"Don’t go," he said reaching for me as I started off the bed.
"I’d better," I said. "Things have gone too far already."
"Too far where? What do you mean?"
I didn’t even want to look at him. Looking at him never let me think straight.
"I can’t be doing this with you, Nick. Not with you. We made a decision not to be together, and things have not changed. They are still the same. You’re still you. I’m still me. And we--."
He pulled on me a bit harder, with more desperation, more conviction. "We still belong together," he said. "Didn’t all this time that we spent together tonight prove that to you? Didn’t this prove that to you?" He looked around the messy bed. "I know why you said you can’t be doing this with me. It’s because you still care. If you didn’t care or if I was someone else, then you wouldn’t have stopped."
I wrested my wrist out of his hold, uncomfortable that he knew me so well. "Honey, just let me go, please. Please? It was hard enough to let go first time when we met, then the second time that Christmas was hell. I thought I was going to die. I spent days on my couch crying for you. I can’t do this again. I can’t go back to what cannot be."
He was silent, and I saw his lower lip disappear under his teeth. But he watched me. His bright blue eyes had gained another dimension to them in a year: adulthood.
"Bye," I said and scooped up my shoes and headed for the door in one motion.
"Elisa, don’t--," I heard him call after me, but I was faster.
I brushed my hand through my hair and adjusted my skirt and blouse as I headed to the elevator through the almost deserted hallway. The tall bodyguard eyed me as I pushed the down button and then slipped on my thick-heeled shoes.
This was nuts. I couldn’t even believe I was here.
"You gonna be okay getting home alone?" The bodyguard’s voice startled me. "You want me to call a cab before you get downstairs? There might be fans down there and if they saw you with Nick..."
I smiled finishing the sentence in my mind. They’d figure out who I was. They’d figure out what I was doing with him. They might what? Throw rotten eggs at me?
"It’s okay," I said. "No one saw us. It’s no big deal."
He smiled awkwardly, like he didn’t know what to say. "You’re that girl, right? That Texas girl? The one that--."
He was cut off by Nick who was coming down the hallway at us. "Elisa, hang on. Where do you think you’re going? What do you think you’re doing?"
The elevator opened in front of me, and I stepped in. "Back to my hotel. I’m going to call Daniel and pretend this never happened, that I never saw you again," I said honestly. I never had to lie to him before.
"How far are you going to get without this?" he asked holding my bag out to me just as the doors started to close. I think the guard pressed the button, so they opened up again. Nick laughed. "You forgot your purse.  Unless you’re letting me keep it?" he asked with a smile. "I don’t have anything that matches with it."
I laughed as well, losing all the seriousness that I was trying to muster and stepped back out. "Sorry. I was in such a hurry that I didn’t even notice."
Nick looked up at the guard then down at me. "I’ve never had anyone hurry out of my room before, Mike. They’re usually hurrying inside."
He laughed. "Watch your mouth Nicky, if you want her to come back."
I chuckled taking my small purse out of his hands. "It’s your business, whatever you do. Just remember to be careful, okay?"
"Elisa," he protested. "I don’t do that. I don’t mess around. Are you crazy? Can you imagine me bringing girls back to the hotels? In every city? All the gossip that would follow me around?"
"All the babies?" the guard added.
They laughed, and I had to laugh as well. Nick hadn’t changed that much. He wasn’t that grown up. His dusty blond eyelashes seemed longer than I remembered. Or maybe I could just see them better in the brightly-lit hallway.
"You really gonna pretend this never happened?" he asked suddenly in a serious tone. "Can you do that?"
The guard turned on his heel and started walking slowly down the hall and away from our conversation.
I looked at the fancy pattern on the floor and thought about how the one in our hotel was just blue.
"Hey?" Nick asked. "Are you?"
"I can’t do that," I said looking at him finally. "You know that I can’t. I mean, I’m not that kind of girl, and I can’t ignore my feelings for you. They’re still there."
He took a step closer to me, and I realized he was barefoot.
"Your shoes," I said remembering the last time that thought had struck me. When he had broken a glass in his kitchen and cut his hand because Kevin had made him upset. Upset because he didn’t belong in my world, and I didn’t belong in his.
"I’m fine," he said with a shrug.
He was looking at me. He hadn’t stopped looking at me the entire night. My hair, my eyes, my mouth, and he always went back to my hair.
"Nick," I began not knowing how that sentence was going to end.
"Don’t," he said ducking in front of my face. "Don’t go. Don’t go back. You still have the rest of the week. I have a break starting the day after tomorrow, and we could hang out. We could do stuff, whatever you wanted. I mean, why not?"
"Because I’m in a relationship? Because I’m supposed to be at a conference? Because we already left each other once before, right?"
He shook his head. "That was the past. This is now. I know that I spent a lot of time thinking about you. Thinking about what would happen when I found myself standing right here."
He gently swept my hair off my shoulder. The touch sent goose bumps right through me.
"So did I," I admitted. "But I didn’t think that I’d cheating on someone when this happened. That I’d be unfaithful. That I’d be lying."
Nick looked at me. I knew that he was looking for the right words, the ones that would make me stay. The ones that would make me forget about Daniel and my guilt.
I gazed back at those too blue eyes, that incredible mouth that never let me think straight and only knew one thing. By then, I knew that nothing could make me go.
I glanced back at the elevator. The doors had closed, and it was long gone.
"There won’t be another one until tomorrow," he grinned putting his hand out to me. "C’mon. We can just sit up and talk or get some room service. Okay? That’s all. I promise. I swear."
What made him think that I wanted that promise?
It was because he knew me. He knew that I took my faults seriously, and sleeping with him the first day would be a big one.
I took his hand, and we headed back to his huge, fancy room.
Too many things had happened in the last twenty-four hours for me to understand what I was doing. I was supposed to be in Baltimore, Maryland for an education conference not sitting with Nick in his room. It was the first weekend of spring break, and I had planned on spending the rest of the week with Daniel. Daniel. One glance at my watch showed it was nearly one a.m. I had promised him I’d call by midnight my time. It would have been ten in El Paso. He was going to wonder where I was. What I was doing.
"Wanna watch TV?" Nick asked sitting down next to me.
This time, I stayed on the couch and far away from the bed.
"Not really."
"Wanna sleep? You can have the bed," he offered brightly.
I shook my head.
"Want something to eat? We can--."
"Nick, what am I doing here?" I asked. "You should have just let me go."
He shrugged. "The elevator’s gone, and now you can’t--."
"Nick."
He laughed. "Okay. Okay, what are you doing here? You’re keeping me company. You’re catching up with me."
"Didn’t we already catch up today? I told you all about Daniel. You told me all about your party days."
He chuckled. "Party days. You say it like I spend every night in the club. I’ve just been doing the single guy thing. I didn’t go from one relationship into another one." He elbowed me. "Like you."
I looked at him.
"What?" he asked. "You did, right?"
"I’ve been with Daniel for three months, Nick. You left for good in February, and that’s over a year ago."
"But you’ve known that guy for years. That’s the guy that you told me about. I remember. You guys used to party together, and then things got sexual, but he ended up with someone else."
I looked at him. "Got sexual?"
He smiled and squeezed in closer to me. Suddenly, he was that silly eighteen year old I met drunk in a gay bar. "Okay, well whatever you prefer to call it. But that’s what happened, right?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
He sat back up. "You’re with him, and it’s serious, huh? You wouldn’t have taken him back otherwise. Didn’t you hate him?"
"Hate’s a strong word," I said pulling his big hand into mine. "I don’t hate anyone."
"But you did, Elisa. I remember. He’s the guy that made you all bitter. The one that made me work harder than--."
"Hey," I stopped him. "Your security guard is right. You do need to watch your mouth."
"Sorry," he said squeezing my hand. "I was just telling it like it is. You made things very hard for me. You made me work."
"I didn’t make you--."
"Yeah you did. For everything. For a chance, for a date, for your trust. Now that I’m just dating, I see how easy it is. How quickly people get involved in no time. No questions asked. Instant trust provided."
"Is that what you want? Instant trust? Like instant oatmeal?"
He smiled. "No. I liked working. It was all worthwhile in the end. Right?" He looked up at me.
For all his work, he had broken down my walls. He had convinced me to try to have a relationship when I had already given up on them.
"Every second was worthwhile," I said returning his gaze. "Every single one."
He smiled and leaned his head on my shoulder. "Glad you’re back." He closed his eyes.
I was crazy. I had to be the craziest girl in the whole world.
I stared at the images on the television as I remembered how I ended up here. Back with Nick.
"I’ll call you when I get back from wherever Josie’s dragging me off to. It’s a two hour difference from home," I had promised Daniel earlier that night when we were settled in our hotel room in Baltimore. "We’ll probably come back around midnight, and that’ll barely be ten your time."
"Okay," he said. "I’ll be up. But call, okay."
"I will," I said looking out the window at the darkening harbor. It was very chilly out there, and I was already wishing I hadn’t told Josie I’d go out with her.
"If you don’t, your Backstreet Boys stuff bites it," he said with a laugh. "I’ll chuck it out the window. All of it.  Then I‘ll go run over it with my truck."
I rolled my eyes. He acted like I collected memorabilia like a love-struck teenager. I just liked to keep up with Nick.
"Yeah," I told him tired of his empty threats. "Sure."
"I’m serious--."
"Let’s go! Let’s go!" Josie shouted coming into the room. She had been checking out the fancy hotel down the street from us. "Something’s going on over there. The bar is packed, and there’s security all over the place."
"I’d better go," I told Daniel. "Talk to you soon."
"Bye," he said.
I looked up at Josie as I replaced my earring. "Maybe there was a shooting down there."
"No!" she said excitedly. "C’mon! Maybe someone famous is down there. C’mon!"
That’s all she ever said to me. C’mon. C’mon. Like I was going to stay behind.
I changed quickly into a skirt and a blouse and followed her to the fancy hotel bar. She was right. It was packed, and though they were letting people in, a whole section of the bar was being used by a small group of people, leaving the rest of us to jockey for bar stools and tables.
Josie and I found two stools at the bar and ordered drinks.
"Hi," she said making eyes at the blond bartender. "How are you?"
Of course, he smiled. "Fine. Yourself?"
"Great," she said. "We’re here for a conference. We’re from Texas."
Great, I thought facing away from them and into the crowd. She was going to tell everyone in the whole world about us. What we were doing there. That we were single. Well, that she was single.
I craned my neck to see if I could figure out what was happening at the other side of the bar.
"Want me to check it out?" Josie asked leaning closer to me. "Brad says it’s some rock band."
"Who’s Brad?"
"The bartender," she informed. "I’m gonna go look. Maybe they’ll invite us over to their table."
"Josie!" I called after, but she had swaggered away and did not fail at her mission. Before I knew it, she was taking me back to the table. Back to Nick’s table. Back to all their table.
"Hey," she greeted with a smile.
"You’re back," AJ grinned. "And you brought..." He dropped off, probably because he recognized me. I tried to smile. Tried to seem natural though I was so shocked that my hands had instantly gone cold. I found myself trying to keep my breathing normal and smile at the same time.
"What?" Josie asked confused. "You two know each other?"
One by one, the other guys had caught on to the intrusion at their table. Kevin looked up from his conversation with a blonde woman and Brian. Howie had been busy talking to Nick, but he looked up at us too. Nick was shuffling through some papers, but finally looked up as well.
My mouth was dry. Immediately.
"Elisa?" he asked surprised, eyes wide. "What are you...? I mean, when did you...? I mean..."
"Hey Nick," I said as easily as I could. AJ was already laughing, cracking up even before Nick was able to stand.
"You two know each other?" Josie repeated now referring to Nick who was finally making his way around the table.
"Hey," he said. "Hey hi."
"Hi," I said.
All I could hear was AJ’s laughter and Josie’s questions.
"They know each other?" she said plopping down next to AJ. "Really?"
"It’s so nice to see you," he said finally and pulled me into his arms. "Oh my God."
I laughed from his chest. "That’s exactly what I was thinking. Oh my God."
I heard a few more laughs and bits of conversation from the table. They finally seemed to pull their attentions away from us.
"What are you doing here?" he had asked. "I mean, in town? I saw that girl come up to our table and talk to Jay. He just talks to everyone, but I never thought that you...that she would bring you."
"I never thought this was your table," I said finally letting go of him. "She’s just looking for someone famous. She’s just being Josie. We’re here for a conference. And you? Are you performing?"
"In DC tomorrow. But we’re staying here in Baltimore so that no one knows. The fans think we’re rolling into to town tomorrow, but we’ve been here since last night. We have two shows in DC." He smiled. "Maybe you can go."
I nodded. "Yeah, I’d like that."
"You guys okay?"
We both turned to the table at Brian’s question.
He smiled. "You guys over the shock? You’re just going to stand there the rest of the night?"
Nick laughed and took my hand. "No. No c’mon, let’s sit down. You can stay, right?" he asked looking behind me.
"Yeah," I said. "Of course."
"You remember the guys, right?"
"Hey Elisa girl!" AJ greeted and got out of his chair. He pushed it next to Nick’s then took another one from an empty table and sat down. "How are you?"
I touched his shoulder on my way to sit down. "Great. I’m doing fine. Thanks. Yeah, I remember everyone. How are you guys?"
"Doing good," Howie said with a smile. "Not as good as Nicky looks like he’s doing now. But good."
Nick laughed.
"Yeah, we’re doing great. Let me introduce you to Kristin. She’s Kevin wife," Brian had said. "I think Kev’s as stunned as Nick to see you."
The blonde laughed and sat forward to shake my hand. "I’m Kristin. Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you. Congratulations on the wedding," was all I could say because I wasn’t sure how Kevin was going to react to me. We had never had the best relationship.
"I’m not stunned. I’m fine. How are you?" Kevin asked with a smile. "It’s nice to see you again."
"Nice to see you, too." I glanced over at Josie and AJ who were watching us with the biggest smiles. "How’d you end up over here, Jo?" I asked.
She grinned and scooted closer to AJ. "I laid on eyes on him. Who could resist?"
AJ threw an arm around her as Nick shook his head. He turned to me, and I realized that I hadn’t let go of his hand.
"How are you?" he asked more quietly now. "How are you, really?"
"I’m great. Working, you know? I got tickets to your show in Austin, but that’s not until May, right?"
He nodded. "You got tickets?"
"My sister lives there, remember? So that’s where I decided to go."
"I was thinking about sending you some, but I didn’t know what you’d think," he said.
"Why?"
"We never kept in touch, Elisa. I mean, I haven’t seen you since, since... since... Well, since I left. I didn’t know if you’d want to go or what."
"I’m going," I said. "I’ve bought your CD’s since then. Now I’m a big fan."
"Now?" he laughed. "That’s funny. You’re still teaching?"
I nodded. "I’m on spring break. It’s our first weekend, and the principal asked us to come to the conference. I leave on Monday and have the rest of the week to myself."
He nodded. "We have a break after the DC shows too. We’re taking a couple of weeks just to rest because we know better than to rush through tours. Everyone’s healthier if we take our time. I think I’ll just go home."
"To Tampa?"
He nodded. "To Tampa. I could use some sleep and some time at home."
"... calling it a night now, guys." Brian, Kevin and Kristin were getting up. "It sure was nice seeing you again. Are you going to be around?" Brian asked me.
I nodded. "Until Monday. We’re here at a conference."
"Cool. Nicky already invite you to the show?"
"Yes, but if he didn’t I would have invited myself."
"Good answer," Brian laughed. "Good night. I have to call my wife now."
"Nice meeting you again," Kristin said shaking my hand once more. "Nicky, wipe that grin off your face."
"Kris--," he began, but she smacked his shoulder.
"Great meeting you too."
"Good night," Kevin called over his shoulder.
"Night," Nick called.
"Bye," I said and laughed. "He still hates me?"
"He never hated you," Nick protested. "He just..."
"Really disliked me, right? I know he hated me. You don’t have to pretend."
"I’m not," Nick whined then laughed. "Okay, he hated you."
"Guys, I’m off," Howie said pushing himself off his chair. "It’s early, and I want to check out a club, maybe do some dancing. Wanna come?"
"Definitely," AJ said and turned to Josie. "Come?"
"Definitely," she smiled. "Ellie?"
I looked at Nick, and he just shrugged at me. "We can go if you want. Or we can just stay here."
I knew that if we went to a club the music would be loud, and we wouldn’t even be able to talk.
"I think we should stay," he said suddenly. "That way we can talk."
"Good idea," I said. "I’d rather do that."
AJ laughed. "Oh-kay. Suit yourselves."
"Later," Howie said.
"Don’t wait up," Josie said.
I rolled my eyes at her as she walked away and Nick laughed.
"She’s a wild one, huh? Not the kind of girls I remember you hanging around with," he said widening his already big eyes. "Where’d you get her?"
"She’s a nice girl. We work together, and this is her first year. But she’s so young. All she thinks about is partying and meeting guys. I mean, she had the guts to come up her and talk to you because she heard you might be famous. She’s a freak. But she doesn’t have a lot of friends. She had been with this one guy for years, but they broke up," I said. "I think sometimes, I just feel sorry for her because she doesn’t have anyone else."
"Aw, you’re nice," Nick said and looked around the empty table. "Want a drink?"
"No. I had one at the bar, and that was plenty. What about you? Are you having anything else?"
He shook his head. "I’m fine. Well no. I’m not fine. I’m freaked out because you’re here. I can’t believe you’re here."
"I can’t believe it either," I said feeling more relaxed now that we were alone. "You cut off all your hair."
He nodded. "Last summer. I just got tired of it long. Yours is longer." He ran his hand down the length of my hair. "What else is new? How’s Laura?"
"She’s getting married in the summer," I said.
"That’s great. Tell her I said congratulations. Bet you’re gonna miss your sister."
I nodded. "Yeah. Things sure change when people get married. Well, you know that," I said remembering that Kevin and Brian had recently married their fiancees.
"Yeah. The guys’ lives have changed, but it’s cool. Leighanne’s still busy working and so is Kristin. But she’s around more." He rolled his eyes. "I don’t just have Kev as a big brother anymore. Now she gets to be my big sister." He laughed. "She’s cool. More relaxed than he is, you know?"
"Things okay with you guys? Is he treating you all right?"
He smiled at me, and I noticed just how happy he was. "Yeah. Things are great with us guys. I think this year has really cemented things with us. Made everything right , you know? With the success of the last tour, the weddings and the new record, we’ve just become a tighter unit. I feel like I’m really a part of things. The guys are awesome, Elisa. I’m really glad I came back." He looked up surprised at me, but I pretended not to get it. Not to get that him coming back meant me losing him.
"I’m glad," I said. "That’s all that matters, Nick, that you’re really, truly totally happy."
He laughed easily and squeezed my hand inside his. "No one said anything about totally. I’m still on my own right now, and I wish that I had someone to share all of this with, you know? Lucky for me right now, AJ and Howie are single so we all hang out. I turned twenty-one last January, and we’ve pretty much been hitting the clubs since then. It’s fun."
"You meet a lot of girls?"
He laughed. "Yeah. It’s funny because they’re older, and sometimes, they don’t know who we are right away. But it’s just fun, Elisa. I know that I’m not going to meet anyone worthwhile in a club."
I laughed this time and looked at him. "We met in a club."
He turned a bit pink and ran his hand through his short hair. "Oh yeah. But I was stranded, dead drunk in that club. I wasn’t cruising for chicks like we do now."
"Cruising for chicks?"
"That’s what AJ calls it." He shrugged. "It’s just fun. What about you? Are you seeing someone?"
I thought about lying to him, but I didn’t. "Yeah. I’ve been seeing someone since January."
"Really? Are things serious?"
"I’m trying not to get serious. I don’t want to be serious with him, but it’s hard. I’m actually seeing Daniel. I told you about him. We were best friends, and then we got involved, but he ended up with someone else."
He was nodding before I finished my sentence. "Really? Yeah? That guy?"
I nodded. "That guy."
 

It was the thought of Daniel that startled me from sleep. I swallowed hard and looked around at the strange room until I remembered. I hadn’t been dreaming about Nick. All of that had happened.
I sat up on the bed only to remember that I had fallen asleep on the couch with him. I pushed my hair out of my face and struggled my way out from under all of the blankets.
I could see Nick’s blond head. He was asleep on the couch hugging a pillow and curled up against the cold.
Shit.
I had totally missed calling Daniel. I didn’t know how I’d explain myself.
How could I explain it to him if I couldn’t even explain it to myself? I knew very well that I should have gone back to my hotel when I had started to. Saying no to Nick was always difficult for me. I could only think of a few times when I had and had stuck to it. Besides, it wasn’t like I didn’t like being with him again. Like seeing him, feeling his touch hadn’t brought back the safety, the security I had lacked all these months. Because safety was the one thing I lacked since he was gone. Though Daniel was strong, and trustworthy (until now), my past experience with him made me doubt him as much as it made me trust him. I looked at him with a "here today, gone tomorrow" attitude which I had never been able to muster with anyone else. I had always reached the point where I was hopelessly attached, but not now.
I don’t think he suspected that. He seemed to think we were happy. That we had picked up where we had left off. That I had forgiven him. And I had. I couldn’t have been with him otherwise, but I hadn’t exactly forgotten either.
But that didn’t excuse my behavior with Nick the night before. After the long talk, we ended up kissing. Then back in the room, and after that it had been hard to stop. Almost like time had never passed between us.
I guess that’s why his words had really hit me. I had basically gone from being with him to being with Daniel. There was about a six month pause between them where I had to get over Nick, as if that was humanly possible.
A phone started ringing, but it wasn’t the room phone right next to me. I didn’t have a cell, so it had to be Nick’s.
He sat up with a start and looked around himself but saw nothing. I saw him feel under the couch and come up with the phone.
"Hello?...," he said sleepily and listened. Then he laughed. "Yeah... Yeah...She’s here," he smiled up at me. "Um-huh...Yeah...Hey, it’s not my fault you guys took off...Nah, we stayed around talking...Yes, that’s it....Okay.... Okay.... Downstairs?...Yeah, I’ll tell her...Bye."
"What’s going on?" I asked as he clicked off the phone.
"That was AJ. Josie just called his phone because she’s all worried about you. You guys supposed to be at the conference now?"
I glanced at my watch. It was already eight-thirty.
Damn.
"Yeah," I said climbing off the bed. "Since like eight. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe that I over-slept, and now I’m going to be so late. I still haven’t even called Daniel. I can’t believe myself. I’m not supposed to be doing this, Nick. I’m supposed to be responsible."
He stretched lazily and rubbed his eyes. "Bone wants to know if you’ll have breakfast with us."
"Breakfast?"
Was he kidding?
He shrugged. "He wanted to catch up with you too, and he said that I didn’t even give you guys a chance to talk last night. Jay’s always had a soft spot for you."
I found my shoes once again.
I sat next to him on the couch and half-laughed. "Soft spot? Why’s that?"
He shrugged. "I’ll never forget the plane ride home from Texas. Kevin sat next to me the whole time telling me that it was for the better, that I had made the right choice, that if you didn’t accept my lifestyle then I needed to move on." He chuckled softly. "When Kev went to the bathroom, AJ took his seat and said everything opposite. That you were a great girl. That in the future things would be different. That we had to give ourselves time." He looked up at me and smiled.
I touched his hair and leaned in to kiss his cheek. "Remind me to buy him lunch some other day," I said pulling myself off the couch. "I’d better go."
"You’re not going to have breakfast with us then?" he asked in a disappointed tone.
"Nick--," I began.
"C’mon. If you’re already late, what’s another hour? Jay’s gonna be even more disappointed."
"Guilt trip? You’re giving me a guilt trip?"
He laughed. "C’mon. Please?"
I must be a real sucker.
"I need to get back to my room to change. Then we can go eat," I told him, and he immediately started laughing. "Be quiet, Nick."
"Give me ten minutes, and I’ll get you back there. Hang on."
While he was showering and changing, I called our hotel room, but Josie was gone. I guessed that she was at the conference like she was supposed to be. I always thought her irresponsible, but things sure had changed as soon as we left town.
AJ looked wide-awake enough though he swore that they had rolled in sometime around sunrise.
"Your friend’s such a blast," he was saying as he downed some orange juice. "We danced the entire night."
"I believe it," I said looking around at the mostly-empty restaurant. "She called looking for me this morning?"
He nodded. "Yeah. She was all scared. Elisa’s not here, and I don’t know what to do."
I shook my head. "I guess I should have called to tell her that I was with Nick. I just lost track of time."
He nodded again. "Guess you have, huh? But I called her back to tell her that everything was cool. That you were safe with Nicky."
Nick smiled downing his oatmeal then looked around. "Where’s everyone? We’re just meeting for the sound check at the venue?"
"Looks like," AJ said with a shrug. "Nothing else is on the schedule. What are you two up to today?"
"Conference," I said assuredly. "I have to be there today. My registration is paid for and all."
"Wanna shop?" AJ asked Nick who just shrugged.
"I was gonna keep twisting her arm to hang out with me," he said with a smile. "Wanna go shopping with us?"
"I can’t, you know that. I shouldn’t even be here."
AJ laughed. "Okay, let me ask you something. It’s important."
I nodded. "Okay."
"When are you going to get another chance to shop in Baltimore with us? You and Josie can go to the conference tomorrow. So you miss a day? Big deal. Who is really going to know? On the other hand, we’ll be gone after the show tomorrow, and you might never catch up with us like this again. We won’t be able to go shopping. To have lunch. You won’t be able to go to the sound check with us. See what our little world is all about it. When is any of that going to happen again?"
AJ was something else. Even when I met him, I knew immediately that there was something more than special about him. He had been the only one, besides Nick, who had taken the time to talk to me. He was the only one who knew what was going through my mind when I left.
"But if you just have to go sit in some huge teachers’ conference where you won’t even be able to see the speaker, and no one even talks to you, then go ahead. Me and Nicky will find someone else to hang out with, right?"
We both turned to Nick who sat up startled. "Yeah. Um-huh."
AJ rolled his eyes. "Just go with us. You’ll have a good time. We’ll stop at some good place for lunch, then we’ll pick up Josie. That way, we can all go to the show. Yeah?"
Who could say no to all of that? Certainly not me.
"Sounds good," I said while Nick laughed next to me.
AJ smiled and dug into his sparse breakfast. "See? I knew you’d make the right choice and stay this time."
Nick sat up. "Be right back. Hang on." He disappeared toward the bathrooms, and I looked at AJ.
"What?" he asked.
"This time?"
He smiled. "C’mon! I know your story. I know it even better than Nicky. You guys are back together, and that’s what counts."
"AJ, we bumped into each other. It’s a coincidence. How can we be back together when we’re both just here for a little while?"
"You’re back together right now. That’s what I meant," he said downing more of his juice. "What’s wrong with living the moment? Enjoying it?"
I nodded because that’s the way I had been treating everything. Just in the right now.
"Besides," AJ said. "There are no coincidences."
I looked up at him from my bagel.
"It’s true," he said. "Nothing in life is a coincidence. Everything happens for a reason, and if you’re here...." He dropped off and shrugged.
I sucked in air and finished my food while I tried not to think too much.
 

These guys knew how to shop. I knew AJ was great at shopping because I had gone with him back in Austin. He loved looking at everything, and it didn’t even bother him to go into girl stores with me. Nick, on the other hand, was busy looking for comic book collectibles and CD’s. One of the bodyguards had gone with us even though there weren’t many young girls at the mall. Most of them were probably at school or hunting for the guys in DC. But a few people did ask them for autographs which they both gave away happily with big smiles.
"Thank you," Nick said as he gave the clerk at the record store his autograph.
She gushed and hugged the slip of paper to herself. AJ and I were already headed out the door.
"You just made her day," I told him as he caught up to us.
"You think?"
"Just her day?" AJ asked seemingly offended.
I laughed and found myself reaching for Nick. Like on impulse. He put his arm around me, and we finished walking through the large mall. I bought an extra pair of jeans because I didn’t have anything casual to wear to the concert. I didn’t want to show up there in my teacher outfits and look even older than I was.
"What now?" Nick asked looking around once we had finished the mall. It was barely noon.
"I need to catch up with Josie. Let me go find her at the conference. Besides, I have to call home."
Nick looked down at me making a face. "Daniel?"
"He’s probably worried," I said.
"Who’s Daniel?" AJ asked surprised as he shifted his shopping bags.
"Her man," Nick said rolling his eyes.
"My... uh yeah, boyfriend," I said.
"Really? You have a boyfriend?" he asked. "Are you sure? You don’t sound too convinced there Elisa girl."
I nodded. "I’m sure."
"Well, lets drop you off, and Bone and me can leave this stuff in our rooms," Nick was saying. "We can check in with the other guys, right? Then we meet for lunch at one? After that, we’ll need to start getting down to DC. Sound good?"
I let go of him for the first time in a while. "Yeah. That sounds good."
"I’ll meet you in your lobby," Nick said.
"Bring Josie," AJ said.
I laughed. Typical Josie.
We headed for the car that had dropped us off at the mall.
"I just got really busy," I was telling Daniel. I ended up calling him at work because it was already ten-thirty El Paso time. "I’m sorry."
"Did you guys go out?" he asked.
"Um yeah. Just to the bar downstairs. Josie met some guys, and we just sat around talking until late," I lied. Well, halfway lied.
"Really?" Daniel laughed. "Did you have a good time? Were they nice guys?"
"Yeah. But they’re only here for a little while. How are you?"
"I’m great," he said. "I was kind of worried about you."
"I know. I’m sorry. We got to the room really late, and got up just on time to make it to the conference. I skipped lunch to call you." The half lie just got bigger and bigger.
"It’s okay," he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. "Don’t worry. I trust you. I know how it was. You were probably just looking out for Josie because she probably really liked one of the guys, and I bet she got pretty plastered too. Huh?"
I swallowed hard and tried to laugh casually. "Yeah. You know her really well."
"I know you really well too. I know you’re just being a good friend to her. That’s really cool of you. I don’t have any worries while you’re gone. I was kidding about your Backstreet Boys stuff."
"I know, Danny. I know."
"Where’s Josie now?"
I still didn’t know since the first thing I had done was call him. "Um, she’s eating, I think. Downstairs."
"How’s Baltimore?"
"Really beautiful. A little cold, but nice. I just saw the harbor yesterday when we got here. I haven’t had a chance to do any sightseeing."
"Not even the mall?" Daniel asked.
I almost choked. "No. I tell you, I’ve been stuck at that conference. That conference where I can’t even see the speaker and no one even talks to me."
He chuckled. "Well, maybe it’ll get better."
"Maybe."
"You’d better eat lunch," he said. "Don’t go skipping meals over there, okay?"
"Yeah," I said. "Okay."
"I’m glad you’re okay. Thanks for calling. Keep an eye on Josie though."
"Of course. And I’m sorry to have worried you," I said honestly for once.
"Don’t worry. I’ll talk to you soon, okay? Tonight?"
I had to think because I had already told Nick I’d be at the concert.
"Um well, see tonight--," I stammered while I thought of another lie.
"Call me when you can, Ellie. It’s okay. Have a good time. But I miss you."
"I miss you too," I said though that was a lie too. "Bye."
"Bye."
Josie was a bit more difficult to deal with. I found her waiting in the hotel lobby looking around, probably for me.
"Are you crazy?" she asked when I explained that the guys wanted to go to lunch then hit DC in preparation for the concert. "Are you nuts?"
"No, I’m not crazy. Look, when are you going to get another chance like this?" I asked echoing AJ’s words. "We’ll come to the conference tomorrow. What’s the big deal?"
"That’s not a big deal," she said. "The big deal is you and Nick. What is that all about? You two know each other? From where? What did you guys do last night? What happened? You never came back."
I pushed a strand of hair behind me ear and told her the whole story. Only Laura and I knew about how I had found him "dead drunk" in a gay bar. We were the only ones who saw him go through hell to find his way to his destiny. I had never told anyone else.
"But he left," I told her at the end of the story. "We spent a whole year together, but this is where he belongs."
Her eyes were wide in disbelief. "If I hadn’t seen his reaction to you, I wouldn’t believe a word you are saying, Ellie. You had a relationship with this guy? He lived with you?"
I nodded. "For a year. But listen Jo, that’s not important anymore. It’s the past, and--."
"What do you mean it’s not important? How can it not be important? How can you dismiss it like some losing lottery ticket?"
Funny analogy, I thought. I mean, I had been accused of being interested in his money.
"It’s not like that anymore. I think we both accept that this is a happy coincidence. Yeah, I like him. I like being with him. Nothing happened last night. We talked. We caught up on each others’ lives, lost track of time, and I fell asleep. If you remember, I’m trying to have something with Daniel back home."
"If I remember?" she laughed. "You’re the one who needs to be remembering, Elisa. We are going home the day after tomorrow. Monday morning, we are back in El Paso. Back in reality."
"I know that."
"You’d better," she said. "I think I’d be having a hell of a time keeping that in mind. Not getting caught up in those big blue eyes and that nice smile. How can you not?"
I shrugged because her words made me doubt that I could stay not caught up. "I’m being real. I’ve been here before. I’m not going to make the same mistake and fall in love with him, just to lose him. Only stupid girls make the same mistake over and over."
"Unless it happens to be your favorite mistake," she said looking serious for the first time since I’d known her.
"Favorite mistake? How can a mistake be your favorite?" I asked confused.
"Because you like making it," she said then stopped. "Look, there’s AJ."
And sure enough here came the guys through the hotel doors and into the lobby.
"Are you going to lunch with us or not?" I asked standing up and grabbing my purse and jacket.
She nodded. "Yeah. I’d be crazy not to."
The guys picked some seafood place between Baltimore and DC. AJ had rented a truck, and for the first time, we were without security.
"It should be cool," he said as we waited to order. "Things have been so calm since we got here."
Nick nodded. "Yeah, not at all like when people know who we are. We’ve had girls camp outside the hotels entire nights in the cold and the rain. And then all these stories get made up about us and the people in the hotels. It’s crazy."
Josie smiled. "You probably love it. Who wouldn’t? Thousands of screaming girls throwing underwear at you." She laughed.
"So you have been to one of our shows," AJ said. "Elisa, you lied."
"I didn’t--," I began, but he laughed.
"I know! I’m teasing you. Yeah, screaming girls are nice. But when you go back to the room, and you’re all alone, what good is it?" he asked. "Screaming girls can’t keep you warm. They can’t talk about what’s going on in their lives. They can just scream."
"Well, you can go out there and pick one to take back," she said with a shrug. "I mean, you can have your pick of so many women."
I saw Nick smile and look down at his hands.
AJ shook his head and sat forward. "You don’t get it. It’s not about getting whoever. It’s about being with the right person. Kevin married a girl that he’s known longer than he’s been in the group. A girl who he had broken up with countless of times while he took up with whoever. But he always went back to her. Brian married Leighanne after knowing her for years too. The girl who is in and out of my life has been around forever too. I don’t know why I keep going back to her when I meet beautiful women all the time. But I do. I think that when you’re someone like me, like Kevin, Howie, Brian or Nick, you’re not looking for whoever. You’re looking for someone who makes a difference. And usually, that’s whoever you’ve had a serious relationship with out of the spotlight. As difficult as that may be."
I was watching him speak wondering what was going through his crazy mind. His words were not lost on me because take away the famous part, and that’s all any of us was looking for. Someone who made a difference.
"Lonely rock star syndrome?" Josie asked. "So it’s true, huh?"
Nick raised his eyes to her surprised, and I wanted to kick myself for even inviting her. She had such a big mouth sometimes.
AJ scooted closer to her and put his arm around her. "Not as long as you’re around, baby." He laughed softly effectively dismissing her insensitive words.
"Are you ready to order?" the waitress asked standing in front of us.
We all did and finally left behind that uncomfortable conversation. I had decided to take my time with Nick for what it was. Just a good time.
"You’re friend’s funny," he said as we entered the venue through the back. Plenty of girls were already lined up around the auditorium peering into every vehicle that drove in. AJ had found a way to get in through the back unnoticed.
"Funny?" I shrugged. "She’s not that much my friend, I tell you. She’s a girl who ends up needing help for all her tough talk. I always end up somewhere consoling her, telling her that everything’s going to be okay, that she has to be tough on her on."
"Like me?" he asked putting his arm around me and pulling me close.
I had never thought about that. "Yeah sort of. Except you were never that stupid. Josie really needs to be quiet more often."
His laughter echoed through the concrete walls as we made it to the dressing rooms. Flashbacks of the last time I was backstage at a concert flitted through my mind. I remembered being so uncomfortable that I ended up just going home.
"Well, well," Kevin said as we finally found them through the mess of tunnels. He and Brian were practicing on some guitars.
"Hey, man," Nick greeted. "Where’s Kristin?"
"She went home today," he said tuning one of the strings on his guitar. "She has an audition later this week, and she wanted to be prepared. What have you guys been up to today?"
Nick shrugged. "Shopping. Eating. Bone was with us, but he’s giving Josie the grand tour of the bus."
"Josie?" Brian asked.
"That’s my friend," I explained. "The one that met you last night."
"Oh, he’s being gentlemanly? Or he’s picking up on her?" Brian asked.
"We were wondering the same thing. Who knows with those two. Where’s ‘D?" Nick asked.
"Not here yet, I think," Kevin said. "He’s probably on his way."
I still didn’t feel completely comfortable around him. I didn’t blame him for making Nick go back to them. I still believed that was one hundred percent his decision. But I wasn’t sure if he didn’t still doubt my intentions with him. Kevin once accused me of being me money-driven. Apparently, most of the girls who had been interested in Nick before, had an agenda.
The guys continued to tinker on their instruments while Nick put our jackets away and went to grab some chairs from another room. I almost started after him because I still dreaded being around Kevin without him.
"Here. You can have this one," he suddenly said putting his guitar down and pushing his chair over to me.
"No. It’s okay. Nick’ll be right back."
"It’s fine," he said and walked across the room to put away his guitar.
But I sat down just so he wouldn’t say anything.
"So," Brian said and sat facing me. "How are you? Are you guys having a good time?"
"Pretty much. Yeah," I said. "Here I am blowing everything off to hang out with you guys."
He shrugged. "Blowing everything off once in awhile is good. It’s relaxing. Besides, you’re supposed to be on vacation, right?"
I nodded. "Yeah, this is spring break. But I’ll have the rest of the week when I get home."
He nodded. "We’re having a party today, after the show."
"Yeah?"
"Nick didn’t tell you?" he seemed surprised.
I shook my head.
"Nick forgot," Kevin said simply. "He forgets everything. I’m sure he’s figuring if he dragged you along this far, you’ll go along with the party as well."
I nodded and looked at them. It struck me that I was in the room with two very important people in Nick’s life. AJ was always comforting and casual, and he never passed judgment on anything. It was different with them. These two had scrutiny in their eyes. I knew Nick and Brian where very good friends, but it was Kevin that I feared. He was downright protective to the point of being meddlesome. At least he had been in the past.
I thought quickly of something to make small talk. "I didn’t know you guys were going to be here now. If I had realized that, I would have bought tickets to the DC show."
"Really?" Brian smiled. "Like you would have needed a ticket."
I turned back to him a little surprised. "Well, I bought tickets to the Austin show. I would have made plans to come to this one too if I had known."
Kevin laughed easily and leaned back on the counter. "Bri means that you could have called the phone number Nick left you. Do that whenever you want to stop by."
He knew about the phone number. My letter was back home at the bottom of a drawer in a box, folded neatly under the very first love letter I ever received. It was from a boy in my first grade class. The same box that contained the earrings my mother had left me which I considered too precious to wear. All items that hadn’t seen the light of day since I put them away because I didn’t think that I had a use for them.
"I didn’t think about that," I said. "I didn’t even think I’d be seeing you guys right now."
Brian smiled and pulled himself out of the chair. "One never expects the really good things. I’ll be right back. I’m going to call home before things get crazy."
Great. I swallowed hard and glanced back at the door hoping Nick was making his reappearance.
"He’ll be right back," Kevin drawled taking Brian’s chair, turning it backwards and sitting down. "Nick I mean. He probably got caught up talking to someone, or out with the fans. Typical Nick stuff."
I nodded. "Yeah, probably. Hey, congratulations on the wedding," I said not giving him a chance to begin a conversation that I didn’t want to have. "How’s married life?"
He chuckled. "It’s just like single life right now. It’s not like having a real home to go to everyday after work and talk with Kristin. After the show, it’s kinda late to call her, so maybe I won’t. I hate to wake her up. But the good thing is that we have a break after tomorrow."
"Nick was telling me."
He nodded. "I can just go home and forget about everything for a little while. Well, as long as Kristin didn’t get some job that’s going to keep her out of town and away from home."
"She’s still working?"
He squinted his eyes for a second then nodded. "Yeah. Sometimes, I wish she’d just work with us. With our dancers. Other times, I wish she’d just stay home so we could be together whenever I have a couple of weeks off. But we agreed to support each other in our careers. So," he shrugged. "So I have to be supportive."
I shook my head. "You have a crazy schedule, and it takes a lot of love to be a part of it."
"Yeah. That it does. On both of our parts though, Elisa. Don’t think I haven’t thought about up and quitting just to be with her. I’m set for the rest of my life. My mom, my brothers, my family, my future kids. I don’t care if I never work another day again. But my heart’s here too," he said pressing a small smile. "With the guys. With this music."
I watched him thinking about how much a year changed people. Or maybe he hadn’t changed. Maybe I just wasn’t a threat to him anymore, an obstacle between him and his vision of a perfect life.
"That’s why you stayed home instead of following Nicky, right?" he said looking at the floor. "You love what you do too. Your heart’s with your kids, at your school. In your home."
I swallowed back and pushed my hair off my shoulder.
When I didn’t answer right away, he looked up at me. His eyes seemed as green as a brand new green crayon. The thick kind of crayons that my students were always breaking.
"Am I right?" he asked. "I know you don’t owe me any explanations. But girls who make a whole lot more money than you, who have a whole lot more holding them back, have been ready to leave whatever for him. Anything. And you didn’t."
"I couldn’t," I said easily.
"Why?"
I had to think, because I wasn’t sure of my answer. Plain stupidity?
"I don’t--," I began.
"Oh no!" AJ rushed into the room. "You two aren’t fighting, are you?"
"C’mon, Bone!" Kevin laughed.
"No. Don’t Kev. There’s plenty of Nicky for the both of you. No need to fight," he said looking very seriously at us.
"It’s okay," I said.
"Because if you’re fighting, you’re going to have to give me some time to get some bets placed. I could make some real money with this one."
Josie was right behind him laughing up a storm.
Kevin shook his head and stood up. "We’ll talk later. I’ve got to go."
"Aw, c’mon!" AJ whined. "Don’t go yet. I want to see her deck you."
The look Kevin gave him would have shut me up for good, but AJ just laughed it off.
"How’s your right hook, Elisa?" AJ asked with a grin.
"It’s stinks," I said. "Where have you two been?"
"Looking around," Josie said. "This place is awesome. This is some set up you guys have with the food, the drinks, everything. You get the royal treatment like this every night?"
"Every night," AJ said. "Where’s Frack?"
"Here," Nick said appearing behind him. "Sorry. I was talking to some guys from a radio station. Here," he said pushing a bottle of orange juice at me. "Who got you a chair?"
"Kevin gave me his. It’s okay, don’t worry."
"Kevin?" he wrinkled his nose and gave AJ a look. AJ just shrugged.
"Truce," he mouthed.
I shook my head at them.
"You guys wanna watch the sound check from the seats?" Nick offered.
"Of course," I told him. "Let’s go."
Nick walked us to the second row from the front of the stage. "Where do you guys wanna sit tonight? Or do you want to hang around backstage?"
I’d never seen a concert from the audience.
"Backstage," Josie said. "Definitely."
Nick smiled at me, as we sat down to look at the huge stage. It was taller than it had been in the past or so it seemed from the audience.
He glanced at his watch. "After the sound check, things are going to get crazy, so I probably won’t see you until after the show. We’re having a meet and greet and some interviews. Just make sure you have your passes with you at all times. Okay?"
I was just watching him. Josie might have nodded. I’m not even sure. I was just thinking about how incredibly handsome he’d become. When I met him, he still had a baby face. He looked like kid. He was all man now, but something child-like remained in his eyes and in his mannerisms. He still acted like he was some guy, not like he was Nick Carter.
"Is that okay with you?" he asked again. "You can hang out wherever, but I probably won’t be able to--."
"It’s okay," I said coming back to myself. "Don’t worry. I sort of remember the routine. Brian and Kevin tell me there’s a party."
He wrinkled his nose again and laughed. "The party! That’s right. We’re going to have one tonight before the break because I think Brian’s leaving right after the show tomorrow. Kevin’s leaving a few hours later. I think only Howie and Aje will be around over night."
"And you?" I asked.
"I’m driving to Tampa," he shrugged. "I’ll probably rent a truck and drive. I love to drive. Since I have time, I’ll just cruise around ‘till I get home. Hey, but we’re going to the party, right?"
"Right," I said and looked at Josie. She was still staring at the stage taking it all in.
"Yeah. If it’s a party, I’m there," she smiled.
Nick laughed. "Awesome." He glanced at his watch. "I’d better go, Elisa. We have a few things to do before we come out here and do the check. Catch up with me after the show, okay? I’ll be ready right away."
"Sure honey," I said.
His smile grew at his old nickname, and I know I changed colors.
"Sorry. I got used to calling you that."
"It’s okay," he said and leaned into my face. I watched him, not moving and closed my eyes when he was close enough to kiss me because I didn’t want to have a chance to think twice.
No one on this Earth kissed like him. I couldn’t believe that I’d forgotten those long, soft, deliberate kisses. Then I realized that I had never forgotten. I had made myself stop thinking about them, about him.
The very same way, I made myself pull my face away from his.
He touched my face and smiled. "I’d better go, huh?"
"Yeah. I think so."
"I don’t really want to now. Why don’t we just--."
"Hello? Earth to Nick Carter. Come in Nick Carter," Brian twanged over the speaker system. "Stop kissing that young lady, and come get to work."
Nick closed his eyes embarrassed, and I looked up to find him, AJ and Howie on the stage watching us. Brian had the microphone in his hand.
"Let’s go, Frack."
"I swear, he dies tonight."
I laughed and kissed his cheek. "Bye."
"Bye."
I spent most of that show chasing behind Josie because everything was so fascinating to her. The guys had some high-profile guests visit them backstage, and of course, she had to go look. Some girl Howie was seeing stopped by as well, and Josie gave her the once over.
"She’s okay," she said. "She has chubby ankles."
"Chubby ankles?" I asked. "Who looks at people’s ankles for chubbiness?"
"I want to go check out that bodyguard. C’mon. Let’s go."
The guys were singing Spanish Eyes, so I had stopped at the monitor to watch. That was one of my favorite songs.
"No, I’ll wait," I said. "Go ahead."
"C’mon," I heard her whine, but I put it out of my head. Since I had actually become a real fan, I hadn’t had a chance to see the guys in concert, so I wasn’t going to miss this by staring at some bodyguard. But then again, I wasn’t exactly watching the guys either. I was watching Nick, and I was completely unable to take my eyes off of him.
 

We danced the whole night. The after party was in some club in downtown DC, and the guys had the VIP area to themselves. Plenty of people had been invited or bribed their way into the spacious lounge with the huge dance floor.
We started the night at the bar having a few drinks but quickly moved on to the dance floor. Josie and AJ danced next to us for awhile. Howie was dancing with the girl with the alleged chubby ankles. Brian and Kevin were dancing with different girls at different times. But no one could outlast us on the dance floor.
"We always danced all night," I told Nick. "I haven’t done this in forever."
"You haven’t? Doesn’t Daniel take you dancing?"
"We don’t go dancing," I said over the loud music. "We go to the movies, to dinner or just hang out."
"Hm, that does sound boring. Don’t you miss having an exciting boyfriend, like me? At least I like to dance."
I grabbed his middle and hugged on to him as tight as I could. "Trust me, it’s not the excitement that makes you better than him."
Nick hugged me back, and then we continued to dance.
What seemed like just an hour later, I felt a hand on my back, and Kevin grabbed Nick’s arm.
"We’re going now. Are you guys staying?"
"Already?" Nick asked surprised.
"Baby, it’s like three in the morning," Kevin laughed. "Where’s your watch?"
Nick looked at his watch and did a double take. "What? Wow. Where’d the time go?"
"We’re going back," Kevin repeated. "I think Bone’s staying, but that’s it. Todd’s taking us back. If you stay, Mike will stay, but remember to tell him when you’re leaving."
"No, let’s go," Nick said. "I wanted to do a couple of things tomorrow. Is that okay?" he asked me.
I was dead tired by then too, but only because I hadn’t realized how late it was.
"AJ’s staying?" I asked.
Kevin nodded. "I think that’s what he said. He and your friend are at the bar getting plastered."
I glanced over my shoulder as we followed Kevin off the dance floor. Sure enough, she and AJ were doing shots. I stopped walking.
"What?" Nick asked and followed my gaze. "Shit," he muttered. "Damn AJ."
"Think she’ll be okay?"
"Sure," he said. "Jay won’t leave her behind or anything like that. But I don’t have a clue how wasted they’re going to get. We can stay just to be sure they’re okay."
"AJ drove over here, huh?"
He nodded. "But Mike won’t let him drive back. No way. I’m telling you, we can just stay here. Just to be sure."
"No. I can stay if you’re tired," I told him. "You said you had stuff to do."
He laughed. "Yeah, stuff to do with you. I wanted to check out the aquarium tomorrow. It’s right by your hotel. That was it."
I could hear Josie’s laughter from where we were standing. She was just having a riot of a time.
"It’s your call," Nick said. "Really. Whatever you decide is fine."
"Aren’t they supposed to stop serving alcohol at two? It’s so late."
Nick wrapped his arms around my waist. "That’s in regular clubs, Elisa. This is a VIP room, and they’ll do whatever the VIP’s want, even get them wasted after serving hours. We can stay," he said. "If it makes you feel better, we will."
I saw Josie lose her balance and grab on AJ’s arm. They started back to the dance floor.
"Elisa!" she yelled when she saw me. "C’mon! Let’s go dance. Let’s go Nick! Let’s go dance."
AJ smiled at us and poked Nick’s side. "C’mon guys."
Great. This was just great. I was so tempted to leave her. Just to let her get as stupid as she wanted. What could I possibly lose anyway?
"What’s the verdict, guys?" Kevin asked. Brian, Howie and his friend were right behind him.
"We’re staying," Nick said. "Right?"
I was still watching them dance all over each other. "Yeah. But thanks."
"If you’re sure," Kevin said. "Mike works security with us, and he won’t let anything happen to them. They’ll be fine. It’s already super-late."
Nick waited for me to say something, but I looked up at him and then at Kevin.
"You can’t baby-sit people forever," Kevin said. "She’s a big girl now, and AJ’s a big boy."
"At least that’s what we’ve heard," Brian said. "Don’t take Kevin’s word for it."
I laughed and took Nick’s hand back into mine. "Yeah okay. Let’s go."
"Wanna tell her?" Nick asked. "So they won’t look for us."
I shook my head.
"No. We already told them," Kevin said. "Let’s go."
Todd took us back in a big van. Nick and I took the back seat and sat as close to each other as we could. Suddenly, I couldn’t be too close to him. I didn’t even know what was happening to me. I wasn’t even trying to stay in control anymore.
"You’re staying with me, right?" he whispered into my ear as we approached the Baltimore harbor.
"Yeah," I said. "I am."
 

"So what is it about this guy?" Nick asked with a sniffle. His nose had started running about half an hour after we decided to sit out on his balcony and wait for the sun to rise. It was already five in the morning. We had piled on layers of his clothes, our jackets and dragged the blankets outside with us, but it was still really cold. We were sitting on the floor with our back resting against the glass doors that led inside. We were relying on each other plenty for body warmth which was good because we had spent the past two hours kissing and touching. We needed to cool off, at least I did.
"He’s a good guy," I said.
"What? The guy who took your friendship and threw it away like that? Didn’t he stop hanging out with you after he got involved with that girl?"
"Yeah. But that’s the past, Nick. We have a really good relationship." I stopped because I couldn’t even be sure that was true anymore. I hadn’t called him all day.
"You had a good relationship before, right? Before he ended up choosing that other girl over you."
The sky was pretty light already. The sun had started making its way up through the clouds and over the water.
"Yes," I said already tired of talking about Daniel. "But people change, honey. Didn’t the guys change with you? Aren’t things different now?"
"Yeah. That’s because we’ve all grown up. We’re friends, or more like brothers and business partners. We’re not involved with each other the way you’re involved with that guy. It just sounds like you’re risking a lot with someone who is not even trustworthy. Have you thought about that? That he could disappoint you again? Throw everything away again?"
I looked up at him. There was still a smudge of my lipstick under his chin.
I tried to wipe it off with my thumb while he smiled.
"I think I’m the one doing the disappointing right now. I’m the one who’s here with you instead of in bed resting. What would he say if he knew what I was doing? Aren’t I the one throwing everything away?"
"I think if he was to know that you’re happy with me, then he’d be happy for you. Aren’t you the one who told me that love’s not selfish? That you should want good things for the people you love. You should want what they want?"
"This is not what he wants," I said. "I can assure you of that."
"What about you? What do you want?"
I sucked in air and leaned my head against the glass. I was tired after not having slept the whole night. I was tired after having analyzed everything, then letting myself go. I was just tired.
"I want to sleep," I said looking up as the first rays broke through the clouds. "Or maybe some coffee."
He elbowed me gently. "I was being serious. What do you want, Elisa? Really? Why are you here? Why are you throwing things with Daniel away if you’re so certain that you want them?"
I closed my eyes. Because I could never resist Nick. I could never say no to him, stay away from him or even stop thinking about him. No matter how much I tired, how much distance I put between us, there was always this thing that didn’t let me let go.
Then there was reality.
"Because I’m not certain," I said opening my eyes. "I have doubts about Daniel too. That’s why I’m here."
"That’s all?" he asked a bit disappointed.
I looked over at him. He looked more tired than I could ever be. The show had taken a lot out of him, and we hadn’t even eaten dinner afterward. I pulled my warm hand out of the blanket and touched his cold face.
"You’re freezing out here," I said and rubbed his cheek to warm him up.
He stopped my hand and pulled it gently to his mouth. Slowly, he kissed my palm then each finger one at a time. I closed my eyes knowing that my reaction was coming, that I was going to end up wanting him more than I wanted to.
I felt him barely suck on the tip of my index finger then rub his soft lips with them. Then he shivered.
I opened my eyes, and took my hand away from him. "You’re going to freeze. If you get sick, it’s going to be my fault, and the guys are going to kill me."
He leaned in closer to me. "If I get sick, I’ll be on my break, and you’ll have to take care of me. You can make me soup and tuck me in. How’s that?"
I took his face in my hands and kissed him this time because I was tired of talking. I didn’t really want to know about his break because I knew I had some time off after this weekend. It wasn’t like I couldn’t actually take care of him. Like I couldn’t stay. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to.
I kissed him until the sun shone brightly in our faces. The temperature stayed low, but we ended up squinting on the terrace.
"That it?" Nick asked disappointed again. "The sun rises better in Florida."
"Really? I wouldn’t know. Can we go get some sleep now?"
"Well, you can find out," he said standing up under all the blankets we’d taken out with us. He put his hand out to me and helped me up. "You can come home with me for the rest of spring break."
"Nick," I began.
"No, no. Don’t answer yet. We get to hang out for one more day, and then you can decide, okay?" He sniffled again. "Just think and be honest when the time comes."
"I’ll always be honest with you, you know that. Now get inside before you turn into a popsicicle."
"You can warm me up," he said as we headed back inside. "You just don’t want to because ... Hey, why don’t you want to?"
He asked so many questions.
"Because we just barely found each other again. I don’t think it’s a good idea to jump into everything like we actually have time to be together, Nick. I’m trying to be honest with myself."
"Are you?"
"Yeah. I keep telling myself that you still have that life that keeps you away. I still have the life I want back home. No matter how comfortable we are together, those things still exist."
He sat down on the bed and started peeling off the layers of clothes. "I don’t think you’re being honest the right way."
"Right way?" I asked confused.
"Um-huh. The reality is that we’re happy together. That’s only been a little bit over twenty-four hours, and it’s like time never passed. We talk like we used to, we kiss like we used to. I want to be around you all the time. That’s the reality. Our jobs, our homes, those are things we can work around. You look at things backwards."
I pulled off the sweatshirt he had loaned me and sat down next to him. He was rubbing his hands together to warm them up. I gave him mine so he could do the same.
"Am I right? Or am I right?" he asked as he rubbed my hands with his.
I leaned my head on his shoulder and kept my mouth closed.
He was right. He was more right than anyone else had been my whole life.
"Geez Elisa," he said lying back and pulling me down with him. I held on tightly to him and hid my face in his warm chest. "Why do you always hold back on me? Why can’t you just go with things for once?"
"I don’t know," I said. "I’m tired."
"Me too. Go to sleep," he said and I felt him kiss my hair. "Just rest."
 

I had too much to think about the next day to even consider going to the conference. Some responsible person I had turned out to be. When I got back to the room, I realized that even Josie had gone. Her clothes from the night before were on the bathroom floor, and I saw her hair accessories and make up all over the place. For a second there, I wished I was the wild one. Just out having fun, living for the moment without owing anything to anyone.
But I owed Nick the world.
I knew that. He was there just giving himself away without a thought, without a doubt. He was like a little kid plucking marbles out of his pockets, the way he poured his emotions from his heart.
I was sitting around wringing my hands, biting my lip and thinking about what a liar I was, how impossible the whole scenario was. It wasn’t even so much who he was. It was that he was so young. He still seemed confused by those illusions of true love. Of perfect love. All those things I knew didn’t exist.
After taking a shower and getting ready, I was sitting down on my unused bed when the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hey. You’re there," Daniel said. "I’ve been calling most of the morning."
It was already well-past noon.
"Sorry. I got--."
"Busy?" he asked. "I guess you’ve been busy a lot."
"Yeah," I said nodding absently. "I have."
"Everything all right? Something wrong?"
"No. I’m just tired, I guess. I didn’t know that I was going to be at those sessions for so long. I’ve hardly had a break," I said more softly that I meant to. "It’s just been go, go, go."
"You sound tired," he said. "But hey, you’re coming home tomorrow morning. Sure you can’t get a flight out tonight?"
"No," I said. "The district did all the arrangements, and I can’t change my flight. I’m sorry."
"It’s okay," he said. "Hey, I was watching MTV, and they started talking about your group."
"My group?"
"The Backstreet Boys. Aren’t they in DC just about now? That’s pretty close to you."
I swallowed hard and tried to seem natural. "I think I heard something about that on the news. But that show’s been sold out for months, Daniel."
"Yeah, but I was online just now, and I can get you and Josie some tickets. You want them? I mean, I know you like them, and I am always teasing you. But I bet you’d enjoy the show. I think the person who is selling them is in the DC area, and maybe they could meet you to pick up the tickets. All I have to do is email them."
I closed my eyes and felt pretty close to being the worst woman in the whole world. Daniel, like everyone else back home, knew nothing about Nick and me. He just thought I had some silly crush.
"It’s okay," I said finally. "I’m getting this big headache, and all I’ll want to do tonight is sleep. But thanks. It’s sweet of you to ask."
I heard him laugh. "Well, I may hate them, but I want you to have a good time over there. It sounds like so much work. When you come home, we’ll just sit around and relax. That’s all. Does that sound good to you?"
"Yeah," I began, but there was a knock on the door. I had left Nick showering at his hotel. He was going to pick me up so we could eat and go down to DC again. "Hang on."
"Sure."
I opened the door to find him standing there with a big smile and a bunch of flowers.
"Here," he said sticking them out to me. The poor things were already wilting in the cold.
I smiled. "Thanks honey." I reached up, kissed his cheek and pulled him inside.
"Are you ready to go? We barely have time to eat, and--."
"Hang on," I said. "Just a sec."
"You girls are messy," he said looking around. "I can’t believe my room is neater than--."
I grabbed the phone again and looked at him.
"Oh sorry," he said.
"You there? Sorry," I said to Daniel.
"It’s okay," he said. "Everything all right?"
"Yeah, everything’s fine. Listen, don’t worry about the concert. It’s no big thing. But I think I’d better go now, because I still need to eat, and I have more sessions in the afternoon. So, I’d better just, um, go," I said.
"Okay," he sighed. "Think you can call me tonight?"
"Yeah probably," I flat out lied. "I will."
"Okay. Can’t wait till tomorrow, Ellie. We’ll do something fun. Maybe dinner?"
"Sure," I said as Nick pulled the flowers out of my hands and disappeared into the bathroom. "Bye."
"Bye," he said, and I think he might have said something else, but I hung up the phone. I didn’t want to hear another word, or have another opportunity to lie to him. What I was doing was already bad enough.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Just getting water," he called. "Was the him?"
"Him Daniel? Yeah," I admitted. "He wanted to know if I wanted him to buy me tickets to the concert."
"To our concert?" He came back into view with the flowers in a water bottle Josie had left in the bathroom. "Really?"
I nodded. "He knows I’m a big fan. You should hear him tease me. He threatens to throw away my CD’s everyday. But he’s over there willing to buy me tickets to the concert even though he hates you guys. And here I am...," I just shook my head. It was shameful to do this.
Nick put the flowers down and looked at me. "What’s wrong? What is it?"
"I’m such a liar," I said leaning on the night stand. "I feel so awful with him, telling him that I miss him. Telling him that I’ll call when I know that I won’t. It’s not fair, Nick. I shouldn’t be doing that to him. He doesn’t deserve it. No one deserves something like that."
He glanced down at the floor for a second then looked up with a frown. "Well, you could be honest with him. I mean, it’s not like you couldn’t just tell him about what happened up here."
"And what? Lose him too? Tell him that I came up here, found you, spent time with you, kissed you, held you and felt happy with you, so he can leave me and you can be gone too?" I shook my head and struggled against the tears that I knew were forming. I was getting overly-frustrated with myself. I was so stupid.
"Elisa, how do you know? How do you have any idea how things are going to work out for us if we try? When were together in El Paso, you had no clue about what was coming. We just--."
"I knew," I told him crossing my arms. "The minute Kevin got into town, I knew. Hell, the minute you got on that stupid karaoke stage, I knew. This is where you belong, Nick. That’s the for-sure part, that’s the non-negotiable."
He blinked at me in confusion and sat down on Josie’s bed. I saw him pull her pajamas out from under him.
"How did you know? I didn’t know, how could you know?"
"I just did," I said. "Just looking at you, seeing your reaction to the things Kevin would say to you. How the two of you would sit around at that piano and write. You know, I’m so happy for you," I said and my heart thudded for being finally honest. "I am so happy to come here and see you with the guys. To see how happy you are. To see how you go out on that stage and love every, single second of it. That makes me happier than anything you can imagine. I know how hard it was for you to get back there. Don’t think I’ve forgotten."
He smiled slightly and looked up at me. "I am happy. My job makes me happy, but that doesn’t mean that it makes me whole. That it’s all I need."
"Honey, this isn’t just your job. It’s your life. I know that. You know that. Everybody knows that."
"It’s not everything," he said looking up at me now with more desperation in his eyes, his voice. "It’s not all I want."
The tears had pushed their way to my eyes, and I brushed them away as quickly as I could. But of course, he saw. When it came to me, he saw everything.
"We need to talk," he said with a sigh. "I don’t think we can do it right now, okay?"
I nodded and sucked in air to contain my emotions. Why did it hurt so much to even look at him? Why did it turn my stomach into impossible knots?
"I know," I said. "I don’t want you to run late getting to DC. We’ll talk later."
"Yeah because if you’re leaving tomorrow, then we have a lot to talk about tonight, okay? So, I’ll plan something. I’ll figure it out," he said looking around the room again. "Everything’s going to be all right. It is," he said with a reassuring nod. "It is."
I pulled myself off the night stand. "Let me just grab my purse, okay?"
He nodded. "Okay."
 

"Josie didn’t want to come today," AJ said with a pout as he sat next to me on a couch in the guys’ dressing room. "She said she was tired."
"I bet," I said. "She actually went to the conference, unlike me. What time did you guys roll in last night?"
"Sunrise," he said. "Hey, I still got up and got in a round of golf with Kevin and Brian. I wasn’t that tired."
I nodded and looked around. Nick had disappeared again to do typical Nick things as Kevin had called them. But being alone with AJ was a world of difference from being alone with Kevin.
"What are you doing for your break?" I asked.
He sighed. "Don’t know. Maybe work on my solo stuff. I’m not about to sit home and do nothing."
"I can give you Josie’s phone number."
He laughed. "I think I’ll pass. That woman parties harder than me."
"It’s an act," I told him. "She does it to seem fun and interesting. In reality, she’s as lonely as the rest of us."
"You’re not lonely," he said. "You have a man."
I shook my head and admitted something to him I had only allowed myself to think. "I’m going to have to break up with him, AJ."
He sat up. "What? Why? Don’t tell me Nicky convinced you to--."
"No," I said immediately. "Nick hasn’t convinced me of anything. But I have spent lots of time with him. We’ve been closer than I think I should be with someone if I’m supposed to have a boyfriend. I’m not going to do that to Daniel. I’m not going to be with him and think about Nick."
"What about just being with Nick?"
I sat up and leaned in closer to him. I knew if anyone was going to be honest with me, it was going to be him.
"AJ, what are the possibilities? I mean, really? If I decide to try to have something with him, with the way that things are now, how can it work? I live in Texas. He lives all over the world. I’m older than him, and no matter what he, or anyone else says, it’s a big deal. I have had very different experiences from him. Learned things that he’s barely going to figure out. So, I need to know, what are the odds that I’m going to end up heartbroken here?"
He didn’t answer, but he sure seemed to think about it.
"A hundred percent, right? Think about, AJ," I said. "Really, truly think about what he’s like and what you know about him. He has all these romantic notions in his brain. Illusions that aren’t real. I don’t know if it’s because he’s seen Kevin and Brian find someone that he thinks it’s going to be the same for us. He acts like it’s easy. It isn’t easy. It’s damn hard. And in this case, I’m the one with everything to lose."
"How’s that? If you both give of yourselves, you’ll lose equally," he said.
I shook my head. "I can’t just give in to what I’m feeling for him. It’s too much, it’s too strong. It’s the one thing I still believed was just pure and good. But in the past. It was a dream that I can just look back on and smile. If we try it again, if we fail, I’ll never try again, AJ. I’ll never have the guts to even consider loving someone else."
"You still love him, don’t you?" he asked softly. "You do."
I pushed my hair back and sucked in air. Of course I still loved him. I would probably always love him, but I didn‘t admit anything to AJ.
"Listen, listen," he said. "You can’t be doing this if you still love him. You can’t play around like it’s nothing when it is. You’re trying not to get hurt by not being honest, and you are going to get hurt. Big time. You’re going to hurt that guy, you’re going to hurt Nick, and you’re going to hurt yourself. Things never work out if you’re not honest. Be honest."
"I’m trying to be," I said. "But it’s hard when he’s so wonderful, when he’s so amazing. To me, the truth is that I’m scared. I’m scared to do the right thing and to do the wrong one."
He just shook his head at me.
"Maybe I’ve gotten more selfish as I’ve gotten older. I don’t know," I said. "But I’m looking out for myself. I can’t spend another month crying for him on the couch. Wasting away because it hurts too much to breathe, much less eat. I can’t keep lying to Daniel about what’s going on up here--."
"And you can’t keep lying to yourself," AJ said. "If you’re going to be selfish, then start by being honest. What do you want? What are you doing here? What decision are you going to make? Whether it’s all about you, or all about Nick, be honest. That’s all I can tell you."
I looked at the floor.
"People have these notions about us," AJ said. "These crazy ideas, like your friend Josie, that we’re driving around the country picking up everything in a skirt. We don’t. I don’t know if it’s because of how our families have been so involved in the business with us, or because we’re all guys who have morals and values, but we just don’t do that. We’re just people. People who don’t like being alone or bouncing from one relationship to the next. I can’t speak for Nick, but I can tell you how I feel. It sucks to be alone. It sucks to sit around and think about how cool the scenery is and have no one to share it with. It sucks to have time off and no one to go on vacation with. It sucks to watch your friends get married and wonder if you’re ever going to do that. It just sucks. For us, being single sucks like it does for everyone else. But it sucks worse when you think you’re in love."
Like Nick thinks he’s in love, I wondered.
He sighed. "The only thing that sucks worse is being lied to, being strung along. I’ve done that to girls. I’ve had it done to me. That’s how I know. All I can tell you is--."
"Be honest," I finished for him. "I know."
He nodded. "Yeah, at least live in peace with yourself, Elisa girl. At least, if you go home, go home thinking that you did the right thing."
I nodded and sat back.
"You know, I worry about leaving you two alone sometimes," Nick said standing over us. "Ever since I introduced you--."
"Shut up," AJ told him. "You just need to shut up. You disappear, leave your girl here. We’re just talking, having a conversation."
Nick smiled, and I pulled him down next to me. "You know, that we--."
"Yeah, yeah," he said. "Soft spot. Whatever. So what? Are you guys planning something? Going somewhere?"
"No way," AJ said. "We’re sitting here waiting for you, Frack. On pins and needles wondering where you are. See? Look at us!"
Nick smiled again and pushed AJ’s head. "Smart ass."
"Dumb ass." AJ reached over me to poke at him, and Nick giggled.
"Guys," I said trying to get out from under them. But they continued to go at each other, pushing, tickling and giggling. "Hey. Stop."
They ignored me, and I got a few playful jabs taken at me.
Nick was laughing, practically in my ear, pulling me closer to him to get away from AJ.
I tried to stop his hands. "Stop it, AJ. C’mon."
"Aw, I got you both," he said. "You both just cower into a corner and--."
"Jay? Nick? Hello? Isn’t it time for the check?"
We all looked up to find Kevin standing in front of us.
"Um, yeah," AJ said. "We were on our way over there, but Elisa attacked us. She held us down, Kev. She wouldn’t let us go."
"Yeah," Nick said pulling himself off the couch. "She made us stay."
Kevin gave me a sympathetic look. "And you’re enjoying this?" He rolled his eyes. "Let’s go, guys."
AJ followed right away, but Nick sat back down. "See how much fun we have?"
"Yeah, lots of fun." I gave him a light push for all his little games, but he grabbed on to me and didn’t let go.
"Um, I have something planned after the show. I probably won’t see you again until then, but I want to go out to dinner. Mike helped me make plans in this little place near the harbor that will still be open," he said. "I’ll be ready really fast, and then we can go. Okay?"
"Sure, honey," I said. "That sounds good."
He smiled and pulled my chin up to kiss me. I kissed him back with my mind set on blank the whole time. AJ’s words pushed way to back of my mind where I couldn’t find them as long as I close to Nick. As long as our lips were connecting, and my heart beat with a loud thud every time I felt his tongue push in and out of my mouth, I didn’t want to think about anything.
"Any day now, Nick!" someone shouted.
He just laughed mid-kiss. "I’d better go. See you later." He stood up.
I waved from the couch, "Bye."
"Bye."
Right after the concert, we all piled on the bus and raced back to the hotel. The guys had flights to catch, and everyone was anxious to get home.
"What are you going to do?" Brian asked from across the aisle.
"Hang out," Nick said. "I’ll probably drive home, though. Mikey is supposed to have rented me a truck already." He shrugged. "You’re ready to get home, huh?"
"I’ve been ready," Brian said. "I’ve been ready since we got on the road. It’s going to be nice to have a break."
Nick held my hand a bit tighter and nodded. "Yeah, it is."
"But call me and let me know where you are, okay Frack?" he said. "Don’t just disappear."
"I will. I promise."
Brian chuckled and was the first one climbing off the bus when we came to stop.
"Bye Nicky," he said pulling him into a huge hug. "Bye Elisa. You guys be careful, okay?"
"We will, Brian. Have a good break," I told him.
He smiled and gave Nick a thumbs up before making his down.
We stopped in the hotel lobby while Nick talked to Mike and got directions to where we were going. I had been keeping my mouth closed the whole time because I was afraid of what I was liable to say. It seemed like my brain, my heart and my mouth were all working against each other. Besides, I knew I was going to have to do a lot of talking in a little while.
"Hey, you two taking off now?" Kevin asked as he hurried out of the elevator with his stuff.
"Just to dinner," Nick explained. "I’ll probably won’t leave until tomorrow."
"Well, I’m leaving now. My flight leaves in about an hour and a half, and I’m ready to be home." He smiled. "You guys take care."
Nick gave him as big a hug as he had given Brian. "You too. Say hi to Kristin for me."
"I will," he said not letting go. "You take care, baby. Okay?"
Nick chuckled. "Okay."
Kevin turned to me, and I smiled.
"Good-bye, Elisa. Don’t forget that we have a talk pending."
I half-laughed. "Yeah we do, huh? Have a good break. See you in Austin."
"That’s right," he said and gave me hug as well. "See you in Austin. You guys have fun."
"Bye," I called as he walked away.
"Bye," he waved.
Nick threw his arm around me. "See? See, how he doesn’t hate you? What talk do you have pending?"
I shook my head. "Something we started talking about relationships earlier. It was nothing."
"Oh, I see," he said with a laugh. "Are you ready to go?"
"Sure. What about AJ and Howie?"
"They’ll be around tomorrow. We’ll catch them then. Besides, knowing them, they’re off to some club. Let’s go."
Mike had rented Nick a big, dark blue Durango. It was like we were back home again driving around in the huge thing. But he didn’t have to drive very far to get to the restaurant in between a bunch of houses.
"Little Italy," he explained as he opened the truck door for me. "I figured we shouldn’t waste too much time driving."
"It’s nice," I said looking around the empty restaurant. Actually, it was deserted. All the tables had the chairs piled on top of them, and all the candles were extinguished.
"Come on," he said pulling my hand and making his way inside the darkened room. He followed a tiny flickering light to a round, candle-lit table. There was already a bottle of wine out. "I think this is it," he said.
I looked around at our shadows on the walls. There was no noise in the whole place. "Are you sure? Where’s everybody?"
He shrugged pulling the chair out for me. "Maybe it’s just us?"
The candles made his eyes glow just like the sun reflected on the waters. He smiled.
Leave it to him to do something like this.
"Good evening," a man said softly. I hadn’t even heard him walk to the table.
"Hi," Nick said and watched him pour the wine. "Thank you."
"You’re welcome. Everything will be right out."
"Thanks," I said. "Everything?"
Nick shrugged. "I let Mike plan all of this." He laughed. "We can both get surprised. Do you like it?"
"It’s great, it’s just so quiet."
"That’s okay. We have a lot to talk about. But before we do that, I wanted to show you something," he said reaching for his jacket to take out a small package.
Pictures.
They were the pictures Laura had taken of us when we had gone to the mall that first time. I had let him have them thinking I’d never see them or him again. When he lived in town, he had a few of them up on his wall.
"Wow, look at these," I said glancing over at how silly we looked. He looked so young. "You were a baby," I said. "Look at you. All that hair."
He smiled. "I keep them with me all the time. For two reasons," he said when he saw me look up at him. "I like to remember you. You’re so beautiful. But I like to remember how I felt back then. The sadness, the desperation. I appreciate what I have so much more now."
I nodded flipping over to pictures of us kissing at an amusement park. Others of us sitting around looking forlorn at the mall. "We were something else. We were so lost."
He nodded. "You’ve graduated since then. You have your job. We were together for a year. I’m back with the guys, and now we’re together again."
I looked up at him again. "So few sentences. So many things."
The man came back and placed salads and bread in front of us. I pushed my plate slightly away to keep looking at the pictures.
"You need to eat," I told him. "Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you don’t exactly take care of yourself."
He tired to suppress a laugh while he chewed.
There was another picture in the stack. We had gone to South Padre Island when were together. He had a picture of us looking very tan and very happy. We were on the beach, and he was standing behind me with his arms around my waist.
It was my turn to laugh as I remembered how that was the first night we slept together.
"What?" he asked taking it from me to look at it. "Oh. South Padre."
I laughed. "Yeah. South Padre."
"We did a lot of cool stuff," he said giving it back. "We had some really good times. Huh?"
I put the pictures away and put my plate back in front of me. "We had some awesome times, Nick. I’ve never had more fun with anyone else, ever."
"Me either," he said. "Not ever again."
I looked up at him. "You’re all of twenty-one. God knows you have a million more chances to have so much more."
He looked up like he hadn’t like what I said. I saw him sit up and clear his throat. "I want more. I want a million things more. A million times over. But I want them with you."
I knew we were going to get to this. I knew it, and I still had no idea what to say.
"Now, I know you’re going to say that you can’t. That I can’t. That there are so many things getting in our way. My job, your job, our ages, Daniel," he shook his head. "But tell me something. Tell me that you are one hundred percent sure that this is not going to work out. That there is no way in the world that you and me could be together. Tell me you’re sure."
"I’m not sure--," I began but he stopped me.
"Okay. Now tell me another thing. Tell me that you don’t want to try. Tell me honestly, that these last two days together haven’t given you doubts about Daniel. Tell me that you can’t even think about being with me. Tell me that."
I shook my head. "I can’t, Nick. I can’t honestly tell you any of that."
He sat forward and took my hand. "Okay. See? Now, was that so hard? Was it so hard to be honest?"
But there went my heart, my brain and my mouth working against each other.
"I know what I feel, Nick," I said. "But what I don’t know is what to do. What the right thing is for the both of us."
"Okay, what do you feel?" he asked. "Let’s start from there. Because I can tell you what I feel. I feel the need to be with you all the time again. I want to tell you everything that happens every day. I want to show you everywhere in the world that I have been, so you can see how beautiful it is. I want to sit with you and talk about things that are important. I want to be with you again. I know that. I know."
My heart thudded as I prepared to be honest. "I feel exactly the same way, Nick. I feel like being with you all the time. I miss you. I miss you every, single day believe it or not. I’m not a fan because of your great music. I’m a fan because it gives me that little bit of chance to hear your voice again. To remember what it was like to be close to you. But--."
He shook his head. "No buts. Nothing good ever came out of a but."
He made me laugh, and I had to regain my focus.
"But," I repeated. "But things are difficult for us. Don’t you see? Don’t you see that I..," I swallowed hard. "Don’t you see that I can’t do this again. I can’t love you and lose you again."
"That’s not going to happen," he said shaking his head. "Too many things were going on back then. It’s not the same now."
"Yes, it is. It’s the same."
"No," he said seriously. "Elisa, it’s not. Back then I was lost. I didn’t know what I wanted. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be here. But I thought I couldn’t have one without giving up the other."
I shook my head. "I don’t think you can."
He looked up, eyes wide. "What?"
"Well truly, how can you? If you’re honest with me, with yourself, how can it be? How can it work out? Do you even know?" I asked. "Do you have any idea?"
He looked around the table like the answer might be there. "We would work. We would try. I mean, there are phones, email. I get breaks. You get vacations. It’s not as impossible as you think. It’s not something the other guys haven’t done. Something we couldn’t do."
"And if it doesn’t work out?"
"Why do you always have to think the worst? Why can’t you just--."
"Because I already have believed in love. I already thought it was true, that it could happen to me and--."
He cut me off. "But you didn’t believe it with me. Things are different with me."
I shook my head. "You left. You left too. How was that different from anyone else?"
He looked around, a little lost. He even let go my hand and pushed his hands through his hair. He seemed to catch his breath.
I felt so evil.
But it was familiar. I was shutting down. I was protecting myself.
"Okay," he sighed. "Fine. It’s too soon. It’s too quick to be talking about all of this. Why don’t you just stay here with me? Why don’t we drive down to Florida, or I’ll take you back to Texas. Or we can just hang around here, till the end of spring break. Just relax?"
It was already too late for anything less in my mind. The doors had shut, and the walls seemed to surround me again. It was almost automatic.
"No?" he asked in disbelief. "Are you going to tell me no?"
"I have to go home," I said. "My flight leaves tomorrow."
"It’s just a couple of days, Elisa. I’m not saying our whole lives. Why are you so negative about this whole thing? It’s like starting all over again with you. Only it’s worse this time. This time, it’s like you’re haunted. Like something you can’t even see holds you back."
I bit my lip. "I’m sorry to be doing this to you. You’re the last person in the world who deserves this. I’m sorry."
He looked at the table. "Well, not as sorry as me," he said softly.
My breath escaped me and I knew I had done the one thing I hated doing. But it was the one thing I was always doing: hurting him. He didn’t deserve to be hurt like that, much less by someone like me.
"I’d better go," I told him.
He half-laughed. "Well, this is familiar."
I stopped. "Nick, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I’m being honest with you, and with myself. It’s all I can do."
"Honesty and fear are two totally different things," he said. "Even I know that."
"I’m glad," I said taking my jacket and purse again.
It only a few seconds for me to figure out where I was. My hotel wasn’t that far from the restaurant, and I could walk. Besides, the walk would do me some good. It might help me understand why I only got dumber as I got older. Because I should have stayed far away from him since I saw him. I should have known better than to even try.
The anger at myself made me hurry and make up to the room in no time.
"Hey," Josie greeted from her bed. She was watching TV. "Where have you been? With Nick?"
I nodded, dumped my stuff on the floor and started picking up the clothes I’d left on the bed earlier.
"You guys have a good time?" she didn’t wait for an answer. "I’m just so tired from the other night. I came straight to bed. The conference sucked. You didn’t miss anything by not going. I did meet this one guy, though. He was from Michigan. I think he’s actually going to call me."
I pushed everything I could inside my bag and got to searching for my shoes. They were somewhere. I didn’t lose them.
"Hey, I set the alarm clock early so we can do that," Josie said. "I haven’t packed a thing. Let’s do it in the morning. Did you see AJ today?"
I shook my head as I looked around for anything else that I might have forgotten. Just then, I saw the flowers right where he had left them.
"Are you all right?" she asked sitting up. "Did something happen? What’s wrong?"
The tears wouldn’t stop this time. They gushed right from my the bottom stomach all the way out without hesitation. Without even knowing how, I was sitting on my bed crying like there was tomorrow. Like even if there was, it was going to be full of sadness, loneliness and regret.
"Ellie? Ellie what is it? What happened?"
The truth is that I didn’t even know.
It took a long time for me to get the whole story out. Josie had this confused look on her face that reminded me of the way I always left Nick behind. I seemed to be the only one who understood what was going on right in front of me.
"Okay. Okay," she said. "So, you left him. He wanted you to spend the rest of spring break with him, and you just left?"
I nodded.
She sucked in air and looked at me. "Hey, it’s all right. Um, he’s a good guy, right? Right?"
"He’s a great guy," I said.
She was nodding. And she kept nodding like the more she nodded, the more she would understand. "Then, I don’t get it, Elisa," she finally admitted. "What on Earth is going on? What is with him? What is it with you? Are you blind? Are you that numb? What?"
I wiped my eyes and looked at her. "Numb?"
"It’s what you are, don’t think I haven’t noticed. Even when you’re with Daniel, when you talk about him, it’s not like you really feel anything for him. Sometimes," she hesitated, then started again. "Sometimes, I think you’re just so afraid, that you’re with him because that way you don’t have to deal with anyone else. You know that you don’t love him. That you still hold all those things from the past against him, and you can’t let them go. That way, when it’s over, there’s no pain. So, it’s easier to be with him than to keep looking, than to try."
I shook my head. "No. No, I care about him. Honest. I feel so guilty for doing all of this to him."
"To him? You’re doing something to Daniel? He’s clueless, girl. Bet you plan to go home and pretend like nothing. Like Nick was never even here."
I looked up at her. She was right.
She shook her head at me again. "Ellie! C’mon! Stop hiding your head in the sand like that. Love is going to hurt. Being with someone who is worthwhile is the most wonderful thing in the whole world, but it’s not easy. What you’re doing with Daniel is living in some sort of suspended animation where you don’t have to feel. You just go through the motions with him because it’s safe. It’s not honest. Nick’s the only person who’s ever even tried to keep you honest."
"But how can it be? How can anything be real when he’s--."
"He’s in love with you," she said and pushed my hair back for me. "He doesn’t care about who he is, about who you are, about how difficult things are going to be--."
"That’s it, Josie. That’s precisely it. He doesn’t care about how hard it’s going to be."
"Because he’s willing to try," she said. "That’s why he doesn’t care. He’s willing to stick out whatever problems, difficulties, obstacles, doubts, insecurities, and let me tell you, you have many, my friend, just to be with you. Oh my God, Elisa. Do you even understand that? Do get it? Wake up. Wake up, and smell the Nick."
I don’t even know how, but I was able to laugh.
"You’re so lucky," she said. "You’re so lucky to have someone like him, someone honest. Guys aren’t willing to try that hard anymore, you know? To stick it out and run after you like it matters. And all you ever do is run out on him." She shook her head. "I thought you were supposed to be smart."
"I thought I was being smart by staying away, by not getting hurt."
She threw her arm around me. "You’re hurting either way, aren’t you? You’re here crying because you left him behind. You’re back home with someone that you don’t love. Either way, it’s got hurt attached to it. His way, has some real love attached."
I rubbed my face and shook my head feeling totally lost. How could I be so lost that was the one who didn’t understand what was going on?
"Josie, I screwed up. I screwed up again."
She shook her head. "It’s still early. Where do you think he is? His room? Call him?"
"I," I began and fought against that little voice that always held me back. "Yeah, okay."
She put the phone in front of me and disappeared into the bathroom.
The phone rang forever. I sat there and listened to the silence I deserved. I had turned my back on him so many times that I deserved to be ignored.
"No answer?" Josie asked toothbrush in her mouth.
I shook my head. "That was his cell, so I guess he’s just not picking up. I’m gonna go."
"Go where?"
"To find him," I said grabbing my jacket quickly so that I wouldn’t change my mind. "If I don’t do this now, I never will."
She smiled. "Good luck, Ellie. No matter what, just be honest. Tell him the truth."
"Thanks," I said giving her a quick hug.
"Bye," she called.
It was really late. We had gotten back from the concert past midnight. By the time we got directions and made it to the restaurant, it was almost one. It was creeping on three in the morning when I got to their hotel. The lobby was empty, and I was heading for the elevator when I caught sight of AJ coming in.
"Hey," I called. "You barely getting in?"
He looked at me, something different in his eyes. "No, we actually got here pretty early today. Howie and me have an early flight back to Florida. What are you doing here?"
"I’m looking for Nick," I said. "I wanted to talk to him about--."
"Nick’s gone."
"What? Already? I didn’t think he’d leave ‘till the morning. Didn’t he say that he was going to drive? He just took off in the middle of the night like that?"
"Well, he couldn’t just stay here, right?" And he gave me this look that held all the contempt in the world. I knew then that they had talked.
I took a step back away from him. "Um, well, I called his cell and--."
He took a phone out of his pocket and tried to hand it to me. "This one? You want it? You can have it. He chucked it out the window when it started ringing."
"AJ I--."
"You lied," he said. "You flat out lied to him. I can’t believe that I was the idiot telling him to give you time, to try to understand where you coming from, to put everything on the line like that. I can’t believe that I was the fool who believed that he knew what he doing, that he was right to believe in you."
"Look, I’ve been confused--," I tried again.
"Yeah well, join the club. Everyone is confused. No one is ever sure when it comes to falling in love. It’s just something that you go with. Something you believe. But you know what really sucks about all of this?"
I didn’t answer. He was going to tell me anyway.
"That for two days you were here like nothing. You came to the shows. You slept in his room. You sat there, smiled, talked to him, talked to us, made everything seem okay. Made it all look like he had everything to win this time. Just like that."
"It wasn’t like that, AJ. I was thinking things through."
"What was there to think through?" he asked his voice rising. "I asked you for one thing. One. Be honest. What’s so hard about being honest? If you weren’t ready, you should have just walked away that first night."
"I couldn’t," I said. "I didn’t know what I wanted."
"What you wanted?" he rolled his eyes. "But you knew what he wanted. You saw him. You can’t stand here, all wide-eyed acting like you didn’t. You saw where the whole thing was headed in his mind. And you let him. You let him believe all the crap he was setting himself up for. I can’t believe you. I can’t believe myself. I trusted you. I fought for you. I stuck up for you. Even when Kevin had him going about not even trying, I got in there and gave my fucking two bits."
Each word hurt more than anything he could have imagined.
"And you go and do this." He shook his head. "It teaches me to keep my mouth shut."
My stomach sank, and I closed my eyes. Every single thing that he said was true. I had known. I should have stopped him before he got carried away.
"I’m sorry, AJ. I didn’t mean to...," mean to what? I wasn’t even sure.
He sighed and started for the elevator. "Why are you apologizing to me? Go home and apologize to yourself for being a fool, okay? That’s where you heading again anyway, right? Back home? Just run right back home. Bye."
I wanted to choke. I wanted just to disappear from the face of the Earth. Crying wasn’t even going to help anymore because somewhere between Josie’s and AJ’s words was the whole truth. It was truth that escaped me still.