The first part of the summer was incredible.  I graduated, and Nick decided not to attend summer school.  We had a two-week break before I began teaching at a summer program, so we decided to vacation in South Padre Island.  He had wanted to take me home to Tampa, but I refused because I didn’t feel ready to face his family.
"I saw How Stella Got Her Groove Back," I told him while we laid out on the warm Texas sand.  "I didn’t want to face your mom and have her question me."
He laughed.  "My mom wouldn’t question you.  She knows all about you.  You think I didn’t tell her?  She’s happy for me.  She thinks it’s cool that you’re a teacher.  And she wants to meet you."
He was shirtless just wearing some long shorts.  Out on the beach, he looked like one of those old Sunkist commercials.  His hair was even lighter, and his fair skin turned a golden shade of brown.  His electric eyes contrasted against his bronze face and sunny hair.
"Well still," I said.  "I’d really rather we just spend this time alone."
"Hmm, that sounds strange.  Why is it important for us to be alone here and not in El Paso or in Tampa?"
I shrugged and turned over to tan my back.  "It’s our first time out of town together, honey.  I just thought it would be better."
"Oh, I thought you had changed your mind about the sex thing."
"No," I said immediately.
Truth was my resolve was at its weakest point ever.  We had a double occupancy room but only used the other bed to dump clothes we didn’t feel like putting away.
"Just checking," he said.  "What do you want to do tonight?"
"Dance," I said.
"You always want to dance.  You dance more than any other girl I know.  You ever get tired of dancing?"
"Nope."
I heard him sigh.  He was restless.  I could tell he was dying to run around or work out, anything but lay out in the sun.
"Wanna go for a walk?" he asked.  "Maybe we can play volleyball or something."
I was enjoying the bake.  I hadn’t had a chance to lay out in years, and I wasn’t much for beach sports or any other kind of sports.
"No, you go ahead.  I’ll stay here."
He stood up.
"Are you sure?  We are on the beach and you never know what could happen to me if I’m alone," he said with a playful tone in his voice.
"Take your panic whistle with you," I told him.  "I’ll come running."
He clicked his teeth.  "By the time you get up, someone might have already taken advantage of me."
I rolled over to face him but had to shield my eyes from the sun.  He was smiling enjoying the fact that I was playing along.
"Umm, then make sure you make it last so I can come watch," I said coolly.
He gasped. "Ms.  Vasquez!"
"Honey, go!" I said playfully kicking his long leg.  "Go check out the chicks and swim a little.  I’ll be here."
"Are you sure?"
I nodded.  "Well, just don’t talk to the chicks.  You can check them out, but that’s it."
"Okay.  Don’t talk to anyone either."
"Don’t worry."
He started walking away but turned around.  "I’ll miss you," he called.
"I’ll miss you too," I answered.
I never thought it could be this way.  In all the years that I had been dating, I wanted to have someone exactly like Nick.   Spending time with him was like spending time with a friend.  There were no jealousies, no pressures, no doubts.  We just enjoyed each other.  In just two and half months, he had erased many of my bad memories.  By the same token, I think I gave him the opportunity to be that normal guy he always wanted to be.  I worked hard to put away my hang ups and make every experience new for the both us.  With Nick, that wasn’t hard.
I smiled to myself and rolled back over.
We didn’t just dance that night, we drank margaritas like there was no tomorrow.  Since we met, we had spent a lot of time in clubs and dancing but neither one of drank more than two drinks.  That night, the waitress kept bringing us the refreshing, salty drinks and we kept downing them.
I know we danced a lot and laughed a lot.  But I think neither one of us expected to end up tangled up in bed going way farther than we had ever gone.
He was the first to stop, catching his breath and moving to sit on the edge of the bed.
"What?" I asked.  "What’s wrong?"
He shook his head.  "We can’t.  You know we can’t.  Not like this."
I was sincerely puzzled.  "What?  Why?"
"Because we’re drunk.  You’re drunk, and my head is still spinning.  I’m not about to do this with you and have any regrets later."
I fell back on the pillow and watched him.  He was avoiding looking at me, preferring to stare at the wall.
"What if it’s time?  What if it’s what I want?" I asked him.  I had been considering ending the no sex rule. It was getting too difficult to me to abide by.  The alcohol had just lowered my inhibitions enough to act.
He shook his head.  "No.  We are not going to do this like this.  You have made wait, and wait, and I have.  I haven’t minded waiting because I understand the reasoning.  I know all about everything you’ve been through.  I’m not going to become part of that.  We made that decision together and sober.  If it’s going to change, it’s going to have to be sober."
I sucked in air.  He was always shocking me with how much he understood me.
"Want to wait till we’re sober?" I asked brightly.  "It’ll be a couple of hours."
He finally turned back to me.  "What?  Really?"
"Yeah.  I want you.  I absolutely want you.  I know this is exactly right.  I’ve been sure about it for awhile now.  Let’s just sit here.  Or you sit over there," I said pointing to the other bed.  "We’ll wait until we’re sober."
He laughed and hurried to the other bed.  I could hear him giggling like this was the funniest joke in the world.
I got warm and comfortable under the blankets in my bed.
"You’re going to fall asleep," he told me.
"Nope.  You are."
"Nope," he said.  "You are."
I just shook my head though I knew he couldn’t see me.
He starting humming then singing.
"You know a lot of songs," I told him.  "You’re always singing."
He half laughed.  "It was my job to know a lot of songs.  Remember?"
"I didn’t know you then," I told him my head starting to feel heavy, but I struggled to stay awake. "Remember?  Were they love songs?"
"Most of them.  Man, you really didn’t listen to our music.  What are you?  An ‘NSYNC fan?"
I tried to make out his face in the darkness.  "Who are they?"
"Never mind.  Yeah, we used to sing mostly love songs.  Some dance songs, but the majority were about love."
"And you were thirteen years old singing love songs?" I asked.
"Yeah. Why?"
"Did it ever feel strange to sing about something that you hadn’t truly experienced?"
He was silent.  "I don’t know.  I guess I never really thought about it when I was that young.  And even in the last few years, I enjoy the songs because they’re good songs."
"You don’t think you feel a personal connection with them?  I mean, you didn’t think about someone special while you were singing?"
"You mean like my girlfriend?"
"Yeah," I said.
"Uh-uh.  Not really.  If I liked a girl, I might sing to her.  But say a song like ‘I Need You Tonight,’ which was my solo, I just sang it.  To me, it was more about what I could do with my voice than what I was feeling.  The song is about wanting to be with someone who has reservations," he stopped then half laughed.  "It’s about someone like you and someone like me.  He thinks nothing else matters but that they’re in love.  She worries about everything else."
"I don’t worry about everything else."
"But you did," he said.
"And if you were to sing that song now.  What would you think about?"
"You," he said.  "You’re the only person I need tonight or any other night."
"You’re sweet," I told him.  "I wasn’t fishing for compliments."
"I know," he said.  "You never do.  You’re funny that way.  Most girls need to be reassured all the time.  You always act like everything is okay."
"That’s because it is."
We fell silent.
He’d occasionally ask me what time it was.  After two hours, he made me stand up and gave me a his own version of a sobriety test which I passed.
It was the longest night of the summer.
 
 

"Ms. Vasquez is your boyfriend one of the Backstreet Boys?" one of my summer school third graders asked, her eyes full of expectations.
I wanted to laugh.  "No, my boyfriend is not in the Backstreet Boys.  Why would you ask that?"
"That’s what Sara said.  She said it was the one that quit."
I shook my head.  "No, sweetheart.  Mr. C. just looks like one of the Backstreet Boys, but he’s not.  Isn’t your mom here yet?"
It was Friday afternoon, almost 1:30, summer school let out at noon.  This little girl was always getting left behind.
She shook her head, long brown braids bobbing along.  "No.  She said for me to wait with you."
I was going through all of the papers I would have to grade that weekend.  It never ended.  My teaching assignment seemed to involve more paperwork than actual teaching.
"Then sit down, sweetheart.  What are you doing this weekend?" I asked putting everything aside for her.
"Oh same stuff.  Going to Juarez, watching TV, playing with my sister," she said.  "Are you going out with your boyfriend?"
"Probably," I said.  Nick spent a lot of time in my classroom reading to my kids.  They, of course, had fallen in love with him.  Just like me.
"Ms. Vasquez, can you please come to the office?  There a love sick young man here to see you," said a strange, high-pitched voice.
That hadn’t been the PA system.  I looked at the door but there was no one.
"Ms. Vasquez?  He’s going into cardiac arrest.  Would you please come to the office?"
Alicia giggled.
I started curiously for the door when Nick flew in clutching at his chest.
"Uh, ugh, uh, uh," he mumbled.  "Ack!  Ack!"
Alicia’s laughter bubbled up loudly.
He reached past me up to her and held on to her skinny arm.
"Oh wait a minute, I feel better, nurse," he said smiling at her. "You want to be my girlfriend?"
She peeled her eyes at him.
"Well?  No?  No?" he asked her then looked up at me.  "She said no."
I shook my head. "She’s a smart girl.  How was your day?"
He shrugged.  "Fine. Boring. Long." He glanced back at Alicia.  "Boy, here I thought I liked Ms. Vasquez, but you got me beat."
"Why?" she asked.
"Because it’s Friday,  school’s been out for awhile, and you’re still here.  Fridays after school, I was always home watching Scooby Doo."
"I want to watch Scooby Doo," she told him.  "But my mom hasn’t come to get me yet."
I think he noticed the touch of fear in her voice.  "Oh.  Well, she’ll be here. She’s probably just running late.  You want to read to me?"
Her eyes glowed as she nodded.  "Yes!"
"Okay.  Go grab a book," when she was gone, he kissed me on the cheek. "Poor kid."
I shrugged.  "They do this to her everyday.  I don’t know why."
"Well, finish up what you need to, and I’ll watch her.  Maybe her mom will be here soon."
"Thanks," I told him and hurried to finish my stuff.
The woman showed up nearly at two.  Alicia had spent the time happily reading to Nick.  She gave him a big hug when she saw her mom.  I started politely reminding the lady that it wasn’t safe for Alicia to be left alone for so long and that I didn’t always stay after school, which was a lie.  She said that she had company over and just couldn’t get way.
"Bye Mr. C.," Alicia called as she walked away.
"Bye Alicia.  Have a good weekend," he told her.
She was practically at the door when she remembered me.
"Oh!  Bye Ms. Vasquez."
"Bye, sweetie," I said and looked at Nick.  "She likes you more than she likes me."
He shrugged.  "I always had a way with the little ones.  Sorry."
"It’s okay.  Thanks for staying with her.  I can’t believe she just gets left here like that."
"It happens a lot?" he asked.
"At least twice a week."
"Next time, we’ll take her home," he said confidently.
"Sometimes, I think she doesn’t want to go home," I told him dryly.
Nick sighed watching me.  "It sounds like you’re getting really close and involved here, Elisa.  They’re your students, not your kids."
I looked at him.  "What?"
"Well, don’t you have to maintain some level of detachment?  Even at the nursing home, I know better than to get really attached to anyone.  It’s hard.  Really, really hard when they show so much affection.  But they’re all temporary people in our lives.  Your students will move on next year, and if you’re attached, how will you feel then?" he asked sitting on my desk.
I sat next to him.  "Leave it you to be thinking about me.  You really are my best friend."
He put his arm around me.  "If I don’t think about you,  you won’t either.  Just be careful.  You’re easily heart broken, I know."
I shook my head and wanted to laugh.  "You are too much, you know that?  I can’t even believe how amazing and wonderful you are.  I must have really paid my dues back then to end up with you now."
His tanned skin flushed, but he smiled confidently.  "I’m the prize.  You’ve worked hard for your just reward."
I kissed my adorable reward, and then we gathered up my things.  We were going to dinner to celebrate our four month anniversary that evening.  We had actually celebrated each month like it was a milestone. It had been an incredible time without one single argument or bad moment.  Maybe he had been right about our being on the same playing field.  We were surprisingly understanding and easy to compromise for each other.  I guess the fact that we were always talking about being friends kept everything in perspective.
He left a change of clothes at my house the night before, so we wouldn’t have to make two stops.
After we watched TV for awhile, we both ran to get ready.  He was ready early, of course and ended up was sitting on my bed while I finished tying the strap in my shoe.
"I called Kevin," he said out of nowhere.
"Who?" I asked not even remembering about the phone call weeks before.
"Kevin Richardson. Remember?  The older, pushy guy in the group?"
I nodded. "Yeah.  What happened?"
He shrugged.  "He just wanted to talk.  He asked about what I was doing, how I was, what was new.  I don’t know.  It was strange, like he was trying to make it up to me or something."
"Is your friend okay?"
"Brian?  Yeah.  Brian’s fine."  He shook his head as if trying to shake a bug.  "I don’t really know what’s going on."
I sat next to him.  "Do they want you back?  They can’t have you back now, unless they’re offering millions and millions of dollars and some chocolate," I said trying to lighten his mood.
He laughed.  "No.  He didn’t say anything about that.  He wants to come see me, though.  They’re on a break for several months.  I told him right now wasn’t a good time, but maybe later this summer."
"Why later?"
"Because it’s so strange, Elisa.  When I left the group, I was leaving them.  I was walking away from their indifference.  Why, almost a year later, is he acting like it matters?"
I took his hand into mine.  "Nick.  I’ve watched you all of this time that we’ve been together, and I don’t understand how those guys didn’t fall in love with you.  Everybody else does.  You talk to someone for five minutes, and they’re looking at you with these eyes like they want to melt.  You have this strange magic that draws people to you.  I think that’s why Carmen helped you, that’s why I helped you, why it’s easy for you to be around kids and viejitos.  Maybe Kevin saw that in you too.  Maybe he just didn’t act on his love for you immediately because of your silliness or I don’t know.  But maybe, just maybe, he did and does care about you.  Maybe they all do," I took a deep breath.  "Not loving you is like trying not to breathe."
He turned to me.  Thoughts of Kevin erased from his face, he was just looking at me.
"Do you really love me?" he asked.
I was startled by his question but was more than happy to answer it.
"I love you.  I absolutely love you," I told him.
He pulled my face to his and kissed me.  "I’ve loved you for a long time already.  Everything takes you so long," he whined
I laughed.  "Sorry."
"It’s okay.  You make everything worth the wait."
The dinner was great, but nothing that special.  What I remember most was Nick singing again.  He sang and sang the entire night practically.  The crowd loved him and cheered him on and on so that he spent quite a while up on the stage.  I had never seen him like that.  His gaze was fixed on some unknown place in the distance because he already knew every song in the world.  But he looked more in his element than I had ever seen him at that point.  I think that for a moment, he even forgot I was there.
 
 

By the time summer school let out in the middle of July, we were both living part time in our homes.  He had clothes, shoes other essentials strewn all over my bedroom.  I had pushed him out of his side of the bed at his place.
One night at his place after catching our breath and uttering the usual wows and thank yous, he told me that he was ready to have Kevin visit him.
"I think it would be okay, don’t you?" he asked.  "We could show him around town.  Take him to Juarez."
I leaned my head on his shoulder.  "Nick, I doubt he’s coming just to go sight-seeing."
"You still don’t think he’s here to convince me to go back, do you?"
"I don’t know, maybe not.  Maybe he’s here to extend his friendship to you.  Maybe, he’s feeling like you were last year.  He might just need a break from his routine."
"Maybe," he said.
"Would you go back?  If that’s why he was coming here, would you go back with him?" I asked.
He rolled onto his stomach and turned to me.  He looked hurt suddenly and confused.
"How can you ask me that?" he whispered though we were the only ones in the house.
I touched his hair to put him at ease, "Nick honey, it’s just a question."
He shook his head.  "Do you think I would have gone through everything I’ve gone through to get here, everything I’ve put you through, to just go back on a whim?  Or because Kevin thinks I should?  No.  And I resent that you could think that."
I was watching him pout.  "I don’t think that.  I was just asking you.  It’s a possibility, you know.  You need to be ready for him to ask you that question."
He leaned on his elbows.  "I don’t care what he’s here to ask me.  It still confuses me that he’d want to come at all.  But I need to know what he wants.  I need to give him that chance."
"I understand, honey.  It’s fine.  There’s no reason why things won’t go great with him."
"Then, don’t think I’m running off on you, okay?"
I shook my head.  "I know you’re not.  I know you wouldn’t."
"Besides," he said lying back down drowsily.  "Didn’t I promise that we’d always be best friends?  I’ll always be in your life."
"Yup," I said.  "You will always be my best friend."
He settled in close to me and closed his eyes to sleep.  I wasn’t reassured by any means.  Maybe it was my past experiences talking again, but I decided to brace myself for the worst.  He was going to have tough decisions to make, and I wasn’t to get in the way of what he wanted.
 
 

Kevin was set to arrive the last week of July and stay for a month.  I would begin teaching my first year of second grade in the middle of August.  It gave us just enough time for me to meet and get to know Kevin a little, then for them to spend some time alone.
He was nervous the day Kevin was supposed to arrive.  I felt him leave the bed early and hurriedly begin to clean the house though the maid had been there the day before.
"The house is clean," I told him when I found him scrubbing the downstairs toilet.
"I woke you.  I’m sorry," he said.  "What time does Kevin get in, again?"
"Noon and it’s only seven-thirty.  Have you had breakfast?"
He shook his head. "I’m not hungry."
"Not hungry?"  I ran to him exaggerating and felt his forehead and cheeks.  "Are  you sick?  What’s wrong?"
He didn’t laugh.  He didn’t even smile.  "I want everything to be perfect, Elisa.  I don’t want Kevin to think that I’m a kid who can’t keep his own house."
I rubbed my sleepy eyes and picked up a sponge to start on the bathtub.
"He won’t think that about you," I told him.  "He’s not here to judge or criticize you.  Do you think he’d come all the way over here for that?"
He shrugged.  "I never thought he’d even want to come over here at all."
"It’ll be okay, honey," I told him stepping into the tub to clean the shower head and the handles.  "Stop worrying so much."
I’d never seem him so glum.  He couldn’t even smile at me, much less shrug his worries away.
 
 

Kevin’s plane was right on time.  I watched the stunning, tall, dark, young man dressed in black walk through the tunnel looking around.
Nick was craning his neck and then waved at him.
Kevin sped up and reached for Nick’s embrace.
"Little Frack!" he said with a laugh.  "Man, I swear you look taller."
Nick was holding him for a very long time.  They patted each other on the back heartily before letting go.  I noticed they were almost the same height.
"How was your flight?" Nick asked.
"Fine.  It was fine.  I slept most of the way.  How you doin’?"
Nick shrugged.  "Fine.  I’m fine," he turned and took my hand.  "Elisa this is Kevin.  Kevin, this is my girlfriend Elisa Vasquez."
He shook my hand smiling with steely blue/gray eyes that were very sexy but lacked all of Nick’s warmth.
"It’s nice to finally meet you," he said in an easy drawl.  "I’ve heard so much."
"Thanks," I told him.  "It’s nice to meet you, too.  I’m glad you’ll be able to keep Nick company when school starts."
"Yeah, you’re a teacher, huh?  It must be so cool to work with kids," he said.
"It is.  Anybody hungry yet?"  I asked knowing the next part of our agenda was to feed Kevin.
Nick nodded right away suddenly relocating his smile, and Kevin just shrugged.
"I could eat.  Let’s just get my bags," he said.
We took him to our favorite restaurant.  He looked around the family eatery as if trying to soak it all in.
"This is a great place, Nick.  I can see why you’re so happy here," he said.
Nick just smiled.  "I like it too.  It’s just been a really hot summer, and I miss the beach.  But we went to South Padre Island in June."
Kevin nodded watching us as if for the first time.  Nick pulled me closer to him, and Kevin smiled.
He shook his head.  "I doubt it’s the heat or the atmosphere that keep you here, kid.  How long have you guys been together?"
"Almost five months," Nick said.  "Man, time sure flies."
"Well, it does if you’re happy.  And I don’t think I’ve seen you happier.  Is this what getting away from all of the craziness does for you?"
Nick laughed.  "I don’t think it’s craziness for you, Kev.  You enjoy it too much.  I was the one climbing the walls.  I’m happy because I’m doing what I want."
"Where did you guys meet?" Kevin asked.
We both started laughing.
"What?" he asked startled.
"Remember that day in Las Cruces a year and a half ago when I took off?"
Kevin nodded.
"Well, I met these guys who got me really drunk and dumped in a gay bar.  She rescued me from the women’s restroom and took me home."
Kevin was still nodding, but his eyes widened as if something had dawned on him.  "You guys met since back then?  Wow.  I thought you might have met since you moved here."
I shook my head.  "It was pure luck we bumped back into each other at all."
"I bet," Kevin said.  "And you’ve been together since.  Must be nice.  I still can’t seem to find a girl who will put up with all of my shit," he stopped and looked at me.  "Excuse my language.  It’s just that everyone seems to have settled down but me."
"You will when you find the right person," Nick said right away.  "And it’s hard being in the band and trying to keep a girl.  So, it’s really not that much your fault."
Kevin nodded, "Yup.  You got a point there, Frack."
Just then our food arrived.  I was glad to have something else to talk about than mine and Nick’s relationship. Kevin began catching Nick up on the other guys and planning what they’d to do together while he was in town.  He’d be staying at Nick’s house.
Things went exceptionally smoothly.   The guys spent a lot of time playing basketball and going to the gym together during the day.  At night, Kevin would always leave us alone though I tried to give them room to hang out together.  He always insisted that he’d come to El Paso to rest, not to interfere with our dates.
So we continued our happy routine the first week he was in town.  That weekend, however, we decided to take him dancing.
"Elisa’s sister is coming too," Nick was telling him while I finished getting ready in his bathroom.  "You have to meet Laura.  She’s a blast."
"Is she cute?" Kevin asked.
Nick laughed.  "She’s very cute.  I think it runs in their family.  But she’s really funny.  You’ll like her."
I didn’t hear Kevin answer, but after awhile, they were laughing. Men.  Famous or not, they are exactly the same.
Laura was not going to be intimidated by Kevin.  She let him know that from the start.
"Now, what group did you say you were in?" she asked him as we walked up to the club.
I saw his eyes widen in slight disbelief.  "The Backstreet Boys," he told her.
He was looking gorgeous in tight black jeans and a fitted granite colored jersey.  His eyes smoldered gray under his dark eyebrows and against his light tan.
She made a face.  "Not sure I’ve heard of them.  You heard of them, Blondie?"
Nick laughed.  "Yeah.  I think so."
He was wearing his khakis and his white, ribbed blue jersey.  He and Kevin contrasted so much:  light and dark.
"Oh!" Laura said.  "The Backstreet Boys!  That’s where Blondie ran away from, huh?  Well, that’s where all the talent went."
Kevin gave her a look while Nick just laughed.
"I’m just kidding, Kevin," she said giving him a looking at him sweetly.  "I’m really just playing."
He shook his head at her.  "You’re a handful, girl.  Nick already warned me about you."
She squeezed in close to him.  "What did he say?  Did he say I was dangerous?"
"No!" Nick began.
"Yup," Kevin said.  "He said to watch out for your bite.  But honestly, you’re all bark."
Laura was aghast.  Rarely, did men stand up to her sense of humor. Usually, they let her step all over them.
Kevin smiled at her.  "I’m just playing, Laura," he said mocking her.
Nick had his arm around me, he turned and kissed my hair.  "It’s going to be a long night," he said softly.
"She’ll settle down," I told him.  "She knows when to stop."
They bickered until we had our first drinks.  After that, they just wanted to dance.  We were back at the OP.  It had become El Paso’s only real dance club. Grahams was too much of a pick up place, and no other club had such great music.
Nick and I were sitting at a table right by the dance floor watching Laura and Kevin try to outdo each other.  He was all intensity shaking it for all it’s worth.  She didn’t look him in the face and made eye contact with the other men in the crowd just to get a rise out of him.  He just ignored her.
Nick shook his head with a short laugh.
"What?" I asked him.
"You guys are so different," he said.  "I never thought about that.  Your sister is really cool.  I like her, but if Laura had found me here that day, things would have been very different, huh?"
"To say the least."
He sighed.  "Then, I’m glad it was you.  I’ve always been glad it was you." He looked back out at them.  "They seem to have finally hit it off."
"They’re too much alike," I told him.  "I don’t know much about Kevin, even now.  But he doesn’t seem like the most generous person in the world.  And to Laura, Laura comes first and second and third.  They’ll probably hate each other by the time Kevin leaves."
"Oh I doubt that," he said.
I looked up at them.  They were finally looking at each other.  His hand was on the small of her back as if protecting her from the growing crowd.  Suddenly, they both laughed.
"Well, well," I said.
Nick pulled my hand into his.  "Hey, things are going really great with Kevin.  Did I tell you?"
"No.  You haven’t said that much.  What has he told you?"
"That he just wanted to see how I was.  I think you were right.  He felt guilty about never giving me much of a chance.  He’s really cool, you know.  He hasn’t been critical of me at all," he said with a smile.  "And I think he really likes you for me.  He probably thinks you’re the reason I’ve finally grown up."
I started laughing.  "Honey, you’re more grown up than me."
He wrinkled his nose.  "What?  No.  I think it’s because I don’t act as silly.  And besides, his paycheck doesn’t depend of me anymore, so he doesn’t care if I’m a flake."
"You are not a flake."
He shrugged.  "Not anymore.  He always tried to act like our big brother, but he sucked at it.  I’m the oldest in my family, and I’m always there for my sisters and brother, or I try to be.  I’ll listen to them and give them feedback if they ask me for it  And support them more than anything. But all he used to do was scold us, like we were his kids.  I think he finally got the hang of the big brother thing, though.  It’s cool."
"See, and you were all worried.  I’d never seen you worried."
He looked up at me with one of the most serious expressions I’d ever seen on his face.
"I worry a lot, Elisa.  I worry about you, about us.  I don’t want to screw this up.  Maybe I don’t bite my nails about it like I did with Kevin’s visit, but it’s in the back on my mind."
I touched his hair, pulled his face to mine and kissed him over and over again.
"Stop worrying about us.  We’re fine," I told him staying close to his face.  "You’re here.  I’m here.  Let’s make the best of it."
He kissed me one last time.  "Okay.  Yeah.  You’re right."
"Hey!!  Hey goof balls!!"
"Quit sucking face."
We both looked up to find Laura and Kevin trying to get our attention.  They motioned for us to go dance.  Nick pulled me up, we joined them.
 
 
 

I was supposed to officially start school, the second week in August.  But because it was my first year, I decided to go back before that just to set up my room.  The first day, Nick and Kevin went to help me move stuff around.  The room was a mess since it had gone unused the year the before.
The guys had quickly moved out old, rickety things and helped me clean out the dusty corners.
"You know, I need some soda now.  You guys want some?" Nick asked.
"I want water," I told him.
"Me too," Kevin said.  "You want me to go with you?"
"Nope," Nick said stepping over the boxes.  "I’ll be right back."
It was the first time Kevin and I were ever alone in a room together.  We usually had polite, conversations about the weather and movies, but that was it.  I didn’t dislike him as much as just not trust him. I held the usual resentment against him for making Nick unhappy in the past.  He didn’t seem very interested in my opinion of him.  So, we hardly ever spoke even though he’d been in town two weeks.
"Man, I haven’t cleaned in forever," he said then he half laughed.  "No, the last time I cleaned was when Frack over here left us in the middle of the tour.  We had to get all of his shit off of the bus.  I was thrilled," he said emphasizing the sarcasm in his voice.
I just looked up at him unsure of how to respond.
"He left stuff everywhere," Kevin continued. "The stupid video games, CDs, clothes.  Is he still really messy?"
I shook my head and finished dusting the bookshelf.  "No.  He takes really good care of his house.  It’s  big deal to him.  He’s worked really hard to be responsible about his things."
Kevin laughed.  "Responsible?  That kid has never been responsible.  You must bring out the best in him."
He was pounding away at an old desk that had a loose leg.
"We bring out the best in each other," I said trying not to sound too defensive.  "I really needed someone like him in my life."
"Someone immature?"
I didn’t say anything.  I had to catch myself before saying anything I’d regret.  I told myself he was just kidding, but he did nothing to show me that he was.  He tightened the leg on the desk and looked at me for an answer.
"He’s not immature," I said simply.  "He’s young.  But I think he knows a lot more than I sure did at his age."
Kevin’s steely eyes watched me.  He had put away the niceness facade.  I had been waiting for this for awhile.
"You know, he likes you because you say no to him," he said.
I stepped over a box of my stuff to stand closer to him.  "I know why he likes me," I said still trying to sound at ease.
Kevin shook his head.  "Don’t get me wrong.  You’re a great girl.  Pretty, nice, smart, with a career.  But Nick’s lived a life of privilege, even before the group.  He was used to getting things his way.  When we started getting successful, his head got really big.  He wanted to do everything and be everywhere.  He wanted to center of attention.  And you know, we were stupid enough to let him.  Yes, Nick you get the solo.  Sure Nick, you can sing most of the songs.  No problem.  But you know, somehow that wasn’t enough for little Nick because he started suffering from our neglect and decided to walk away," Kevin shook his head.  "Like he ever tried to cultivate any friendship among us.  The only thing that kid suffers from a is too much, too good, too soon syndrome.  No one’s ever stood in his way, or said no to him about anything.  And I think that bores him.  But come on, you must say no to him. He wouldn’t have stuck around so much if you didn’t.  Giving it all away on the first night didn’t work for any of the other girls."
"Well, you just proved that you don’t know shit about him," I said.  "Excuse my language."  I shook my head to maintain my composure.  "You’ve got him all wrong.  It’s no wonder he was miserable.  All Nick wanted was a chance to be himself, and you guys stifled it.  His career stifled it."
"Oh please!"  Kevin said.  "Please, don’t ask me to feel sorry for him."
"No, I wouldn’t want you feeling sorry for him.  Neither would he.  But with me, here, and even when he was alone, he had the chance to be himself.  To make mistakes.  He answers only to himself and has no one to judge him.  How would you like to have been his age and have all of the responsibilities that he did?  To be away from home with only someone like you to guide him."
"Someone like me?" he asked.
I cleared my throat.  "Someone who criticizes him and belittles his every move.  He’s afraid of you, Kevin.  Before you showed up, all he did was worry that his house was perfect, that it was spotless.  He didn’t want you to find one dirty shirt or one speck on the floor.  Why on Earth do you care if he’s messy or not?  You never slept in his room, did you? He worried about all of that for weeks. And I’d never seen him worry before.  And for what?  To impress you?  He shouldn’t have bothered.  It’s not like you care."
He shook his head again.  "You’ve got this all wrong.  He’s got you tangled up in all of his mess just like his mother.  I never belittled him or judged him.  I just expected him to live up to his side of the deal.  He was hired to do a job, to play a part.  He had to put up with the homesickness, the work, the other guys.  We all did.  It was our job."
"And he was kid.  Kids aren’t supposed to have jobs.  Not ones that demand that he check in his personality to impress you."
"I didn’t want him to impress me.  I wanted him to do his job.  How do you think we all felt when he started running off in strange cities?"
"How do you think he felt?" I asked.  "Did you ever bother to ask him why?  Or did you just say, ‘Oh, there’s Nick, up to the same old shit.’?"
He ran his hands through his short hair and took a deep breath.
"And he likes me, no he loves me, because I’ve given him a chance to be the man he really is," I told him.  "Not the kid you expect him to be."
"It wasn’t about me, Elisa," he said lowering his voice.  "It was never about me.  I know that he was young.  Hell, when I was his age, I was engaged to someone older than you.  I wanted to be a man, too.  But falling in love doesn’t make you man.  Working and being responsible make you man."
I shook my head this time.  "It’s not about love, or work, or responsibility.  It’s about his happiness.  He will truly be man when he’s happy wherever he is, whatever he’s doing.  And don’t think for a minute that I’ve lost sight of that."
He rubbed his chin.  The room was so quiet that I heard his light stubble rub against his hand.
"I want that for him too," he said.  "Believe or not, I didn’t come here to criticize him or--."
"Why did you come here?  Honestly," I asked him finally.
He shrugged.  "I wanted to see for myself what he was doing.  I wanted to witness that he actually pulled off being on is own and being okay with it.  I didn’t think he could do it."
"Well, he’s fine," I said.  "He would be fine without me too."
Kevin half laughed.
I met his gaze. "I know what you think about me, Kevin.  I saw your reaction when Nick told you we met when you guys were on tour here the last time.  But I didn’t ask him to come back or even to accept me as his girlfriend.  Those were things that he wanted.  I’ve just been lucky that he chose me."
Kevin took a step toward me then said in a very soft voice,  "You know, I’d like to believe that.  But I don’t.  If I was critical of Nick, it was because he was so goofy but also so trusting.  He didn’t tell you about the stupid chicks that would break his heart when he was kid.  He never had any idea how take care of himself.  Or his wallet."
We both heard Nick’s tennis shoes squeaking down the hallway. I went to open my box, and Kevin sucked in air and moved to look out the window.
"Sorry it took me so long," Nick said.  "There were no machines, so I had to go to the Seven-Eleven.  It’s just down the street."
"Thanks man," Kevin said taking his water.
I stood up and took mine too.  "Thanks honey, but I think we’re finished here.  You guys all ready did all the men’s work.  I’ll come back tomorrow and put up all of the decorations on my own."
He shook his head.  "We’ll put decorations, huh Kev?"
"Sure," Kevin said.
"It’s okay.  Let’s just go.  I’ll come finish tomorrow."
"Are you sure?" he asked.  "Some of those bulletin boards are kind of high, and what if you can’t reach them?"
I tried hard to smile at him naturally. "Are you calling me short?"
"Are you saying you’re not?" he asked.
I grabbed on to his middle.  "No.  I know I’m short.  I’ll just climb on the tables.  It’s okay.  Why don’t we go home?"
He sighed.  "Well, if you’re sure.  I just wanted to help."
Kevin half smiled, and I went to get my purse.
"You’ve both already helped plenty.  Let’s go," I told them hoping that my heart would stop pounding in my chest.
 
 

Kevin and I continued to have our civil relationship.  It was damn hard.  I was lucky that school started, and I was too busy to worry about him.  Nick told me that they spent most of their time just hanging out and doing guy things.  And it’s not that I didn’t worry about him.  But I thought that Nick had grown up enough to hold his own against Kevin’s criticism.  And I wanted to believe that Kevin really had Nick’s best interest at heart.  But I knew that Kevin had carried with him part of that world that was so foreign to me.  It wasn’t long before Nick had bought a piano, and the two of them took to playing music and writing songs.
My second graders were wonderful.  They were eighteen little individuals who needed me to be there for them and guide them along.  When I was teaching, I forgot about Kevin, Nick’s future and even Nick himself.  It made a good refuge against what I knew was inevitable.
But the inevitable got put on hold one Friday afternoon that I actually finished up my paperwork and was able to leave school on time.  I drove straight to Nick’s house hoping he and Kevin didn’t have plans.  I wanted to take him out to dinner so that we could catch up.
The house was silent as I opened the door.  Usually, the radio was going full blast, there was a movie on, or I would hear the guys playing basketball in the back.
I looked around the living room thinking maybe he’d left me note.
Suddenly, I heard something come to crash and shatter in the kitchen.
"Nick?"  I asked hurrying over there.
I felt like a horrified mother when I found him barefoot and picking up the shards of glass with his hand.
"What are you doing?  Are you okay?"
He looked up startled.  He sniffled and wiped his red nose with is his forearm.
"Yeah, I was just being clumsy," he said softly.  "It’s okay."
I went to get the broom.
"Don’t get those with your hand, honey.  You’re going to cut yourself."
"It’s okay," he said again.  Then, "Ouch.  Oh great."
I went back and squatted down to find him picking glass out of his hand with a thin line of red blood running down his palm.
"Honey, look what you did.  We need to clean that up," I said pulling him up.  "Watch out with the glass," I said guiding him to the sink.
It was strange that he gave himself up to me like that.  He usually enjoyed playing macho and acting like everything was okay.
I cleared the slivers out of his hand then put it under running water.  It wasn’t bad.
I was trying to get a good look at his face.  His hair was growing long again, so it covered his eyes.  But his nose was raw, I could see that clearly.
"Are you all right?" I asked him.
He nodded and sniffled but didn’t answer.
The blood stopped flowing quickly enough, so I bandaged up his hand and kissed his fingers.
"There," I told him. "All better now."
He didn’t move away from me.  And it was shocking that he hadn’t said a word.
"Nick?" I asked finally clearing all of that hair from his face.  "What’s going on?"
He looked up at me.
He was crying.  His eyes were swollen and red.  The tears still came easily sliding down his face, but he swallowed hard.
"What happened, honey? What’s wrong?"
He didn’t answer.  He just fell into my arms and wept like a little boy.  I had never seen him like that.  He was choking on his sobs and gasping for air.  I held him tightly to me and rocked him gently.
"It’s okay," I told him just as many times he had said to me.  "Everything is okay.  No matter what.  It’ll be okay."
I ended up sitting on the floor with my back against the refrigerator.  He was still curled up in my arms trying to make himself so small he’d almost disappear.  I could see the broken glass all over the floor, on the other side of the kitchen, but he was quiet now, just holding on.
I kissed his hair and held him as tightly as I could.  I already knew Kevin was behind the whole thing.  I didn’t have to wait for him to tell me the whole sordid tale, but he did.
"We were talking about you," he said sitting Indian-style in front of me now picking at his bandage.  "It was all okay.  He’s always giving me advice now about how to act around you, how to treat you," he shrugged.  "I guess he figures he knows more because he’d older."
"And what did he say about me?"
"About you?  Nothing.  It was all about me.  He said there was no way I’d be able to hang on to you for long.  He said now that you were teaching, you’d meet other guys your age.  Professional guys.  He called them real guys.  Like I’m not real."
"Why do you even listen to him?" I started.
"But that’s not all," he said.  "We finally started talking about what happened when I left. He said that Brian cried.  Then he kept saying that Brian thought he had failed me. Kevin said that I had let the fans down.  He told me that sometimes, he’d meet fans who would just ask about me, and he wouldn’t know what to say.  He said that he got tired of making excuses for me.  That I wasn’t man enough to show my face and explain what I had done.  He says I let a lot of people down.  He’s right, you know?  I did let a lot of people down."
I shook my head. "That was a long time ago.  Why is it such a big deal now?"
"Because I was being selfish.  I was just worried about myself and my happiness.  I should have tried harder.  I should have been the one reaching out to them, instead of expecting them to do it for me," he said bitterly.  "He says some of the girls would cry for me.  I hate the thought of making little girls cry."
I had never struck any one in anger.  But if Kevin was standing in front of me, I could have knocked his head off.  He was pushing all of Nick’s buttons:  Brian, the fans, me.  This guy was an expert manipulator.
"I just felt so bad when he told me all of that.  He said I was just being coward hiding out over here.  He said that I had taken the easy road to protect my ego, not my heart," he sucked in air.  "And he said I was holding you back from you need to do.  That you had no business with someone so much younger than you because I could never make up the gap of experience that other men have over me."
"Nick, what on Earth does he know about us?  About me?  He wasn’t here last Spring when I told you about my past.  He wasn’t on the porch when Garret showed up and said all of those awful things to me.  He doesn’t know shit," I said.  "Why do you even listen to him?"
He didn’t answer me.  He just buried his head in his hands.
I touched his hair, but he just flinched, so I took my hand away.
"I don’t understand how someone can come in here and make you doubt everything you have worked so hard for?  What is he to you, Nick?  What has he ever been to you?"
"But what if he’s right?" he asked, his voice muffled by his arms.  "What if I’m just hiding?  What if I’m holding you back?"
"Those are questions only you can answer," I told him being more painfully honest than he probably wanted me to be.
He was silent.
"Did he see you this upset?" I asked him finally.
"Yes," he said wiping his nose then looking up.  "I tried to hold my ground with him, to explain myself, but I just kept feeling bad about everything that he was saying to me.  He kept saying, ‘You know I’m right. You know I’m right.  You wouldn’t be upset if you didn’t think I was right.’"
"He’s not right," I said.  "He’s just sick.  He just wants you to feel guilty for being happy."
Nick shook his head.  "I think he just wants me to think about things another way."
"His way?"
He shrugged.
"Have you ever stopped to think that he really just wants you to come back to the group?  That if he points out what’s wrong with everything you have now, you’ll see his logic and come back?"
He just closed his eyes like he didn’t like what I had said, so I stood up.
"Honey, I can’t and I won’t tell you what to think.  You’re the only one who can decide how important his opinions are to you.  If what he says makes you this upset, maybe it’s something you need to think about."
I went to get the broom again to clean up the glass.  Slowly, he got off the floor and padded out of the kitchen.
I left him alone for awhile and busied myself cleaning up after them.  I hated cleaning, but somehow, I had picked up Nick’s nervous habits.  It wasn’t that the house was mess, but inevitably, guys just leave stuff lying around.  I was even glad to have something to do.  I didn’t want to leave him alone, but I didn’t want to be around when Kevin came back.  God only knows what I would say to him.
After awhile, I went to check on him.  He was curled up on his huge bed asleep.  For the first time, he looked like child to me.  It struck me that Kevin had even planted doubts in my head because I knew he was no child.
I pulled out the blanket and covered him up against the refrigerated air.  He took hold of my arm.
"Thought you were asleep," I whispered.
"I can’t sleep. Will you just stay here with me?" he asked.
I sank into his embrace under the blanket.  It was still my favorite place in the world.
He told me later that Kevin had stormed out of the house and left him crying on the back porch about ten minutes before I walked in.  We talked for a long time about Kevin’s intentions.  Nick sincerely thought that Kevin was trying to get him to think about what he had done.  He thought that Kevin had confronted him out of anger since his leaving had created problems for the group.  They were left to answer questions which they were clueless about.  He had also told him that some of the guys took to blaming each other, especially Kevin for Nick’s departure.  Nick was convinced that Kevin had sought him out not only to confront him, but because he felt some guilt, and because he wanted to make amends.
I was sure that he was trying to manipulate him into returning to the group.  He knew that he intimidated Nick so it was easy to push his buttons.  But Nick, as usual, wanted to believe the best in people and just didn’t believe me.  I didn’t press the issue.  Regardless of Kevin’s intentions, the confrontation had awaked some doubts in him.  I knew that without him even telling me.
We never made it out to dinner that night.  When Kevin returned almost at midnight, I was upstairs going through some of the things I was keeping at Nick’s.  He was downstairs looking for a movie for us to watch.  At first, I stood at the bedroom door listening because I was afraid that the confrontation might continue or that Nick might be silly enough to try to explain himself to Kevin.  But men are strange when dealing with each other.  I heard some half-assed greeting from Kevin when he walked in.  Nick responded then fell silent.  I think Kevin asked him about me, then said something else.  By the time I heard Nick laugh, I moved away from the door and finished what I was doing.
The rest of the time Kevin spent in town was pretty calm.  I don’t think they ever talked about what happened that day, and I never mentioned my conversation with him to Nick.   I had learned long ago not to bad mouth a guy’s friend no matter what kind of jerk he was.  But Nick and I became the united front.  Kevin pretty much understood that his mission had failed.  If indeed he had one.  Part of me still wanted to believe that he was decent guy.  I guess Nick’s desire to believe that people were good had rubbed off on me as well.
We had a barbecue at my house the day before he left.  Laura was there, so I had to keep my feelings about Kevin to myself.  Nick looked like he had completely forgiven him.  Either that or he had accepted what Kevin had said to him.
"Well, I just want to thank you guys for showing me such a great time," Kevin said while we ate.  "I’m glad to see you’re doing so well," he told Nick.  "And I’m glad to have met you ladies. I can go back and tell the guys that he’s in good hands.  Thanks for putting up with me."
"Anytime, Kev," Nick said.  "You know where to find me now."
"Yeah," Kevin said.  "And don’t you go forgetting about us, Frack.  Call every once in awhile."
Nick smiled and nodded.
"When do you start touring again?" I asked.
"November through December.  We’re going to shoot some more videos next and probably more TV appearances," he smiled one of his rare smiles.  "Then it’s back to the grind."
"Oh, you love it," Nick told him.  "I know you do."
"I do," Kevin said.  "I don’t think I could be anything else in this world."
No one said anything to that comment.
Kevin sat up.  "Hey, I think we’re doing Austin and Dallas close to Christmas.  Why don’t you guys come visit?  You’ll be on Christmas vacation, Elisa.  Or did you guys have plans?"
I shook my head.  Nick shrugged uneasily.
"I was thinking about going home," he said.  "I haven’t been to see my parents in awhile."
"Well, look, we do Austin and Dallas, then a couple of dates through Oklahoma, then Florida.  You could make a vacation out of it and end up at home.  What do you say?"
I just looked at Nick.
"I think it would be great," piped up Laura.
Kevin looked at her.  "Oh not you.  I didn’t invite you."
"I don’t need an invitation, Kevin."
He half laughed. "No, come along.  I’d love for you to meet AJ."
"Who’s AJ?" she asked.
Nick laughed.  "I would never leave the two of them alone together in the same room.  They’d kill each other.  Or the room would blow up with all of their energy or something," he looked at me.  "What do you think?  You want to meet the guys this Christmas?"
He looked hopeful.  I was hopeful he was just trying to humor Kevin.
"Sure honey.  I think it’s great.  My sister lives in Austin.  Maybe we could visit her."
Kevin made a face. "Is she anything like this one?" he asked pointing at Laura.
Laura smiled one of her killer smiles.  "There is no other like me."
We all laughed.
I was blissfully at school when Nick took Kevin to the airport the next day.   It was none too soon for him to be gone.
 
 

We were back to settling into a routine.  Nick went back to school only part time that September.  It worried me that he wasn’t taking school seriously anymore.  He still showed up at my classroom at least once a week to read with the kids.  We spent a lot of time together talking and hanging out on the weekends.  The weeknights were full of paperwork and planning for me.  He busied himself tinkering on the piano which Kevin had sort of taught him how to play.  I noticed even then how the music was inside of him.
I often wondered how much Kevin’s visit had influenced him.  He continued to be the same loving, stable guy.  We never did go back to the restaurant where he liked to kareoke.  I guess we didn’t need to.  By early December, Kevin called him to finalize plans for our visit.
We would fly to Austin a day before the show so that we could visit my sister.  We were going to stay at the same hotel as all of the guys  who would perform the day they arrived.  We would then have a day of rest and travel on the way to Dallas, then another show.  After that, would be two more days of travel.  Then, they would perform one show after the other in Oklahoma, then a day of travel into Florida.  They had two shows to do there before ending up in Tampa.  In Tampa, we’d spend Christmas and New Year’s Eve with his family and have a couple of days to visit before coming back to El Paso just in time for school to start up again.
Nick was excited days before we even left El Paso.  He was packed almost two days in advance and was lugging along Christmas presents for his family and all of the guys.  He had failed one of the classes at the University, but it hadn’t seem to faze him.  He shrugged it off saying that  he’d just retake it that summer.  I was nervous about everything from what I would wear to what I would say.  I didn’t only have to worry about meeting the guys, but his family as well.  It was bit much for me, but I couldn’t let him see that.  He was too happy.
Laura was going to spend Christmas in Austin, so she was going to go ahead an fly with us.
"I don’t know," I told her in the airport while he was off buying magazines.  He didn’t like flying so he had to have something to read.  "I’m nervous.  What if his family hates me?  What if they think I’m too damn old."
She shook her head.  "Don’t worry about them. Didn’t you say Nick had already told them all about you?  He wouldn’t be taking you home if it wasn’t okay."
I sucked in air.  "It’s a lot to do at once. We’re supposed to travel with the guys then stay with his family.  I could do one thing well or the other, but both?  I’m scared."
She elbowed me.  Nick was in line at the shop with his magazines.  The lady in front of him was holding a baby.  The baby was laughing and cooing at him.  Nick was shaking his chubby hand.
"How can you be scared with him around?" she asked.
I didn’t answer.  Sometimes, he was what scared me most.
 
 

"This is Howie and this is AJ," Nick was saying.
Howie smiled and shook my hand.  "It’s nice to meet you.  I’m glad you and Nick could join us for a couple of days."
"Thanks," I told him. "I’m glad to be here."
AJ grinned ear to ear then looked at Nick.
"Frack, Frack, Frack," he said.  "I knew you weren’t that dizzy blonde you were always pretending to be."  He finally smiled at me.  "It’s nice to meet you.  Let me know if I can help out with anything."
I smiled back at him.  He seemed interesting enough.  "I will.  Thanks."
Nick was showing me around the backstage area.  There were huge tables with food everywhere.  Howie and AJ had been the first to arrive for the sound check.  So, that made them the first to enjoy the food.
"Follow me," AJ told me.  "I’ll show where they hide the shrimp."
I laughed, and Nick just shook his head.  Howie was talking to him about something.
AJ piled two plates high with food.  "If we don’t do this," he was saying.  "Everyone else will beat us to the good food.  Howie and I learned that lesson already.  If we want to eat, we get here early."
"Nick!  Nick!" we heard someone practically yell.
"That’s Brian," AJ informed me not even looking up.
Brian was hugging Nick so hard, I heard him cough.  Then he even tried to pick him up.
"Frick!  Man, you’re going to break your back," Nick said giggling.
"Frick?" I asked AJ.
"Oh, those were their nicknames. Frick and Frack," he shrugged.  "You know how it is, everyone has to have a nickname.  Let’s go meet Bri."
I let Howie have my plate while I watched Nick and Brian talking quickly trying to catch up without taking a breath.  I don’t think either understood what the other was saying.  And it was just funny to see how Nick towered over the short, light brown-haired guy.
Nick finally looked up at me and stopped Brian.
"Brian, Elisa is here, you have to meet her," he said putting his hand out to me.
Brian covered his eyes. "Oh, I can’t look.  I’m so excited," he said exaggerating his southern accent.
"Oh shut up and look," Nick told him.
I was laughing.
He opened his eyes.  "Hi I’m Brian," he said with a huge smile on his face.
"I’m Elisa," I said shaking his hand.  "Nice to meet you."
He shook his head seriously.  "The pleasure is all mine.  I have to straight out thank you for taking care of my little guy.  I was worried about him being out on his own.  When Kevin told me how great you were, I just stopped worrying."
"Thanks," I said.  "I think he ends up taking care of me more often than not."
"Aww, that’s cute, isn’t that cute?" Brian said going back to the thick accent.  "You’re purtty. What a purtty girlfriend you have, Frack."
Nick slipped his arms around my waist. "Thanks.  I know.  But what’s going on with you?  Where’s Leigh Ann?"
Brian shrugged.  "You know how it is.  Bumps in the road.  It’ll be okay.  She’ll be crying on the phone by Christmas Eve, or I will.  Whatever."
"Sorry to hear that," Nick said softly.
Brian just shook his head.
He leaned closer to me.  "Hey, did AJ and Howie already take all of the shrimp?"
AJ smiled at me from across the room and put his finger to his lips.
"I don’t know, Brian.  Really," I said.
They were great guys.  They readily took Nick and me in.  I liked the way they laughed and joked with each other.
Kevin strolled in half an hour later.
"Well, well," he said.  "It looks like the reunion started without me."
They all greeted him at different times.
"Hello Elisa," he said shaking my hand. "How do you like it here so far?"
"It’s great," I told him. "The guys are great."
"Yeah they are," Kevin said.  "Bunch of bozos."
Each of the guys made some kind of response to him.  AJ did it with his middle finger.
Kevin smiled at them.
"Boys, we’ve got work to do.  I think the guys are ready for the sound check," he said.
They didn’t scramble at his command.  Howie first put his plate down then disappeared to the bathroom.  Brian went to check his voice on his own since he had just gotten over a cold.  AJ sat still eating.
Nick pulled my hand.  "Let’s go watch from the seats.  I always wanted to do this."
The guys sang beautifully even without Nick.  I could hear him next to me whispering the words to the songs.  I knew he hadn’t forgotten them.  He probably never would.
After they checked the sound, the real preparations for the concert began.  Nick and I tried to stay out of the way, as the guys checked their wardrobe, stylists began working on their hair and more and more people arrived.  Many of them were thrilled to see Nick.  He introduced me to each of them as his girlfriend.  No one made a dubious face at me.  They all seemed really nice and happy to see Nick among them again.
We watched the concert from the monitors backstage. Nick wanted to sit in the audience but changed his mind when Howie asked him what he’d do if anyone recognized him.  I think he had gotten used to being alone in El Paso where it was easy to deny who he was.
The show was full of energy and great songs.  At one point of show, each of the guys got to sing a solo.
"This used to be my favorite part," Nick whispered to me.
Kevin ended up doing his solo last.  When he finished, he walked up to the microphone.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he began.  "I have a huge favor to ask of you."
The girls screamed.
"I know that for the past year, the Backstreet Boys just haven’t been complete.  Have you guys felt the same way?" he asked.
There were more cheers.
Nick tensed up next me.  "Oh shit," he said softly.
"Well, our lost little brother is back visiting with us today.  And if you guys clap and cheer really loud, maybe he’ll come out here and sing for you."
Nick gulped.  I just looked at him.
The other guys shot glances our way.
The girls screamed and yelled, then Kevin stopped them.
"Nick.  Nick.  Nick," he began clapping each time he said his name. "Nick. Nick.  Nick."
"NICK!  NICK! NICK!" echoed the girls.  "NICK! NICK! NICK!"
"Nick, you don’t have to," Brian began right away.
He looked at me, the question in his eyes.
"Honey, go.  If you want to do this, go," I said without hesitation.
"NICK!  NICK! NICK!  NICK! NICK! NICK!"
He shot out of the chair and hurried out to the stage.  The guys crowded around the monitor with me.
"NICK!  NICK! NICK!  NICK! NICK! NICK!"
There were all sorts of screams in the crowd when he stood before them.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nick Carter," Kevin said.
They cheered, clapped and screamed for him.
"Do you remember the song?" Kevin asked him.
He smiled his best, million dollar smile.  "Kev, I remember all of the songs."
The crowd roared as Nick took the microphone.  Kevin patted him on the back.
"Good evening.  It’s nice to be back," was all he said.
The easy notes of "I Need You Tonight" began as Nick adjusted the microphone.  The roar eased up until it was so quiet, that I heard Nick draw a breath before he began to sing.
By that time, I thought I had seen every expression possible cross Nick’s face and go through his body.  Watching him sing that song, I realized that I had missed out on a very important one.  He was fulfilling his dream when he sang to the massive audience.  He sang at the top of his lungs with more passion than he ever had at any kareoke.  He was like a fish back in water.
"He looks good," AJ said breaking my thoughts.
"Yeah," I said.  "He looks great."
When he finished singing, the ovation was thunderous.  Nick smiled and bowed, his eyes glowing with energy and life.
"Guys!" Kevin called to them to break us all from out daze.
"Gotta run!" Brian said.
They all hurried back onstage.  I noticed that Nick didn’t return. He actually finished up the show with them, just like any other Backstreet Boy.
He was covering his mouth when he ran off the stage and into my arms at the end of the show.
"That was a blast," he told me.  "What did you think?"
"I think you’re wonderful."
"Good show, Nick," someone said walking by.
"Thanks."
"Nick, we have some fans back here.  You up to meeting them?" Brian asked.
He smiled at me, and I let him go.
"Sure," he said. "Wait for me here, okay?"
"I’ll be here."
I sat back down and watched more people running around, this time to clean up.  Cold and hot feelings rushed over me at the same time.  I was happy for him.  I was very happy for him.  He looked thrilled.  But it was the first time he had left me alone anywhere.  I told myself it was just something he needed to do.  It was something he needed to get out of his system.
Inside of myself I knew that everything was all wrong.
He slept in really late the next day because he was so tired.  We ended up at an after party dancing the night away.  I left him snoring in the room and wandered to the hotel lobby.
"Wanna go shopping?" I heard a voice behind me.
It was AJ wearing his signature tank top and baggy jeans.  He didn’t even look tired, and he had stayed at the party even after we left.
"Are you sure you want to go out there?  There’s probably lots of fans," I told him.
He smiled.  "You really don’t know anything about me, do you?  I have a rental car.  You wanna go?"
I left Nick a message to call AJ if he needed anything.  He drove us out to mall.  I don’t really think he knew his way around Austin, but that didn’t seem to bother him.  He asked someone at the front desk for directions, and we were off.
"So, you’re a teacher," he said as we hit the freeway.  "How can you stand all of the screaming?"
I laughed.  "My kids don’t scream.  They’re second graders.  And I love it.  It’s the best job in the world.  Well, for me.  For you, yours is probably the best."
He took his eyes off the road for a second and shot me a look.  "You think?"  He chuckled.  "I don’t deny that I love what I do.  It’s a blast.  I would never do what Nick did, but hey, that’s his thing."
I shrugged ready to explain ourselves again.  "He just needed some space."
AJ laughed. "He needed lots of space.  I saw him.  He was going crazy.  You know, I don’t blame him.  I’m a couple of years older than him, but when you hit puberty a couple of years is a long time."
"Puberty?"
"Oh.  Well, you know, we’re all older.  Before the fame, we all had a chance to live a little, you know?  Kevin was engaged.  Howie went to college. I," he chuckled again.  "I did whatever I wanted. I still do. But Nick was this little kid.  He didn’t have a chance to live like we did.  I think he really needed it.  He went from a kid, to a teenager, to an adult, and his life didn’t change.  That’s not normal.  Everyone needs change."
"So, you don’t hold it against him?" I asked.
He made face. "No.  Hell no.  I respect him for taking his chances.  And doing well by it on top of that."
I took a deep breath.  "I’m glad to hear you say that.  Kevin gave us a hard time when he visited."
AJ laughed kind of hard.  "Kevin?  Kevin isn’t happy unless he’s running the show.  He doesn’t mean any harm. Whatever he said, take it with a grain of salt.  He’s probably just protecting Nick. We all tended to do that."
"Protect him from me?"
Somehow, he had found the mall and pulled into the parking lot in front of Dillards.
"From anyone," he said.  "Nick wasn’t the brightest guy in the world.  He met lots of chicks that liked him because he was famous.  And because he didn’t have any experience to fall back on, he just got hurt.  I think Kev got tired of seeing that.  Maybe he assumed you were the same way."  He shrugged.  "Just blow him off.  We like to let him think he’s in charge."
We walked into the still empty mall.  It was relatively early, so we had the whole place to ourselves.
"He insinuated that I was in it for his money," I told him with a shrug.  "But I never told Nick that.  I want him to make all of his decisions about me or Kevin on his own."
AJ nodded.  "That makes sense. He’s not that dumb.  He’s finally grown.  I think he knows not to take Kev seriously."
I shook my head.  "But he does, AJ.  He worried so much about everything Kevin said and thought about him.  And Kevin used that influence over him to make him feel guilty.  Sometimes, I think he just wants him to go back to the group."
He stopped walking and faced me.  "Really?  That’s the impression you got?"
I nodded.  "And don’t get me wrong.  I want Nick to be happy.  If he goes back with you guys," I shrugged. "Well, I’ll be sad because I’ll miss him.  He’s been an amazing part of my life.  But I would never stand in the way of his happiness.  And I know performing makes him happy."
He took a deep breath.  "Wow.  I had you figured all wrong.  I thought you were the one keeping him away.  We all did."
I shook my head.  "No.  I don’t encourage him to come back because that’s his choice, but I wouldn’t stop him.  Ever."
He half smiled at me then threw his arm around me as we started walking back down the mall.  "You are one cool girl.  Little Frack got very lucky with you."
"I got lucky with him, AJ. He’s amazing.  He’s so funny and insightful.  He cares so much about me.  I feel so protected when he’s around  He’s my best friend."
"Umm, that’s love.  And you’re willing to give it up?"
"To make him happy, yeah.  He wouldn’t be the same if he was unhappy.  We couldn’t be together then.  But you know that’s not a choice he can make with me around.  It would be like expecting him to choose to stay in El Paso with you guys around," I told him.
"Right," he said.  "But he invited you to come.  He wants to share this time with you."
I looked around.  "What if this isn’t for me?  I’m happy in my classroom with my students.  I don’t know that I could be running out of town every few weeks just to see him for twenty minutes."
"Let me ask you then," he said seriously.  "If Nick decided to stay in the group, and I’m not saying anyone has even asked him to, but if he did on his own, would you still be his girlfriend?"
I knew the answer to that question but was afraid to say it aloud.  When you say things out loud they become more real.
He interpreted my silence for me.  "No?"
I shook my head. "I couldn’t.  I’m happy at home.  I’d rather be alone than chasing him all over the world.  Or missing him when he wasn’t around.  I hate airports, I don’t like flying either or going out every day.  Have you ever had a girlfriend that could put up with your schedule?"
He shook his head.  "I’ve had girls try, though.  Couldn’t you try?"
"I promised Nick that I would try to be with him.  And I haven’t just been with him, I’ve fallen in love with him.  But he knows that I don’t think love is selfish.  I would never ask him to give up his career for me.  By the same token, I don’t think he’d ask me to do something that wouldn’t make me happy."
"Man, let me go to El Paso to find someone like you," he said.
"Thanks," I told him.  "Thanks for hearing my side.  I don’t want you guys to think I stole him from you."
He just shook his head.  "It’s okay.  I guess we all have to remember that Nick’s the one making the decisions in the end."
He ended up buying way more stuff than me.  He was really cool to spend time with and to talk to.  I think he liked to come off as aloof, but he really was nice.   He wasn’t wacky or silly.  He just seemed to enjoy talking and shopping.  And when girls started recognizing him, he was thrilled.  He signed autographs and posed for pictures until security got called in.
"Are you his girlfriend?" someone asked me and we were escorted back to the car.
"No, we’re just friends."
"Good," the girls said and went back to tell her friends.
I laughed out loud.
But inside, I was collecting all of the sensations.
The show in Dallas was pretty much the same except Nick joined them onstage from the beginning.  This time I got to watch from the audience.  I don’t think I’ll forget that night as long as I live.  When Garret used to run the university paper, I enjoyed watching him bark orders and rush to get everything done before the deadline.  He was at his best when he was totally immersed in what he loved.  The same held true for Nick fifty million times over.  Watching Nick onstage was like was like watching Superman saving the world or a bee working in its hive.  It was so perfect and so right.  I don’t think he missed a step that night with the guys, though he had been away for so long.  I was very proud of him.  I knew the air of confidence that he carried and the big smile that covered his face all night were hard won.  I had been there for the battle.
The after party was held at a huge Dallas club.  The guys and their guests had the VIP room to themselves.  We were together most of the night, dancing, we drinking and hanging out with the other guys and their girlfriends.  Brian was still flying solo so Nick kept him close so he wouldn’t feel lonely, I guess.
It wasn’t long though, before we were happily dancing in a corner of the club, then happily just making out.  We made out for a really long time.  Because we both had our own places, it was strange to do it in front of so many people.  I think the fact that we’d been drinking had lowered our inhibitions again.
"I love you so much," he was saying between kisses.
"I love you too," I said pulling him closer to me.
He laughed and stopped talking.
We continued kissing until we heard someone clearing his throat behind Nick. We both turned.  It was Brian.
"Sorry to interrupt, Frack," he said with a laugh.  "But there are some radio contest winners in the main club that we’re supposed to meet."
I wiped Nick’s chin and he kissed my finger.
"Well, can’t I catch up with you?" he asked.  "I’ll be right there."
"Well, I’d say yes except we’ve already been down there awhile without you."
Nick nodded and looked down to me.  "Don’t go anywhere," he said.  "I’ll be right back."
I shook my head. "Don’t worry.  I’ll be right here."
I went to the bathroom to replace my lipstick.  I think I probably got another drink, then ended sitting at the bar chatting with the bartender.
I hadn’t even realized how much time had passed until AJ appeared at my side.
"Hey Elisa girl.  Want a drink?" he asked.
I shook my head.  "I’ve had enough.  Actually, I’m getting kind of tired.  Aren’t you?"
He shook his head and eyed the bar maid.  "Nah-uh.  The night’s young, and now that the whole fan thing is out of the way, I can concentrate on enjoying myself.  Hey, Nick sure did have a lot to drink didn’t he?"
I shrugged.  "He still doesn’t drink much, so whatever he ingests goes right to his head.  Why?"
"He and Bri were just being very silly right now.  Silly even for them."
"Did you say the fan thing was over?" I asked wondering why I still without my boyfriend.
"Yeah.  Awhile ago, actually. Kevin and his girlfriend already took off.  Howie’s back up here now.  I was just talking to my mom about tomorrow.  I think Nick’s down there keeping Brian company because he liked one of the girls."
I nodded.  "Oh."
"They’re not dancing or anything," he said.  "Too much."
I just looked at him.
"Don’t worry about it.  Nick’s totally in love and obsessed with you.  He’s just helping Brian out.  Besides, we’re obligated to keep our fans happy," he said with a smile and took a sip from his drink.
"I’m not jealous," I said quickly.  "I think I’m just so used to spending all of my free time with him.  And these last few days, I’ve seen him less than when I’m teaching."
"Perils of life on the road," AJ said. "It’s hard keeping a relationship out here."
I nodded and then just shook my head.  "I miss him, you know?  It sounds funny because here we are traveling together, but it doesn’t feel like he’s mine anymore.  He’s not just my best friend here.  He’s something huge that people expect a lot from."
AJ raised his eyebrows.  "You’ve only been here three days, and you already got all of that.  Man, you’re one smart girl.  It takes most girlfriends a few weeks and about half a dozen hissy fits."
"I don’t have hissy fits," I told AJ seriously.  "Usually, I just walk away."
His eyes widened.  "What?"
"Nothing.  I’m just tired.  Don’t listen to me."
"Look, I know how you’re feeling, but don’t do anything crazy just yet.  Nick’s barely feeling back into the swing of things.  Give him some time."
I was feeling brave.  "Will you be honest with me if I ask you a question?"
"I’m always honest."
"Is it always like this?  Is this what you’re life is like?  You rehearse, you perform, you party, you meet fans?  Is this what you do all the time?"
AJ rubbed his chin.  "Honestly?  Yeah.  This is what we do, Elisa."
I nodded.  "Thanks."
He watched me for a little while.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
I nodded.  "Sure.  I’m fine."
 
 

The next day, on the drive to Tulsa I ended up sitting on the bus talking to AJ again because Nick was so tired all he could do was sleep.  When he wasn’t asleep, he spent all of his time with Brian.  I was no way going to even try to take that away from him.  I was glad to have made a friend among them in AJ, though.  Kevin still intimidated and angered me.  Brian was sweet, but he was so close to Nick I felt a need to give them their space.  Howie was quiet, but polite.  At least AJ would talk to me and find time to hang out with me.
Most of the time, they were busy, and I was bored. I had no business cruising the countryside with these guys.  I saw less and less of Nick everyday.  We shared a hotel room and a bed but never had much time to ourselves.
The second city in Oklahoma had me fried.
He was running around getting ready for the sound check.
"Aren’t you coming?" he asked when he saw me sitting on the bed watching TV instead of getting ready.
"No, you go ahead. I’ll sit this one out."
"What?  Why?  Come on!"
I shook my head. "I’m tired of traveling.  I want to get a good night’s sleep."
"But Elisa, I want you there.  Don’t you want to watch me sing?"
"I already saw you sing in Tulsa, in Dallas, and in Austin.  Is the show going to be different?"
He stopped and looked at me.  He sat in front of me on the bed.
"Okay.  What’s going on?"
"Nothing, honey," I said trying to sound light.  "I just want to stay here tonight."
He peeled those eyes at me.  He wasn’t buying it.
"Please tell me.  I’m going to get worried if you don’t and assume some really bad things," he said.
"Like what?"
"That you’re not happy here. That something happened.  You’ve been hanging out with AJ a lot.  Has he--?"
I cut him off.  "AJ is really nice.  At least he talks to me.  I don’t feel lonely when he’s around," I said regretting the words the second I uttered them.
Nick’s face changed.  "You feel lonely?  Do you think I’m ignoring you?  What’s going on?"
I shook my head.  "No.  Nothing, Nick.  I’m just tired.  Don’t listen to me.  Go to the show.  You’re having such a good time.  You look so happy all the time now."
He widened his eyes.  "Well, I am happy.  I’m having a great time.  Listen, it’s only a couple of days until we hit Florida.  We can spend more time together there."
I nodded.  "I know, honey.  Don’t worry."
"I wish you were going with me tonight."
"I’m sorry.  I’m just tired, really," I said feeling the lie choke me.
"Okay.  I won’t stay for the after party today.  I’ll come straight here."
I shook my head.  "No.  Go enjoy yourself.  You need to do this.  It’s good for you.  I’ll be fine."
He brushed his lips with mine, but I didn’t kiss him back.  He sat back on the bed and watched me for a second.  I looked away.  All I wanted was for him to leave.  I needed him to get away from me so I could do what I knew I should have done in Dallas.
After he closed the door behind him, I called the airport to get a plane ticket back to El Paso.  It didn’t take me long to pack and decide to forget anything that I might have left on the bus.
I found some hotel stationery and sat down to write him a letter.  I wasn’t even sure where to begin.  Strangely enough for me, I decided to be honest.
Dear Nick,
Please don’t hate me.  I’m not leaving you as much as going back to where I need to be and giving you the chance to do what you need to do.  I see you onstage, with the guys, on the bus, and I see that this life calls you back.  When you’re singing, you answer that call and all you say is yes.  Give this place and the guys a chance the same way you gave me and El Paso a chance.  I’m not angry with you or even breaking up with you.  (But I’ll understand if you never want to see me again.)  I just want you make sure you have chosen what you really want and not what you think you or I need.  It’s a year later.  You’re a year older.  Keep you head high and who you are will carry you through.  If all else fails, use your looks.
I love you very much and thank you for everything that you have put into my life.  If you ever need me, or decide to come back, you know where to find me.  You will always be my best friend.
Love,
Elisa
I called a cab and hurried out of the hotel without looking back.
I knew I would be alone for Christmas and New Year’s because Laura was in Austin still and I didn’t want to ruin her holidays.  Nick never called.  He didn’t write.  For the first time, since Daniel, I found myself empty inside.  I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat.  I just watched TV, and cried.  I wasn’t crying for Nick because I knew it was my choice to leave him.  But I cried for myself because no matter what happened I ended up alone.
And as luck would have it, I watched a lot of MTV.  One day after talking about Marilyn Manson a picture of Nick appeared next to Kurt Loder’s face.
"And on a lighter note," he said that familiar inch of sarcasm in is voice.  "Missing Backstreet Boy Nick Carter has decided to permanently rejoin his band mates.  Carter joined the boys for a few dates in Texas and has decided to stay on to complete the Christmas leg of the tour through Florida.  Here’s what Nick had to say about his return."
"It’s great to be back," he was saying smiling at the camera.  Brian and Kevin were sitting on either side of him.  "I missed singing, and I missed the guys.  It feels like I’m home."
"Aww," gushed Brian.
Nick just smiled.
"Is it a permanent return?" the off camera reporter asked.
He nodded, though tentatively, "It feels permanent right now."
I burst into tears, but it served me right.  I left him a note, and he let me know on MTV.
When I got back to school, it was my students who got me through the hardest days.  There was so much we needed to do that I didn’t have time to dwell on my sadness.  Well, I dwelled a lot on the weekends but Laura tried to keep my spirits up.  She hadn’t said much which was unusual for her.  I fully expected her to insult Nick and call me stupid.
I took care of his house going by at least once a week.  I made sure everything was locked and that the plants were watered.  It was so empty without him.  Sometimes, I’d just sit on the kitchen floor and cry much as he had.  I missed him so much.  But I had to remind myself that what I wanted was his happiness.  It was the only thing that really mattered.
It was a cold Friday afternoon in early February when I was checking the house that the Durango drove up.  We had left it in the airport when we went to Austin nearly two months prior.  I felt like deer in the headlights as I listened to the truck’s doors open, then close and the voices of men.
I sucked in air and started toward the front door.  Nick was letting Kevin and AJ in.  I stood still fully expecting a disaster.
"Neat house," AJ said, then saw me.  He jaw dropped.  "Uh, hi Elisa."
Kevin and Nick’s heads snapped to face me.  I braced myself.  Nick looked horrified.  He opened his mouth as if to say something then seemed to change his mind.  He covered his face and walked backwards to the door then stepped out of the house.
Kevin watched me.  He sucked in air and started toward me.  I could practically  see the acidic words forming in his mouth.
I crossed my arms in preparation for the verbal vomit.
"Don’t you say anything to her," Nick said hurrying back in.  "You have nothing to say to her, Kevin."
I sucked on my lip and looked from one to the other not knowing what to do.  AJ looked worried.
"I was just making sure the plants didn’t die," I said more softly than I meant to.  "I’ll go now."
"Good idea," Kevin said.
"Shut the fuck up," Nick told him. "Don’t say anything to her."
I walked around the coffee table without looking up, yet trying to focus on the door.
I felt AJ touch my arm as I passed him, but I couldn’t even look at him.  I still had to walk past Nick.  He stood in the doorway.
"Excuse me," I told him not looking up.
He didn’t budge.  I tried to squeeze through, but he pushed his weight against the frame and almost squashed me.
"Jesus Nick, let her go," I heard AJ say stepping toward us.
Somewhere, Kevin half laughed.  "I’ll be outside shooting baskets. Let me know when the melodrama is over," he said heading for the back door.
I looked over at AJ, and he tried to smile but just ended up looking at Nick.
"I’ll be outside with Kev," AJ said in the softest tone I’d ever heard from him.
I stepped back and was about to start for the kitchen too thinking that I could get out that way, when Nick grabbed my arm and not gently.
I wrenched it away from him.
"Don’t yank me," I told him seriously.
He looked down at me, and I finally met his gaze.  His eyes were cold toward me for the first time.
I just shook my head.
"Why don’t you just let me go, Nick?  I shouldn’t have been here.  Just let me get out of your way."
"Again?" he asked.  "Didn’t you already do that once?"
I moved away from him.
"Okay, so let me have it, so I can get out here," I said finally.  "Tell me what you’re holding so tightly inside of yourself that you look like you hate me."
He shook his head and closed the door.  "I don’t hate you, Elisa.  I could never hate you.  As a matter of fact, I thank you.  I thank you for letting me see what I should be doing with my life.  For making it very clear that I belong on the road with the guys.  It’s the happiest place on Earth."
"Don’t be sarcastic.  It’s doesn’t fit you," I said.
"What do you want me to be?  Happy?  Shit," he said under his breath.
"Look, I didn’t know what else to do.  You were so happy.  You looked like you had found your calling once again--."
"Found my calling?" he said interrupting me.  "I didn’t know that I had lost it."
"If you’re not going to listen to me, let me go.  Please.  Please.  Please let me go," I heard myself beg.  "Just let me go, Nick."
He leaned against the door and let his tall frame slide down until he was sitting down on the floor.  He ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath.  He rubbed his eyes then his cheeks like he was trying to wake himself up.
"You abandoned me," he said.  "You just ran out on me in the night like I was some one night stand.  How do you think I felt when I got back and you were gone?  When I had to explain myself again to the guys?  When I got to my mom’s house alone, and she was expecting to meet you?  How do you think I felt to know that after all this time, it was you who walked away from me?"
I sat on the arm of the couch.  "I just beat you to it, Nick.  Is that why you resent me?  We both know this wasn’t going to work.  You were happy being back with the guys.  You were ready to return to--."
"How do you know that?" he asked his voice rising.  "How do you know I was ready to go back?"
"It was written all over your face.  I had never seen you so happy.  It was almost like you were a choking goldfish that someone dumped back in the tank at the very last second.  Do you think I would take that away from you?  Never, Nick.  And as long as I was there, you were going to have an excuse not to take a chance and do what you love.  It was in this very house that you told me I was afraid of the unknown.  Well, you know what?  So are you.  You’re afraid of being miserable.  Well, every once in awhile everyone is miserable.  It’s part of life.  But you can deal with it now.  It doesn’t have to be the same thing."
"We could have talked about it.  You didn’t have to sneak out on me, Elisa.  I still can’t believe you did that."
Though I didn’t think I could cry over him anymore, my tears formed quickly.
"I had to," I said right away.  "Don’t you see that if I didn’t do that, you never would have made choice."
"You didn’t leave me much of choice."
I shook my head.  "You’re already twenty years old.  The choices are always yours.  You could have come back.  You could have just gone somewhere else.  You rejoined the group because you wanted to, because it makes you happy.  Why don’t you just admit it?"
He closed his eyes and shook his head.
I pulled myself away from the couch and started toward him.  I hated seeing him upset.  No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I needed to be away from him, I couldn’t bare to see him upset.
I put my hands on his knees and squatted down to his level.  He flinched at my touch then looked up at me.  His eyes softened when he saw the tears in mine.
"I miss you all the time.  I miss your friendship especially and the fact that we could talk about anything," I told him honestly.  "I want to tell you all about the kids and how they’re doing.  I wish you could see them reading and writing as well as they are.  I went to see your viejitos too.  They all miss you.  One time, Mary and I sat and cried for you all afternoon."  I shook my head and wiped my eyes.  "I think she was crying to see me upset.  But she still misses you, too."
"I miss you too," he said.  "I hug my pillow at night and wake up every morning hoping it’s you.  I want to talk to you about so many things.  I get alone great with everyone, even Kevin.  Everything is different now.  I feel like a different person."
"Good honey," I said. "I knew you’d be able to handle it now.  But I can’t handle it.  I can’t handle missing you.  I can’t stand thinking that you’re not here.  It hurts too much.  It’s just better that we leave each other.  You need to do what makes you happy.  I need to be alone for awhile."
"But you make me happy," he said softly.  "I was happiest when I was with you."
I shook my head.  "You were happiest when you were onstage.  I saw you.  Tell me honestly, that’s not what you want."
He didn’t answer.
I wiped away my tears.  "See.  Why did you come back here?  To pack?"
He nodded wordlessly.
"Then you’ve made your choice, Nick.  I think you made it that first night in Austin whether you want to admit it or not."
I stood up and looked down at him.
"I think you’d better just let me go now," I said, so calmly that it surprised me.  "It’s just going to get harder for both of us if you don’t."
He sat very still for what seemed like a long time and didn’t look up.  Finally, he just scooted away from the door.  I stepped over him and walked out.  On my to my car, I could hear Kevin and AJ shooting hoops and laughing.
I probably cried that entire night and the following day.  My whole body hurt from all the meals I had skipped and the tears I had cried.  I knew just to let it go.  Whenever I suppressed my emotions, I just ended up hurting myself.
Laura left me alone which was for the better.  I don’t even think that I could have faced her.  She’d stop by my room to ask if I was okay then just walk away shaking her head.  She knew there was nothing she could do.
"Someone named AJ just called you," she said early Sunday morning.
"What did he want?" I asked not raising my head.
"He said to tell you that they were leaving on the 7PM flight to Houston on American Airlines today if you wanted to say good-bye."
"Today?"
"Yeah," she said. "Do you want me to go with you?"
"No," I told her.  "I’ll probably go alone."
"Okay," she said.  "Let me know if you change your mind."
I didn’t change my mind.  By five thirty I had showered and fixed myself up to go to the airport.  All of my clothes were bigger on me already.  It was better to get it all over with before I made myself sick.
"He was really bad when he saw that you had gone," AJ was saying while Kevin stood in line with Nick to check in.  "I had never seen him that upset. Every night after that, he’s cried during his solo. I knew why you had done it, and I tried to explain it to him, but he wouldn’t listen."
I nodded.  "Thanks for talking to him.  I should have done it myself.  I was just too afraid to do it."
"It’s okay," he said.  "Look, everyone gets heartbroken," he said patting his chest.  "It’s good for the soul.  Besides, you know you couldn’t have lived with it. Both of you would have been miserable.  And it gave us all a chance to be there for him.  So, I think he feels more comfortable around us now."
I nodded.  "Well, I’m glad something good came of it," I turned to him.  "AJ, take care of him.  I know he has Brian, but I feel I trust you more.  Just, just make sure that he’s okay.  Don’t let him get lonely or gloomy.  That’s really bad for him. And don’t let Kevin get to him, please."
He was nodding.  "Sure.  I’d be happy to keep an eye on him for you.  Do you want me to call you or something?"
I shook my head.  "No thanks.  It would hurt too much to hear about him.  But hold on to my number in case he ever needs it.  Okay?"
"Yeah.  No, don’t worry.  I will."
Nick and Kevin were coming back.
"We can get on the plane now, Bone," Kevin said.
"Okay," AJ said. "Let’s go.  Elisa, it was great seeing you again.  Take care of yourself, girl.  You’re looking kind of skinny there."
We stood up, and he hugged me.
"Bye AJ.  Thanks," I told him.
They started for the gate, but Nick hung back.
"I’ll be right there," he told them not looking up at any of us.
"Okay Frack.  Take your time," Kevin told him and walked away without even glancing at me.
I turned to Nick.  His face was red and his eyes swollen from crying.  I touched his arm and sucked in air.
"It’s for the best," I told him.  "It’ll be okay."
He sniffled.  "I know.  I wrote you letter because there are so many things I want to say, but I didn’t think I’d remember all of them.  I want to read it to you, but I don’t know if I’ll make it all the way through."
I nodded. "It’s okay.  Let’s sit down."
As he sat down, he unfolded a crumpled piece of paper and cleared his throat.
"Dear Elisa," he began.  "I wanted to write all of this down to make sure that I got it right.  First of all, I want to say thank you for everything that you’ve done for me since we met.  I don’t think either one of us knew what we were in for when you took me home from the OP that night.  Thanks for feeding me, listening to me, for giving me a chance and for trying to have something with me.  I know it was hard for you to trust a guy again, but I’m glad you chose me.  I hope I didn’t let you down too much.  I didn’t think falling in love was going to be this way.  I thought it would be easy and fun all of the time.  I thought it was a perfect state where nothing ever went wrong.  But I see now, thanks to you, that love means sacrifice, compromise and knowing how to be unselfish," he stopped to get his bearings.  I touched his face and he leaned into my palm for a second.  He cleared his throat and went back to the letter. "It’s the biggest lesson that you taught me.  So, if you can let me go to be happy, then I have to let you go and be happy," he stopped and just covered his face with his hands.
I pulled him into my arms and held him as tight as I could.  He crumpled up the letter and put it into my hand.
"I can’t do this," he said trying to compose himself.  "Just read it later."
"Okay."
He stood up and grabbed his carry on stuff.  The guys were still at the gate watching us.  They turned around when they saw Nick stand.
He pulled me into his arms and hugged me very tightly.
"I love you," he said.  "I will probably always love you.  You are my best friend."
"I love you too," I said dreading to let go.  "You are my best friend."
I felt him suck in air, kiss my hair and then let go.
I took one step away from him, and he looked at me one last time.
"I’ll never forget you, Elisa," he said echoing the words he uttered in Las Cruces.  "Thank you."
I brushed my tears away. "Thank you, honey.  Good-bye."
He half smiled.  "Good-bye."
I watched him join the guys at the gate.  AJ waved to me and I waved back.  Kevin threw his arm around Nick’s shoulders and they disappeared down the tunnel.
I sat back down because for the first time, I was going to watch a plane take off. I unfolded my wrinkled letter and continued to read.
"I didn’t understand why you left me that night.  But now, after thinking about everything we’ve both been through, I know you did it because you love me.  And I’m going to accept that gift from you.  Please accept these words from me:  You are a beautiful and wonderful woman worthy only of the a man of great courage, great heart and a great mind.  I wish I was that man.  But since I’m not, I have to tell you, do not ever settle for anything else.  When I was packing my things, this song called "You’re Gone" came on the radio.  The man in the song said that this great woman was leaving him, but that he thanked God for the time they spent together.  I also thank God for you.  You helped to save me just like the woman in the song saved the man.  So, just to end this letter where it began, I have say thank you.  I love you.  I will always love you.  You are my best friend.  If you ever need me, call the number on the back of this letter.  I’ll come running, no matter what.  By the way, I took my panic whistle with me.  Listen for it because I might just need you.
Love, Nick
I had to laugh as I put my letter away.  The rest of the passengers had finished boarding, so I moved to the window and leaned against the cool glass.  I watched the plane as it backed away and headed down the runway.  It rushed down the road full speed ahead, lifted up into the air effortlessly then disappeared.
"Good-bye, honey," I said softly before I turned and walked away.