That weekend was gone in a flash of talks, dinners and moments we spent finding our way around each other.  We had both changed a lot in a year, but I think it was mostly true for him.  He was older, stronger, with a clearer sense of direction.
Sunday night we were back at the airport with him shuffling through a stack instructions for a cell phone and a beeper, a bunch of phone numbers and his touring schedule.
I frowned at him. “Do I really need all that?”
“What? You don’t want the Backstreet girlfriend prize package?  It’s worth thousands of dollars and 500 minutes free long distance with  your favorite Backstreet Boy.”
I had to laugh.
“We can straighten all of this out on the plane,” he said and glanced at his watch.  “Kev’s not here yet?”
I shook my head and looked around.  “No. Is he always late?”
“Always.”
Our plan was for the three of us to fly back to El Paso.  Nick and Kevin would pick up Kevin’s truck and drive back to Orlando just in time to catch the tour bus Wednesday night.  Nick and I would keep in touch as much as we could until I was able to catch up with him in Austin in late May.  After that, he’d go back home with me for Laura’s wedding, but then the summer was wide open.
Nick was fumbling with the cell phone when we heard a ring.
“It’s working,” he smiled and clicked it on. “Hello?”
Of course he got no answer because the one that was ringing was in his bag.
I gave him a smile and pulled it out for him. “Need this?”
“Oh yeah,” he chuckled. “Thanks.  Hello?.... Hey! .... Where are you?.... In about ten.... Yeah... Yeah.... But why?... What’s wrong, Kev?... No tell me, what’s wrong?...” He sighed really hard and grabbed my hand. “Yeah... Yeah... No, it’s okay, I’ll do it... I will... I’ll be fine... Seriously, I will be fine.... You just call me... Yeah, I’ll tell her... Bye.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked as soon as he clicked off the phone.
“Kev.  He’s not gonna come out with us. I’m gonna go ahead and pick up the truck for him. He’s putting the keys in the mail today to over-night them to your place.”
“Why isn’t he coming?”
He shook his head. “Kris twisted her ankle at one of the last shows.  She thought it was better, but it’s all swollen today, and she’s going home. Kev’s driving back to Orlando right now.”
“Well, at least he gets to see her,” I said.  “That’s good, right?”
He nodded.  “Yeah, it’s good.  I mean, he hadn’t expected to see her until she got to visit us on our tour, now they can hang out until Wednesday.  But if I know, Kristin, she won’t be too happy about having to sit out her tour.  She has to be going all the time. That girl’s more hyper than me.”
I laughed. “Really?  That must be tough to accomplish.”
He pushed me slightly so that I was squashed into the vinyl seat.  “Stop teasing me,” he said. “I’m not hyper. I’m not!”
He sent me fast into a laughing fit.
“Oh,” he stopped suddenly and threw his arm around me.  “Kev said to tell you he was sorry.  Actually, I’m the one who’s sorry.”
“Why? Because you won’t have anyone to drive back with?”
He shook his head. “I was hoping that ol’ Train and me could go take care of some unfinished business over there.  He pretty much wanted to and --.”
“Nick, don’t start,” I warned knowing he was talking about Daniel.
“Well, I’m not making any promises, Elisa.  I’m serious.  This guy better not come anywhere near us.  And if he does when I’m gone, you’d better grab one of these gadgets and call me.”
The “gadgets” were littering his lap.  All I  could do was shake my head.
“I have never had a cell phone, Nick. I’ve never needed one and--.”
“And you do now,” he said. “It’s got everything you could need. You don’t have it set on ringer when you’re at school if you don’t want to. But otherwise, it’s the fastest way we can reach each other. This is my schedule. Don’t lose it because I might, and then I’ll have to ask you for it.” He smiled. “Just keep the cell handy.  My number is programmed in there, so you can reach me whenever. Seriously, Elisa. Whenever.  Even if I’m on stage and there’s an emergency, you can reach me by the end of the show. Okay?  All right?”
I nodded.  “Yeah. Okay. All right.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “You’re going to dump all this crap when you get home, aren’t you?”
I shook my head and leaned into his shoulder. “Nope. If I did, how could I ever find you?  These gadgets are gonna keep me in  touch with my Martian.”
He laughed and started making these odd beeping noises.
“Nick,” I laughed.  “Quit it before they make you go through the metal detector again!”
“Beep! Beep... beep!” he started again, so I just moved to the empty seat next to me.  He was too weird for words sometimes.   “Beep!”
I shook my head, and they started calling for our flight back home.
 

Being at home meant a whole different atmosphere. One that I was more comfortable in, less inhibited and more likely to get caught up in him.  Kevin leaving us alone for the night somehow pushed us physically closer together than we had been in Tampa.  And there were times that I didn’t want to stop kissing, much less touching him.
“Wanna wait?” he asked early Monday morning when I should have been in the shower, and he should have been resting for the drive to Orlando that night.
I had to pull my lips away from his mouth and untangle my body from his.
“No,” I said honestly.  “You’re leaving tonight, and I won’t see you again until May.”
“Yeah, but,” he started and took a deep breath.  “But I don’t want you to have second thoughts, regrets or anything like that. If you’re not ready then...,” he stopped and just kissed me instead.  “Let’s just wait.”
I closed my eyes. “Wait for what?”
“To see what happens,” he said and reached over to turn on the lamp.  “Let’s just wait.  We’ve never done this before. We’ve only just been here. Not me gone and you here.  I don’t want to leave here tonight and have you doubting what we’ve decided to do--.”
“I don’t have doubts,” I said glancing at the clock. It was already six.
“Well, you might later,” he said.  “I don’t want anything to ruin the fact that we are right here, right now. Okay?”
I still couldn’t believe he was true.  He was the real thing.
“Yeah, okay. What are you gonna do today?” I asked starting off the bed. “I have to get to work.”
“Sleep,” he said hugging the pillow. “I have a long drive tonight and tomorrow.      I’ll be here.  Waiting for you.”
I shook my head.  “Honey, you’d better not wait in this bed or I’ll come home and change your mind about waiting.”
He laughed and glanced up.  The light hit those too blue eyes, I almost decided to change his mind right then.
“I’d better go,” I said. “Sleep a lot, and I’ll bring dinner.”
“Call me. Test the cell, okay?”
“Okay,” I bent down to kiss his one last time.  “Bye.”
“Bye.”
 

I don’t remember  much of that school day. I know I was there physically. Mentally, is a whole other lost cause.
I don’t really think anyone could blame me, and if they did, I wouldn’t care.  I was finding my way back to the only real happiness I had ever known, and no one way was anything going to put a damper on my high spirits.
That afternoon, I rushed out of school without a second thought, grabbed some takeout from a good Chinese place and raced home.
“Hey!” he greeted at the door when I got off the car.
“Hey. How are you? Did you sleep?”
He nodded.  “That’s all I did, girl. I’m starved. You got food?”
“Yes, I got food. But I’d like a kiss or something, you know? I mean, I just worked all day long, and the least that I deserve is--.”
He pushed up against the wall and dunked me into a long, wet, crazy kiss.  Then he kissed me again, and then again.
“Want me to slobber you some more?” he asked letting me come up for air.
“Please?” I asked and puckered up at him.
He gave me a little peck on the lips and pulled the large bag of food out of my hands.  “I missed you today. I already got used to seeing you all day, everyday. I don’t know what I’m going to do while I’m gone.”
I sighed and followed him inside. I had been thinking the same thing as I drove home from the restaurant.
“I know. What am I supposed to do when you’re not here?”
“You’re supposed to call me,” he said.  “You’re supposed to pick up that expensive cell phone and call me. You didn’t even try it today, did you?”
Of course I hadn’t. I had completely forgotten that I owned the little gadget.
“Um, it was stuck at the bottom of my purse, and I couldn’t find it,” was my lame excuse. “I was going to call you but--.”
“But what?” he laughed. “Don’t tell me. You forgot?”
I nodded, and he shook his head at me.
“I had a lot of paperwork to catch up on after being gone so long,” I said, and it was the truth. “The kids were worried that I wasn’t going to come back.”
He was taking the containers of food out of the bag and setting them on the dinner table.
“Did you tell them that you almost didn’t? That next year you’ll be teaching in Tampa?” he asked popping open the hot and sour soup.  He made a face. “What’s this?”
“Nick, you have to try new food,” I said. “You can’t just--.”
He leaned down, kissed me quickly and put down the container. “Don’t start. Don’t start acting like Kevin on me telling me what to do.  And I’m not eating that.”
Of course he wasn’t, so I pushed it toward my side of the table. “Did you call him already? Tell him we got here okay?”
“Yeah,” he said. “He actually called my cell. Unlike some people, he knows what cell phones are for, Elisa.”
I shook my head and went to the kitchen to wash my hands and grab some forks and spoons.
“... teaching in Tampa, right?” he was saying when I got back to the dining room.
“I didn’t hear you. What’d you say?”
“I said, that you know I’m serious about you teaching in Tampa, right?”
Really, I hadn’t given his comment another thought, and I refused to give it any now.
“I’m pretty happy where I am,” I said sitting down at the table.  “Why?”
He sat down next to me and gave me the sad puppy dog look.  “Because I live in Tampa. Why do you want to live here, when I live there?”
I grabbed the soup he quickly refused and reopened the still-steaming container. “Honey, let’s not talk about any of that right now. Right now, I have to get it through my head that you’re taking off tonight, and that I won’t see you for months.”
“But if you moved to Tampa--.”
“If I moved to Tampa, it would still be the same thing. You’d still be on tour, and you wouldn’t be there.  Let’s just eat and have some peace, Nick. I don’t want to talk about moving or about you not being here. That’s hard enough already.”
He looked down at the table for a second then nodded. “Yeah okay.  That’s fine.”
“Good,” I said and grabbed my spoon to eat.
“But you know I’ll convince you.  You know I will,” he said as he inspected his plate.  “Geez, I’m gonna have to stop at McDonalds.”
“Nick, that’s chicken and vegetables,” I told him.  “It’s good, just try it.”
He smiled in spite of himself. “You sound like a teacher.”
“I am a teacher.”
He giggled.  “You’re frowning at me.”
“I am not.” He was just trying to make me laugh.
“You were,” he said. “You did like this.” And he seriously tried to frown but ended up laughing in spite of himself.
I laughed. He was so easy. And it had been so long since I just laughed and felt happy around someone, anyone.
He choked down his dinner, and we sat on the couch together for a long time.  He planned to drive to Kentucky over the next two days and get Kevin. He’d spend some time with him, and then they’d drive out to Florida and be back on the tour bus for another night’s drive.  At least, he’d be used to traveling at night and sleeping during the day.
“I spent all day here remembering stuff,” he said as the clock approached ten. That was his departure time.
“What stuff?”
“All the stuff,” he said, and I heard the smile in his voice.  “I remember when I first woke up on this couch wondering where the hell I was.  I was thinking I had finally been kidnapped by some crazy fan like that guy in Misery. Did you ever see that movie?”
“Nope,” I said. “I read the book.”
“We should watch the movie then,” he said. “AJ and me watched it once and got really freaked because it seemed so real.  People do get that crazy sometimes.”
I squeezed his hand in mine. “Don’t tell me stories about crazy people right now. I’m trying not to think about all the stuff you’re gonna be exposed to when you’re on the road. Drunk drivers.  Crazed fans. Horny fans.”
He laughed really hard at that and sat up. “Hey. Hey, that’s not something you have to worry about, okay?”
“Okay,” I said.
“No. No wait. Look at me. Seriously,” he said and waited until I did look at him. “I will not be unfaithful to you. Not once.  Besides, we don’t pick up fans. We just don’t. It’s too dangerous for them and for us.  But if you and me are going to do this, Elisa, we’re going to do this right.  And I’m not going to screw it up over a one-night stand.”
I nodded and pulled my gaze away from his luminous eyes. “I was teasing you.”
“Better be,” he said softly. “I’d hate for you start having doubts. I don’t have doubts.”
“I don’t have doubts. I was serious about the drunk drivers and the crazy fans, but I don’t have doubts about you.  I know you could be with any other girl in the whole world, and you’ve decided to be with me.  That’s not lost on me, Nick. I trust your judgment. The fact that you think that we can make it.”
“And we can,” he said seriously. “I know we can. And don’t think that I’m not going to be worried about you being here alone. It was one thing when Laura was with you, but now you’re all alone.  And if that guy--.”
“Daniel will not do anything,” I said. “I know him. He’s a coward, and Kevin already scared him. Please don’t go back to that.”
He sighed and kissed the side of my head.  “I haven’t stopped going back to that. I wasn’t just wanting you to move to Tampa so you’d be closer to me. I wanted you to be farther away from him.”
I held on to his middle and sighed. “So we’re both worried, Nick. I’m worried about how exposed you are, and--.”
“And I’m worried about how exposed you are,” he said.  “That’s why you need to use the cell phone. Understand? Keep me sane, Elisa. Please.”
“I will keep you sane, honey.  You just keep yourself safe.”
He chuckled. “We have plenty of security for that. And when the security fails, I have Kevin. He still takes care of me.”
“Aren’t you a lucky boy?”
“Yeah,” he giggled. “I am.  But not because of him, because of you.  You are back in my life, and that’s the one thing I’ve been wanting to happen since I left this place. “ He sighed. “It’s been so long.”
I didn’t say anything because it seemed like an eternity of misery to me.
We sat in silence holding each other until I saw the clock on the VCR turn to 10:00.
And even then, we were both still.
“’Lisa, it’s time,” he said softly at 10:07.
“I know,” I said pulling myself off of him.  “I’m going to miss you.”
He leaned forward and kissed me.  I closed my eyes and gave myself away to his entire mouth hoping somehow, he’d never stop though I knew he had to.  His hand were quickly around my waist, and mine had easily found their way around his broad shoulders and into his hair.
He pulled me closer and closer to him until I was sitting in his lap kissing his mouth like I was eating desert without a spoon.
I made myself stop and sank into his arms instead and hid my face in his neck.  He held me tightly then let go with a sigh.
“I’d better go, or I never will.”
I climbed off him and pulled his hand up with me.
“Here, let’s check your phone,” he said taking it from the table where I dumped it when I walked in.  He turned it on, pulled his out from his bag and dialed.
A soft ringing filled the air.
“It works,” he said. “Answer it.”
I smiled at him and took my little, gray phone of his hand. “Hello?”
“Hi, it’s me,” he said smiling at me. “I have to go now.”
“Okay,” I said. “Be careful and drive safe. Remember to call me when you get there.”
“Okay,” he said and grabbed his bag. “Can I have another kiss before I go?”
“Okay,” I said.  “Can I talk to you while you drive over there?”
“Okay,” he said. “But what if I don’t let you sleep all night?  I‘m gonna drive until I‘m tired in the morning.”
“I don’t care if I don‘t sleep.”
He smiled at me and kissed me. It was funny to feel his mouth on mine and hear the noises in my ear.
“Bye sweetie,” I said when we hugged one last time at the door.
He smiled and climbed into his truck with his phone at his ear the whole time. “Okay. I’m like driving all night today, but I’m gonna stop at McDonalds right now. It‘s true that Chinese food makes you want to eat again right away.”
I laughed and watch the lights come on while he started the old truck.  Then engine made a funny noise then seemed to purr.
Nick laughed.
“Are you sure you’re gonna make it in that thing?” I asked.  I squinted and saw him strap on his seat belt.
“Yeah. Kevin bets his life on it. That’s why he’s never gotten rid of it.  It’ll be fine.  I’d better go.”
I sighed and waved at him one last time. “Bye. I’ll miss you.”
“Bye. I love you,” his voice said clearly into my ear.
“I love you too,” I said. “You’d better go before I change my mind and don’t let you go anywhere.”
“Okay. Well, close the door and lock it, and then I’ll drive away.”
“Nick, I want to watch you drive away.”
“Elisa. I want to make sure that door is locked when I drive away, okay? Lock the door.”
I eyed him from the porch, so he rolled down the window and stuck his head out of the truck.
“Lock the door,” he yelled at me.  “I’m serious.”
I tried not to laugh too hard. “Okay honey. Bye.”
“Bye!” he called, and I closed the door on him.
And he drove away.
We stayed on the phone for the first few hours, and I kept him company.  He kept telling me to go to bed, but I was actually worried about him being on the road by himself all night like that.
Cell phones were handy things, and that night, I even figured out they had call waiting.
“Hang on. I got a call,” he said around two that morning.
“Okay,” I said stifling a yawn.
We had been talking about the silliest things. He had been telling me about how him and AJ had spent last Thanksgiving together.  Apparently, he didn’t remember much of it, but he said it was fun.
And I knew that part of him needed that sort of thing. He was barely past twenty-one and had never done the regular, normal guy thing. He had worked since he was kid. When he wasn’t working, he had been involved with me.  Him sowing some wild oats with AJ seemed relatively harmless.
When he came back on the line he was laughing.
“What?” I asked.
“That was Kev,” he laughed some more.  “He’s flying to Austin in the morning to drive back with me. He felt bad about leaving me alone to drive the truck.”
“I’m glad,” I said.  “I don’t like you driving alone either.”
“Why?” he asked that playful tone in his voice. “Think I’ll pick up a hitchhiker? Wait. Hang on. I see a guy with a blood-covered t-shirt, holding an ax and trying to thumb a ride. Should I stop?”
I avoided even letting that thought through my brain. “Nick,” I protested.  “You’d better stop playing.”
He laughed. “I’m almost there, just a few hours more. Why don’t you get some sleep? I know you’ll have to be up in like four hours, and you need to rest.”
“Nick, are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” he said. “I slept all day, and I am not sleepy.  I’ll call you in the morning. Or you call me on your way to work or something.”
“What if you’re asleep?”
He laughed. “Then I’ll be happy to wake up and get the phone.  Bye ‘Lisa.”
“Bye Nick.”
He actually hung up this time.
I didn’t bother moving from the couch and fell right to sleep.
 

Nick was funny.
He and Kevin called me on their drive from Austin to Kentucky and talked senselessly about everything in the world.  They were something else together.
It didn’t surprise me that their relationship had developed the way it had. Nick was the kind of person who would take back anyone who hurt him. But his age made me wonder how much longer he was going to be able to keep that up.
“Look under your book,” Nick was saying.
“Why?”
“Just look,” he said.
I picked up my novel from my nightstand to find a scrap of paper with small drawing of some flowers.  At the bottom it read:  Love, Nick.
I laughed. “Thank you. That’s sweet.”
“You’re welcome,” he said, and I could hear his grin.
“What’d you do, Frack?” I heard Kevin ask.
“Nothing. Shut up and mind the road,” Nick said.
“I’ll mind you, boy.”
I shook my head and looked at the delicately drawn daisies.
“I left more,” he said. “You’re going to have to find them.”
“Nick, you were leaving little papers around my house?  You were supposed to be sleeping,” I scolded while he laughed.
“I did sleep,” he said. “But I thought you might not miss me as much this way. This way, when you found the one under the toilet, you’d laugh and think about me.”
“You put one under the toilet?”
“Um-huh,” he said.  “But that’s the only one I’m going to tell you about.”
“Toilet?” I heard Kevin repeat.
I had to laugh. “Yeah, I’ll start looking today. You guys okay? Did you eat?”
“Yeah. We ate. I won the coin toss, and we got burgers.” He chuckled. “Kevin wanted some Thai food or something yucky.”
“It’s not yucky. You haven’t even tried it,” Kevin said.
“And I’m gonna keep it that way, okay? Watch the road.”
“He’d better keep his eyes on the road,” I told him. “What time do you guys get to Lexington?”
He sighed. “God only knows. He’s taking me through the back roads, so we can see the sights.  Hopefully, the bus won’t leave us.”
“The bus won’t leave us,” Kevin said. “Elisa, tell him to stop being such a baby.”
“I like you being a baby,” I said.
Nick laughed. “She likes me being a baby.”
“Ugh, tell her she spends too much time with kids already.”
I laughed at that and sighed. “I have a lot of work today, honey. I’d better go. Call me when you get there.”
“Sure,” he said. “I will. But we’re fine. Are you okay?”
I shook my head. “Nope. I miss you.”
“I miss you too. Already.”
I fingered the flowers in my little paper while he sighed.
“It’ll be May before you know it,” he said.
“I hope so.”
“It will. Get your work done. Eat some dinner. And call me to tell me good night,” he said. “Okay?”
“Yeah, okay. Bye Nicky. Say bye to Kevin and tell him to drive safe.”
“I will.  Bye.”
Day one. I told myself. Day one and it already hurt.
 

Day one melted into day two, three, four, week two, week three and it was finally a month.  A month after spring break, we had a four-day Easter break.  I spent most of that on the phone with Nick while he tried to convince me to go visit him on tour. But Laura’s wedding was getting closer, and I had a lot of stuff to do with her.
He was somewhere in the Midwest, and I had found twelve little scraps of papers with flowers drawn on them. He said there were a “bunch” more, but he    wouldn’t tell me how many.
“Ms. Vazquez, can I talk to you?”
I already had my bag in my hand when Mr. Conrad, the school principal, stepped into my classroom the next day.
Shit.
“Sure,” I said and smiled.
He gave me a pathetic look though, and that worried me. I would have been more at ease if  he looked angry.  I wondered if I had been that out of it, if he could really tell something was going on with me.  That I was that caught up in Nick.
“Well, it’s about one of your students,” he said and sighed. “One of your kids was in a serious car accident over the break.”
“What?” My mind was already racing through my kids’ names while I tried to pinpoint who had been absent.  Of course I had no clue. Of course, I was off just thinking about myself.
He looked down at the shiny floor and nodded. “Yeah. They were coming back from a trip to Dallas, and a drunk driver ran them off the road..”
“What?  But who? Are they okay? Is the family--?”
He shook his head and gave me a sad look.  “It’s David‘s family, and it‘s pretty serious.  Mom‘s the worst off, and David and Dad have both just been upgraded to serious but stable.”
I felt myself actually recover my breath.  “But... but... What did they...? Is his mom gonna...?”
He shrugged.  “It’s come and go right now. His mom was thrown out of the vehicle even though she was wearing a seat belt.   The driver was on the wrong side of the road, and the dad plowed into a stalled semi truck on the side of the road to avoid the hit.”
I swallowed hard.  Little David. He was a crazy, intense, smart talkative kid who always seemed to smile.
“I’m on my way to the hospital now, if you want to come,” he said.  “I just thought the rest of the family should know we’re with them.”
I nodded without giving it a thought. “Yeah.  I’ll follow you over there.”
“Okay. I’m just going to lock up my office, and I’ll meet you in the parking lot.”
I nodded and swallowed hard. Facing David’s family was not going to be easy.
He pressed a smile at me. “This is part of the job, Elisa. Sometimes, kids have really bad situations that become part of our lives. Be careful letting it affect you.   Come talk to me if things get too bad for you. Remember that my door’s always open.”
I nodded again and again. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. Thanks for that.”
He patted my arm and made his way back out the door without saying another word.
And I sat there letting it wash over me.  My kids had always been what got me through everything. I let them fill that void in my life left by Nick. They were like a happy security blanket that I got to hold for six hours a day.  And I was very much conscious of how much I put into their lives, but I was never prepared for that.
 

“What’s wrong?” Nick asked on the phone late that night.
I usually called him every afternoon on my way home from school, but I had even forgotten to turn on the phone as I drove to the hospital.  And on the way home, my head swam with a million thoughts of David unconscious in a hospital bed for God only knew how much longer.  And when he did wake up, it might be to a totally different world.
“Nothing,” I said.
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not. Don’t accuse me of stuff.”
He sighed and lowered his voice. “Listen, I know something‘s going on.  We promised not to worry each other, so tell me.  What’s going on? What’s wrong? I know your tone of voice already.  Something happen?”
And I knew he had inherited or contracted that tendency to worry from Kevin, so I had to tell him.
“One of my kids was in a bad car accident over the break,”  I said.  “A drunk ran them off the road, and his mother is in critical condition.  His dad‘s doing just a little bit better.”
“What?”
And that was everyone’s reaction. No one could really believe and eight-year old could be handed a raw deal like that.
“David‘s in the hospital, and his mom almost died on the side of the road. His dad‘s in critical condition too, and no one even knows if he‘ll make it,” I said.
“Oh ‘Lisa, I’m sorry. Is he...? I mean, is he...?”
“Gonna die?” I finished for him.  “I don‘t know, honey, but it doesn‘t look good.”
He took a second to speak again. “I’m sorry. I know that those kids are a very big deal to you, and this must be very hard.”
My eyes filled for the first time that day, and I swallowed the lump in my throat. “He’s a good kid, Nick. Some crazy, stupid drunk just ran them off the road like they didn’t even matter.”
He sighed. “I know. I know it’s senseless, and I’m sorry.  I wish there was something I could do. I wish I could be there with you right now.”
So did I, but I wasn’t about to say anything.
“I just wish you weren’t on that damn bus every night,” I muttered. “See how quickly things happen? See how easily life changed for that whole family?”
“Yeah, I know, but that’s not gonna happen to us.”
“And how do you know that?” I said actually feeling my heart thud.  Since that afternoon, all I could think about was Nick on that dark road.  What was to stop some stupid drunk from changing his whole life as well?
“I don’t know that,” he said softly.  “But I have to have faith that it won’t.  Listen, don’t start freaking out and worrying about me because of what happened to him. We are going to be fine.  One more month of this, and we’ll be Austin.  I’ll be able to see you.”
I nodded though I was on the phone.  Before David’s accident, seeing Nick was all I really wanted. Now, I wasn’t sure even that would made me feel better.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. I’m fine.  I guess I just feel scared now. Scared for him. Scared for you. Just scared, Nick.”
He sighed.  “I don’t want you to be scared for me. I’m fine. Everything is fine.  I’m fine.  If you start worrying, you’ll just make me feel bad for making you worry.”
I closed my eyes just as the first tears squeezed through.  “Yeah, I’m sorry,” I said and cleared my throat. “I don’t want you to worry. I’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.”
“Can’t Laura come stay with you?  It‘s not a good idea for you to be alone right now.”
“I haven’t told her anything about David. She’s busy enough with the wedding.  I don’t want to worry her with my crap. Besides, I’m fine. It’s his family that can’t sleep. His uncles and aunts haven’t left the hospital since it happened. I just came home after spending a few minutes with them. I’m fine.”
“Did you eat?”
“Yes,” I lied. “Did you?”
“I always eat,” he said. “Bri got us some burgers because the other guys went out.”
“You didn’t?”
“No. Why would I go out?  I just wanted to talk to you, especially after you didn’t call me this afternoon.   And the funny part is that I made myself not worry. I figured you were just busy, or that you had a meeting,” he half laughed. “The one time I don’t worry is when something is wrong.”
“I’m fine,” I said again.  “Really. And listen, if you want to go out with the guys, that’s fine. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you going out for a couple of beers. Don’t feel like you have come check in with me every night. I trust you.”
“”Lisa!” he protested. “Why would I want to go out with them when I can talk to you? I used to go out with them all the time. When we weren’t traveling at night, we were always at some club, or at some party. But that never got my anything but drunk. I don’t like doing stupid stuff like that. All I’d ever do when I did that was...,” he trailed off then he half laughed. “Never mind.”
“What?” I leaned back on my pillow and looked at the twentieth picture I found that morning in my shoe box. “What’d you do when you got drunk?”
“I would babble on and on about you,” he said with a smile in his voice. “I don’t remember any of it, but AJ and Howie always told me. Once I was drunk, I was always talking about you. Then one time...,” he laughed again.  “Then once I did it with Kevin, and I actually started bawling. I don’t know if it was because it was him, but I just had this meltdown, and he had to bring me home.  He still doesn’t let me live it down.”
I smiled in spite of myself because I had done my share of crying for him. I didn’t even have to get drunk to do it either.
“How is Kevin?” I asked.
“He’s fine.  He went out with the guys.”
“He did?”
“Yeah,” he said. “Kev does that all the time. Kris doesn’t mind either.  So he just goes and partys.”
That was odd. I always figured Kevin was back at the hotel on the phone all night just like Nick and Brian.
“It’s nothing,” Nick said protectively. “There’s nothing wrong with having a couple of beers with the guys. You said so yourself.”
“Yeah, I did,” I admitted. “But honey, we’re not married, and that makes everything different.”
“Well, it does, but Kev’s the same guy. And he’s happy with Kris, so nothing will happen.”
“Does she know he goes out?”
He took a long time to answer. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Sure,” I said knowing his lying cues, taking time to answer was definitely one of them.  “I hope he’s just careful.”
“It’s fine, Elisa. Nothing’s gonna happen, and Kev’s not gonna mess around on his wife just because he’s out at a club,” he said assuredly.    “Trust me.”
“I trust you, Nick.  And I trust him too. It’s the girls I worry about,” I said. “But Kevin’s an adult, and he knows what he’s doing.”
“Definitely,” Nick said and yawned.
It was nearly three in the morning, and this is how just about how it always was. We talked well into the night, and then I had to face the day a few hours later.
“I’d better go. It’s late.”
“And you need to rest,” he said. “Me too.”
“Okay well, be careful when you travel tomorrow.”
“We’ll be fine,” he said then laughed. “I think they’re back. I can hear laughing in the hallway.”
I heard it too. It was that loud or he had opened the door.
“I’d better go,” he said.  “I’ll call you in the morning, so don’t forget to turn your phone on.”
“Okay. Are they okay?”
He laughed again. “AJ just crashed on my bed. But I think so. They’re fine.  I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay. I love you,” I told him.
“I love you too. And Elisa?”
“What?”
“Stop worrying,” he said. “It’s gonna be fine.”
 
 

His words didn’t make it so. The next four weeks dragged with me missing him sorely, Laura rushing me through wedding plans things with David getting slightly better.
“Are you going to see that kid everyday after school?” Laura asked while we went to one of her fittings.
“Yeah,” I said glancing around the fancy room full of mirrors.
“And he’s getting better?”
I nodded. “He’ll be released in about to two weeks. His dad’s actually going home pretty soon. And his mom seems to be getting better.”
“Is she gonna walk?”
I shrugged. “God only knows.”
The place was full of bridal magazines, and up until then, I had avoided even looking through any of them. I had always hated weddings, and Laura knew it. But she was my sister, and there was nothing I could do to get out of this one.
“How are things with Blondie?”
“Good,” I smiled. “He sounds really good.   I’ll finally get to go see him after this week. I just have to get through the last day of school until I can’t wait.”
“Yeah, I bet.  Are you going to finish out the tour with him?”
I fingered the lace samples on the wall. “Yeah. It’s just Austin, Dallas, San Antonio and a couple of dates in Florida, then we come home for the wedding.”
My sister gave me a funny look.
“What? You’re ready, right? Did you need anything from me?” I asked trying to read her. “My dress fits me.  I have my shoes, your gift, and we’ve already had the family and the friends shower.  Did I forget something?”
She gave me a tiny smile. “Um, no just my bachelorette party.”
I had to laugh. “Yeah. There’ll be time for that. Don’t even worry. Want Kevin to strip for you? He’s a married guy, but I remember how you two hit it off and--.”
“Your gown is ready,” the little old lady called bringing it out to us.  “If you’ve gained or lost weight, there is still time to fix it, okay? But not anymore after that.”
The dress was beautiful: long, shimmering fabric but an easy, simple design.  Laura was deep in a girly shriek when my phone rang.
“Oh my God, Ellie! Look at it! It’s beautiful. It’s prefect!”
“Um-huh. Yeah,” I said as I dug through my purse for the tiny phone.  “Hello?”
“Hey! Hey Elisa girl. What are you doing?”
I stopped feeling pretty unsure of who was calling.  “Nick?”
“Nopes.”
Only Laura, Nick and the principal had my phone number, so I had no idea who it could be.
“Hello?” the raspy male voice called.
“Um, hello? Who is this?”
“It’s me!” he said like I should know him.
I wasn’t one to play phone games. “Me who? Listen, you’d better tell me, or I’m going to hang up.”
“Aw, c’mon! It’s better if you guess.”
I gave him another second.
“C’mon guess.”
“No, I’m gonna hang up,” I began.  “So--.”
“No. No, no, no. Wait. If you want to know who this is, why don’t you open the door?”
“What door? Listen, just get off my phone already.”
Laura stopped gushing over her dress and looked at me worriedly.
“Geez. You are really zero fun. I can’t even believe that you won’t open the door to reveal your surprise, Elisa girl.”
Elisa girl?
Only one person called me that. I ran straight to the door practically knocking over some other poor girl there to look at dresses.  I yanked open the door of the tiny bridal boutique to find him.  To find Nick standing before me with a huge smile on his face.
“Oh my God, what are you doing here?”
He blinked up at the ribbons and mannequins wearing the fancy, white gowns.
“Um, the question is, what are you doing here?” he asked with a tiny smirk on his face.  “Are you proposing to me?”
I laughed really hard for what seemed like the first time in a very long time.  He pulled me up into his arms and gave me the best hug in the entire world. The only one that I ever truly needed.
“No. I am not proposing to you. I am just here with my sister,” I said when he finally put me down.  “What are you--?”
“Excuse me,” someone said loudly. Apparently, she was trying to get around us and into the shop.
“Sorry,” Nick told her and finally made his way inside.  “I came to see you. We start the Texas dates tomorrow, so Bone and me took a plane down here to visit.  Aren’t you happy to see us?”
I squeezed his hand in mine. “I am more than happy to see you.  Are you crazy? And you brought AJ with you? Where he is?”
He looked curiously toward the door.  “He was right behind--.”
“... have to be really sure if you’re gonna tie the knot,” he walked in telling some girl.  “I mean, weddings are forever.”
She gave him a tired smile. “The wedding is not forever. The marriage is.  Excuse me.”
He gave me and Nick a shrug then a smile. “Hi Elisa. I guess we don’t have to worry about you talking to strangers on the phone.”
“Hey AJ,” I greeted giving him a hug.  “How are you?  And what are you doing here?  Are you two crazy?”
“Frack’s crazy. I’m just along for the ride to get off the bus for a bit. We’re flying to Dallas tomorrow morning, right?”
Nick nodded. “Yeah. We’re meeting the guys at the hotel.” He smiled brightly at me.  “I just couldn’t wait anymore to see you.”
I leaned into him and hung on hard.  He had just made my whole life better.
AJ was looking around like he had just found the fourth dimension.  “Wow. Check this out. It’s ball and chain heaven.”
He got a dirty look from one of the customers.
“Sorry,” he said and smiled at us. “But it is.”
“My sister’s getting married,” I explained. “How’d you know I’d be here?”
“Well,” Nick smiled. “I remember you telling me what you’d be doing.  So when we didn’t find you at home, I just figured it out.  Is Laura all ready for the big date?”
“Yeah,” I said and started pulling him further inside. “She’s trying on her dress. She probably thinks I forgot all about her.”
She was just stepping out of the dressing room when we got there. The effortless, shimmering dress fitted her perfectly.
“Wow!” Nick called out to her. “Look at that loud-mouthed girl.  She cleans up good.”
She pulled her gaze away from the mirror and flashed him a smile.  “Wow! Look at the drunken pop star we found passing out in a gay bar.”
AJ cackled hard, and Nick’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Shhhhh!” he told her.  “Or I’ll take back my compliment.”
Laura pushed her hair off her shoulders and eyed him. “That was a compliment, Nicky?”
He returned her look and added his best, brightest, no contest smile.
“Oh no! It’s the attack of the pearly whites,” she grinned and stepped away from the mirrors to us. “How are you?”
He hugged her careful of her dress.  “I’m good. I’m back, so I’m really good.” He let go and studied her with another smile. “You look great, Laura. Congratulations.”
“Thank you, Nick.  It’s nice to see you.”
“Damn!” AJ hissed. “You mean you do have a sister? And she’s getting married? I thought we were friends, Elisa girl.”
I had to laugh as I pulled him closer to us. “This is AJ.  AJ, this is Laura.  Yeah, she’s getting married and leaving me behind.”
Laura shook his hand and gave me a sympathetic look. “I don’t think you’ll miss me too much. You’re in good company.”
Nick slipped his arm around me.  “The big date’s in two weeks, huh?”
She nodded. “And I know you’ll be here, right? You can bring TJ too.”
Nick and I started laughing.
“AJ!” AJ protested.  “Smarty dress.”
The little old lady was waving Laura down to get her attention and make the last few alterations on the dress.
“She hasn’t changed,” Nick said.  “Your crazy sister.”
“Let’s wait outside,” I told them knowing just how much guys hated that type of thing.  AJ grabbed one of the magazines.
“I swear I saw her at Howie’s club,” he said pointing at the cover model. “I remember this chick.”
Nick pulled my hand as we headed to the dark, gray Explorer they rented.
“You came without security?” I asked.
“Yeah. I’ve never had a problem here,” he said looking around.  “Why? Are there three thousand screaming girls behind me?”
“No,” I said. “There had better not be.”
He smiled and bent down to kiss my cheek. “You know what the funny thing is?”
“What?”
“If you met any of the fans, you’d probably like them. You’d probably be out there talking up a storm to them because all they really are is girls, just girls.”
I smiled and leaned back against the truck.  “You’re probably right.”
AJ was still leafing through the bridal magazine and watching women find their way into the store.
“I’m gonna stand out here and protest marriage,” he said in a determined tone of voice.  “Look at all these beautiful women just throwing it all away to be with one guy. One.  One guy who is not me.”
Nick laughed.
“What’s wrong with marriage, AJ? Why are you protesting?” I asked as Nick hopped up on the hood of the truck then pulled me up as well.
“Well, it’s a sham,” he said with a shrug. “Why would anyone willingly give away their independence, their free will and their sanity.”
Nick grinned and leaned back on his palms. “AJ’s strange philosophies.”
“AJ, love’s not a sham. You don’t give up all those things when you fall in love,” I said. “I can’t believe you’d say that.”
“He’s just been burned,” Nick said softly.
“I have not,” AJ protested and let the magazine fall to the ground. “I’m just wiser.”
“I thought I was wiser too,” I said.  “I thought I was very smart by being alone and not needing anyone.  It was easier to push everyone away than to get hurt.  All that got me was lonely.” I shrugged.
AJ looked up at us then pushed up his shades. “And what? Baby Bozo here changed all that for you?  He completed you?”
I laughed as Nick sat forward, slipped his arms around my waist and leaned his chin into my shoulder.
“Um, yes and no.  Nick was just the guy willing to stick around long enough for me to decide. I was the one who realized I didn’t just want to be alone. I didn’t want my whole life to pass me by while I just protected myself.  I was just lucky he waited.”
Nick kissed my cheek again, and AJ shook his head.
“You should write greeting cards or mushy love soap operas or something,” he said.  “Love is a pretty lie.”
“Shut up, Bone,” Nick said.
“Sorry buddy, but it is.  You guys are happy, and maybe it’s because you both believe the lie. I just hope it stays that way forever.”
I stared at him as he seemed really detached, and I guess I couldn’t blame him. It really wasn’t like I hadn’t been there before.
“Hey,” Laura greeted finally coming out. “So, what are we doing with you boys today?”
“Well,” AJ began. “You can lather me up, scrub me down and--.”
“Bone,” Nick scolded. “She’s getting married. Leave her alone.”
Laura grinned at AJ. “How’s dinner sound for you?”
“Dinner sounds spectacular if I’m eating it off your bare stomach and...,” he was saying as Laura just started laughing and led him toward her car.
“He just heard his ex is going out with someone else,” Nick said as he slid off the truck and helped me down.  “I think it hit him pretty hard because he was always hoping to get back with her.”
“How long has it been?”
“Like six months. I really wanted to come here on my own, but I didn’t want to leave him behind. He’s pretty bummed just going out drinking alone because Howie won’t baby-sit him.”
“He doesn’t?”
Nick shook his head. “And ‘D has a point, you know? He says he doesn’t like watching Jay self-destruct. He doesn’t do it a lot, but he gets pretty bad when he’s lonely. I just brought him with me so he wouldn’t be tempted to go out alone.”
“You’re a good friend,” I told him.
“Um, hang on. What’s that I hear?” he asked pulling me closer to him.
“What?”
“It’s silence,” he said. “We’re alone.”
I had to laugh as he ducked into my face and we kissed.  Those last couple of months suddenly seemed like a couple of days as I found my way around his incredible mouth.
“I missed you,” he said between kisses. “Even if I talked to you everyday, I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” I said. “A lot more than I thought I would.  I’ve been counting the hours till Austin.  We‘re like at thirty-six.”
He laughed, and I sank back into his mouth not wanting to waste any time talking to him just then. We had done enough talking on the phone.
“Hey!”
There was honk, and I knew Laura had brought the car around.  AJ was practically hanging out if it with a sneer.
“I’m hungry!” he yelled.
Laura honked again.
I detached myself and smiled at Nick.  “I’m glad you brought him. We should all go dancing.”
“I was hoping you’d say that,” he said.
Laura picked some new, fancy restaurant downtown, and she and AJ talked the whole time while we ate.
 

Though it was a school night, we ended up at the OP. It was just me with the both of them since Laura wasn’t willing to risk getting in trouble with Paul.  AJ was quick to drag us to the bar and start passing out drinks.
“I have to work,” I told him when he pushed shot glass over to me.
“So do we,” he said. “Tomorrow morning, we get on a plane, get to Dallas, rehearse, do interviews and get ready for the show Saturday night. And face the eyebrows,” he said raising his eyebrows at me dramatically.
“Kevin?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Nick said inspecting the shot glass. “He gave us a hard time about doing this. He said we needed to do the tour just like everyone else.”
“Like it’s the same for everyone,” AJ spat. “He has his wife with him.”
“And Bri too,” Nick said. “Howie’s happy being on his own, so we’re just left on our own.   And we just decided to come. I don’t see the big deal.”
“Everything’s a big deal to him,” AJ said. “Always has been, always will be. You can have this one shot with us, Elisa girl. It’s early. You can dance it off with Nicky here in a bit.”
Nick nodded. “Yeah. We’ll be good after this, I promise.  Please?”
Like I could ever tell him no.
“That a girl,” AJ said when I started pulling the limes toward me.  “What are drinking to?”
“How’s us?” Nick asked.
AJ frowned. “All of us?”
“All of us,” Nick said placing an arm around him and around me.  “All of us having just a good time.  Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Here’s to you guys. You amazing guys.”
“Aw thanks,” AJ gushed.
“And you amazing girl,” Nick smiled.
We danced and kissed. Kissed and dance, but I noticed that Nick always had an eye on AJ.
“You’re worried about him?” I asked watching him hit up on a really tall, beautiful girl who was actually laughing.
Nick smiled and looked at the floor for a second. “I’m returning the favor, I guess. Not too long ago, that was me.  I was drinking too much, picking up girls, and just being lonely.”
“What girls?” I asked grabbing on to his waist.  “You mean there were girls?”
He laughed into my ear. “Yeah, some. But somehow, AJ always dragged me home. He never left me alone in any of those places or with any of those girls. He was saving me for you,” he said with a laugh.
“AJ loves me,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said. “He does. But I just feel like I owe him--.”
“It’s okay,” I said letting go of him and just holding his hand. “Believe it or not, I’m glad you’re being a good friend to him.  It says a whole lot about you, Nick.  More than you know.”
He smiled at me.  “But my main reason for coming was seeing you. You know that, right?”
“Of course.  I was actually hoping you’d changed your mind about something and that’s why you’d come here in such a hurry.”
He wrinkled his nose. “Changed my mind about what?”
I looked up at home and wondered how he really didn’t get it. It was so hard to keep my hands off of him, and to want him closer than we had been in more than a year.
“You know about what,” I said smiling at him.
“No. What?”
“Nick, you know what?”
He shook his head. “Uh-uh. What?”
“I know you know. You have to know. C’mon. You know.”
“I don’t know,” he said.  “What could I change my mind about?”
I looked around the mostly packed club. Though it was Thursday night, they had a really good crowd going.
“Um well, you know... waiting,” I said.
“Waiting?” he looked up at the flashing lights. “Waiting? Waiting for what?”
“Nick!” I pushed him thinking he was just kidding.
“What? C’mon, tell me. What are we waiting for? We’re not drinking anymore, so we’re not waiting for drinks.  None of the other guys are coming, so we’re not waiting for them. So, um... what are we--.”
I grabbed his face and kissed him harder and more passionately than I had in a long time.
“Oh!” he smiled when I let him go. “Oh! We’re waiting to kiss? We don’t have to wait to kiss. You should have told me!” He grabbed me and pushed me against the wall and planted slobbery kisses all over me.
“Nick!” I pushed him while he laughed.  “Never mind.”
“I’m kidding,” he said pulling me back to himself. “I’m kidding.  I know what you’re talking about. You don’t want to wait anymore?”
I looked up at him. He smiled and pushed a strand of hair out of my face.
Right then, I really didn’t.
“Well...,” I began.
“Let’s just wait,” he said. “We actually have a show in Houston coming up, and it’s just a short trip from South Padre. We can fly there, and then meet the guys in Orlando which will be nearly the end of the tour.  Why don’t we can... well..., talk about it then?”
We had first slept together in South Padre. I couldn’t believe he remembered that.
“Unless you want to take me right now,” he said leaning up against the wall.  “I have no strength.”
I shook my head at him again. “South Padre’s good. It’ll give us a few days together before that. I can see how that makes sense.”
He raised a weak wrist at me.  “Are you sure? You don’t want me now?”
I moved away from him and looked around for AJ.  He was dancing up a storm with the tall girl and seemed to be having a really good time.
A group of guys passed right by Nick and smiled at him.  “Um, hi,” I heard him say.  He pulled himself off the wall and hurried back to me.  “Yeah. Leave me back there.”
I kissed his cheek.  “I’m sorry, honey. I’m just keeping an eye on AJ.”
“Oh,” he said slipping his arms around my waist and leaning his head on me. “He’s doing good.”
“Yeah.”
And he did pretty good the rest of the night. We didn’t drag him out of there until almost four in the morning.
“Oops, it’s late,“ Nick said with a smile when we got to the truck.
“Yeah, it’s late. Give me the keys. I’m driving,“ I told him.
“I can drive,“ he started in his whiney voice.
“Yeah, but I’m gonna, so hand them over.“
“You heard the lady,“ AJ said.
They weren’t soused, but I didn’t trust either of them after the shots, the beers and the fact that they were both probably very tired.
“Fine,“ Nick said putting they keys in my hand.  “Here.  You just want to drive the truck because you have that dinky car.“
“Don’t call my car dinky,“ I said feeling protective of my Mustang.  “It’s not--.“
“Shotgun!“ AJ yelled as we got to the truck.
“Wha--?“
“I called shotgun, Nicky boy. Deal with it.“
I laughed as Nick whined and complained the rest of the way to the truck then conked out as soon as he hit the backseat.
“He’s tired,“ AJ said turning the radio down.
“You must be too.“
“Naw,“ he shook his head. “I could actually keep going. If I were living back home I would still be going.  You ever go to all-hours places?“
“I used to,“ I said.  “But not in awhile.“
“Well, we should,“ he said looking into the night. “We should in Dallas or something. Maybe Howie and Kev and Kristin will go too.  That should be fun.“
I nodded and stole a glance at him.   He seemed different from the AJ I had gotten to know.  All the bravado, the loud-mouth, the attitude were there. But there was something else there that I couldn’t really place.
“Are you serious about love being a lie?“ I asked as we hit the freeway.
He shrugged slightly.  “Yeah. Sorta.“
“But why?  I mean, you don’t have to tell me, but--.”
“Nicky told you,” he said.  “I got burned. Plain and simple.”
“She break your heart?”
“My heart, my wallet, my pride and I still...,” he stopped. “It was just bad.”
“I’m sorry.  But you know those are the ones we learn the most from.”
“Aw, Elisa girl, I don’t want to hear that what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger. I already got the ‘Life will Go On’ speech from Kev, from my mom, Brian and Howie.  I think I just want to sit here and be angry.”
I fell quiet then understanding what he meant, and I didn’t blame him. I hated when everyone else thought they knew how to live my life.
“You know, Nick was the only one who didn’t tell me what to do,” AJ said thoughtfully. “He’s the only one who just...,” he shrugged. “Listened.”
“He’s good with that,” I said. “But because you guys have shown him that. I mean, we really get to be who we are from the people around us.”
He nodded. “True.   And you’ve taught him a lot too.”
“And he’s taught me more,” I said.  “AJ, I was were you are right now.  But I was even worse because I had convinced myself that love was a lie.  I truly, honestly believed it, lived it and just did not give any single guy a chance.  And when I did, it was always half-heartedly.  Always just so that I wouldn’t be alone.  I was the one living the lie because I don’t really want to be alone.  I never did.  Do you have any idea how lucky I am that Nick has even bothered to come back to me so many times?  Any other guy would have closed himself up like you are right now and moved on to someone else.”
“Girl, he loves you,” he said.
“I know.  And that’s scarier than being alone.  If I’m alone I just live for myself with no real chance for a heartbreak.  But when I let him in, I open myself up to all those things I’ve spent my whole life running from.  But you know what? It’s worth it. He’s worth it. Hell AJ, I’m worth it.  I don’t want to live my whole life in a shell.  Especially not when somebody as wonderful as Nick around. I mean, I’d have to be crazy.”
“And you’re not crazy, right?”
I smiled. “Right.  But you didn’t want any advice. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he said. “I get what you’re saying.”
“And I get what you’re saying. We all need downtime after a bad experience, so take your time. Whatever that girl didn’t see in you, someone better will.”
AJ chuckled.  “Yeah well, that’s all I can hope for right.”
I nodded. “Right.”
The music filled the space between us, and I couldn’t think of anything else to say. Though he was the one I thought I knew better, I still felt funny dishing out advice.
“I was kidding, you know?”
“About what?” I asked.
“About it being a lie. Love’s not a lie,” he said. “Just now, I feel like the crap under some construction worker’s shoe. I see you and Nicky here trying to stick it out through the distances.  And Kev and Kristin trying hard to keep what they have, that I know it has to be real.  People would not put so much work into a lie.  So I know it’s not a lie. I just have to wait my turn.”
I nodded. “Yeah, and it’ll come, AJ.  I didn’t think it would ever come for me, but here we are, right?”
He chuckled again. “Right.  You think you’re ready for the roller coaster you’re gonna get on when you join us on tour?”
I was getting off the freeway, so it gave me time to think.  “I guess so,” I said.  “Last time, I was scared as hell because I was so full of doubts.”
“And you’re sure now? You’re sure this is what you want?”
I nodded. “I’m sure.”
“Good answer,” he said and sat back.  “We’ll have blast, just watch.  It’s only a couple of dates, but we always make traveling fun. And things get even crazier in the last few towns.” He smiled. “You’ll see.”
 

And there was a lot to see from the moment I stepped off the plane in Austin.  Nick sent his security guard to pick me up.
The huge, wide-smile guy had a bunch of flowers in his hand. I remembered him from the hotel in Baltimore.
“These are from him,” he said with grin. “Don’t think I’m moving in on you, okay?”
“Thank you,” I told him.  “And I know this must have been your idea, right?”
He laughed. “Well.., it’s part of my job to give the kid advice.”
“Well, thank you,” I said again. “Are they working?”
“Right now interviews and fan conference. Then you’re meeting them for lunch at one.  I think you and Nick might actually get some downtime before he has to get to the venue.  You might,” he repeated.
“It’s okay,” I said “I’ve prepared myself for how hectic this is going to be.”
“Have you really?” he asked.  “We’ll just see.”
The hotel was swamped with fans.
“So it begins,” Mike said. “It’s better if you ignore them for now if they talk to you. They know who I am, so they’ll figure you’re with them. You could spend all day out there explaining yourself to them if you did, and I don’t think Nick’s mentioned anything about you guys publicly.”
I bit my lip as he took the truck around the entrance where the crowd of girls could see us.
“Let me off first, and we’ll walk fast,” he said. “Okay?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
He started off the truck, and I heard his easy laugh as the girls called out to him. There was a small barricade being guarded by some hotel security, so it’s not like they could get close to us if they tried.
“... working at rehearsals,“  he was saying when he opened my door.  “You ready?”
I nodded and took his hand.
Immediately, the shouts began.
“Hey!”
“Hey!”
“Who are you?”
“She has flowers!”
“I’ll come back for your stuff, just get inside,” Mike said was we hurried through the automatic doors. “They aren’t allowed in here unless they’re guests, but sometimes a few sneak past security.  I’ll help you check in and get you everything  you need.”
“Everything I need?”
He nodded. “Password, schedule, security phone numbers, secondary passwords and introduce you around. It’s better if you know someone in case there’s trouble.”
I held on to his big arm and looked at him. “Trouble?”
He sighed. “You never know, Elisa.   I mean, in the past things have gotten ugly for Leigh and Bri, so we’re always careful.  Girlfriends have gotten hit by flying soda cans, and verbally attacked by over-excited fans. Usually, the girls just want to be nice and say hi. Sometimes, they say mean things. Every once in a while, they can be real nut cases. But those are few in far between.”
The memory of Brian’s dogs being kidnapped came back to me.  As well, as the guys’ bus being surrounded by a throng in Rio.
“Really few and far between,” he said. “Really.”
“Yeah okay.”
And he walked me to the front desk and had me register as Nick’s guest.  He took me up to “their” floor and introduced me to the few people he could find around. Most of the dancers and musicians were out at the mall or getting lunch before having to go to the venue.
“Don’t stress,” he said finally walking me to the door. “There’s only a couple of dates left, and I’m sure everything’ll be fine.  Wanna go in?  Nick left me a card for you.”
I nodded. “Sure.”
“He should be here before one, and you guys will have a couple of hours until he has to be at the Erwin Center. He’ll be in touch with me for that, though.  Any questions? Need or want anything?”
I shook my head.  “No. No thanks.”
He slipped the key into the lock, and I watched the little light turn green.
“Welcome to the zoo,” he chuckled. “I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
I pushed open  the door to the fancy suite to find gym clothes thrown all over the floor. Typical Nick.   I picked up a few and made my way around the rest.
An expansive view of the city appeared before me as I opened the heavy curtain. I’d been to Austin countless of times.  My sister moved there not long after getting married, but this time, it looked way more different than I could ever remember.
 

“It’s you!” Nick greeted with a yell as he raced toward the sofa.
I had been staring at the mindless television for almost two hours, and it was way past two.
I braced myself for his landing which was surprisingly soft.
“Hi,” he said and kissed me.
“Hi,” I said between kisses.
“Sorry, I’m late,” he said settling in next to me. “We ended up doing this unplanned interview thing.  How was your trip?”
I shrugged. “It was good.  You guys all set for tonight?”
“Yeah, pretty much.  Kev’s all up in arms because some of the sound equipment is getting old. I mean, we can’t get a whole new console over night, so we just have to live with it. Everything’s a big deal to him.” He shrugged. “Oh well.”
I nodded and took a good look at him.  He looked extremely happy, and I don’t think it was just me.  Touring seemed to agree with him much more than I thought it did.  His skin was healthy and rosy, and he actually looked rested.
I leaned in and kissed his nose. “You look good.”
He chuckled and threw his arm around me.  “Thanks. I hear a lot of stuff about how I look.  It never means anything to me unless you say it.”
I sat up. “Really?”
“Yeah,” he shrugged and actually looked like he was blushing.
“That’s odd,” I said.
“Why‘s it odd?”
“Honey, you‘re gorgeous. For God‘s sake, you‘ve probably always been.  I‘m sure you‘re used to it.”
He laughed. “’Lisa, you never get used to hearing stuff like that. No one does.”
“Well, you should be because you are.”
“It doesn‘t matter. It doesn‘t matter to me anymore than it does to you.”
I eyed him. “It’s part of who you are, Nick. I could look like this or suddenly lose and eye and still be teacher. Granted that if you did, you’d still be you, but...,” I trailed off not exactly sure how to put into words what I was thinking.
“I know it’s important for what I’m doing. But I don’t care. I don’t care whether I have one, two or three eyes.  I just--.”
I pushed his short, spiky bangs all the way off his face.  “You are just beautiful, Nick. Inside and out.  And you can modest, but it won’t change what you look like. Or you can be humble, and it won’t change who you are.  That’s all that matters, honey.  Inside, is the man that I really love.  And he has one, two, or three eyes. I don’t care as long as those eyes are seeing what I see.”
He blinked at me.  “What do you see?”
“Well, that we‘re together, and that’s all that matters.  That we have the whole summer of ahead of us, and I want to enjoy every, last second because I‘m with you.  Finally, after all that time, all that grief, all that stress, I get to be with you. There is nothing else I want.”
He smiled slightly and kissed me.  He pushed my hair off my shoulder and kissed me again, then again.
Then he stopped.  “You know, just when I get used to you being so protective of yourself, you get vulnerable on me, and it freaks me out.  All day long, all I wanted to do was see you so I could tell you how much you mean to me.  How much you being here makes me happier than I’ve been since the last time you were in my life. But I told myself not to. I told myself that I’d just be pressuring you, and that you’d start to doubt. But--.”
“But I don’t doubt anymore,” I said stopping him. “I couldn’t doubt and be here.”
He smiled. “I know. And that’s just even scarier because not long ago, I told myself it was never going to be true. That I was never going to have what I most really wanted. I was never going to have you.”
“Nick, I’m here,” I said into his eyes and smiled. “I’m here, and you can have me.  Not just that way either,” I said when he gave me a sly smile. “I didn‘t mean just sex.”
“But you did mean sex?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I definitely did.”
He laughed. “Really? Now? What about--?”
“We can forget about South Padre. I keep pushing you, but you keep ignoring me, and I’m tired of waiting,” I told him.  “I’ve waited long enough already.”
He looked around the room then back at me. “We’re gonna have to be quiet. The guys are around, and they’re already teasing me as it is.” He blushed again. “It’s hard to keep stuff from them.”
“I can be quiet,” I said as he pulled me closer to him.
We were way lost in kisses and touches when he stopped and took his hand off the first button on my blouse.
“What?”
“Hang on,” he said and climbed over the couch.  He pressed an ear to the door that led to the other room, and then he locked it.
“Okay,” he smiled. “I’m all set.”
 

“Hey,” I heard a voice call behind me as I wandered through the enormous Erwin center.  I had left Nick behind with AJ because they were going to talk to some guy from a radio station who had some contest winners with him.
“Hey Kevin. How are you?”
“I’m good. Definitely ready for all of this to wind down,” he said pulling me into a hug. “How are you?”
“I’m doing good too.  Are you tired?”
“Tired?  I’m almost always tired. Right now, I just really need a break.  I guess this tour’s been longer than I imagined.”
I nodded. “How’s Kris? Is she here?”
He shook his head. “Naw. She has some commercial work in LA, so she’s there.” He shrugged.  “How are things going with Nicky? You guys okay?  The fans catch up with you yet?”
“Um, not yet.  I saw some when I got to the hotel, but they don’t really know who I am, do they?”
“Nick’s not mentioning you.  He said he was gonna talk to you about it first. You guys haven’t decided if you want to be public yet?”
My skin flashed hot for a second when I thought about what we were doing instead of talking earlier that day.  “Um, no.  We haven’t had a chance.”
“It’s better to be honest,” Kevin said.  “I think when we all came clean with our relationships, it just made us more real to our fans.   They were very cool about just letting us be ourselves. Well, for the most part they were.  There are always exceptions. But you guys should be okay.”
I nodded and looked around at the long tunnels and noisy rooms.
“This place is still odd for you, huh?” he asked following my gaze. “For me too. I’ve never really gotten used to living like this.” He shrugged.  “I thought my life would be a lot different.”
“Really? Different how?”
“I don’t know. I would have gotten married three years ago. I’d already have a couple of kids.  I’d be a coach, a teacher or some youth counselor.  Even after we started the group, I didn’t think it would last forever.”  He caught himself and laughed. “Not that forever’s already here and gone, right?”
I nodded. “Right. Are you doing okay?”  I don’t know what prompted me to ask that question.  It might have been something in his eyes, or tone of voice. I’m not really sure.
He pressed a smile. “I’m fine. I tell you, I’m just tired. I’m freaked over the sound console giving out on us. Bone’s still freaking about life without Victoria.  Frack and him barely made it back on time yesterday morning, and all that stuff stresses me out.  Do I look stressed?”
“A little,” I admitted.  “It’s gonna be over before you know it.”
He nodded. “Yeah. Listen, why don’t we get back to--.”
“Hey Kevin,” a heavy-set guy greeted with a smile.
“Hey man. How’re you?” Kevin gave him one of those manly half hugs.  “Haven’t seen you since last time we came through here.  What‘s it been two years since you met up with us in Florida?”
“Yeah! Remember? I got to take those contest winners to your final show?  We went out afterward and got plastered?” the guy laughed. “Remember how Nick hurled all the way back to the hotel?”
Kevin didn’t laugh he just nodded and gave me a somewhat nervous glance.  “Um, yeah. That was a long time ago.”
“Yeah, it’s not like we’ll be doing it again, huh? I mean, with you being married and all. I can’t believe you finally went and did it.  Think Nick and the other guys would be up to it?” the guy asked. I finally noticed he was wearing a black polo shirt with a local radio station’s logo and call letters.
Kevin shook his head. “I doubt it.  Nick’s--.”
“Hey,” the guy said like it just dawned on him. “You’ll be here for two days, right? Why don’t we have party at my place? You can bring your wife. This is your wife, right?” he asked shining a smile at me that I didn’t buy for a second.
“No,” Kevin said. “This is Nick’s friend, Elisa. Elisa, this is Jake Jergens.”
“Jerky Jake Jergens in the morning,” he said in his DJ voice. “It’s nice to meet you.  So you and Nick--?”
“Are friends,” Kevin said with authority.
“We’re friends. It’s nice to meet you,” I said.
“Thanks,” he said checked me out while Kevin cleared his throat loudly.  “Listen, why don’t you--?”
“We have to get back,” Kevin told him guiding me in front of himself. “It was nice seeing you again, Jake.  Take care.”
“Um, sure. But think about that party thing okay. It was nice meeting you,” he called to me.
I barely got a half-nod out to him when Kevin pulled me down the hallway and back to the dressing room.
“He really is a jerk.  It‘s not even an act,” Kevin muttered.  “We did go out with him last tour, and I think he made it a point to get Nick that drunk.  Don’t think it was something we did. Of course, he blabbed everything all over the radio station as soon as he got back to Austin.  I’m not sure how many people believed his drivel.  He’s just a jerk. Stay away from him.”
I nodded. “Kevin, if you haven’t noticed, I usually stay away from everyone.”
He chuckled. “Good tactic.”
“Hey!”
We entered their main room with the pool table, huge spread and loud music.
“Hey Nick,” I greeted making my way back to him.
“Where were you?” he asked with a small pout. “I came back here, and you were--.”
“Looking around until I bumped into Kevin.”
“Yeah, and we bumped into Jerky Jake Jergens,” Kevin informed him.
“Ugh, that guy? He’s here?”
“He’s here, Frack. I thought we banned him from backstage,” Kevin said.  “Just stay away from him.”
“Did he see you?” Nick asked pulling me so I could sit on his lap.
“Yeah. I met him.” I shrugged.  “Kevin told him we were friends.”
Nick nodded and looked up at Kevin.
“You guys gotta choose what it’s gonna be,” Kev said. “Private or public. And you’d better do it soon because you know how spying eyes see everything.  If you want to keep things somewhat in your control, it’s better if you decide soon.  People like Jake out there are a dime a dozen.”
“Yeah Kev,” Nick said resting his chin on my shoulder.  “We’re gonna decide.  Right?”
I nodded. “Right.”
Kevin gave us one long look. “I’m gonna hit the bathroom, then we have to do the check.  Make sure Jay gets out there.”
“Right away,” Nick smiled and kissed  my cheek.
“Seriously Nick,” Kevin said as he made his way out. “I saw Brian and Howie, and you two are the ones that are always late.”
“We’ll be there,” Nick said assuredly and waited for Kevin to finally be out of earshot.  “Mr. Stress. Everything stresses him. If we’re a couple of minutes late, nothing’s gonna happen.”
I shifted to face him. “Is he okay? He seems a bit more wound up than I’m used to seeing him.”
Nick shrugged. “He seems fine to me.  Why? Did he say something?”
“No. He just seemed different.”
“He’s just stressed, I tell you. He knows we get crazier when the tour winds down, so he’s waiting for AJ and me to do something stupid, especially now.  Jay gets crazy when he’s single, but I’m sure everything’s gonna be fine. Right?”
I nodded. “Right.”
“Okay. Stay back here tonight just to be safe. That guy will harass you with questions if you let him, so don’t.”
“Did he really get you drunk?”
Nick nodded. “I did a pretty good job of it all by myself, but he did open his big mouth about everything afterward.  Kev was pissed because the people we party with aren’t usually like that. This guy really is a jerk.”
I just nodded.  “You know he’s right, though. We do have to decide if we’re going to be private or public.”
“Well, what do you want?” he asked. “It’s really up to you. I’m already used to the attention. You’re the one who is going to have to deal with something new.”
I bit my lip and thought about the small crowd outside the hotel. I really, truly hated having to explain myself to anyone.  And Nick already knew that.
“Listen,” he said. “Why don’t you do the tour and see how you like it?  If you’re okay with everything you see, we can consider being public.  Right now, we can just keep it to ourselves. How’s that?”
“That’s good,” I said.  “You’re a smart guy.”
“I am,” he said. “What? Are you surprised?”
I laughed and decided not to answer the question.
“You’d better get moving,” I told him pulling myself off him. “Don’t stress Kevin out anymore than he already is.”
“Um, hang on, wait,” he said holding on to my arm. “Are you doing okay?”
“Yeah Nick, I’m fine.”
He peeled his big blue eyes at me.  “Okay.  So, we’re okay. Everything’s okay?”
“We’re fine,” I said. “Why are you asking me?”
“I’m making sure,” he said.  “I want this to be good for you.  AJ and me are already planning tonight.  There‘s this club he wants to go to, and it sounds pretty good.”
I gave him a look. “Really? I was kind of planning tonight myself.”
Nick grinned and lifted an eyebrow.  “Um, for reals? Maybe we should let AJ--.”
“No. I’m kidding, honey. Let’s do something with him. I know he needs it.  We have plenty of time ahead of us.”
“Yeah, but we can--.”
I laughed and hugged his middle. “We can wait.  I’d rather make sure AJ’s okay.”
He kissed me one more time. “Okay. I’m gonna go find him.  Stay here.”
I nodded taking a seat on the couch. “I’m here.”
 
 

We actually stayed in that night because AJ ended up on the phone with his mom, but we did go out after the second show.
“Where are you guys going?” Kevin asked when Nick, AJ and I had finally made it down to the hotel lobby.
“To a club,” AJ informed him. “You don‘t wanna come, right?”
He frowned.  “You’re going out? We’re traveling tomorrow.“
“But just to Dallas it’s a couple of hours drive if that,” Nick said. “We’ll be back in plenty of time to get on the bus, Kev, if that’s what’s worrying you.”
“No that‘s not what‘s worrying me,” he said shaking his head. “I’m... I’m actually considering going with you guys.  Are you leaving just now?”
“Yeah.”
“Um-huh.”
“We’ll wait for you,” I told him.
“Really?” Kevin asked heading for the elevator.  “I’ll be right down.  Hang on.”
“He’ll be right down in two hours,” AJ spat.
“Why are we being that nice to him?” Nick asked taking a seat on the squashy couch.  “He’s gonna make us come home early.”
AJ landed next to him. They looked like disappointed kids.
“Guys, come on,” I told them.  “I bet everything’s going to be fine. He’s gonna--.”
“He’s gonna be a party pooper,” Nick said. “He always is.”
I sighed and sat down between them. “Well, we can’t ditch him now.”
AJ threw Nick a grin. “Naw, but we ought to ditch you with him. You are the one being nice to him.”
Nick laughed, so I gave him a shove.
“We wouldn’t do that, Elisa girl,” AJ said.  “But things are gonna be different with him around. Just watch.”
I don’t think they expected for things to be as different as they were.
AJ was quick to find someone to dance with and disappeared on us just after we got there. I think Nick and I were pretty used to that.
“You guys gonna go dance?“ Kevin asked watching AJ bounce on the crowded dance floor.
“Um, probably,“ Nick told him. “You’re gonna be okay here on your own? Or you want us to stay?“
“Yes, Nick. I need you to stay with me while I have a drink,“ he said sarcastically then eyed the crowd.  “Go dance.  I’m fine.“
I actually laughed because Kevin fussed over everyone, and he just hated anyone paying extra attention to him.
Nick didn’t seem to take him so lightly.
“Yeah, well okay,” he said pulling me along. “See you later.”
“Laters.”
“Who the hell pissed on him?” Nick muttered as we made our way through the crowd.  “He’s so full of shit that--.”
“Forget him, Nick. He’s just being Kevin.”
“Yeah,” he said with a sigh. “He is. And look, there’s AJ being AJ.”
He and the girl were grinding their hips practically into each other while she gazed into his sunglasses.
Once again, all I could really do was laugh.  “Your friends are nutty.”
“Well yeah, but it sucks that we have to be here, you know? Here, we finally get to be together, and we’re out at a stupid club. This is not how I imagined my time with you would be.”
“It’s okay, honey,” I said.  “The guys are just--.”
“I know.  I know.  And they’ve done this with me so many times, that I wouldn’t do anything else but be here for them.” He sighed hard and returned to that whiney voice. “But I wanted to spend time with you.  It’s not fair. Kev and Bone could have done this fine without us.”
It was always typical of the youngest in a family or group to expect things in life to be fair. I knew very well that life was everything but that.  I guess, just then, I didn’t want to burst his bubble.
“Honey, let’s just dance.  I mean, we’re here, and there’s no point in making things worse.”
He looked over my shoulder at the crowded dance floor.  “Yeah, okay. Let’s dance.”
We dance for what seemed a really long time.  And I  think for that time, he was finally able to get AJ and Kevin off his mind and just dance with me. For all the energy he put out on stage, he was having a blast shaking it to the loud music and dancing around me like there was no tomorrow.
But our thirst caught up with us within a couple of hours, and we tried to avoid the bar where he had left Kevin. Nick disappeared to the bathroom while I ordered some water.
“Hey!” Kevin greeted with a big smile.
A really big smile.
He was plastered.
“Hey Kevin. Are you okay?” I asked as the bartender put the glasses of water in front of me.
“You guys are having water?  Have a real drink,” Kevin told me.
“No. We said we wouldn’t drink tonight,” I told him.
“Aw, c’mon. One, stupid little drink isn’t going to kill you guys.  We should have brought Howie. ‘D’ll drink with me,” Kevin said and shook his head.  “You guys suck.”
Nick came through the crowd and looked just as surprised to see Kevin in that condition.
“Hey, there you are, Nicky.  Here’s to my little Frack,” he said and held up his shot.  “Boy, you sure have grown up.”
Nick smiled and pulled the shot glass out of his hand. “Yeah, Kev. Thanks. But I think you might have had enough.”
“No, no,” Kevin said grabbing it back.  “Really. Let me drink this one to you. You put up with all my shit, all my bitching, moaning and complaining, and that’s more than can be said for most people.”
“Kev that’s not--,” Nick tried to begin.
Slurp.
The shot was gone down Kevin’s throat, and Nick shook his head at me.
“Kevin, maybe you should slow down,” I began. “It’s still early, and if you’re drinking that fast, you’re gonna get sick.”
“You think?” Kevin asked. “Really? You know what shocks me?”
He didn’t give me a chance to answer.
“That you care,” he said.  “That you’d even talk to me after what  jerk I was to you guys when Nick was with you.”
“You weren’t--,”I tried to begin.
“I was, I was,” Kevin said and seemed to start losing his balance.  Nick hung on to him.
“Maybe we should sit,” Nick said looking around.
“Nah. I’m fine,” Kevin said. “But I was a jerk, you know? And you know what else?”
Nick gave me a lost look and tried to make him straighten up. “What? What, Kev?”
Kevin smiled down at me then over to Nick. “Well, that year, when I went to El Paso to find you.. I...,” he hesitated. “I went there to see you, right? I mean, that’s what I said.  But really, really, really Nick...,” Kevin looked up to the flashing lights on the ceiling then down to Nick again. “I really went to take you back.  To convince you that your place was with us.”
Nick gave me a look. “He’s drunk.”
“I know, honey. Just let him ramble.”
“I’m not rambling,” Kevin said pulling away from Nick and leaning back on the bar. “I’m not.  You have to know how guilty I felt. I felt so damn guilty for doing that to you, Frack because you were miserable afterward. I felt like I had ruined your whole damn life.”
“You didn’t,” Nick said with a shrug. “It’s fine. We’re fine. See?”
Kevin shook his head again and looked down at me. His serious, somber gaze taken over by the lost, pathetic one the alcohol created.  “I took him away from you.  I did it on purpose, and I know you know that. Hell, women see right through everything, so you knew. I don’t care.  But that’s why I went to find you in March. I figured I could make it up to you. Both of you.”
Nick looked at the dirty floor and set his mouth in s straight line.
I didn’t actually feel much of everything. He was right. I had known all along.
“It’s okay,” I told him.  “Really.  You did what you thought was right.”
“Yeah, but it was shit,” Kevin said. “It was all for shit because Nicky was so miserable, and I felt like I made him that way.  I love him, you know? And I hated that I did that to him.  I think it made me feel like shit. Kinda like I do right now.”
Nick snapped up at those words. “Do I have to take you to the bathroom? Are you okay? Mike’s with AJ, but I can page him.”
Kevin shook his head. “Nope.  I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.  How sorry I am for making you miserable, but now you know that I made it up to you. Okay?”
Nick glanced back at the floor then over at me, and finally back at Kevin.  “Kev, you didn’t break us up--.”
“Baby, I did.”
“No, Kevin,” Nick said with more force. “Don’t you see that we’re the ones who made the choices?  I’m the one who decided to come back. Elisa is the one who decided to go find me. Yeah, you were involved, but we were the ones who made everything happen. We’re the only ones who can.  Stop feeling guilty over something you didn’t even do.”
Kevin looked at him with this puzzled look on his face.  “I did do it, Nicky.  I know I did.  But I also know that you’re good enough to forgive me. You forgive me, right?”
Nick nodded. “Yes Kevin. I do. I don’t even think you’re right. But I forgive you. It’s okay. All right? Okay?”
Kevin smiled  and threw his arm around Nick. “Okay.  When you guys get married, do I get to be in the wedding?”
I actually laughed.
“I wasn’t in your wedding,” Nick pointed out. “Look, there goes Jay. Let me go grab him so we can go.  Think you can handle Train here?”
I nodded. “Sure honey. Go.”
“But you weren’t in my wedding because you’re not family,” Kevin was explaining even though Nick was gone. “He knows that, right?”
“I’ll tell him,” I said. “Don’t worry.”
“He’s a good guy,” Kevin said with a smile. “And you’re a good girl. You guys shouldn’t get married. Married life is for shit.”
“Kevin, don’t say that. You’re just drunk.”
“Duh,” he said rolling his eyes at me. “You like pointing out the obvious.”
I shook my head and started counting the seconds Nick had been gone just to make them go by faster.
“But I’m serious,” Kevin said bending down to me. “Don’t get married. It ruins everything. Kris and I were happy to work things out when we weren’t married. But it’s like a piece of paper makes everything an obligation. I don’t want to be in this relationship because I’m obligated.”
“Are you guys having problems?” I asked thought I knew I shouldn’t have.
He rolled his eyes again. “Gee, whatever gave you that idea? Yeah, we’re having problems, Elisa. Major ones.” He shrugged.
I was tempted to leave him and his heavy sarcasm there, but I couldn’t.
“It’s probably just a rough patch,” I said  “I don’t think it’ll be like this forever. Wait till the tour’s over, and you guys will have a chance to work it out.”
“You know,” he said. “It’s the breaks that ruin it for us. We get along so we good when we’re working. But when we’re in the house together, it’s like hell breaks loose over every, single sock I leave on the floor.”
“I’m sure it’s not that bad.”
He gave me a look. “Elisa, look at me.”
I did, and he was a green/red-eyed, glassy mess.
“I don’t do this. Usually, I’m doing what you’re doing. I’m baby-sitting the drunks, but here I am, right?  Things are that bad. I’m pretty good at keeping it together until they are.  I’m just...,” he trailed off.
“What?” I asked genuinely worried.
“I’m just worried my marriage isn’t going to last more than a year. My anniversary is coming up, and I don’t even want to go home.”
I squeezed his forearm.  “Listen, work it out.  Nick was right when he told you it had been up to us. No matter what you said and did, we’re the ones working this out. You can do it too. You told me it was all about work, remember? Those are your words.”
Kevin smiled and seemed to regain some bit of himself. “He’s grown up more than I thought he would.”
That had been their constant struggle.  Kevin wanted Nick to be an adult but only on Kevin’s terms.
“He’s great,” I told him. “Really. And you’re a bigger part of that then you’ll ever  know.”
He pressed a smile at me.  “Yeah, but it’s all him, Elisa. He’s made the choices that have take him where he is now.  With you.”
I had to smile as I looked around for him hoping he hadn’t gotten too lost looking for AJ.
“Don’t tell anyone,” Kevin said taking hold of my arm. “Don’t tell Nicky about what I told you just now. It’s bad enough that I came and made an ass of myself today. I don’t want them to know about what’s going on. Okay? Okay?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Don’t worry. Just work it out, Kevin. Everything will be fine. I’m sure.”
He just nodded at me.
“What the hell is this, Kevin?” AJ asked when they got to us.  “You letting Elisa get you drunk?”
The change in Kevin’s expression when he realized AJ was kidding was priceless.
He went from surprised anger to shocked laughter.
“And why they hell didn’t you tell me you were going to be getting plastered? I would have gotten plastered right with you.  Some brother you are.”
Nick shook his head at them. “No. Let’s go. It’s time to go.”
“Baby, you go,” Kevin said giving him a gentle shove toward me. “Bone and me are gonna stay. What do you want?”
“No!” Nick protested.
“Whiskey sour,” AJ ignored him.
“Guys, you can’t do this. You’re gonna be hung over on the bus, and it’s hell to travel like that. Remember we have interviews in Dallas too, and we can’t--.”
Poor Nick ended up talking to the back of their heads as they ordered their drinks.
“Let them go,” I told him pulling his hand. “Let’s just get back to the hotel. I’m sure they’ll be fine.”
“Elisa, I can’t.  They never, ever left me alone in a bar. I can’t just leave now,” he whined like he couldn’t believe what they were doing.  “We have to stay.”
I looked from them back to him, and they were already in their own little world made up of themselves and the good-looking bar maid.
“What do you want to do? You want to dance again? Or just stay here?” I asked giving up to him.  I wasn’t about to come between him and the guys.
He looked at his shoes. “I want to go home.  I want us to be alone, but...”
“Forget it. I know,” I said. “They’re in no shape to be left alone.  If you want to stay, we’ll stay.”
Nick looked over me at them and shook his head. AJ was working pretty hard to catch up with Kevin.
“I don’t know what the hell is wrong with him. He never pulls this crap,” Nick said.  “I wonder if he even called Kris today.”
I sipped my water to make sure I didn’t open my mouth about anything Kevin had babbled to me about.
“It’s just too strange,” he continued. “He never, ever acts like--.”
“Honey, I’m going to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back, okay?”
“No, let me walk you,” he said.
“I’m fine.”
“No, I’m going. Don’t make me stay here with the drunks.”
I laughed and grabbed his hand. “Yeah, okay. C’mon, let’s go.”
We kept our distance the and watched the guys get toasted. They didn’t do much but stand there laughing and checking out the girls.  Eventually, Nick gave up worrying about them, and we decided to dance. What else could we do?
“Are you sure Nick and you are just friends?”
I looked up surprised at the loud voice in front of me.  It was that Jerky Jake guy from the day before.
He ambushed me coming out of the bathroom before Nick and I began our search for the guys so we could go home.
“Um, excuse me,” I told him trying to step around him.
“Aw, c’mon. Wait,” he said stepping in front of me once again.  “I just want to make conversation, Elisa. It’s Elisa right?”
I frowned at him and tried once more to step around him, but this time, he totally blocked me.
“Nick’s going to see you,” I told him.  “And--.”
“And he’s going to come defend his girlfriend just like every good Backstreet boyfriend should?”
I rolled my eyes and took a step back. “Look, we’re friends. I think we already told you that.   Now, just let me--.”
He laughed. “Yeah, you’re right. You’re not exactly boyband girlfriend material.” He checked me out up and down.  “You’re a little short, on the skinny side, and I think your boobs are about as fake as Leighanne’s.  Plus, you’re not leggy enough to be a model or skanky enough to be an actress.  So ‘fess up. What happened? How’d you end up with Nicky? Did he pick you up on the road like the last one? Or did his mom finally find him one he actually likes?”
“Just shut up and get out of my way,” I said starting around him again, but he didn’t give up. And I guess that was his mistake.
“Excuse me!” I told him as loudly as I could and gave him a small shove that didn’t move him half an inch, but Kevin grabbed him and tossed him a few feet, even though he was on the chubby side.
“Are you okay?” he asked me.  “What’d he--?”
“Hey!” Jerky Jake Jerkins protested only get a good shove from AJ.
“What the hell are you doing?” we heard AJ yell.  “Didn’t we tell you to stay the hell away from us a couple of years ago? What? Do you get off picking on girls? Why don’t you pick on me?”
I pushed past Kevin. “AJ, don’t.”
“No, no,” AJ said. “C’mon. I want to you see pull your crap on me. It’s okay for you to make fun of everything and everyone, but how much can your sorry fat-ass take it? Huh?”
Jerky Jake chuckled. “AJ. Bone, c’mon. I have a job to do, and I’m just asking Nick’s girlfriend a few questions.”
“You have no business asking her shit. Do you understand?”
“But she is Nick’s girlfriend?” Jake asked with a smile.  “You’re not denying it, right?”
AJ shoved him again.
This time, I caught his arm. “AJ, don’t.”
And Jerky Jake went right back at him.  That’s what set Kevin right into motion.
He grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him fat-ass first into the wall.  “Don’t you ever, ever lay one hand on AJ again. Do you understand? Because I’m not shitting you here. I’m freaking serious.  You have no business anywhere near any one of us, understand? Not around me, AJ, Nick or Elisa. Tell me you understand.”
“Kevin,--,” he tried only to get cut off.
“Do you understand?” Kevin repeated through clenched teeth.
“I understand, man. I was just--.”
“You were just being an asshole,” Kevin said giving him a shove away from us.  “Go be an asshole somewhere else.”
“Kevin?”
“Kev?”
Mike and Nick appeared before us with horrified looks on their faces.
AJ was cracking up watching Jerky Jake hurry away at the sight of the huge security guy.
“Put that guy on the shit list,” Kevin told him then looked at me. “Are you okay? He was just talking to you, right?”
I nodded. “Yeah, right--.”
“What? What’d he do?” Nick asked eyes startled. “Did he bug you? Was he--.”
“He was just asking about us,” I told him. “I’m fine. The guys just over-reacted.”
Nick looked back at them.  “That’s it. We’re going. We’re going home.”
“Nicky!” AJ laughed. “C’mon!  Take a break from the Kevin-tude.”
“Kevin-tude?” Nick asked confused.
“Yeah. Kevin’s attitude! You just adopted it, man,” AJ laughed. “We’re just playing. And you know that guy deserves much more than a scare.”
“Well, whatever he deserves, he’ll be talking about us all morning tomorrow,” Nick said taking my hand. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine. Really.  You’re right. Let’s just go.”
Kevin and AJ were still busy high-fiving each other while Mike shook his head.
“Did you see his jelly-ass running?”
“Man, I never saw five hundred pounds move so fast. No wait, I did! That time my mom made Nicky a birthday cake, and Lou ran across the Trans-Con offices to have at it, remember?” AJ laughed.
“Guys, I’m gonna have to agree with Nick. Let’s go,” Mike told them. “It’s late.”
“Mike!” AJ protested.
“Yeah, yeah,” Kevin shook his head. “C’mon. Let’s go. My buzz is gone anyway.”
 

“Sorry about all that craziness,” Nick said when we finally got back to our room that morning.  “Things always get crazy at the end of the tour.”
“Hey, stop stressing,” I told him. “They’re your friends, and I don’t mind being there for them with you. God knows both of them have been there for me as well.”
“Not to mention me,” Nick said plopping down tiredly on the bed. “It’s almost daylight.”
“I know. What time do we have to be on the bus?”
“Like ten.”
I nodded.
“What’d you think about what Kev told us? That he’d gone to break us up on purpose?”
I laughed. We had talked circles around that when we were back home.  Nick was always so convinced of everyone’s sincerity, and I just never believed anyone‘s intentions but my own.
“Honey, I do think he was just rambling because he was drunk. He had no clue what he was saying.”
Nick shook his head. “But why? Why would he say that if it wasn’t true?  I mean, I know things were different back then. I know he thought he could tell me which way was up when I was already looking at the sky. But to purposely go break us up was really just evil. I wasn’t that stupid was I? That easy to manipulate?”
I looked up at him before taking a seat on the soft sofa.  “Honey, you were young. You were just--.”
“That stupid? That dumb? You mean, I let him make me miserable for a whole year?”
“No,” I said.  “That’s not what I meant at all.  Yeah, Kevin influenced you back then.  I mean, how could he not? He’s older than you. Says things with such authority.  He made me go to  Florida, didn’t he? I mean, maybe he sees things with more clarity than we do. I don’t know.”
“Maybe he just bullshits better than anyone else,” Nick muttered.  “If I hadn’t listened to him back then--.”
“If you hadn’t listened to him back then, things would have changed anyway. We weren’t ready, Nick. That’s what it comes down to.  If we had been ready, nothing would have pulled us apart.  Not him, not anyone else.”
I heard him sigh.  “You’re right.  But if he did do that, then he really is a jerk.”
“Was a jerk,” I corrected. “He didn’t really mean to do anything but what he thought was right. That Jake guy, on the other hand, is an authentic jerk.”
He chuckled. “That and then some. You remember when you left?  Where were?  Tulsa or something?”
“Oklahoma City,” I said. “I will never, ever forget Oklahoma City.”
“Well, that guy met up with us just after that, in Fort Lauderdale or something. He had some contest winners from Austin with him, so we took him out after the show. I didn’t want to go, but Kevin made me.” I sat up to look at him.  He rolled his eyes. “Really. He made me.  So we went to this party, and they got me really, really drunk. I wanted to just forget about all the stuff that had happened. And getting drunk was like a really good way to do it.  But I got so sick. I remember riding back in the limo with my head out the window because I had to barf.  The guys wouldn’t let me sit inside with them because I just hurled all the way home. Then they dumped me in Brian’s room, and he got really mad at them for doing that to me.” He chuckled. “Poor Brian got stuck baby-sitting me all night because I couldn’t pull my head out of the toilet.  Kevin was pissed because he was too busy picking up chicks while that Jake guy served me drinks. Like it was his fault Kevin was too busy to take care of me.”
I laughed. It was funny that in spite of everything he said about Kevin, he still thought he had some obligation to take care of him.  “And what happened? That can’t be the only reason you guys hate him.”
“You mean besides him bugging you today? Well, right after Jerky Jake went home, we got a tape from record company guys of his next morning show. He told everyone all about our night out.  He blabbed about Kevin picking up chicks. About me getting drunk and hurling everywhere. And he told everyone what I said when I was so damn drunk.”
“What’d you say?”
“Stuff about you,” he said then looked at the floor.  “Apparently, I gave him some long story about being in love with you.  I think I told him just about everything but your name. The rumors flew for months about Nick and some Texas girl. You didn’t hear?”
I shook my head. “I spent all that time avoiding anything that had to do with you.”
“Yeah well, it went around until I started dating someone else.  But I guess Jerky Jake never, ever gave it up.”
“Why do you say that? Because he was asking me questions today?”
He nodded.  “Wonder what he’s going to say this time. Just when we decided to keep everything private.  Sorry about that.”
“It’s not your fault.  I guess I should expect stuff like that to happen, huh?”
“Um-huh,” he said.  “But that doesn’t mean that we can’t try, does it?  We can still say that we’re just friends. It’s what we always said we’d be, right?”
And there he was again. That naive, believing kid he thought he wasn’t anymore.
“Yup,” I said moving off the couch and to his side. “That’s what we said. We’d always be friends.”
“And that’s true, right? You still mean it?”
I frowned at his doubt.  “Of course I mean it. What’s wrong? Why are you even asking me that?”
He sighed. “Lots of stuff happened tonight, and you just got here. I don’t want you to think that it’s always like this.  I mean, sometimes, we get off the stage, come back here and just go to sleep.  I don’t want this to freak you out.”
I took his hand into mine. “Honey, this does not freak me out. I know I have given you a million reasons to think I’m gonna run at the first sight of trouble, but I’m not. I’m not.  I’m here with you this time to stay.  I mean, to stay as long as you’ll have me.”
I saw his smile grow as he lifted his eyes to mine.  “I want you to stay forever.  I never, ever want you to go away.”
“Then I won’t,” I said and scooted closer to him.
He wrapped his arms around me, just as the sun peeked through the slight opening in the heavy curtains.
“Hey, there’s that sunrise we wanted in Baltimore,” he said softly. “Wanna go outside?”
I hopped off the bed.  “Let’s go. At least it’s not freezing here.”
“Was it freezing there? I don’t remember.”
“Nick, we were shivering.”
“I was shivering because I was close to you,” he said pulling me toward the terrace door. “Didn’t you know?”
I stopped so that he had to as well.
“What?” he asked already smiling.
“You’re just...,” I couldn’t find the end of my sentence so I kissed him instead, and we never made it out to the sunrise that day.
 

“Look!”
Of course we all did.
“We’re in Florida!” AJ announced like it should have been shocking.
“AJ!”
“Shut up, Bone.”
“Duh!”
Brian just laughed.
AJ smiled and bounced in his seat on the bus.  “Um, well. I’m excited about it. And I’m excited because that means just one more show to go.”
Nick pulled his gaze away from the sunny, vista and sighed. “Almost home.”
“Almost home,” I repeated.
“So, what’s everybody doing?” Kevin asked from his seat in the back.
“Home,” Brian said. “I’m going home.”
“Yeah well, I meant someone who was actually doing something different,” Kevin told him with a small smile.  “Of course you’re going home, cuz.”
“I’ll just be home too,” AJ said. “You going to LA?”
“Yup,” Kevin nodded. “LA it is.  She’s doing  some benefit work I’m supposed to help with.”
“We’ll be in Tampa, then back to El Paso for Laura’s wedding, right?”
I nodded. “Right.”
“I’ll be at my mom’s,” Howie said. “And at the club.  Hey, we should have a party there.”
“Not another party,” Nick whispered to me.
“What do you guys think?” Howie asked.  “Bri, isn’t Leigh meeting you in Orlando?  It’s not like she couldn’t go.  Maybe Kris could--.”
“She can’t,” Kevin dismissed him. “But it sounds like a good idea.  Count me in.  Nick, you and Elisa willing to stick around one more night?”
That was going to cut out half of the time we were going to spend at his place.  I had to be back home before the weekend.
“Party,” AJ began to chant. “Party. Party.”
“Leigh would probably go,” Brian shrugged. “Why not?”
“Party. Party. Party,” AJ continued. “Party.”
I was already laughing.
“C’mon Nicky, you know you want to,” Howie grinned. “Just one night.”
“Party. Party. Party.”
He shook his head and sat up to face them. “Fine. Fine, listen, we’ll do this party thing. We’ll go. But...,” he dropped off.
“But?” Kevin shook his head. “No buts, Nick.”
“But,” Nick continued. “But that has to be it until August when we meet again. There are no birthdays coming up.  No one is getting married.  No crazy, unscheduled, meetings that are going to interrupt us. Okay? Nothing.”
Brian laughed. “He sounds like me now.”
“Aw, you mean we can’t come to Texas to visit you?” Howie asked. “Everyone but me and Bri have--.”
“No,” Nick told them. “N-O.  We are going to go home and be normal, just like you guys are normal when you go home.”
“Yeah okay,” Kevin said.
“Sure, shun us,” AJ pouted.
Brian laughed. “I knew this would happen one day. I knew that one day, it wouldn’t just be me wanting to be home alone with the wife.”
“Wife!” I blurted more loudly than I wanted to.
The guys immediately cracked up, and Nick shook his head and covered his face.
“Okay not wife, not wife!” Brian sat up laughing. “Strike that. I didn’t mean wife.  I meant significant other.  Right? That’s what you guys are, right? Right?”
“Just quit, Frick,” Nick told him. “Just stop.”
“One more party,” Howie smiled. “This ought to be fun.”
 

We stayed at Kevin’s Orlando house the night after the last concert then ended up at the mall early the next day getting clothes for the party.  Kevin had stayed behind working on his rickety truck, and AJ had gone home and promised to make the drive back in time for the party.
“He won’t be back,” Nick said as we hurried through the stores. The less time we were, the smaller the possibility we’d get spotted.  “He’s gonna hole up at home and forget about us.”
“He’ll be back,” I said.
“No. No, he won’t. I was hoping to talk to him before he took off, but I didn’t get a chance.  I wanted to ask you if it was okay if he came back with us. I know I was the  one going on about us being alone, but I felt bad leaving him behind. He’s still going through rough times.”
“Honey, you must know him very well,” I said.  “I’ve seen him just as much as you have, and he seems fine.”
He shook his head. “He’s not. I know them all very well.  The only reason we ever see each other during breaks is because something’s wrong. And it’s usually me. I’m the one always going to find one of them just to talk, hang out and forget about my problems. I feel bad just letting Bone go like that.  He wouldn’t have done it to me.”
“But you’re not him, Nick. Don’t get me wrong. I would have been more than happy to have him stay with us. But maybe that’s not what he wants. You just said yourself that you’re the one that goes and finds them. Maybe he knows he can do the same if he needs you.”
He nodded as he quickly went through a rounder of guy’s shirts. “I know. But he’s not going to do that.”
He looked serious, somber and more concerned than I had seen him about someone else’s problems.
“Honey, we can go find him,” I offered. “We can take off right now and go find him.”
He looked up from a dark blue shirt that didn’t begin to rival his eyes. “Um, no. I’m sorry. I don’t want to stress you out with this too. I’m sure everything’s fine.”
“You’re not,” I told him.  “But have you called him?”
He nodded. “He’s not answering. He doesn’t even have it set up so I can leave a message. He wants to be out of touch.”
“Then maybe you should let him,” I shrugged. “He’s an adult now, and he must just need time, Nick.  It’s better that he have his space.”
He just nodded and pulled out a black jersey. “Let’s go. I’m taking this. I know you, and you’re going to give me a hard time about picking something out.”
“That’s because I’m picking it out,” I chuckled as we hurried to pay.  “I remember your taste in girl’s clothes.”
He finally laughed.  “Yeah, um, okay. I’ll let you pick this time, but only because we have to hurry, and I don’t feel like fighting. But Elisa, remember that this is party.”
So he thought I was too conservative?  I sent him on his way to get some food while I bought something black and fitted that would keep us both happy.  Besides, I had the feeling that what I was wearing was going to have very little impact on how the night went.
 

“Guys!” we heard Kevin call from downstairs for the tenth time. “I’m going now.  I’m not waiting anymore.”
I was dressed, but Nick was torn between shaving off the little hair project he was growing on his chin and leaving it for the party.
“Leave it,” I told him tying the strap on my heel.  “You look good like that.”
“Yeah? Really?”
“Yeah, really.” I brushed my hair one last time and smiled at him in the mirror.
Slowly, he returned. “You look so pretty.  I like that dress.”
“It’s a skirt and shirt,” I clarified for him. “But you look pretty too.”
He laughed, turn to face me and pulled me into his arms.  “You’re not supposed to tell guys they’re pretty. You’re supposed to tell them they’re handsome.”
“Well, you’re handsome, and pretty too,” I said and kissed his scruffy chin. “I like it.”
He touched it and smiled. “Yeah, I do--.”
“Guys, that’s it. I’m gone. Just take one of my cars, Nick because I’m not waiting anymore.”
“C’mon, let’s go.”
I was barely able to grab my purse and get dragged out the door with him.
Kevin shook his head at us just as we rushed out the front door.  “I should have left you here an hour ago. We told ’D we’d be there by eleven. It’s almost twelve.”
“’D won’t even be there,” Nick said opening the passenger door to Kevin’s Forerunner for me.  “I bet we’re the first ones there.”
“Shut up,” Kevin told him. “And get in already.”
I was already putting on my seat belt.
“You look nice,” Kevin said with an obvious change in his tone.  “Nicky didn’t pick your clothes, did he?”
I shook my head and Nick laughed. “No, he didn’t.”
“Smart girl.”
We were not the first ones at the club.  Actually, I recognized many of the band, crew and security guys.   But much to everyone’s surprise, AJ was in the expansive, bright, fancy club with a girl.
“Shit,” Nick muttered as we made our way over there.
“Oh man,” Kevin said a little more loudly.
“What?”
“That’s Victoria,” Nick whispered to me. “I guess they talked?”
“I guess they did,” Kevin said. “The idiot.”
“What’s wrong with Victoria?” I whispered.
“Everything,” Kevin muttered.
“She’s got a few problems,” Nick said. “I’ll tell you about it later.”
“Guys,” AJ greeted excitedly.  “Hey, you’re all late. I’ve been here since eleven.”
“Yeah, these two were later than me,” Kevin said.  “How are you?”
“Good. Good, I’m good. Look, come say hi to Victoria.”
Kevin rolled his eyes, but Nick forced a smile and followed.  I, of course, was right behind.
And she seemed nice enough: talkative, pretty, friendly.  On first impression, I didn’t get it.  Just as we met, we made a lot of small talk with Kevin almost immediately disappearing.
After about half an hour, AJ and Nick did the same thing, and we were finally left alone to really talk.
“AJ told me all about you,” she said.  “You’re a lucky survivor.”
“Survivor?” I asked confused.
“Yeah, you survived the Kevin wrath and lived.  I mean, he hated you, but you’re back in the fold.”
I didn’t know what to make of that, so I waited.
“He hates me,” she said. “Actually, they all hate me, but he shows it more.  Nick, Brian and Howie are just polite to me, but Kevin does really, truly hate me.”
“But why? I mean, you don’t have to tell me, but--.”
She laughed. “Stuff. I mean, natural, normal, real stuff that AJ and I went through.  Stuff couples all go through, but these guys are beyond protective of each other. Whatever I did that AJ’s already forgiven me for, the other guys have not. That’s why it’s so odd that you left Nick behind, and Kevin doesn’t despise you. Unless he’s softening since he got married.”
“Kevin’s a good guy,” I echoed Nick without even thinking. “He’s just being protective, like you said. And if he’s accepted me back it’s because he doesn’t have a choice. Nick and I have made it very clear that this is about us.  Besides, they’re all adults, and --.”
She laughed again. “Yeah, but they’re men. Men are immature. That’s already a given. But can definitely be as petty and gossipy as we are. I’ve around them for years now, and let me tell you, these guys are extremely close. They’re crazy lives have made them that way.  It’s like you see hundreds of people around them on a daily basis, but they’re the core. And they take care of themselves before anything else. Kris and Leighanne are part of that now, but the same isn’t true about you and me.”
She seemed beyond paranoid.
“Really,” she said. “I don’t want to freak you out, or discourage you from being with Nick. From what AJ says, you guys haven’t had it easy. But it’s not easy. And sometimes, their jobs, and they themselves don’t make it easier.”
“The guys are great. I mean, really. Kevin and I did have problems, but he’s really cool now.  Really.”
She nodded and smiled up at AJ who was coming back toward us.  “Well, maybe they’ve changed.  Maybe not.”
“Girls,” AJ greeted handing us drinks.  “Here are your drinks.”
“Thanks. Where’s Nick?”
“With Kev,” AJ said and smiled. “Drinking.”
“Drinking?”
“Yeah, but they‘re fine. They‘re just talking about how much they‘re gonna miss each other during the break.” AJ smiled slipping his arm around Victoria.
“Are they drinking a lot?”
He shrugged. “A lot for Nick? Yes. A lot for Kevin? No. Especially not the way he’s been lately.  I wonder if something’s up with him. He’s always so busy trying to get away.”
And that strange protectiveness kicked in without me even noticing.  “I have no clue. I’ll be right back.”
AJ waved and Victoria smiled.
I found Kevin surrounded by shot glasses at the bar but no Nick.
“Hey,” I said gently.  “What are you up to? Where’s Nick?”
“Hey! Hey you!” he smiled with a smile squint in his eyes. “Wanna drink?  You did know that we have open bar, right?”
I shook my head. “Um, no thanks. I don’t want anything.  Are you all right?”
He squinted at me.  “Um, yeah. I’m all right. Why? Why do you ask?”
“Because you’re drinking excessively, and the last time you did that was in Austin. I remember you told me that you were having problems with Kris--.”
“Oh that!” Kevin chuckled. “Yeah. That’s the same.  But it’s okay. It’s no problem.”
“Kevin, if you’re drinking it away, there’s a problem.”
“No, no, no,” he said. “There’s no problem.  The only fucking problem is that I have to go back home to an empty house or back to LA with the freaks.”
“Freaks? What freaks?”
“The LA freaks, Elisa. Have you ever lived out there? Dealt with those people?” He shuddered. “They are freakish. I know that I’m supposed to be supporting her career, but I hate that place. I hate, hate, hate LA.”
“Kevin, it sounds to me like you hate that Kris is working,” I said honestly.  “That’s all you ever complain about.”
He made a face at me.  “Complain that she’s working? Why would I complain that she’s working? I don’t want her to be fucking Leighanne or Victoria just sitting on their asses all day long. I want her to work.”
He really was already out of control, and I couldn’t believe Nick wasn’t even around to help me with him.
“Listen,” I said grabbing his arm. “You’re going to have to get all this out of your system.   And drinking it away isn’t really going to help. The tour’s over. You’re going to be on your own, and you’re just going to have to deal. You can’t spend all day drinking.”
He looked at me for a while, furrowed his brow the smiled. “Wanna watch me? Wanna join me?”
“Kevin!” I protested.  “Kevin, c’mon. This isn’t fair. You have to understand that I’m mostly here because of you.  You’re the one who showed me how this isn’t impossible. Nick takes every, single thing you say serious and probably believes that he and I have a chance. That we have a chance like you and...,” I stopped myself.
“Like Kris and me had a chance?” He huffed and pushed against his wavy hair.  “Elisa, how can we have a chance when she’s not willing to compromise? You’re compromising, you’re here. She’s not compromising. She’s fucking nowhere. Since she got hurt in March, she’s just been working. That’s all this is about, her damn job.”
“And it’s been about your job, but she was here. She dealt with it. She tried,” I said not really sure if I was right or not. “Didn’t she?”
“Yeah, she tried.  She tried up until things got good for her.  Then what? Kevin goes to hell?  Screw that.”
I shook my head. “No. That’s when Kevin puts his money where his mouth is and deals.”
He clicked his teeth and shook his head at me. “Elisa, I have been dealing. I have been dealing every, single day. And where the hell is she?  She’s not you. She’s not going to come running looking for true love.  She’s going to look out for herself. That’s it. That’s all.”
I looked down at my shoes.  “No.  No, Kevin. I refuse to believe that.  There is no way I’m going to accept that you just give up on everything like that. I know you wouldn’t let me do it.  You wouldn’t let Nick do it. I’m not going to let you.”
He chuckled. “You’re cute, you know that? I see what Nick sees in you. Why he’s so in love.”
“Those are your beer goggles,” I told him just as the bartender placed a tall glass of beer in front of him.
He laughed even harder then. “And you’re funny.  You’re always way too funny.”
I pulled the glass away from him. “Don’t drink anymore, Kevin. Just don’t. You do this once, and it’s okay because it helps to make you forget. You make a habit out of this, and you’re risking a whole lot more.”
He leaned his elbow on the bar and gave me a look. “Yeah. Okay. Like what? What am I risking?”
“Just doing stupid things. People will see you like this and talk about--.”
He laughed really hard again and pulled the glass back over to himself.  “I don’t give a rat’s ass about what people say. I never have.”
“Yeah, but still, I care what people say about you.  You’re not Kevin the drunk. You’re not even Kevin the party guy. You’re a rock here.  You can’t do this.”
Something flickered in his eyes and he actually straightened up.  “Elisa, you don’t...,” he stopped. “I’m tired of being the rock.  Everyone gets to be pathetic but me.”
I was getting nowhere fast with him and still no Nick.
“Yeah well it’s because they get to be pathetic that you have to be strong,” I told him.
He shook his head and sipped his beer eyes on me the whole time. “What?” he asked once he put the glass down. “Are you gonna stick this out with me? Are you gonna stand guard to make sure I don’t throw up all over myself or fall down?”
I shrugged. “You’d do it for me. You did it for Nick. You’ve done it for them countless times.”
He chuckled and glanced up at the bright, club ceiling.  I saw him close his eyes and actually sway forward.
“Hey,” I shook him.  “Stay awake here, Kev. You pass out, and I won’t be able to carry you.”
He laughed and gripped the bar a little tighter. “Hey, you’ve never called me Kev before.  I’m okay. I just...” he trailed off, and I saw him force his eyes open. “Maybe I better get some air.”
I was pulling on his arm before he had a chance to move. “I’ll walk you.”
“No. I’m fine. Get back to Nick.”
“No,” I insisted.  “Nick’s here somewhere. I’m sure he’s fine. Let’s go outside.”
We took a back exit onto the empty side walk.
He immediately leaned against the wall.
I winced hoping he didn’t topple over or start vomiting.
“Kevin?”
He waited a while to answer me.  I watched him suck in air and look up at the stars in the clear sky.  I could still hear the fast, thumping music from the club through the brick wall.
“Are you all right?”
He nodded and ran his hands through his hair again. “I’m fine. I’m fine.”
“If you want, I can get Nick, and we can go home. Or if you want me to get Mike, I’m sure he’ll drive you back--.”
“No,” he shook his head. “Don’t even tell them. Don’t tell them I’m out here pulling this shit.”
“It’s not shit,” I said.
“Yeah. Yeah, it is. I’m not supposed to be doing this. I’m not supposed to be acting like a drunken asshole with one of my best friend’s girlfriend.  I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say sorry.  But you’re pretty messed up, and I don’t know how you’re going to get back in there.”
He shook his head. “I’m not. Not for a really long time.  I have to walk this off.”
“You’re going to walk? In the street?” He was always the most weary of unwanted attention.  “I’ll go with you.”
“No, I’m fine. Get back in there, and find Nick.  Go dance with him or you guys just take off.”
“You wouldn’t leave me out here alone,” I said.  “I’m not going to leave you.”
He smiled down at me and shook his head.  “Elisa I....,” he stopped and swallowed back whatever he was going to say. “Never mind.  C’mon.”
And we walked for the longest time up and down the grimy street.  It was a Tuesday night, and most of the other clubs and bars were closed, so there was no one out.  I realized then how being responsible and worrisome came with a high price.  Kevin was barely getting a good look at how much it was going to cost him.
“Kevin, what are you going to do? Are you going to talk to her? Are you going to deal?”
He shrugged and gave me gentle push away from a puddle. “We talk every day, Elisa. Every single day. And every day we go through the same crap. Is she coming over here? Am I going over there?  Are we going to make time to be alone together? Am I going to introduce her to those studio guys I told her about?” he shook his head.  “It’s the same shit every day. I’m tired. I’m so damn tired. I want to go home and sleep for days on end, but she wants me out there. She wants me to go smile and help out.” He shrugged. “My big thing with Bri was always that Leigh used him to get acting jobs, and Kristin never did that to me. I guess that’s not exactly true, huh?”
“She wants you there because she loves you not because she needs your support as a celebrity.”
“And I want her support as my wife. You think these next eight weeks are gonna last?  They’re going to float right by. Before you know it, it’ll be August, and we’ll be talking about a new record, a new tour and a shit load of work.  I wanted to go home and be with her. Maybe talk about starting our family. At this pace, we’ll have kids when we’re forty.”
“And you want them now?”
“Not now. But soon.  Before I’m so old and my knees give out that my kids won’t know what did for a living.  Before this whole thing is over.”
I stopped walking.
“What?” he asked looking around. “What’s wrong?”
“You. You’re wrong.”
He made a face. “Look, I was wrong to get drunk again tonight but--.”
“No, not about getting drunk. You’re wrong about Kristin not caring enough or about her being selfish. Love is not selfish.  It isn’t. Not ever. She is doing what she always wanted just you did it. It’s not her fault that her craft is taking her longer to develop.  You’re just going to have to be patient like she was patient all those years with you.”
He was already shaking his head. “Elisa, no.”
“Kevin, yes.  It’s not fair for you to think the whole thing has gone south because you’re not getting your way. This is not about you. This is about both of you.  Both of you. I left my sister two weeks before the most important day of her life.  I have a student who was barely going to get out of the hospital after a six week stay.  You’re going to have to give some too.  I know Nick’s tired. I know he’d rather be home and go sailing, but he’s going to the wedding with me.  Maybe you’re just going to have to go to LA whether you hate it or not. I’m sure at one point, she did it for you.”
“Many times she did it for me,” he said looking at the cracked sidewalk. “So you think I’m selfish?”
“I think you’re probably just tired. You’ve dealt with the tour, the guys, my shit, everything.”
He chuckled. “Sh, don’t say shit.”
I think I might have actually turned red.  Nick never cared about my cussing, but he was a whole different world from Kevin.
“I’m serious,” I said.  “Really.  Maybe you don’t understand how much your confidence means to somebody like me.  How your trust, your faith that things will work out makes me doubt less.”
“Look, I never--.”
I shrugged. “Kevin, I don’t understand why you’ve done half of what you’ve done for me and Nick. Because you have to know, that I had honestly given up.  I had just decided that it was never going to be, and Nick and me would never fit together in the world. I had completely given up.  If you hadn’t gone to find me, if we had never talked, I would still be home sulking.”
He just shook his head at that and squinted down the empty street.
“I love him,” I said. “I think I did since I got to know him so long ago.  But I was ready to give up on that love because I didn’t think I deserved it.  You made me see that I do but only if I’m willing to work.  And I am.”
“I love her,” he said finally. “I love her much more than anything else in the whole world.”
“Much more than you’re tired?”
He nodded. “Yeah.   A whole world more.”  He sighed and looked back up at the stars again.
“Are you okay?”
“Yup,” he said. “I’d better get you back inside before Nick thinks I’ve kidnapped you.”
“Yeah, like I’m one of Brian’s dogs or something.”
He laughed pretty hard at that one and pulled me back up the street.  “Girl, you are really funny. You know that?”
It really was like a bad soap opera when we hit the entrance of the club, and there was Nick looking like Chicken Little.
“Hey Frack, is the sky falling?” Kevin asked seemingly thinking the same thing I was.
“Hm, no,” he said and stared at me. “You guys were outside?”
“Yeah,” Kevin told him. “Your girlfriend was nice enough to baby-sit a drunk. But you can have her back now.”
“Thanks,” Nick said uneasily.  “You guys okay?”
“Fine,” Kevin said stepping past him. “I’m gonna find Bri then probably go home. You guys wanna come?”
“No, we’ll get a ride back later,” Nick told him.
“See you at the house,” he called still a little lop-sided.
I smiled at Nick. “What?”
“He’s wasted?”
“He’s better now. Were you drinking with him?”
“I had a couple, but then I was too busy looking for you. Well, for you guys. He’s gonna get the shock of his life when he finds Bri.”
“Why?” I asked pulling his hand into mine.
“Kris is here. She came to surprise him.”
I tried not to look too stunned, like it didn’t worry me that she was a few seconds away from finding us together outside.  “That’s good. He really needs to see her.”
“Why?  What’s going on? Is that what you guys were talking about out there?”
I ignored the tinge of jealousy in his voice.  “Yeah honey. What else?  He’s been stressing over her since Austin and--.”
“Since Austin? That’s why he got drunk in Austin?”
I nodded. “Sorry I didn’t mention anything to you. He asked me not to because I think he just let it slip.  But it’s fine now, especially if she’s here.”
He gave me a funny look.  “I always wanted you guys to get along, but now I’m not sure if..,” he stopped.  “You still love me, right?”
I had to laugh. “I never stopped, Nick. Stop playing.”
He wrinkled his nose. “Who said I was playing?  C’mon. Let’s go say hi to Kris.”   He pulled me and stopped a few steps inside the club.   “So you knew before any one of us knew that they’re having problems?”
“He let it slip because he was drunk, Nick. It’s not like he told me.”
“Um-huh,” he said.
“Look, you still haven’t told me why you guys hate Victoria. She seems nice enough.”
Nick rolled his eyes.  “It’s a long, stupid story I’ll tell you about on the plane.”
“The plane,” I sighed. “I can’t believe we’re finally going to get on the plane and be alone.”
“Yeah,” he said in an un-Nick-like sarcastic tone.  “Someday, we’ll get on that plane and get on with our own lives.”