When Daniel picked me up at the airport, I told him that I had caught a cold in Baltimore, and that’s why I looked so awful. (My eyes were swollen beyond belief, and I hadn’t had the smallest desire to even put on make up.) That’s why I didn’t want to go out to dinner. That’s why I didn’t want to talk.
"Want me to stay with you?" he asked as he walked me to my door.
"No. I’m fine."
"Are you sure? I can stay. Or you can come back to my place."
"I’m fine," I repeated. "I just need to get some rest, some sleep. Okay? We still have the rest of the week."
He nodded. "Yeah, but if you’re sure. I’m glad you’re back, though."
"I’m glad to be back."
Lying was getting so easy.
"I’d kiss you," he said. "But I don’t want to get sick."
"It’s fine," I said. "Bye."
I think he expected me to take it as a joke because he stopped me from going inside. "I was kidding, Ellie. I mean, I’ve been waiting to kiss you for so long, and--."
I pushed his hands off. "You’re right about the cold. Bye."
He looked at me surprised. Then he just nodded. "Okay. Bye."
The first thing I did was turn on the television and leave it on MTV. All the way home I had been worried that something might have happened to Nick because he had taken off when he was tired and upset. So I sat there in front of the stupid television for hours. It was like that Christmas all over again, only Laura wasn’t even around to check on me. She had moved in with her fiancé about a month after they got engaged. It was just as well. I needed to be alone for awhile even if it was just understand just what a big fool I was.
Because AJ was right. I was the biggest fool in the entire universe.
Somehow sitting, or lying, around crying for hours just didn’t seem to cut it this time around. I wasn’t the "wide-eyed" victim of circumstance that I had been in the past. I had learned that I was a liar living in a fantasy world. I had created this hell, so I was just going to have to live in it. Because hell is about guilt, and God knew that I had plenty of it. I felt guilty for leaving Nick behind, for lying to Daniel, to myself and for not even going to damn conference.
And I still had six days of spring break to revel in my stupidity.
Early that first evening the phone rang. I told myself that it was Daniel. It had to be. But my heart thudded at the mere thought that Nick could call.
"Hello?"
"It’s me," Josie said. "Are you okay?"
I sighed, disappointed, but it made sense. What business did he having calling, right?
"I’m fine," I said wiping my face. "I’m here."
"Have you eaten?"
"Yeah," I lied.
"Um-huh. Have you heard from him at all?"
"No. He’s not going to call, Jo. What for?"
"I don’t know. Listen, you want to do something? Go somewhere?"
"I’m fine," I said again. "Besides, I still need to talk to Daniel."
"You haven’t told him?"
"No."
"Are you going to?"
It was an incredibly good question. "I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now except I feel so guilty for not going to that conference. What am I going to say if they ask me anything at school?"
"I’ll cover for you," she said. "Don’t worry."
"But still. I feel so guilty. They spent so much money sending us over there, and all I did was," I stopped because I was trying to pretend I was okay. "All I did was screw up."
I heard her sigh. "It’s okay. Listen, cut yourself a break and stop feeling guilty. There will be other conferences. There are conferences all the time. Maybe we can go to one this summer."
"Yeah," I said just as a thought struck me. "Maybe. I’d better go. I’m gonna--."
"You’re gonna sit there and keep wasting away feeling guilty," she said. "I know the routine. I invented the routine."
"I have to go, really. I’m fine. I am."
"Okay," she sighed. "I tried. Please call me, okay?"
"Yeah," I lied. "Okay."
I hurried to get off the phone with her because I knew that I could help myself one way. I got on my computer, found a different education conference in Austin and booked myself a flight and a room.
In less than twenty-four hours and without a call to anyone who cared, I was gone.
 

I extended the mid-week, three day conference into a visit with my sister. She seemed surprised to see me, though she didn’t ask any questions. She had three kids under five, and I think she was happy to have me around to help.
I didn’t return home until very late Sunday night, and it was exactly what I wanted. I wanted to go straight from Austin to work. No time to think, dwell or even wonder what was going on anymore. And I would have done that except that on my way from the front door to my room, I saw a blinking red light. The answering machine.
It was really strange because no one ever called me, much less left messages, but I imagined that it was Daniel.
I sat on the coffee table and pressed the button.
"You have five messages," the electronic voice said.
Five?
"Hello? Elisa, it’s Daniel. I’m sorry about my little joke earlier. Please don’t be mad. Are you feeling better? Want to get together tonight? Call me."
"Hey. It’s me," Josie said. "You said you’d call me. Hello? Where are you? Call."
"Ellie, it’s Daniel. Okay, you haven’t called me. You’re not still mad, are you? Spring break is passing us right up. Give me a call."
"Elisa," Daniel began on the next message with a sigh. "Where are you? I’ve been calling, dropping by. What’s going on? Are you all right? I even called Josie, and she doesn’t know where you are. We need to talk, right? Please, please call."
I sighed and assumed the next message would be from him. I was about to click it off when I heard a familiar drawl.
"Elisa, this is Kevin. Kevin Richardson. I’m just calling to...," he sighed. "Truth is that I’m not sure why I’m calling. But listen, it’s Saturday night, and I’d like to talk to you. Call me when you get a chance," he recited his phone number. "I’ll be here. Bye."
My heart sank and thudded at the same time. It seemed to land in my stomach which immediately began to flutter. I actually felt sick. I knew that nothing had happened to Nick because I had monitored the news just to make sure. It was way too late for me to call because I knew that he lived in the East and no matter what, it was a two hour difference from El Paso.
I replayed the message to write down the phone number and didn’t sleep a wink the entire night.
 

Things are different for me when I’m at school. I have to put away all the bad things, and do my job. I can’t allow my students to even begin to imagine that there’s something wrong. They had no business knowing what a loser I was. So, I turned into a really good pretender. I guess to do this, you had to already be a good liar, like me. But it’s also a good thing because it usually enabled me stop thinking. But since hearing Kevin’s message, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking. What did he want? What was he going to say to me? It had to be about Nick, but what about Nick? No amount of pretending helped.
When I got home, I parked my car in the driveway and started up the walk to find someone sitting on my porch.
"Hey."
I swallowed hard. Kevin.
"Hi Kevin. I--," I began with no clue what else to say.
"I’m sorry. Big surprise, huh? I don’t mean to freak you out. I’m sorry." He stood up slowly almost as if to show me that he wasn’t going to hurt me.
"It’s fine," I said. "How are you?"
"Fine. Great," he said. "Let me help you with all of that."
I was carrying my school bag and the gym bag, which never got to the gym, but that I finally decided to drag off the car. "It’s fine."
He had already taken everything away from me.
"Thanks," I said. "Come in."
"Nice house," he said looking around. "I had forgotten. The funny thing is that I even remembered how to get here, you know? I didn’t think I would. I could probably find Frack’s old house pretty easily. I stayed there for so long. It took a little work to find yours."
I’d never heard him say so much in one mouthful except for the time he told me off.
"My parents left it for us. For me," I corrected. "Laura’s getting married, and she doesn’t live here anymore. Just dump that on the floor. Do you want something? Water? A soda?"
"I’m fine," he said he said setting my stuff down. "Thank you. I didn’t mean just to show up here after your work. You’re probably tired and all but..." He trailed off and actually gave me an embarrassed look. "I believe we have talk pending."
I forced a small laugh as I struggled to feel at ease. "Yeah, we do. Sit down."
I followed him around the couch and sat down next to him leaving a good amount of space between us. I don’t know why he still made me so nervous, why he intimidated me so much. I think being so tired actually made me feel more vulnerable, more lost.
He pressed a small smile. "How are you? Are you doing all right?"
I bit my lip and shrugged. "I’m here, Kevin. I mean, I guess I’m okay. I’m alive, right?  Is Nick okay?"
"He’s fine," he said right away. "He’s home now, I guess. That’s where he told me he was going. He called me when he got there, but I don’t know how long he was planning to stay."
"He told you what happened?"
He raised his serious eyes at me. "He drove straight to my house that day. I guess he must have taken off, what? Two, two-thirty in the morning?"
I nodded.
"He showed up on my doorstep pretty late."
I continued to nod because, though he was being so easy, I didn’t know how much information he was willing to give. He seemed to try to smile. It was almost like he felt sorry for me.
"I heard Bone really let you have it," he said.
"You did? AJ told you?"
He chuckled. "Those guys tell me everything. No matter what, how much older we get, no matter what happens, they just tell me." He nodded. "Jay called me pretty much the next day and told me the whole thing. I think he was mostly checking to make sure Nick was okay. He knew Frack would end up at my house. He always does. And since he dumped his phone and all, Bone couldn’t just call him."
I nodded. "AJ told me he did that. He was so mad."
"I’m sorry about how Jay acted with you. I don’t think he meant anything that he said. He was just--."
"Protecting Nick? I know. He’s lucky to have you guys."
"He was venting too, though. That’s why he said all that he did. He was really mad at you, you know?"
"I know," I said. "But he pretty much told me how it was. I don’t think he said anything that I didn’t deserve. Anything that wasn’t true. I am a fool, Kevin. I found that out last week. A fool and a liar." I shrugged. "Isn’t it strange how you think you’re living your life the right way, and it takes two people, who seem like strangers, to call you on everything you’re doing wrong? That’s what he did. That’s what Josie did. All I know is that they were right. I’ve been the biggest fool ever."
"Well, AJ got mad because he got involved. That’s not really his thing. That’s more my thing."
"I think I let him down as much as Nick. I was just batting a thousand over there, huh? I just should have stayed home."
He shifted to face me and shook his head. "No. Now listen, I’m here for a lot of reasons. But know right now that I’m not here to tell you off or give you a hard time. I know that we haven’t had the best relationship in the past. I know that I’ve been hard on you. But that’s because of Nick. I was being protective, like Jay was, you know?"
"I remember," I said. "I don’t think I could forget."
"I’m sorry," he said. "I don’t know what happens to me with the guys. I think it’s because I was the youngest in my family, that I take my role being the oldest seriously with them. I was way worse when they were younger. But I haven’t changed that much either, especially with Frack."
"I understand that," I said. "You have to know that I never wanted to hurt him. Not last week, not last year, not ever. I know what it’s like to see him upset, to worry about him. Sometimes, he believes too much in people. Gives too easily, like he did with me."
I heard him sigh again. "But don’t you see that’s what makes him who he is?" He looked around and finally back at me. "I don’t know about you, but I never want that to change. I wish I still had that level of trust in me, you know? I don’t trust anybody that I haven’t checked out completely. And that’s from bad experiences.  Frack’s the opposite. The more he’s disappointed, the more he trusts. It’s like he’s looking for something, you know?" He shook his head and clasped his hands in front of himself. "But that’s not why I came either."
"Then why?"
"I came to make sure that you were okay. Nick was kind of worried when you left. He knew from AJ that you had made it okay to the hotel, but he didn’t know if you had made it home. I promised that I’d find out."
I don’t know why those words made my heart flutter just a little.
"I called Saturday, and you weren’t here," he shrugged. "I didn’t receive a call on Sunday, so I worried a little."
"So you drove all the way out here? I didn’t call because I just got back in town last night. I tried calling your place today, but I got no answer. Kristin wasn’t even there."
"She’s working," he said simply. "I promised Frack that I would make sure everything was all right, so I did. But I also wanted to finish that talk we started in DC. Remember how we were talking about how it takes a lot of love to be in a relationship?"
I nodded. "Yeah. I remember. You thought about quitting because you never got to see Kristin, yet neither of you is willing to give up your careers?"
He nodded. "And remember how I told you that I expected her to be home when I got there? Well, she’s wasn’t. She’s working. She’s touring, and the last thing I want to do on break from our tour, is tour. Even with her." He shrugged. "She understands."
"When does she finish?"
"The week after we start up again."
I shook my head.
"We never see each other, I know. I know that’s what it looks like, but it’s not like that all the time." He sighed. "I keep getting off the subject here with you. I came to talk about Nick, not about me."
"Talking about you is talking about Nick," I said. "Don’t you see that you prove me right? That all my fears would have come true if I had stayed. If I had let him keep believing that we had something, then I would have ended up walking away when it was worse? When we were both so far gone that it would take forever for either of us to heal?"
He bit his lip. "Let me tell you that it hasn’t been so easy this time."
It was my turn to be sorry. I could just imagine what it was like for Kevin to deal with Nick upset.
"I see now that there’s something between you guys. I saw it in Baltimore," he continued. "You weren’t acting like girl who was interested in money, fun, living in the moment or anything like that. You were acting like someone who was interested in him. Someone who loves him. And someone who was confused by it.  I saw it in him when he showed up a mess on my doorstep." He gave me a look. "Don’t think that I didn’t curse you then. But here I see you’re not doing that much better."
I looked up.
"Have you seen yourself?" He sat up. "You have these dark circles under your eyes, and you’re face looks different from just last week. Have you eaten? Have you even slept?"
I looked around to get out of his gaze. It was hard enough to have him scrutinize me. For him to do it with concern was too much.
"I thought you guys were really going to make it this time. I thought you were going to make it work, even if just for a little while. I’m really sorry to find out that it hasn’t. Listen, I know that it’s hard. That you see what we do, and it looks a mess. The tours, the schedules, the interviews just seem like too much. But you know, sometimes, those things become teeny tiny. When you’re in love, they almost disappear."
I tried to smile, but the tears were making their way back. He never should have told me about Nick going to see him. That he was doing as badly as I was. I sighed and swallowed back as hard as I could.
"That’s how it’s been with us, with me and Kristin. Do you know how long I’ve known her?"
I shook my head.
He laughed softly. "My God, it’s been years. Like since before anything came together with the guys. We were together for awhile, and everything was perfect. I even considered forgetting about the business and doing something normal. Maybe being a teacher or a coach. I could see myself married to her, with a house, with three kids, and then here come the guys. My life changed. It was completely different. The whole world opened up to me, and I had a chance to try everything. I dated girls from all over the world, sometimes at the same time," he chuckled.
I closed my eyes and sank deeper into my couch as his story poured out.
"But every time I came home, every time I saw Kristin, this little part of me would just want to give it all away. It would just tell me to quit and go back to this girl. So we’d get back together and try to make it work, but someone would always mess up. She’d get tired of my schedule. I’d get tired of hers. She’d meet someone else. I’d meet someone else. It was just touch and go for years. We were like some bad romantic comedy always together at the wrong time."
I glanced at him, and he seemed lost in his thoughts. "So what happened?"
"We just kept working," he said slowly like it was a holy revelation. "That’s all. We kept getting together and going apart until we were together at the right time. We worked, Elisa. We’re still working now."
I sighed. "Yeah, that’s a great story. I’m glad that things have worked out for you. But look, I’ve ruined everything now, haven’t I? I mean, doesn’t he hate me after what I did?"
"This is Nick we’re talking about," he said. "Think about it."
I sat up. He half smiled at me then looked down at the couch pattern.
"Kevin," I began and felt my voice start to shake. "Kevin, I do love him. I love him so much, but--."
"Nothing good ever came out of a but," he chuckled. "That’s a Nick joke. I know you love him. I know you do. And you’re afraid, and you have doubts. But what’s bigger? The doubts or the love? More importantly, you went back, didn’t you? You went to find him?"
I nodded as the first tear slid out, so I pushed it away. "I finally started thinking straight, I guess. I had tried calling, but he didn’t exactly want to hear from me."
He nodded. "Yeah, I know. He doesn’t always think so straight either. Things have been hard on both you. He tells me you have boyfriend?"
"Daniel? God, I haven’t even seen him since I got back from Baltimore. When I got back, I went straight to Austin. I didn’t want to be here just thinking about everything I had done wrong. I know Daniel knows that something’s wrong. He’s been calling, and I haven’t taken the time to explain."
He gave me that familiar, dissecting look. "But this guy? Does he matter? Is he a--."
"He’s a mistake," I said. "I’ve strung him along because of all my insecurities. It’s a long story. Nick knows all about it. I’m just with him out of fear of being alone, fear of trying with someone else, plain stupidity. Pick one," I told him wiping away the next few tears. "They all make sense."
"God, you guys are so lost," he said softly. "It’s like you want the same thing, but he hurries like a train and you flit around like a humming bird. Zoom, really fast." He laughed.
I tried to laugh too, but the tears had started to come, and I hadn’t really cried since that night, so it was hard to stop.
He sighed. "Don’t cry anymore, okay? I think you get why I came, right? What I came to tell you?"
I nodded. "That he loves me? That he still does?"
He finally smiled big. "Yeah, girl. He loves you. He still does."
"Oh God," I finally sobbed and let the tears come. It was too good to be true. They were like a flood of relief, happiness and sadness all at once. I held my face in my hands and cried for what seemed forever.
For the first time, Kevin hesitated. "Hey, it’s okay," he said. "It’s fine. It’s fine."
I fought to regain my composure and catch my breath. "I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t--."
"It’s fine," he said again and barely touched my back. "Don’t say sorry. I’m just glad that you love him too. I mean, it’s a start, right?"
I nodded and sucked in air one last time to be able to talk. "Yeah. I think it could be a great start."
He repeated the big smile. "Good. That’s great. Catch your breath, okay?"
I nodded rubbing my eyes to stop the tears, but he pulled my hand away.
"Just like Frack. You shouldn’t do that. Don’t rub your eyes so hard," he said with a chuckle. "It’s bad for you."
I nodded and finally half-smiled.
"I’m hungry," he said. "Is there someplace you’d recommend? Some place close by? I drove all day, and--."
"I’ll take you," I said and cleared my throat. "It’s the least that I can do."
"Okay. I’ll let you take me under the condition that you eat too, okay? I’m not going to go back just to tell Nick you’ve made yourself sick."
"No, I’m fine," I said. "Let me just wash up, and we’ll go."
He nodded. "Okay."
 

I took him to a traditional, Mexican food restaurant on the other side of town. And though the conversation had changed what I thought about him forever, I was very aware that I still didn’t really know him. The only thing I did know was that he would do anything for Nick. Him driving all the way to my house proved it.
"I like driving," he said. "I never get to do it. And since Kristin’s not home, then I had no reason to stay home. I would usually go home to Kentucky to spend time with my family. Late last year, she was gone, and I went to Tampa with Frack," he laughed. "And we had a really good time."
"What did you guys do?"
"Everything. He has this awesome house right on the beach. It’s huge, and it has everything. Well, you’ll see it. But we partied a lot. I was already married, just a few months." He shook his head. "We still managed to have a good time. We even went to a football game."
Somehow, I think that was the only thing he was willing to be specific about.
"What are you going to tell him?" I asked. "I mean, about coming here?"
The beers we had ordered arrive.
"I’m not supposed to be here," he said with an unfamiliar sheepish look on his face. "I promised to make sure that you were okay. I never mentioned anything about coming over here. I was just sticking my nose into his business, as usual."
His admitting to being nosy made me laugh.
"What?" he asked with a smile. "I know I get involved when I shouldn’t. I do that to everyone, but I’m especially bad with him. But you know that, right?"
"Nick never complained about you to me," I said finding myself suddenly in the protective role.
"Yeah, right. He hates that I do stuff like this," he shrugged. "I don’t care. I don’t get involved in everything anymore, but I wasn’t going to just sit by while he’s miserable, you’re miserable and for what? I have started to trust him and his choices though, you know? If I didn’t I wouldn’t be here."
"You would have just let us be miserable?"
"No. I would have believed that he was better off. I would have worked to make him believe that he was too," he said seriously. "I would have believed that he just would have gotten over it. But here it’s been a year, and he hasn’t gotten over it."
I shook my head. "I’ll never get over it, Kevin. I’ll never get over him. I mean, I’ve gone on. I started dating Daniel, but it hasn’t been the same. Not with the same level of trust, or with the same level of abandon. With Daniel, I’ve just gone through the motions." Just like Josie said. "I just thought Nick was a fluke in my life. A glimpse at the real thing that got taken away."
He smiled. "That’s how real love is. That’s exactly how I feel about Kristin. She’s the real thing, but I didn’t let her get away."
We sat in silence for awhile. I wondered if he was missing her by then. No doubt that this was a different Kevin in front of me. Hell, it was whole different world.
"I was going to call you again today. Like I said, I was just in Austin," I said. "I just was at work."
He shrugged. "It’s a nice drive. I don’t get to spend lots of time in the desert. I didn’t mind, if that’s what you’re thinking."
I don’t know if it was the fact that I knew that things were okay with Nick, or that we had eaten some chips and salsa while we waited for our food, or maybe that the beer was hitting me, but I was feeling better.
"I was thinking that you were here to tell me off," I said honestly. "After the whole AJ thing--."
He rolled his eyes. "Will you let that go?"
"Yeah, but he’s still mad, huh?"
"He doesn’t know how things are turning out. He went off to do his Johnny stuff. Bone can’t sit still for two minutes. Hey, speaking of turning out, I haven’t called Frack."
"You’re going to call him now?" I asked surprised because it made me imagine him even closer.
He pulled out his cell. "I was supposed to call since I heard from you. It’s still early over there, right?"
I checked my watch as he dialed. It was seven my time, so it was nine in Tampa. "Early enough," I said.
"Shh," he said putting up his finger. "Hang on."
Like a silly girl, my heart beat just a bit faster knowing that he was calling him. I tried not to laugh.
"Hey... Hey man... Yeah, I’m fine," he smiled at me. "Yeah, she’s fine. I called... Um-huh...Yeah... I don’t know, Frack... I don’t know...I don’t know that either... Look, you told me just to make sure she’d gotten home okay, that’s what I did... Um-huh...," he widened his eyes at me and shrugged. "She sounded tired, I guess... I don’t know... Okay... Yeah, I don’t know when Kristin will be back, so I might just take you up on that... Sounds good... Okay... Call me if you need anything... Okay."
I sipped my beer while he said good-bye.
"Well, he’s doing good," he said putting the phone away. "He wanted to know if I’d go down to Tampa now. I guess he gets tired of being alone."
I smiled.
"Wanted to know if you were still going to the Austin show."
"Like I could wait that long to see him," I said with a laugh.
"So what are you going to do?"
"Lots of stuff, Kevin. I have to straighten out a few things before I go looking for him."
"Like what?"
"Like break up with Daniel, like ask for a personal so I can get out to Tampa, like tell you thanks a million times, maybe apologize to AJ."
He was laughing. "Well, those first few things sound really good. But you don’t have to thank me, and I doubt Jay needs an apology. He wants what I want. Just be good to him," he smiled. "Or else."
"I’ll take that really seriously," I said as our food arrived. "I never want to be on your bad side again."
He laughed.
We were at the restaurant for awhile talking and laughing. It was funny to see how different we were. He and I were closer in age than I was to Nick. But Kevin was a world apart from either of us. I don’t think I knew anyone who seemed to carry so much responsibility on his shoulders. For so long, I had solely felt responsible for myself. He never once mentioned feeling responsible for the guys, but I could tell that he was, even now that he was married.
"Kristin’s cool," he said as we walked to my door. "She loves the guys as much as me. I think that’s the one thing that makes everything so much easier for me than it is for Brian."
"Why?"
"Leighanne’s not always too enthusiastic about the guys. Well, she likes them fine. But say, if Brian was the one out here with you, instead of me, she would never understand."
"Kristin understands?"
He laughed. "You think I came out here without her knowing? I don’t have a death wish. Yeah, she’s fine with everything. I think she figures the fewer problems with the group, the more time I get to spend with her."
"Good strategy," I said as we stepped onto the porch.
I heard a strange crunch under my feet.
"What’s that?" Kevin asked. I guess he heard it too.
I bent down to pick up pieces of plastic. They were tiny, and they were everywhere.
"It’s a CD case," Kevin said picking up the remnants of a disfigured jewel box.
I looked around to spot dark colored pieces of glossy paper all over the floor, more plastic and finally my CD. My Black and Blue CD.
"What on Earth?" Kevin asked confused as he pieced back together pictures of himself and the guys.
I tired to wipe the million of scratches off the back of my CD with my shirt. "Daniel," I said knowingly. "I left this in his truck when he took me to the airport. He was always threatening to do this."
"Do this?" he asked confused. "Wait. Get off the porch."
"Kevin, it’s fine. He’s too much of a coward to do anything--."
He pulled my arm and made me get off the porch as he looked around.
"The porch light is a tiny bulb. If he was hiding in the bushes, we’d already be dead," I told him. "He’s too much of a coward to do anything. Besides, he’s probably just mad."
"He’s a freak," he said finally satisfied that no one as lurking in the bushes. "Give me your key."
I knew better than to argue, so I let him open the door.
"I should have talked to him," I said. "I shouldn’t have let things get this far. He’s just a dumb guy, and I know I’ve been driving him crazy."
Kevin was looking around the house, but I was sure Daniel was gone.
"You have a knack for driving people crazy," he said dryly.
"I don’t mean to. I mean, I think I just get confused, and sometimes, I don’t know what to do."
"I don’t think he’s here. Does he have a key?"
"No. I never give anyone a key."
"Good," he said. "Good enough. Are you going to call him? Talk to him? I think you should," he said not waiting for an answer. "I want to see how he reacts. I’m not going to be comfortable leaving you here if he freaks out."
"Kevin--," I tried to start, but he wouldn’t let me.
"Call, okay? Please."
No one could probably ever argue with that man. I picked up the phone and called.
"You can sit," I told him while the phone rang. "Or watch TV."
"I’m gonna call Kris," he said pulling out his phone again.
"Hello?" Daniel answered.
"Hey, it’s me. Thanks for bringing back my CD."
He was quiet.
"Look, it’s fine. I don’t care about the CD. It doesn’t hurt my feelings that you did that," I said. "I guess you know that--."
"Who’s that guy I saw you walk out with today?"
I rolled my eyes. So that was it. He had seen us.
"He’s a friend. And look, it doesn’t matter that you know who he is. I just called to apologize for the last few days, and to tell you that I can’t see you anymore."
More silence.
"Daniel?"
"What? You don’t think I had already figured as much? Fine. If that’s what you want Elisa, that’s fine."
"It’s what I want," I said assuredly. "I just wanted to apologize for not telling you sooner, for not being more honest."
"Well, what was I supposed to expect, huh? I mean, all these years, you haven’t changed. You’re still that stupid, lost girl who doesn’t know what she wants."
"Look, I didn’t call to hear you analyze me. I just wanted to tell you that--."
"Save it, Ellie. Save it for the next stupid guy who puts up with your bullshit. The next idiot..."
I looked up to find Kevin watching me apparently already finished with his call. I didn’t exactly want him to know that Daniel had decided to try to tear me apart.
"... because that’s all you know, Ellie. Go from one fool to the other. You’re so scared to commit that you’re content just fucking whoever comes along, right? It’s fine," he was saying. "No apologies necessary. I know how things are with you. How stupid you are."
I didn’t care what he had to say to me at that point, but I wanted to get off the phone so that Kevin wouldn’t think anything bad. I understood very well by then, that thinking the worst was just his nature.
"Fine then," I said calmly. "I’ll put your stuff on your porch tomorrow. Thanks for understanding. Take care."
"Understanding what? That you’re crazy? You--."
I put the phone down and smiled at Kevin. "Done."
He eyed me. "Everything’s fine? He’s cool with it?"
"He doesn’t have a choice," I shrugged.
"Yeah, but did he take it okay? He didn’t threaten you, did he?"
"No, no threats," I said. And it wasn’t a lie.
He sighed. "Okay. If you’re sure. If anything happens, you call me. Okay? There’s my number." He pointed to a scrap of paper on the coffee table. "I got a room at the Westin, and I’ll probably take off tomorrow sometime, so I’ll be around."
I nodded. "I’ll be fine. Don’t worry."
"Why does everyone always tell me that?" he said as he started for the door. "Do I look like that much of a worrier?"
I tried not to laugh but failed. "Thanks Kevin. Thanks a lot, for everything."
"No problem," he said. "Take care of yourself and do the right thing. Okay?"
I smiled. "Okay."
He pulled me into a quick hug. "Good-night. Please, lock everything up."
"Done," I said flipping the lock on the door as he stepped out. "Be careful driving."
"Done," he repeated. "Take care."
 

Once again back in reality the next day, I didn’t have time to think about everything that had just happened. Much less about all the possibilities that finally lay at my feet.
I could call Nick.
I could finally hear his voice again and try to regain his trust. Just the thought of finding my way back to him made me dizzy. It was dream that I had regretfully woken from and found once again.
"That’s one big smile," Josie said catching up to me as I locked my door at the end of the day.
"Hey," I greeted. "Guess what I’m doing today?"
She laughed. "Before taking that trip to Baltimore with you, I would have said something like washing your hair or doing your nails. I have now come to find out that you have this whole other side that I never knew. So, what are you doing now? Got any more rock star boyfriends hidden away."
I had to laugh. "No. I don’t have any rock star boyfriends hidden away. I’m calling Nick today."
"You are?"
We stepped outside as I nodded. There were no kids around since school had let out more than an hour earlier.
"Yeah," I was saying. "I talked to Daniel yesterday and finally squared things away. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know how much time we’re going to get to spend together, but I’m willing to try. I’m not going to sit around and...," I dropped off as I recognized Daniel’s truck making its way down the street. "Shit."
"What?" Josie asked searching her purse for her keys.
"Nothing. I’d better go," I said hurrying to my car. "I’ll let you know what happens."
"Yeah, I’ve heard that from you before. Good luck, Ellie. I hope you get your boy," she called as she crossed the street to her car.
"Thanks," I said disabling my alarm and rushing the last few feet to mine.
"Hey."
I had the door handle in my hand, and I was tempted to just get inside and ignore him. After what he did to my CD, I figured it was better that I just stay out in public.
"Elisa?"
I turned around slowly but never let go of the door handle. "Hey Daniel. I don’t have your stuff yet. I wanted to pack it up today, but--."
"It’s okay," he said with a small shrug. "I don’t really want anything back from you. I just wanted to talk. Is that okay?"
I shook my head. "I don’t think that we have a lot to talk about."
He looked hurt. Sometimes, I caught glimpses of my ex-best friend, the guy who had been there for me so many times that I couldn’t count them. Sometimes, I just forgot about how bad things had gotten between us.
"Well, I’d like to talk to you," he said. "You can just listen. Can you do that for me? Just that one thing?"
I let go of the handle and leaned on my car. "Sure."
He looked at his shoes for what seemed like a long time then up at me. "I’m sorry."
"There’s nothing to be sorry about. You didn’t do anything wrong. Things just weren’t meant to be with us, and--."
"No, you don’t understand. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry," he said finally looking at up me with a look that I didn’t recognize. He stepped closer to me, and I inched back against the door.
"Daniel, maybe you’d better let me go," I said.
"Why? Why? Why do I have to let you go now that you’ve finally come back to me? Why are you making things so hard for us?"
Shit.
Shit.
I regretted letting Josie go a million times over. He was acting strangely and looking at me like there was something I didn’t know that was very clear to him.
"I have to do something important at home," I said stupidly and felt around for the handle again. "I have to do it today, and--."
He grabbed on hard to my arms and the motion made me tug on the handle and open the door. I tripped forward as he pulled me for a second then pushed me against the front of the car.
"Listen," he muttered through clenched teeth. "Listen to me Elisa, things aren’t going to end like this with us. I’m not just going to disappear like all the assholes you’ve had go through your life. I know you. I know what you’re like. Why the hell do you even try? Why even go on and find something better when you that you can’t? When you know that you’re still you, and this is the best that you can do."
I was shocked into place, and all I could do was blink. The folder of un-graded papers I had been holding had fallen to the ground and a few of those papers flew past me in the spring breeze.
"What? Did you think you were going to change?" he asked. "Don’t you remember how I met you? How we were drunk and half naked in my car two hours after meeting? Don’t you remember everything that you told me? How you cried because no one ever gave you the chance to be more than that easy girl you had become? I gave you that chance. I gave it to you. I’m the one who saw you for more than your ass. It was me. Don’t you remember that--."
In the next second, his hold was gone, and he was out of my face. I realized then I was breathing out way more than I was breathing in. The only reason I seemed to be standing was that I was leaning on my car.
I blinked and tried to catch my breath, tried to figure out what was going on.
Muffled words surrounded me, and then I sucked in air and tried to regain some control.
"Are you okay? Are you all right?"
I knew that was Kevin’s voice because I heard it, but I was having a hard time looking up from the ground. "Elisa? Elisa? C’mon!"
I felt his hands at my elbows, and I pushed him off. My whole body rejected his touch the way it should have rejected Daniel’s.
"It’s okay," he was saying and sounded out of breath. "It’s all right. He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone."
I started shaking then, uncontrollably.
"Oh my God, oh my God," I heard myself say. "Oh my God, I can’t believe that he... that he..."
"He’s gone," Kevin repeated. "He’s gone. He didn’t do anything to you, did he? Did he hurt you? Are you all right?"
I finally nodded up at him, and the look of worry on his face made me break.
"Oh my God," I cried. "Oh my God, I can’t believe him."
"Sh," he said touching my hair. "It’s okay. You’re all right. You’re all right, right? That’s all that matters."
I gave in to the tears of fear and shock that wouldn’t stop.
I heard him sigh and pull me into his arms. "I’m sorry," he said. "I’m sorry that I didn’t get here sooner. I was driving by to say good-bye. If I hadn’t found you here, I was going to go to your house. Are you all right? Did he touch you? Did anything happen?"
I pulled away from him and shook my head. "No. He,... he didn’t do anything like that. He just...," I stopped and pulled myself completely away from him not wanting him to know how those words had hit me.
"He just what?"
"He just scared me. That’s all."
He sighed and shook his head. "I think we’d better get out of here, okay? Let’s get your stuff."
But it was all over the parking lot. Papers with my children’s names were stuck against the fence.
"C’mon," Kevin said putting a hand out of me after we had gathered what we could. "I’m taking you with me. Somehow, we can come back later and get your car."
I shook my head. "No. You need to go. You need to go home. I’m fine."
"I’m not leaving you here," he said. "I’m not leaving you here, and you are not going back home tonight."
I picked up another math paper. "Kevin, I have to. And you have to. What are you going to do? Stay here and get in a fight with him whenever he’s around?"
"No," he said. "But that doesn’t mean that you’re handling all of this alone. Abusive guys don’t stop until--."
"He’s not abusive," I said. "He’s just mad. And he just--."
He pulled the papers I had collected out of my hand. "Don’t. Don’t start making excuses for this guy. Don’t even tell yourself that there’s anything that explains any of this. There isn’t. I’ve been mad at girls for breaking up with me, but that never gave me the right to lay a hand on them, not for a second. You need to get out of here."
"Where am I going to go?" I asked more loudly than I wanted to. "What the hell am I supposed to do? Leave work? Nothing happened, Kevin. I’m fine. I never plan to see him again. He probably will never come back here, and it’s over. It’s done."
"And if it’s not?"
I sucked in air and shut the door of my car. I was too tired to deal with anything anymore. All I wanted was some piece of my normal life back.
"Let’s just go," Kevin said again. "Do me this one favor and let me take you home."
I glanced back at my car and back up at him.
"Please?" he asked.
I just went. I sat in his truck and watched the familiar streets turn dark right before my eyes and wondered why they looked so strange. Maybe it was because Daniel’s words had brought back thoughts I had long hidden away. I knew I wasn’t that girl anymore, but I wasn’t sure exactly how far away from her I had gotten. Maybe that’s why my life continued to take these pathetic turns. I still hadn’t paid for my past.
"Can you get any time off?"
His voice startled me away from the window. "What?"
"Can you get any time off?" he repeated. "Just a couple of days? Like Thursday and Friday?"
I shook my head. "We just had spring break. I can’t stay home and hide because of this, Kevin."
"Not to stay home," he said. "To go to Tampa."
I rubbed my forehead trying to let it all settle. "What?"
"Well, it would do you some good. I could get us there pretty quickly if we left tomorrow night. Day and a half, tops. You could spend the weekend with Nick and fly back Sunday night. It would give you guys time together, and I think you need it."
The truth was that I did have personal days available. All I had to do was ask.
"We could just fly up there, too," he said with a shrug. "It’s not like I couldn’t leave my truck at your house and come get it later. You could be there Wednesday night."
Seeing Nick would make everything perfect. All the crap in the entire world always disappeared when he was around.
"Just think you, Nick, the beach. Of course, I’d be around, but I can stay out of the way," Kevin said, then he laughed.
He almost got me to laugh, but I just shook my head.
"Say the word, and I can get the tickets," he said. "Say the word, and you could make one thing in your life a whole lot better today."
I shook my head. It was like the more I shook it, maybe things would settle in differently, and then they’d make sense.
"You make everything sound so easy," I said.
"What’s hard about it?"
"I have to call the principal. I have to make plans for the substitute. I have to--."
He pushed his cell phone on me as he turned on to the freeway. "If you don’t know your boss’ number, you can call information."
 

"I can’t believe he left a bruise," Kevin was saying as we finished buckling into our seats on the airplane early Wednesday evening.
I pulled down my jacket sleeves to cover up the slightly purple skin right above my wrist.
"Me either," I said with a shrug.
"Should have called the police," he said.
"It’s not that big a deal. I’m having a hard enough time just accepting that I’m even on this plane, Kevin."
"Why?"
"Because," I said. "Because I’m going to miss two days with my kids. And we just had spring break. How responsible is that?"
He laughed. "Two days to your second graders? How much of a difference does that make in a whole school year?"
I shrugged again. He was right.
He flipped through the magazine he had brought on board then shook his head. "You’re just having doubts about Nick, not about your kids."
"Not Nick," I said immediately. "Not him. I could never have doubts about him. If anything, I doubt myself."
He pushed the magazine into the pocket on the seat in front of him. "What? Why? Why do you have doubts about yourself, Elisa? I don’t understand so many of the things you do. And let me tell you, that part of my job is understanding people. I have to. I have to understand why the guys do what they do, why Kristin does, why the press does. When those things don’t make sense to other people I have to make explanations. But you? I don’t understand you."
I glanced down the aisle as the last few people boarded eyeing us as we sat in first class.
"When Nick showed up at my house last week, I tried to explain it to him. I tried to tell him that you were just insecure about his intentions. I told him that it was the age difference. I even told him that maybe you were in love with that Daniel guy," he shook his head. "After getting to know you better these last few days, none of that makes sense. You love him. I see that just in the mention of his name. You love him in spite of the age difference, the distance and the wrong choices you made with that guy. So, what is it? What is it that gives you those doubts?"
I wondered the same thing. It was an age-old question that I would never be able to answer.
"Well?" Kevin prodded.
"I don’t--," I began but just then they started giving safety instructions, and I decided to listen. I had flown twice in the last week, but I decided that it was just best to listen.
He let me stall for that little while then went right back to it. "You don’t even know yourself, do you?"
"No," I admitted. "I don’t. I don’t know why I push Nick away. I don’t know why I just put my job before everything else. I guess it’s just a good excuse to not do anything else, to not get involved and to not get hurt."
"Has it been that bad?" he asked softly now. "Have things been that bad for you that you don’t even want to try?"
The plane began to back out. "They’ve been bad enough."
I was starting to wish he’d just be quiet. But I also knew that I needed his understanding. It would make things a lot easier with Nick.
"Everyone has bad experiences," he said. "My heart was ripped beating out my chest before Kristin came along." He shrugged. "You should have seen me then. I became a really good typical jerk. I went out on my girlfriends. Made a million promises that I didn’t keep, and I called it having a good time. Really, I was just protecting myself and never let anyone in, so that I wouldn’t get screwed again. I guess that’s why things with Kris never worked out until I was over that. Until I had been angry so long, that I had forgiven myself for being young and stupid and moved on."
His words finally made me turn to him as the plane began to speed down the runway, and we took off.
"Why are you doing this?" I said over all the noise.
He looked confused. "What?"
"Why are you even trying this hard? I can see why you went to find me. You had to reassure Nick that I was all right. But to go this far, Kevin? To take me all the way over there? Why?"
I saw him swallow back, and I guessed his ears were popping just like mine because I had to do the same. He shook his head, and we waited for the plane to finally make it into the air.
"Why are you doing this?" I repeated. "Do you think you’re making up for the time you came to take him back? I never blamed you for that. I never thought that you did anything but make him see what he already wanted. He would have left anyway."
"That’s right," he said. "I’m not making anything up to you, Elisa. It’s not about that. That wasn’t personal."
"Then? Then what’s this about? Why are you going out of your way to help us?"
He finally looked away from me and shrugged. "Just because."
I stopped.
I stopped trying to find out what was behind him because I already knew. This man didn’t seem to lie or connive. Whatever he was doing, it was because he thought it was right. I just hoped that we had the same idea of what right was.
 

"There’s no answer," Kevin said as we drove out toward Nick’s house.
Right after getting off the plane, we had rented a truck and started driving.
"I can’t believe he’s not there," he said surprised. "Damn."
"It’s okay," I told him. "He probably just went out or something."
"Yeah, but I didn’t drag you all the way over here so that he wouldn’t be home. Let me try the cell."
I watched the strange, winding road before me. Even in the darkness, I could tell that Florida sure was green, and that was great contrast to the desert.
"Frack?? Where the hell are you, man?"
I glanced at Kevin as he seemed to strain to listen to what Nick was saying.
"What?... What? ... I can’t hear you, man.... You’re where?....Where? ... What the hell are you doing there? And Bone’s with you?.... And Howie too?.... Great. That’s just great. .... No, I’m not mad, just surprised."
He stopped at a red light and shook his head. "Well, you’re staying out for awhile then?"
I smiled to myself. It just figured. Things with Nick would turn out this way for me. Just when I had made up my mind, he was nowhere.
"... can’t just go out there, Nicky.... Because I’m married, remember?" Kevin chuckled. "Well, I don’t know... I just don’t.... I’ll call you back... Yeah.. yeah... Later."
The light turned green as he clicked the phone back off and started down the road again.
"They’re out," he informed me.
"Out at a club?"
He nodded. "It’s so early, and they’re already at a club. I guess we could go to his place and wait. Wanna do that?"
"Sure," I said. "I waited this long, right?"
"Unless," Kevin said suddenly switching lanes and finding a place to make a U-turn.
"Unless what?"
He smiled at me. "Unless we just show up at the club. Surprise him there?"
I shook my head. "I’m not dressed for clubbing. I mean, I didn’t bring anything like that and--."
He laughed. "Like you have to worry about how you’re dressed. There’s no such thing as a dress code in these places. You look fine. What are you worried about?"
"But it’s a club. I’m going to feel--."
"Are you chickening out?" he asked. "Because if you are--."
I cut him off. "No. No, I’m not chickening out. I’m not. Let’s go."
He smiled. "That a girl."
I made him sit in the parking lot for almost twenty minutes while I debated whether even to go inside.
He shook his head at me. "Let’s just go. C’mon. What have you got to lose?"
I looked up at the dark warehouse club and decided that I needed more lipstick.
"You already did that," Kevin said in the closest thing to a whine I had ever heard come out of him. "Let’s just go inside."
"Kevin, he’s going to freak."
"Yeah well, he is. But it’s a good thing. You guys can finally spend some time together. Remember that you only have a couple of days."
I shook my head.
"You’re just scared," he said opening the door. "Let’s go."
I knew I had to follow because I didn’t want him leaving me behind, but my stomach was in pure knots as I followed a few feet behind him.
"C’mon," he said pulling my arm as we crossed the street and by-passed the long line outside the club.
"Hey Kev!" the guy at the door greeted. "How’s it going?"
"Good. Yourself?"
"Great. The guys are here. I didn’t think you’d be showing up anymore," the guy smiled. "Since you got married and all. Where’s Kris?"
"She’s working," Kevin said easily. "Can we get inside now?"
"Sure have a good time."
"Thanks," I said ducking past him through the door.
I hadn’t been at a club in what felt like years. Daniel and I never did the club thing. The thumping beat seemed to go right through me as the lights flashed and a million people appeared.
"It’s a big place," Kevin said over the noise. "I don’t think the guys hit the VIP room."
"You guys come here a lot?"
He nodded. "When we’re all in Tampa. But that’s not a whole lot. Nicky doesn’t like clubs too much, but when Bone’s in town, it’s his favorite thing to do."
I nodded as we started into the massive throng of people. Kevin hung on to my elbow.
"Want me to go first?"
I nodded and hung on to the back of his shirt as we fought to get through the multitude squeezing into the bar. It practically mixed in with the swarm that writhed on the dance floor.
"Hey," some guy smiled at me as we found a clearing that led to the stairs.
I ignored him and continued after Kevin.
"I don’t wanna go up there," Kevin said. "I know them. They’re not gonna be in the VIP room. Nick hates that."
I glanced around the boiling club. It was barely eleven, but everyone seemed to be having an exceptionally good time.
"Do you see them?" he asked me as he craned his neck.
He was way taller than me.
"No. Wanna get a beer?" I asked because I needed to relax.
He chuckled. "Yeah. Yeah, okay. Let’s get a beer."
We plunged back into the crowd, and I purposely stopped where the guy had smiled at me.
"Hey," he greeted again, and I wondered if that’s all that could come out of his mouth anymore.
"Hey," I smiled. "Excuse me. Can we get through?"
"Sure," he said then looked up at Kevin and swallowed hard. "Sure."
"Thanks," Kev said politely and we were finally pressed up against the bar. "Flirt to get through to the bar?" He laughed. "No wonder Nicky likes you."
I had to laugh. "Hey, I’ve done the club thing too many times not to know the tricks."
Kevin smiled and leaned over to get the bar-maid’s attention. Apparently, it wasn’t too hard because before I knew it, he was handing me a bottle of beer.
"Now what?" he asked after taking a sip.
After taking my own first sip, I already knew what. I saw him. He, AJ and Howie were talking to a group of girls on the other side of the bar. I saw him smile into the some girl’s face and start laughing at something she said. My stomach sank hard. I almost wanted to pretend that I hadn’t seen him, but Kevin was by no means that slow. He looked where I had been staring.
"Oh Nicky," he laughed. "C’mon. Let’s go say hi."
I held on to the bar. "I don’t know. He’s talking to someone."
"That’s some broad, Elisa. Some girl that probably came up to him and the guys. Who do you think he’d rather talk to? You? Or her?"
I swallowed hard because I had no idea. It was an incredibly good question.
"C’mon," he called taking a step away from the bar.
"I can’t," I said. "I don’t know if--."
"Then why’d you come? To chicken out?"
"I already told you that I’m not a chicken. It’s just that this is hard for me, Kevin. I don’t even know how he’s gonna--."
He pulled my arm again. "And you won’t know until you go find out. C’mon."
Shit. Shit. This guy never took no for answer.
My heart thumped against my chest as we pushed against the crowd again. It seemed to take us longer to get around the them this time, and I was glad. Maybe that girl and Nick had gone out to dance.
I had no such luck as we finally found our way around the bar. I wrenched my arm out of Kevin’s hold.
"Gimmie a sec," I told him. "Please?"
He shook his head at me. "Okay. Fine. I’m gonna go to the bathroom while you think about this. Mind holding my beer?"
I shook my head as he handed me the nearly empty bottle. Mine was still pretty full.
I hid behind a group of people at the bar so that Nick wouldn’t discover me before I got the guts to go up and talk to him. The blonde who was talking to him was still there, and now she seemed to have brought along a friend for AJ. I even heard AJ laugh over all the noise as the girl seemed to be in the middle of a very funny joke.
I could see the back of Nick’s head and he kept leaning his ear closer to the blonde so he could hear what she was saying. Every little while, he’d take a drink of a beer or smile at her. She was really pretty and looked about his age if not younger. She wore a dress with flimsy straps that revealed her slightly muscular shoulders.
I sucked in air. I was wearing jeans and a fitted black T-shirt because Kevin had convinced me that I didn’t need to change. I didn’t even know why I listened to him. Part of me wanted to put the beers down and run out just like I always had.
I was very close to doing just that when AJ and his girl headed to the dance floor. Just as he turned, I think I caught his eye and he did a double-take before I was able to duck. I saw his jaw drop, and he turned to Nick, but the girl pulled him before he could say anything.
My heart took a big, huge, loud pang, and I took a step around my cover.
God help me.
I pushed my hair off my shoulder and walked right up to him, like I had some business even doing that.
"Hey Nick," I managed to get out.
He was leaning in, listening to whatever that girl was saying, but his eyes darted to me. I saw the shock play all over his face as he straightened up. The girl looked at me curiously and tried to get his attention back.
"Nick?" she asked.
I smiled nervously. "Hi."
He squinted at me and closed his mouth. "Elisa?"
"Yeah. Hey. How are you?" I asked stupidly and realized I was holding two beer bottles in my hand.
"I’m fine. What are you doing here?" he asked.
The only thing I seemed to be able to do was smile. "I came to see you. I, I... I just came to say hi."
"Oh," he said. "Hi."
It was then that I got a really good look at him. He wasn’t tanked beyond consciousness, but he looked like he’d been drinking for awhile. His eyes were somewhat bloodshot and a little lost. He was wearing dark blue jeans and a beige-colored, un-tucked shirt.
"Nick?" the girl tried again.
"Yeah? I’m here," he said. "But hey, say hi to my friend, Elisa," he told her. "She’s just here for a little while. It won’t be long before she decides it’s time to go home. Again. That’s all she ever knows, just going home."
The blonde flashed a huge, false smile at me. "Hey."
"What’s your name again?" Nick asked her.
She pushed his shoulder and he laughed.
"You jerk!" she shrieked but kept laughing. "I’m Madison. All this time I’ve been talking to you, and you don’t even know my name!?"
Nick smiled at her, and his gaze returned to me. "Oh wow. What a surprise. You’re still here. What? Are you going for a personal record?"
My stomach sank hard, and the only reason those beer bottles didn’t fall out of my hands was that I was fighting hard to stay in control. He had the right to be mad at me. I couldn’t just ignore that. I had come all the way back here to apologize. If I was ever going to get him back, I had to start by doing that.
"Nick I’m sorry," I said.
"What?" he called over the noise.
I hesitated but took a step closer to him. "I said, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about what I did in Maryland. I didn’t mean to leave like that. I was just--."
He was nodded knowingly at me. "I know. I know," he said. "You were just scared, afraid, nervous, unsure, insecure? Right? Right? Pick a reason, and you’ll have Elisa Vazquez’s reason for running away."
Madison laughed hard, but Nick’s gaze remained on me.
"What was it this time, huh? Too in love with some jerk that would rather screw you than get to know you? Too busy with your job to even give us a chance? I’m still too damn young and stupid?  Or did you come up with a new excuse, Elisa?"
This was my worst nightmare come true.  I shook my head and started away from him, but he was right behind me.
"C’mon. I’d like to hear it," he said. "What is it now? Why’d you come? What’d you think was gonna happen?"
I dumped the bottles in a trash can and kept trying to get away from him, but he wouldn’t stop either.
"I was gonna just drop everything and run after you like a puppy? Like I always have? Elisa? Elisa?"
I wasn’t about to stop.
"There you go again, running off," he practically yelled. "Hey, the way you run you’d think you have somewhere to run to. Isn’t that what people say? That people don’t run away? That they run to something? What are you running to, Elisa? What did you--?"
I walked right into a Kevin’s dark blue shirt, and he didn’t move. But Nick finally stopped.
"I have to go," I said trying to step around him, but he held on to my arms and didn’t let me go.
"What are you doing? What’s going on?" Kevin asked.
"Train?" Nick sounded shocked. "What are you...? I mean, you guys came here ...?"
"Together? Yeah," Kevin told him as I moved past him, and he still wouldn’t let me go. "We came up here to surprise you. Are you drunk, Nick? What’s going on?"
Nick seemed to concentrate to try to understand what he was saying. He looked drunk. I couldn’t believe that Kevin even had to ask him that question.
"What did you say to her? What did you do?" Kevin was asking. "What happened?"
Nick blinked and shook his head. "Figures. Figures you’d come and make things even screwier than before. Just when I thought --."
"Hey, I didn’t make things screwier. Weren’t you just crying on the phone to me last week? Weren’t you the one who was trying to figure out what to do? Nick? What the hell are you doing?"
Nick bit his lip and looked past Kevin at me. I looked away. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me up right there.
"What? What are you doing?" Kevin repeated. "Do you even know?"
I was staring at the door hoping that I could make it without either of them noticing. But Kevin wasn’t letting go, no matter how hard I struggled against him.
"Let me get the hell out of here," I said pulling away from him. "Just let me go. Please? Please, just let me go."
"No," Kevin said. "I’ll take you. I can’t just let you go--."
"Let her go, Kev. It’s what she wants. It’s all she knows. If she’s not running away, she won’t know what to do with herself."
Kevin looked back at me then at Nick. "Frack, stop talking like that. You don’t even know what she’s been through. You don’t even--."
"And you do? You know what the hell’s been going on, and I don’t? Why?" Nick yelled his face suddenly red with anger. "How did I fall out of the loop and you suddenly fell in. I thought you two hated it each other."
"You’re just drunk."
"I’m not just drunk. I’m just finally seeing things straight, Kevin!"
I kept trying to break from his hold, but he just didn’t let go.
"Would you just listen?" Kevin asked sounding more exasperated than I’d ever heard him. "I went over there to talk to her. To help you."
"You went over there!?" Nick repeated. "You fucking went over there? You went all the way to Texas, to drag her back here? And for what? So you could look like the hero and she could run away again?"
"Nick, you’re plastered. You don’t know what you’re saying," Kevin said evenly. "Stop babbling, and--."
"I’m not babbling," he said and gave Kevin such a shove that I was able to break free.
I pushed past the drunks, the girls who were staring at Nick and Kevin and trying to find a way to go up to them and the security guards who were eyeing all of us not knowing quite what to do.
The damp air greeted me just as I stepped outside and past the line that was still going around the block. I practically ran past all of them and to the cab that was dropping off a couple on the corner.
"Can you take me to the airport?"
"Yeah. Hop in."
I climbed in and locked the door behind me. I didn’t even glance up as we passed up the front of the club. I was too busy trying to catch my breath and trying to stop my heart from beating straight out of my chest.
 
 

I rubbed my forehead trying to comprehend what had just happened.
Everything I owned but my purse was on the truck Kevin had rented. I was lucky to have credit cards to get me to the airport and home.
The only flight I was able to get back to El Paso wouldn’t leave until one in the morning. I sat down on an uncomfortable chair at the gate and sighed.
Why?
It was all that I could think. Why did these idiotic things happen to me? If I had already learned that it was better to protect myself and lie low, why did I end up taking stupid risks that only made things harder. I had been stupid to think things would have been different with Nick. That he just would have forgiven everything like a puppy. That was a good description for him. In the past, things might have been easier. But he was no longer that naive kid. I had burned him once before, and he was protecting himself, just like I should be.
The gate was practically empty, and the silence was a welcome contrast to the noisy club.
I leaned my head back and sighed trying to figure out what had happened in the last forty-eight hours. Everything stopped being real when Daniel showed up at the parking lot at school. After that, I had my reality chewed up and spat out at me too many times. Too many people knew the truth, and I didn’t.
I glanced down at the faded bruise on my wrist and tried to focus. There had to be a way for me to find normalcy again. I couldn’t just continue to live in limbo because it seemed worse than hell. At least life without Nick was just sad. Life without Nick but without my acceptance of that was miserable beyond description.
This was it then. It was over. Just like it had ended once at the airport in El Paso. It could end here. This could be good-bye forever, no going back.
I pulled up my knees and crossed my arms. That day, back at the airport, I hadn’t really cried because I was at peace letting him go. It was the best thing for the both of us.
This was the best thing for the both of us too, but this time, it hurt so much. I fought hard against the tears that just wouldn’t stop. I was the only person who sit alone at an airport gate and cry. Everyone else usually cried because they were letting go of someone. Well, someone had finally let go of me.
"If I had to bet my life on it, I would have bet you were here."
I didn’t even look up. The last thing I wanted to hear was more recriminations from Nick.
"Elisa?" he asked tentatively.
I finally pulled my face up and squinted at the light. The gate had filled up while I sat there and felt sorry for myself. Nick looked around as well then dropped himself into the seat next to mine.
I grabbed my purse.
"Oh there she goes again," he said softly as I climbed out of the chair and started for the other side of the gate.
I stopped. "That’s enough. I think you made your point very clear. I run away, all right? That’s what I do. That’s all I know. Don’t worry, it won’t be your business anymore."
"I swore I wouldn’t come here. I swore I would never speak to you again. After everything I went through last week," he said softly, "I swore I’d never, ever chase you down again. Or anyone else."
I finally looked over at him, and he looked hurt. I fought that little voice that never let me hurt him. Letting go of him was no longer a choice I had. It had to be done, and he was going to get hurt.  But so was I.
Then I looked a little closer. He had a slight bruise on the outside of his left eye.
"What happened to your face?" I asked.
His hand rose to touch the darker, purplish skin. "That? Kev and I got into it after you left."
"What?"
He shrugged. "I was pissed at him for riding in all high and mighty like he always does. He acts like I don’t know what I’m doing. Like he has to fix things for me. He didn’t even tell me that he was going to go see you." He shook his head. "And I was really pissed."
"And really drunk," I added. "He only meant well, Nick. He was just trying to help us."
I saw his lower lip disappear under his teeth, and he nodded slowly. "Yeah, I was drunk. I spent all of last week upset and keeping to myself. I was climbing the walls thinking about how I always screw up when it comes to you. AJ finally came to town and took me out. He said that I wasn’t going sit around feeling sorry for myself. That you weren’t...," he trailed off.
"Worth it?" I asked. "He’s right."
He shook his head again. "How can you say that? I mean, after everything that’s happened, after everything you’ve done, how can you say that?"
"Because it’s true, Nick. I always screw up. I have no business coming here to screw up things worse for you."
"Oh," he said sarcastically. "And you’re making them better by leaving?"
He was frustrating me too much to understand him.
"Then what?" I asked. "You’re pissed at me because I’m here. You’re pissed at me for leaving. I don’t understand."
"Good," he said. "Now you know how I feel. I don’t understand how you could come all the way out here and then just leave--."
"You yelled at me," I reminded him.
"You dumped me. Twice," he said and shook his head. "I was pissed. I was pissed because I can’t count on you. I know that at the first sign of trouble you’re off and running. I just see your smoke."
I shook my head.
"Tell me it’s not true. Just tell me. You know it is. And no matter what, here I am. Here I am watching you take off again," he sighed hard. "I really am hopeless you know?"
"Then why’d you come?" I asked.
"Why’d you come?" he retorted.
"To see you," I said ready to honest.  “I have nothing left to lose.  I came here to apologize to you, and to see if maybe you’d, ....you’d.... God, I don’t know, forgive me? Maybe give a me a chance to put away all that fear for once and stay?"
He looked stunned at first. Then he sat up and cleared his throat. "I don’t know if I can do that.  I mean, after--."
I nodded and took a step back. "I understand. I don’t blame you. I’d better go. I think they’re calling my flight."
The tears burned back in my eyes as I turned to walk away. I didn’t even want to take one last look at him because it would make me break, and I didn’t know if I could ever put myself back together after that.
"Elisa? Elisa, don’t. Don’t go."
"I have to," I said not turning and moving on toward the line that was forming at the tunnel entrance. "It’s not going to work anymore."
"Why? Why not? You mean to tell me that you came all the way out here to show me that you couldn’t stick it out? That you couldn’t even try?"
I whirled around to him and that sad, lost look on his face.
"I did try. I came out here to try. And you didn’t want to hear me. You were too pissed."
"I was too scared," he said. "Have you ever stopped to think that I get scared too? I get scared because I can’t even hold on to you. I know how I feel, I know what I want, but I don’t have a clue as to what you’re going to do. And it just freaks me out to know that I’m going to be back in some airport saying good-bye to again." He touched my shoulder and pushed back my hair. "But I’m always here. I’m always willing to try. If I wasn’t, do you think I would have shown up here?"
I blinked at him in surprise. The hard edge was gone, and it seemed to just be Nick, the same one I had always known.
"You’re scared?" I asked. "You?"
He looked down at the floor and shook his head. "Yeah me. Why is that so shocking? Why is it so hard to believe?"
"Because you’re always so sure. You were sure back in El Paso. You were sure in Baltimore."
"... excuse me?"
We both looked up to find a whole mess of people trying to get around us and on the plane.
"Excuse me," the man politely repeated, and we both stepped back.
"Sorry," Nick said.
I looked back up at him. I was physically close to him for the first time since I arrived in Tampa, and it wasn’t lost on me.
"I was sure because... because..," he hesitated. "Because I think I’m in freaking love with you, okay? I mean, that’s why I did everything that I did. I asked you to stay with me in Maryland because I thought we could have a shot at something. I thought we could try. When you ran off on me again, I was so down that I ended up at Kevin’s not having any clue where else to go. After that, I’ve just been here. And I’ve been generally pissed at everything and everyone, until today. Today when Bone took me out, got me drunk and introduced me to some girls, I had a really good time. Well, I was having a really good time, until I saw you."
"I’m sorry," I said. "I never meant to ruin your good time. I never meant to--."
"I never wanted to have a good time like that. I wanted to spend part of this break with you, remember? We were supposed to drive back from Baltimore last week."
"I wanted to stay," I said. "I went back to find you. I felt so stupid for letting you go."
"Jay told me," he said. "He finally got in touch with me here after I ditched my phone, and he told me. You went back?"
I nodded. "All I found was AJ. I realized how stupid I was. I never should have left. All you ever do is show me how much you care, and all I ever do is just leave you behind. You don’t deserve that."
He half smiled. "No, I don’t."
"I.., I just don’t know any better sometimes," I said. "I had so many doubts about coming here, but after what happened with Daniel, I just wanted to get away. I just wanted to see you and forget about that stupid guy. And I--."
"Stupid guy? What happened with Daniel?" he asked.
I let that slip. Shit.
"Nothing," I shook my head. "Forget I said that. "
"No. Why did you say that? When I was arguing with Kev at the club, he mentioned Daniel. He said something like, ‘after everything she’s been through with Daniel.’ I didn’t know what he was talking about. What happened?"
My eyes filled beyond my control, and I just wished that I didn’t have to tell him. It was one more thing that made me vulnerable, and I was so used to protecting myself, that this was death to me.
He stepped closer. "Elisa? What happened? What’d he do?  You‘re supposed to trust me. We‘re supposed to be friends first, right?"
I sucked in air and swallowed back the frog in my throat. "Nick, he just scared me. After Kevin and I talked, I realized just how many mistakes I had made. I called Daniel and broke up with him. Then he..," I began. "He, um, showed up at school and just scared me. He grabbed me, and he scared me. That’s all."
"That’s all?" he practically breathed out and took a step closer to me. "Are you sure? What else happened?"
"Kevin showed up, and pulled him off me. I don’t even know what happened or where he went. He was just gone. After that, Kevin pretty much convinced that I needed to get things straightened out. That I needed to come back to you." The tears pushed harder, and I blinked to let them finally slide down my face.
"... last call for flight 405 headed for Dallas, Texas," the voice of the airline employee a few feet away from us called.
"Shit," he said very softly. "Shit. Are you okay? I mean, are you sure he didn’t do anything else? Did he hurt you somehow?"
I shook my head. "No. Just when he had really pushed me, Kevin showed up, and it was okay. I mean, I don’t know what I would have done if he wasn’t there." I forced a smile. "I guess that explains how he got in the loop, huh?"
Nick shook his head and looked up at the ceiling. "Elisa, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry about everything that happened tonight, everything that I said."
I shook my head and used my palm to push back the tears that wouldn’t stay back. "I came here to apologize you to, Nick. I was the one who--."
He glanced behind himself for a second. "That’s your flight. What are you gonna do?"
I watched the last person hurry onto the plane and the airline employee start closing the glass door to the tunnel.
I looked up at him because more than anything I wanted him to ask me to stay. Then I realized there was something more important that he needed from me.
"I want to be here," I said. "I want to be here for you if you need me, because I need you."
A real smile finally broke through his face and he pushed back my hair for me again. "I need you all the time."
I followed his hand straight back into his chest. I wrapped my arms around his torso and closed my eyes against his warm chest.
I felt him kiss the top of my head.
"Thank you," I said. "Thank you for forgiving me, Nick. I never wanted for things to get this bad. I was just...." I stopped because he already knew my whole pathetic story and because the bubbling tears wouldn’t let me talk.
I felt him take a deep breath and hold on to me just a little bit tighter. "Can we go? Can I take you home?" he asked. "Please?"
I sucked in air and pulled away from his chest. "Yeah. Let’s go."
He held on to my face and pushed away a tear with his thumb. "We’re not going to do this anymore, okay? You didn’t come all the way over here to be upset and to cry. Right?" I saw him smile at me through my blurry vision. He pushed away a couple of stubborn tears and chuckled. "C’mon. Stop. It’s okay. We’ll be okay. We’ll fix all of this."
I nodded sniffling and took a deep breath to stop. "You have to know something."
"What?" he asked wiping away the last tear.
"I have regretted being away from you since I let you go back in El Paso. I think that’s why I did all the stupid things that I did. That’s why I just gave Daniel a chance. I just didn’t care anymore if it wasn’t you. And no matter how much I denied it, I knew I was in the wrong place. I knew it," I said feeling like I was being honest for the first time since I was honest with him. "I never should have let you go."
He smiled brightly. "I’m not going anywhere, Elisa. I’m going to be wherever you are." He pulled me closer to him again and away from the gate. "Let’s go home."
"What about Kevin?" I asked as we made our way outside.
"What about Kev?"
"You guys fought," I told him. "He hit you."
"He didn’t hit me," Nick said. "I pushed him. He just kept letting me until he got tired, then he finally pushed me back. I was so drunk I landed on a wall."
I looked up at the slightly purplish on the side of his face, above his cheekbone.
I winced. "Does it hurt?"
"No," he said. "I was too drunk when it happened, and I’m too happy now. I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t even believe that you made it all the way out here."
"Yeah, but I wouldn’t have done it without Kevin. If he hadn’t come to town, I’d still be there feeling miserable. Are you going to talk to him?"
"’Lisa, he’s pissed at me. You think he wants to hear from me right now? He’d probably rather hear from you."
We were finally at his truck.
"I heard you were driving a fancy car now," I told him.
He grinned opening the door for me. "I got a fancy car, but I still drive this. It’s just more me."
I climbed into the familiar Durango and strapped on the seat belt. He had stuff everywhere: CD’s, papers, notepads with scribbles and drawings.
"It’s a mess, huh? Sorry," he said putting on his seat belt. "I tend to get in here a drive a lot. I just throw around whatever I need. Here," he said handing me a cell phone.
"I don’t need to call anyone," I said.
"Call Kev. Go ahead. His number’s programmed in there. And believe me, I know he’s not asleep. He’s probably somewhere fuming because I acted like such an ass."
I gave him a look. "Are you sure you want me to do this? Wouldn’t you rather do it?"
He shook his head. "I need to fix things with him, but I get the feeling it’ll be easier with your help. Please?"
Like I was going to deny him anything. I found Kevin’s number programmed along with the other guys’. I let the phone dial and listened to it ring for what seemed like a long time.
"Hello?" he finally answered.
"Hey Kevin, it’s Elisa," I said glancing over at Nick who was easing his way toward the pay booth at the airport.
"Hey, how are you? Where are you? Are you going home?"
"Um, not yet. I’m with Nick. Where are you?"
It took him what seemed like a long time to answer. "I’m getting to Orlando right now. I have your stuff. You want me to take it back? Are you all right?"
Funny how he just ignored my mention of Nick.
"I’m fine," I said. "Are you okay? I know things with you guys didn’t--."
"It’s fine," he cut me off. "He’s a kid, right?"
"Well," I began not exactly sure what I should say. "Well, I think everyone was a little bit out of control. He was mad. I was upset. That put you in a bad place, and--."
"Look, I’ve done this too many times to get upset anymore," he said. "If he’s wondering if I’m mad, I’m not. But I’m also not willing to play the bad guy anymore. I did what I thought he’d do for me. Next time, I will cross my arms and do nothing."
"There won’t be a next time," I said. "Not with me."
"I’m glad to hear that," he said and I could almost hear the slight smile in his voice. "Is he pissed at me?"
"No. I don’t think so. But I got a big surprise when I got here, right?"
Nick gave me a look and shook his head.
"I know," Kevin said. "I was surprised to find him like that too. Are you sure things are okay? I have all your stuff still. I’m sorry. I figured you were going home, anyway."
"I almost did," I admitted. "But I’m glad I didn’t. Don’t worry about my stuff. It’s fine. You can--."
"He can bring it tomorrow when he comes over," Nick said loudly.
"Did you hear that?"
He chuckled. "Yeah. Why am I coming over?"
"Why’s he coming over?" I asked Nick.
"Just so he can see my face and what he did," Nick said starting into a dark highway. "He can just come visit. We can all hang out. That would be a first, right?"
"You guys need time," Kevin said. "I’ll take your stuff later."
"I think Nick’s right. We can hang out," I said. "I owe you a massive thanks."
"Me too," Nick said loudly, and I heard Kevin laugh again.
"Forget it. Tell him to forget it too," he said. "As long as you both finally get your heads on straight."
I had to smile. Having my head on straight was apparently a very difficult task.
"Here, gimmie, the phone," Nick said sticking out his hand.
"He wants to talk to you. Bye Kevin. Thank you again."
"Okay," he said. "You take care."
"Hey," Nick greeted into the cell as we hit another highway.
I tried not to listen to their conversation too much.
"... all purple and swollen, man.... Really... Really.... I’m serious. I am...," Nick laughed. "No, it’s fine.... Yeah... Yeah...," he sighed. "We’ll see.. Where’d Bone and ‘D end up?... Then all you guys come over tomorrow....No, we’ll be fine... We will... Just come by. Yeah, come by whenever. ..," Nick laughed. "Yeah me too... me too... okay... Okay... Bye." He clicked off the phone, tossed it in the back and sighed loudly.
"Guys are so funny," I said softly. "You don’t even really have to apologize, huh?"
"For what?" Nick asked. "I was drunk and stupid. He was being nosy and stupid. He was being Kevin. In the end, things are okay, right?"
I nodded. "Right."
"Except...," Nick trailed off.
"What?" I asked dreading one more problem. Girlfriend? Wife?
He finally laughed really loud. "What are you gonna do when you see AJ? He said he really let you have it. And you guys were so buddy buddy."
I shook my head. "Honey, I’m glad to be with you. I’ll deal with AJ however I can. If he hates me, then," I shrugged. "Then he hates me."
"He won’t hate you," Nick said assuredly. "He won’t."
"I’ll deal with that tomorrow. Right now, I’m just happy to be with you again."
He smiled and reached over to grab my hand.
 

It was odd to wake up in his sun-drenched bedroom. Even stranger to hear the ocean a few feet away from us and to shiver as the morning breeze flew in through the open window.
"You’re cold?" Nick mumbled pulling me closer.
"No," I lied.
"Yeah, you are." He sat up and went to shut the window. "Better?"
"Thanks," I said sitting up because I was wide awake. "You sleep okay."
He sat back down next to me and nodded. "Better than in like a year."
I laughed. "Me too. I like your shirt," I said tugging at the gray T-shirt he’d given me the night before. "You’re a Buc’s fan, huh?"
He nodded. "Me and Bri played basketball against a couple of them, and every once in a while, I get a bunch of merchandise from them. They’re cool guys."
I reached up to push his growing hair out of his eyes. No matter how much he cut it, it always seemed to growing back longer than ever.
"Hey, what’s this?" he asked hanging on to my wrist.
"Nothing," I said quickly and took it back. "It’s--."
He furrowed his brow.  "It’s that guy, huh? Oh my God, Elisa. He bruised you? He left a bruise on you?"
I crossed my arms to keep him from looking at the other wrist. "It’s nothing. It’s over. It’s the past. We agreed to that already."
"Yeah, but he bruised you. That’s more than scaring you. How much time do Kevin and me have before going back to work?" He asked looking straight at me like I knew. "Shit, we go back on Thursday. That still gives me a couple of days  to go find him."
"Nick, no. No you’re not. We’re leaving that in the past. It’s over. It’s gone."
"Oh yeah well, now that calms me down. When you go back home, I’m going to be really at peace knowing that guy’s out there."
I pushed my own messy hair out of my face and looked at him. "Nick. Nick, we don’t have a lot of time together. Let’s not waste it talking about him. Please?"
He shook his head and pulled me closer to him. "I can’t stand thinking about that. I can’t believe that guy did this to you," he said catching both my wrists this time. "Even if he was just trying to scare you, it pisses me off. If we don’t go find him, we can always send some of our security guys."
"Nick," I protested.
"What? He needs to have his ass kicked. But you’re right. I’ll deal with that later. We’ll--."
"No," I told him seriously. "You are not going to do anything. Nothing. We’re just going to let it go."
He shook his head at me. "I don’t know about that. I don’t know about that at all."
I turned around to give him the eye, but he quickly kissed me instead.
"What are we doing today? God only knows what time the guys will show up. Wanna go out on the boat?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I think I’ll get seasick."
"But you haven’t even tried," he said.
"Yeah, but I’d rather not throw up all over you, okay?"
He laughed. "Yeah, I’d rather you didn’t too. I guess we could just hang out here."
I wasn’t going to complain about that because I just liked being close to him, smelling him. It was like going back home after a long, grinding experience.
"Your house is incredible," I said looking around at it in the daylight. "I can’t believe you live here alone."
He laughed. "I have the dogs. And my brother comes to visit a lot too. It’s just a place to be when I’m not on the road."
"But it’s so beautiful," I said. "I can hear the ocean. How can you not love being here all the time?"
"I love it," he said with a shrug. "I love it like I love being comfortable, but it’s just a house. It’s not like back in Texas when we’d hang out at your place on Saturdays and watch TV. Like when you’d get home from work and we’d burn something for dinner. That was a home," he laughed. "You, me and Laura barbecuing on the off Sunday. I don’t have anything like that when I’m alone."
I watched the happy memories play on his face as he spoke.
"I miss you everyday," I said watching his beautiful face. "I’m there alone a lot now too, and it’s not like home at all. Even if Josie or Daniel was there, it wasn’t the same."
"Please don’t mention his name anymore," Nick said. "I was just getting past the anger."
"Yeah, okay, I won’t. I’m sorry. But I miss you, Nick. I missed you a lot all of last week. I didn’t even stay home for the rest of spring break. I went to see my sister in Austin and tried to forget how stupid I had been." I shook my head.
"You’re not stupid—," Nick began.
"I am. I know I am. I know you didn’t get a chance to talk to Kevin, but he could tell you. He could tell you how I was when he got there. I hadn’t eaten in like days--."
"What? Why?"
"I couldn’t," I said. "I felt stupid, miserable and lost. I felt like I had given up my last chance at happiness without even a fight."
He pulled my hand inside of his. "I...," he began tentatively. "I was so lost too. I don’t even know how I found my way to Kevin’s. Sometimes, I think my hands just know how to drive myself there. I don’t know how I finally came back here. All I did then was sit here and be miserable. I went out on my boat and sat there trying to hate you."
"Trying?"
He laughed softly. "Yeah, I tried. I wanted to hate you for going away again. But you know what? Part of me understood. Part of me knew that you were doubting everything. That you were back home thinking that you’d never do anything right in life. About how ‘that girl’ never seemed to go away."
I raised my eyes to him as many times we had talked about my insecurities.
"I’m right, huh? You were worried about ‘that’ girl? You were worried that she was back, huh?"
"Nick--,’ I tried to begin, but he cut me off.
"Elisa, you are not that girl. You are woman who made a lot of mistakes because she was young. You got caught up in people who didn’t want the best for you because you just wanted to trust someone, to love someone. You have to forgive yourself for all of that. I can’t believe you still carry that guilt around like you murdered someone." He shook his head. "You’re a much better person than that. You’re someone who deserves someone that--."
"Someone like you?" I asked. "Someone who saw past all of that. Someone who sees past the scars?"
He chuckled. "Yeah. I have really good vision. I don’t need those glasses. But you don’t get that I need someone who is here. Someone who can be here emotionally for me all the time. Someone who is strong and who trusts me and understands me. Or you know what? Just someone who loves me enough to pretend that they do all those things already."
"I get that Nick," I said. "I know you need more than I have been willing to offer."
He shook his head. "I need you. I don’t need what you can offer. I just need you. I know that now. I know that after all the stupid girls I’ve dated. No one, you hear this? No one that I have met has even been anywhere close to what you are to me. No one has ever meant half as much to me, ever. And you need to know something," he said sitting up. "I’m willing to take you. I mean like how you see yourself. When I see you, I see all the wonderful things in the world. When you see yourself, you don’t see that, and I don’t understand why. But I don’t care. I don’t care," he said. "I need what you have in you no matter what you think about it." He looked straight into my eyes and repeated those words. "I need you. I need you a lot."
"I need you a lot too," I managed to get out. "I need you everyday. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about not being here, and--."
He shook his head. "I’m not. I’m not sorry because it’s what brought you back. If this is what we had to go through then fine. You’re here. But Elisa..."
That ‘but’ made me look up. He was the one who said that nothing good ever came out of a but.
"What?" I asked.
"You have to be there. You have to be there for me, for us. I don’t care if it’s you, or if you feel like you’re not enough for me, or you’re too much, you have to have faith and be there. You have to."
I smiled and sat closer to him. "I will be there. I will be there for whatever you need, whenever you need it. Nick, I will never, ever run away again."
He leaned in to kiss me, and I closed my eyes much too happy to let him.
 

We didn’t do much to get the house ready for the guys. Nick’s house in Tampa was as impeccable as it had been in Texas. He made a quick trip to the grocery store for drinks, chips and meat because the guys were "steak guys."
I just sat there on the deck in awe of the ocean and what was happening right before my eyes. I had to blink in the bright sunlight and tell myself that it was okay. Even though I felt like I had just landed on Mars, I was in exactly the right place.
Yeah, right.
The right place with so much expensive stuff that ten years worth of my salary wouldn’t pay for one floor.
"... ready now, right?" Nick asked rushing in with the groceries. "Elisa?"
"Back here," I called to him. "I didn’t leave."
He laughed as he joined me outside. "I didn’t think so. What are you doing?" He looked out into the dark, blue ocean.
"It’s the color of your eyes," I told him.
He looked at me, and I saw him press his lips not to laugh. "What?"
"The ocean," I said. "The ocean is the color of your eyes. You match."
He touched my hair and sat on the deck floor next to me. "Hm, okay. You’re out here contemplating the ocean, huh? Have you contemplated what you’re gonna wear when the guys get here? You look really cute in my boxers, but--."
I hadn’t even realized that Kevin still had my stuff. I had used Nick’s things to shower that morning and didn’t think twice about wearing his clothes around the house.
"Nick! That’s right! What am I gonna do? The guys are--."
He was laughing and I knew he was already on to solving my dilemma.
"I threw your stuff in the wash before I left. It should be ready in a bit, and we can run to the mall if you want to get something else. You don’t have to wait for Kevin to bring your things."
He washed my clothes. I had never had a guy wash my car. This was beyond amazing.
"I’ll just wear what I brought when Kevin gets here. That’s fine. Thanks for washing my stuff."
He wrinkled his nose. "You’re welcome. It was easy. I just dumped it all in the machine, set it on super-hot and dumped the whole box of soap in."
I glared at him because he had to be joking.
"I’m kidding," he said. "Of course I know how to wash clothes. I’ve known for a long time, okay? Your clothes is fine."
"You didn’t have to do that," I said. "I didn’t know you had gotten that domestic in the last year."
"A lot of things have changed in a year. You’d be surprised," he said.
"Good or bad?"
He threw me his little grin. "Guess you’re about to find out, huh?"
I pulled him closer to me so that I could stare at him and at the ocean.
"I’m from the desert," I told him. "This place is like Mars to me."
"So I’m a Martian?"
"If you’re washing clothes you are," I laughed. "I like it already, though."
He laughed.
Brian and Howie weren’t going to Nick’s house. Apparently, Brian was under marital obligation to spend every free moment with Leighanne. Howie had already made plans. Kevin said he’d be there, but we didn’t hear from AJ.
"He so hates me," I told Nick as we sat in the kitchen drinking sodas. "He’s not coming."
"He does not hate you, Elisa. He was pissed because--."
"I know," I told him. "He was protecting you. I heard this already. I found out just how much they all really are your older brothers. Do you have any idea how luck you are?"
He nodded smiling. "Yeah, yeah I do. I am really, really lucky with them. They love me as much as I was been a pain as kid."
"So much love," I told him. "Just goes to show how special you really are."
He glanced down at his glass of soda for a second then up at me. "It’s not being special. It’s being lost and goofy all the time. They have to watch out that I don’t trip over my own messes."
I shook my head and slid off my stool. I stood right in front of him and pulled his hands into mine. "Nick, you are special, beyond belief special. People don’t get involved in each other’s lives, the way the guys have done it with you, unless they really care. They’re taking care of you so that you don’t get hurt." I had to laugh. "So that I don’t hurt you."
"Yeah," he sighed. "Big, bad you."
I yanked at his hand. "Stop joking. If it wasn’t me, it’d be someone else. And they’d be just as vigilant. You have to be someone really special to deserve all that love."
"Or someone really dim."
"Stop," I told him more seriously. "I felt the same way when Kevin came to town, remember? I was always warning you about he had come to take you back?"
"Yeah, and you two are best friends now. What is it with you and the guys?"
I shook my head because he wasn’t going to let me get it all out. "They love you, you silly kid. They love you like I love you. That’s it, that’s all. Forget the goofiness and the getting hurt. They just see what I’ve been trying to ignore all this time."
He just watched me this time. He didn’t even smile or try to joke.
"It’s your kindness. It’s how you forgive things easily, and how much you trust people. That’s what makes them see you the way they do. Why I see you the way I do," I said. "I always told myself that you hadn’t really existed."
He finally chuckled and pulled my closer. "Hm, well I do."
"Well, you do," I said and gave in to the kiss that led to many more of them.
We were pretty lost in a tangle of kisses when we heard voices.
I pulled away.
"They have keys," Nick said wiping my chin for me.
"Well, let’s go then," I said, but he didn’t let go of me. He pulled me closer and continued to kiss me just like we hadn’t heard a noise.
"... all day long! Hungry people out here!" someone yelled. It sounded like AJ.
I actually turned toward the door at mid-kiss and Nick laughed.
"Don’t worry," he said. "Jay’s gonna be fine. Are you gonna be fine?"
"Yeah, I guess."
He pulled my hand and led me out there.
"Hey," Nick greeted easily. "You guys get here okay? How was the drive down?"
"It was good," AJ said.
"Yeah, it was fine," Kevin agreed and smiled at us. "How are you guys?"
"Tired?" AJ asked raising an eyebrow.
Nick narrowed his eyes at them. "I’m not sure what you’re implying there bro, but--."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," AJ said. "Whatever you don’t know. Got any food?"
"We got lots of food. Let me have Elisa’s stuff and you can go with her to the kitchen," Nick said.
I think we both gawked at him.
"I left your bag on the truck," Kevin said. "C’mon Nick, let’s go get it."
"Sure," Nick said.
"Yeah since it’s one bag, both of you have to go, right?" I asked quietly.
He didn’t even look back at me.
And that’s how they left us alone.
I looked at AJ, and he just returned. I had already done the hardest part by apologizing to Nick. It just seemed hard with him too because he had stuck up for me in the past.
"Um," I began. "I think the chips are in the kitchen if you wanna come in."
"Yeah, okay," he said following me. Of course, there was zero expression on his face. I kept thinking he was going to give me a harder time than Nick.
"Plain or barbecue?" I asked taking the bags from the counter.
"Plain," he said and opened the refrigerator doors. "Aw, Frack got beers. Good boy. Want one?"
I shook my head. "It’s too early for me. AJ, I’m sorry."
He twisted the top off the bottle of beer while he watched me. "You’re apologizing to me? Why?"
"Because I let you down back in Baltimore too. I know you asked me just to be honest, and I was too stupid to listen."
He sipped his beer and shrugged. "You live, you learn, right?" He took the bag of plain potato chips out of my hand. "I just hope you learned a lot this time around."
I nodded. "Yeah, AJ. I did. I learned a lot, and Nick and I are dealing with what we have to do."
He pressed a small smile at me. "Good. I’m glad to hear it."
And that was all he said. I guess he was in a mood to make me work. Maybe all these guys had banded together and decided to give girls hell.
"Look, I’m just sorry," I said earnestly. "You and I had been talking a lot. I considered you my friend, but I know that Nick comes first. That’s fine. He comes first to me too. For the first time, in a long time, I’m even putting someone before myself. And I thought I would never do that again. If you’re still mad at me, if you hate me, then you’re just making things harder on yourself. I have decided what I want to do and where I want to be."
His mouth pressed into a straight line.
So I continued. "It’s just bizarre with you guys. When Kevin hates me, you like me. When you hate me, Kevin likes me. I don’t understand that much, but that’s okay because I get everything else now. You’re just being there for Nick, and that’s fine. But I’m gonna be here too, and if we can’t get along, then--."
"I don’t hate you, Elisa girl," he said. "I just want Nicky to be happy."
"So do I," I said.
He sipped his beer and looked at his feet then back up at me. "I was pissed because I trusted you. I went on a limb, and I never do that. You never asked me to do that. I did it on my own. I know what all you guys have been through. The last thing I’m gonna do is stand here and cause more friction."
I was almost smiling, but it sounded like he wasn’t finished.
"But," he said. "I still gonna tell you the same thing. Be honest. Be honest with him. If you lie, if you deny or pretend, it’ll be all wrong."
I nodded. "I know. I know."
"You hurt him again, and you’ll have to deal with Train and me."
I looked up him surprised, but he smiled. "And that won’t be pretty. Kev will sermon you to death, and I’ll torture you with my hats. I’ll smack you upside the head with each of them ten times. And I have a lot of hats."
I had to laugh.  "Thanks AJ," I said. "Thanks a lot. I like it when you’re in my corner."
"You’d like me in the corner?" he asked really loudly with a laugh. "What do you want me doing in the corner with you? Huh? Huh?"
"Stop it," I said closing up the bag of chips. "Why didn’t you bring your girlfriend? Why’d you come stag? Kevin doesn’t have a choice but to come stag."
He laughed. "I don’t have a girlfriend, Elisa. Why would have one girlfriend when I can have several? That would be foolish, huh?"
I shook my head at head at him. "Yeah play the field while you can. Your time will come. You’ll fall head over heels over someone."
"How do you know I haven’t already?" he asked taking a long sip of his beer.
I gave him a look. He was nothing but a tease. It was all he knew.
"And she broke your heart?" I asked. "She left you behind?"
His whole face changed, and he even looked at the floor. "It’s a long story. I’ll tell you one day. But yeah, she made a choice that changed everything for both of us."
I bit my lip as I watched him be serious for once. "Well, everyone finds their way to where they belong. Even if they get left behind, they’ll find it again."
"Again? Again? Or for the first time?"
"Again for the first time. I get the feeling Nick’s going to keep making things new all over again."
He sighed. "Well, he’s been holding out for the likes of you. God knows we’ve set him up and found him dates, but no one is ever right. No one can ever get him to--."
"Um, is it okay to come in, or should we duck?" Nick asked opening his kitchen door a couple of inches. "If you two are throwing pots and pans at each other, we’ll go back outside."
"We’re not throwing jack," AJ said flatly. "It’s your damn house, Nick."
"Yeah, and you’re talking to my girl. I only get a couple of days with her, you know," he said stepping inside with Kevin right behind him. "You’re already hitting the beer?"
AJ smiled. "Hair of the dog..."
Kevin shook his head and grabbed a bottle of water. "I’m hungry. Can we start cooking, or what?"
Nick smiled as he wrapped his arms around my waist. "You can start cooking whenever you want, Train. I bought food and beer but have no idea what to do with it."
"But eat it and drink it?" Kevin asked opening the refrigerator door and unloading the packages of meat. "What’d you do, Nick? Buy enough food for all the boy bands in Florida?’
They laughed at that one, and AJ shook his head.
"The way things are going, you’ll need way more meat than that," he said.
I held Nick’s hands in front of me and watched them. Like they had anything to actually worry about.
They didn’t worry about much the rest of the day. Nick got the grill going outside, and Kevin cooked steaks and burgers. AJ mostly sat around sipping beer and talking nonsense. I ended up back inside making a salad because otherwise, they would red-meat themselves to death. It was then that I was able to watch them.
Kevin was busily cooking the food while Nick sipped his second beer of the entire day and just talked. He sat on this little bench he had out on the deck and seemed to have a lot to say. I remembered how quiet he had been in the past. AJ was talking up a storm too, and they were laughing every couple of minutes. I wondered what it must have been like to be them. To have had so many years together in a business and in a friendship. I knew Kevin carried that friendship burden hard. Nick cherished it because he had let it go in the past. AJ was just easy with everything. He took everything in stride and never seemed to break into a sweat.
Everything made me sweat and worry. I was worlds away from AJ’s ease. I would also cherish my friendships, if I had any. And every burden was hard on me. Every, single one.
I sighed and tossed everything into a large wooden bowl as Kevin dropped some steak which ended up going to Nick’s little dog who scarffed it up happily.
Things were going to be different this time. I was going to be different this time. I had already promised myself that.