It turned out that AJ had been the first one in line to get married. He and Victoria had shared a storybook romance that began right after the fame hit and had gone on for three years before they decided to tie the knot. AJ, in typical AJ fashion, was beyond excited.  Victoria was apparently swimming in doubts because she called the whole thing off a couple of weeks before the big day.  And that wasn’t even why they hated her.
“.... after that it was come and go with them. She seemed to know that he would take her back no matter what.  If she got tired of the tours, she’d up and leave him. If she got tired of dealing with the rest of us, she left him. If she got tired of his mom--.”
“She left him?” I asked and leaned against Nick’s shoulder on the plane.
“Um-huh,” he said.
“But all that is their business. How did you guys get involved to the point that you all hate her?”
I heard him sigh and his shoulder rose and fell.  “We don’t... Well, I don’t hate her. But she’s given him a whole bunch of shit, and many times, he’s just taken it. She’s gone out on him, and he’s taken her back. She’s charged up I don’t know how many credit cards that he’s given her, and he’s taken her back.  She’s been in Kevin’s face more times than I can count.”
I laughed at that one.
“What? What’s so funny?”
“Kevin. He would be arguing with some girl because--.”
“Because she was out with some other guy when AJ thought she was still his girlfriend. Kevin and Howie bumped into her at some club, and Train just lost it.  I still remember that because it was way before I even met you.  But I remember our next meeting at Lou’s office and how pissed off AJ was. He was majorly pissed that Kevin would even get involved in his private life.  They had this huge fight, and Bri and me just stood there staring like we couldn’t believe it.  Like we didn’t understand why it was such a big deal to Kevin. But somehow, I think we both knew we’d be on the other side of that one day.” He laughed. “More than once.”
“Kevin really, really loves you guys,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said softly and dropped off so that we heard other people’s conversations, the sound of the engine and crumpling of papers and soda cans.
“That wasn’t the worst of it, though,” he said more quietly now.  “That’s not why I dislike her.”
I sat up and looked at him, “Then why?”
“Hm, AJ did a lot of crazy stuff when she broke up with him. I mean, the getting drunk I guess is sorta expected when you’re down. But he was wilder than that. I saw him really hurt himself, and that’s what made me mad at her anyway.”
Victoria’s words of how they protected their core came back to me, and I was afraid to ask for more details.
“But he came out okay, right? It’s not like things stayed bad.”
“No,” Nick said and dropped it.
We stayed quiet for a bit, and I heard a baby cry and the crunching coming from someone’s headphones.
“AJ gave her credit cards?” I asked.
He laughed. “Yeah. He did, but don’t get any ideas, because I’m not giving you any credit cards.”
I snapped my fingers disappointed. “Darn.”
He laughed harder and leaned closer to me.  “I can actually brag that my girlfriend has a career that has nothing to do with the business.”  He leaned over and kissed the top of my head.  “And a college degree at that.”
I had to laugh. “You’re real proud of me, huh?”
“Actually yeah. I know you’re joking, but I am.  I am proud of you. I remember when we met you were in the middle of all that stuff: studying for tests, going to class, taking me country dancing.”
I laughed at the far away memory.  “You caught on fast. I haven’t gone country dancing since then.”
“Hm, maybe after all the wedding stuff is over, we can go. Wanna go?”
“Honey, we can do whatever you want.  Seriously. After Laura’s wedding, I won’t care if we disappear off the face of the Earth for awhile.”
He sighed again and slumped down a bit in his seat. “Me either.   But I‘m sorry, you know?”
“About what?”
“About how things got so crazy with the guys. About having to baby-sit AJ and Kevin at different times. About how we didn’t really get to spend enough time alone and enjoy the traveling or anything like that.”
I shrugged. “It’s okay. They’re your friends, and you know I’ve really gotten to like them.  I understand exactly why you needed to be around.  I would feel responsible for them too.”
“I wasn’t exactly there for them in the past, so I guess that’s why I want to be there now.”
“Hey, you don’t have to explain anything to me,” I told him. “Really.”
He was quiet for a second then he sat up and faced me.  “You and Kev are a lot alike, you know that?”
That threw me, so I gave him a look. “What do you mean? We couldn’t be more different.”
“You are alike.  I never thought about how much closer in age you two are.  Or how you both spend so much time reassuring other people.  I think it’s because of both of you that I even feel responsible for anyone else but myself.  That’s all I ever worried about before:  me.  But you guys are very similar in how you worry, how you check everything and everyone out before trusting them. I just never noticed that before.”
I eyed him because it had hit me that he might think Kevin and I got along too well. He joked about me not loving him anymore, but I wondered if anything that far from reality had wandered into his brain.
“Honey, Kevin’s a great guy.  I don’t think I compare a whole lot to him. When he came to find me last March, that’s all I could think. Here’s this guy that keeps everything together, and here I am letting everything fall apart.”
“Yeah, but the funny thing is that he didn’t hold things together that much.  You saw how he reacted when things got bad with Kris.”
I shrugged. “Everyone’s allowed to be pathetic, Nick. Even him.”
He sighed and settled back into his seat. “Yeah, I guess.  Even him.”
 
 

In all the times that I had gone out to clubs with Nick and the guys, I had not gotten drunk, not once.  I had been more than in control as I watched the guys mope over their lives the very way I had in the not-so-recent past, and I‘m not really sure why.  Maybe I needed to be for the conversation we were about to have.
But the night before my sister’s wedding, I got drunk at her bachelorette party.
“Look at you,” Nick laughed when Laura walked me in the house at four in the morning.  “I got her,” he told her pulling me to himself. “You girls partied it up a bit too much?”
I heard her laugh. “I think she’s just not used to it anymore.  She didn’t drink that much.”
“That much?” Nick echoed. “But enough, I guess, huh? How was the party? Did you get a stripper?”
Laura laughed but didn‘t answer. And I couldn‘t remember if we had one.
“Hey Nick!” I greeted happily.
“Ugh, you’re toasted,” he said.  “You do realize we all have to be up in a couple of hours.”
“Tell me about it,” Laura said disappearing to the kitchen. I watched her confused.
“She’s staying here, remember? She didn’t want that guy, Paul, to see her in her dress?” Nick clarified for me. “Should I just go dump you on the bed.”
“No,” I said hanging on to his neck.  “Unless you’re coming with me, and then--.”
“And then no,” Nick said steadily as we maneuvered toward the couch.  “We need to sleep, and that’s what we’re doing tonight, okay?”
I nodded just as I landed on the couch. “Okay.”
“’Night Nicky,” Laura said as she crossed from the kitchen toward her old room with a glass of water in her hand.  “Want to dump her in a cold shower?”
“Well...,” Nick began.
“No,” I protested sitting up. “You guys...,” I had to stop as they both spun hard in front of me.
“Elisa? Elisa, you’re not going to hurl, are you?” Nick’s baby voice asked, and I laughed.
“No. I’m not going to hurl.  What? Do you think I can’t hold my own liquor? You think that I’m like one of your friends? Like AJ or Kevin that get all wasted and then have no clue which way is up.”
He actually laughed. “Oh. And you’re doing an awesome job holding you liquor, Elisa. Really. I think you’re going to get a prize.”
I sat up again. “Really? Where?”
“Ugh,” he moaned again.  “I’m kidding, you silly drunk.  I think I should go get you some water.  You’re going to be sick tomorrow, and you can’t really afford to be.”
I laughed and leaned back while he also disappeared into the kitchen.  It had been so long since I felt the whole world fuzzy and far away.  I don’t really think I missed it as much as I understood why people got drunk for fun.
It was fun.
“No, no you don’t, lushy,” Nick said sitting down next to me again. “You’re not going to sleep just like that. Here, drink some water and take this aspirin.”
I half-opened my eyes at him to find the most gorgeous guy in the whole world try to figure out a way to keep me from being very hung over for my sister’s wedding.
I touched his scruffy chin. “Are you shaving tomorrow?”
“Do you want me to?” he asked putting the glass of water in my hand.
“Naw, I like you like that.”
“Okay. I won’t shave,” he said.  “Drink the water and take the aspirin.”
“Why do I need aspirin?” I asked taking a sip of my water.
“They’ll help to get rid of the hang over,” he informed me. “That day I got really drunk after you left me in Oklahoma City, Brian pumped me full of water and aspirin. I didn’t feel so bad.”
I swallowed the pills with another drink of water.
He really was beautiful. How I could have hurt someone so special, I had no clue.
“What?” he asked when he seemed to get uncomfortable with me gazing drunkenly at him.
“I dumped you in Oklahoma City,” I said aloud for the first time in my life.
“Yeah, you did,” he said.  “But that was a long, long time ago.”
I bit my lip to stop the crazy thought that were spinning through my drunken head.
“What?” he asked again.
“I’m sorry,” I said so softly that it didn’t come out, so I had to clear my throat. “I’m sorry I ever did that. I was lost and stupid, and--.”
He stopped me by pulling me closer to himself. “Baby, you’re drunk. You don’t have to apologize for something that happened so long ago. I don’t hold it against you.”
“But you should,” I said. “I mean, I just left you there with some stupid note for an explanation. And you were so young, that I don’t understand how you ever able to forgive me. How you don’t hate me now, to this day.”
“I don’t hate you because I love you, silly. Stop talking drunk.”
I pulled myself away from his hold, pushed my messy hair out of my face and looked at him. “Nick, drunks and children don’t lie. I’m being honest  when I tell you that I don’t understand how you’ve forgiven me for that. I can’t imagine what it was like for you to get back to the hotel and realize that I wasn’t there.  That after I had sworn all kinds of love to you, I left.”
He swallowed hard and pushed a stray strand of hair behind my ear.  Then he leaned forward and kissed my cheek.
“It was hell,” he said simply.
“I‘m sorry,” I said again. “I never, ever wanted to hurt you.  I just thought the it would be harder if I waited.”
He chuckled. “It was hard enough. I mean, I remember I was going to stay for the after party, but I just kept thinking about you. I kept thinking about how it was the first time we were apart since I came back here.”
I watched him hoping he‘d tell me the whole story because I really wanted to hear it.  I just wanted to know how bad I had made things for him so that I would never do it again.
“I think that day I felt more lost than I ever had in my whole life,” he continued.  “There I was in the stupid hotel thinking you’d be back. Even though, I read the note over and over, I kept thinking that it was lie, and you’d be back.  And I sat there on that bed waiting for you.  I think it was sunrise when I just fell over and slept.”  He sighed. “We were supposed to get on the bus around nine that morning, but I couldn’t even move. I remember that I opened my eyes, the note was still crumpled in my hand, and I just didn’t move.  Brian came knocking on the door, and I ignored him. The phone rang. My cell rang, and I was just there. It must have been nearly ten by the time, Kevin opened the door to the adjoining room and found me.   He thought I was sick or something, but then he realized you weren’t there.”  He laughed. “Your buddy Train cursed you then.  And how.  But he made me get up and move.  He made me.”
“I’m sorry,” I said and touched his soft cheek.
“I told you I was over it. I don’t even think you’d have any reason to apologize. If you remember, you gave me a choice in your note. You said I could come back, but I never did.”
“I didn’t think you would,” I said.  “I was sure that you wouldn’t. I just spent what was left of Christmas here, crying.”
He smiled slightly and pulled me back into his arms. “Elisa, we have been to hell and back, okay?  It was your fault, and it was mine, but it’s over now.  We’re where we’re supposed to be, and it’s going to work out.  I’m going to make it work out, and so are you.”
Finally, the sleepy stage of drunkenness hit, and I leaned into him.  “I love you so much.”
He laughed, and it was funny sound to hear through his warm chest. “I love you so much too.  Let’s just get some sleep okay?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
I think he might have meant for us to go to bed, but I conked out right there.
 
 

I squinted in the bright, sunlight of the church patio.
I really should not have drank so much. My head throbbed, and my stomach felt like it would never be up to eating again.  I was barely coming to my senses about half an hour before the ceremony.  But I had been conscious since six that morning when Nick and Laura made me shower and put me in the hands of some stylist who insisted on pinning up my hair with little decorative flowers.
My dress was soft yellow, and really very pretty, but it had not functionality at all.  It was all pouf and noisy as I waited around holding Laura’s bouquet.  We were supposed to take a few more pictures together then go drive around until it was time for her big arrival.
“You look like a pretty, hung over banana.”
I turned slowly to not upset my hair or my aching head.
Nick laughed happily in his dark blue suit.  “Banana.”
“Stop,” I told him squinting at the bright sun.  “Stop laughing.”
“Here,” he pulled off his sunglasses and stuck them on my face. “Now you look like a cool, pretty, hung over banana.”
“I don’t look like a banana.”
He grinned and looked around the sweet courtyard.  “This is so rest of your life,” he said with a sigh. “Brian got married in a big church like this. Kevin got married outside.”
I nodded and glanced around his broad shoulders. “Where’s my sister? She’s not chickening out, is she?”
“No, she’s not chickening out. I think she’s talking to the priest, but she’ll be right out.  You know what you have to do? You guys rehearse all of this?”
I nodded and my head seemed disconnected from my hair.
Nick chuckled.
I finally smacked his shoulder. “Stop laughing at me.”
“I’m not,” he laughed.  “I’m just trying to get over what they did to your hair.”
“That does it,” I said and started pulling out the pins and little flowers that were holding up the whole mess.
“Elisa, maybe you shouldn’t,” Nick said watching me with a grimace. “What if you can’t fix it?”
“You think this is fixed?” I asked shaking out my long, wavy hair.  “She just piled it all on my head. I hate it.”
Nick smiled and helped me pull out the pins and settle it freely at my shoulders like I always wore it.
“Hey, that’s you,” he smiled and kissed my cheek. “Much better.  Here, let me have those.”  I placed the little flowered pins in his hand.
“I can’t believe she’s finally getting married,” I said.
“Yeah, aren’t all your sisters already married?” he asked and pushed a strand of stubborn hair off my face.
“Yeah, the other two were married a long time back.  Now, it’s just me. I’m the only single one.”
He nodded and reached back to my hair.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
He smiled. “Nothing.  I’m not doing anything. It’s just you left some of those pin thingies in your hair, and I’m taking them out. Look, there’s another one.”
I let him play with my hair until Laura hurried back out to us.
“Okay. Paul’s on his way, so we’re off.  And the church is packed.  We’re only going to drive around the church once, and then just come back.  You remember everything you need to--,” she stopped at stared at me. “What happened to your hair?”
“I like it better down,” I said.
She nodded. “Okay. Me too. Let’s go.”
“Bye Nick,” I said and gave him a fast kiss.
“Bye girls,” he said.
“Take off those shades,” Laura said not turning back to me.
I pulled them off and handed them back to Nick.
Once we were in the limousine, I found the mirror in the emergency bag Laura was carrying around.  And I was really happy with my hair except for the little, plastic flowers Nick had stuck back in it.
I started to pull them off, but Laura stopped my hand. “Leave them, they look good.”
 
 

The evening was full of family, friends I hardly ever saw and all the best wishes in the world for Laura and Paul.  My sisters had both made it home with their families in tow, and they were more than intrigued by Nick.
“You look familiar,” Susana, my older sister who lived in Austin, told him late into the evening.
He smiled his best smile at her. “I do?  A lot of people tell me that.”
She shook her head. “No. No, I know you. I’ve seen you before.  I just can’t think of where.  Are you from Austin?”
He shook his head, “No, but I was just there last month.  Maybe I just look like someone you know.”
Susana is the kind of woman who think she has it all figured out. And usually, she does.
“No,” she said. “I know that I’ve seen specifically you before.”
I smiled and looked down at the table because she wasn’t going to give up.
“Mom?”
“Hang on,” Susana told my nine-year old niece.  “I know I--.”
“Mom?”
“Just wait.”
I looked up to find Nick smile at the little girl and give it all away. I was sure he was doing it on purpose because just then she practically squealed, and I winced.
“Now let’s see...,” Susana was saying.  “Maybe you pick up your kid brother or sister at Claudia’s school.  Maybe that’s where I--.”
“Mom!” Claudia had lost it.
“What, Claudia? What? Why are you interrupting me?”
Nick giggled, and Claudia sat forward to explain exactly who he was to my sister.
“Oh my God, you’re right!” Susana said eyes bulging.  “You’re that Backstreet Boy guy! You’re him! We went to see you in concert last month.”
I suddenly became interested in the table again when I realized that I hadn’t even invited them. I didn’t know for sure that Claudia was a fan, and of course, I had been too caught up in myself to figure it out.
“Did you enjoy the show?” Nick was asking.  “We performed two nights, and the first night, the sound wasn’t that good.”
“It was great,” Claudia smiled.
“It was great way in the back of the auditorium,” Susana huffed.  “We made the best with what we could.”
I knew her eyes were blasting right through me.  I cleared my throat and started to think of something.
“We’ll go through Austin again before you know it,” Nick said assuredly. “That or you can come visit us out on the next tour. We’re always inviting family.”  He sat up.  “You know what would be cool?  We’re doing some shows in Mexico in early September, and maybe you could go then.  My treat.”
It was my turn to stare at him.
He just shrugged. “It could be fun.  After that, we wrap up this tour and get another break for awhile.  I’m trying to talk Elisa into moving back to Tampa with me.” He slipped his arm around me, and I heard Claudia giggle.
“Really?” Susana asked with that typical big sister doubt in her voice.  “That could be interesting.”
I smiled. “Um, yeah.”
Nick was used to the playful banter between Laura and me, but my older sisters made me uncomfortable. Susana, especially, took on a judgmental attitude with me more often that not. She was older, she thought she knew what was best. She wanted to be my Kevin, but I had never been a willing Nick.
He gave me a confused look then sat back and shut his mouth.
Claudia was back to whispering stuff to Susana, who listened then started laughing.
“C’mon mom. Please?”
Susana kissed her on the cheek and looked at Nick.
“Ask your Aunt Elisa.”
“You ask her,” Claudia whined. “Please?”
Nick and me exchanged confused looks.
“Claudia wants to know if you’ll let Nick dance with her,” Susana smiled at me.
“Of course, but you better ask Nick.  He likes for girls to make the first move,” I whispered just to Claudia.
She looked up at him, and he smiled into her big, brown eyes.
“I want to dance right now,” Nick said full of enthusiasm again.  “Let’s go.  I’ll be back.”
I nodded. “Okay. Sure.”
Susana watched them smiling until they found an empty spot on the crowded dance floor and danced.  Claudia had the biggest smile on her face that I had ever seen. No wait. I had seen that smile before.  I saw it when I looked in the mirror since Nick returned to my life.
“So that’s you,” Susana said.  “You’re the small, latin-looking, quiet girl Jerky Jake Jergins in the mornings saw at the concerts?”
“What?” I asked.
“Um-huh,” she said.  “Do you know who he is? He’s a morning DJ in town, and he was on the morning after the concert talking about how Nick had a girlfriend.  But he really didn’t go into much detail except to say that she was quiet, and that the guys were being very hush-hush about it.”
I nodded. “Nick and I decided to keep it private. It’s easier that way.”
“Are you sure he’s just not hiding you?”
It was better not to acknowledge her ignorance.  “No. I’m sure. It was my decision.”
“And how long have you guys been together? I saw you in Austin just last March, and you didn’t mention anything.  Where’d you meet him? What’s he like?  Have you met the other guys?  You’ve held out on me a long time, Elisa,” Susana smiled. “And I want details.”
I gave her most of what she wanted in the quickest summary I could come up with. And she listened with scrutiny.
“So, he’s only 21?”
I nodded.
“Are you sure he’s going to take you seriously? Don’t you think that he could be dating any other girl? What if--.”
“I don’t live in the ‘what-if’s’ any more,” I told her plainly.  “I live in the now. I love him, and--.”
“And you never know what could happen.  You loved Alex and Daniel, and look where that got you.”
I was tired from partying the night before. I was very happy that Laura had gotten married. It made me feel good to share Nick with the rest of the people in my life.  And I should have expected Susana’s doubts.
“I love him,” I told her again.  “I already spent too much time worrying about the future.  So much so, that I never enjoyed the present. For this one time, Susana, I’m going to live like there’s no tomorrow.”
She blinked at my tone.
“Fine,” she dropped it.
But she had gotten to me, just like she always did. There was no way that I could hide it.
“I’m going to go check in with Laura.  After all, this wedding is about her and her life, right?”
“Elisa!” Susana protested my sarcasm and looked at me like she was ready to stop being a bitch, but I had just started.
I didn’t stop.  I stepped around the dance floor, through the crowd and back to Laura who was getting ready to leave.
“I’m throwing the bouquet,” she announced.  “Want me to throw it at you?”
“No.”
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“It’s Susana. What else. But I’ll tell you later. Let’s do this.”
They cleared the dance floor and organized the old, pathetic ritual of making single women look stupid.  I pretended to crowd the dance floor with the rest of them, then just when Laura turned around, I stepped out and found my way Nick.
“Hey,” he grabbed on to my waist. “I’m gonna throw you back out there.”
“You’d better not.  I’m not about to stand out there and fight for a bunch of flowers that mean nothing. I’m not next. I’m not getting married.  I’m not going to humiliate myself chasing after Laura’s bouquet as if it means anything to anyone but Laura.”
He blinked at me.
I turned back to the frenzy of girls in formals jockeying for position.
“C’mon,” Nick said and pulled me out one of the back doors.
We stepped out into the still, warm June night. He steered me through the cars that crowded the parking lot and led me all the way back the fancy car he had rented for the wedding.
“C’mon,” he repeated and helped me to sit up on the hood.  My dress crackled softly beneath me, and he jumped up as well.  “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why are you pouting?”
“I’m not pouting,” I said.
He laughed. “I know a pout when I see one. I should. I am the king of pouts. What’s the matter?”
“Nothing, Nick. Nothing new. Nothing you can help me with.”
“Oh,” he sighed.  “Your niece is cute. She looks a lot like you.”
“Yeah. The poor thing was born to Susana, and now she’s stuck.”
He chuckled softly. “I was wondering if she had said something to you.  Your sister seems a little, um, patronizing.”
“Patronizing?” I laughed. “That’s a nice word compared to the one I thought up for her, Nick.”
“What’d she say? What’d she do? C’mon tell me.”
“It’s not what she said. I don’t care about what she said.  She can say whatever the hell she wants. I don’t care.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
I shrugged and looked around at the night.
“Did she tell you something about me?”
“Yeah, but that--.”
He sighed hard again. “I figured.  The whole night she had been looking at me like I wasn’t fit to tie your shoe laces.  When she found out how old I was, she probably figured that I didn’t know how to tie your shoe laces, huh?”
“It’s not about you tying anyone’s shoe laces. It’s about me never being able to tie my own. She thinks I haven’t changed. She thinks I’m still that dumb ass girl without a brain in her head that goes around falling in love with any dumb ass guy.”
Nick put his arm around my shoulder and kissed my hair.  “But you know you’re not--.”
“I know I’m not. I know that. But I also want to have some kind of family life with them. I wanted share you with them, and for her to give you a chance. But hell, she won’t even give me a chance.”
“Well Elisa, did you tell her that’s what you thought? Were you straight with her?”
“I don’t even deal with her, Nick. There’s no point. I’m always going to be her stupid little sister.”
He laughed. “I thought I’d always be Kevin’s stupid little brother. But I’m not. It’s the same for you.”
“Women are different,” I told him flatly.  “She’s just so smug.”
“I saw that pretty quickly too.  Just let her be wrong, Elisa. Whatever she said about you, about me, just let her be wrong.  Because she is, right? Whatever she said about us, she was wrong.”
I didn’t answer.
“Hey,” Nick said letting go of me and sliding off the car.  He stood in front of me and pulled my hands into his.  “She’s wrong. She’s wrong.  She does not know one thing about us, about how we got here. So she’s just wrong. Right?”
I nodded at him as he pulled my hands to his face.
“Even if you think she’s not wrong, I’m gonna prove her wrong,” he said and kissed my left hand then my right hand.
“I think she’s wrong.  I just wish it wasn’t like that. That she wasn’t like that,” I said finally going back to him.  He smiled up at me, and I caressed his soft cheek while he kissed my other hand again.
“Wanna go home?” he asked still holding my hand to his mouth.
“Yeah.” From where I was sitting I could see people making their way outside and to their cars. Laura’s limousine was long gone.  “Let’s go home.”
He helped me off the car and started to get inside.
“Hey unless...,” Nick smiled as he started putting on his seat belt. “Unless we go do that country dancing we were talking about.”
I laughed. “Dressed like this?”
“Yup. Dressed like this.  Want to?”
Typical of Nick to take a bad moment and make it good.  I wondered if there was anything he couldn’t fix.
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
 

We split our eight week vacation between El Paso and Tampa.  He really had eight weeks. I really had seven if I wanted to return to school before the kids got there.  I didn’t want to be away from home the whole time because I had to catch up on David’s family situation.  He had been released from the hospital but had to endure painful rehabilitation sessions.  His mom was barely going to get out of the hospital, and his dad was all but back to normal.
“Can you imagine?” Nick was saying as we left the hospital the night before our trip back to Tampa.  “I mean, his whole life changed in a matter of seconds.
Nick had gone with me as we visited the little guy during one of his rehabilitation sessions.
“Yeah and you wonder why you being on that bus stressed me out so much.”
He smiled.  “Yeah, but I’m fine. So don’t--.”  His cell started to ring, so he answered.  “Yeah?.... Hey!” he laughed. “How are you?... Oh, you’re welcome.... Nuh-uh... It wasn’t that big a deal...”
We continued toward my car and he continued to talk and laugh happily.
“Well, who do you think picked it?... Of course she did... You think I suddenly got any idea what to give for a first year anniversary?”
I knew then he was talking to Kevin.  He and Kristin had just celebrated their first year anniversary and we sent them a fancy first anniversary basket complete with champagne, champagne flutes, picture frames, candy and other goodies.  Nick had forgotten the exact date, so we ended up going on a fan page to look it up.  Then we had to order it online even though I had wanted to get them something more meaningful.
“...my idea was a snow globe with a picture of me in it,” Nick was saying with a laugh. “Really.”
I laughed. He loved kidding around with the guys so much, but then he stopped laughing.
“Really?... Really?... Why?... Okay, when?... We’re on our way to Tampa tomorrow, so you can just go out there...Yes, you can... Yes, you can... Yes, you--.” He obviously got interrupted and made a face at me.
“What?” I asked starting to get worried.
He shook his head. “Well, what are you gonna do there alone, Kev?... Go home.  Go to Florida.  Don’t just stay there alone...” He made another face.  “Yeah. Okay.... Okay... Okay, I won’t... I won’t tell anyone... Talk to you soon... Bye.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked as soon as he clicked off the phone. “Is he okay?”
He shrugged. “Not sure.  Kris and him celebrated their anniversary in LA, and now she’s gonna start filming a movie.”
“Good for her,” I said.
“Yeah, but she’s never home. He’s getting frustrated because they were rushed through their anniversary celebration.  He wanted them to go back to Kentucky, but they didn’t have time.”
“He’s pissed?”
He shrugged. “Disappointed. I invited him out to Tampa with us. I know we said that we wanted to be alone, but I just don’t...,” he trailed off and snuck in a small smile.  “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” I said. “You know what I think about them already. I don’t mind.”
He opened the passenger door for me with the same, beautiful smile.  “That’s why I love you so very much.”
I knew very well that wasn’t the only reason why. But I wondered what life would be like if I wasn’t so understanding. I knew that Brian got ribbed for Leighanne’s attitude toward the guys. She wasn’t exactly accepting of them encroaching on their private time. AJ and Victoria had pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth, so they weren‘t going to be Kevin‘s refuge if he needed one.
It might have been Kevin himself who established a strange, open phone line rule between him and Nick.  If Nick ever needed him, all he had to do was call anytime, anyplace.  I just don’t think he thought he’d ever be the one calling Nick.
But it happened, just a lot of things that we don’t think will happen often do.
 
 

Late that first night in Tampa, I woke up because I heard a strange faraway noise.
The room was dark, and all I could hear immediately was the ocean, then as my senses came back to me, I heard Nick’s breathing.  It wasn’t that same, even breathing I was used to falling asleep or waking up to. It wasn’t even the snoring that he occasionally broke into when he was really tired.  The sound was more jagged, unsteady and off any sleeping rhythm I had heard.
I sat up and leaned over his sleeping form. He still slept exactly the same way: on his side, his knees slightly raised with one arm folded under his head and the other around his middle.  From what I could make out in the dark, his knees were up higher, and he was holding himself closer.
He twitched, and his breathing went faster.
Just on impulse, I touched his arm, but he moved it away and mumbled something in his sleep.
He never talked in his sleep.
I went back to my side and turned on the lamp.  Even the shadows, I could tell he was having a nightmare. His face was contorted deep in worry that I had never, ever seen before.  There was a thin veil of sweat over his upper lip.
“Nick?” I whispered trying to reach him.
He mumbled something else, pulled his knees up higher  and tried to dig his face into his arm.
“Um..... umf...no,” was what I understood this time.
“Nick?” I tried again a little more loudly. “Honey, wake up.”
He flinched against my touch and continued in that same lost state even though his breath seem to steady somewhat.
I pulled the sheets up over him figuring he was probably just cold.  I scooted in closer to him and slipped my arm around him to comfort him.  Maybe the nightmare had gone the way it came.
I was probably just about to slip back into my own dreams, when he gasped and jerked up into a sitting position.
“Nick?” I was up as quickly as I could. “Hey.  Hey, what’s wrong?”
Though he was sitting on the edge of the bed, he seemed to have no clue where he was.  He had his arms crossed protectively over his chest and seemed to be having a hard time looking up.
I moved closer to him and grabbed his arms.  He was freezing.  “Nick? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
He blinked at me, and I practically saw him return to consciousness as he jaw dropped.
“Oh my ... God,” he breathed.
I rubbed his arms and reached up to wipe the cold sweat from his lip and face.  “Honey, what is it? It’s just a nightmare, right? You’re all right. You’re okay.  You’re shaking,” I said just as I realized that he was. “What’s wrong?”
He shook his head slowly and pushed his hair off his face as if trying to catch his breath and come back to himself.
“It’s okay,” I said pulling him back to me. “It’s all right. You’re fine.”
He let me hold him close to me and kiss his face.  The whole time we were back together, I had not seen him that vulnerable, that lost.  He hid his face in my neck and held on tighter than ever.
“What happened?” I asked after he was able to let go of me, go to the bathroom and return to bed.  By then, I had turned on the lights and the television figuring he wasn’t going to get anymore sleep.
“Nightmare,” he said sitting down on the edge of the bed again.  It was almost like he was afraid to go back to the same thing.
I tried to smile. “Honey then it’s gone. If it was just a nightmare, it’s not going to be real. Not ever.”
He shook his head, and I could tell he hadn’t let go. He was in that state where you just can’t seem to understand how this is your reality and not the bizarre dream that held you captive.
I scooted next to him and pulled his hand to mine. “What happened? What’d you dream? Are you going to tell me?”
He shook his head at first, then he looked up at me.
I saw his expression change, and I guess it was because he saw the worry in mine.
“It was nothing,” he said softly.
“It was something.  Something big, Nick. I’d never seen you have a nightmare.”
“I haven’t had one in a long time,” he said. “Not like that, not since I was a kid.”
I decided to try again. “What did you dream?”
He looked down at the rug below his bare feet then up at me.  “Elisa, I don’t want to tell you. If I tell you, I’ll just remember it, and I don’t want to.”
He hadn’t been that much a kid in a long time.
I sighed.  “Okay.  Then you don’t have to. You don’t have to remember anything.  Just know that it was just a nightmare. That’s all.”
He nodded.
“C’mere,” I told him and pulled him back to me.  I let him rest his head on my lap while I played with his hair, and I know we both just stared at the television.  And that was all the noise that filled the room for a couple of hours.
The sun was finally peeking through the heavy blinds when he finally sighed and sat up.
“You okay?” I asked.
He nodded.  “Fine.”
“Want to go get some breakfast? We can if you want--.”
“I want to tell you.” He pulled my hand into his and sat indian-style in front of me.
“Okay. Tell me.” I sucked in air expecting to hear something horrible.
He bit his lip and looked down at our hands.  “It was, um, the bus.  We were all on the bus, and it ... it crashed.”
“Nick, I’m sorry. That’s my fault. I was the one going on and on about you being on that bus at night.  I put that image in your brain. After everything that happened with David--.”
He was shaking his head. “No. No, it wasn’t you.  This wasn’t your fault. It’s not like I hadn’t thought about it  before. It’s not like we haven’t had close calls or anything.”
“Yeah honey, but I’m the one who made such a big deal out of it. I’m sorry. I never, ever meant to do that.”
“But Elisa, I have had this nightmare before. I had it all the time when I was kid. I would dream that the bus would fall off a cliff or  the plane would crash in the middle of nowhere. When I was really little, poor Brian had to deal with me screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night.  It’s normal because I travel so much.” He shrugged uneasily. “It was just different this time. I was more scared that I thought I could be in a nightmare.” He finally looked up at me. “And I know why.”
“Why?”
His eyes searched the room as if for something else to focus on but me. I put myself into his line of sight, and he pressed a tight smile at me.
“Because you...,” he let go of my hands and held on to my face instead while his scared, blue eyes gazed into mine.  “Because you were on the bus with us, and I was freaked out. I was freaked out that something could happen to you on top of everything else--.”
“Oh Nick--,” I began softly.
“No,” he shook his head. “No. You don’t get it.  I think we all accept the risk of doing what we do because we’ve done it for so long. But in my dream, the bus crashed, and I couldn’t find you.  I could see flames, metal and blood everywhere, but I couldn’t find you. And I was sure you were supposed to be there. I had just been talking to you when I heard brakes screeching and everything started to tumble.” His hands eased off my ears and stroked my hair gently instead.  “I saw Kevin, Howie, AJ and Brian, but there was no you.  And everything was hot and cold at the same time.  And the guys were helping me look but trying to pull me off the wreck at the same time. But you were gone,” he almost whispered the last sentence.
“It was a nightmare,” I said.
“It was the worst feeling I have had in the whole world,” he said letting go of my hair and closing his eyes.
I sighed wishing I could take away all his fear, his pain and his worry.  All I could do was reassure him.
“Honey, I’m here, and you’re not getting on that bus for a very long time. We still have a few weeks of summer ahead of us before I go back to work.  You had a nightmare, and it’s normal.  You live this life under so much stress, and you never let it get to you.” He opened his eyes, and I pulled his hands back to mine.  “You don’t it let get to you. I see you deal with everything: the fans, the traveling, the press, the guys and their problems, and you just deal.  Instead of running away like you did when you were stressed before, you deal. And that’s good. But it catches up with you, and that’s where this nightmare came from. It’s just the stress catching up to you. The stress and my fears.”
He half-wrinkled his nose at me. “It’s not you.”
“I think it is,” I said honestly. “I live in fear of something happening to you too. It’s normal.  We both just have to have faith that it’ll work out.  That’s what this is all about, remember? When I came back to Tampa, that’s what you asked me to have. Lots of faith.”
He nodded slowly. “Yeah. C’mon.”  He shut off the lights, left the TV on, laid back down on the bed and let me rest my head on his chest.  “I’m sorry I kept you up half the night.”
“Don’t apologize.  I’m glad I was here.  I’d hate for you to have nightmares when you’re alone.”
He chuckled. “I don’t really have them much anymore, Elisa. It’s been a really long time.”
“When was the last time?”
“Hm,” he thought. “Probably about the time Brian had surgery.  I think it was then because we were in Kentucky at Kevin’s house, and I freaked his mom out.” He chuckled. “She stayed up with me and Kev, made us pancakes and wouldn’t stop talking. I guess with everything that was happening with Brian, she was scared too.”
I nodded.  “I bet.”
“Which reminds that I’d better call Kev and tell him we’re here,” he said.  “Maybe he’ll come down and stay with us.”
“That would be good,” I said.  “At least he wouldn’t be over there alone.”
“Yeah, or at the very least, he could call us.  I want to know what’s going on, and he didn’t tell me.”
“He’s not a talker, Nick,” I said. “It’s different for you and me. We like to talk through the things that bug us, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t like for people to see his weaknesses or even to stress over him. He has this enormous pressure on himself to be strong that he’s left no out for his own fears.”
Nick didn’t say anything for a long time, and I thought that he had fallen back to sleep.
“You think it’s me?” he asked out of nowhere.
“You what?”
“You think it’s me that’s put that pressure on Kev? That it’s because of me that he can’t be weak. I was the one that was always weak.”
A couple of years ago, the answer to that question would have been very different.
“It’s not you,” I said.  “It’s him. He’s taken on that role. And he’s taken it very seriously with you, but he’s seen how you’ve grown up.  I don’t think he stresses over you quite so much anymore. Now it’s everything else. Sometimes, I think he just finds reasons to worry just so that he doesn’t have to worry about himself.”
Nick sighed. “Yeah. Okay. You’re right.  If he doesn’t come stay with us, maybe he’ll call.”
“He will. Don’t worry. Maybe it’s time he learn that it’s okay to show people that he’s weak.”
 

Kevin did end up calling, but the majority of the time, I was the one who answered.
“Are you okay?” I was asking one sunny July morning while I sat outside watching the sun warm the ocean.
Nick usually slept well into the day.
Kevin sighed. “Yeah. I’m okay.”
I hated to sit there and try to get him to talk about what was bugging him. He rarely did.  I guess it took a lot of alcohol to make him vulnerable.
“When are you coming out here?” I asked.
“Not for awhile. I’m actually working on some stuff.”
“Working?” I asked trying not to laugh. Nick hadn’t done an ounce of work during the break.
“Yeah. I have some music down that I want to show the guys when we get back together.  And I can’t wait. I’m already missing everything about work.”
“Are you really? You miss the schedule?”
“Yeah. I like to have things planned out like that. I hate to get up in the morning and not know exactly what I’m doing.”
Nick hated the schedule.
“Of course I miss the schedule,” he said with another sigh.
“Bet you don’t miss the guys.”
“Bet I do.  I miss them the most.” He laughed. “You’d almost think I was lying as much as I bitch about them.  But I miss them, I do.”
“Then get out here, Kevin,” I said.
“I don’t miss them enough to interrupt your time together. Lord knows you don’t have enough of that already. I’m not going to ruin it by being around twenty-four seven.”
“You know you wouldn’t ruin it. Nick and me are just here. We spend some time out on his boats, or out with his dogs or just watching movies.  Really. Don’t think we’re doing anything out here to keep you that far away.”
He laughed again.  “Elisa, I’d love to get out there with you guys, but being here is giving me thinking time, and I really need it. I need to think about where I am. What’s going to happen. And where I’m going to go.”
“What do you mean, ‘go’?” I asked because that last word had startled me.
“Don’t listen to me. I’m being negative, and I don’t know why. It’s not like me.”
There was a sadness in his voice that I hadn’t heard since he had gotten drunk in Orlando.
“You can come out here and think just as well,” I said trying not let him sink too far. “You know we’ll keep you busy.”
He laughed.
“Hey you,” Nick greeted from behind me.
I loved him in the morning, even if it was late morning.  His sleepy eyes made him look more adorable then usual.
I smiled up at his tall frame in the doorway.
“Kev?” he mouthed.
I nodded.
The morning phone calls had become a ritual.
Nick sighed. “He should just get out here,” he said softly.
“What are you guys up to today?” Kevin asked.
“I’m not sure,” I said. “Nick just got up, so we’re just gonna--.”
“Can I talk to him?” Nick asked standing behind me now.
“Um hang on, he wants to talk to you.”
I handed him the phone and kissed him on the cheek. “Are you hungry?”
He touched his bare, golden-brown stomach. “Always hungry.”
“Okay. I’ll get food.”
I hoped that Nick pushed him enough, he’d give in and do something to solve his situation.
 

AJ resurfaced about a week after that, and they ganged up on Kevin to force him to go down to Tampa.  Between Nick’s whining and AJ’s death by hat beating threats, I don’t think poor Kevin had a choice.
And with AJ around, I had no choice but to see less of Nick. It was okay.  I wasn’t going to complain about spending time alone with the luxurious house to myself.
“Hey girl,” Kevin arrived late one cloudy afternoon while I sat outside on the deck (my favorite spot) going through some books Nick had brought for my classroom.
“Kevin! Hey!” I was quick to give him a hug.  “How are you?”
He smiled at me. “Good. I’m doing well, not as well as you but...,” he laughed.
I looked at him then at myself. “What?”
“Nothing,” he shook his head. “You look good. The sun’s been good for you. I guess Nick too?”
“Very good.” I laughed.
“Where is ol’ Frack?  Asleep?”
“No.  He and AJ went to Orlando to do something. I forget what,” I admitted.
“He left you here? Alone?”
“I wanted to stay. Want a soda? Water? Beer?”
“Water,” he said following me inside. “I just drove all the way out here.”
“Really? Overnight and all day?  Are you tired?”
“Nope.  I like to drive.”
“You guys all do,” I said. “Nick wanted to drive here from El Paso, but that’s practically two whole days. I didn’t want to waste two days driving.”
“It not a waste,” he said opening his water bottle.  “If you think about it, we rarely get to drive. Our drivers drive the bus, of course. More often than not, we’re getting driven around in a van, limousine or big truck.  All guys like the idea of getting behind the wheel and driving for days. It’s a macho thing,” he admitted with a smirk.
“Macho thing,” I repeated after him and laughed.  “Are you hungry?”
“Why? Do you cook?”
“Hm, no,” I admitted. “But Nick and I got a pizza last night, and unless he and AJ ate it for breakfast, I can heat it up. I’m good at putting stuff in the microwave.” I had already opened the refrigerator door to find that the guys had indeed eaten every last, leftover crumb.  “Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I don’t eat pizza anyway. Are you hungry? I can make something,” he said peering over my shoulder at the sparse contents of our refrigerator. “Gee, you guys must eat out.  A lot.”
“Yeah,” I said. “That, and I let Nick make spaghetti.  I want to learn to cook, but I burn everything.  I‘m doing much better at breakfast.”
“Wanting isn’t doing, Elisa,” he said squeezing past me and grabbing some steaks Nick had bought earlier that week.
I got out of his way and watched him cook up a decent meal including salad and french fries.
“I used to live alone,” he was saying as he served our plates. “Well, that is until Brian moved in, and then Howie moved in.  But before that I was on my own since I was nineteen, and I wasn’t about to starve or waste money I didn’t have on takeout.  So I learned how to cook.”
“I’ve been living alone for awhile. Actually, since Laura moved out last year, it’s been just me.”
“And what do you eat?” he asked then chuckled. “Oh hang on a second, you don’t eat. You were that girl I found half-starved getting depressed over Nick. Right?”
I laughed. “I eat.  I just don’t eat very well when I’m unhappy. And when Nick wasn’t around, I was beyond unhappy.”
“And before Nick? Your sister cooked?”
I nodded. “You got it. Laura could make anything, so we never lacked any food.  Like I said, I can do breakfast okay. Nick and I eat pancakes or French toast. There’s plenty of cereal.”
He laughed. “Yeah cereal and milk. That’s easy.  Here.” He put the plate in front of me.
“Thanks. It smells great.”
He smiled and dug in happily while we continued to talk. Kevin and I had talked about a lot of things in the past, and they all revolved around Nick.  For the first time, we were able to talk about ourselves and learned that we had a lot in common.
“I lost my mom to cancer,” I was said when he asked about my parents. “My dad didn’t stick around much longer after that. I guess he missed her.”  I shrugged.  “We were all already adults, and they had always loved each other very much.  Besides, I wouldn’t have wanted them to stick around and see what a mess I made out of my life.”
He wrinkled his brow at me. “It’s not a mess. You’re doing great.  You don’t even wish they were around to see you in your classroom? With Nick?”
“Of course, but it took so much for me to get there that I’m glad they never really saw. I was pretty lost for awhile.  More so than I was when you found me.”
“Life’s hard.  I lost my dad to cancer too, but I wish every, single day he was around to see me. To see everything, Kristin, the guys, everything.  I mean, I know he sees it from where he is, but I wish things were different, you know?  I wish he was here, so my kids would have a grandfather and stuff like that.”
“I never gave all that much thought,” I told him. “I accepted that my parents had died and moved on. I was in such a messed up place in my life, that it was all that I could do.”
He gave me a quick look before popping more food into his mouth. “Messed up how?  Wrong guys?  Drugs?”
“Drugs? Oh no,” I said.  “Never.  Wrong guys? All of them. I must have met every, single wrong guy back home and gone out with him.  I was pathetic.  Always going from one guy to the next and expecting them to be different when it was me who had to be different all along. I was the one making all the mistakes. They were just being guys.”
“Being guys,” he repeated with a chuckle. “You say it like we’re all the same.”
“There was a time when I would have said that you are. But it wasn’t that you’re the same as much as I was looking for the same thing in all of them. I was looking for someone who accepted my pathetic self. Who else but a loser would accept someone who was pathetic?  I realized I was the one who had to change to find someone better.  I had to become better.”
“And here comes Nicky,” he laughed.
I shook my head. “It wasn’t that simple.  I mean, I think when I met him I was more angry than anything else.  He and I talked about a lot of things, and I opened up my angry self only because I never thought I’d see him again. I never thought he’d come back.”
He just smiled at that and finished what was on his plate.  “Well, you already know all about Kristin and me. But I have to admit that before that, I was a lot like those losers you describe. It’s easy to find vulnerable girls when you’re angry.  And for a time there, I was really angry too.  I hated that I couldn’t find someone who lived with my schedule so I just put up with whoever was  willing to be there for the time being.  That’s all that concerned me.  One night and then the other.“
“Sounds like my old boyfriends,“ I smiled.
“There was time when you and me would have been quite a pair.” He laughed.
“Kevy Kev.”
We both looked up to find AJ and Nick at the kitchen door and only God knew how long they had been standing there.
“Boys,” Kevin smiled up at them.  “How are you?”
“Good, man,” AJ said reaching him first and giving him half a hug.  “I just got here myself. Me and Nicky have been working on some stuff.”
“You guys have been working?” Kevin feigned a shocked tone.  “Really?”
“Yes Train, we’ve been working,” Nick said eyeing my plate.
“Are you hungry?” I asked.
He laughed and kissed me. “No. I’m just wondering what you guys ate. Bone and me ate in town.”
Kevin actually stood up to hug him. “Hey Nicky. How are you?”
“I’m good, man,” he said. “Glad you finally got out here. Me and Bone need some help with some stuff.”
“What stuff?” Kevin asked finally letting go of him and giving him a confused look. “Music stuff?”
“Secret stuff,” AJ said taking my plate as soon as I offered it to him.
“Stuff,” Nick said. “Just stuff.”
Kevin shook his head at all of them.  “Hm, okay.  You’re going to have to let me in on the stuff.”
“You been here awhile?” Nick asked.
He looked behind him at the darkened ocean, and I think we both realized how late it was. He told me had started driving around two that morning, and we had been so busy talking that he hadn’t taken any time to rest.
“Yeah awhile,” he said. “Elisa and me were just talking.”
“So? What are we doing tonight?” AJ asked big, broad smile already insinuating what he wanted.
“I’m sleeping. If that’s okay with you, Frack,” Kevin said. “I pretty much drove straight over here.”
“I’m dancing,” AJ said. “If that’s okay, or not, with any of you.”  He smiled at me.  “Wanna dance?”
Nick laughed, and Kevin grabbed handful of AJ’s shirt.  “What do you mean dance?  Where’s your other half? Where’s that part of you that keeps you sane?”
“Victoria?”
I heard Nick suck in air.
“Yes Victoria. What happened? You two off again?”
“Well Kevin,” AJ sighed. “Pretty much when you find your girl going down on some other guy on your couch, you know you’re off again.”
I winced, and Nick pulled out the chair next to me and sat down.
“Sorry to hear that, bud,” Kevin said seriously now and let him go. “You okay?  Everything all right?”
He shrugged. “Eh, I’m used to it. What can I do? That’s why I decided to come out here with these two. It’s better than sulking alone.”
Kevin looked momentarily at the floor. “Tell me about it.”
AJ shrugged it off again. “Win some. Lose some. So? So what? We dancing tonight, or what?”
I just looked to Nick for answer who leaned his head on my shoulder. “I’ll do whatever Elisa says.”
“What’s that?” AJ asked leaning down to me. “What’d you say, ‘Lisa, girl? That you wanna dance with the three of us naked?”
Nick started laughing.
“AJ,” Kevin warned.
I just shook my head. “If you guys want to, we’ll go.  Just let Kevin at least catch a nap, it’s early.”
“Yeah man,” Kevin said giving AJ’s head a rough pat. “Let me get some sleep, and we’ll go.”
“Take any room you want,” Nick told him sitting up. “Need help with your stuff?”
“Naw, I think I can handle my one bag. See you guys in a bit.”
“Okay,” Nick called.
“Hey, let’s crank up the stereo,” AJ said so loudly that Kevin stopped walking and gave him a look.   “Kidding.  Just kidding.”
And it was the first time that we did go out, and everyone drank moderately, everybody danced, and everybody had a good time.  And we actually started out those first few weeks doing that a lot. After awhile, Nick and I stayed home while they went out. I only had four weeks of summer left before I went back to school.  We didn’t want to feel like we hadn’t spent as much time as possible together.
And the guys took off on their a lot, or worked on “stuff.” Stuff was really anything. For AJ it was Johnny No Name. For Kevin, it was the songs and notes he’d brought with him.  For Nick, it was usually sleeping.  I was the only one who didn’t usually have stuff to do, and on a more and more occasion, I had to find something to do on my own.
“Guess what?” Kevin said walking in the backdoor with a rare grin on his face.
“I don’t know. What?”
“My wife has and end date to that stupid, God-forsaken movie.”
I smiled up from my big glass of ice water.  “Really?  She didn’t before?”
“She had twenty of them,” he said and sat next to me on one of the kitchen stools.
I was going through cookbooks and internet recipes because the guys all knew how to cook something, and they made me look really bad.
“But now it’s just one,” he said. “And it’s in like two weeks.”
I smiled. “Cool. Want some water?”
He shook his head. “No thanks. Nick sleeping?”
“Out with AJ,” I said.  “I think they’re actually on one of the boats.”
“You didn’t want to go with them?”
“I’m a desert girl,” I told him. “I have never gotten used to being on those boats.”
“It’s not too bad,” he said.  “Just give it a chance.”
“I’ve given lots of stuff chances these last few months, Kevin. I think I’ll skip the boat.”
“That’s right,” he laughed. “So much has changed since March.  Hard to believe we finished the tour, and we’re about a month away from starting work again.” He shook his head. “Nick always says we work ourselves harder than Lou ever did.”
“That big guy?” I asked.
“You’re nice. Tub of lard is more like it.  I hate that guy,” he said. “Let’s talk about something else. I’m in too much of a good mood.”
I could tell. I had actually gotten used to brooding, serious Kevin.
“Are you gonna wait around until she’s done or go out there with her?” I asked.
He looked up at the pale ceiling. “Probably go. When are you Nicky going back to your place?”
“Soon. I have to start school next month, and I like to be there early. There’s always so much to do.”
He pressed a smile at me. “I remember.”
I knew what that meant, but I played dumb.  He and Nick had helped me set up my first classroom, and it was not a pleasant experience.
I pushed my hair off my shoulder and nodded. “And I was actually thinking about starting on my masters.  But I haven’t mentioned anything to Nick.”
“Really? Why?”
“Um, well, getting the masters will give me one more thing to do that will take time away from him.  I know that he’s--.”
“Girl, he’d never hold you back,” Kevin said.  “No.  Hell no.”
“Yeah, but it’s bad enough we’re barely finding our way back to each other.  I don’t want to commit myself to stuff that’s going to have him angry at me.  Or have me missing him.”
He shook his head. “Yeah, but I know he understands that you need to continue to better yourself, your life. He’s not expecting you to put your own success on hold because it doesn’t fit into his schedule.  It’s not like...,” he stopped and then gave me look. “Would you listen to me? I’m trying to give you advice that I don’t take.”
I smiled.  “But you do take it. I mean, you’re supporting her, right? You guys talk every night and--.”
“I should be there,” he said.  “I know I should. She probably goes home all alone to some hotel.  And here I am getting fat with Nick.”
“Hey,” I protested softly.
He laughed. “All right. Okay.  But we all know he gets doughy on the break.  Everyone does, but AJ.”
I shook my head at him this time. “He’s perfect, Kevin. I wouldn’t change a thing on him. Not one.”
He rolled his eyes.  “No one’s perfect, Elisa.  Not even Nick Carter. I mean, he’s a good guy. I love him.  But you have to remember that he’s still young, and no matter how mature he’s become, he has a lot to learn.”
That was odd.
That had been exactly what he had said when we set up my classroom way back when.
“He’s different now,” I said assuming we had both gone back to the same memory. “I can’t really explain it to you, but he doesn’t feel the same. The first time we were together, he was so vulnerable, so easy to break.  Now, he’s strong.  He’s always busy worrying about everyone else and doesn’t really let on that something’s actually going on inside.”
Kevin chuckled.  “I know. I’ve noticed that too.  He used to be easy to read.  Everything was on the surface.”
“Everyone grows up,” I said with a shrug.
“As long as he doesn’t get hard inside,” he said and leaned forward on his elbow.  “That’s what concerns me.  I know this business can make you hard. I wasn’t always so...,” he seemed to think of a good way to describe himself.
“Suspicious?” I asked with a smile because that described me too.
“Oh no. I’ve always been suspicious.” He laughed. “What I’m talking about is when it’s not enough to be suspicious.  Even when you believe in people, there’s still a small shadow of a doubt.”
I looked at him.  I had lived in that place for so long that I thought I’d never be able to get out.  “That’s the one thing he’s asked me not to do, Kevin, to doubt. And I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope without a net.  I can do it, if I don’t look down.”
“Wow,” he said softly.  “That takes a lot.  I used to be good at that, and now I’m too busy looking down. Everyday I lose the ability to trust blindly.”
“I was never good at it, so I’m learning.” I shrugged.
He gave me this funny look and straightened up.  “Elisa, are you losing yourself in him?  Are you in that place where everything else comes first, and you come last?”
I was caught off guard, so I half-laughed. “Um, well--.”
He laughed. “You are, aren’t you?  I remember being there,” he said with a sigh. “I think that was when I decided to get married. It was when I thought there was nothing that could bring me happiness more than being with Kristin.”
“Isn’t that still true?”
He closed his eyes for a second then shrugged.  “I dunno. I just know it’s made me as miserable as it’s made me happy.  Part of me wishes I‘d held on to some of that distance.  That I‘d protected myself a little more.”
“Well, I don’t think I’ve ever gone this far before.  I mean, here I am far away from everything I know, and I’m definitely considering putting off graduate school because of him. I think I’m pretty far gone.”
He raised his eyes up at me. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”
“Hey.”
We both looked back at the door to find Nick.  He was standing there, skin freshly browned from his time in the sun, but there was a different look on his face.  One I had never seen.
“Am I interrupting?” he asked.
“Course not, Frack,” Kevin said.  “We’re just talking.  You guys go fishing?”
“No. AJ just wanted to get some air. I think he’s already itching to call Victoria.”
Kevin sat up. “What’d he say?”
Nick slowly made his way inside and slid into the stool next to me.  “Not much. It’s just the way he’s acting.  He doesn’t want to be anywhere.  He doesn’t want to be here, or in Orlando, at home or on a boat, or in a club.  He’s just restless.  You can tell he’s starting to think about it.”  I felt his fingers in my hair.
Kevin sighed. “I’m gonna take him out.  We’ve been here way too long already.”
“Kevin, it’s fine,” I said.
“You guys can stay as long as you want.  But we’re going back soon, right?” He slipped my hair off my shoulder, and I felt his scruffy chin take its place.
“Back to El Paso? Sure. If you want.”
“I think we should,” he said softly.
“Okay,” I said.
I saw Kevin watch us for a second then climb off his stool.  “I’m gonna go talk to Bone.”
“You okay?” I asked at Nick’s strange quiet mood.
“Yeah,” he sighed and blew softly into my hair. “I just want us to be really alone.  Much as I love the guys, I’m ready for it just be us.”
“Okay,” I said again trying not to even think of why he was suddenly so anxious to get away from Kevin and AJ.
 
 

I didn’t suspect a thing.  That year we were together, my birthday slipped right by Nick, and we never celebrated it. This year, he said we were going to do something special.
“Guess what I got,” he said walking in that hot, August the first.
“Pretty eyes,” I said.
He laughed. “No.  Guess again.”
“The best lips in the world.”
“Hm,” he said and touched his lower lip. “No! C’mon! Be serious. Guess what I got.”
“I don’t have a clue, honey. What’d you get?”
He made a face at me. “You’re not even trying. Okay. I’ll give you a hint. I got you something. It’s for tonight.”
“Tonight? For my quiet birthday celebration?” I asked innocently.  “The one where we’re just going out to dinner, then we’re going to come back here?”
He smiled, and I knew that’s not at all what we were going to do.
“Yup. That birthday celebration.”
“Nick, we already agreed not to make a big deal. I’m getting too old to have a big birthday party. It’s just supposed to be us, and--.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he nodded. “And it’s going to exactly what you want. I just got you something in advance.”
I eyed him. “What?”
“Something to wear.”
That made me sit up.
“Hang on, Elisa. Wait.  I know you think I have this terrible taste in girl’s clothes.  But I swear you’re not going to be disappointed this time. You’re not. The girl at the mall helped me, and--.”
“The girl helped you?”
He nodded, raced back to the front porch and came back with about three large shopping bags.
“Yeah. She was really nice. She even knew who I was and everything, and ...,” he came up with a small, pink bag. “Oops, that’s for later.”
I cracked up watching him stuff that one in another bag. “That’s what I’m wearing,” he said. “This one’s for you.”  He pushed the bag closer to me.
I was afraid to look.
“C’mon. Look.  I bet you’ll like it. I know you will.” He smiled, and I couldn’t resist.
I joined him on the floor. “You didn’t have to do this, you know. I have plenty of things to wear.”
He nodded. “I know. But I wanted to show that since the last time we were together, I have learned how to pick clothes. Really. Look.”
I pulled out a chiffon, knee-length halter dress.  It was black with a little, red flowers and a very pretty print border at the bottom. There was nothing more perfect.
“Well?” he asked smiling.  “The girl at the mall said she’d wear long, black boots with it, but I don’t know if that’s really you, and--.”
I was on his lips before he could say anything else. He kissed me back but ended up laughing in the middle.
“It’s beautiful,” I told him.
“Well, it will be when you put it on,” he said. “Right now, it’s just a dress.”
I kissed him again because suddenly, I just couldn’t stop.
“How did I end up with you, huh? What’d I do? I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t...,” I stopped. “You know what? Forget not believing. I’m just glad. I’m just glad you’re you.”
He hugged me hard. “Happy birthday, Elisa.  I’m glad you’re you too.”
I held on to him. “I think you have wonderful taste in clothes.  It’s the most beautiful dress I have ever seen. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he kissed my cheek and sat back. “You sure you just want to go to dinner tonight? I can’t convince you to go dancing?”
I shook my head. “I want us to celebrate my birthday. I don’t want a whole bunch of strangers around. It’s bad enough you’ll be gone in a couple of weeks. I’m not going to share you with anybody else.”
He smiled. “Okay. Okay, good enough.”
I spotted his bag behind him and reached for it. “So what else did you get?”
“No wait!” he pulled me back just as I reached the little pink bag.
“Victoria’s--?”
“Elisa!” he protested pulling it out of my hand. “That’s for later.”
“Oh. You’re wearing that later?”
He laughed really hard. “Who do I look like? AJ? I am not wearing that.” He smiled and put the bag behind his back. “It’s just for later. Okay?”
I shook my head. “Okay.”
“What?” he said trying not to laugh. “Stop giving me the eye. It’s nothing bad.  What are we doing until dinner?”
I picked up my dress and stepped over him. “Laura’s taking me out to lunch.  You’re going to be on your own, okay?”
“Okay,” he shrugged. “That’s cool. I’ll just take a nap.”
“Make sure you eat,” I said. “If we drink anything tonight, I don’t want you getting wasted on one drink.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
I made one more quick grab for the pink bag, but he took me down and dunked me into a long kissing session instead. I was late to lunch with my sister.
That was okay, he didn’t have to show me the contents of the pink bag. I had a surprise for him later too.
 
 

We ended up at the OP.
For my kicking, screaming and bitching, we ended up going dancing right after dinner.
Actually, I didn’t kick, scream and bitch much. I was much too happy to deny him anything.
“Wanna go dancing?” he had asked.
“Of course,” I had said.
So he drove through the full parking lot, past all the weirdoes that hung outside the gay bar and found a space way, faraway from the door.
“Are you having a good birthday?” he asked as we made our way through the dark street.
I squeezed his hand in mine. “Of course. I’m with you, right? What else could you want?”
“Did you drink a lot at the restaurant?” he asked.
“Some. Why? Do I sound drunk?”
“No.” He chuckled. “It was just much too easy to get you here. I thought I was going to have to drag you.”
“Hey, at this point I don’t care. As long as I’m with you, I don’t care where we are.”
He turned to me, with a knowing smirk on his face. “Even if we’re in Tampa? Even if you leave this place and come with me.”
That’s what had been going through my head since we returned earlier that summer, and I thought I had made a decision, but I planned to share it with him later.  That was going to be his surprise.
“I don’t know,” I began. “Just wait and see if--.” Everything went black as a hand was placed carefully over my eyes. “Hey!”
“It’s okay,” Nick said next to me still. “I’m here. It’s okay. Just hang on.”
“What are you doing?” I tried to get away, but held me in place.
“Don’t fight me on this one, ‘Lisa. It’s just part of your birthday. Just shut your eyes and come along.”
“Nick!”
“C’mon! Don’t you trust me? I thought you trusted me.”
I bit my lip and stopped fighting.  I knew we made it across the street and to the door of the club where we didn’t even go through the front door. Nick helped me get up the few steps through a side entrance, and suddenly we were engulfed by music.
“Nick!” I protested as loudly as I could.
“Just wait,” he said. “Please? Please?”
I waited. I waited for him to lead me through the packed night club. People laughed as we squeezed through, and we must have been quite a sight.
Suddenly, we went through a door where the music could still be heard through the walls.  There were a few voices, and more voices laughed when they saw us.
I stepped closer to Nick because I had no Earthly idea where I was.
Then I heard a toilet flush.
Instantly, the smell of alcohol, cigarettes, sex and vomit rushed out to meet me.
And I knew where we were.
“Nick? The women’s bathroom?” I cried in shock.
He was laughing as he slowly let go of my eyes and let me adjust to the brighter lights.  Girls stepped past us confused, as it all came back to me.  This was where I met him. He was beyond-belief wasted. Carmen, the bathroom lady, had him propped on the sink, so he wouldn’t fall down.
I turned to him, and he grinned. “Surprise.”
“Honey, I love you,” I said jumping up to kiss him again and again. “I can’t believe you. I can’t believe you...” I stopped as I recognized the very sink where I met him, and it was full of long-stemmed roses.  There were balloons, and some presents. Carmen smiled at me and got out of the way.
“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, Elisa.  Happy birthday to you.”
Josie, AJ and Kevin stepped out from around her with my cake.  I couldn’t stop laughing.
“Look, she’s smiling,” Kevin said surprised. “Frack, only your girlfriend would want to have her birthday in a bathroom.”
AJ laughed, and Josie approached me first.
“Happy birthday,” she said giving me a hug.  “I don’t know what this is all about, but you know I love you and wish you the best.”
“Thanks,” I said hugging her back.
“Happy birthday, Elisa girl,” AJ came next, put a shot glass in my hand and hugged me. “I hope this birthday is much better than it looks and smells.”
Kevin gave me one of those all-encompassing Kevin hugs. “Happy birthday,” was all he said.
By that time, Carmen had lit my candles for me.
“Make a wish,” she said and held it in front of me.
I turned back to Nick and realized that it had already come true, so I just wished that it would go on forever. I blew out my candles while they applauded like I had just turned five.
“Thank you,” I hugged Carmen. “Thank you for helping him do this. I know you must have--.”
She shook her head. “This was all his doing, mi’ja.  He just came here and asked me if he could.” She smiled up at him then down at me. “I’m glad to see you. And I’m glad to see you so happy again.”
“Thanks,” I said and pulled Nick closer to me. “This is why. He’s why I’m so happy.” I kissed him, and he hugged me then kissed my hair.
“Happy birthday,” he said. “I know it’s silly to do this here, but I knew you’d get it.”
“I get it,” I said. “I met you right there.  And you had no clue how you had gotten in here.”
He and slipped his arms around my waist. “Yup. All I know is that you found me.  You found me, and I’m never, ever going to let you go. Not ever, okay?”
I nodded. “Okay. And I guess this is just a good a time as any to tell you.”
He gave me this little look. “What?”
“Um, I’ll be more than happy to move to Tampa with you.  Really.  Whenever you want.”
An eternity seemed to go by when he didn’t believe what I had just said.
“What? What? Really?”
I nodded. “Really, Nick. I love very much, and I never, ever want to be without you again.”
He hugged me so hard I thought the air would never return to my lungs, and he lifted me off the ground so much, my shot was gone.
Josie and the guys were laughing and ducking the girls trying to get by us and use the mirrors.
“I love you,” Nick said and put me down.
I smiled.  “Well, you’d better because I love you way too much already.”
“Okay guys. Can we go?” I heard AJ ask. “It’s getting stuffy in here, and we’re just in the way.”
“Yeah... go,” Nick told him. “We’ll be right there.”
Actually, we kissed for awhile longer before we were able to stop.
“I’ve got your stuff,” Carmen said already putting my presents away. “Leave whatever you want here, and come get it before you go.  Have a good time.”
“Thanks,” Nick told her and gave her a quick hug.
“Thanks,” I called as we hurried back outside.
They had a table by the packed dance floor.  Josie looked really happy flanked by Kevin and AJ.
“Aren’t you married?” she was asking him when we walked up.
“Yeah. I’m happily married,” he said. “My wife is wrapping up a movie as we speak.”
“Darn,” she said and smiled at AJ who just shook his head.
“No. No women,” AJ said making a cross with his fingers in front of her.
She rolled her eyes.
“Hey birthday girl,” Kevin greeted. “What’ll we be toasting with?”
“Tequila,” AJ said.
“I don’t know-,” I began.
“Tequila.”
“I don’t think we--,” Nick tried.
“Tequila.”
“Shut up and get the shots,” Josie said. “C’mon married boy, come with me. You’ll need help getting all the little glasses back here.”
Kevin made a face and followed her. I guess he had no choice.
“Your friend is something else.  I had forgotten,” AJ said surveying the crowd. “Really.”
“I know. I’m sorry. Thanks for coming for my birthday, AJ,” I said.  “I’m really glad you did.  How are you?”
He shrugged. “I’m good.  I was back with Kev in Orlando, and we were just bumming around.”
“How is he?”
He shrugged again. “Good, I think. He and Kris talk all the time, and she actually wanted to come tonight. But they had to re-shoot some scenes with her.”
“He’s good,” Nick assured me. “We talk all the time, and I know he’s doing a lot better. He told me something about how love wasn’t selfish, so he was going to be there for Kristin. It sounded kind of familiar if you ask me.”
I laughed. That was my speech.
Nick pulled me closer to him.  “Thank you.”
“For what?” I asked.
“For deciding to come back with me. I know that it will be hard for you to leave home. Thank you. Thank you for doing it.  Thank you for loving me that much.”
After all the emotions of the evening, those words brought tears to my eyes. Maybe it was being in that old place and realizing how far we had come.
“Don’t thank me.  I’m more than glad to be with you. How could anyone not love you?”
He smiled.
We happily drank and danced the night away.  Josie somehow got Kevin to dance with her, while AJ was quick to pick up girls anywhere he turned.
Nick didn’t follow my request of eating lunch, so all he had in his stomach was the dinner we had earlier.  The alcohol was quick to reach his brain.  I guess alcohol is quick to reach the brain whenever anyone drinks three shots in a row and more beers than I could count.
“Slow down,” I told him knowing very well that I could drive home.
“It’s fine,” he smiled. “We’re dancing a lot, so it’s not really hitting me.”
I shook my head and took him away from the table and the waitress who was too happy to bring us drinks.
“I love you sooooooo much,” he was slurring not ten minutes later.  “I can’t believe you’re going to go back home with me.”
“I want to be with you as much as I can.  And there’s nothing here that I love more than you.”
He smiled, then he smiled bigger.  “I can’t believe you’d say that.  I mean, there was a time when this place was everything to you.  It was your whole life.”
I shrugged.  “But being with you is all I want.  As long as I keep working and find a way to keep in touch with Laura, everything will be fine.”
“Aw, your sister.  She should move to Tampa too,” he said like it was the best idea he had ever had.  “I bet she’d like it.”
“Paul’s job is here,” I said, but I don’t think he really cared about that just then.
“Because it would be cool with me if they stayed with us for awhile. That way, you’d have someone to talk to when I’m not around.  That way, you wouldn’t have to sit around talking to Kevin all the time.”
“Kevin’s cool,” I said.  “I don’t mind talking to him any of the time.”
“I bet,” Nick said with a nod.
Initially, I tried not to let that hit me the way it sounded, but I couldn’t.
“Hey,” I pulled his arm.  “What does that mean?  What do you mean by that?”
“By what?” he asked and swayed just a bit.
“Honey, you’re pretty drunk.”
He kissed my cheek. “And you’re just pretty.”
I tugged at his arm before he moved away.  “Are you suspicious about me and Kevin?”
It had to be absolutely the worst time to ask that question.
“No!” he said immediately.  “’Course not!  Why would I be?”
“I don’t know, honey. It’s just that you said--.”
“Bathroom,” he said pulling away from me. “I’ll be right back.”
I followed him to the men’s room because I was afraid he wouldn’t find his way back.
My stomach had these funny butterflies in them that I had never felt. Maybe it had been verbalizing my plan to Nick. Actually telling him that I was going to Tampa was much different from thinking it. I knew he’d be happy, and I knew I was happy.  I just didn’t know how hard it was going to be for me to leave.
Maybe it was the strange doubts he seemed to be toying with.  I was the one who was usually afraid and worrying about things that didn’t exist.
“Happy birthday.”
I looked up startled to find Daniel in front of me.
“Thanks,” I said and took a step away from him. Any alcohol I had in my system disappeared because I feared him.  I hadn’t forgotten what he had done and what he had told me.
“I didn’t forget it was your birthday,” he said. “How are you?”
“I’m good. I’m with--.”
“I know. Some tall blond guy.  I’ve seen you guys together around town.  How long have you been with him?”
“Since I broke up with you, Daniel. Listen, excuse me. I have to go.”  I took one step around him, but he blocked me.  “Daniel, don’t. Nick will be right out.”
“Ellie. Elisa, I’m sorry,” he said and stepped in closer to me.  “You don’t know how I kick myself everyday for acting like such an ass that day. You didn’t deserve what I said to--.”
“Of course I didn’t,” I said. “You had no right to speak to me that way.  But that’s the past, and I don’t live in the past anymore.”
He looked at me, then up at the ceiling. “I just wish I hadn’t let everything go to hell with you.  I know I’ve let you down so many times, that I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I want you to know that I’m sorry.”
I nodded and gave him a look. “Now, just let me go, okay? It’s just better if... ,” I stopped because he stepped even closer to me, and my heart took a hard bang against my chest. “Daniel, don’t!”
He peeled his eyes at me.  “I just want to talk. We used to be friends.  Please? Please don’t tell me that you hate me now.”
Hate wasn’t really the word for I was feeling. It was more like a slow boiling dread.
“Daniel, it’s over. It’s done.  You made a choice when you talked to me like that.  You decided to--.”
I saw his hand come up as if to touch my hair of my face, and I actually shrunk back against the wall.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly.  “Elisa, I never meant--.”
“Daniel! Daniel, just stop!” I heard myself cry. It was like I was just reacting and not even thinking.
“But I--.”
He disappeared from in front of me, and I saw Kevin shove him hard into a wall.
“... the fuck you’re doing?!” I heard Kevin holler. “Huh?”
Daniel blinked at him. “Just talking. We were just talking, man. Listen, we were. Ask her.”
“I’m not asking her. I’m asking you.”
Kevin turned to look at me, and all I could do was stare at him.  He had fistfuls of Daniel’s shirt in his hands.
“Are you okay?” he shouted over the loud music at me.
I started trying to locate my voice, but it was nowhere.
“Elisa? Are you all right?”
Daniel fought under Kevin’s strong hold, and that’s when I reacted.
“Kevin, no.  No, it’s fine.” I shook my head to try to seem convincing, but I was scared out of my mind. “Just let him go. It’s not worth--.”
“I’m not going to let him go. This is the asshole,” Kevin said. “This is the asshole who bruised you. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that. You asshole,” he said loudly into Daniel’s face.  “Who the hell told you that it was ever okay to touch a girl?”
Daniel shrank into the wall.
“Huh?” Kevin hollered.
“Kevin,” I tugged at his arm.  “Kevin, don’t.”
And just as Kevin turned to look at me, Daniel decked him.  I know I screamed and the whole thing was out of control in seconds.
Kevin touched his cheek then actually smiled before he started to throw punches, and it was almost like he enjoyed it.  It was amazing that I could hear them cussing at each other over the loud music and the people surrounding them. I had to push against the crowd to follow them, but I kept getting swallowed back.  At one point,  I caught a glimpse of Kevin sitting on Daniel, dumping punch after punch on him while Daniel struggled to get out.
“Kevin! Kevin!” I yelled just as I was shoved back by some guys trying to watch the fight.
I made it through again to see the burly guard strain to get Kevin off him and push him over beer bottles and past the curious crowd.
“... out,” I heard the security guard saying as he steered Kevin toward the door. “And you’re fucking lucky I’m not calling the police.”
Kevin wrested his arm out of the man’s hold. “I can get out,” he said and made eye contact with me.  “Tell the guys.”
“No, Kevin I--.”
“Tell the guys,” he said as a side door opened, and we both found ourselves outside.  “Shit,” he spat. “Shit.”
“You’re bleeding,” I told him.
“I know,” he said wiping it off his nose with the back of his hand. “What are you doing out here? I told you to stay in there and get the guys.”
“I know. I just followed you because ... because.” Because I was a stupid, idiot girl. “I’m sorry.”
He nodded.  “It’s okay. Just get back inside and get the guys.”
I shook my head. “I’m not leaving you out here.  You’re bleeding, and I know what will happen if they throw Daniel out here with you. I’m not about to let you guys keep pounding on each other. He was just talking to me.”
“Elisa, he’s a jerk. He deserved a beating long ago, and you know that. He’s just lucky Nick wasn’t out there with me to really let him have it.”
I started shaking.  Seeing them go at it like that had scared me, and there was no way I could hide it.
His right eye twitched as he struggled to keep it open.
“Son of a bitch sucker-punched me.” He chuckled.  “I think I busted his lip.  I hadn’t gotten in a fight in a long time.” He laughed and looked up at me. “What? What’s wrong?”
I shook my head because my words were caught in my throat.
“Hey,” he said gently and wiped more blood off his nose.  “It’s okay. Nothing happened.  That guy deserved that beating, and he finally got it.”
I nodded and shivered though it wasn’t even cold.
“Elisa?” he said and came closer.  “You have to go get the guys.  We can’t get stuck out here all night, okay? Go get Nick.”
I know I just nodded again, and he laughed softly.
“Girl, it’s okay. I’m okay. He didn’t do a thing.  Stop looking at me like that, and go get Nick.”
Nick.
The repetition of his name finally moved me.
“Yeah, okay,” I managed to say and started toward the front entrance of the club.
I heard Kevin sigh, and something stopped me. All my life I had to stand up for myself, and I didn’t always do such a good job of it.  It felt really good to have someone do it for me.
“What?” he asked as soon as I turned back to him. “What’s wrong?”
I hurried back to him and grabbed him into a hug. “Thank you.”
It took him a bit, but returned.
“It’s okay,” he said with a small laugh.  “You’re welcome.  You’re a good girl, and I’d never let anyone hurt you.”
“Shit.”
We both turned to find Nick on the street corner hurrying away from us with AJ right behind him.
“Oh my God! Are you okay?” Josie asked as she reached us and caught sight of the blood all over Kevin’s shirt.
“Yeah. We’re fine. Where is he going. Nick?” I started after him.
“Crap,” Kevin muttered and passed me up. “Frack?”
“Josie, what happened?” I asked as we hurried after the guys.
“I’m not sure,” she said. “Nick was looking all over the place for you guys.  AJ and me saw the fight, but we didn’t know it was Kevin.  We had just been following Nicky around who was all worried because you were with Kevin.”
“He was worried because I was with Kevin?” I repeated.
“Um, yeah.”
Kevin and AJ caught up with him at my car. Nick was standing there staring hard at the ground.  His face was flushed red, and his hands were balled into fists.
“... just listen to me?” I heard Kevin saying.  “I don’t know what’s going through your mind, but you’re wrong.  You’re fucking wrong, Nick.”
He didn’t even look up.  If anything, he found a better spot on the ground to stare at.
“Nick? Now, I know you’re not thinking stupid, right? You’re not thinking that--.”
“I don’t have to think. I know,” he said lowly.
“What? What do you know?” Kevin asked.
“Kev, stop,” AJ said. “He’s so wasted, and--.”
“Shut the hell up because I am not wasted!” Nick yelled at AJ.  He half-glanced as Kevin like he couldn’t even stand to look at him. Then he went back to looking at the ground.
“Hey,” Kevin began in that soft tone he had used on me.  “Nick, what the hell is going on?  Why are you like this, huh?  Huh?”  He reached out to take Nick’s shoulder but got shoved away.
“Get your hands off me!” Nick yelled and finally looked at him.  “Who the fuck do you think you are? You think you can be out here with my screwed up girlfriend and be like nothing?!”
“Nick, we--.”
“I know all about ‘we!’” Nick shouted.
Kevin looked shocked.  “What? What do you know? Or what do you think you know, little man?”
Nick glared at him hard then looked around for me.  I stayed back with Josie because I was too afraid of what he was about to say.  He looked at me, half-laughed and shook his head.
“I’m not blind,” he said in a strangely calm tone. “You guys are always together.  Always somewhere talking.  You’re always around her. You finally gave in and let someone help you.  I just don’t understand why it had to be my fucking girlfriend.”
Kevin closed his eyes.
“Nick,” I finally spoke up but had not idea what say. “Nick, you’re--.”
“No!” he yelled.  “Don’t even talk to me because you have nothing to say!  All this time, I’ve just ignored it. I’ve let it go.  I’ve been trying to be blind, but I’m not.” He looked at Kevin.  “I’m not blind.  You’re too depressed to spend time with your wife, go spend time with Elisa.  She seems to be able to tell you what you want to hear.”
“Nick, it’s not like that,” I said stepping forward.  “You don’t get it. Honey, he--.”
He looked down at me, and the anger in his eyes turned to hurt. I wished right then the Earth would have swallowed me up.
“What?” he asked softly now and shook his head. “I saw you guys. I’ve seen  you guys since we were in Tampa.  Hell, since we were on tour.  You guys wanna be together? Go ahead.  Don’t let me fucking stop you.”
“I can’t believe you--,” Kevin began.
“Shut up!” Nick yelled. “I’m tired of hearing your voice, your reasoning! It’s always to make me feel stupid. ‘Baby this’ and ‘baby that.’  And it always just means that I’m stupid.  I’m tired of you trying to make me feel stupid!”
Kevin’s usual security seemed to vanish with those words.
He turned on his heel and walked away.
Nick’s angered gaze found me again. “Aren’t you going? Aren’t you going after him?  Go make sure he’s okay.  Go talk to him and make him feel better. Do whatever the hell you guys have been doing whenever I turn my back.”
“We haven’t been doing anything but being friends.  He was just standing up for me because Daniel was there.  I can’t believe you’d suspect something like that, Nick. I can’t believe you don’t trust me.  After everything we’ve been through, you’re the one with the doubts.”
“You made me doubt!” he yelled.  “You and all your worrying about Kevin!”
Kevin was already out of sight.
“Nick--,” I began with that strange, cold feeling washing over me.
“I’m done listening. Go home!” He held my car keys out to me and set his mouth in a straight line.”
“But honey--.”
“No!” he pushed the keys on me.  “Go home. Go home already.”
Josie took the keys from him, but I still couldn’t move.  I looked for his eyes that wouldn’t turn to me, and I was afraid that they never would again.
“Elisa, let’s go,” Josie called.
“Guys, go on,” AJ said softly.  “I’ll get the guys back, no prob.”
I looked at him, and he tried to smile.
“It’s okay.  You guys can talk tomorrow and straighten all this out.  Just go.”
Nick was already walking off on AJ, so he had to follow.  It ripped the inside of my stomach, my chest, my whole heart to watch Nick walk away.
Josie tugged on me again, and this time I followed and got in my car.
“He’s a jerk!” Josie was saying the minute we hit the road. “I can’t believe he’d get all jealous and huffy over nothing. You guys weren’t doing anything.” She glanced over at me. “Where you?”
I was watching the dark streets pass me up wondering when it had all gone to hell. It was my birthday, and things had been perfect, at least for a little while.  That was the story of my life.  The good times only lasted long enough to make me believe they were true. Then they disappeared.
“Where you?” she repeated.
“No. No, we weren’t. Are you crazy--?”
“Because he’s hot,” she said with a grin. “And Nicky over there isn’t so bad himself, but Kevy Kev is definitely some kind of man.  I mean, if I had a chance to choose between them, I’d go cross-eyed and have a heart attack or something. I mean, really who could--.”
“It wasn’t like that,” I said so softly that I don’t think she heard me.
“... forget the wife!”
I closed my eyes against her words and leaned on the window.  And though I fought hard to contain them, the tears came.   I would have much rather have cried alone because nothing anyone said or did could make things better.
“Ellie don’t.  He’s not worth it,” she said just like a good friend should.  “He’s a dumb guy, and he doesn’t have clue. Plus he was drunk, and you know that.  He’ll be back.”
I swallowed back and pushed my tears off my face, but they wouldn’t stop.  Once I started crying, I could never, ever stop.
“You know he loves you.  You know he’s moved heaven and Earth to be near you. This is just one of those guy things that--.”
“Josie, stop,” I told her through my tears. “Don’t say anything else because it doesn’t make sense. I don’t want to hear it. You just don’t know.”
She turned to me, and I could just imagine the shocked look on her face.
“I’m just trying to help,” she said.
“You’re not,” I told her just as this little sob escaped me.
“I’m sorry,” she muttered hitting the freeway.  “Just forget I said anything.”
And she was mercifully silent the rest of the way home.  We drove to her house, where she reluctantly let me go back on mine alone.
“Call me,” she had said.  “Call me when you get there. This is no time to be alone.”
But she was wrong. If she had gone with me, I still would have been alone. Even if Laura still lived it home, it would have been the same thing. He wasn’t there, and he wasn’t going to call at any time soon.
I made my way inside, still trying to make it all fit into my brain.  I knew somewhere along the lines, he had started making little cracks about me and Kevin.  He seemed to notice that we were close.  But I never took him seriously because I thought he knew. I thought he knew he was it, and that I would never look anywhere else.  I thought he understood that he was the one who filled my life with good things that I had never had before.  Things I used to think that I didn’t deserve.
Well, I guess I was right.
I sank into my couch because I didn’t have the guts to face my empty bedroom.  Here I was again.  I leaned back against the backrest and closed my eyes.  So many things went through my head.  Nick. Daniel. Kevin.  One revolved around the other, and only one thing was clear, Nick was gone.
“Shit,” I muttered and opened my eyes. Something caught my eye under the table lamp.  There was a scrap of paper sticking out from under it, so I yanked it out.
Out came this little pencil drawing of a tiny bunch of flowers.
Love, Nick, it read at the bottom, and that was it.  I was in an ocean of tears so deep that I couldn’t begin to find my way out.
 

The cell phone ringing pulled me out of a fitful sleep a couple of hours later.
“Hello?” I answered immediately.
“Good. You’re okay,” Kevin’s voice drawled. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry about everything that happened. I just had to call to tell that this is so beyond anything I can understand that all I can say is that I’m sorry.  I’m just...,” he sighed. “Shit.”
I sniffled and pushed my hair off my face.  “It’s um, okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. Where are you?”
“Airport. I’m going home.”
Though I was on the phone, I nodded.  “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.  I’m absolutely fine. I’ve been calling Nick’s cell, but he won’t answer. Have you talked to him.?”
“He was so mad, that I didn’t even try,” I said. “I just came straight here.”
“Was Bone with him?”
“Yeah,” I said.
He sighed again.  “Elisa.  Elisa, I’m so beyond sorry. I can’t believe I didn’t have the sense to see that his brain was working that way. I thought after all the crap I had put you through, he was happy that we got along. But I should have figured that something was wrong when you guys left Tampa before your birthday.”
I waited.  I was afraid to ask what he meant by that, but part of me really wanted to know.
“Why?” I managed to get out though my throat seemed tight and dry.
“We were planning your birthday in Tampa. That was the stuff that him and Jay were always off doing.  Actually, we were gonna have it in Orlando at Howie’s club. It was going to be a big deal, but one day, he just dropped it.” He sighed again. “I should have known. I should have known.”
He was full of lamentations and regrets.  I was too far gone to even start to blame anyone else but myself.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
Immediately, my eyes welled.   “Um yeah--.”
“No. No, you’re not.  Listen, want me to stay? I can..,” he stopped himself.  “Listen to me. Don’t I ever learn? I wish I could stay. I wish I could be there for you, but I think I’ve done enough damage. After what I did last time, I swore I would never get involved in his life for the worse. I swore to myself that I would only be a positive.  But here I am.  I’m sorry.  I know it’s nothing, but I don’t know what else to say.”
The tears streaked down my face as I listened to his sad words.  I pushed them back and looked down at myself to realize I was still wearing my dress. My perfect dress.
“It’s okay, Kevin,” I choked out. “I don’t think either one of us knew what was really going through his head.  He needs to come to terms with what he’s done.”
He was silent for what seemed like a long time.
“Shit,” he muttered. “I feel like crap. I can just imagine how you are.  Listen, you have to do something for me, okay?”
I didn’t answer because I couldn’t.  My throat was closed.
“Okay?” he asked again.
“Um-huh.”
“Take care of yourself.  Don’t sit there and let yourself be hurt for something you didn’t do. Try to talk to him, if you want to, but don’t let go of your life.  You have a million things coming in front of you, and you have to be ready for them.  Remember how we talked about keeping some distance?  This is the time for you to protect yourself.”
“But how?” I squeaked. “How can I even start to...?” and I couldn’t even say it. I could barely even think about how I was going to have to let Nick go.
“Because if he’s not ready, then you’re going to have to accept it. And it’s okay for you to lie on that couch for a couple of days to get through it, but you’re gonna have to get up.  On your own.”
I swallowed hard, and shook my head.  He was so right, but that didn’t make it an easier to do.
“Girl, I have go. They’re calling my flight. I’m gonna keep trying Nicky until we straighten everything out. It’s bad enough we gotta work together in a couple of weeks.  I don’t want this hanging over us. Okay?”
I sniffled. “Okay.”
“Listen, maybe he’ll realize how wrong he was, and this thing will all blow over.”
“Yeah,” I said not feeling very hopeful.  “Take care.”
“You too,” he said. “Promise me that you will.”
I had to suck in air to even begin to tell him that big a lie.  “I will. Bye.”
“Bye.”
Just as I clicked off the phone, I got the guts to do it. I dialed Nick’s number.  But the stupid thing rang and rang without an answer. He didn’t even have his voicemail on.
I rubbed my tired eyes and hung up.  There was nothing else that I could do.
And I guess I didn’t really lie to Kevin. I got up off the couch, and searched the house from top to bottom looking for my little drawings. They were meant to keep my company when he was on tour, I guessed they’d have to keep my company until he came to his senses.  If he ever did.
They were everywhere.  Under the bed, in the closet, under some candy dish that never had any candy.  I even found one stuck under the front door welcome mat.
Just as I retrieved that one, I realized the sun was rising.  Here it was a bright, red ball making it’s way over the faraway mountains then reaching for the sky.  There was a light breeze in the air that wouldn’t be felt again until that same sun set that evening.  I leaned on the front door and squinted against the oncoming brightness of the new day.
 

“He’s not doing so hot,” AJ said softly.
“Is he okay?”
“He’s sad, ‘Lisa.  I mean, he’s just down.  I’ve been telling him to talk to you, but he just won’t.”  AJ’s voice was raspy over the digital phone.
It was sometime in the middle of the day. I had just watched the shadows change shape in the living room because I still hadn’t gotten the courage to go to the bedroom and change. I knew his things would be there.  He’d left his pants on the floor, and his shirt over a chair.  One of his tennis shoes had been right in the doorway that led to the bathroom.
“He was wrong, AJ.”
“I know,” he said. “I know. Kev’s gone.”
“I know. He called me. He was really down too,” I said and rubbed my forehead. I was starting to get a headache, and I could already tell it wasn’t going to be pretty.  “We didn’t do anything, AJ. We just--.”
“I know. I know,” he said forcefully. “I know that. You don’t have to tell me. It’s just that the three of you have this history.  Kev’s the one that came here to convince Nicky to go back. He’s also the one that came to get you when you ran off.  I think for a long time, Nick’s felt Kev has too much control in his life.”
“But it’s not true. He’s the only one controlling this. He’s the one who has to decide.  He has to realize that he was wrong. Daniel had been bothering me, and all Kevin did was stand up for me.  He just did helped get away from him, and I was nothing but grateful.”
“Don’t you think Nicky would have liked to have been the man to stand up for your honor?”
“He wasn’t there,” I said.  “It’s not a contest, AJ.”
“Yeah, but that’s his pride.  And believe it or not, pride is a lot when you’re a man.”
“He didn’t used to be like that,” I said.  “He used to be so vulnerable.  It was easier to hurt him than for him to do the hurting. Now he’s just holding on to this like it’s something big. When it’s nothing. It’s nothing. Nothing is different. Nothing.  Just him. Him and his pride.”
“Well, he’s still here,” AJ said. “We haven’t moved. We’re not going anywhere.  If he was that pissed, we‘d already be at the airport or at the car rental place. But the boy‘s staying put.”
“You think that means something? You think he’s thinking this through?”
“He’s doing something, girl.  I mean he’s just there in his room doing something.”
I closed my eyes against the images of Nick alone dealing with all of that. I hated to see him hurt more than anything else. I could just imagine how hard it was for him sit there and realize what had happened.  It was practically sheer hell for me.
“I have to go set up my classroom tomorrow,” I said.  “School starts next week.”
“That’s right,” he said. “And we gotta be getting back to Florida pretty soon.”  He sighed.  “You guys better hurry up and fix this.”
“Where are you? What hotel?” I asked.  I was going to have to do something.  He wasn’t capable of moving, so I was going to have to.
“The Westin,” he said. “You coming?”
“Yeah, AJ. I’ll be right there.”
 

I trekked all the way up the stairs to their suite. I didn’t want to take the elevator because it would get me there faster. I had forced myself to change, fix up my hair and face, so I had to do it. I had to do something.
“Hey,” AJ greeted opening the door. “How are you? Are you okay?”
I tried to smile. “I’m okay.”
“Aw, girl, it’ll be fine,” he squeezed my shoulder and steered me to the adjacent door.  “Good luck.”
I sighed to fill myself up with courage and knocked on the door.  There was no answer, so I knocked again.
“Nick?” I called.
It took awhile, but he answered. “What?”
My heart fluttered, and I took the doorknob in my hand. “Can we talk?  Can I come in?”
The door opened yanking me with it, and I had to catch my balance.
“What?” he asked, the very same anger still written all over his face.
“I want to talk,” I said.  “Can I talk to you?”
He gave me this tired look, then he stepped back.  “Come in.”
I sucked in air and followed him inside to his relatively neat room.
“How are you?” I asked as he plunked down on the ruffled bed and left me standing.
He leaned back on his palms and shrugged.
In typical Nick fashion, he found a spot on the rug and stared at it.  He wasn’t going to make this easy.
“Look,” I began as gently as I could. “I know you’re mad.  I know that I’m probably the last person you want to see right now--.”
He let out this short laugh.
“But I’m not ready to throw everything away over a misunderstanding, Nick. And this is what this is. This is a misunderstanding. Kevin and I were not doing anything.  We were outside because he and Daniel had just gotten into a fight, and he got kicked out. I was supposed to stay inside and get you, but I didn’t want to leave him out there alone.”
He clicked his gums. “Yeah, because he’s so helpless, right? Six feet tall. Nearly two-hundred pounds.  You were gonna defend him, right?”
“Nick, it wasn’t like that either. I just felt..,” I stopped as I searched for the right world. “I felt obliged to be there. You’ve known him all your life. You know what it’s like to have that security, that protection. I don’t.  I have never, ever had anyone stand up for me like that.  You saw how my older sister treated me.” I shrugged. “I just appreciated that he was there for me.  He stood up for me when no one else ever did.”
“Well, I would have,” he spat defensively.  “If I’d known what the hell was going on.  But no, as usual, with you two, I was out of the loop.”
“What loop? What are you talking about, Nick?”
He shook his head. “The fucking loop you guys have between you. I thought for a few drunken seconds there than maybe you two were involved, that something was going on. But no. I don’t really think either one of you would do that to me. So then it was worse. It wasn’t just sex. It wasn’t even sex.”
I stared at him trying to understand.  He was making less sense each second.
He looked up at my silence, and I caught a glimpse of vulnerable, confused side.  Then he sat up really straight and looked at me with his mouth set in a straight line.  He crossed his arms.
“You guys are close. You have a connection.  I don’t want my girlfriend having an close connection with anyone else but me.  I don’t think the person that I have chosen to love should be consoling my best friends. It’s just not normal. It makes me crazy, and I don’t think that I can handle it. If you guys had been screwing around, I could understand the humanity of it all. But if you’re finding something in him that I can’t give you..,” he shrugged. “I don’t think there’s anything that I can do to change that.   And I don’t want to.”
I bit my lip to keep from calling him stupid. Or maybe it was to keep myself from breaking down in front of his eyes and blaming the whole thing on myself. At that point, I didn’t know anymore.
“Nick, I didn’t find anything in Kevin that you needed to give me.  You gave me all that I wanted in a man and in a friend.  But I guess I made the mistake of becoming friends with him. I never thought--.”
He continued to give me that hard look. “Yeah. You never thought, did you? You thought I was going to be understanding, silly Nick who just trusts blindly. Well, you know what? I don’t trust blindly anymore.  You’ve left me before. He’s screwed me over. He admitted it himself. I’m not going to leave myself open to other people’s selfishness.”
“Nick, he’s your friend, and I love you,” I said as steadily as I could. “Neither one of us did anything to hurt you this time.  And if you can’t forgive the past, then you’re just hurting yourself.  You’re going to lose everything and everyone that matters to you that way.”
He sat up straighter and shrugged. “Well, you know what? At least that way, I won’t get hurt.”
I was nodding before he finished saying the last word. He had done it. We had finally done it to him. He had gotten bitter, and I knew just how hard it was to overcome that.
“Don’t do that,” I said.
“Do what? Do what, Elisa? Stand up for myself? I --.”
I shook my head. “Don’t get bitter. Don’t let what people do to you, or what you think they’re doing to you, change you. Don’t let yourself become what I was just a few months ago. You don’t deserve that.”
He just looked up at me, and he actually seemed to listen. So I continued.
“You’re a great person just the way you are.  I’m sorry that I did something to make you feel the way you do.  And I’m sure Kevin’s sorry too.  But I understand, because that’s exactly how I used to feel about everything and everyone.  Then you came along,” I stopped myself not really ready to have a meltdown in front of him.
He shrugged at me and looked at the floor again.
I sucked in air and decided just to tell him.  It might be the last thing I was ever able to do in front of his face.  “You’re just better than that, Nick.  And it’s too hard to turn around and go back. I still don’t know if I have stopped being bitter.  Sometimes, I think I just never let myself truly believe that you were really part of my life.  I guess I thought I didn’t deserve someone like you.  All I never had were the Daniels of this world, and they never put good things in my life like you did.  So thanks for that. Thanks for letting me see what happiness looks like.  Just don’t let yourself lose it.  Don’t become someone like me.”  I turned away from his steady gaze. “It’s okay if you hate me,” I made myself say before I ran out of courage. “But you guys have to work together, and--.”
“And we’ll work it out then. It’s fine.  Don‘t worry about it,” he said flatly.
I nodded already tired of being pushed away.  I opened my purse, took out my phone and placed it on the table.
“I don’t want it,” he said.
“I don’t either.”  My eyes welled, so it was  my turn to look at the floor.  “Take care, Nick,” I managed to get out as I hurried to the door.
“... too,” was all I heard him say, and then the door slammed after me, but I was already crossing through AJ’s room and on my way out the door.
I rushed through the empty corridor and right through the stairwell door.  A million obscenities crossed my head because that’s all I could do.  Just curse the day I saw him again.  The day I let myself fall in love with him again.  And the day I lost sight of what was important and hurt him. I never, ever wanted to hurt him.
 

Strangely enough it was their music that got me through the next few days.  I went back to school on Monday, and I played Millennium and Black and Blue over and over again.  There was something reassuring in those songs, something happy, that I was sure kept their fans glued to them.
And happiness and reassurance were the two things I was sure I was never going to have in real life. I might as well let myself enjoy them in music.  So I smiled through the love songs when Nick’s voice would shine through and slowly unpacked my boxes to get my classroom back in order.  Working was going to get me through like it always did.  All that self-destruction that was so typical of me in these situations was out of the question.  A bunch of new faces would light up my classroom in a matter of days, and I didn’t have time to wallow.  They weren’t going to understand that their teacher was busy getting drunk and skipping meals to forget the only person she’d ever loved.  So, I didn’t even try.  I didn’t get drunk.  I didn’t go find some dumb guy to get me through.  I didn’t even go days without eating.  I just worked.
“Elisa, can I talk to you?” Mr. Conrad entered my classroom the Thursday before classes were to begin.
“Sure,” I said. “How was your break?”
“It was good,” he said.  “Thanks for asking. How was yours?”
I shrugged. “I’m glad it’s over. I’m ready to go back to work.”
He gave me a little smile and looked around my almost completed classroom. “Well, that’s kind of what I came to talk to you about.”
Immediately, my heart thudded.  His face didn’t look the way faces did when people had good news.
“Sure,” I said taking a seat on top of one of the student tables.  He did the same thing.  “What’s going on?”
“Elisa, I’ve been looking at our enrollment numbers, and they’re really low.  Desperately low,” he said. “I don’t know if people are moving out of this community, or if it’s just a strange year, and no one’s registered but..,” he rubbed his temples for a second then looked back up at me.  “But we don’t have enough second graders to make your class.  I’m sorry.”
I felt myself lose air.
“And it’s not just you.  I’m cutting a section in just about every grade. I just don’t understand it.  The bad thing is that you’re one of the last ones to get here, so that makes you--.”
“One of the first ones to go?” I finished softly for him. “I know. I know the routine.”
He sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish I could tell you something different. If things don’t change within the next day, I’m going to lose all of the new teachers I hired in the last few years.  And I hate that.  I was so happy with your performance here.  You know that?”
I nodded and looked around the brightly decorated walls. I was going to have to take everything down again.
“Your contract with the district is still good, so they’ll place at a school where there’s an opening. That is no problem, but I really wish that you could stay here.”
“I wish I could too,” I said and shrugged. “It’s not your fault. I understand.”
He gave me a small smile. “Lets pray that things change by tomorrow, okay?”
“How many kids are we short?”
“Like ten.  But we can pray for a miracle, right?”
I half-laughed and shook my head.  “I think it’s going to take more than a miracle.  But it’s okay. I’ll go wherever I need to.”
Besides, part of me had been prepared not to be at that school. It had been prepared to be in Tampa for the rest of my life.
“Are you okay?”
“Sure,” I said and smiled. “I’m fine.”
“I’ll keep you posted on what happens,” he said sliding off the table.  “Keep your fingers crossed.”
I crossed them for him to see, and he did the same thing as he stepped out of the room.  And I didn’t wait to start taking my stuff down. There was no point. Ten families with ten eight year olds weren’t suddenly going to appear in the neighborhood.
“Guess he talked to you, huh?” Josie appeared in my doorway about an hour later.
I nodded. “Yeah. You too?”
“Yeah, me too.” She looked around my room. “But I hadn’t gotten all shit up all over the place like you.  Dang girl. How long have you been coming here?”
“All week,” I said.  “I’ve got nothing better to do.”
She gave me a look then nodded. “Oh. Oh yeah. No more Nicky. You didn’t talk to him again?”
“He didn’t really want to talk to me.”
“Screw him. He was a jerk.”
“I don’t want to hear that, Josie,” I said pulling some stubborn masking tape off the wall. “That doesn’t help.”
“Sorry, but this might help.”
Just her tone made me turn around.  “What?”
“AJ called me.”
“AJ?”
She nodded. “Yeah. He’s worried about you, so he’s called to check on how you are.  He wanted to call your house, but he figured you might not be up to hearing from him.”
“How’s he doing?”
“AJ? AJ’s doing great,” she said. “But that’s not what you want to know.”
I shook my head at her. “Don’t play with me.  If I wanted to know about Nick, I would have asked you. Did you tell AJ I was fine?”
“Yup,” she said. “I told him you were busy back at work.  He and what’s his name? Eyebrow guy were thinking you were going on some massive self-destructive thing.”
“Kevin. Kevin’s eyebrow guy.”
“Whatever,” she shrugged.  “But I told him you were fine. Their little buddy wasn’t going to bring you down.”
I started laughing, and I don’t really know why.
“What?” she asked. “Have you finally lost it?”
“Probably,” I chuckled. “I don’t know. AJ and Kevin are good guys. They were probably just worried about me, but I’m fine.  I’m fine. I’m always fine.  What else can I be, Jo? I finally let myself fall in love, and that’s over. I’m going to have to leave the place I love working.  I can’t sit down and die. I can’t give up and disappear somewhere. I have to move on. I have to keep going.”
“Yeah,” she smiled. “I’m sure you’ll meet someone else.”
I rolled up my ‘Dare to Read’ poster and stuck it in the box with the rest of them.
“I’m sure I won’t.  I was wrong to take a chance with Nick again, just like I was wrong to do it the first time.  All I want is some peace of mind.”  Just as I said those words, I understood that I couldn’t even have that. Without a secure job, I couldn’t have peace of mind. What if I hated where they stuck me?  What if I got a grade level I hated? What if I hated my co-workers? What if I hated the school?
“This bites,” Josie said sitting down in one of the little chairs.  “I hate having to wait to find out where I’m gonna be.  I don’t want to be anywhere else. I wanna be here.”
“I was just thinking that,” I told her.  “What if there are no other openings with the district? What are we going to do then?”
“Shit. Don’t even say that, Elisa,” she said.  “I can’t even imagine. I have a car payment, my apartment and a million credit cards to pay.”
I rubbed my forehead thinking the motion might  soothe me.
I shrugged. “Well, it’s a possibility, and we have to be ready for whatever comes next.”
She chewed on her lower lip and crossed her arms. “So what are you gonna do? Are you gonna apply somewhere else?”
“No,” I shook my head. “I’m gonna do what I’ve been doing the last few days. I’m gonna pray for a miracle.”
 
 

It would be lie if I said I didn’t expect to hear from him.  When the neighborhood dogs barked, I glanced out the window hoping to see some big truck drive up.  But I didn’t live hanging on to that.  By that night, I didn’t have much hope of anything, and going to bar and forgetting about everything else in the world was starting to look really good.
The phone rang, and I thought what I always thought.  Nick.
“Hello?”
“Hey it’s me,” Josie said sounding extremely excited.  “What are you doing?”
“Nothing,” I said. “Why?”
“Elisa, I have a plan.  I mean, we can’t just sit around and wait for Conrad to tell us what’s gonna happen. And in all truth, we both know that the odds of us keeping our classrooms this year, are beyond slim.”
It was nice to hear her so hopeful.
“So? So what’s the plan?”
“Let’s move to San Antonio.”
I heard the far away sound of Josie’s television come clearly through the phone line.
“Or Dallas. Or Austin or anywhere. We don’t have sit here and wait for us to get a job. We can just go get another one, and you know there are plenty of jobs in the big cities.  Hell, what are we doing here?  I’m ready for a change, and I think you are too.  Aren’t you tired of looking around at the same walls? Haven’t you lived in that house your whole life?”
I had.
My sisters and I had grown up there, and we had even all gotten along for awhile when were kids.  When we were older, Laura and I would roll in drunk and hope our mom didn’t notice.  My sisters had all left the house in their wedding dresses.  My parents had gotten sick and died while living in that house.   Nick had spent the very first night I met him on the couch I was sitting on.
“Elisa?”
I swallowed back to clear the thoughts that flitted through my mind.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“So what do you think? I’ve been online all afternoon, and I know there are openings in San Antonio.  We can go there tomorrow night. I’m sure we can get interviews by Monday and who knows? Maybe by Wednesday or Thursday, we move all our stuff out there and start out brand new lives.”
“That sounds like a good plan,” I made myself say because it sounded like the right thing. Everyone craves change. Everyone wants to start over.
Everyone runs away.
“Great,” I could tell she smiling happily over the phone.  “I’m gonna start looking for apartments online and see what I can find out about San Antonio. Hey, you want to live together, right? I mean, just to get started, then we can decide to do something else?”
“Sure Josie,” I said.  “That’s fine.”
“Wanna come over and look with me.”
“No thanks. I told Laura I’d call her, and I have the feeling we’ll be on the phone for awhile, especially once I tell her about the plan.”
“Oh. Oh okay,” she said. “Then I’ll let you know what I find  in the morning. So stop praying for that miracle, Ellie. I got your salvation right here.”
“Thanks,” I said.  “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Bye,” she said.
“Bye.”
I hung up and sighed. Just like that, I decided to change my whole life.  That was very unlike me.
But in a very like me fashion, I stayed up all night and scoured the house from top to bottom for more flower drawings.  I was afraid that if I moved, I would leave some behind, and then I wouldn’t forgive myself. I had been collecting them and putting them away neatly in one of my Mary Stewart novels.  It was a thick book, so I was able to space them out and keep them free of wrinkles.   But there were no more. I had found them all the night he had gotten mad at me.
“Where are you, Nick?” I said fingering the last one I found that previous night.  “I’m gonna leave and you might never find me again.  And maybe that’s what you want.”
The tears blurred the paper before me, and I didn’t try to hold it in.  I sat back on my bed, pulled my knees up and cried harder than I had since it happened.
It was just time to let go.
 

I stepped into the quiet school Friday morning.  There were a few more people back, but it was too early for everyone to be there.
“Hi Mr. Conrad,” I stood outside his office because I wanted to have things settled before everyone got there and started telling me about how sorry they were to see me go.
“Elisa,” he smiled. “Hi.”
“I just wanted to know if there was any news.”
The look on his face told me there wasn’t, but he got up and motioned for me to sit.
“It’s okay,” I told him. “I just want to know. I need to know.”
“Well no. There hasn’t been a change. And even if there was, the bosses downtown already told me to close the sections of the newest teachers.  I’m sorry.”
I nodded. “Okay, thanks.” I backed out and started down the hallway.
“But I’m going to call people I know and tell them about you. Just don’t tell Josie because I don’t think I can do the same for her.  I’m not as impressed by her as I was by you.”
I pressed a smiled at him and continued to walk backwards. “Thanks. It’s okay. I’m leaving town.”
I saw his mouth open slightly.  “You are?  But why? You don’t have to do that. I mean, maybe your section will reopen next year. I’m sure we can find you something in the district that you like. Elisa, don’t go. Not just like that.”
Don’t go.
Nick had said those words to me in Baltimore when I realized I shouldn’t have been messing around with him and tried to leave the hotel.
“I have to,” I told him.  “I was planning on doing it this year anyway.  I just rather be somewhere else.”
He sighed and his shoulders slumped slightly.  “Well, I’m sorry to hear that. I was hoping I’d be able to get you back here sooner than later.”
“I’m sorry.  I have to finish packing.”
“Okay,” he said.  “Don’t go without saying good-bye.”
“Sure.”
My tennis shoes squeaked down the hallway.  The memories rushed by me like the had the last few days.  I remembered how Kevin and Nick had helped me to set up my classroom.  Kevin and I had finally had a confrontation that I was sure would mark how I would feel about him forever.
Forever always seemed to change.
I spent the rest of the morning packing up the last, few things I still had scattered about. It was so easy to accumulate books, papers, games and materials.
I was finished before noon, so I started moving the boxes into my car.  Last thing on my to-do list was to say good-bye to Mr. Conrad, and it was about time to do just that.
“Elisa?”
I was staring out my classroom window trying to memorize the view I planned to never see again.
“Yeah?” I turned around and felt my stomach sink to the floor.
“Hey. What’s going on?” Nick asked softly as he looked around. “I thought you were starting the new year.”
I blinked then did it again to make sure I wasn’t finally hallucinating.
“Where’s all your stuff?” he asked stepping inside. “I brought you some books I found back home.  I think they’re by that same guy that wrote the ones we bought in the summer. Remember?”
He had gotten his hair trimmed again, and that always made his eyes shine even brighter blue.  That and the fact that he was wearing my favorite cobalt shirt and his favorite khaki shorts.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as my heart took a thud. “You didn’t have to bring me any books. I don’t need them.”
“I know,” he said and stepped closer to me. “I wanted to. I saw them, and I thought about you right away. Well, actually, I thought about you again.  It’s all I’ve been doing lately.”
I closed my eyes and shook my head. “Nick. Nick, what are you doing?”
“I’m coming here to tell you that I’m sorry,” he said, and I felt him take my hand.
I opened my eyes and actually felt my heart skip a beat. I had never, ever felt that before.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry that I was such a dumb jerk. I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you when you went to talk to me. I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you that night outside the club. I’m sorry about everything.  Everything.”
“You don’t have to say you’re sorry,” I said.  “Just seeing you is enough to know that.”
He pushed a strand of hair behind my ear.  On instinct, I followed his hand back to his chest and closed my eyes against the familiar warmth.
“I missed you,” he said wrapping his arms around me and kissing my hair. “I missed you so much.  I’ve spent the last six days thinking about how you were supposed to be home with me.  We were supposed to be together right now, Elisa. And I ruined it.  I’m the one who threw everything away.  I’m sorry.”
The tears had come immediately, so he pushed them away for me when I looked up.
“Stop saying you’re sorry.  You’re here.  I don’t care about anything else.”
He slid his soft finger over my cheek and kissed my cheek.  “I always make you cry.”
“I’m happy to see you. That’s why I’m crying.”
He pulled me back into his arms. “I know.  I know, but I still feel bad.  I thought about what you told me the last time I saw you. I thought long and hard about becoming bitter, and at first I didn’t care. I figured it was just what was going to happen. Then I thought about what that was doing to you.  About how inside, you had probably given up on that happiness.”
“I had,” my voice was muffled by his arms.
“But that happiness is you. I know it’s you because I don’t feel it anymore.  It’s gone when you’re not with me.  I’ve just been home thinking. Thinking and feeling sorry for myself. But mostly I’m sad because you’re not there.”  He kissed my hair again. “I missed you.  I missed you so much.”  His voice actually broke.
I pulled away from his hold to look up at him.   His eyes were shiny and the tip of his nose was a light shade of pink.
“I hadn’t cried in forever,” he said and tried to smile.  “Probably since the time I left here, at least not as bad.” He sniffled.  “But right now, all I want to do is hold on to you, okay?”
I broke his hold only for a second. Just long enough to wrap my arms around his neck and kiss away his own tears.
“Honey, I love you.  And I always, always will.”
He leaned into my face, and closed his eyes.  “I love you too.  And I will never do anything like this again. I promise.”
I closed my eyes and held on tighter.
 

“I got your stuff,” he said after we ate some Chinese takeout for dinner.
“What stuff?”
“Your birthday stuff.  I went back to the OP and got it.  You think I was going to leave your presents there? AJ ate your cake, but I got your stuff.  Most of it’s back at my house.”
I laughed.  “AJ ate my cake?”
“Yeah, he eats everything, but I did bring something with me.”
I sat up a little to face him.   We had spent the night pretty much holding on to each other to make up for the eternal days we were apart.
He dug into his pocket and came up with a little box.
“It’s not a ring,” he said immediately. “I don’t want you freaking out thinking that I’ve gone nuts and am gonna ask you to marry me.  Well, at least not yet.”
I laughed.  “Um, okay.  You’re not nuts.  Not yet.”
He put the little box in my hand, and I had to find my way around the massive quantities of tape the held the wrapping paper together.
“I wrapped it,” he said almost proudly.
I kissed his cheek.  “It’s, um, very safe in there.”
He laughed, pulled it out of my hand and ripped off the wrapping paper.
“Here.” He gave me back the black velvet box.  “Happy late birthday.”
“Thank you.”
The tiny box squeaked as I opened it to find a tiny, simple silver cross.
“You don’t wear gold,” he said. “I’ve noticed it that.  I wanted to give you something personal, something you could always have.”
“It’s perfect,” I said as I took it out.  It glinted at us even in the shadows created by the TV.
“Here,” he took it into his hands and slipped it around my neck.  “I wear a cross too.  It just reminds me to keep the faith.”
I turned around and kissed his cheek. “Thank you. It is perfect.”
“Naw, you are.”
“I still can’t believe you’re here,” I said.  “I mean, I’m looking at you, but I can’t believe it.”
“Me either.  Part of me doesn’t believe I finally got off my ass and came here.  Part of me still thinks I’m stuck back in Florida.”
“Why’d you come?” I asked tracing the perfect curb of his dusty-colored eyebrow.
He chuckled. “Are you kidding?  You think I’d ever leave you behind after all the trouble I’ve gone through chasing you?  I mean, first you ran off on me in Oklahoma City, then in Baltimore, and then you go find me, but run away again.”  He shook his head. “I couldn’t risk you changing your mind and deciding never to come back.”
I looked at him.  His eyes burned indigo in the dim light as he tried not to laugh.
“Really? You want to know why I really came back?”
I nodded. “Pretty much.”
“Because I love you, and I missed you.  I sat at my house wondering what the hell I had done and why.  I was all alone, and I was finally able to realize what a thick-headed, stubborn, selfish jerk I was being.  Besides, AJ finally got tired of trying to reason with me around Tuesday morning, and Kevin’s probably still calling my answering machine and voicemail everyday.   I got tired of feeling sorry for myself and hearing the phone ring every couple of hours.”  He shrugged. “But under all of that, all I wanted to do was see you.  I wanted to play with your hair and see your eyes when you smile at me.”
I smiled at him.
“Yeah, like that.”
I held on tighter to him and closed my eyes.  He was all I ever truly wanted.
“Did you think I was gonna come back?” he asked.
“Honestly?  No.  I thought you really thought something had been going on with us, and that you’d never think otherwise,” I said.
“Just like that?  Were you gonna look for me?”
I knew the honest answer to that question, but I also knew what he wanted to hear.
“Not that I gave you any reason to,” he said.  “But would you?”
“I don’t know.  It wasn’t so much you as it was me.  I mean, you leaving like that is actually pretty typical of my life. Every time I think I finally found something good, it gets taken away.  Whenever I think I’m finally perfectly happy, I do something to ruin it.  It’s just me.  I figured this was no different.”
He was quiet, and then I felt his hand in my hair. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“No. It’s okay. I know you are. You don’t have to say it.”
“No wait,” he said and sat up.  “I want to you know that I am truly, honestly sorry that I’m sorry I ever doubted you.  I never meant--.”
“It’s okay,” I said with more force.
“No. It’s not. I know how hard all this is for you.  I know how hard you worked to build up all those walls, and how hard it was for you to let me through them.”
I bit my lip, and I saw his eyes soften.
He took my face into his warm hands. “But it’s okay.  I promise. It’s perfectly okay.  You haven’t, and you could never, ruin anything.” I closed my eyes as his balmy lips touched mine.  “Ever, never. Ever.”
Though we were perfectly still, the thoughts still clamored though my brain.  Those same thoughts that were never far away, weren’t just close by anymore, they were loud.
He was still young.
He had doubts.
He was the one who had walked away.
He pulled away from my mouth and slightly pushed my chin up to face him.  “Elisa, you have to level with me here.  I mean, we’ve come so damn far, but I need to know that you’re okay. That you understand that I had a moment of,... of,...,”he smiled.  “Um blindness? Stupidity?  Loss of sanity?  But that’s all it was.  I mean, I got carried away and jumped to conclusions without thinking. I know you guys would never do that. I know that. I know that right here.” He rested his palm on his heart.  “This has never lied to me,” he grinned.  “It’s the one organ I always listen to.”
I had to smile. Him being young wasn’t always a negative.
“Honey, I’m okay.  I mean, the last few days have just been so crazy.  You went away. My class got cut at school.  And I’ve been trying to hard to deal and keep it all together because I’m so tired of falling apart,” I stopped myself.  “Wait. That’s not true.  I’m not used to falling apart anymore because I’ve been very together since you got back.”
He smiled.
“But I know you’re strong, honey.  You’re stronger than me, and I’m going to follow your lead,” I said.  “If you think we can make it--.”
“Hey!” he protested. “I don’t think.  I know we can.  My truth organ told me so.”
He was so funny.  “Truth organ?  Nick, you’re so--.”
“What? You don’t believe me?  Wanna hear what it has to say? It doesn’t lie. It’s never lied.”
I gave him a look and leaned into his chest to listen to the strong thumps of his great heart. He was right. It didn’t lie.
I wrapped my arms around his torso and let myself stay there and listen to the truth for awhile. It sure was better than anything else I had ever heard.
He kissed my hair, and I heard him sigh. “I have to call Kev.”
“You haven’t yet? I mean, you came here first?”
“Um-huh.  I figured I had to catch you before you let ‘that girl’ convince you that I was another dumb jerk.  Because I knew that was coming. I knew she was going to attack.”
I had to laugh.  “That girl,” I repeated. “That girl’s gone forever.  I want to be happy, Nick.  I mean, I want to have faith and trust in people.  Living the other way is too hard.  It takes too much energy to be angry and doubtful.”
“Tell me about it,” he chuckled.
“When are you going to call him?”
He sighed.  “Soon. In a bit, I guess.  You know, he’s always been such an influence in my life.  And I never wanted to admit it.  The press makes a big deal about him being the oldest, the big brother. And there was a time when he wasn’t exactly the best he could be at it.  But since I went back with them, he’s like this big rock that just holds everything up.  It’s like we can all have bad, I-hate-everything-days, but Kev’s still there and looking out for us.  And I know that’s all he’s ever done with me.  When he came to get me the first time, he was just doing what he thought was right for me.  Hell, I thought it was right at the time too.  When he came to get you, he was just trying to make me happy.  And when he let himself be friends with you, then he was just showing me how much he trusted me.  And I ruined it. I mean, I just acted like--.”
“That girl?” I finished for him.
He laughed really hard.  “Um, yeah.  I guess I did. I jumped in with doubts and fears instead of faith and trust.”  He twirled the ends of my hair around his finger.  “God,” he sighed.  “He just better be okay with everything. I mean, I don’t think he could be like really hating me now, do you?”
“Honey, he’s been calling you. That’s what you said.”
“Maybe he was calling me to tell me off or to send me some kind of death threat.”
It was my turn to laugh. “Nick, he wouldn’t.”
He shifted his body as he reached for his phone off the corner table and dialed.
“Good luck,” I told him still resting on his chest.
“Thanks,” he said.  “Um hey... Hey Kev, it’s me....”
 

It was a good thing that I was ready to go to Florida.  My school things were packed, and I had pretty much taken inventory of what  I wanted to keep stored at home and what I wanted to take with me.  Laura and Paul were going to keep the house because none of us wanted to sell it.
“You can come back and have it whenever,” Laura said as we looked at all my boxes and suitcases.  “By then, I’m sure we’ll be able to get our own place.”
“She’s not coming back,” Nick said as he strolled by with a box in his arms.
He had rented a truck, and we were going to tow my car all the way to Florida.
She shook her head at him and smiled at me.  “Are you okay? Are you ready for this?”
“Yeah,” I said.  “I am.  I mean, I’ve done everything else. I’ve been stupid.  I’ve been bitter. I’ve been alone. I might as well be happy.”
She smiled.  “And you will be.  He’s so awesome. I can’t believe what a great guy he is.”
“I can,” I said. “I told him that I would believe from now on.”
“Hey, that’s all that love is,” she said.  “It’s not easy, but it’s worth the hard times.”
“What do you know?  Paul worships the ground you walk on.  He wouldn’t hurt you anymore than Nick can stop being cute,” I said giving her a little push.
She laughed. “Yeah. Okay. You’re right. But Nick’s not exactly the picture of insecurity anymore.  You guys will be great.”
“I hope so,” I sighed and hoisted up the next box.
I was trying not to trip on the porch steps as I listened to the familiar sounds of someone playing basketball in the back.  I guessed Nick and Paul got distracted from packing up the truck and decided to shoot a few hoops instead.
It was a hot, late August day.  The sun baked the cement practically blasting the heat up from the sidewalks.
I dumped the box and was about to start toward the backyard when I recognized a familiar truck coming slowly down the street.
“Shit,” I muttered, slammed the truck door closed and figured I could make it back inside before Daniel even began anything.  I couldn’t believe he was so stupid.  Why couldn’t he just leave well-enough alone?
“Elisa? Hey wait,” he called as the truck came to stop in front of the Explorer Nick had rented.
“Daniel, don’t,” I told him, and that’s all I ever seemed to tell him.  “Get the hell away from me.”
“Hey, I just want to talk.  C’mon. Please? Can we talk?” He hopped off the truck, just as I started up the walk.
It was probably better to deal with him than to cause a scene, so I stopped halfway to the door.
“Listen, Nick’s just in the backyard, and he’s not going to want to see you here.  Why’d you even come? What could you possibly have to say to me after everything that’s happened?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t know why I’m just popping out of dark corners at you.  I don’t mean to be some kind of stalker sent to scare the wits out of you, but I just have to tell you how sorry I am. I have to tell you until you believe me.”
“I believe you,” I said trying not to raise my voice.  “Now go away.”
“Ellie. Ellie, c’mon. We used to be friends. We used to be able to talk about everything. We--.”
“We did, a long time ago,” I told him. “That’s over. It was over when I went to Maryland and saw Nick again. And it was really over when you showed up at school and scared the hell out of me.”
“And what about at the OP when your friend busted my lip open?”
“It was definitely over then,” I said and started toward the house again.
“I saw him in the parking lot,” Daniel said. “I saw you, that blond kid and everyone else all up in arms over God-knows-what.  You guys were arguing, and he wouldn’t listen to you.”
“We had a misunderstanding,” I said.
“I almost got off the truck and went to finish what that big guy had started, but then I just saw you. Whatever that blond kid said to you just seemed to break your heart. I just wanted to be there. I wanted to tell you that I--.”
“No, Daniel,” I said as clearly as I could.  “It wasn’t--.”
“I wanted to tell you that I would be there for you even if he wasn’t. I wanted to tell you that I wasn’t going to be like him, like the rest of them and let you down.”
“You already let me down.  Now just let me get on with me life.”
He blinked at me.  “Ellie, I’m sorry.  But that won’t ever happen again.  I would never do it again. I just want --.”
“What the hell are you doing here?!”
Shit.
I had never heard Nick yell in anger, and the sound just reverberated through my head.
“We’re talking,” Daniel told him.  “Elisa is grown woman, and she can talk to me if she wants to.  Don’t start any sh--.”
Nick was already walking toward him, and Paul was right behind him.
“Nick. Nick, don’t,” I said reaching for his T-shirt, which he easily pulled out of my hold.
“You know what?” Nick said so coolly it was scary.  “I’m not here to kick your ass. I’m not going to be unreasonable like Kevin and make with the punches.  I’m just gonna tell you to get your ass off this lawn, and out of my sight.”
“Listen kid,” Daniel began.  “Elisa and I are old friends. I think she owes it to me to at least consider forgiving me.”
I almost cringed knowing how much Nick hated being thought of as a kid.
But he was surprisingly silent.
“I don’t owe you anything,” I spoke up.  “I--.”
The words got caught in my throat as Nick grabbed handfuls of Daniel’s shirt and slammed him into the Explorer.
“Did you hear that? Did you hear that? Or are you hard of hearing?”
Daniel’s eyes were wide as he shrank away from Nick.
“Huh?” Nick asked. “I asked if you heard her? She said that she didn’t owe you anything, much less any forgiveness.  Is that clear?”
Daniel seemed to regroup and start to struggle to get out of Nick’s grip, but Nick just seemed to hold on tighter.  He pushed Daniel so hard into the Explorer I was sure he was going to leave a huge dent.
“And you know what? We’re moving to Florida today,” Nick told him. “So you can just forget about coming here anymore. You have no fucking business here.  And that better be clear to you know if you were that dense before.”
Daniel’s knees seemed to buckle under him from the force Nick was using.
“Nick,” I started after him, but Paul stopped me.
“I think you better let him,” he said softly.
“Yeah, okay! Fine! Let me go, you sorry little fuck.”
Nick laughed and let him go so hard, he fell. “Sorry fuck?  Buddy, I got the girl.”
I know I turned red, but Paul cracked up next to me.
And Nick watched him make his way around the vehicles and back to his truck.  Something hit the ground with a rattle as he drove away.
“Hm,” Nick said picking up a CD.  “It says happy birthday. I guess it’s for you?” he asked looking up at me.
“What is it?”
He quickly unwrapped it and let out this hysterical giggle. “Oh my God!” he laughed.  “Oh my God!”
I finally stepped past Paul. “What? What are you laughing at? Let me see.”
He held out the CD to me. It was a brand new copy of Black and Blue with a note taped it to.
“To replace the one I ruined,” I read aloud. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need this,” Nick said taking out of my hand and tossing over his shoulder.  “I can sing all those songs to you all the way to Florida.  C’mon, let’s finish packing  your stuff.” He threw his arm around me and led me back inside.
“You scared him,” I told him as we climbed up the steps.
“It wasn’t hard.  He’s a loser,” Nick said with a shrug.
“You weren’t scared?”
He half-laughed. “Scared? No. Why?”
“Are you sure?  You just don’t really fight with people.”
“It’s the truth. I wasn’t scared,” he said with a little smile.  “I wasn’t.”
I stepped in front of him to make him stop walking.
“What?” he asked amused.
“I want to see if you’re lying.”
“Baby, I’m not lying,” he said, still laughing.
I grabbed his arms and listened to the strong thumps of his heart.  “Yeah, you’re telling the truth.”
“Elisa, you’re crazy,” he laughed and pulled me up into his arms. “I’m tired of all this damn dry heat. Let’s go.”
I tried not to, but I screamed.  “Nick!”
“Hey, we’re going home, right? Right?”
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. “Yup. Home. Let’s go home.”