, my student teaching and evening classes, we had weekends a maybe one night a week to see each other.  We made the best of it arranging to have lunch together whenever we were on the same side of town.  I even joined him some evenings in the retirement home and helped him take care of many sweet people who adored him.  They all sang his praises to me.  It was like had a twenty grandparents who loved him dearly.  I wasn’t surprised to see him have this effect on them.  Nick naturally drew people to himself.  He didn’t have to do anything.  It just happened.
"So, you’re Elisa,"  said one of the ladies at the nursing home. "Nicky talks about you all the time."
I looked up him.  "Nicky?"
He just rolled his eyes.
He squatted down to talk to her.  "Tell her what I said, Mary."
She laughed.  "He said you were the most beautiful girl in the world.  That you had been an angel to him. He’s an angel to us, you know?  He never forgets about his viejitos."
He wrinkled his nose.  "Viejitos?"
"It’s Spanish for old people.  It’s a term of endearment," I told him.
"I would never forget my viejitos," he said pulling her into a light hug.  "You guys always make my day."
She looked up to me after he let go and ran off to get her book.
"Take care of him," she told me in Spanish.  "He’s a very special boy, and I think he really wants someone to love him."
I squatted down as Nick had.  "Don’t worry," I told her.  "I’m never, ever going to hurt him.  And you’re right, he’s an angel."
She smiled and lowered her voice.  "But he doesn’t even know it."
I watched him with her and all of his viejitos.  He was light-hearted making them laugh and talk about themselves.  But most of them were interested in me that day.  They were pleased to know I was going to be a teacher and teased us about our age difference.
"It’s better that you’re older, honey," one lady told me.  "Men always die first.  You don’t want to be alone when you’re an old lady like me."
Nick made a face at her.  "You’re not alone.  What am I chopped liver?"
She laughed.  "Honey, you’ve always looked more like grade A beef."
We both started laughing while he turned red and choked on his giggles.
 
 
 

The weekends, however, were our time.  We spent many Friday nights dancing at the OP.  I even took back into the women’s bathroom so he could meet Carmen.
"Remember him?" I asked her.  "He was here all passed out?"
Carmen laughed.
Nick was pink from being in the women’s restroom and from being reminded of his little escapade.
"Thanks for taking care of me," he told her earnestly.  "I don’t know what I would have done without you.  Both of you."
"Oh it was nothing, mijo.  I ended up leaving that day anyway, remember?  It was Elisa who took care of  you," she said.
Nick wrapped his arms around my waist and squeezed tightly.  "You don’t know how grateful I am for that.  I try to pay her back, but she won’t let me."  I saw him wink at Carmen through the mirror.
I just shook my head and Carmen laughed.
"Oh, I think you’ve probably thanked her enough, right mija?" she touched my shoulder.  "I haven’t seen her this happy in a long time.  If ever.  You take good care of her, or I’ll come looking for you."
Nick laughed happily.  "I’m trying.  But really, thanks.  Thanks for everything."
"You’re welcome.  But don’t ever come back here like that again," she said.  "You guys just be happy together."
I let go of Nick and hugged her.  "Thank you.  I’ll see you soon."
Nick went and hugged her too before we left.  He covered his eyes and we passed by the stalls.
"Oh stop it.  You’ve been here before. What’s the big deal?" I asked.
He shook his head looking around.  "I can’t believe this is where you found me.  This is where we became friends."
I felt good to hear him call me his friend.  The truth is that we were friends.  We could talk about anything, anytime.
We went to dance and didn’t stop until almost three in the morning.  He was probably the only guy who could dance as long as I could.  I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me.  He used to do it for a living.
"Nick, have I asked you to promise me anything?" I asked as we walked out of the club.
He shook his head.  "Uh-uh.  Why?"
"Well, I need to ask you to promise me something," I said leaning my back against the driver side door of the Durango.
"That I’ll always be good in bed?  I can promise you that, but you’ll never know if we don’t try."
I pushed his arm.  "I’m serious. This is important to me."
His face changed.  He finally looked serious.  "What?  What do you want me to promise you?"
"I want you to promise me that you will always be my friend.  That no matter what ever happens between us, we will always be able to talk like we do now.  I can absolutely make the same promise to you.  No matter what, if you’re married, or back to being famous, or living life in a small town, you will always be able to count on me.  I will always listen to you."
He smiled.  "Oh my God, Elisa. That’s it?  That’s all you want me to promise you?"  He pulled me into his arms.  "You will always be my best friend.  No matter where I go or what I do, if you’re married, if you become a nun, if you are an old lady sitting on your back porch, you will always be able to count on me.  Always."
"Thanks," I said from his chest.  "You will always be my best friend, too."
Saturdays were our official date night.  We’d usually go to dinner and a movie and end up at his house or mine talking late into the night.
We didn’t always just talk.  Sometimes, we made out for a really long time and had to stop when things got too heavy.  I told him from the beginning that I wouldn’t have sex with him right away.  He snorted and said he’d never had sex with me.  Then he laughed, and we talked about it.  I hadn’t slept with anyone since Daniel.  He hadn’t since a girl he dated in Tampa.   I was still feeling the after effects of all the crazy stuff I had done to give into the growing desire I felt for him.  He said he respected that and understood it was his job to break my resolve.  Then he laughed again and said that it was okay.
It was on one of those Saturday nights that he got a call from home.
"That was weird," he said padding barefoot back into the living room where I was flipping through his art books.
"What?" I asked.
"My mom called me to say that Kevin, one of the guys from the group, has been calling asking her to give him my number.  She wanted to know if it was okay if she gave it to him."
"Why is that weird?" I asked.
He shrugged.  "Because it was Kevin.  If it was Brian, I could understand.  He at least tried to like me.  But Kevin?  He avoided me like the plague.  You know, I think he was relieved when he knew that I was leaving at least he wouldn’t have to deal with all of my crap anymore.  I wonder what he wants."
"Are you going to call him?"
"I don’t know.  It’s been almost a year now.  They’re doing fine without me.  I hope nothing’s wrong."
"Maybe he wants to know how you are.  Maybe he feels guilty about how things ended up with you guys.  People change."
He laughed. "You don’t know Kevin.  As the oldest member of the group, he felt it was his business to be in all of our business.  He was always annoyed with me and Brian for messing around.  We just liked to have fun.  But everything was business with Kevin.  He rarely said anything to me directly, but I know he thought I was unprofessional.  But I mean, I was thirteen years old when we formed the group.  Hell, I grew up there.  I did it for fun more than for money and fame most of the time.  Professionalism wasn’t that important to me.  But Kevin took everything very seriously, and I was never up to par.  I was happiest when he was so annoyed with me that he left me alone," he wrinkled his nose.  "Hmm, maybe that’s why I was always annoying him."
I shook my head.  "That doesn’t sound like you."
"Oh Elisa, there are dark corners of me you haven’t seen," he said poking my side.
I gave him a look.
He shrugged.  "Everyone is entitled to a little mystery.  Like Kevin, he had his moments.  Just when I thought he was going to turn to stone, he’d be in a really good mood and talk and play around with us.  He was a certified ball room dance instructor.  One day, he started teaching us how to dance salsa," he laughed seeming nostalgic about the group for the first time.  "We took turns being the girl before he’d let us lead, and Brian kept telling him, ‘Keep you mitts still, mister.’ And smacking him.  Kevin actually laughed.  It was fun.  I wonder what he wants now."
"Well, if you talk to him, you can stop wondering what’s going on.  Maybe he just needs to know you’re okay."
"Like he cares.  I just hope Brian’s okay.  He had a heart problem a couple of years back.  He had to have surgery and everything.  Those were some scary days.  I was so little that I looked up to him because he was cool and nice to me.  Then he got sick, and I got really scared.  I stayed away from the hospital a lot.  Not because I didn’t care but because it scared me to see him like that.  I’ve often wondered if he just thought I didn’t care.  His girlfriend was always there, and they became closer than ever.  He wasn’t the same with me after that.  He was nice, but he didn’t try to be my friend as much.  I don’t think he held it against me.  He just probably had enough to deal with.  His health.  His girlfriend," he shrugged.
I was quiet watching the memories play on his face.  His expression always conveyed his emotions.  I could read the curiosity in his eyes as well as the fear of what the reality might be.
"What are you going to do?" I asked finally.
He sighed. "Sit with you here all night."
"I meant about Kevin."
He shook his head.  "Nothing right now.  Maybe I’ll call him during the week.  Come ‘ere."
We began one of those long, frustrating yet invigorating make out sessions.  It would have been easy to say yes and have sex with him.  But beyond my fear of taking things too fast, it would have probably taken all of the fun out of everything.
He didn’t mention Kevin Richardson again for a few months.  When I heard the name again, I should have known that it would change everything.