Not six months after we returned to No-Fan Land, and found that it was still No-Fan Land, we headed back to Europe. What else could we do? No one wanted to give up the ground that we had gained there and risk starting at zero on both continents.

Johnny and Lou figured that it was just better for us to continue working in Europe and perfecting our skills and singers and dancers. They didn’t have to worry about us being a tight unit. They had forced us into being cohesive after I got dumped in Holland.
But it wasn’t like we never fought either. It wasn’t long before I was the first one climbing the walls.
"I said that we need to say in the hotel, Nick," Kevin repeated slowly like I was hard of hearing.
"I know what you said," I told him. "But I'm tired of being inside. Can't I just go for a damn walk?"
"Don't say damn," he said shaking his head. "You're too young to cuss, and no, you can't go for a walk. I know you. You'll never come back, or you'll come back late, or you'll get lost..."
"I won't get lost, Kev. I won't. I just need some fresh air. We were stuck doing that dumb video all day long. Then we rehearsed so long that I swear I'll never forget the routines again. I just need to get out."
"He has a point," Howie said from behind me. "We've been inside all day, we all need to get out."
"Well, we're going out," Kevin said standing up and heading toward the door. "You, me and Brian are going to that club later. But we're going together. Nick can't just take off by himself."
"Oh yeah," I said. "And you guys can take off to some stupid club and get drunk? That's okay, right?"
"No one's getting drunk. And well, we're older," Kev said. "And that's not our fault. You leave the hotel, Nicky, and you'll have to deal with me. Serious. Not Donna, or Johnny or even Denise. You'll have to deal with me." He opened the door, eyes on me the whole time.
"Oh yeah. And I'm so scared," I told him. "What are you gonna do? Beat me up?" Truth is I wasn't scared, maybe just a little nervous.
"You don't want to know what I'm gonna do," Kev said. "You and AJ just stay here, understand? We've never been here before, and there are actually some girls camping out there. Stay here and play video games. End of discussion."
"End of discussion, my ass," I muttered and he headed out into the hallway.
I knew what was going to happen. He, Brian and Howie were going to go to the club and let AJ tag along with them. They always did because he looked older, or they liked him better. I’m not sure which. They were going to leave me alone. I was going to get stuck inside once again because they didn't like taking me places with them.
"This bites," I said landing face down on my bed.
Howie had been sorting the million photographs he'd just had developed. They scattered from their positions when I landed.
"Nick!" he protested. "See what you did? I swear, this is why Kev tells you want he does."
"Well, it's my bed," I told him angry because I knew they were going to ditch me. "Go fix your pictures on your bed." With a quick stretch, I was able to knock many of his pictures to the floor.
I heard him curse. "Nick, you really need to grow up."
"Really?"
"Really," he was up with a huff and on his way to the door. "Sometimes, I don't know how Brian can stand you."
"Well, I don't know how you can stand your own stench," I said, though it wasn't a very good comeback, but it was all I had.
"Shut up," Howie said and he left my room. "Just shut up and get over it, you big baby."
There it was the dreaded B-word. I was a baby. I was always a baby. And they never hesitated to remind me of that. In front of the press, it was endearing. "Yes, Nick's the baby. We need to take care of him." Or, "He's our baby brother." But as soon as I protested for being left out or cheated, I was a baby in a bad way. I whined and complained more than they wanted to hear.
Fine.
Fine. I knew that it annoyed them, and that was fine with me. I could be a really big baby. Bigger than they had ever seen.
"Hey Frack," Brian greeted later that evening. He sure had spent a lot of time out of the room.
"Hey Frick. Are we gonna stay up and play all night? You said you were gonna beat me today," I said already knowing the answer.
"Um," he smiled. "Sorry, Frack. I'm going out with Kev and Howie."
I wasn't going to let him off the hook that easily. "Out? Out where? Why? Can I go?"
"Out to a club," he said with a shrug. "It's just us older guys. I mean, we want to go check it out because Howie promised one of those girls from the video that he'd go. We're really doing it for 'D."
"But you were gonna play with me," I whined.
"I know, but I promised Kev I'd go. Look, it's just for tonight. We'll play tomorrow."
I looked at him knowing exactly what button I wanted to push. "Fine," I said with a sigh. "I guess partying with Kev and D is more important than whatever you promise you made to me."
"No Frack--!" he said taking a step toward me.
"It's okay," I said with a shrug and pushed myself off the floor. "I'm gonna go hang out with AJ."
"AJ? Why AJ? Just stay here, Frack. You know what a pain he can be. I think he was fighting with Denise today."
Not like Brian to lie. He must have really wanted to go out. "Well, then maybe I'll just go for a walk outside. I can't just stay all cooped up in here--."
"Kev said we had to stay in the hotel."
"We have to stay in the hotel?!" I said louder than I meant to. "If we have to stay in the hotel, why are you going out? Why are the rules for you different than they are for me?"
"'Cause we're older, Nicky. You know that," Brian sighed. "Give me a break this once. I promise we'll do whatever you want tomorrow."
"I don't want to do anything...," I said then remembered the pamphlet that advertised the amusement park back in Spain. "Anything I want?"
He nodded enthusiastically. "Anything you want that doesn't break any rules, okay? Promise. I promise."
His promises were worth gold, and I planned to make good on this one. He owed big me after ditching me for the older guys.
I dropped back down on the floor and got my controller. "Okay, Frick. I'll let you know when I wanna do something."
"I don't know why those words scare me," he said shaking his head. He was going through his suitcase probably to go shower for his big night out.
I smiled at him. He just knew me too well.
They rolled in laughing down the hall around sunrise. Even better because they'd want me to keep my mouth shut, and I needed them to take me somewhere. I was going to need all the blackmailing material I could get.

We loaded the bus early the evening for the long trek back to Spain. It seemed like we were always going to Spain. We were supposed to stop in Madrid for a couple of weeks and then head along the country for a quick promotional tour. That was fine with me because that country was so small that I could always get to the ocean. Even better, this time, I was headed toward the biggest, newest amusement park in Europe. They boasted the fastest, largest, scariest roller coaster in the whole world. Well, I was just going to have to check that out. Schedule or no schedule.
I made sure to be in good, loud spirits the whole ride over there. Kevin, Howie, AJ and Brian seemed to really want to get some sleep, but I was in a very talkative mood.
"Why don't you settle down, Nicky?" Kevin asked for the twentieth time.
I bounced on my seat. "I'm excited. I love Spain."
"Yeah well, make sure you're well-rested when we get there and take a nap," Howie suggested.
"I'm not sleepy," I said. "I was out since ten last night. Anyone want to play a game?"
They all looked at me. AJ turned over and practically faced the window to avoid the sound of my voice.
"No, no games," Kevin drawled. "Take a break. Watch TV."
"C'mon, you guys, please. Please? Let's play charades?"
Brian sat up and smiled tiredly. "Why don't you grab your Gameboy?"
"I played by myself all night last night. Are you gonna make me--?"
"Fine," Kevin said and moved up to the seat next to mine. "Grab some paper. Let's play hang man."
I looked at him. "Hang man?"
"Yeah. Don't you know how to play hangman? Just think of a word. Count the spaces. I'll guess a letter, and--."
"I know how to play," I said flipping the notebook I carried around for doodling to a clean page. "I'll go first."
He nodded. "Okay."
I had to think for awhile of a good word that he wouldn't guess right away. Brian watched us amusedly because he knew I was consuming what little patience Kevin had.
"Hang on," I said. "I have to check the spelling on something." I hurried to my gym bag to dig out the amusement park pamphlet.
"B-A-C-K-S-T-R...," I heard Kevin spelling.
"It's not Backstreet Boys," I said as I counted the letters and committed to memory the spelling of Parque Fiesta Nacional.
Of course it was taking him forever to guess the words. He had gone through everything from Parking Garage to Fiesta Texas. I was actually drawing eyebrows on his little hung stick man when he snatched the paper out of my hands.
"Is this even in English, Nick?" he asked.
I shook my head. "Does it have to be?"
He looked at me like he was going to smack me with the pad. "Nick! I oughtta'...," he said with a laugh. "Okay. I give up. What is it?"
I pulled the pamphlet out of my pocket and handed it to him.
"It's right outside Madrid," I said. "The way I see it, we're bound to have at least one day off, and I thought it would be cool since you guys left me behind last night, that you actually do something fun with me."
Nothing could beat the looks on their faces. Well, except for AJ. He was asleep.
"Brian, you promised," I reminded him.
"Yeah buddy, I promised, but an amusement park? Don't you think it's kinda risky? I mean, we'd have to take security along with us. And even then, we couldn’t really enjoy it."
"You promised," was all I had to say.
Kevin looked at him then at me.
"I didn't promise anything," Howie said. "You're crazy. We're number one in Spain right now. And that park is going to be packed."
"Well, I'm sure that club was packed too, being that you guys rolled in at sunrise," I reminded them.
Kevin widened his eyes at me. "Listen, you'd better think long and hard about what you're saying. We can't go to that amusement park. You know that, Nick."
I was already shaking my head. They had already left me behind, and it wasn't going to happen again.
"I'm going," I said.
"No," Kevin said taking a softer tone. "You're not. You can't. Imagine what would happen if you got recognized. It would be a nightmare for you and for the security of anyone who recognized you."
"No one is going to recognize me," I said. "I'll wear a cap."
"Nick, you're not going," he said seriously. "I'm not asking you. I'm telling you."
"Well, I'm not asking you. I'm telling you," I said. "I'm going. You guys got to go out and do whatever you wanted. Why can't I?"
"Because we took Mike and David with us last night. And they had to get us out of the hotel because of all the girls out there," Kevin said. "You know it's almost impossible to go anywhere without security."
I looked back at Brian who knew he had made a promise to me. He pressed his mouth closed.
Kevin tugged at my arm. "Hey. Nicky, tell me you're not going. You can't."
I looked up at him without an answer.
"It's not worth the risk, Nick," Brian finally said. "We'll do something else."
"This is what I want. And you guys can come with me, or I can go alone."
"You know the rules," Kevin said flatly. "Rules are that you can't go out alone."
I shrugged once again without words.
"Nick?" he pressed on. "Nick?" and on.
"He won't go," Brian said assuredly. "It'll be okay, cuz."
I left them behind and went to find my Gameboy. I heard Kevin crumple up my pamphlet. That was okay. I knew there would be more at the hotel.

Lucky for me another pamphlet wasn’t the only thing I found in the hotel. I found a partner in crime. And a girl to boot. She must have been a year or two older than me, and she worked at the front desk in the evenings. I think she was a student because many times, I saw her at the desk with books open in front of her. And she was a nice looking girl, nearly my height with long brown curly hair and big, green/gray eyes. She used to smile at us and say hi whenever we wandered in and out of the hotel in the evening, but never said anything or gave any hint that she recognized us. I knew AJ had spotted her too, so I knew I had to make my move fast.
After rehearsal one afternoon when we were outside shooting hoops, I sneaked away claiming that I needed to call my mom. And I did need to call her, but not that immediately.
Just as I thought, the girl was there flipping through a textbook with a notebook in front of her.
She smiled at me as I headed toward the stand filled with tourism pamphlets.
"Hi," I said trying to smile back.
"Hola," she said and watched me scan the pamphlets.
I quickly found the one about the amusement park and headed toward the desk.
She shut the books and smiled at me.
Speak English. Speak English. Speak English, was all I could think.
"Hey, do you know where this is?" I asked pushing it toward her.
She glanced over it and nodded. "Sí," she began then stopped to think. "It’s outside the city. Like fifteen minutes." She had a slight accent and that funny lisp.
"Is there a shuttle? A bus? Something to get me there?" I asked, and she looked at me confused. "A ride?"
"Ride," she repeated. "Uh-uh. You have to drive."
I made a face. There was no way I was going to be able to take a cab all the way out of the city much less rent a car because I still didn’t know how to drive. And if I couldn’t convince the guys to go with me, I’d have to figure out another way.
"Okay, thanks," I said and started away from the desk. "Guess I can’t go."
"Wait," she said. "I can..."
I put on my best smile because I hoped I was right about what she was going to say next. "What?"
"Well, I can take you?" she asked tentatively.
"Yeah? Are you going?"
She shook her head, then she nodded. "I can go. We can go. Saturday?"
Saturday. I was sure that we had something to do, but I could blow it off.
"That would be cool," I said. "I’m Nick."
"Magdalena," she said.
I tried not to make a face. "I don’t know if I can--."
"Maggie," she said quickly. "Call me Maggie."
I eased closer to the desk and looked down at her texts. They were English books.
"No wonder you speak English so well," I said. "I always see you studying."
She smiled, her eyes shining. "I try."
"Well, let me know if you need any help," I told her. "I’d be glad to, whenever. Okay?"
She smiled at me, and her almost too big eyes shone brightly before me. I tried to return but I heard voices behind me.
"... go Nick!"
"That’s why you came back in here?"
"Frack?"
"... was gonna make my move."
The guys. I turned slowly, not really wanting to see them laughing at me.
I heard Maggie chuckle behind me and the sound of shifting papers.
"We need to go rehearse at the TV studio," Kevin told me easily. "Everyone’s gonna hit the showers and meet back down here in twenty. Okay?"
I nodded, grateful that they didn’t embarrass me. "Yeah, okay."
"Bye-bye Fracky," AJ said as they headed toward the elevators eyes on me the whole time.
I finally turned back to Maggie. "Sorry," I said. "They like to tease me."
"It’s okay," she said. "You’re the youngest."
"Yeah," I said. "I know, but that doesn’t mean that--." Hey, that meant she knew who I was. "You know?" I asked. "You know who we are?"
She smiled. "Yeah. The Backstreet Boys. Everyone knows. But I will get fired if I make a big deal."
I shook my head. "You won’t. You should have just told me. I thought you didn’t know who I was."
She rolled her eyes, reached under the counter and came up with another notebook, this one covered in BSB stickers. It said Magdalena S. across the top. I had to laugh.
"Everyone knows," she repeated.
I nodded because it was true. I knew fame had trappings, but it also had privileges. I was living the proof of that then and there.
"So, we can go Saturday?" I asked picking at a sticker of AJ.
She laughed, pushed my hand off and lovingly pushed the sticker back in its place. "Yes. We can go--."
"But it’s only me," I started to explain. "And they can’t know because I’m not supposed to be leaving without them. That means you can’t say anything."
She smiled. "Cross my heart," she said doing just that then kissing her knuckle. "I will say nothing. But we must go early. Like eight."
"I’ll be here," I said happy that I was going to get my way for once.
"I will be here too."
I smiled at her once more. "I have to go rehearse. It’s been nice meeting you. And thanks," I told her.
"You are welcome, Nick. Good-bye."
I waved as I headed for the elevator. "Bye."
She smiled and waved back.
I felt really stupid standing there waiting for the elevator because she was watching me. I was no kind of casanova like AJ or Kevin. They met girls all the time. Even Brian and Howie used the "I’m a nice guy" act to get attention from chicks. I didn’t even know what my act was. I was just me. I rarely met girls on my own, and the ones that approached me, always did it like hysterical fans. It was strange to talk to a girl like that. I just wasn’t used it.
Where was that elevator?
I realized then that I stank from the basketball game and wondered how awful I had smelled to Maggie. She was just too nice to have put up with me. I mean, she was an hot girl and obviously at least a little bit older than me.
She shot me a look of confusion while I kept waiting for the elevator.
Where was it?
Maybe this was something that I could start doing more often. It hadn’t been that hard. I was already fifteen, and dating girls was not unheard of at that age. I’m sure AJ was going out with girls way before then. It seemed like Brian always had a girlfriend, and I heard somewhere that Kevin was even engaged. The thing with me, was that the guys were never going to let me live things down. I was sure right then that I would be receiving all kinds of unwanted brotherly advice.
Where was the elevator?
And for sure, they’d have to know all about her. AJ alone was nosier than BJ, and that was saying a lot. Howie would have to tease me about everything. And I knew that Brian and Kevin--.
Oh.
I had forgotten to push the up button. I know I turned red as I reached to push it, and the elevator immediately opened before me.
I heard Maggie laugh softly as I hurried in and shut the doors right after me.
Nice one.
"Nicky’s not concentrating because he’s in love," AJ shouted at the top of his lungs when I messed up the steps again.
We had to rehearse at the TV studio to make sure the routines were doable on their small stage.
"Not true," I said more softly than I meant to.
"True," AJ countered.
"Guys," Kevin said. "Just concentrate, both of you. We have to do the TV show tomorrow, and everything has to be just right. Nick, get off cloud nine."
"I’m not on cloud nine," I protested while Howie and Brian laughed.
"Hell, I would be," AJ said. "That’s one hot chick. And I was going to talk to her yesterday, but I was dumb enough to listen to ‘D. He said I had to perfect my Spanish."
"Maggie speaks English," I said.
They all laughed.
"Maggie?!?" AJ practically shouted. "You already have a pet name for her? Man, that was quick. I was too busy working on ¿Como te llamas? What’s your name? Like she wouldn’t have told me that on her own. Thanks a lot, ‘D."
"I didn’t know Nicky was going to hit up on your girl," Howie said.
"She’s not my girl," I said.
"Yeah. He’s too young to have a girl," Brian piped up. "You can’t grow up yet, Fracky. You can’t."
"Hey," Kevin scolded. "All of you, quit it. We are here to rehearse, and that’s what we’re going to do. Leave Nick alone."
"’Leave Nick alone,’" AJ mocked him in a soft tone as we took back our spots.
The show choreographer was looking at us like we were crazy.
"Sorry," Kevin told her. "We’re ready to work now."
And work we did. It seemed like from that moment on, everything was work. It was okay. All I had to do was make it through Friday, and before I knew it, it would be time to hit the coaster. I couldn’t wait.
I was already coming up with a story. I was going to tell them that my mom wanted me to buy her one of those funny Spanish figurines. And from there, it would be easy for me to say that I got lost, so they wouldn’t be too mad at me. If I told the story just right, they might even feel sorry for me.

Once, I saw this episode of the Simpsons when Bart wanted to get up earlier than everyone else on Christmas morning. Well, he drank a lot of water to make sure that the urge awoke him. And that night, he had all kinds of peeing dreams.
I didn’t want to have Brian wake up if I set the alarm clock, so I did the same thing.
I didn’t have any of those dreams after drinking five glasses of water before going to bed. But I did have to run to the bathroom at six-thirty in the morning.
It was too early, but better to be early than late. After brushing my teeth, I quickly changed, grabbed a cap and my backpack then very quietly closed the door behind me. Brian hadn’t even stirred. I almost felt bad sneaking around on him like that, but I knew that he wouldn’t understand. He lived by the rules and the schedule.
I passed the time in the hotel restaurant and later just sitting in the lobby when Maggie showed up a little before eight o’clock.
She smiled brightly when she saw me.
"Hola!" she greeted kissing me on each cheek.
"Hola," I said with a laugh.
"Are you ready?" she asked. "¿Listo?"
I nodded and grabbed my backpack. "Let’s go. Did you have breakfast?"
She nodded as I followed her outside the hotel to the street. "Yes. I ate at home. Did you?"
"Um-huh. In the restaurant. I was hoping that--."
"Nick?!?"
Shit.
I turned around to find Johnny standing in the street next to a cab. Apparently, he had just arrived in Madrid.
"Hey," I greeted casually. "Hey Johnny."
He handed the cab driver some bills and pulled his bag over his shoulder. He was pissed. His mouth was pressed into a line, and his eyebrows were creased. I was in deep.
"Uh, where are you going?" he asked approaching us. "You aren’t supposed to leave the hotel without security. You know that. Don’t you have work to do today?" He dug his schedule out of his breast pocket. Figures it would be close to his cold heart. "Yeah, here it is. Saturday at eleven, you have to be at an interview. Right?"
"Johnny I," I began searching carefully for my lie. "We were... We were just going out to eat."
"Oh. That would be rule number two you’ve broken today already. Leaving with a stranger."
I winced. "She’s not a stranger. She’s Maggie, and--."
"Get inside," he said.
I started to shake my head. "I’ll be back. I--."
"Get inside," he repeated. "Get the hell back into the hotel, now."
My stomach sank, and a million words were caught in my throat.
"Maggie, I’m sorry," I said.
She swallowed hard apparently afraid of Johnny. "It’s okay."
"Move it, Nick," he said. "And move it quickly."
I started back to the hotel, and my heart took a tremendous thud. I was mad, embarrassed and defeated all at once.
"What the hell are you thinking?" began Johnny’s familiar speech. "Oh yeah, you’re blond. You don’t really think, do you? I can’t believe how stupid you are, Nick. What if there had been a mob of fans out there? What if someone from the press took a picture of you with that girl? You know that we have a no girlfriend rule, and that was the first thing they were going to say about you..."
I tried hard to tune him out as we entered the lobby. I thought for sure he was going to check in. That would give me a chance to get away his insults. But he followed me to the familiar elevator.
"... never learn, do you?" he continued. "I mean, it wasn’t enough that you got lost and came back with that pervert, now you have to run off with strange women. I don’t think you realize just how seriously you have to take this job and the rules that come with it. They are there for a reason: to keep dumb asses like you out of trouble."
The doors opened, and we got in.
Instantly, I was looking at the floor, not wanting to meet his gaze for a minute.
Strangely enough, he was silent.
I pressed our floor number and went back to looking at the floor.
"You’re not going to ruin this, Nick," he said so softly that it scared me. He never spoke softly.
"What?" I had to ask looking up at him.
"You are not going to ruin this by being stupid, understand? I thought the guys could keep an eye on you, but obviously not."
"They have nothing to--."
He shoved one hand into my chest to shut me up.
"Shut up, Nick. Just keep your trap shut. You don’t understand anything. Everything you do, everyone you talk to, impacts everyone in the unit. Not just you. And I’ll be damned if you’re the one to fuck up everything, understand?"
I went back to looking at the floor and noticed how shiny his shoes looked.
The hand pushed deeper into my chest, and I ended up against the wall.
"Do you understand?"
I nodded. "I understand."
The doors opened before us, and he pulled away. "Get everyone together. We’re having a meeting."
I gulped. It was one thing to face him, quite another to face them.
I hurried back to mine and Brian’s room because I knew it would be easier to start with him.
I shook him gently, but he didn’t even stir.
"Bri? Bri?" I continued as I kneeled by the bed. "Frick, wake up. Wake up."
Finally, he groaned sleepily and rolled over. I yanked at his shoulder. "No. No, Brian, don’t go back to sleep. Wake up. Wake up."
"What?" he called from under the blanket. "What is it?"
I didn’t answer because I didn’t know how to tell him. I didn’t know how to tell him that I had just gotten all of us in all kinds of trouble.
"You did what?" he asked rubbing his eyes when he’d finally sat up.
I didn’t even remember what I had told him. It sounded like a bunch of gibberish rushing from my mouth that I had no control over.
"I got caught sneaking out," I said. "Maggie and I were going to that amusement park when Johnny showed up at the hotel. He told me to get you guys. He wants to have a meeting."
He stopped rubbing his tiny eyes and looked at me. "Are you nuts, Frack? Sneaking out? What were you thinking?"
"Johnny already asked me that," I said. "I wasn’t thinking according to him. According to me, I was...," I stopped because there was no way it was going to sound any better.
I just looked at him and hoped that he’d be Frick. Hoped that he’d be my friend like he always was and help me out.
"I’ll get Kevin. You go get Howie and AJ. They’re next door," he said.
Thank God. I was dreading facing Kevin more than anyone else.
"Hurry it up," he said as he climbed off the bed. "Go get the guys. It’s going to take bulldozer to get AJ out of bed."

There are probably worse things I could have faced in the hallway that morning. But two sleepy ex-linebacker bodyguards, dirty looks from Howie because he was still in deep sleep when I woke him, AJ’s wide stance, arms crossed, messy hair pose and Kevin Richardson were probably more than I could handle. Then there was still Johnny.
Apparently, he had woken up David and Mike, checked in and was ready to chew us out without a hint of jet lag.
"My room, gentlemen," he said pleasantly and held the door open for us.
I hung behind as they entered hoping that at that last moment, I could run out and just get away.
"Nick?" someone called from the room.
Johnny was sitting at the small table while David and Mike sat on the bed and looked even bigger than I remembered them. Howie, AJ and Brian sat on the floor while Kevin settled into the small sofa. The only seat left was the other chair at the table.
Johnny shot me an impatient look while I hesitated then headed for the chair.
I felt a tug at my shirt as Kevin pulled me toward him and edged me toward the arm of the sofa.
"Sit down," he said softly.
I wanted to smile at him. I wanted to apologize to him a million times because all he ever did was stick up for me. All I ever did was screw up.
"Well, if you haven’t been filled in on this morning’s activities, let me get you up to speed," Johnny said. "Nick here, has taken to busting out of the hotel unaccompanied."
Mike and David were immediately speaking up about something.
"And," Johnny continued talking over them. "He was doing it with a stranger."
Kevin looked up at me.
I rubbed my face. He always made things sound so bad.
"It was Maggie," I said not looking up.
"That doesn’t make it better," I heard Kev say.
"No, it doesn’t," Johnny said. "I’m glad that you realize that. And for that very reason, I think we need to re-negotiate some of the rules."
General mumbling filled the room.
"Number one," Johnny announced loudly. "No one ever leaves the hotel unaccompanied by security."
The rule used to be we couldn’t unaccompanied by security or a guardian.
"Number two," he continued. "You guys are no longer allowed to leave the hotel unless it’s on business."
The groans began, AJ’s louder than anyone else’s.
"... just because Nick fucked up," he was saying. "That’s not fair."
Kevin sat up and cleared his throat. "You said re-negotiate, Johnny," he reminded him. "That means that we get some say."
"Re-negotiate?" Johnny balked. "I said that? I must have messed up. You guys are confined to the hotels unless we have business to attend to. Is that clear? No tourism trips, no days out with girlfriends or parents, nothing like that."
"You can’t punish us for something that Nick did," Kevin said evenly. "Some of us are adults, and--."
"And all of you have signed contracts. And you didn’t let me get to rule number three. In the event that any of these rules are broken, the first butts on the line are Mike’s and David’s. So in case anyone else decides to pull as fast one, they’ll know who they will be affecting."
I could feel all their eyes on me.
"I have a lot of work to do," Johnny said. "You guys can go."
"Go where?" AJ was mumbling. "... stuck in the damn hotel."
"... have to call my mom and tell her not to come," Howie was saying. "What would be the point?"
David and Mike were shaking their heads and mumbling curses I had never heard.
Brian quietly padded out of the room and out of sight. I felt Kevin’s hand on my back give me a slight push.
"Go," he said. "Go wait in my room, and tell the guys we all need to talk."
"No," Johnny said pulling his briefcase up to the table.
"No what?" Kevin asked. "I haven’t asked you anything yet."
"No, I’m not going to listen. I don’t care what you have to say for him or yourself or anyone. This time, I’m not listening or cutting anyone any breaks."
"You’re being unreasonable," Kev said. "That’s just crazy. Nick’s just a kid. All he wanted to do was go out to an amusement park."
Johnny looked up. "Amusement park? He told me he was going out to eat with that girl. Have you taken to lying too, Nicky?" He shook his head at me.
I returned Johnny’s look and didn’t answer.
Kevin sighed.
"And the answer is still no," Johnny said. "I don’t care what you say, what you’re going to promise this time. I don’t want to hear it. You said you were going to keep the guys in line, and you haven’t Kevin. There’s no point in trying this again. Just go."
I heard Kevin get up from the sofa. I followed him, and Johnny didn’t look up at us at all.
I heard it from the guys back in Kevin’s room. And I guess I couldn’t blame them. I had ruined everything, and I deserved anything they had to say to me. I had no excuses, and that was a good thing. I doubt they would have listened to them anyway.
My bright ideas always turned out this way. It was then that I remembered in that episode of Simpsons, Bart ruined Christmas for everyone by opening the presents without them and starting a fire.

Needless to say, I kept to myself for the next few days, even around Brian. I knew that he hated being cooped up as much as anyone else, even though he seemed to be his regular sunny self. Kevin didn’t say much, but I knew he was disappointed.
There’s this other episode of the Simpsons where Bart kills a bird because Nelson dares him to shoot at it with a B.B. gun. All along, Marge had been forbidding him from hanging around with Nelson, but somehow, he sneaked out. Well, he got caught, and when Marge saw the dead bird, she was very angry. But there came point in the show where Bart asked her if he was going to be punished, and she just told him, "What’s the point?"
That’s the look Kevin was giving me. It was like he was too disappointed to even be angry at me.
So my routine became something like this: wake up, eat, work, eat, work, eat then go straight to bed. The guys were always playing basketball or hitting the weight room or the pool during the few off hours. I know they weren’t exactly wanting me around. Hell, they didn’t even invite me to do anything with them. Besides going to any of those places implied that I’d have to walk across the lobby. And I was still way too embarrassed to face Maggie.
But it wasn’t long before being cut off from civilization began to wear them down.
"... go see U2 in concert," I walked into AJ saying in the rehearsal room one morning. "But no, we can’t. That’s just fucked up."
Howie looked up at me and smiled but not with his eyes. "I know, Bone," he said. "But that’s how it goes."
AJ shook his head. "That’s how it goes when you work with morons, right Nick?" He asked with a big grin on his face.
I dropped my gym bag and sat down to wait for the choreographer and the other guys.
"Sorry, AJ," was all I could say.
He shook his head and half laughed. "Sorry does us a lot good now, Nickolas. Now that we’ve been stuck in this hotel for a week. A week."
I bit my lip and debated whether I should even stay there. AJ tended to be very cruel when he wanted to be.
"Man, there’s this really cool club, just down the block," he continued. "I sit out there on the balcony and watch the people just stream in. I think there’s a modeling agency a little farther down, so imagine the women in that club. Man, what a waste."
Howie sighed. "Well, it wouldn’t matter if he hadn’t threatened us with firing David and Mike. That’s the only reason why I’m even abiding by the new rules."
Bone nodded. "Exactly. If he hadn’t threatened to fire the guys, there would be no reason to stay here. He’s just stupid Johnny. What can he do. Fire us?"
"Probably," Howie said.
They fell silent, but I could see the anxiety crawling through AJ. He was dying to get out. He was fiddling around with his sunglasses and raising his head to look out the big window whenever a passerby cast their shadow, which was often.
Howie looked resigned as he always did. ‘D was good at rolling with the punches, but I knew he was disappointed because his mom couldn’t visit. She had some relatives in Spain and had always wanted to visit.
Feeling guilty was the worst. And it was especially bad when the rest of them weren’t as direct as AJ. At least he was honest enough tell me he thought I was a moron.
When Kevin and Brian entered bickering, I knew that things were going to get bad.
"Well, what do you want me to do, cuz? Snap my fingers and change everything? I can’t," Frick was saying. "I wish I could, but I can’t."
"I expect you to change nothing," Kevin said then lowered his voice when he was us watching them. "But I’m tired of getting blamed for everything that goes wrong around here. I’ve tried to be responsible, but...," he broke off and looked at Brian. "But sometimes, I wish you’d help out."
"A lot of good that’s gonna do now," Brian said not changing his original tone. "Look, this is where we’re stuck. I say, we just deal with it. What else can we do?"
Kevin shook his head and dropped his bag next to Howie. "Forget I said anything," he said.
Frick sat next to me but couldn’t seem to keep still for a second.
"What’s wrong?" I asked.
"What?" he snapped.
I cleared my throat. "What’s wrong? Why are you guys fighting?"
"We’re not fighting. We were just discussing something. Don’t worry about it."
I rubbed my face and wished that somehow I could start the week all over again. Hell, starting the whole tour again would be good too. I would have kept my mouth shut about the amusement park and everything else.
"You guys fighting about me?" I asked as softly as I could because I didn’t want Kevin to hear. "About what I did?"
Brian started biting his nail. "No," he mumbled. "Why’d we do that?"
Brian hardly lied to me. If anything, he just avoided saying unpleasant things to me at all costs.
I bit my lip again.
"I’m sorry," I said. It seemed like that was all that came out of my mouth.
"So you say, bro," Brian said. "But this time, that’s not gonna fix anything. I really hope that you learned something."
I sucked in air and got up.
Once again, I was struck with the dire urge to go home. That was always my solution to everything that went wrong. I wanted to run away, but this time, I didn’t make it as far as the door.
"Sit down, Nick," Kevin drawled.
"I was just--," I began.
"Uh-uh," Kev said. "You’re not doing anything anymore. Just sit down and wait till it’s time to get to work."
"Yeah," AJ said. "Sit down before you hurt yourself, or worse, get us in more trouble."
Howie chuckled and Kevin shook his head.
"Shut up," Brian told them. "Stop talking to him like he’s stupid."
Kevin rolled his eyes, and Howie sighed loudly.
"See?" Kev said. "This is what I’m talking about. You just sit there and defend him like he can do no wrong. I’m sorry, cuz, but someone needs to keep order around here."
Brian started chomping on another finger nail. "Yeah well, you guys don’t have to be rude. He knows he screwed up, and there’s nothing we can do now."
I pressed my eyes shut against their argument. I was the stupidest, most irresponsible person on the face of the Earth. I already knew that. They didn’t have to remind me.
Blissfully, the choreographer showed up, and it was time to get to work. That was the only thing we seemed to do well together.

The silence was probably the worst. When they insulted me directly or indirectly, at least I knew where I stood. But when we piled into the rented van to go out to interviews, TV/radio shows or photo shoots, no one said anything. They all just sat there, noses glued to the windows trying to inhale the city. And I knew that it was all my fault.
Surprise meetings are the worst. Johnny and Lou tended to spring the worst news on us during those surprise meetings. This one wasn’t going to be any different.
"Well, we’ve added another show, guys," Johnny announced. He was sitting up in front with the driver, so he had to turn around to speak to us. Kevin, AJ and Howie were sitting in the row of seats right behind them. Brian and I where in the back. I watching the sunny streets that were full of people who had no idea who we were.
"Another show?" Kevin repeated.
"Yeah. You guys will like this," Johnny said. I could practically hear the smile spreading across his face.
Howie cleared his throat. "Well, we’re already booked pretty tight, aren’t we?"
"Yeah, but you guys are young. You can handle it. And I already told you, you’re going to like it. It’s at a place you always wanted to visit, Nick."
I didn’t look at him and continued to look out at the streets.
"Friday night, we’re performing at the newest amusement park in Europe. The Parque Fiesta Nacional," he said pronouncing it all wrong.
His words were met by general silence.
"What?" Kevin asked.
Frick piped up, "An amusement park?"
"Isn’t that a little...?" Howie began.
"Aren’t we too famous to sing at amusement parks?" AJ spat. "I mean, c’mon!"
"Shit," was all I could mutter.
Johnny looked surprised, "You guys don’t want to play at the park? Nick, I thought you were dying to go there."
I finally looked up at him to recognize the sarcastic, fake smile on his face.
"What about the fans, boys?" Johnny asked. "I thought we did all of this for them? I mean, what’s wrong with amusement parks? You used to perform at them all the time."
"Yeah, when we were nobodies," AJ said.
I saw Kevin give him a look.
"We’ve worked very hard to get where we are," Kevin said in that calm tone. "Don’t you think singing at the park would be taking a step back?"
Johnny chuckled. "What? You guys are too big for amusement parks now? That’s what you’re saying?"
"Every Time I Close My Eyes is number one," Kevin continued. "We’re playing arenas all over Spain, and you want us to go and sing at an amusement park? Does that make sense?"
Johnny dropped his smile. "It make sense. It makes sense because it’s a decision that I have made, and you’re nobody to question it. Plus, I think it’s time we did something Nicky wants to do. And I know he wants to go to this park. Right Nicky?"
They all turned and looked at me, and I turned back to the window.
"Yeah well, Frack," Kevin said. "It looks like you’re finally going to get your way."
And they stayed mad about having to sing at the amusement park. It was just like Johnny to pull something cruel on me like that. I can’t say that I was even surprised. But at the same time, I hadn’t exactly learned how to deal with all his crap either.
I tended to be quiet at interviews but with everything that was going on, I completely clamed up. The reporters sat the interviews tried to engage me in sunny conversations about the tour, my family and the guys, but I had nothing to say. I got countless of looks from Kevin and Howie who would have to take up my slack and make up some excuse for me, like that I was sick.
At that point, even Brian became tired of me.
"Well, you just can’t keep doing that," Brian said one evening as we entered our room after an interview where all I had said was, "Spain is nice because it’s close to the ocean."
"Why not? I have nothing to say."
He tossed his stuff on his bed and looked at me like I’d finally gone crazy. "Nick, because you can’t. This is our job. And I hate to keep harping on this, but you have to take it seriously."
"Like Johnny takes us seriously," I said lying face down on my bed. "Like he even cares who we are."
"Look, I’m not talking about Johnny. I’m talking about what you’re doing. You need to do your part."
"I am doing my part," I said. "I’m singing. I’m dancing. I’m smiling. What else do you want?"
"I want you to care about what’s going on here."
"I care," I said. "It’s Johnny who doesn’t care."
He came around the bed and squatted down to look at me. "This isn’t about Johnny. I think we’ve already decided that this is about us. All of it. Johnny’s a manager, we’re the group."
I closed my eyes against his voice. I just wanted to be home. I desperately wanted to smell my own house and feel safe and wanted with my family.
"Nick?"
"What?" I asked not opening my eyes.
"Nick, quit being such a baby. It’s bad enough that we’re stuck inside twenty-four/seven. You’re not making things any better for anyone by just shutting down and pretending stuff’s not going on."
I didn’t open my eyes. I wanted him to think that I was asleep so that he’d stop and leave me alone. But he was Frick. He was my best friend who never knew when to quit.
"Nick?" he continued. "Hey. You’re not just going to ignore me. I’m not Kevin. I’m not going to give up and go away. Nick?"
I actually turned my face away from him, and I heard him sigh. He seemed to stay there for a long time just watching me or waiting for me to come around.
"Man, you need to really quit," he said in a tone I rarely heard from him. "You need to quit being so selfish and thinking about how you’re affecting everyone else. Haven’t you already done enough?"
That did it. Tears stung at my eyes, and I rolled away over to put my back to him. I pulled up my knees and pushed myself closer to the wall.
I’m not sure when he left my side, but after awhile, I heard him turn on the TV.

"Hi Mom," I said into the phone.
"Nick! What a surprise," she said. "What’s this? It’s your fourth call in three days."
The guys were off at different parts of the hotel trying to break the routine. The Parque show would be that night.
I tried to laugh. "Are you counting?"
"I’m counting because I’m always so happy to hear from you. How are you? What’s new in France?"
"We’re in Spain," I said and rubbed my nose. I was sitting out on the balcony, and the chilly morning breeze made my nose run. "Everything’s fine. What’s new with you?"
She laughed. "Nick. You’re in Spain, in the middle of a tour, and you’re asking me what’s new? Well, Aaron lost another tooth."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
We were both silent as she was probably expecting to start telling her what was new with us.
"What’s BJ doing?" I asked instead.
"Homework," she said. "It seems like she’s always doing her homework. She’s on the Honor Roll again."
"Cool. Tell her congratulations. I’m sure everyone is shocked she’s my sister."
She laughed. "Aren’t you working today?"
"Later. We’re doing at show at this massive amusement park."
"Wow. An amusement park? You love those! I’m sure you guys will have lots of fun. You will get a chance to ride the rides, won’t you? Are you gonna drag Brian on a rollercoaster?"
I cleared my throat. "I think it’s all work today, Mom."
There was another awkward pause, then I heard her sigh.
"Honey, are you okay? Why are you so quiet?"
"I’m fine," I said. "I’m tired, that’s all."
"You’ve still got a good four weeks left, Nick. What’s going on? Is everything really okay? You usually love touring."
I nodded though I was on the phone and cleared my throat to keep my voice from shaking. "I’m just tired," I said again.
I heard her laugh. "Nick, you’re too young to get tired. What are Donna and Johnny doing to you guys? Working you to death."
I tried to laugh so that she wouldn’t keep thinking something was wrong. "No, Mom. I guess I just...Well, I don’t know," I said.
"Don’t worry," she said. "You’ll be home before you know it. And when you are, you’ll be here climbing the walls because you’ll want to be working."
I was about to tell her that I was ready for a break when AJ came out on the balcony.
"Hey, we’re taking off to rehearse at the park in ten minutes. Get ready."
I nodded at him. "I gotta go, Mom."
"Okay honey. Don’t work so hard. And try to have some fun," she said. I could hear the smile in her voice.
"I will. Say hi to everyone for me and tell them that I miss them."
She laughed. "We miss you too, Nick. But keep living your dream, honey. Remember that it won’t always be like this."

The park was beyond packed. And since moment we drove up to the "hidden" entrance, we were mobbed by girls who screamed and held on to the van making it impossible for us to move.
"You guys are gonna have to run for it," Chuck, the driver announced.
"Are you serious?" Kevin asked. "We can’t do that. A riot will break out."
"Look, David and Mike are getting help from park security to clear a path for you guys. Each one of you will get a guard, and you’ll have to run for it. If I keep driving, I’ll run over someone."
The bodies bumped into the sides of the van, and the sounds of shrieks and screams made their way inside. Someone actually banged into us so hard that the van rocked.
Kevin nodded looking out at the mob with concern and fear written all over his face. He turned back to us.
"Guys, we’re going to have to be careful. Hang on to whoever you get and just keep going. We’ll let Nick stay with Mike, and Aje, you go with David. The three of us will take the park security," he said authoritatively.
As usual, Johnny was nowhere to be seen.
I always got Mike because he was the biggest, and sometimes just had to pick me up and run through the crowd with me like I was an over-sized football. Though I was the quietest of the five, it always seemed like I had a tougher time getting through the crowds. We had our drill down, and I even knew to pick up my feet and duck my head when he made a mad dash to safety. David and AJ stayed together for the same reasons. The other guys took their chances with outside security because they didn’t seem to cause as big a ruckus and AJ and me.
It wasn’t long before we heard the whistles of the city cops and park security and a narrow path was cleared from the van exit to the venue door, not more than thirty yards away.
Chuck climbed off the van to the sounds of screams and walked around to open the rear exit. Mike, David and other security had already gathered at the door.
"You guys ready?" Chuck asked opening the door. "Let’s go, Jay. Brian next, then Howie, Kevin and Nick."
That was odd. I usually got to go first just to get it over with. AJ climbed over the seats and lithely jumped out of the van. The crowd exploded in screams, and I saw him raise his hand in a quick wave as he grabbed on to David and ran.
Brian and Howie followed the same way, and Kevin looked back at me.
"You ready?" he asked.
I nodded and positioned myself behind him.
"Don’t screw this up," he said as he jumped down and hurried through the crowd.
Mike was already waiting for me, and the roars grew louder as I stood at the edge of the van.
"Let’s go," Mike ordered. "Hurry it up. C’mon."
The entire throng of people seemed to surge forward, and I winced.
"Nick!" Mike yelled. "What the fuck? Hurry up!"
Chuck yanked at my arm, and I stumbled down with Mike grabbing on to me and pulling me through before I even knew what happened. He squeezed me extra hard as we ran through, probably to get back at me for putting his job in the line.
"Sorry. I’m sorry," I was saying as we entered the venue. "Sorry, Mike."
"Kid, you know better than that," he said. "You know what we have to do. Those people are crazy. And the last thing we need is for anyone to get hurt. Including you and me. "
I looked up at him and nodded. "I’m sorry," I repeated.
He gave me a shove toward the rest of the guys who were way up ahead and heading for the dressing rooms.
"Just be careful, Nick. Please."
The four of them didn’t even glance back my way as I hurried to catch up with them.
"Guys!" I called.
No one looked back.
"Frick!"
And I saw them disappear through the double doors up ahead.
I stopped. That was it.
I looked around because there was no way on Earth I was going to be miserable for another moment. I had screwed up royally by trying to leave with Magdalena, and I knew that. But I didn’t deserve to get left behind and ignored like that either. They acted like being famous never trapped them, like it was a perfectly normal, natural experience. I couldn’t take back what I had done, and I was tired of being punished. It was enough that Johnny treated me worse than crap. I didn’t need them ignoring me as well.
I spotted a door, pulled my cap harder over my head and just hurried out without thinking or hesitating.
Silence.
Strangely enough, I was met by a silent, bright, cool day. Eventually, the happy sounds of birds chirping, voices, rides, laughter and music filled the air. It was almost like had stepped into a new world. I rushed away from the venue and joined the crowds out for a good time.
In Spain, hot dogs aren’t really hot dogs, but they’ll do. And sodas have a different, more sugary flavor to them. But rides are exactly the same: fun, wild, scary and attached to insufferable long lines. I was even tempted to go up to some girl toward the front, pull off my camp and say, "Hi! I’m Nick. Can I cut in?" But until then, I had done a good job of avoiding being recognized.
I wondered what the guys were doing. They were probably pissed, but they were pissed anyway, so what did it matter? I felt really sorry for Mike because his ass was on the line big time, but he should have stuck harder to me. Everybody had a lesson to learn, and mine was to stick up for myself. As much as the guys loved me, eventually, they tired of me.
I had been in the line for like forty-five minutes, and I was near just giving up. I didn’t actually plan to miss the show as much as miss rehearsal and just catch a break. But as time sped by and the line inched up, I became more determined to get on that coaster. I had gotten into too much trouble not to.
"Nick?"
I looked up from the park map I had been studying at the sound of my name. It was Maggie. She was with a little girl who looked just like her and both were wearing shorts and BSB T-shirts.
I smiled. "Hi."
She looked around, her mouth agape. "What?" she lowered her voice and stepped closer to me. "What are you doing? I came here to see you perform today."
"I’m riding the roller coaster. What are you doing? Don’t you work today?"
"I promised my sister I’d bring her. Are you alone?"
I nodded, suddenly feeling proud of myself. "Yeah. I got away from them. They didn’t want to get on the rides," I said wrinkling my nose at her.
"I thought you were mad at me," she said. "You never went to talk to me again."
"I thought you might be mad at me for not coming last week. Something just came up with Johnny, and--."
"It’s okay," she said cutting me off. "I wasn’t mad. I thought I had gotten you in trouble."
"It wasn’t you," I said and glanced up at the seemingly eternal line. "I still have a way to go, don’t I?"
She nodded. "At least an hour. I’m going to come back when it’s not so new."
"Lucky for you. You live here," I told her.
"I wish you did," she said with a grin then looked away.
I had to laugh. I realized then how I couldn’t waste the opportunity to spend time with her and was actually struck with a good idea. "You girls want to go eat something? I don’t think I’m going to get on the rollercoaster today," I said though I was still full from the "hot-dogs."
Maggie looked down at her little twin. "What do you think, Clara? You want to go eat with Nick?"
She must have been six years old. She looked up at me with Maggie’s familiar, enormous clear eyes and smiled. "Nick?"
"Shh," I told her softly. "Not so loud. Are you hungry?"
"Nick," she said again and put a chubby hand out to me.
I stepped over the ropes that confined the line and took her small hand into mine. I squatted down to meet her face to face.
"Sh, you can’t say my name so loud, okay? Okay?"
She smiled and pulled me into a hug. "Nick."
"Sh, Clara!" Maggie scolded and told her something else in Spanish as we moved away from the curious looks some people in line were shooting our way. Even if they had recognized me, I doubted they wanted to give up their spaces in line. But then again...
Clara didn’t let go of my hand as we headed toward the food vendors. I wasn’t hungry, but I had decided to try my luck with this girl. It wasn’t often that happy coincidences happened to me. They were usually bad ones.
Maggie left me alone with her little sister while she went to get food. Clara didn’t speak any English, but she knew each word of every one of our songs. She sang and danced for me animatedly while we waited.
I applauded for her. "Good! You’re really good," I told her. "Maybe you can join the group."
She said something to me in Spanish the only part of which I understood was Brian. So I just smiled at her, and she smiled back.
I ate again, not that it was tough for me. Maggie was funny doting on her little sister like she was a baby.
She looked at me strangely when she caught me watching her push lemonade over a soda at her.
"What?" she asked. "What’s so funny?"
I shrugged. "Funny? Nothing. Am I laughing?"
"Nick, you’re always smiling," she said. "That’s why your my favorite."
I had to smile then, and it turned into a loud laugh. Her favorite.
"Um, so you came to the concert?" I asked leaning toward her.
She nodded. "I know it’s funny because I see you guys at the hotel everyday, but I wanted to come hear the songs. I love the songs," she said.
"Thanks. So, would you like to join us backstage today? I’m allowed to take a guest. And maybe if you’re there as a witness, Johnny and the guys won’t kill me. Well, not right away."
She smiled. "We’d love to. Right Clara?"
Clara looked at us confused, so Maggie had to explain all we had said.
"Brian?" I heard her say again. I was sure by then she was a Frick fan.
"Sure, you can meet Brian," I told her. "And you can meet Kevin, Howie and AJ too."
We spent some time just talking and watching the people. Maggie seemed like a really nice girl. After hanging out with her, I was ready to take all punishment I was going to get. It would be worth it.
We slowly walked back to the small outdoor auditorium where we’d be performing. I could even hear the band warming playing some songs and spotted some of the park security around the entrance.
Maggie stopped to go to the bathroom and once again, left Clara and me alone. I was about to throw away our empty soda cups when I heard a scream. I thought someone had fallen down, gotten hurt or seen something horrible in the haunted space ride, but that wasn’t it. The girl who had screamed was screaming my name.
"Nick! NICK!" she yelled at the top of her lungs like I was an apparition.
Clara looked startled and grabbed on to my hand.
I smiled at the girl to calm her and stop her from screaming.
"Hi. Hi," I said. "It’s okay."
She grabbed on to my waist was saying something in a million miles a second.
"It’s okay," I repeated to her. "Really. It’s okay. Calm down."
She sucked in air and pushed her hair behind her ear. She kept talking to me in Spanish, but I understood nothing.
"Yeah," I was saying. "It’s nice to meet you. What’s your name?"
She kept talking and didn’t even stop to realize that I had asked her something. By then about five other girls had gathered around us with Clara still clutching on my hand and my leg. I did my best to keep smiling, but each time they pushed in closer to me, and that first girl hadn’t stopped babbling.
"Um," I said not even knowing where to begin. "Are you guys going to the concert?"
"Nick...," another girl began talking loudly and pushed the first one out of the way.
The first one grabbed on to my other arm, so I had to hold her steady.
"It’s okay," I said. "Don’t push. It’s okay."
"...autógrafo?"
I know that meant autograph, and at least, it was something that I could do. I took the pen that she was handing me.
"Sure," I said. "What’s your name?"
She ended up having to spell it for me giggling the whole time.
"It was nice to meet you," I said shaking her hand.
She was shoved out of the way, and another girl appeared in front of me. She was way over-excited shoving pictures and a cap at me while she spoke so quickly that I understood nothing.
"...foto?"
Foto meant photo, I also knew that. She wanted a picture.
I nodded and looked around for someone holding a camera.
The girl posing with me stood in front of Clara, and even stepped on her, I think because I heard Clara start to cry out as the picture was taken.
"No, no," I said bending down to her. "Don’t cry. It’s okay. Let me just give them autographs. It’s okay."
But the little girl continued to wail, and when I looked up again the crowd had doubled with slips of paper, papers pens and out-stretched hands being shoved my way. I did my best to sign what I could when we were actually pushed back a few feet. Clara screamed, and I pulled her up into my arms so she wouldn’t get crushed. By then, my struggle became to keep the little girl safe from the growing crowd.
"Hey, don’t push," I told them easily. "It’s okay. Just wait."
"Nick!"
"Nick!"
"Nick! NICK! NICK!"
And Clara’s wail resounded in my ear. She grabbed on to my neck hard and I felt a tug at my back. The throng had encompassed us in a tight circle, and I was paralyzed at that spot.
"Clara!" I heard Maggie shout as she pushed her way through the crowd. They pushed her back, and I saw her use her elbows to get through.
Clara reached for her, and she tried to take me along but only managed to make me stumble.
"Police," Maggie was saying. "Police is coming," she said and she took her sister out of the mess.
I nodded still trying to smile. But quickly lost sight of her as the crowd pushed forward again with me tripping over the people behind me.
The auditorium was so close, and if I ran really fast, maybe I could make it. Someone grabbed on to my arm and dug her nails in.
Ow!
"Nick!"
"Nick!"
I raised my head from the poster I was signing to look up at my haven. I could be there in seconds if the crowd would just let me by.
Someone pushing a magazine at me ended up smacking me with it instead.
They laughed, so I had to laugh too.
Then there were screams, and some sounded like a person in pain while I tried to sign as quickly as I could.
"Nick!" someone yelled and pulled my arm down to kiss me on the cheek.
It was incredibly hot in the middle of the rush of people. It felt like the only thing I was inhaling was hot air. The world had become a tiny circle of faces and shrieks and hands that pulled at me every which way while I fought to keep my balance.
"It’s okay. It’s okay," I kept saying. "It’s okay. Just wait, please. Please?"
I felt a hard tug at my hair.
There was a loud laugh, and once again I was pushed back with the crowd. This time I actually lost my balance enough to fall and brought some people down with me. I almost stayed down there, covering my head if just to get away from the screams when the crowd pushed again sending girls practically trampling me, and each other. I was pulled up and back into the free-for-all only to realize that it had gotten worse. The police was cutting through, blowing whistles and shoving at the crowd. The girls ran for cover and for me more hysterically than ever.
"Nick!"
There was a scream of pain.
Someone yelled for help.
I struggled to stay standing when girls behind me who running away from the cops, sent me face first into the pavement.
Shit.
I was hurrying to get up and run for the auditorium when I felt someone pull me hard and fast. I fought back now just trying to keep my head up and breathe fresh air.
"Cut it out."
It was Mike who had caught me in the football hold. I lifted my feet and ducked my head as he pulled me through to the gate.
He didn’t put me down, and I didn’t open my eyes until we were inside the building. I remember immediately smelling the air-conditioning and being struck by the silence.
"...Nick?"
"C’mon, Nick."
"He was fine, guys. I just dragged him in here a second ago."
I forced my eyes to open only to find more faces. The world hadn’t gotten any bigger. All that seemed to exist in it were a loud noise in my head, a breath stuck in my chest, the wall I seemed to be leaning on and the sound of Kevin’s voice. My heart took such a thud I heard it. My knees shook hard under me, as I felt a shudder of pain in one of them.
Someone shook me. "Nick? C’mon, breathe in and out."
"He’s hyperventilating," another voice said.
"Hey. It’s okay. It’s okay," Kevin said. "Just stop. Relax now. It’s over."
My lip quivered beyond my control, and I forced myself to look at him and listen to the words.
"It’s over," Kevin was saying slowly. "Relax. Breathe, Nick. Breathe."
I stopped a tremulous breath stuck in my throat and let it out slowly. It came out in gasps, and I saw Kevin’s face relax a little.
"It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. Man, you gave us a scare. What is with you? I can’t believe you...," he stopped and looked at me. "Stop looking so scared. It’s okay. Everything’s okay now. You’re inside." He took my cap off my head and pushed my sweaty, matted hair back for me. "You’re fine. It’s okay." He kept searching for my face as he talked to me. I just kept trying to catch my breath.
I had to draw in another breath and concentrate to control it until my chest seemed to remember how to breathe.
Howie stepped away from me, and suddenly everything seemed cooler. Kevin wiped my face for me and I saw his hand come away with blood.
"You got a good scrape there," he said looking at the side of my face. "You hit the pavement pretty hard. ‘D and I saw the whole thing and were running out there when Mike caught on to what was going on and went to get you. That was practically a riot, Nick. Are you all right? You haven’t said a word."
I had to search for my voice and then for the words in my head. Things were barely starting to look normal.
I blinked at him and managed to croak, "Okay. I’m okay."
Howie came back with a bottle of water and a first-aid kit.
Kevin pulled me until I was sitting on a bench. My knee sparked in pain and I had to set it straight in front of me.
Kev sat next to me and got to opening the kit and going through its contents. I was still concentrating on breathing, not even beginning to think about why knee felt like it was throbbing. Howie pushed the small, cool bottle into my hand, and I just held it there. In a second, it wavered so much that ‘D had to take it back.
"You’re shaking, man," he said and rubbed my shoulder. "It’s okay."
"I’m sorry," I said.
I heard Kevin half-laugh, Howie sighed loudly.
"Don’t be sorry," ‘D said easily as he opened the bottle for me. "We’re happy that you’re okay. We thought we’d never see you again."
But the same thought was stuck in my head. "I’m sorry for everything," I said. "For getting us stuck inside, for making Johnny mad, for making us play the dumb park, for being such a baby, for--."
"Sh," Kevin said pulling out a bottle that finally satisfied him. "It’s okay."
"No," I cried feeling the tears pushing their way out. "I’m sorry because all I ever do I screw things up for you. All you ever do is help me and--."
"Nicky stop," Kevin said. "It’s okay. We understand how hard this is for you, sometimes, okay? Hold still, you’re still bleeding."
"But I’m sorry," I repeated as I felt nothing but the tears leaving my eyes when he pressed some liquid onto the side of my face.
My throat hurt from all the pressure in my chest.
Kev shook his head. "Stop being sorry, baby. That doesn’t fix anything."
"Doesn’t it sting?" Howie asked with a wince.
I shook my head.
"Don’t move," Kev said. "You have to stay still." He pushed off some of my tears with his thumb and half laughed. "You’re lucky those girls didn’t rip your clothes off."
Howie laughed, but I could hardly even smile. I was starting to realize that my knee was throbbing because it was bleeding. My sock felt wet, and the blood seeped onto my jeans. I reached down to it only to hurt myself with my touch and to feel something wet.
I flinched.
"What is it?" Howie asked bending over to my knee. "Did you hurt your knee, too?"
Kevin glanced down as ‘D pulled up the baggy leg of my jeans. I looked up to the ceiling afraid of what they were gonna find.
"Shit," Kevin muttered with a hiss.
"Oh man," ‘D said. "You’re a mess."
"Here," I heard Kevin tell Howie. "Put a bunch of this stuff onto this bandage. We have to make sure he doesn’t need stitches."
"Stitches?" I repeated.
Kevin pulled my hand up so that I could hold the compress to my face. "Hold this," he said and sat on the floor to look closely at my knee.
I made myself look down only to see the crimson blood all over my sock and sneaker. The lower part of my leg felt sticky already. I closed my eyes.
"It’s not so bad," Kevin said. "I think you’ll live. It’s just that--."
"Boys, c’mon the band’s ready."
I looked up to find Johnny in the doorway. Fine time for him to show up.
"What on Earth?" he asked approaching us. "Nickolas, what happened to you?"
Kevin muttered something while Howie half laugh.
"I--," I began but had no clue what to say. "I..."
He rolled his eyes. "That was you, wasn’t it? That was the commotion out there, right? Everyone was saying a fight had broken out, but it was you. It figures they would be protecting you. You were out there, and got mobbed, right? Of course you had to sneak out and ruin everything. What were you thinking?"
Kevin looked up at me. "You don’t have to answer that," he said. "Just keep your mouth closed."
"What?" Johnny asked. "What is your problem, Kevin?"
Kev was silent and he cleaned up my knee, and pressed a new compress against the still oozing blood.
"Richardson?" Johnny sighed. "What the hell does it matter? You guys keep pulling the same shit. You know what the consequences are. Mike’s out of here."
"No--!" I began, but Kevin cut me off.
"You’re not firing anyone," he drawled calmly without looking back at Johnny.
I thought fire was going to come out of Johnny’s ears. Kevin might as well have slapped him.
"You have some explaining to do," Johnny said stepping closer to us but using that surreal, atypical lower tone. "Actually, a lot of explaining to do."
"Let me see your face," Kevin told me without reacting to Johnny’s words.
I slowly pulled away the compress as he peered at the side of my head.
"It’s okay," he said seemingly satisfied. "Running around after Brian all these years finally paid off. Your knee’s pretty messed up though, and--."
"Kevin!" Johnny finally hollered taking another step closer. "What the hell is going on?"
"... you might not be able to dance," Kevin finished in the same calm tone.
‘D breathed uneasily and looked at me.
"Hold this," Kevin told Howie and placed his hand over the compress on my knee.
He slowly got to his feet and deliberately took a stance in front of Johnny, hands on hips, chin raised.
"You’re not firing anyone," Kevin said. "And furthermore,--."
"Furthermore what? What? What the hell else could have to say to that? Nothing. You have nothing to say about who I hire and fire," Johnny cried. "You knew, Nick knew the consequences and--."
"They were unfair consequences," Kevin said keeping his voice low. "I think we both knew that from the beginning, and I’m not stupid, Johnny. I know what you’re doing."
Johnny’s eyes bulged. I pushed myself back against the wall afraid that the punches were going to fly, and that they’d somehow land on me. Howie shifted around to watch them and his hand slipped off my knee.
I groaned.
"Sorry," ‘D said with a slight smile. "Sorry."
"And furthermore," Kevin continued. "We’re not abiding by that not-ever leaving-the-hotel rule. It’s ridiculous, and we’re old enough to do as we please within reason. We understand that there are limitations."
Johnny shook his head. "No you don’t. Nick went out, and look at what happened to him. You think we’re going to risk that every time the urge for fresh air strikes? Are you crazy?"
"No," Kevin said. "I’m not crazy. I’m a human being. We are human beings who need to have a life outside of this job. And--."
"You would have one. If Nick wasn’t so stupid."
Kevin crossed his arms over his chest and shifted his weight. I realized for the first time he was a good four inches taller than Johnny. "Nick’s not stupid. He’s a kid. A kid who only wanted to do what kids do. We were the stupid ones for letting you turn us against each other. You punished us for what he did and made us all get mad at him. But it was you who made up the unfair rule. He just did what any one of us would have done after days of being cooped up in a hotel. It’s what you would have done," Kevin glanced back at me. "He got hurt because he was irresponsible. But we were the ones who left him alone to make the choice. And it’s not gonna happen again. You will not manipulate us and pit us against each other again."
Johnny stepped within inches of Kevin who didn’t even move.
"And what is it that you intend to do?" Johnny asked. "How could you possibly stop me?"
"Easily," Kevin said. "We quit."
Silence. I could actually hear the band guys laughing and playing around through the wall.
"What?"
"You heard me," Kevin said. "You pull a stunt like that again, and we’ll quit. You’ll have no paychecks to sign without us around. No kids to push around and manipulate."
"You can’t quit. You’ve signed contracts," Johnny said with an astonished laugh.
Kevin shrugged. "I’d rather you sue me for breach of contract than have my cousin be so sick he can hardly sleep through the night. Or have Nick get left behind in some strange country. Or have him running off and getting hurt when I know I’m the one who’s responsible because you sure as hell aren’t. Besides, how do you think all of this would sit with Nick’s parents? He is under-aged, and I believe you’ve signed papers saying you’d be responsible for his safety. He wasn’t very safe today, so...," Kevin broke off. "So, now you get to make the choice," he glanced back at me and Howie then turned back to Johnny. "What’s it gonna be?"
I think Johnny’s words were actually caught in his throat. I’d never seen that man speechless before.
"I don’t even know what we’re doing at an amusement park anyway," Kevin continued. "I think after selling out entire stadiums in this country, we’re a little beyond this."
Johnny seemed to be trying to find a way to contain himself. I think it was because he knew that Kevin could kick his ass, not that he would. If I was the one arguing with him, he would have exploded full-fury.
"Kevin, the contracts have been signed. What do you want me to do? Pull us out and make us look unreliable?" he asked. "A lot of stadiums we’ll be able to sell out like that."
Kev shrugged. "Well, I think it’s not up to me. Nick hurt his knee pretty bad out there, and I don’t know if he’s up to performing. I think it should be up to him."
No.
I sat up and felt my knee start up again. Howie tried to hold my leg still after I tried to hold back a moan and failed.
"Kev, I don’t--," I began.
"You don’t have to decide right now, Frack," Kevin said. "Johnny here is willing to wait. After all, if it wasn’t for you, he’s the one who wouldn’t have a paycheck."
Howie actually started giggling, and Kevin came back to us at the bench. He started putting away what he hadn’t used from the first-aid kit looking as cool as he ever did. Johnny glared at me, and I’m sure he was mentally cursing the day we were all born, especially me.
"I’m going to talk to Lou about today," Johnny began. "I think he should know about how you feel, Kevin. And if you are to have a voice in these things, he’s the one who has to give it to you. Nick, make up your mind quick, son. I have to let he park know what we’re doing."
I nodded. "Okay. Yeah."
"Oh, he’ll let you know," Kevin said as he shut the kit. "Don’t you worry."
Johnny hurried out to the stage area and left us behind. Howie went into an all out laughing fit.
"That was good, Kev," he said. "You actually scared him."
"Good," Kevin said leaning on his knees. "I’m glad. He needs the fear of God put in him. Who does he think he is?" He looked at me. "How’s your knee?"
"It stings," I admitted.
"Yeah, it should. You had so much adrenaline in your system when you rushed in here that you couldn’t feel a thing," Kev said glancing down at the scarlet bandage. "Think you’ll be up to tonight?"
I nodded. "I’ll be fine, I think. I’ll just take it easy."
"Yeah," he said with a satisfied sigh.
"Frack!"
"Hey!"
We looked up to find Brian and AJ hurrying to us. They looked funny dressed in dark clothes, caps and sunglasses.
"Where’ve you been? How’d you get back here?" Brian asked practically pushing Howie out of his seat to get next to me. Unfortunately, Howie’s hand, which had been keeping pressure on my knee went with him.
"Ow," I croaked.
Brian was inspecting me for damage it seemed like. He went through the scrapes on my face, to the nail marks on my forearm and finally, the still-seeping wound on my knee.
"Keep pressure on it," Kevin said pushing my hand toward my knee and kicking a chair towards me. "And raise it up."
Slowly, I put my leg up and looked at Brian, who actually looked confused.
AJ leaned forward on the chair. "So, what happened?"
I think he to meant me, but I pretended not to know.
"You missed it," Howie chimed in with a smile.
"What? What’d we miss?"
"Kevin scared Johnny," Howie said with smile. "He sent him out of here and running back to Lou."
"You did what?" Brian asked.
Kevin smiled. "It was nothing. I just told him like it was. I already told you guys that things are gonna change around here. They have to."
They all looked at each other funny, and truly, I wasn’t in the mood to investigate.
"Nick?" Brian finally asked. "Are you gonna tell me? What happened to you?"
I shook my head. "It’s a long story."
"You didn’t see?" Kev asked. "Cuz, you missed it. Nicky got mobbed by a bunch of girls."
"Girls did this?" AJ asked inspecting my face and knee. "What were they Amazons?"
We all laughed, and I felt Howie through his arm around me.
"Yeah, but he’s all right now," Howie said. "Right?"
I nodded.

"Nick, you have a guest," Mike called as we finished up a quick late rehearsal before performing at the park.
I limped over to him. "Who?"
"You dog," he said with a smile. "That’s that girl from the hotel, isn’t it?"
"Maggie? She made it over here?"
"I recognized her," he said. "She was asking me if you were okay, and I realized I saw her everyday at the front desk." He elbowed me. "She’s a hottie. She’s by the stage, kid."
I found Maggie and Clara comfortably set up with backstage passes as they had been let in before the crowd.
"Nick, you’re okay?" she asked hurrying up to the stage.
I nodded. "I’m fine. Everything’s fine. I’m sorry," I said for what seemed like the millionth time that week.
I slowly made myself sit on the edge of the stage and first pulled Clara to sit next to me. Maggie followed.
"I was very worried," she said. "I saw how they threw you down. I thought you were really hurt."
"I’m fine," I said touching the bandage on my face. "It’s nothing. I’m glad you came and talked to Mike. He’s very cool."
"He is very nice," she said. "But I was worried about you, that’s why I talked to him. He gave us the passes."
"I know," I said and sighed. "I wish we could have made it on the ride. Maybe some other time?"
"Any time," she said and smiled. "Any time you want."
I was quickly running out of small talk when Clara grabbed on to my arm. I almost jumped thinking we were going to get mobbed again.
"Brian," she said peering over my shoulder.
Frick was strolling across the stage and hadn’t seen us.
"Hey," I called. "Bri, come meet my friends."
He looked surprised. "Sure Nick. What’s up?"
Clara actually held on tighter to me when she saw him come close. She was that excited. I heard Maggie laugh and looked up to catch a smile from her. But Brian can practically work magic with kids. It wasn’t long before Clara was running off somewhere with him, neither understanding what the other was saying.
"I’m glad you came," I said scooting closer to Maggie.
"I am glad too. I want to hear the songs," she said. "All the songs."
"Well, I’ll sing them all for you tonight, how about that? I mean, as long as I can hobble around."
"Okay," she said with a small laugh. "Okay."
I was exhausted by the end of the show. It was funny because Kevin actually told the crowd that I had gotten hurt so not to expect me to dance like everyone else. They cheered to make me feel better, and I ended up dancing anyway. Needless to say, the cut reopened, and Kevin had to help my re-bandage it twice before the end of the show. Maggie and Clara hung out backstage with us until it was time to go.
"We’re not going to have to run, are we? I don’t think I can," I said to AJ as we finished changing back.
He shrugged. "Not sure, bro. I’ll find out. Don’t worry. Kevin got Johnny doing anything for us now. So, I wouldn’t be surprised if Johnny himself carried you out to the van."
"And dump me in the trash can?" I asked. "I don’t think so."
AJ laughed.
It turned out that they figured out a way to get the van right up to the loading entrance so that we wouldn’t even have to worry about getting mobbed. That was a relief because even if I was forced to run, I doubted that I could do it.
Once again, Johnny managed to disappear as we loaded into the van well-past midnight because we waited until the crowd outside thinned out as much as possible.
"Are you gonna tell me what happened?" Brian asked as he pulled me up. "Aje and I were looking everywhere for you."
"In the park?" I asked sitting down next to him.
He nodded. "All over the park. We even...," he trailed off with a smile. "We even got on that ride."
I balked at him. "The roller coaster? My roller coaster?"
He nodded.
"You hate roller coasters," I reminded him. "How’d you even get through the line? It was endless."
"Bone’s charm," Brian said. "And I figured it was a once in a lifetime thing. I’ll never do it again." He rubbed his stomach. "I’m not sure when I’ll be able to eat again."
I leaned back on my seat suddenly so tired that I could’ve fallen asleep right there.
Bri elbowed me. "So what happened?"
I started to tell him as the other guys loaded into the van. Howie and AJ went straight to the back. Kevin stopped next to me.
"You okay?" he asked gently turning my face to look at my scrape.
I nodded. "Fine, Kev. I’m sorry," I said. "I know I made all you guys crazy today."
He looked over at Brian and they shared one of those looks only they understood.
"What?" I asked. "What? You guys aren’t still mad? Are you?"
"Mad?" Kevin asked and squeezed in next to me. "Baby, why would we be mad at you?"
I was at a loss. "Because... because I always screw up everything. I did make Johnny mad and got us stuck inside the hotel."
Kevin shook his head. "Didn’t you hear a single thing I said to him? Did you think I was lying?"
I shook my head.
Brian sat forward. "We got really worried when we couldn’t find you. We thought you’d finally really left and were never gonna come back. It was as bad as when we lost you in Holland. AJ and I looked everywhere in that park. You have no clue."
"But you got on the coaster," I reminded him.
"What?" Kevin asked surprised.
Frick smiled. "We got cuts, and it lasted all of three minutes. But when my stomach settled down, we went back to looking for you. Honest."
"Yeah," Bone said backing him up. "We looked everywhere, Frack. You don’t know how much of that park we covered in that short time."
"And ‘D and I got to talking about a lot things," Kevin said.
I sat up fearing that they were finally going to kick me out of the group.
Howie sat forward. "We realized why you took off, Nick. It’s because you’re always the one stuck. You get stuck alone when we take off with our girlfriends or out to clubs. You get stuck alone doing stuff you like because we don’t like it. And we just wanted to say that we’re really sorry that we were all such jerks to you this week. I mean, if we had actually done things that you wanted to do, then you wouldn’t have had to try to take off on your own, right?"
I was in shock, and cleared my throat to say something but couldn’t think of anything. I just nodded.
"So that’s when I realized that Johnny was playing us against each other," Kevin said with a shrug. "He knows that cherish our time off, and he decided to punish us by ruining that. But he was also smart enough to put the blame on you. In reality Nick, we all share the blame. Sometimes, I forget how much younger you are. And that maybe you like to do things that I don’t. We should have made time to come to the park with you, or we should have stayed home from the club, or something."
I still hadn’t thought of anything to say, so I stayed quiet.
"By the same token," Kevin continued. "You’re going to have to realize that we are older than you. There’s nothing any of us can do about that. So we are allowed to do things that you can’t. That’s just the way it is."
"But we’re willing to do stuff that you want too," AJ said. "I mean, we all usually like the same stupid stuff anyway. But we’ll just do it together more often, okay?"
I nodded. "Okay."
"It’s a promise," Frick said with a laugh. "But you have to promise not to take off anymore."
"I promise," I said and smiled. The gesture pulled on my healing scrape, and it hurt. "Ouch."
"’I promise. Ouch’? What kind of promise is that?" Aje asked with a laugh.
For the first time, felt like they were really my brothers. It was easy to be someone’s friend when things were easy. But to be someone’s brother, one had to make it through the bad times to actually get to the good. And that held true especially for panics like mine.
That’s what family actually meant, even Bart learned that in the episode where he killed the bird. He ended up finding the dead bird’s eggs and helping them hatch. When Marge caught on to what he was doing, she was so touched that she helped him. The catch was that they weren’t even the bird’s eggs. Out hatched carnivorous flying lizards.
I leaned back and closed my eyes as I felt more tired and heavier than I had the whole tour.