It was a pretty crappy way to start the new year. On second thought, for somebody who spends no time in a bar or a club, to be standing way in the back of a nightclub packed with drunken idiots, was probably the worst way to start the new year.
"Oh c'mon," said Howie. "Go ask someone to dance."
"Who 'D?" I asked. "The one fat chick in the back who can still keep her balance? Why do you come to these places, anyway?"
He glanced at his shoes then shrugged. "To relax. To meet girls, you know?"
I had to shrug as well. "No. I don't know. I usually don't have to come to these places to meet girls, and I'm not old enough to drink. Plus, that doesn't even relax me anyway. So, why the hell am I even here?"
"So, I guess having your birthday party here this year is out of the question, huh Frack?" he asked with a bit of sarcasm in his voice.
I shrugged. "I'll go wherever you guys want. It's not like...," I stopped since I didn't want to start talking about Sandy again anyway.
"It's not like we can have it at Chuck E. Cheese, or how about Disneyworld?" he asked.
I was back to looking into the crowd. Here I was, New Years Eve, on the verge of the beginning of a new millennium, in one of South Beach's most exclusive clubs, and I couldn't bring myself to enjoy it. There were too many things on my mind. I was wondering where Sandy could be and how she could let so much time go by without saying a word to me. It had been more than a week and a half. Plus, these people were all way older than me, not to mention way drunker than I ever wanted to be. From the looks of some of them, alcohol wasn't the only thing affecting their behavior.
A tall girl with thick, long brown hair was smiling at Howie from the other side of the bar.
"Well, bro'," began his swan song. "This is where I leave you for now. But, give this place a chance. When I came here with Kev last month, we had a blast. I'm sure you'll meet someone nice."
I nodded. "Sure. Yeah. Listen, maybe I'll go home early."
He stopped in mid-step toward the brunette and turned to me. "No. Really? Listen, stick around. We never do anything together, and I thought it would be cool for us to ring in the millennium."
"It's just that I'm tired. I had a long drive over here, and this really isn't my kind of place, 'D."
"Okay. Look, I'll stay here with you. I won't ask her to dance--."
I stopped him right there. "No. Go Howie, really. I just suck at these places, you have no idea."
He stepped back to my side and seemed firmly glued there. "No. Look, I told you that we'd celebrate New Year's Eve together, and that's what we're going to do. I can come here any time and pick up girls. Want a drink?"
"I can't--."
"Oh shut up, they don't check ID's. Besides, you're Nick Carter, what are they gonna do, give you a Shirley Temple?"
I followed him to the bar where a gorgeous blonde girl in leather pants and a halter top was making drinks.
"Hi Howie!" she greeted leaning over the bar to kiss him on the cheek. "What's up? Happy New Year!"
"Hi Kim. Happy New Year. What do you recommend for ringing in the New Year with high spirits?"
She smiled at him. "I'll make you guys something special."
"Thanks!" he said with a huge smile on his face. Then he winked at her while she mixed something in a blender.
I couldn't believe he got such a rush from flirting with these women who just talked to him because he was famous. But Howie seemed to enjoy, more than anyone else, that being in the band had it's perks, especially around tall, attractive women who probably wouldn't look twice at him otherwise.
She came back with two bright green drinks that had chunks of pineapple sticking out from the side.
"Now, that does not look manly at all."
We both looked up to find Kevin standing next to us at the bar.
"Kevin!" Howie greeted giving him a quick hug. "Thought you weren't going to make it."
"I had to pick up Brian," he said. "Hey Nick."
"Hey Kev. Where's Bri? I didn't know you guys were coming."
"The bathroom. I'm surprised you're even here. I thought you hated coming to clubs."
I shrugged. "I thought I'd make an exception on New Year's Eve."
"He was getting ready to leave," Howie said. "Listen, those girls from last time are here again. The models that we met, remember?"
Kev nodded and leaned into the bar. "I'll have a Bud-light," he said to Kim.
I looked at Howie. "Is that what manly men drink?"
He chuckled. "Yeah, that's why he has hair on his--."
Kevin turned around and gave us both a look. "I can hear you, Howie."
I sipped my drink and almost turned my face inside out. Howie and Kevin laughed at me.
"This is gross," I told them fishing the pineapple out of the liquid. Well, at least I wouldn't be hungry.
"Why'd you guys decide to come after all?" Howie asked.
"Well, Leigh Anne's working over the holidays, so Bri’s staying with me, and I wasn't really up for kissing him or Quincy at midnight. I called Bone and left him a message. Maybe he'll show up too."
Bone and Julie had gotten into a huge fight after the European tour. She had promised to make his life hell and write a real tell-all book about what life as a Backstreet Boy's girlfriend was like. AJ had told her to go to hell, but I knew he was miserable. He really loved her. For all his coolness, AJ was really happiest when he was in love.
"Hey, the gang's all here," Brian greeted finally showing up. He grabbed me and hugged me. "Hi Frack. Didn't think Howie could talk you into this."
I handed him the green drink. "Neither did I, but here I am. Why didn't you tell me Leigh Anne was working this weekend? We could have had a party at my house or something instead of coming here where we don't even know anyone."
"Correction," Kevin said. "You don't even know anyone. But there's a remedy to that. Our friends usually have friends, and they're usually pretty cute--."
"Kevin--," I tried to start talking.
"Nick. Listen, I know this whole Sandy break up thing is still fresh, and that maybe you harbor some hope that she'll come around. But she's not here tonight, and you deserve to have a good time. Just get something else to drink and ask one of these girls to dance. It's not that hard."
I looked at Brian.
"What he said," Brian said. "Just give it chance, man. You've got nothing to lose." He sipped the drink. "This tastes like crap. Who on Earth told you to order this? What is it? Piss and club soda?"
Kim cleared her throat from behind us. "I invented that drink," she said. "It's vodka and margarita mix with a bit of tequila. It's a house favorite."
Everyone laughed, but Brian set the glass in front of her. "Well, it's not that good. Why don't you get us two beers? Bud-lights?" he asked with a smile.
She eyed him and snatched up the glass. "Your friends are rude, Howie," she said and walked away.
"Well, your drinks suck," Brian said mocking her.
I pulled him away from the bar. "You don't have to be so mean to her."
"It's fine man, don't worry."
Five minutes after she set our beers down so hard that they foamed up the neck of the bottles, AJ walked in.
"Boys," he said with nod and settled into the stool next to mine.
Kevin and Howie said hello then eyed each other while Brian leaned over me. He was obviously still not up to being his sunny self.
"Hey Boner. What's up? Did you have a--?" Brian started.
AJ turned and gave me slap on the shoulder. "Get me a beer, yeah? Budwieser."
"Sure," I said and turned to try to get Kim's attention. Since the green drink incident she had been ignoring us. She'd even stopped making small talk with Howie. Now, she was off in the opposite corner of the bar talking to a bartender who looked a lot like Kevin. But then again, I noticed that many of the guys milling around the club looked like Kevin. I guess his look was in.
I leaned over as far as I could and tried to wave her down. It was then that I noticed a familiar face through the crowd.
"Sandy?"
"No, Budwieser," AJ repeated. "Just a beer, okay?"
"Huh? No, I know. Let me go to another bar because she's ignoring us, now. I'll be right back," I said, not waiting for an answer.
Brian immediately took my seat and started talking to AJ.
I picked my way through the crowd. A couple of heads turned in recognition when I passed them up. But I was looking for a tall, wide-eyed girl with long, blond hair.
I made it as far as the dance floor when I spotted her talking to a tall, dark, guy who was dressed all in black. She kissed him on the cheek and disappeared into the bathroom. I hurried over there and stood closer to the door than the guy. He had taken to watching the crowded dance floor, craning his neck occasionally as if he recognized some of the people.
Sandy stepped out of the bathroom and I stood in her way.
"Nick," she said looking up at me. "Hey. What a surprise. I thought you didn't--."
"You know I hate clubs. I just came here because the guys wanted to. What are you doing here? I thought that you were spending New Year's Eve with your family. Don't you guys have some big celebration every year?"
She shrugged. "Yeah, well, I decided that I wanted to party tonight. It's the end of century, Nick. I mean, if you even want to party, then everyone must deserve to party."
She watched my face closely then. I think she was sizing me up, looking for anger, jealousy or worry. I felt all of them but tried desperately to conceal it.
"So, did you want to talk to me about something?" she asked. "Derek's waiting for me, and--."
I took a deep breath. "How can you do this? I thought that we hadn't really broken up yet. I thought we were just on a break."
She gave me a small smile. "This is what people do on a break. Haven't you ever watched Friends? When Ross and Rachel are on a break, he--."
"I know what he does. But I wasn't going to do that. I was just going to sit back and think about what was going on with us. I thought that's what you were going to do."
She looked over my shoulder at Derek, and I stepped closer to block her view.
"Nick," she said touching my arm. "I think I'm going to need more than a break this time, okay? You have an impossible work schedule, and I hate being lonely. Why can't you understand that? It's worthless for us to be together if we can never see each other. Just let it go. You'll find someone else. You always do, and maybe she--."
I didn't want to hear anymore. I just walked away. I hurried back to the guys who were busy talking to each other. I'd left my jacket on my stool, and Brian was sitting on it, so I started pulling it out from under him.
"What? Hey!" he protested trying to regain his balance.
"Sorry. I'm going home," I said when I finally got it out. "You guys have a happy New Year. See you in February."
I started with AJ and gave them each a quick hug. Kevin, who was last, didn't let me go.
"What? You can't leave. It's barely 10:30, and what are you gonna do? Drive out there when traffic's a mess at midnight? C'mon Nick, stay," he said. "You have to admit that the five of us have never done this. Let's stay at the bar and drink. It's no big deal. It might even be fun."
"I can't," I said trying to pull away from him. "I really need to go home, Kev. You don't get it. I have to--."
His arm eased up on me, and I turned. Sandy and Derek were walking right in front of us. They were holding hands.
"Shit," I heard Brian say.
Kevin patted my back.
AJ chuckled. "Typical. Why is this so typical of women?"
"I don't know," Howie said. "But it is, and really guys, there's nothing we can do about it. That's how they are. If we were five college guys who hung out together, we'd be getting treated the same way. If we were mechanics, we'd be getting treated the same way. It doesn't really matter who we are."
"As long as they keep treating us like shit," AJ said then turned to me. "Sorry, kid. That's how the cookie crumbles."
I shrugged and tried not to seem too affected. "We're on a break."
Kevin's hand was still on my shoulder. He gave me a tight squeeze. "Yeah. Well, you consider making this break permanent, Frack. How many times has she already pulled this on you, anyway?"
"I'm out in a bar--," I began.
AJ laughed. "Yeah, but you're with us. And unless you and Brian have been lying to us all this time, you have zero to nil chances of getting laid."
Brian shrugged, and they had a good laugh at that one.
But all I could hear was what AJ hadn't said. Sandy's chances of getting laid were one hundred percent.
"Let's get a drink," Brian said. "C'mon Frack, have a drink with us. It'll be fun."
"What? Are you gonna magically make them appear?" I asked. "Kim isn’t exactly speaking to us anymore."
"I made nice with Kim," AJ said with grin. "What do you want?"
"A coke," I said.
"Bud-light," Brian told him. "Get us both Bud-lights."
"Us too," Kevin said.
And that was just the first round. I'm not sure how many beers followed the first. The guys were hurrying me up and making me drink so quickly that I lost count. It wasn't long before the loud, fevered-beat, techno music seemed even louder. And everything that the guys said was even funnier, even Howie's jokes.
"What would happen if the world turned into a huge cube?" he asked.
"It wouldn't be round anymore?" offered Bri.
"No," Howie said. "We'd all be Cubans."
I think only Kevin half-laughed at that.
We ended up crowded around the bar going down memory lane and laughing harder than we had a long time.
"Remember when I fell off the stage?" AJ asked.
I laughed. "Which time?"
"In Barcelona. The time that the security guards didn't even know who we were. They didn't recognize me--."
"And they kept pushing you off the stage," Howie said with a laugh.
"Oh yeah! Poor AJ was struggling to climb back up on the stage, and they'd just push him off," Brian said. "Didn't you have to go get him, Kev?"
Kevin nodded. "Yeah, I had to tell those assholes a thing or two. Weren't you all scraped up afterward?"
AJ nodded. "But I didn't fall off the stage after that. Isn't it funny how you learn?"
"Remember when the bus left Nicky," Howie said. "We were what? In France?"
"Holland," I told him. "I remember clearly being in some tiny town in Holland panicked and crying my eyes out because I didn't know what I'd do."
"Yeah, but Johnny was trying to teach you a lesson ‘cause of that time you hid on the bus, remember?" Kevin asked.
"Oh yeah!" I said when Brian shot me a confused look. "Remember once I hid in the bathroom and made us all run late because everyone was looking for me?"
He finally nodded. "Yeah, and he just yelled up and down at you for getting us off schedule."
"So, when we were in Holland, he thought you were just hiding in the bathroom again," Kevin said.
Brian shook his head. "Sure he did. How'd you get back, again?"
"I met this guy named Sven, and he took me to a phone and showed me how to use those stupid phone cards," I said. "I called Johnny's cell."
"What else did Sven show you?" AJ asked with a laugh. "Wasn't he this huge muscle-bound, body builder guy?"
I nodded. "He drove me all the way to the next town because you guys were such asses and left me behind."
"You were off schedule, baby," Kevin said. "And I bet that you were never off schedule again."
I nodded. "Never again. I remember how Johnny dragged me off his car and went through my pockets to make sure he hadn't planted anything on me. Then he had this long talk with me about what had happened and what could have happened with Sven. Like he really cared."
"If he had cared, he wouldn't have left you," Brian said, seriously. "He would have made sure you were on the bus. You were what? Fifteen?"
"Fourteen. Fourteen and away from home for the first time," I said. "Isn't that when you took to counting heads, Kev?"
He sipped his beer and nodded. "Yeah. I figured if they weren't going to be responsible for us, I'd better be. I mean, if anything had happened to you, I don't know how we would have explained it to your family. Plus, I think that's when it dawned on me that we had better start taking care of each other."
We fell silent as I looked up at them. They were honestly my brothers. I don't know how many times I had said that, but I was always sincere.
"Well, that got all gloomy," Howie said. "Another round."
AJ got up and leaned into the bar. "Kimmy! Another round."
"Shots?" she asked.
"No, four Bud-lights and a Budwieser," then he looked hopefully at Kevin. "Shots?"
I was shaking my head, but AJ was already talking to Kim.
"You okay?" Brian asked.
I nodded. "Fine. I'm starting to feel hot, though."
Kevin chuckled. "You can stay at my place tonight, so relax. It's just the beer."
They gave me a shot of something that tasted like mouthwash then laughed hysterically at me when my face contorted, and I almost spit it out.
"Drink it," Brian said. "Drink it, Frack."
I swallowed hard, and automatically, my stomach got hotter.
"Oh God," I laughed. "That tasted awful. Oh God."
The guys did their shots expertly, without even twisting a grin. The four of them set their glasses on the bar.
Kim smiled at AJ. "One more?"
"Hit me baby. One. More. Time," AJ said.
"No, not me--," I began.
But they all drowned me out with their no's.
This time, we drank the shots together.
"Here's to another great year together, guys. Let's hope the new one is as good but not as hard," Kevin said.
We all touched glasses and drank back the shot. It went down much more easily this time.
Oh God.
Everything looked fuzzier and funnier. I rubbed my eyes and squinted to try to make things clearer, but it didn't work. When I looked up at them, they were laughing.
Brian took my arm. "C'mon man, I have to piss. Then we can find some girls to dance with."
I nodded. "Okay."
I peed for a really long time. Brian was giggling the whole time which made me giggle too. We must have looked like idiots, standing there laughing and peeing.
"Okay," Brian said as we walked back into the club. "The secret to holding your alcohol is taking deep breaths, like this." He sucked in air then let it out like Richard Simmons. "It's all you have to do. Then you don't feel as drunk 'cause you don't let the alcohol muddle your brain."
I nodded and took a deep breath and held it.
Brian laughed. "But let it out Frack! Let it out! You're going to suffocate."
I spit out the air while Brian laughed.
"It's okay," he said. "It's okay. You're brain's already muddled. Just relax and enjoy it. Who do you feel like dancing with?"
I looked around at the same crowd that I had easily rejected little more than an hour ago. It hadn't changed at all.
"Whoever Brian, but I really need to move, okay?"
He nodded. "Yeah, okay. Okay."
He picked two girls who easily went to dance with us. I got the short one, and he got the tall one. I could hardly look down at mine because looking down made me dizzy. She must have thought that I was really stuck up. I didn't care. All that I cared about was that moving helped to conceal the fact that I was dizzy and about ready to fall over.
At one point, someone on the dance floor pushed me. I grabbed on to my dance partner for balance. She struggled to keep us standing and pushed me off.
"Hey!" she protested.
"Sorry," I told her. "Sorry."
My head spun, and I struggled to open my eyes.
"Nice meeting you," I heard Brian saying in his drawl. "We have to, uh, go. Nick!?!"
I forced my eyes open.
He was tugging at my arm. "C'mon, Frack. Let's go. Let's go."
"Why are you in such a hurry?" I asked. "It's not like--."
He was dragging me off the dance floor, but I spotted what he was trying to hide from me. Sandy and Derek were dancing very close to each other. They were kissing.
Brian gave me hard pull. I jerked forward and almost fell.
"Sorry, sorry," he was saying as he pulled me through the crowd. "I just didn't want you to see them like that. Look, forget about it. Forget about her. She's not as interested in you as she is in your money. Once she got her recording contract, she changed. You told me so yourself. Why would you even want anyone like that? Huh? Frack?"
I shook my head. "I don't... I...," but there wasn't anything that I could say.
The guys were still at the bar when we got back. AJ and Kim were having some intense conversation while standing centimeters away from each other's faces. Kevin and Howie were talking to two tall, dark-haired girls who didn't seem to smile.
Brian pushed me into Kev.
"What?" Kevin asked looking up at me. "Oh shit. Oh shit, you're really messed up. Sit down." He said settling me onto his stool.
"This was your bright idea, cuz," Brian said. "Look at him. He can hardly open his eyes."
Kevin laughed. "Stop it Brian. He's okay. He's just drunk. It's not like--."
One of the two girls finally laughed softly and bent over to look at me. "Oh, poor baby. What did you guys give him?"
"Avalanches," Kev said. "He's fine. Aren't you fine, Frack?"
I nodded, then shook my head, then nodded again.
Everything sounded like I was in a tunnel.
"How many?" she asked.
"Three," Kevin told her. "He's okay."
"Three?" I asked not remembering when I had drank the third.
"Well, you'd better be careful. My friend had three or four of those one night, and she ended up in the hospital getting her stomach pumped. And she drinks a lot."
The voices whirled above me, but only the image in my head remained the same. Sandy was kissing that guy.
"We're on a break," I said. "We are on a break."
"Huh?" Howie asked. "You okay?"
I turned to him. His funny face looking funnier than usual.
"We were on a break. If she kisses anyone else, then that's fine," I said. "I'll just make her use lots of mouthwash when she comes back to me. Because she will come back to me. She always does."
Howie tried to smile. "Nicky. Nicky think. She's kissing someone else. That means that she's unfaithful, and--."
"Shut up, Howie. He has no idea what you're saying," Kevin boomed from above us.
"No," Howie said and pulled my face up to make me look at him. "Think Nick. That woman is no longer your girlfriend, and that's okay. You are young, famous and rich. Have you any idea how many girlfriends you could have? Girls who might have some kind of interest in you and not in your--."
Kevin pushed his hands off me. "'D stop. You're not making this better."
I looked up at Kevin, my throat suddenly tightening with sadness and helplessness.
"We're on a break, Kev," I heard myself say. "Lots of couples take breaks."
"Yeah, they do Frack. It's okay," Kev said. "It's okay."
But it wasn't okay. I suddenly felt like the biggest idiot in the whole world. My stomach sank hard, and I felt my temperature flash hot then cold.
"Here," Brian said appearing in front of me with a glass of water. "Drink this. Drink it."
I reached for the glass, but Kevin grabbed it some of it spilled and sprinkled my face. "Don't give him water. It's not going to help him now. It'll just make him feel worse."
I wiped my face.
"Then we're leaving. Help me get him out of here," Brian said.
"You're not leaving. You still have plenty of alcohol in your system, and you can't drive. Just stay," Kevin said. "I'm not drinking anymore, and we'll leave as soon I sober up. Okay?" He bent over and peered into my face. "I forgot that you don't drink, buddy. I'm sorry."
He pushed a drop of water off my cheek with his thumb.
"It's okay," I said then closed my eyes.
The noise was still there, but at least, the visions were gone.
"Open your eyes. Open them," Kevin was demanding. "Don't go to sleep. You can't sleep."
I followed his voice and leaned my head on him. I could smell his leather jacket, his cologne and beer. His hand was on the back of my head.
He let go and shook me hard. "Nick. Open your eyes. You can't sleep this drunk, okay, buddy? You can't. Open your eyes."
I struggled to open my heavy lids. The girls were gone, and we were the only ones left at the bar just like the beginning of the night.
Brian looked scared. "Don't close your eyes anymore, Frack. Let's go walk around."
AJ took the glass of water and pulled out an ice cube. "Chew on that," he said. "Man, you're a mess."
He stuck the ice cube in my mouth, and I think I tired to bite it, then it just sat on my tongue. Each time I bit the ice, the room got darker.
Kevin pulled me up to my feet. "No sleeping," he said. "Stay awake. God, we're never doing this again."
"My birthday's coming up," I said. "We have to go out again. Sandy and I were going to go to Puerto Rico. I don't want to celebrate by myself."
"You won't be by yourself," AJ said. "We'll do something that you might actually enjoy doing like sailing or scuba diving, okay? Kevin just means that we're not getting you drunk anymore."
I nodded. "Oh. Okay."

Kevin drove my truck to a house he had about an hour outside of South Beach. I was leaning on the window half asleep. I couldn't fall completely asleep because he kept nudging me and telling me to stay awake. Brian was following us in Kevin's truck.
"And for you folks who are at home, or on the road this New Year's Eve, let me inform you that we're twenty seconds away from the new millennium. Brace yourselves for the count down, and maybe for the end of the world," the woman on the radio said then chuckled. "Everyone ready? Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Happy New Year! It's the year two thousand. Hope you all have a good one."
Larger than Life started on the radio. Kevin rubbed my shoulder.
"Happy New Year, Nick."
"Happy birthday, Kev."
He chuckled. "Sorry it sucked so bad. What are you gonna do about Sandy?"
"Nothing. She's made her choice," I said. "She said that she couldn't live with my schedule. Sorry you got stuck baby sitting me."
He sighed. "It serves us right for getting you drunk. But Howie's right you know?"
"About what?"
"Women are going to treat you badly no matter who you are. So, the key lies in finding the right one. And not giving your whole heart right away. It takes time to get to know someone. Our problem is that we don't have the luxury of time. But you'll find someone," he said confidently. "We all will."
I nodded and closed my eyes.
"-awake!" he was telling me immediately yanking at my arm. "Stay awake. Baby, you have enough alcohol in your system to make you very sick. Stay awake, or I'll pull over and make you throw up."
I nodded and sat up. "Yeah, okay Kev. Sorry."
The lights on the highway blurred before me but not because I was drunk. He never should have mentioned Sandy. I rubbed my eyes quickly and tried to think about something else, but it was hard. Instead I just gave in to my tiredness and closed my eyes again.
"-of the middle of the road, Brian!" Kevin was yelling. "Don't open the door! He's going to fall out! Brian!" Kevin grabbed on to my arm.
But my passenger door swung open. I squinted at Brian who was looking scared.
"What?" I asked sitting up. "What?"
Kevin swatted at me. "You fell asleep. I told you not to fall asleep. You were out for a solid five minutes. I couldn't get you to wake up."
"He even honked the horn," Brian said.
I looked at Bri then at Kevin. I rubbed my face and closed my eyes. My head felt heavier than even before.
"Scoot," Brian ordered. "Scoot over." He climbed into my seat practically on top of me.
"My truck," Kevin began.
"We can get your truck tomorrow. I'm going to keep him awake. Drive, Kevin."
I moved over as far as I could, but there was no way that we fit into the seat.
"I'm okay," I told him as Kevin started the truck again. "Nothing's going to happen."
"Nothing's going to happen if you stay awake," Brian said settling in. "We shouldn't have let you drink that much. You'd better start talking right now so I know that you're awake."
"What do you want me to talk about?" I asked feeling his elbow in my ribs.
"Whatever. The beach. The tour. I don't care. Do you have any New Year's resolutions?"
I had to think, and it's hard to think when your brain feels like it's drowning.
He nudged me.
"I'm thinking," I told him. "I guess it's to be happy. You?"
"That's a good resolution. I want to stop eating so much junk food because it's so bad for you. I want to get all buff like Kevin, so that I get to be sexiest pop star next year. What do you think?"
Kevin laughed.
"I think it's great," I said.
"Well, how do you plan on being happier?" Kevin asked.
I shrugged and tried to get comfortable in spite of being squashed in my own truck. "I don't know. I guess start settling this mess with Sandy. And just get over her. I don't think I'm really going to be happy until I figure out what she really means to me."
They were quiet after that.
I leaned my head on Brian because the sadness had returned. And for some reason, still unknown to me, I always felt way more vulnerable around him than around anyone else. So, this time, I closed my eyes against the tears that I had been fighting all night long. She was really gone, and there was nothing that I could do.
"It's okay," Brian said pulling closer to him. "You know, everyone gets heartbroken. AJ says it's good for the soul."
"AJ's full of shit," I sobbed. "This hurts too damn much."
"I know, buddy," Brian said. "But it's a lesson that everyone has to learn. Like when you learned to stay on schedule."
"And not to listen to us and get drunk," Kevin said.
"I already knew that," I said more softly than I had intended.
I heard Brian sigh. "We're almost there. Just stay awake for me a little longer, okay?"
I sniffled. "Okay."

I spent a couple of days with them in Miami because I wasn't ready to go sit at home alone. AJ would be having his birthday concert, so we'd all be back in Orlando by the following week anyway. But I must admit that I enjoyed playing golf and hanging around with Kevin and Brian. I think they were still feeling intensely guilty about getting me drunk. They kept me very busy, if only to keep me from thinking about Sandy. I was nothing but grateful, but I knew that eventually, I'd have to confront my time alone.
That time alone began with my four hour drive back to Tampa. I filled up my CD player with music that wasn't too conducive to thinking and started back home early Monday morning.
"Call when you get there," Kevin said.
"And don't talk to strangers or pick up hitch-hikers or guys named Sven," Brian said.
I nodded at him. "Yes Brian. And thanks you guys. Take care."
"Yeah take care. See you on Bone's birthday?" Bri asked.
"Of course. Bye."
"Bye."
I drove and sang my way through three "Best of the 80's" CD's. By the time I was halfway home, I was out of non-thinking music and Lenny Kravitz came on. The songs reminded me so much of Sandy that I had to pull over and load more eighties CD's. What was it with that decade that made people like and write silly music?
I made it home in less than the four hours, and thankfully so. The skies were darkening and the gulf waters were speeding up, sure signs of winter storm.
I checked my mail, my email and went through my mostly empty refrigerator for food when I remembered to call Kev and Brian.
I clicked on the answering machine.
"You have eight messages," said the electronic voice.
First two were from my mom. She wanted to see how New Year's Eve had gone. I knew she was checking up on me because of Sandy. She wanted to make sure the break was still on. Well, I'd have good news for her. The next one was a bunch of silence. The machine beeped again.
"Nick, it's me," Sandy's voice announced. "I just called to make sure that you were okay. I saw the guys dragging you out of the club last night. Just call and let me know that you're all right."
"Yeah right," I muttered.
The machine beeped again.
"Nick it's me," she said again. "Listen, you're really starting to worry me. Why haven't you called? Are you screening your calls? I just want to talk. Call me. Please. Please talk to me."
I sighed and the next message came on.
"Nick it's me," she repeated. "Listen, please--."
I clicked the forward button.
"Nick it's me--."
Didn't she get tired of saying that? I pushed forward again.
There was the silence again, then I heard her sigh.
"Okay. I guess you don't want to talk. Just know that I still care. I really, really do. Even if you've been such a jerk to me always abandoning me, I care. I care about you so much, and it hurts me to think that we're not together anymore. But sometimes, it hurts when we are together, so what's the point, right? I guess I mean shit to you, but I understand. You're famous and rich and gorgeous. I'm just some dumb girl who got lucky when she met you. I'm sorry that I even did meet you."
Finally, she hung up.
I took a deep breath and tried really hard to refocus. We had been through the same ordeal many times. She broke up with me whenever she was feeling neglected. With my schedule, that meant every couple of months. The break ups made my life really crazy because in spite of what she said I really loved her. She was the first real girlfriend that I had ever had. I had never taken anyone else on tour with me or even asked them just be mine. So, her dumping me always made me feel like crap, and that always made the guys crazy. I would end up doing crazy things just to get her back and making promises that I knew I couldn't keep. It got so that I felt like her puppet, and I told her that I needed a break to reevaluate our situation. She had agreed with a smile that I still remember clearly. That was the Wednesday before Christmas. A week and a half later, she was out with Derek for New Year's Eve. How sincere could her concern for me really be?
The phone rang.
"Hello?"
"I told you to call when you got home," Brian scolded. "What? You're just sitting there worrying me needlessly."
"Sorry Brian," I began. "I was just listening to my phone messages. I actually just walked in. I was going to call you."
"Yeah, sure. Okay, but you're home. You okay? Everything okay at home?"
"Yes, everything's cool," I said purposely avoiding any mention of Sandy. "You guys all right?"
"Yeah. I'm going up to New York tomorrow to stay with Leigh Anne until Bone's thing. So, call me there if you need anything. And Kevin's going back to Orlando tomorrow too, so now you know where he is. Just in case--."
"Brian, I'm fine. Everything's fine. I'll probably just hang out here and play with my dogs. Which reminds me that I have to pick them up before the storm hits. Maybe, I'll go to California after Bone's thing, but I'm fine. Everything's fine."
"Okay," he said seemingly satisfied. "That's cool. Take care of yourself over there. And call me, okay?"
"Okay, I will. Bye Brian."
"Bye Frack."
The storm passed me up that night, and all we got a was a little rain. I got to spend the night on the back porch watching the stars. My dogs slept comfortably inside, but I decided to camp out in the moist air, if just not to be cooped up. Besides, I hadn't gotten a beach house to spend all my time indoors. It struck me then that the reason people drank was to feel outside themselves and not deal with what was directly in front of them. They should try spending the night on the beach. The heavens were full of so many stars and the water sang so many songs that no one could feel bad about anything, not even me.

A couple of days later, Howie called me.
"For dinner?" I found myself repeating.
"Yeah, man. For dinner. C'mon, it'll be fun," Howie said.
"But," I began trying to think of why he would even do such a thing.
"But nothing. You are sitting there alone, or with those dogs, and have you even eaten? I mean besides McDonalds?"
"Sure. There's a Long John Silver's nearby, and I go there just to think of Brian. Yes, I've been eating Howie. But you guys are doing some family thing. I'm going to feel out of place."
"Nicky, at my house, family dinners are normal. We do it every day. And I thought we were family. Don't tell me all that, 'We're like brothers,' is a bunch of lies."
"No," I said into the receiver and realized that I had run out of options.
"Don't make me put my mom on the line," Howie said. "Because I will, and she can convince anyone to do anything."
"It's okay," I said. "I'll go. Thanks for inviting me. What do I bring?"
"Yourself. Okay?"
"Sure. Okay."
"See you at six."
I nodded. "Bye."
That was odd. Howie had never invited me to his house. I had never invited him to my house. If anything, at the beginning, we spent time together at AJ's house. And Howie's family was famous for being united, strong and loving. I had been without my own family long enough to cherish my time with them and without them.
"Nicky!" Mrs. Dorough greeting pulling me into her arms. "How are you? You're so tall. Are you taller than Kevin now?"
"Naw," I said returning her hug and being careful of the flowers and sparking grape juice I had taken. "Probably won't be, either. How are you?"
"Wonderful," she said. "I'm so happy Howard invited you. And that you said yes. Thank you!" she said taking the flowers and juice from me.
Their house was beautiful in the way a home full of cherished memories is beautiful. Pictures of Howie and his siblings abounded. Little knickknacks from Puerto Rico and Ireland filled the end tables and walls. Their couches looked used and comfortable. Mine were still brand new.
"Hey Frack," Howie greeted finally coming out to meet me. "Glad you're here. Wanna play video games."
"Uh, shouldn't we help your mom?" I asked since at home, dinner was never made by one person alone.
Howie laughed. "No. My sister and my cousin are helping her. C'mon."
I followed him to a den that was even more lived-in than the living room. He surprised me with all of my favorite video games then made no effort to beat me at any of them.
Things were getting stranger by the minute.
"How are you doing with the Sandy thing? Has she called?" he asked.
"Yeah. Well, she called after New Year's Evil. But I didn't return her call. She saw you guys dragging me out of the club."
"New Year's Evil?"
I nodded. "It's what I've started calling that night. Man, can you even believe she had the nerve to call me after that? Why even? I don't get it."
"I don't get it either. I don't pretend to. What's the point? I just decided that I will never be as fortunate as I am right now in my career, my financial status, and my social life. So, I decided to enjoy what I have for whatever that's worth," he said. "I'd love to settle down like Brian, but if I don't, no big deal. Maybe I'll settle down when I'm thirty."
"Yeah, but that bar thing really sucked, 'D. What's the point of standing around trying to impress girls who have to clue what you're about inside?"
He shrugged. "I don't know, buddy. But it's fun."
"Not when you're unconscious."
He chuckled. "Yeah, that was bad. Sorry. But Kevin and I never go to get plastered. We just go have fun."'
"Kevin? Kevin, doesn't need to go there to have fun. I thought he had already met the love of his life. Isn’t he back with Angel? Why is he even out there?"
"Nope, they broke up again. And well, things change between people, Frack. I mean, he also realizes that life will never be this good again. He will never be this young and this popular again. Why not enjoy it?"
"Well, I guess you'd have to define enjoyment for me. Maybe I just don't get it."
"Maybe," he conceded. "Maybe you will eventually. We've left you out of the clubbing thing because you're so young. You're turning what? Twenty-one this year?"
"Twenty," I told him. "And it's okay if you keep leaving me out. Really."
He chuckled. "Okay."
It wasn't long before his mother came and got us to go eat. At my house, my mother used to scream at the top of her lungs to get us to eat. It was unheard of for her to go from room to room trying to gather the five of us.
But we were seated at the dinner table, which was set perfectly. My flowers adorned the center and everything smelled like Thanksgiving.
They even said grace.
Then Howie made a quick re-introduction of his brother and sisters. I'd met them before, but I had forgotten their names.
"And this is my cousin Karina," he said motioning to a tall, slender girl with long brown hair sitting across from me. "She's visiting us from Puerto Rico. She'll be here until February."
She smiled, showing off the bright, perfectly straight that seemed to run in the Dorough family.
"Hi," she said. "I'm a big fan."
"Oh thanks," I said. "I guess you'd have to be since Howie's your cousin."
She smiled.
They all fell silent and watched us. I smiled. It began to dawn on me then that this was Howie's idea of a set up. I knew his family as lively and talkative. That night, they spent the entire dinner talking to and about Karina.
"Karina is the prima ballerina at her school," Mrs. Dorough said. "How long have you been dancing, chiquita?"
"Ten years now, since I was eight," Karina said. "I love it. I plan to come to college in the States and hopefully find my way into a dance school."
I nodded.
"And she has the highest GPA at her school, right Karina?" Howie said.
She smiled. "Yeah. I'm such a nerd. All I have time to do is study."
"And be homecoming queen," Howie said.
She blushed.
"And can you believe that she has time to volunteer at the homeless shelter, what? Twice a week?" asked Mrs. Dorough.
"Twice a month, tia," Karina said with a laugh. "Just twice month."
"She’s a good girl," Mrs. Dorough continued. "We’re all very proud of her, Nick. We really are. Very few kids respond to her parents the way that she has. She has a lot of common with you and Howie in that you make us all so proud."
Howie grinned. "Thanks mom!"
By this time, I had put my fork down. "Wow, well congratulations on all that talent."
"Are you full, honey?" Mrs. Dorough asked.
I shook my head. "I'm just taking a break so that I can finish everything. It's so delicious. Thank you. What do you plan to study in college?"
She shrugged. "Medicine. My mom wants me to be a doctor, but I'd love to be a artist. I love to paint. Howie tells me that you like to draw."
"Yeah, I doodle here and there. It's just a hobby. I'm not that good. You know, if you work really hard, you could do both things. You really don't have to make up your mind to be one thing anymore," I said.
She nodded, glossy hair slipping off her shoulder. "Yeah. You're right."
We both fell silent then, and I went back to cleaning my plate. All that got me was a second helping.
"Karina made the dessert," Mrs. Dorough said. "So leave some room, Nick."
"Wow. You cook too?"
"It's just chocolate cake," she said. "My grandmother gave the recipie. I made it last time Howie was in Puerto Rico."
"And I ate the whole thing," Howie said. "You'll like it."
'I bet,' I thought.
The cake was perfect and delicious. And it didn't surprise me when Howie and everyone else cleaned up after dinner, and Karina and I were shooed into the den.
"Want to play video games?" she asked.
"No. I'm all video gamed out."
She nodded settling next to me on the squashy couch.
"I like Mario Cars," she said. "It's my favorite. I'm not very good since I only play with my little bother."
"Mario Kart," I corrected gently.
"Oh, yeah."
I was silent since I had decided to let them hang themselves. They weren't the only ones who had tried to set me up with a pretty relative. And though I truly appreciated Howie's effort to put an end to my new loneliness, I was no where near ready to start a new relationship.
I touched my stomach. "I'm full. Your aunt's a really good cook. Does she always cook such fancy meals?"
"Mostly when they have company or a special occasion."
"So, am I company or a special occasion?" I asked.
She looked confused. "What?"
"Yeah, I mean, were you already having a special dinner? Or was inviting me special? It shouldn't be as long as I've known Howie."
"I don't know," she said. "I just thought that..."
I chuckled. "What?"
"I don't know. I mean, it was Howie's idea to invite you. I thought he did it a lot. He doesn't?"
"No," I told her. "This is the first time I've had dinner here."
She sighed then she shook her head. "Well, I'm sorry then. I told him that I wanted to meet you, and he mentioned that you were single. I didn't think it would be that big a deal."
"It's not."
"Well, you sound, uh, resentful."
I sucked in air and stood up. "I'm not resentful. I'm just okay. I don't understand why they don't understand that. I don't need to be set up or taken care of. I'm fine."
She blinked at me. "Well, I'm sorry. I just thought--."
Howie peeked into the den. "Anybody want more cake?"
I shook my head. "I'd better go, 'D. Where's your mom so I can say good-bye."
He was silent for second. "Already? Everything okay, Nick?"
I tried not to clench my teeth. "Everything's fine. I just left the dogs outside, and it's getting late. Besides, I don't want to out-stay my welcome."
He nodded. "She's in the living room. I'll walk you out."
"It was nice meeting you," I told Karina. "Good luck with all your goals."
"Thanks," she mumbled.
"Next time, don't go setting me up," I whispered to Howie as we went down the hallway. "She's very nice and very pretty, but I need--."
"Hey," he began. "I just thought--."
"Don't think anymore, please. And it really sucks that this is the only reason why you'd even invite me over." I said and hurried into the living room to say good-bye.

The phone was ringing when I got inside.
"Hello?"
There was silence for a second. "Nick?"
Ugh.
"Sandy. Hey," I said as casually as I could though my heart made a huge thud.
"Hi. I've been calling for awhile now."
It had been five days since New Year's Evil.
"Well, your last message made it sound like you wouldn't be anymore."
"Oh," she said. "Okay. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay."
"I'm fine."
The line clicked signaling that I had another call.
"I think that's my mom," I told her. "I'd better get it."
"Okay. Okay, bye."
I pushed the flash button.
"Hello?"
"Nick, it's Kev. How's it going?"
"Kevin. Hey, what's up?"
"No, nothing," he said. "I just called--."
I cut him off because I knew. "To check up on me?"
"Um, well, sure. I called to make sure that you're okay."
Geez.
"I'm okay. I'm okay, okay Kev? Everything is okay. What's the deal with you guys? Sandy and I have broken up before. What's going on with you?'
"With me, nothing," he said. "I don't know what's gotten you all upset, but I'm just calling to see if you need anything. There's a storm coming. You wanna come up?"
"A storm? In the beginning of January? It's fine. Everything's fine. I've lived near the beach all my life, hurricanes, and storms. None of it scares me. What scares me is you guys tip-toeing around me like that. Level with me, Kevin. What? What's going on?"
He hesitated. "Baby, nothing is going on, okay? I don't know who else is tip-toeing around you or what. But I'm not. I just know how hard it is to let go of someone special. I mean, to really let go of them. You are letting go of her, aren't you?"
"Yes, Kevin. I just cut her off to pick up this very important phone call from you."
I heard him sigh loudly. "She's still calling you?"
"Yeah. I was thinking about changing my number but then I wouldn't be getting set up by Howie and these check up calls from you."
"Nick, I'm just concerned, okay? Man, if I had known you were going to be such a bitch I never would have called you."
I bit my lip. "Sorry. I'm sorry. I just got too many damn things on my mind, Kev. The storm's the least of my concerns. They're never bad in the winter. I'll be fine."
"If you're sure," he said. "You know you can come up whenever you want. It might be better if you're not at home alone."
"I'm fine."
He waited to see if I had anything else to say. I didn't.
"Okay. Okay, baby. Listen, please take good care of yourself. Don't stay there if things get bad. And I don't just mean the storm."
"Yes, Kevin."
He sighed. "Bye."
"Bye."
That did it.
Though I loved the guys dearly and couldn't envision my life without them, I hated being thought of as incompetent. I was known for being a little silly, forgetful and naive. But I wasn't dumb. Yes, I had taken Sandy back quite a few times after one of her fits. On occasion, I had cried on the phone to her, begged her, sent her flowers. And they had seen all of it. But I had never seen her with another guy. That had been enough to convince me that things were over. I didn't need anything else. All I wanted and needed was down time to regroup. That's how dealt with everything. I couldn't believe that they didn't understand that.
It struck me then that there was an easy way to figure it all out. AJ never lied to me. He was physically incapable of lying to anyone.

The next morning, I hurried to his place while the once again darkening clouds raced toward the Gulf. The full storm hadn't hit again, and I didn't think it would. But it had rained for a while in the afternoon just it had the past few days. I actually heard that things were worse farther north. The days were warm and moist with the nights nothing but mild. If I wasn't so fuzzy-headed from Sandy, Kevin and Howie's bizarre exploits I would have realized that it was pure Florida storm weather.
I must have knocked on his door ten times.
He opened up in his underwear with this lost look on his face.
"Frack?"
I nodded. "Hey, Jay. You busy?"
"Uh, busy sleeping. You--."
"I'm okay. Can I come in?"
He moved to the side to let me in. I handed him the coffee I had brought because I knew better than to barge in on him without baring gifts.
"This is a surprise," he said taking a sip of the expensive blend I had driven all over Orlando for. "A pleasant surprise. What's going on?"
I sat down on one of his funky chairs. "Um, I was hoping you could tell me, Bone."
He sat down in front of me. "Tell you what?"
"Drink the coffee. It's good, huh?"
"It's great. What's going on, Nikolas?"
"Howie and Kevin are acting really strange. Howie just tried to set me up with one of his cousins. A really pretty one that you'd think he'd keep away from me. And Kevin called me last night to make sure I was okay."
"That's normal for Kev," AJ said.
"He called me baby."
He swallowed a big gulp of coffee. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. Twice. C'mon, what's up? Brian left for New York, and he hasn't looked back. That's normal for him. But it's not normal for those two to be this concerned about me. What gives?"
He sipped his coffee, put it down and ran his hands through his messy hair.
"Um, um, um," AJ began. "Well Nick, it's like this. Let me tell you that New Year's Eve was not an unplanned event."
"Okay. Explain."
"Yeah, well, we had all agreed to show up that night and to take you there."
"Because?"
He looked at the floor.
I gave him a light punch in the arm. "AJ? Because?"
"Because Kevin, Howie and me had seen Sandy there last month with that guy and we didn't want to tell you because we wanted you to see for yourself and so we waited until New Year's Eve," he said in one breath.
I sat back. It washed over me quickly with every possible reasoning flashing through my mind. They were concerned. They thought I wouldn't believe them. They were drunk and didn't think things through. They had been abducted by aliens and their memories had been erased.
They were assholes.
"Brian knew too?" I finally asked.
"Well, that's why he took you to dance. To make sure that you saw them together."
"And getting me drunk?"
"We just didn't want you to leave," he said. "Nick, c'mon. Nobody meant anything bad by it. How many times have we bad-mouthed Sandy, and you haven't believed us? We figured it was just better for you to see for yourself. And the guys left a whole month in there for her to stop cheating on you."
"They knew for whole month and waited? Wow. Thanks."
"Nick--."
I got up and started toward the door. My body ran hot and cold then numb.
"Nick. Nick listen, women are like that. Look at what Julie is doing to me. She swore all kinds of undying love, and now all I get is a bunch of shit and threats from her. You don’t need that. Make a clean break with Sandy now."
"Whatever, AJ," I said. "Whatever."
"Frack, wait, wait, wait. You smelled this whole thing out and just came here to get it out of me, huh? That's not fair. You knew that I wouldn't lie."
"You did lie."
"No. I just didn't tell you, baby. We were just protecting you because that girl has always been too busy screwing you over."
I grabbed the door knob, but he pushed his small frame against the door.
"You lied, AJ. Not telling the truth is a lie. It's a lie. I don't care what you say."
He sighed. "Yeah, okay. We lied. But we did it for your own good. We did it with the best of intentions. And what does it matter now if you're not together?"
"Let me go," I told him and yanked at the knob.
"Nick! C'mon--."
I pulled at the door, and he jerked forward because he weighed all of twenty pounds.
"Shit," he said under his breath.

"-and you know that we all meant well. We would never do anything to hurt you or mess up something that was truly good. But you know, and have known for a long time, that things with Sandy are not good for you. I've told you, we've all told you, and Sandy has proven it time and time again. This time, we all talked about it and decided that you needed to see with your own eyes. Not because you wouldn't believe us, but because it was just better that way, Frack," was what I walked into coming out of my answering machine when I got home.
"So," Brian continued. "Please, please understand why we did what we did. We didn't mean any harm. You know I would never be involved in something that I thought might hurt you. You know that." He sighed. "Okay. I guess you're really not home. Please, please call me. I’ll be at Kevin’s by tonight. And don't be mad at us. Okay? Okay. Talk to you soon."
News did travel fast.
I sat down on the coffee table and listened to the machine beep while the little red light turned on and flashed a number five. I wondered who my other four messages were from.
I pushed the button.
"Nick, it's AJ. Look, you mad? Don't be mad. C'mon. Um, call me. Okay?"
Beep.
"Hey Nicky, it's Howie. Guess you already talked to AJ, huh? Listen, I'm truly, truly sorry that we didn't tell you from the beginning. Call me so we can talk. Okay? Bye."
Beep.
"Baby listen--," Kevin began, but I pushed the forward button.
Beep.
"Hi Nick," Sandy said. "I knew I said that I wouldn't call anymore, but I couldn't help it. I really miss you." She sniffled. "I wish we could just talk. Please call me. I'll be home all day. I love you."
I rubbed my temples and my face trying to make it all make sense. I had loved Sandy, immensely, intensely and blindly because I had to. I knew that. I have given her everything that she wanted, including my fidelity because I just wanted to be in love. Though I was in and out of the country and rarely knew what was coming the next day, I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be in a relationship and begin sentences by saying, "You know, my girlfriend and I..."
She wasn't the one, and maybe I had known that all along. I knew that people who loved you didn’t make crazy, impossible demands on you. But I wanted it. I wanted it that badly.
Now, I looked like a fool in front of the four people that I spent most time with and whose opinions mattered most. I don't know how many times I let them guide me through everything, give me advice and even make decisions for me. I wanted Sandy and my relationship with her to be something independent, something adult that I controlled. But I couldn't even have that. I guess I was never going to be grown up enough for them. I was always going to be stupid, little, baby Nicky.
I closed my eyes and pressed them tight hoping that I could open them and start all over.
I sucked in air. There was no way that I was going to go backward.
I picked up the phone and dialed the number I knew by heart.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me," I told her.
"Nick? Hi. How are you?"
"I'm okay. You?" I asked.
"I'm fine," she said voice shaking slightly. "I didn't think that you'd call."
"I've just been thinking a lot," I said. "Can I go over?"
"Sure. I'll be here."
I hung up without saying good-bye.

We talked for a very long time. She cried a lot. I fell silent a lot. It had begun to rain outside again, and I had gotten to wondering if that storm was finally going to hit when she leaned over and kissed me. I kissed her back, and in no time things were out of control. She was all over me, pushing and pulling while clothes flew. I closed my eyes tight to let myself get carried away in the moment because I desperately needed some sort of release. And sexual was good enough. We had done this many times, but back then I had been in love with her. And somewhere inside, a little voice kept telling me that this was a trap.
I stopped her hands. "We'd better not, Sandy. It's not a good idea."
She pouted then smiled. "Why?"
"Well, we're not even together, and I don't know if we ever will be again."
She sighed blowing a strand of hair off her face. "I don't care if we're together. I want you. I've always wanted you."
I moved away from her and got to looking for my things.
"What about Derek?" I asked.
"The only reason that I'm with Derek is that he can be here, Nick. Derek lives in town, and I can see him everyday. That's the only reason that I even went out with him."
I nodded. "Well, you've always known who I am. I'm not leaving my career for--."
"For me? I'm not worth that to you, I know. I've learned to accept it. Fine, I do."
"It's not that," I began. "It's too many things. You want way more than I can give you right now."
Her expression chilled. "You have what I want right now."
I wanted to laugh but tried really hard to be serious. "It's not about sex, okay? I made a mistake coming here. I thought that maybe we could work things out, that you could understand and accept my life."
She looked about herself and began to cover up. "I thought that you had decided it wasn't going to work when you saw me on New Year's Eve. I didn't think this was about what we were going through in the past. I thought you were mad because I had gone out with Derek that one time."
"One time?"
She shrugged. "New Year's Eve was the first time that I went out with him. I was your girlfriend before that. I was too busy sitting around waiting for you to call."
"You'd never gone out with him before?" I asked.
"No."
"Where'd you meet him?"
"He's a friend of my brother's. Derek told him that he'd been wanting to ask me out for awhile, but he knew that we were together. My brother gave me his number, and I called him when you told me that you needed a break," she said.
"And you'd never gone out with him before?"
"No."
"Never?"
"Never Nick! Why? What's with all the questions."
I half-laughed and leaned back on the couch. "The guys saw you, Sandy."
"What guys? What guys saw me doing what?"
"The guys. Kevin, Howie and AJ, I think, saw you in South Beach with that same guy last month. I know you've known him longer than a couple of weeks. Why are you lying to me? We're not even together."
He face turned pink, and she started to fix her hair. "That wasn't me. They lied to you because they hate me. They always have. You know that."
I shook my head. "I don't know a lot of things, Sandy. I don't know why I ever waited to long to break up with you when you made things so difficult all the time. I don't know why the guys still treat me like a little kid sometimes. But I know that they wouldn't lie to me. They saw you there with him last month."
She stood up and walked around the living room pretending to be looking for something, or I don't know what. She looked like a caged animal, desperate and lost. I finished buttoning up my shirt and adjusting my jeans.
"I'd better go," I told her standing up. "It's getting late, and I shouldn't have come here at all."
She stopped and looked at me, tears in her eyes once again. "I love you, Nick. I don't care what anyone says about me or what you think."
I stepped around her. "Love is not about lying."
"I didn't lie! You lied! You told me that you'd have time for me, that we could be together, but we weren't."
I shook my head and headed for the door, but she grabbed my arm.
"You can't just leave me like this! I love you. I love you."
I pulled my arm away. "Sandy, stop it. You don't love me. You don't even know what love is. You just want to have your way."
The tears slid down her face and she quickly pushed them away. "I waited for you, every single day. I waited for your stupid phone calls, your emails, your messages. I just waited and waited--."
"Well, I'm sorry--."
"You're not sorry! You just wanted somebody to fuck. You knew that things would be easy with me because you're famous. You--."
I had to stop her right there. "No. No, I didn't. I even told you that we could wait on having sex because I knew that I was never around. Besides, these days finding somebody to fuck is easy. I wanted to somebody to love. And somebody who would love me back."
She gasped, then she shook her head bitterly.
"You never thought about me," I told her. "You only thought about yourself. Wanted things your way, did whatever you wanted, dumped me whenever the urge struck you. How can you say that you loved me? You don’t. You didn’t."
"You were never there to love. That’s not my fault."
I had had enough. "You're just not that person, and you never were. I'm just sorry that it took me so long to figure that out. And I am sorry that I wasted your time and mine. It's a good thing for you that Derek lives in town. I hope you guys are happy."
My heart was pounding against my chest. She had said more than I could stand, and I think she knew that. She stayed silent as I walked out in the rain.
I didn't want to go home. The thought of being alone made the pit in my stomach feel even deeper. I hated confrontations, especially with girls. They never made any sense when they were upset, or maybe I didn't.
I sighed and put the wind shield wipers on high against the rain. It was falling hard, but my truck would handle it.
I decided to get to Orlando. Kevin told me to come up whenever I needed to, and I had no desire to be alone. I knew then that they had just been standing up for me. It's what older brothers are supposed to do.
The rain was much heavier as I got closer to Orlando. It seemed like most of the storm hadn't waited to make it to the Gulf. Its fury emptied all over the road practically flooding it. The highway was clear since it was well past midnight. I hadn't realized just how much time I had wasted at Sandy's. I wondered if Kevin would even be home. The windshield wipers could hardly cut through the rain, and all the lights looked blurred. I thought about going back, but I was too close. I eased my foot off the gas and leaned forward. If I squinted really hard, things looked clearer. But there was no one else on the dimly-lit roads, so I could hardly see where I was going.
I felt a huge bump and slammed on the breaks. At first, I thought that I might have hit something, so I hurried off the truck. Part of the pavement had washed out under my tires.
"Shit," I muttered.
I got back on, and started the truck again. As I slowly hit the gas, the tires just rotated in the mud, water and broken up pavement. I moved the steering while gently from one side to the other, but the tires wouldn’t budge. I had an all-terrain vehicle. Didn't that include huge pot holes?
I pushed harder on the gas, and this time, felt my truck sink lower. I slammed forward when I hit the breaks and bumped my head on the steering wheel since I hadn't bothered to put on the seat belt.
"No," I heard myself saying. "No, no, no."
I put the truck in reverse and pressed on gas. The tires roared, and I saw mud fly everywhere. I pushed the gas pedal down lower. Something groaned then cracked. I immediately put it back in park.
Think. I had to think. The stupid truck could be used for off-roading, it had to make it through. The rain got harder and I felt the wind slightly rock my truck.
I tried once more with it in drive. This time, I jerked forward so hard and so fast that I bumped my head again, and I actually felt the Earth move under me. I dug desperately for my cell phone and climbed off as the crack in the pavement got deeper. I hurried to the other side of the empty road leaving my truck partially imbedded in the highway.
I dialed Kevin's number on the cell phone. The phone pad light up as I dialed the digits then rang once and went dead. I hadn't charged it. I always forgot to charge it because I never used it.
"Shit!"
I dialed again. Surely I could get through on what little battery I had left. It rang twice this time, then fell silent.
The rain pelted my head hard, and quickly made all of my clothes stick to me. I was soaked in under five minutes. I could feel my hair matted against my head. There were lights up ahead, but I was going to have a long walk to get to them. I felt a dull ache in my head from the two times I hit the steering wheel. I hurried up the road, hoping and praying that someone would see me and stop before I had to run all the way up the highway. Though it wasn't cold outside, the wind was really kicking up making it hard for me to hurry against the rain.
I tried my dead cell phone three more times before chucking it into the road.
I don't know how long I walked, but I was numb from the wind and the rain and half-deaf from the thunder when I heard a siren, then a police car stopped next to me.
"Sir? Are you all right, sir?"
I squinted at the driver and pushed my wet hair out of my face. "I, uh...," I began.
"Is that your truck back there?"
I nodded.
He killed the engine and climbed off.
"Are you all right? Do you need any medical assistance?"
"No. The truck just sank," I said.
He nodded. "I'll take you to the station, son. Maybe you can call your parents."
I nodded and followed him to the car. He handed me a blanket and drove me a short distance up the road to the station. I was shivering by the time we got there, but hadn't even said word one to him.
"Who do you want me to call?" he asked when I sat next to his desk. I felt like a lost kid. "Your parents?"
"My parents live in California. But my friend lives here in town."
"What's his name?"
"Kevin Richardson," I told him.
"You know the number?"
I recited the digits, and he dialed.
"Kevin Richardson?" he asked. "This is the Metro Orlando Police Department. Please hold."
"Kevin?" I said trying to hold the phone in my shaking hand.
He was panicked. "Nick?!? What is it? Are you okay? What happened?"
"The truck sank," I began. "I was on my way to stay with you, and the road washed out. It was raining. I was walking when they picked me up. I’m at--." I looked up at the officer.
He took the phone from me and told Kevin where I was and what had happened.
"He'll be here," he told me handing me cup of coffee. "How'd you get that bump on your head?"
I had forgotten.
"Steering wheel," I said finally reaching up to touch a swollen knot on my forehead.
He nodded, wrinkling his brow, then shook his head. "It looks okay. You feel okay?"
"Yes, sir," I said.
I sat back and watched my tennis shoes drip dirty water onto the floor. It was Holland all over again. I was alone, scared and feeling stupid. Why didn't things ever change? Why didn't I ever grow up? I got older but never smarter.
I sank lower into the chair.
"Here, son," the officer said putting an ice pack in front of me.
I just looked at it.
"It's for your head. You got a big knot there." He took the untouched cup of coffee from me.
"Thanks," I said and felt a huge flash of pain when I put it to my forehead. I closed my eyes for a second.
"You're one of those Backstreet Boys guys, aren't you?" he asked.
I nodded. "Yeah."
"My little sister loves you guys. Good love songs."
"Thanks."
"She'd freak if she saw you here. I thought you guys ran around with all sorts of body guards and were never alone."
"We're on a break," I said. "I try to have a normal life when I'm on a break."
He chuckled. "You try?"
"It doesn't always work out."
His looked curious, but I was in no mood to talk.
"Are you dizzy?" he asked.
"No."
"Queasy?"
"No. Why?"
"Could be real head injury. How long were you out there?"
"I'm not sure."
He nodded and finally seemed to realize that I was empty inside and had nothing to say.
Not ten minutes later, I saw Kevin coming through the desks at me. A strange little noise escaped my throat when I realized that Brian was right behind him. But I fought hard against every urge to bawl like I had when I had gotten back on the bus after Sven dropped me off. I had been fourteen then, and it had been okay. Now, too many things had happened, and I was too tired of getting lost and being left behind.
I didn't move, still holding the blanket tightly around myself with one hand and the ice pack to my head with the other.
"Nick," Brian said getting to me first. "What happened? Are you all right?"
I nodded. Kevin was talking to the officer.
I heard him say that my truck was being towed to the station and that the road had been closed. He told Kevin that I seemed okay but to watch to make sure I hadn't really hurt my head.
"Frack?" he said finally turning to me. "You okay? You're soaked. I brought you clothes, baby."
Brian sat down next to me and turned my face to him to look at my knot.
"That's a nasty bump," he said. "How'd you get that? Does it hurt?"
I shrugged and looked back down at my shoes just wanting to disappear, be dry and alone somewhere else.
Kevin put the gym bag in front of me. "Change. You'll get sick like that. Okay?"
I nodded, and the officer pointed me to the bathroom. Brian got up to follow me.
"I'm okay, Bri," I said. "I'll be right back."
He nodded. "Okay. Okay man. Hurry up."
I nodded again and took the gym bag from Kev.
I was having a very hard time collecting myself and keeping it together. I rubbed my face with hot water before changing out of my wet clothes. It all kept going through my head: Sandy, the guys’ involvement, my own immaturity, my dumb luck. Things were just getting too hard, and I was no longer at an age where I could just grin and bare it. I looked at myself in the mirror in Kevin’s clothes. It was all still kind of big on me, even though we were about the same height.
"Keep him warm and watch that bump," the officer said as we walked out after giving him autographs. "He didn't want to call his parents, but he's okay."
"Thank you, sir," Kevin said and pulled me. "C'mon. Want me to take you back to Tampa?"
"It’s too late," I said. "Can’t I just stay with you?"
"You don’t have to ask. You feel okay?" he asked. "You sure you don’t want to see a doctor?"
"No. I don’t. It’s nothing."
"You want to get something to eat?" Brian asked as we got into the truck.
"No thanks," I said.
I made him sit next to Kevin and leaned on the window silently all the way back.
Though Kevin had plenty of room upstairs, Brian and I camped out downstairs. I insisted that I just wanted to watch TV. He just followed my lead and stayed close to me. It wasn’t like when we were on tour and could have double occupancy rooms so we could sit up and talk. I wasn’t much for talking anyway. I was still feeling the after-effects of everything that had happened.
"You getting Bone a present?" he asked casually.
I was stretched out the couch while he sat Indian-style on the floor in front of me.
"I don’t know what," I said. "Maybe I’ll just take him out to dinner. You?"
"I’m giving him a hat," Brian said. "I got brave and bought him the most outrageous hat that I could find. It’s purple and has feathers and glitter."
"No lie?" I asked.
He chuckled. "Just kidding. I bought him University of Kentucky cap. I mean, I don’t know if he’ll wear it, but what can you get him? When it’s Kev or Howie, I know to get them clothes. You’re happy with video games and CD’s. It’s tough to shop for him."
"Yeah," I said.
"He was worried about telling you what we had done. He called me in New York all freaked out, saying that you were very pissed off. That you even pushed him. I think he called everybody," Brian said.
He waited for me to say something, but I didn’t.
"That’s why I got on the first plane I could and came back here," he said. "I was going to go see you tomorrow, so we could talk. I called you a couple of times, but you weren’t home. Or you weren’t answering the phone."
"I wasn’t home."
"Where’d you go?"
"With Sandy."
"Oh," he said then took almost a minute to speak again. "Things okay with you guys?"
"No, Brian."
"Um-huh. You okay with that?"
I didn’t answer.
"You want me just to be quiet now?" he asked.
But I couldn’t answer him. It all landed on me like a ton of breaks. My throat closed up, and I began cry harder than I had in long time. I buried my face in my pillow and tried not to make any noise, but Brian immediately knew.
"Oh Frack," he said softly. "Don’t. Don’t be upset over her."
"It’s not her," I managed to sob. "It’s not just her."
"You still mad at us?"
"No."
"Then what?"
That’s what I didn’t have an answer to. Then what? What was it about me and my life that made me screw up so easily?
"You know," Brian began in that reassuring voice that I had always listened to when I was down. "I don’t know how you handle everything sometimes. You’re so good handling all the limelight. You’re always the one dealing with all the girls, and the first one who wants to talk to the reporters. It’s so easy for you to deal with things that don’t touch your insides. But Nick, all this other stuff, your family, girlfriends, us is harder to deal with, and that’s okay. You know, you’re so much younger and have seen so many more things, that you should be this screwed up, druggie, has-been by now. But you’re not. You’re learning how to handle everything that comes your way. But be patient with yourself, because it doesn’t come over night."
I held on tighter to the pillow and tried to get it together.
"Sometimes, I see you, and you live in these two worlds," he continued. "You have your family, Sandy, us, and you keep it away from everything else. That’s your world. Then you have your job. That’s the real world. And you are a different person there, Nick. We all are. We have to be. Sometimes, things suck in the real world. Sometimes, they suck in your world. And whether you like it or not, you have to juggle both of them. It’s hard, I know. But you have to give yourself a break when things suck. Don’t pressure yourself, don’t listen to us if you don’t want to, but just take care. Take care of yourself."
"I try," I said.
He sighed, and I heard him shift his position on the floor. He told hold of my arm. "I know. I know you do. But you’d better remember that you are still very young, and you have whole lot to learn. And that sometimes, you have to be careful because people won’t look out for you, Nick. Not girlfriends. Not outsiders. Not friendly strangers. You have to take care of yourself. I hate to tell you this, but there will be more Sandy’s. And we will probably all meddle in your life for what we think is your own sake. Even when you’re thirty, we’re going to be acting like your big brothers. Even if you hate it."
I sucked in air and rubbed my face.
"I don’t hate it," I told him. "I think I actually need it."
"I think we need it," he said. "We need it even more. We wouldn’t get involved in your life if we didn’t care. You know that."
"I know."

AJ’s birthday concert rolled around. We all showed up early to watch him transform himself in Johnny Suede. He was eccentric. We had always known that. This was just something he would enjoy.

Leigh Anne flew into town and hooked on to Brian as soon as she got there. Kevin seemed to have found his way back with Angel, and they stood together like time hadn’t passed, and they had always been together.

I wondered how they could do that. Time, distance, personal and professional differences came and went between them. He often said that he was done trying to work things out with her. Then, he’d show up with her like nothing had ever been wrong. It really wasn’t what I wanted for myself.

Howie, AJ and I were stag.

"Happy birthday, AJ!" I heard a familiar voice say.
We were sitting backstage eating and talking with security and band guys.

"Uh, uh, thanks," Bone said. "I, uh, what are you doing here?"
Finally, I looked up. He was talking to Sandy with the most uncomfortable look I had ever seen on his face.

"You invited me, remember? Well, I thought that I was still invited."

He struggled to paste a smile on his face. "Uh, well. Okay. I just don’t know if it’s a good idea that you--."

I finally made my way over there. "It’s okay, Bone. Hi Sandy."

"Hi Nick."

"Go finish getting ready," I told him. "It’s almost time."
He looked at me, then at her, then behind us at Brian, Kevin and Howie.

"It’s okay," I told him again. "It’s okay."

He finally walked away, but I saw his eyes dart from us to the guys and back to us.

"How’d you get that ouchie?" she asked looking up at the fading bruise on my forehead.

"It’s nothing. I bumped my head," I said. "You know, AJ had invited us. And now that we’re not together, I don’t think that he expected you to come here."

She nodded. "I know. I know I’m facing your guard dogs, Nicky. I’m not scared. I wanted to see you."

"Why? Derek out of town?"

"No. I just wanted to make sure that--."

"That it’s over? It’s over Sandy. I’m done being miserable with and without you. I thought I made that very clear."
"Yeah but--."

I shook my head. "But means no. There’s no but here. Really, it’s for the best that we just go our own separate ways. I have too many things to do and not enough time to spend with you. Besides, you’ve made it very clear that you can’t live with my schedule. And it’s not going to change."

She crossed her arms and shook out her long hair. "The guys really did a number on you this time, Nick. I guess they finally convinced you how awful I am."

I felt my anger flash, but I held back. This was AJ’s birthday, and we were not going to make a scene.

"You convinced me, Sandy. They were just there for me. They would have accepted and tolerated you if anything good came out of our being together. But it doesn’t. And listen, don’t you think it was a really bad idea for you to come?" I asked with a smile.

She bit her lip. "Yeah. I guess it was. But at least I got to see you up close one last time. From now on, I guess I’ll be stuck in the audience, huh?"

I shrugged. "If you can get the tickets."

She opened her mouth to say something, but I walked away. The guys all pretended not to be watching, but they were. Brian had this tiny smirk on his face as Sandy found her way out the door.

Kevin stood up and grabbed Angel’s hand. "Let’s go sit, guys. The show’s about to start."

"Where’s Karina today?" I asked Howie as we settled into our table.

He smiled. "She’s home. Change your mind about her?"
"Is she still perfect?"

"No. She’s actually kind of young, goofy and silly. She’s never worked at a homeless shelter a day in her life. And she has a real mean streak. She’s knocked out her brother twice. You didn’t get a chance to get to really know her."

I nodded and tried not to laugh. "Well, maybe you can invite me to dinner again. Your mom’s a great cook."
"How about tomorrow night?"