“Who is that skank?” I asked peering at Roger’s computer screen. “She’s like in all the pictures with him?”

Roger clicked on the arrow that would take us to the next picture, but I wasn’t really sure that I wanted to see it.

“Probably just a fan,” he said lowly. “I wouldn’t worry if I were you, Becky.”

“Ugh,” I said watching the next photo come into focus. And there she was. That little blonde. “Is that his bus?”

Roger chuckled and clicked on the arrow again.

“Hey! Let me see,” I protested taking the mouse from him. “Don’t hide this stuff from me.”

“Becky, it’s nothing,” he said. “It’s just some chick.”

“How you do know?” I asked and found myself pouting. “How could you even know? And why are you defending him, anyway? I thought you hated him.”

“I don’t hate him, Beck. But I don’t want you freaking out either. Nick’s not being unfaithful to you. You’re on the phone with him every night. How is he going to have a chance to even be unfaithful? Stop stressing over stuff that doesn’t even matter.”

I shook my head as I recognized Nick’s bus. That was it. That was his bus. I had gotten a tour of it the night before the Super Bowl when I flew out to meet him in Atlanta. We had long, passionate kissing and touching session that I had reluctantly put a stop to. But he had been good about it. Now, he had taken another girl on his bus. He told me that he’d never do that. That it wasn’t safe.

“He lied,” I muttered.

“Becky!” Roger protested. “Stop jumping to conclusions and give the guy a chance to ex--.”

“Explain?” I jumped at him. “What the hell is wrong with you? I thought you were my friend? Why are you even thinking about defending him Roger?”

“Because,” was all he said.

“Because?”

“Because you’re finally truly happy, and I don’t want to see you blow it over some girl who doesn’t even matter. She probably snuck on the bus,” he said with a shrug. “Fans do that.”

“Well, she should have been kicked off,” I said finally getting rid of the offending window. “I don’t even know why I do this.”

“I don’t either,” he said. “I don’t know why you waste precious lunch time doing this. We could bidding on some WWF memorabilia. I think the Rock’s sweaty socks are up on the block.” He laughed.

“The Rock,” I shook my head. “Yeah, that would make me feel better.” I glanced back at my cell phone that should have been ringing at any second. Nick usually called during my lunch time. He was somewhere on his way to Denver if I remembered correctly.

It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him. The minute I let myself get into a relationship with him, I knew I had to trust him. Living away from each other made everything impossible without trust.

And when he said good-bye on January 20, I clearly remembered swearing undying love, trust and friendship, no matter what came next.

But when some, skinny, blonde, smug-looking girl smiled next to him in a photograph, that memory got very distant.

“.... a set of three Super Star sippers,” Roger was saying. “It’s Steve Austin, Undertaker and the Rock.”

I shook my head and pushed away from the computer screen. “Yeah, that really helps me.”

“Becky!” he whined. “C’mon.”

“Quit calling me Becky. Only he calls me Becky, and I’m not even sure why I let him.”

He was actually quiet for a few seconds before he laughed. “You’re losing it, woman. Just ask the boy who she is. I’m sure there is a perfectly good explanation why she’s in all those pictures with him. Really.”

Really?

Really, I was going to sound like a jealous, unreasonable, distrustful girlfriend, and I knew that was the last thing he wanted.

The small cell phone began to ring right on time, just like it did at 12:30 every day.

“Hello?” Roger said. “That’s what you’re supposed to say when you click the ‘okay’ button.”

“Quiet,” I told him and grabbed the phone. “Hello?”

“Hello?” Nick repeated in a light tone.
“Hey,” I said.

“Hey,” he repeated.

“Nick?”

“Nick?”

“C’mon. Stop it.”

“C’mon. Stop it,” he said.

I waited for him to quit playing.

“Hello?” he said.

“Hey. How are you?”

“Hey. How are you?” he repeated.

I shook my head and got quiet again.

Then he started laughing. “Hey Becky! How are you?”

“Fine,” I said.

He laughed some more. “Fine? That’s all. Are you okay?”

“Yes.”

“Yes,” he repeated after me.

God, he drove me crazy sometimes.

“I’m just playing with you, girl. Are you mad? I know you’re not mad, right?”

“No,” I said making sure I didn’t clench my teeth. “I’m not mad. How are you?”

He sighed. “I’m good. I’m tired. We traveled all night last night, and I hate sleeping on that bus. I’m ready to sleep on a bed that doesn’t move.” He laughed.

And I wanted to laugh too. I wanted to tell him that it wouldn’t be long before they hit California, and he could sleep on a bed that didn’t move. But the way I was feeling, he was going to be sleeping alone.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m fine. I’m sorry you’re tired. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to travel so much.”

“It sucks,” he said. “But it’s okay. I get to see you in a week.”

I nodded though I was on the phone. “Yeah. Finally, huh? I can’t believe how quickly the time has gone. It seems like you just left.”

“Tours always go right by. That’s why I miss touring so much when I’m home. But it’s hard not to be home. I miss you too much when I’m working.”

And he got a smile out of me. He always did.

“I miss you too,” I said. “I miss you a lot.”

“What are you doing? Did you eat lunch?”

“Yes,” I said. “Did you eat breakfast? I know how late you get up.”

He laughed. “Yeah. I ate breakfast. Dad and me are gonna stop at a mall and get Bri a birthday present. It’s his birthday tomorrow, you know?”

“Really?” I asked though, of course I knew. I read about it on the site that featured the pictures of Nick and the skank.

“Yup,” he said. “Don’t ask me what we’re gonna get him, but we’ll have to think of something fast. It’s usually a matter of minutes before we get recognized, and it’s all over the mall.” He chuckled. “I remember this one time, AJ and me tried to go see a movie. That was a mistake. Girls were snapping pictures of us in the darkness, and they almost left us blind.” He laughed some more. “Jay wished he had his sunglasses on back then.”

I faked the laugh, and he caught it.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

“Don’t, ‘Nothing,’ me. I know you. I know your voice on the phone better than anything else. What’s wrong, Becky?”

“Nothing Nick.”

“Tell me.”

“There’s nothing to--.”
“Tell me.”

“But it’s just that--.”
“Tell me,” he insisted. “And you’d better.”

I shook my head and dropped into the chair. Roger was still going through the auctions. He was looking at life-size cut outs of the wrestling goons.

“Becky?”

“Nick, it’s stupid. Never mind.”

He sighed. “Nothing that could be bugging you is stupid. Okay? Nothing. Just tell me. What’s wrong?”

I didn’t have a lot of experiences with guys to fall back on. Nick was pretty much the only guy I had ever taken seriously, and I didn’t want to start out being an unreasonable, petty girl.

“Rebecca? While we’re young?”

I sucked in air and went for it. “Nick, I saw some pictures of you with a girl. And it’s not like a girl who walked up to you and posed. She’s like with you. You look like you’re on the bus, your bus. Like you’re backstage with her. Who is she?”

“Is she blonde?”

“Yes.”

He seemed to think. “Are we kissing with our tongues flying all over the place? Because I was afraid you’d see the one of us kissing.”

I went cold for a second only to realize he was teasing me. He loved driving me insane.

“Rebecca!! She’s some girl that sweet-talked security into getting backstage. One of the guys promised her that she and her friend could hang out with Jay and me. God knows what she did to get him to agree to it, but he’s got my back. I couldn’t say no.”

“They’re kissing you on the cheek. Both of them.”

“Um yeah,” he said. “It was just a playful thing. I kiss the guys on the cheek all the time too. You don’t think that means anything, does it? Because if you do, then we’re in serious trouble. And wait ‘till I tell you that AJ’s starting to kiss me back.”

That did it. I finally laughed.

“That’s better,” he said easily. “You’re not worried about me and some girl, are you? You’re not thinking that I’m out there doing what I promised that I wouldn’t, because I’m not? Seriously. I know I’m making fun, and Kev always tells me not to when things are serious, but I’m not playing anymore. There is nothing going on, okay? I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
I knew he wasn’t lying. And that I was very stupid to even doubt him.

“C’mon. You know that, right? You know how much I’m looking forward to next week. It’s all I think about. I keep telling myself that it’s just a little while.”

“A little while,” I echoed him with a smile this time.

“Want me to sing you the song? Will you stop being mad at me if I sing you the song?”

I had already stopped being mad at him. But I still wanted him to sing me the song. “Yeah. That would work.”

He laughed softly and cleared his throat. “In a little while, surely you'll be mine. In a little while I'll be there. In a little while, this hurt will hurt no more. I'll be home, love. When the night takes a deep breath, and the daylight has no air ... if I crawl, if I come crawling home, will you be there?” He easily sang the lyrics to our favorite song. Every time I listened to it, I heard his soft voice instead of Bono’s raspy one. “In a little while I won't be blown by every breeze, Friday night running to Sunday on my knees....”

I had bought us both copies of All You Can’t Leave Behind the day before he left, and we both clung to that song immediately. It was about getting closer to the one you love when they’re far away. It made sense for us.
“Want me to keep going?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said.

He chuckled again. “Okay. That girl, that girl, she's mine. Well, I've known her since, since you were a little girl, with Spanish eyes. Oh, when I saw her in a pram they pushed her by. My, how you've grown. Well it's been, it's been a little while.....Slow down my beating heart. Man dreams one day to fly. A man takes a rocket ship into the skies. He lives on a star that's dying in the night. And follows in the trail the scatter of light.”

Without even realizing it, I had closed my eyes to listen to his sweet voice. Everything else in the whole world was gone.

“Hey, the guys are looking at me funny,” he said seriously, for once.

I opened my eyes to find Roger gaping at me as well. “Sorry,” I said and turned away from him. “I just love hearing you sing that song. I just love hearing you sing.”

He giggled. “Hey, if you make it out to the Grammy’s I can sing to you privately. Because these guys just stare too much!”

“I told you I’d try for that. It’s still a maybe. Roger’s staring at me too. I’d better get that stupid look off my face.”

“Becky, you don’t look stupid. Like ever,” he said.

“You don’t look stupid. You look retarded!” Roger called and laughed.

“Does he still hate me?” Nick asked. “I can’t believe your one friend hates me.”

I had to laugh. I did only have one friend.

“He’s....,” I searched for the right word. “He’s just like that.”

Nick laughed. “Don’t worry about the Grammy’s. We might not even go.”

“Okay. But what are the guys doing with you? Aren’t you on your bus?” I stopped when I realized I sure spent much of the conversation asking questions.

“Hm,” he said. “No. We’re all piled into Kevin’s bus right now. It’s the neatest. Mine‘s a mess.” He laughed. “Actually, after I get off the phone, we’re going to have a meeting.”

“So they’re waiting for you?”

“Yeah, but they can wait. They know I do this everyday. So far, I’ve done it in how many time zones?”

“This is your third one. And pretty soon you’ll be here, then back again.”

He sighed. “Yeah. And what are we gonna do anyway? Do we need to go apartment hunting?”

“No,” I smiled because I had a few surprises for him when he got to LA. “We don’t. We can do normal stuff, like go on a date.”

“Normal? I don’t know much about normal, Becky. But if you say so, I guess I’ll give it a try.”

It was my turn to laugh. “Hey listen, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about freaking about because of that girl.”

“Are you? Are you, really? Or are you just saying that so that I won’t think you’re a crazy, jealous girlfriend?”
My heart jumped to my throat, and I desperately thought about what to say.

And he just stayed quiet letting those words fill my confused head.

Suddenly, his laughter shot out of the digital phone. “Becky! Becky! I’m just playing. Of course you’re going to wonder about what I’m doing. I’m practically half a world away most of the time. We’ve never gotten to spend more than a few weeks together at a time. It’s normal for you to have doubts. This is the only life I’ve ever known. I’ve never had a girlfriend who hasn’t had to put up with this lifestyle. I’m going to worry about you when you stop asking questions and start jumping to conclusions.”

I wanted to be mad at him for making everything into a joke. But at least he understood me. At least, he knew where I was coming from.

“So, it’s okay,” he said. “I understand. But I need you to understand too. Where I am and what I do, forces me to be around a lot of people. If you think about it, I have been around millions of girls since I was thirteen years old. But I only spent my twentieth birthday with one of them. I only came home from Europe to try to convince one of them that we had a chance, right? Right?”

I smiled. “Right. It’s just where you have lots of experiences I have none. Even though I’m two years older than you, you know so much more than I do. You’re stuck with me being--.”

“I’m stuck with you being exactly who I want. And Beck, for all the experiences I’ve had, remember that they probably were not serious. I’m never anywhere for very long. Girls who are willing to leave their lives behind to follow me, probably don’t have a life of their own. And you know that I don’t want that. I want you.”

I was smiling, and surely that retarded look was back on my face. “I want you too.”

“Good,” he said. “And listen, I’d better go. These guys are giving me dirty looks. I’ll call you tonight when I’m settled in Denver. Okay?”

“Okay. I’m glad you called, even if I went nuts on you.”

“It’s okay,” he said. “I like nuts. Peanuts. Walnuts. Cashews.”

I cracked up. “Nick, you’re so silly.”

“Thank you. Talk to you later, okay?”

“Okay, bye.”

“Bye.” And he was gone.

“Ah love,” Roger said as I turned back around to face him. “Do you have any idea what would happen if all these girls found out about you guys?”

I bit my lip. “What?”

“Well, apparently, you’d become the most hated girl in America. That’s what happened to his last girlfriend. She was trying to get her singing career going and just couldn’t do it being attached to Nick. The fans booed her at her shows. They spammed her website. And hit her upside the head with a soda can. It‘s all on this site.”

I shook my head, not because I disapproved, but because I understood. “Well, if I wasn’t his girlfriend, I can’t swear to you that I wouldn’t do the same thing.”

Roger shook his head. “Rebecca, you--.”

“Roger, you don’t get it. Nick has something about him. I remember feeling it before I met him. He’d be on TV, and I just stare and stare at him with this big, goofy smile on my face. And his solo parts were always my favorite parts of the songs.” I shrugged. “He’s Nick, and there’s nothing you can do.”

He laughed. “Woman, he’s a guy. Guys are how guys are. You’re going to have to realize that, okay?”

“Maybe. Maybe, I will.” I shook my head. “But I doubt it.”

--

Love was new to me.

I think I was the oldest person ever to go through puppy love. Yeah, I had dated guys in high school and in college. But my time and attention had been so deeply invested in my family, that I thought it was normal to see someone for a few months and then just let things go. Either, they would get tired of me not having time for them, or I would realize on my own, that it wasn’t fair to drag someone along when I could only see them a couple of times a week.

Roger was the person I had known the longest. We met our junior year in college and ended up studying together and, by consequence, just sitting around talking. He was a quiet guy who lacked a social life, just like me. His excuse was that he was that some cold-hearted woman had already ripped out his heart once, and he was not going allow another to do it ever again. In other words, he was just afraid.

Fear, it turns out, is a paralyzing thing.

“Hello, you!” Nick greeted pulling me into the tightest hug ever.

“Hi,” I mumbled from the tight grip I was in.

I made the five hour drive up to Oakland in like four and half. I knew Nick would be tired from the drive out of Oregon, but I had asked for my first week’s vacation, added to that my personal days, and I was going to be able to spend nearly ten days with him.

“Let me look at you,” he said pulling away. “I never get to look at you anymore.”

I smiled as his eyes scanned over me. And he smiled right back.

“You’re so beautiful,” he said. “I dream about you every night, but I never get you quite right. You’re always more beautiful in person.”

“Nick,” I protested embarrassed because he had a loud voice, and I didn’t want everyone looking over at us to check if he was exaggerating.

“What?” he asked putting his arm around me and holding me close. “We said we’d be normal, and it’s normal for a guy to gush on his girl. Right?”

“Right,” I admitted holding on to his middle.

We were in the lobby of a fancy hotel in Oakland, and surprisingly, no fans were around.

“They think we’re staying in a different hotel, a fancier one,” he said when he caught me looking around. “We’re good for tonight. What do you want to do?”

“If you’re tired, we can just stay in. I don’t want you to feel like we have to go party it up if you’d rather rest.”

“I can rest when I die,” he said. “How‘s your mom?”

“She‘s good. I saw her before I drove out here. I feel kind of bad leaving her for such a long time.”

“We can go see her Saturday. We have the day off, and I‘m sure she‘ll be happy to see you.”

I smiled. “Thanks.”

“But what do you want to do tonight?”’

“Whatever you had in mind is fine,” I said with a shrug. “If you need to rest, then you should.”
“Bone! Bone!” he called across the lobby.

AJ was discussing something that ended in a loud laugh with some members of security.

“What?” he yelled. “What’d want? Oh hey,” he said when he saw me. “Hey Rebecca. How are you?”

“I’m good. How are you?” I still got nervous around them, even though they had been nothing but nice.

“I’m good,” he said standing in front of us. “It’s nice to see you. Nick says you’ll be joining us for awhile.”

“Until Vegas,” I said. “I got my vacation and some personals that I was going to lose if I didn’t take. What better vacation than seeing Nick?”

AJ started to smile then shook his head enthusiastically. “At this point, I need a vacation from this baby. Do you have any idea how much he whines over you? ‘When am I gonna see Becky?’” AJ whined. “’When are we getting to Cali-FOR-nia?’”

I laughed and Nick shook his head. “Shut up, Bone.”

AJ smiled at me. “So what’d you want?”

“I just wanted to know if you’re heading out tonight. We were trying to come up with something to do. Are you gonna club?”

AJ seemed to think. “Um..., I dunno. I was thinking a nice, quiet evening indoors watching Beaches would be a good way to unwind from the constant travel and work. We could order some milk and cookies.”

Nick was already shaking his head. “It doesn’t have to be a club. We can go see a movie, then. Or we can --.”

“Of course we’re clubbing!” AJ shouted. “What are you? Stupid?”

Nick chuckled and held me a little closer. “Is that okay with you? I think Kris is joining Kevin. Maybe they’ll come along.”

“It’s fine,” I said. “All I want to do is be with you.”

“All I want to do is be with you,” AJ repeated and shook his head at Nick. “If you’re not the luckiest dumb ass in the whole world, I don’t know what you are.”

I know I blushed, and Nick gave him a soft shove. “Shut up, man. You’re gonna scare her off if she thinks my friends are weird. My friends aren’t weird, Becky. It’s just AJ. He’s like that.”

“AJ’s great,” I said. “I think your friends are all great. You’re really lucky to have them.”

“Yeah, well,” Nick said looking around. “Got your bags? Or are they in your car?”

“In my car,” I said. “Are you sure it’s going to be okay if we go drop it off when we leave Oakland. I probably should have flown up here.”

“It’s fine,” Nick said. “We’re going from here to Sacramento, then to LA. It’ll be fun to drive your car down instead of the bus.”

“Oh, so we’re taking your car tonight,” AJ smiled. “Great. I hope it’s big. The security guys weigh like three hundred pounds each.”

Nick was already steering me away from there. “Don’t listen to him. He’s insane. Let’s just get your stuff and grab sound lunch. How does that sound? Is that good?”

“That’s great.”

We rushed into the cold mid-morning breeze and hurried to my car.

“Brr,” Nick said squeezing me closer to him. “California is supposed to be warm.”

“Not northern California,” I said. “It’s always freezing here.” I disabled my alarm and we jogged the rest of the way to my car.

“Your cool little ‘stang,” he laughed pulling the bags out of the trunk. “Ugh! What’d you bring? The whole house?”

I laughed. “It’s going to be almost eleven days, Nick. I have to prepared.”

“Well, we do laundry, you know? You have heard of doing laundry right?”

I just laughed.

He set the bags down and turned to me.

“What?” I asked crossing my arms against the cold. “Can’t I take all this stuff with me?”

He touched my cheek then ran his finger down to my chin. I blinked up at him, and all the sensations that ran through my body registered.

“I’m so happy to see you,” he said softy and pulled my chin to his face.

I met his kiss and wrapped my arms around his neck.

We kissed for what seemed like forever. It had been just about a month since I had seen him last for his birthday.

“I’m happy to see you too,” I said. “I--.”

“Sh. Hang on,” he said putting his finger to my lips this time. “I have something for you. Remember this?”

He pulled off the chunky, black onyx ring I had given him for his birthday the year before.

“Yeah,” I said. “I barely knew you, and I gave you a ring. This year, I just gave you cologne.”

“I love my cologne. But I really, really love my ring. I wear it everyday now. It reminds me of you. That’s why I got you something to remind you of me.”

The wind blew through my hair and he had to push it back for me.

“Nick, you didn’t have to get me anything.”

He sighed. “Becky, we’ve been dating now since like what? July? That’s like eight months. Have you realized that?”

Eight months. No, I hadn’t realized that. But I had realized that I logged in countless hours on the phone, and that the day after his birthday, I had gone to work on zero sleep.

“No. Eight months?”

He nodded. “Eight. Eight months. I saw you for a little while in July. We got more time together in August. I got to see you for Christmas, but then, in January, I had to go.” He smiled tightly. “And even though, you came down for my birthday, it was like only minutes. So...,” he sighed. “So, I wanted to give you something that made things more real, more serious, more meaningful, okay?”

I swallowed back. “Okay.”

He pulled out a beautiful thick, silver band. Right in the center, there was an aquamarine stone just about the color of his eyes.

I felt my stomach drop to my knees. “Nick, it’s beautiful. You didn’t have to--.”

He stopped me once more. “I wanted to. I wanted to know that this is serious to me. I’m serious. I don’t ever want you think twice about some girl you see me in a picture with. I don’t ever want you wonder what I’m doing. I want you to look down at this ring and know. Just like I look down at my ring, and I know. I know you’re here for me. I know you love me.”

He blurred before me because of the tears that hit me out of nowhere.

“No,” he said softly and pulled me to him. “Don’t cry. Don’t, Becky.”

I tried not to, but the fight was hard. I had never felt anything as strong as my love for him.

“I’m sorry,” I said looking back up to him.

“It’s okay,” he laughed. “It’s all right. Here. Let me put your ring on. I hope it fits.”

If it hadn’t fit, I would have made it fit. But whatever Nick touched was perfect, and it slipped effortlessly on to my finger.

“There,” he said putting his back on. “Now we both have rings.”

“Thank you,” I told him. “It’s so beautiful. It’s the color of your eyes.”

He just smiled.

“I get what you’re doing. But I didn’t need this. I already trust you,“ I said with a smile. Then the wind hit again, and I shivered.

“You’re cold,” he said pulling me to himself. “I’m sorry. I just really wanted to give you the ring. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

He had my bags back in his hands in no time. “Let’s go.”

Even when we jogged back to the hotel, my thumb immediately felt for the silver band on my ring finger. Though it fit exactly right, I was afraid it might slip out.

--

We had a good time dancing that night. AJ, Kevin and Kristin were quick to disappear and leave us alone.

“Think they’re gone?” I asked looking around at about three in the morning.

“Gone? Gone like, as in, they left us here?” he asked.

“Yeah, as in they left us here.”

He shrugged. “Knowing AJ? Yeah. He probably left with some chick long ago. Kev and Kris probably decided to go make some time alone, if you know what I mean.” He raised an eyebrow at me.

I smiled. He was sitting on a bar stool next to me. His hand was on my leg, and it had been there since we sat down.

“Well, they’re married,” I said with a shrug.

He frowned. “Yeah, but they did it before they got married. You do know that, don’t you?”

It was my turn to joke, and I made a lost face at him. “They did?” I ask wide-eyed. “You mean people do that?”

He stared at me. I could have sworn he took a little bit of his eye to make my the bright blue gemstone in my ring.

I smiled.

“You’re kidding? You’re joking,” he said nodding. “Oh okay. Joke’s on me. Ha ha.”

“Yeah Nick. I know people do that when they’re not married.”

He smiled at me. Truth is I had no experience in that department either. I had gone farther with Nick than I had with anyone in my entire life. So I wasn’t just the oldest person to go through puppy love, I was probably the oldest virgin alive as well.

“I guess we’re just taking things slow because we never see each other, right?” I asked. “I mean, I know that I love you. I know that. But sleeping with someone is a big step.”

He leaned in a little closer to me, and his hand slipped off my leg. “It is a big step. And if you’d rather wait to see how things play out, that’s fine. But I want you. I really, really want to be that close to you.”

I bit my lip. “Nick, it might be a bigger step for me than you know. I mean, I never... I’ve never.... You see, since I haven’t had any serious boyfriends, I’ve never...”

He read my face and sat up. “What? Really? Are you serious? You’ve never?”

I shook my head. “No. And don’t think that I don’t to be that close to you too. But I guess ...,” I dropped off and shrugged. “I guess I’m not sure.”

He looked confused like someone had just told him his eyes suddenly turned brown.

“Nick, it’s not a big deal. It’s not like I’ve been saving it,” I said stupidly. “It’s just I’ve never loved someone enough.” I shrugged. “So, I guess that means that I have been saving it.”

Finally, he was nodded. “Yeah. No. I understand. That makes sense to me. I guess, I just thought that because you were older, you had.”

I shook my head and almost felt like apologizing though I knew I had done nothing wrong.

“Wow,” he said softly then caught himself. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make a big deal out of this. It makes me sound like perv, so never mind.”

“No, it’s okay,” I told him. “I’d rather we talk about it. When we were in Tampa, things got kind of heavy, and it wasn’t that I didn’t want to. But I wanted you to know.”

“It’s just that...,” he said slowly. “I waited a long time, too. I mean, I guess longer than most guys. And I did it with someone that I thought I really loved. But I was wrong. Now, I’m kind of wishing I had waited for you.”

I felt my face turn hot for a second. Here I had been thinking that he was disappointed because we weren’t just going to jump into bed.

“It’s okay,” I said and grabbed his hand back. “You’re going to get to teach me a lot of stuff, more than you already have. You can pretend some of it is new to you too.”

He shook his head. “I will never, ever pretend anything with you, Becky. Everything will be new. Okay? I promise.”

I had to smile at him. Then after I second, I put his hand back on my leg.

--

Nick’s dad was decently nice. But he wasn’t thrilled with the idea of us driving my car from Oakland to Sacramento.

“It’s like an hour drive,” Nick said exasperated. “It’s nothing.”

“Nick, the drive is nothing,” Mr. Carter said. “But have you stopped to think what might happen if you get recognized?”

“This is California. There are celebrities all over the place. So someone sees us driving? What’s the worst that could happen?”

Mr. Carter rolled his eyes. “You really want to know the worst? Some silly, stupid, lovesick girl could try to take your picture while she’s driving and talking on her cell phone at the same time. Or she could just freak out and lose control of her car. You know this, Nick. You know that there are things that you can’t do.”

I heard Nick suck in air, and I started to feel really guilty. I never should have taken my car.

“You know I’m right,” Bob said. “You know that there is nothing you can say to my reasoning.”

“No,” Nick said. “I just learned to shut up and give in. It’s easier to do that than to argue. I don’t know if you sound like Kevin, or if he sounds like you.”

Bob chuckled. “I’ve been paying him all these years, you know that?”

I laughed before Nick did because he was too busy giving his dad the eye.

“Yeah, I believe it,” he said shaking his head. “It absolutely makes sense.”

“We’ll figure something out. But I don’t think you guys should drive the car back. It’s just not a good a idea.”

“Okay,” Nick said. “Then let Becky drive the bus, and you can take her car back. It’s only an hour.”

Bob’s jaw truly dropped.

“Kidding!” Nick told him. “Don’t blow an artery on me. It was a joke. I can ask Mike to take your car back, Beck. He’ll be to and back from Los Angeles before the Sacramento show. Unless you have an objections to that, dad.”

Bob seemed to think. “Is it going to be okay for you to be without security, son? Because you never know what--.”

“Uh no!” Nick whined. “Don’t start up on me. Becky and me will stay inside, okay? Really. We’ll lock ourselves up in the hotel, and we won’t come up until Mike comes back. Really.”

That had been our original plan anyway. After our talk on Friday night, we had kissed all the way back to the hotel, and I didn’t bother to go back to my room. I was pretty sure where I wanted things to go, but we were both still taking it slow.

“Well, if you promise,” Bob said almost sarcastically. “Like you two aren’t dying to lock yourselves up away from all the craziness.”

I had to laugh, and Nick grabbed my hand. “We’re gonna go find Mike, so we can tell him. I guess we go to Sacramento, in what, an hour?”

“Now would be nice,” Bob said. “I’m ready now.”

“An hour it is,” Nick said pulling me away. “Next time I tour, it won’t be with my dad. God, why was I so stupid to agree to this?”

“He’s a great guy, Nick. He’s just looking out for you.”

“I’ve already got Kevin for that,” he said. “Or have you forgotten?”

I just laughed.

“No really,” he said. “I’m trying to keep things civil with him because it’s hard. He yelled at me last week.”

“He did?”

“Yeah, Jay and me snuck out in Chicago without security. We were fine. And we really weren’t doing anything, but he got all stressed. Like I don’t know how to take care of myself.”

We walked quickly through the buses and back to the back entrance of the hotel. Of course, the fans had discovered the less-fancy hotel. We had been spotted a couple of times, but the girls had been nothing but friendly and polite.

“Hey, at least your dad is around,” I told him. “Remember, I hardly knew mine. He had been long gone by the time I was old enough to get a clue. And if your dad questions your judgment, it’s just because he’s older. That’s what dad’s do.”

“I’m back to the original question, Becky. Isn’t that Kevin’s job?”

I closed my mouth, because I wasn’t sure if he was truly angry or just being sarcastic. We had had this conversation before. His family was meddlesome and over-protective. Mine was held together by tiny seams ready to bust at any moment.

“What are you fuming about, Nicky?”

We both turned to find Kevin behind us.

Oops.

“Nothing,” Nick said. “Where have you been?”

“Seeing Kris off. She’s going back to LA for some more work stuff. But she’s going to meet up with us in Vegas. You’re going to Vegas with us, right?” he asked me.

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m on vacation, so I’ll be there.”

“You’ll love it. Have you ever been?”

“No,” I said. “Never. I guess this is the first time that I can afford to take a vacation. Work’s been really good.”

“Hey yeah, that’s great. You’re the reporter. I had forgotten. I mean, I knew you had a job,” he said. “But I didn’t know what it was. I thought it might be..., oh I don’t know... Model?”

I cracked up because I was at least a foot too short for that and probably nowhere near attractive enough. I knew Kevin was teasing Nick more than me, but it was nice to get a compliment out of him.

“Keep it up, Kev,” Nick muttered. “It’s just been one of those awesome days.”

“Aw, c’mon Nicky. It’s okay,” Kevin smiled. “You told Becky you have her wedding planned in Vegas?”

“What?”

“Shut up!” Nick yelled at him. “God, you guys enjoy torturing me too much.”

Kevin was too busy laughing, but he grabbed Nick and squeezed his shoulders.

“Sorry. I’m sorry, baby. I’m kidding. He never planned the wedding in Vegas, Becky. I’m just bugging him because he’s mad. Why are you pissed?”

“I’m not pissed,” Nick said softly. “I’m just annoyed. My dad’s being dad-like again. Like he thinks that after years of being out there in la-la land, he can just come in and take over.” He shrugged. “Forget it. It’s fine.”

Kevin narrowed his eyes. “You wanna ride on my bus? Kris is gone, and there’s plenty of room. You guys can stay with me till Vegas.”

Nick shook his head. “No. It’s fine. I have to find Mike so he can do me a big favor. After that, we’re going to Sacramento. Are you taking off soon?”

“Yeah, probably after I eat. Everyone still here?”

“AJ and Howie are gone. Bri and Leigh are here, but I think they’re leaving,” Nick said. “We’re gonna talk to Mike and go. But we’re going to be without security, so we’re staying indoors. If you need me for anything, just call the cell.”

“Sure,” Kevin said with nod. “That’s fine. And if things keep stressing you with Bob, just come stay with me. Really. It’s fine.”

Nick finally smiled at him. “Thanks. I’m okay. I just have to find Mike so we can get the heck out of here. See you later.”

“Later,” Kevin called and smiled at me. “Bye.”

“Bye,” I waved.

Nick gave me little nudge. “Don’t get giddy because he said you could be a model.”

“Nick! I know he was playing.”

“Aw, you got giddy. Admit it,” Nick said.

I just shook my head.

Mike agreed to take my car back to Sandra’s house as long as we promised to stay out of sight. He took his job of taking care of Nick seriously, so he didn’t want anything to happen to him. Either way, it didn’t matter. Our plan had been to stay indoors and out of sight.

“Was it a big deal for you?” I asked as we settled into the room in Sacramento.

He was staring out the huge window out into the mountain view.

“What? Having sex for the first time?”

I nodded, but I guess he didn’t hear that, so he turned to me. “Yeah,” I said.

“Um, sorta,” he said. “You gotta know that since I was fourteen, people were asking if I was a virgin, as if it was any of their business. And the guys were always questioning me whenever I went out with anyone. So I knew more people were going to know about it that what is normal for a guy. As far as I know, guys do it, and that’s it. No one even cares.” He shrugged.

For some reason, I shrugged as well. “Yeah, I don’t remember my male friends talking much about it. But it was a big deal for my sisters and the girls that I knew. Most of them waited until they got married. I know Sandra did.”

He sat down next to me on the huge bed. “Was that your plan? To wait until you got married?”

I laughed nervously. “Um, I didn’t really have plan. I just figured I’d make the decision when the right time came along. The right time and the right guy. But I’m so slow, Nick. I mean, how can I be so old and barely doing some of this stuff for the first time. Barely living on my own. Barely falling in love. Barely getting to know someone sexually. I should have been long past this.”

He pushed my hair off my shoulder and leaned forward. “Time doesn’t mean anything in this case. You could very well have done it when you were sixteen with someone that you don’t even care about. You could wait until you were thirty and still not found the perfect guy. It’s all about what you really want.” He smiled at me. “I don’t know a lot things, Becky. I mean, most of my life, I’ve had these four guys around who all think they know better than me. Brian is always telling me to slow down. AJ is always telling me to hurry up. Kevin is always telling me that I do stuff wrong. Howie...?” he shrugged. “He’s just Howie. And let me tell you, I’ve had chance after chance to make love, have sex, sleep with, screw around with countless of girls since I was fourteen. And I was very tempted on many, many occasions. But it wasn’t right. I knew I didn’t want to tell my own kid, ‘It was with some girl in Cleveland. Or was it Cologne?’ That’s not how I wanted things to be. So all that matters, Becky, is how do you want things to be? Do you want to rush in? Do you want to take things slow? Do you want to wait?” He shrugged. “I totally respect that you’ve waited this long. Remember, I wish I would have.”

I bit my lip while I tried to get it through my brain that he was really sitting next to me. We were truly considering have sex for the first time. I was actually ridiculous enough to have doubts.

“I know you’re the right person. I know this is the right time. I don’t want to wait.”

His face actually turned serious. He slipped his hand under my chin and pulled my face closer to his.

“Just be sure. And be honest with me, okay? That’s all,” he said.

“It’s honest,” I said. “I’m being honest. I have no reason to lie to you.”

He finally smiled. “Okay. Let me turn off the cell phone.”

--

“Where the hell have you been?”

I blinked and moved away from Nick, so he wouldn’t hear the conversation.

“With Nick,” I told Sandra. “I told you that I was going to come spend a few days with him.”

“You did? I don’t remember you telling me anything,” she said. “So, you’re on vacation.”

“I got a few days off.”

“And you’re with Nick?”

“I already told you that.”

She was silent. “You’re alone with Nick. I don’t suppose Roger went with you.”

“Sandra, I’m old enough to spend a few days with my boyfriend.”

“Yeah, especially when he’s cruising the world for a few months, right? He sure must be getting lonely and needing someone to sleep with. Or has he been picking up girls along the way.”

I was exceptionally close to hanging up on her. But I really needed to know how my mom was doing.

“Sandra, that’s none of your business. How’s mom?”

“Oh,” she half-laughed. “You called to see how she is. You mean, you won’t be coming down here for the next few days, right?”

“I’ll be there. We’re planning to go tonight, but I don’t know if I’ll make it. But we’re going to be in LA pretty soon. I’ll be there.”

“Yeah. Okay. Sure. Just the same way you’ve been here the last few months, right? I swear Becky, ever since I took mom out of that house, you’ve totally forgotten that you have a mother.”

“I haven’t forgotten!” I protested. “I’ve been busy. I’ve been trying to get my own life going. You know that.”

“That’s what you tell me. But I don’t know,” she said tiredly. “Listen, she’s fine. The nurse checked her vitals, and she said everything is normal. We’re going to the doctor day after tomorrow. Anything else?”

I bit my lip and stared out at the same view Nick had been watching just hours before. No, sleeping with someone was not a life-changing experience. Here I was just hours after doing it with Nick, and life was exactly the same.

“No, that’s all I wanted to know.”

“Okay. Bye.” Click.

She was gone.

“Nick, I gotta go,” I said looking around the room. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for, maybe my car keys. Mike had them. Damn. He and my car were gone.

“What?” Nick looked up from the TV. “Why? What’s wrong? Is your mom okay?”

“Yeah, she’s fine. But Sandra is freaking. She’s being uglier than normal with me, so I’d better to put in an appearance.” I was rifling through my bags for a jeans and shirt, but apparently, I had just packed skirts. How stupid was I?

“Becky?”

Nick seemed to materialize in front of me. He pulled the bag away from my hands.

“What?” I asked still following the bag. “What?”

“Hey. Hey, please. Stop,” he said and grabbed my hands. “What? What is it? What’s wrong?”

I closed my eyes and shook my head. “Nothing. Nothing’s wrong. I just hate it when she’s right. I hate it when she makes me see how stupid I am.”

“Hey,” he said more seriously. “Becky? Stupid, you? No. How did she make you feel stupid? What did she say?”

“That same stuff she always says, Nick. That I’m leaving my mom behind. That all I care about is me. That I’m too busy following you to care about what happens at home.”

“Oh Becky,” he said so softly that I looked up at him. “Don’t. Don’t start this all over again. She feels guilty for all the time that--,” he stopped. “Never mind. C’mon. Let’s go.”

“What?”

“Let’s go,” he repeated. “We’ll go see your mom, but not for Sandra. We’re not going to do it to put her at ease. We’re going to do it to put you at ease. Okay? I don’t want this hanging over you. Don’t you see? You deserve to have a life. You deserve to do this, and a whole lot more. Don’t feel guilty. It’s not your fault your mom is sick. You’ve been a good daughter all this time. You’ve taken care of her, and now Sandra’s taken over. Let her. But you need to go see her, so let’s go. I’ll rent a car, and we’ll be down there in no time.”

“It’s a four hour drive. And there’ll be traffic at this hour.”

He shrugged. “I don’t care. Let’s do it. Let’s go.”

Not six hours later we walked up to Sandra’s front door. Nick was nothing but polite to her, though he cursed her all the drive down. My mom was actually doing well, but I was happy we’d gone to see her. It made me see a lot of things about Nick.

No, sex is not a life-changing experience.

Being in love with someone is.

I had never seen anyone take my own problems so seriously. Maybe for so long, I had been dealing with them on my own. But things were different with Nick, and that shouldn’t have surprised me.

“.... that girl, that girl, she’s mine,” Nick sang softly as we drove back home. “Well, I’ve known her since, since she was a little girl with Spanish eyes.” He chuckled. “Slow down my beating heart. Man dreams one day to fly.”

“It doesn’t go like that,” I told him watching the very early morning race past us.

“You’re right, but those are my favorite parts.” And he sang again. “Slow down my beating heart. Slowly. Slowly love,” he laughed again. “It’s late now. I have to be up in a few hours.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. We have press stuff to do. It shouldn’t be too bad. We won’t do anything serious until we hit LA. But still. We have to do a few newspapers and stuff like that.”

“Hey,” I turned to him. “Really? You’re doing newspaper interviews? You should do another one with me.”

He laughed. “Really? You want to live out that little scenario again.”

“Not the same way,” I told him. “You made me nervous enough that first time. My palms were sweating. It’s amazing that I could even hold the pen correctly.”

“Really?” he threw me a glance, so I nodded.

“Really. I had been nervous for days and days. I remember that I practiced my questions on the bus over and over. ‘Is there anything you’d like to say that no one has asked you?’”

“Yeah! Wanna come to my party?” he laughed. “I was nervous too. I hate doing press alone. But I couldn’t even tell that you were nervous. You were all professional with your little notepad until I cracked you up.”

I smiled. He had cracked me up. And he even called Brian to tell him all about it.

“I knew I liked you. I always know when I like someone,” he said easily. “And when I got to talk you, and you were normal, I really liked you.”

“You thought I was normal? Is that all you were shooting for? Someone normal?”

”What do you mean, ‘is that all?’ Hell, when you’re me, normal is everything. Everything, Becky.” He shook his head. “I felt so stupid when I lost your number.”

“Hey, but I found you. I dragged myself to that basketball game, and I found you.”

He was laughing as he pulled into the hotel parking lot. “Yeah, that’s true. But hey, you didn’t even go talk to me. You were talking to Kobe Bryant. Why’s that?”

I thought quickly remembering how even more nervous I had been to find him again. I would have never had the nerve to go up to him.

“Huh?” he prodded as he parked the car. “Aren’t you gonna tell me?”

“Nick I--.”

“Shit,” he muttered.

I looked up to find him staring into the hotel lobby. His dad, Mike and Kevin were out there, and it didn’t look like a happy reunion.

“What?” I asked. “What’s wrong?”

“I bet they’re looking for us, for me. Shit. Like I’m twelve or something. I told Kev we’d be in the room. If he needed me, he knew all he had to do was call...,” he trailed off and felt his pockets. “Shit. I left the phone upstairs. I even forgot to turn it back on.”

Once again, I had made trouble for him. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Nick. I didn’t know that--.”

“Don’t apologize. They’re the crazy ones who think I can’t take care of myself. Shit,” he shook his head. “I’m tempted to leave and let them keep freaking.”

“Nick, don’t,” I said. “Let’s just go clear up this mess. It’s not really your fault.”

He shook his head. “It’s the same thing day after day with them. You’d think they’d understand that I know better now. You’d figure that life would change, but it doesn’t, does it?”

I shook my head. But they had reason to worry. We left Sacramento about two, and were in Los Angeles by eight that evening. We only spent a couple of hours with my mom because she had to get to sleep. We stopped to grab some dinner and had headed straight back to Sacramento. But it was nearly three in the morning. They did have reason to worry.

“Hey. Look, there‘s Blonie. I‘m outtie,” AJ said from a couch in the lobby. “They’re in one piece. Let’s get to sleep.”

“Nick!”

“Man, if you ever pull that on me again, I’m gonna beat you,” Mike said and actually managed to sound easy. “Where the hell were you? You promised to stay out of sight.”

“Well, we did,” Nick said. “No one spotted us. We’re fine.”

“Lucky is what you are,” Bob said. “But remember son, luck is for the stupid.”

“I’m not stupid,” Nick said, and I saw him clench his jaw. “We’re fine.”

Bob shook his head. “We’ve been out all night looking, just so you know. I can’t believe that after all these years, you still don’t get it. You still don’t get that you can’t do just whatever you want and expect for people not to be affected.”

“It’s my fault,” I told them. “We went to LA to see my mom. I’m sorry.”

Nick pulled me back. “It’s not her fault. I forgot my cell, and that’s why you guys couldn’t find me. It was mine. I’m sorry. But next time, have some faith that I know what the hell I’m doing. I’m not going to go out and cause a stupid riot or get so drunk that I won’t be able do drive back here.” He shook his head.

His dad stared at him, and I saw that same look that Sandra gave me. It was that same look that said, “Nope. You’re not doing what I expect for you to do. Therefore, whatever you do is wrong.”

“Frack, it’s okay,” Kevin said. “As long as you guys are okay, then everything is okay. Go get some sleep. We have a full schedule tomorrow.”

Nick nodded and tugged at my hand. “Sorry, Kev. You know I never--.”

“It’s fine,” Kevin told him. “Forget it. Get some sleep. And drag Bone to his room while you’re at it. He just rolled in.”

“He did? I thought he was out looking for me with the rest of the patrol,” Nick said lowly and gave AJ’s shoulder a push. “Move it, Bone.”

“Carry me,” AJ said.

“Okay, sleep on the couch,” Nick told him. “It’s fine with--.”

“Fine. Fine. I’m up,” AJ smiled. “See? Hey Becky.”

“Hey, AJ.”

“You guys pull an all-nighter? Were you out dancing?”

“We were visiting my mom in LA,” I told him as we started for the elevator. “She’s sick, so Nick took me to visit her.”

“Aw, Nick’s sweet, isn’t he? If we all went to jail, he’d the first one the prisoner’s would... Ow!”

Nick smacked him so hard, the poor guy tripped into the elevator.

“Don’t talk to my girlfriend about prison, Bone. We’re not going to prison. Like ever. So shut up.”

I laughed, but something caught my eye. Mike, Kevin and Bob were still talking, and Bob didn’t seem to like anything they had to say.

--

“No girlfriends? Not even one?” AJ was asking that first night in LA.

“C’mon. A cousin?” Howie asked. “A neighbor?”

“You have to have one girlfriend. Think Becky, think. Like way back. Maybe middle school or elementary school. You must have hung out with someone.”

I did think. I thought very hard, but I didn’t hang out with anyone. I was busy going to class, to the newspaper and home.

“No, I’m sorry,” I told them. “I don’t have any friends. Well, just Roger.”

“Who’s Roger?” Howie asked. “Your dog?”

“No. My only friend. We met in college, and he’s the only person I guess that I could even call my friend. Besides Nick.”

“Aw,” AJ said.

“Call Roger,” Nick called from the other side of the pool table. “Maybe he’ll like them.”

We were wasting time before the first sound check at the Staples Center. There was going to be a big party after the show, and Howie and AJ wanted to know if I could get them dates.

“I don’t want Roger to like us,” Howie said shaking his head. “Why would we want Roger to like us?”

“Because he hates me,” Nick said and leaned in to take his shot. “Can’t even stand the sight of me.”

“Is he jealous, Becky? Is he one of those repressed best friends who is in love with you like on Friends? Or on When Will met Grace?” AJ asked in a serious tone.

We all cracked up before he even realized what he had said.

“That’s Will and Grace,” Howie cleared up for him. “And how can they be in love, if he’s gay?”

“Like Roger can be in love with Becky if she’s taken,” AJ explained with a shrug. “It’s possible. This is life, and everything is possible.”

“Tell me about it,” I said. “I never thought Nick would give me the time of day, but here I am, right? And I don’t think Roger is in love with me. He’s just protective. Besides, he was defending you the other day,” I told Nick.

“Who? Me? Why? Why’d I even need defending?” he asked confused.

I glanced down at my shiny ring and decided just to tell him. “We were online when we saw the pictures of you and that blonde girl. He was the one that kept saying that she was just some fan. He kept sticking up for you.” I shrugged. “I figured it was guy thing.”

AJ laughed and easily took his shot. He was way ahead of Nick, who was still talking trash about being the best pool player in the group.

“It is a guy thing,” AJ said. “When the guys aren’t in direct competition for the same girl. But this guy must have some kind of strategy.” He scratched his chin. “I’ll figure it out. Maybe he’s letting Nicky here get his own ass in trouble. Maybe he’s out there finding pictures of us with other girls just to get us in trouble. Well, you in trouble,” he said to Nick.

Nick shook his head. “Man, Jay. That girl was with us for what? An hour? She kept finding excuses to stick around and no one would throw her out. We were just being goofy and playing around. I was never even alone with her, and here I am still explaining myself.”

“Hey, I trust you,” I said. “I’m over that.”

He stepped around the table toward me. “You’d better. You’d better be over it. And you know what? You should call Roger. He is your friend, and I bet he’d the enjoy the party. Plenty of girls go to them. Even these two losers will get some play,” he said pointing thumb toward Howie and AJ.

“Hey!” Howie protested.

“Wanna put money on that?” AJ asked.

We laughed. He leaned into my face, so I kissed him.

“You gonna call him?” he asked.

“Sure. I’ll call him. It’ll be fun.”

--

The party was held at some huge LA disco, the likes of which I never would have gone to on my own.

“Hey,” Roger greeted with a hug.

I had gone to meet him at the door because he wasn’t going to know anyone, and I didn’t want him to freak.

“How are you?” I asked.

“Good. I’m great. You’re doing okay? I was surprised you called.”

“It was Nick’s idea,” I said.

“Nick?”
“Yeah. It’s about time you get to know him, don’t you think?” I asked. “I mean, things are getting really serious with us, and--.”

“You didn’t?”

“I didn’t what?”

Of course Roger knew all about my lack of life experience.

“Rebecca? Rebecca, did you...? I mean, you guys, had... um...?”

“Sex?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah. I think it was kind of a natural progression of things, Roge. It’s not like we just jumped in, you know?”

He gave me a look. It was a look that said I had only been seeing him eight months, and that we had only spent a few days together.

“I was ready,” I said with a shrug. “Really. Who ever heard of a 23-year old virgin?”

“Look, all I care about is that that guy sees who you are inside. That he gets it. That he understands what he’s holding when he’s holding you. That’s all.”

He stopped walking, so I stopped as well. I don’t know if it was not seeing him for a few days, but he looked different. Maybe it was that I was so used to seeing him that I never noticed how he looked at me.

The place was already over-crowded, so people bumped us as they tried to make their way around us.

“We’re fine,” I said. “We’re great. I don’t really care about anything else. He makes me happy. And you know that I haven’t had a chance to be happy for a long time.”

He sent me a little smile. “Then I’m happy for you, girl. That’s all that matters.”

“Look at my ring.”

“Wow,” he said taking my hand. “That’s a shiny stone. Where’d he get it? The gum ball machine?”

“Roger!”

“I’m playing,” he laughed pulling me into a little hug. “I’m just joking. C’mon. Let’s go find your man.”

They had a few tables in the back of the club. Mike and the guys were pushing away the few girls brave enough to try to get autographs. Kevin and Kristin were together. AJ and Howie were busy checking out the girls that strolled by their tables. And they seemed most interested in the ones who acted like they didn’t know who they were.

“Roger, you know Nick. That’s Kevin, his wife Kristin. Howie, and AJ. This is Roger, my friend.”

“Nice to meet you,” he said politely shaking each of their hands.

Nick actually pulled him into a hug. “How are you, man? Glad you could come.”

“Yeah,” Roger nodded. “Thanks for the invite. I’ve never been here before. The line’s always too long outside, and they never let regular guys like me in.”

Nick wrinkled his nose at him. “Really?” He put his hand out to me, so I took him and sat on his other side.

“Sit over here,” I told Roger motioning to the seat next to me.

“Open bar,” AJ said leaning over to him. “Order whatever you want, Roger man.”

“Thanks,” Roger said looking at Jay like he was from Pluto.

“We’re gonna dance,” Kevin announced as he and Kris stood up. “You guys gonna sit all night?”

Nick seemed to think. “I dunno. Maybe. What do you think?” he asked me.

“Probably not,” I said.

“Probably not,” Nick repeated. “It’s whatever she says. Guys be careful.”

They waved and disappeared toward the sunken dance floor with one of the security guys following right behind.

By then, the barely-dressed waitress returned with our drinks and took Roger’s order as well.

“Now, she is hot,” Howie said watching he walk away. “If she wasn’t working. I’d buy her a drink.”

“So, tip her big,” AJ said. “That’ll buy her more drinks from you later.”

Howie gave him a confused look and scooted closer to the table. “So Roger, you’re a writer too? I mean, a reporter?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I still work at that dinky paper where these two met. But yeah, I’m a writer. Not a famous as Rebecca here, but I’m doing okay.”

“How come you don’t apply at a big newspaper?” Nick asked. “All Becky had to do was try.”

I saw Roger swallow back whatever had first come to mind. He still seemed to think that Nick’s influence had helped get me my job. And it had. But it was his influence on me.

“Yeah, I’m looking,” Roger said as Naked Girl put the beer down in front of him. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” she said and looked at him, then at Howie and AJ. “I know you guys. You guys come here a lot, don’t you?”

Roger half-laughed.

“Um no,” Howie explained. “We’re only in town for a few days.”

“Then how do I know you?” she asked with a very serious look on her face. “Are you famous?”

Nick rolled his eyes and held my hand tighter. “See why I’d rather be with you? We meet stupid girls all the time,” he said softly.

“Don’t you sing?” she asked Roger point blank. “Or you’re on a soap opera, right?”

“Um no,” Roger choked, embarrassed, then AJ nudged him.

“He’s a director,” AJ said easily. “Have you ever heard of Pulp Fiction? He directed Pulp Fiction.”

“Oh wow,” she said. “I’m an actress.”

“In LA, they all are,” Howie said softly through his teeth.

“What else have you directed?”

Roger seemed at a loss.

“All the Wild Horses,” AJ said. “And an episode of the Simpsons. I’m surprised you didn’t know that.”

“I forget a lot of stuff. It’s all this working nights,” she said squatting down and leaning her elbows on the table. “Working nights makes me crazy. What’d you say your name was?”

“AJ,” Howie told her. “His name is AJ.”

“AJ Dorough,” AJ piped up.

“AJ Dorough,” she seemed to try to make it make sense in her dense brain. “Why don’t I know that name?”

Roger quickly sipped his beer and downed about half of it.

“Well, it looks like you’re almost dry, Mr. Dorough. Let me get you another,” she said standing up with a smile. “I’ll be right back.”

I looked at Roger. In all my years knowing him, I’d never seen him drink. We always did such mundane, boring things together, like go get coffee or watch foreign films.

He smiled at me. “What?”

“Nothing.” I shook my head.

“Oh and AJ,” Howie said. “That movies called All the Pretty Horses, dumbass.”

AJ looked confused. “Who would call a movie All the Pretty Horses Dumbass? ‘D, that makes entirely no sense.”

We all laughed at that.

The “hot” waitress came back almost immediately with another beer for Roger.

“Anything else?” She smiled sweetly. “Anything at all?”

“Um, no...,” Roger began.

“How about...,” AJ seemed to think. “How about you go dance with Mr. Dorough? Mr. Dorough wants to dance, doesn’t he?”

“No,” Roger said immediately.

Nick gave me a look. It was almost as if he was wondering what I thought of their very male behavior.

I smiled. “Roger doesn’t dance.”

Finally, the girl looked over at me and half-frowned, half scowled at me. “Who’s Roger? AJ was asking me to dance.”

I saw Roger swallow hard. “Um, no. I don’t dance. Rebecca’s right.”

“Aw,” the girl whined.

“Okay, okay,” Howie said sitting up. “Then, why don’t you join us at our table? I’m sure your boss will let you. After all--.”

“I can ask,” she said tossing her long hair over her shoulder. “Just give me a sec.”

Roger balked at them and then at me. “Guys...,” he began.

“Aw, c’mon,” AJ said. “It’ll be fun.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Howie agreed. “Let’s see how long she buys our story.”

Nick leaned over me at them just as Roger turned to look at me. “What do you think?” he asked me.

“I think you should have some fun.”

I felt Nick grab my hand. “And I think we should go dance. You guys can do this without us.”

“No!”

“C’mon!”

I heard Roger laugh as he started to drink his second beer.

“Laters,” Nick told them as we made our way through the crowd. “The guys can be bad. But not bad in a bad way, you know? They’re just having fun. They’ll be cool to her.”

“It’s not her I’m worried about,” I said taking one last glance back. The girl was settling into my seat, and there was another tall, skinny one right behind her. And she had a tray full of drinks with her.

But Nick and I finally got to dance together again. And even though, they didn’t play old eighties music at the club, we danced with as much energy as we had to the Funky Town song, if not more so.

We ended up trying to out-dance Kris and Kevin for more than an hour which was a very bad idea. Those two danced more than anyone else I have ever seen. Kevin laughed at us a lot, though. I’m not sure why he found us so amusing. But he was quick with the dry humor and just as quick with an apology hug.

“Just kidding, Frack,” he said letting go of Nick after saying Nick still had the coordination of a skinny twelve year old. Actually, he had called him, “a twelve year old ostrich.” Then he laughed. “But you were clumsy, man. I swear, you fell down so many times.”

Nick shook his head and slipped his arm around me as we headed back to the tables. “Yeah, and I’m sure that I will never, ever forget it, right?”

“Right,” Kevin smiled letting Kris step in front of him.

Just then she turned to me. “Want to go to the bathroom? It’s better if we go together.”

“Sure,” I said.

“Go with them,” Nick told Mike who seemed torn between following them and accompanying us.

“We’re fine,” Kris told him. “Really. Take the guys back.”

Nick made a face, but Kevin just continued toward the tables.

“He’s so over-protective,” Kristin said over the music. “I swear, he’s worse than Kevin. And I didn’t think anyone was worse than Kevin.”

“He just worries,” I said. “I’m not sure why.”

“Because he got it from Kevin. I swear, Kevin practically raised him to be a worry wart. Only Kevin worries about everything, and Nick only worries about people. I guess you got lucky, huh?”

“Lucky isn’t the word for it,” I said and shook my head. “Sometimes, I even wonder how I ended up here.”

“He’s a good guy,” she said. “And he’s pretty smart in spite of whatever anyone else says. If he chose you, he must have his reasons, and I’m sure they’re good ones.”

“Thanks,” I said as we blinked into the bright ladies’ room.

“Ew,” Kris said. “This is gross. I can’t believe no one cleans these places.”

I smiled looking around and suddenly felt very happy for not having to go.

Everything had changed when we got back to the table. There were empty glasses everywhere, everyone was standing and Kevin was desperately tugging at Nick’s shirt to keep him away from Roger. And he was fighting AJ and Howie off to get to Nick.

“Hey!” I rushed up to them not having any idea what I’d do when I got there.

“... Nicky, don’t,” I caught Kevin saying.

“And there she is,” Roger said. “There’s Rebecca. Rebecca. You’re Rebecca. Not Becky. Not Becky, get it?”

“What the hell are you doing?” I asked. “What’s wrong with you? Are you crazy? Why are you...?” I stopped when I was able to really see him. “Roger. Roger, you’re drunk.”

“I’m not a skunk!” he yelled. “I don’t stink!”

“Hey. Hey man, calm down,” Howie gently grabbed his arm, but Roger yanked it away.

“Quit touching me, man! What are you? Gay?!”

AJ actually cracked up, and Howie backed away.

“I said you’re drunk, Roger. Look at yourself. Just look!” I yelled at his glassy eyes and stinky breath. “What did you say to him?”

He looked behind me at Nick. “Nothing.”

“Becky--,” Kevin called over to me, but I didn’t let him go on.

“Then what are you doing? What’s with the pushing? Why are you acting like this?”

“I’m not acting!” he hollered. “I’m not acting anymore. I’ve been acting for years. I’ve been acting all these years that I’ve known you, like I’m your friend. Like I can just talk to you and feel nothing. Like I can watch you go off with this... this... asshole, and be okay with it. That was acting. This isn’t fucking acting, Rebecca.”

And it seemed like the entire club was silent.

Poor, lost Roger looked at me, then over at Nick and shook his head.

“Fucking Backstreet Boy,” he spat. “Fucking, stupid Backstreet Boy. How the hell do I compete with Nick Carter.” He shook his head. “Mr. Perfect. Shit!”

“Dude, it’s time to stop,” AJ told him. “Just quit already. Kevin can only hold Nick back for so long.”

I glanced back at Nick who was just staring at us like he couldn’t believe his eyes.

“Rebecca? Rebecca, c’mon. I’m serious,” Roger said. “I’m not acting anymore. This is how I really feel. I really think about you all the time. I really want to be the one who you talk about 24 hours a day. I want to be the one you get jealous over when stupid girls take pictures with me. I--.”

AJ cracked up again.

This time, Roger turned to him.

“Shut up, freak! Shut the hell up. You don’t know what it’s like. You don’t know what it’s like to have some stupid idiot fuck the girl you want to be with--.”

“Roger!” I yelled in disbelief and suddenly, my heart pounded at my ears.

Kevin and Nick were having some hard battle behind me that toppled chairs to the floor.

“What? It’s true!” he said bitterly. “It’s true. You know it is. You let him screw you. After all those years of waiting, you choose him. That stupid Backstreet B--.”

I gave him a good shove into the wall behind him. “It’s not true. That’s not true, not how you’re saying it. You have no right to do this to me. None! How dare you wait until I’m happy to come out with this? How dare you even think you could come here when I’m trying to share my happiness with you and ruin it? I thought you were my friend! I thought you were, but you‘re not. You‘re nothing. You‘re just lost.”

“Rebecca! Rebecca, I’m not lost! I just--.”

“Becky, I’m throwing him out,” Mike said behind me. “We’ve caused enough of a scene.”

I gave him one last look just as Mike stood in front of me.

“Dude, don’t,” AJ told him. “C’mon. It’s me and ‘D’s fault for getting him soused. We’ll take care of him. It’s not his...”

I walked away from the conversation and back to Nick who seemed to be waiting patiently. When I looked closer, I saw that Kevin still held handfuls of his shirt.

“I’m sorry,” was all I could manage to say with the frog in my throat.

“You’re sorry?” he asked yanking himself away from Kevin. “How can you be sorry? You didn’t... I mean, it wasn’t your fault.”

“But still,” I said shaking my head. “But still, I’m sorry. I didn’t want--.”

He pulled me closer to him. “Stop. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything but try to be cool with him. If he had to be honest with you, then...” Nick shrugged. “Then what can you do?”

I hugged on to his middle while he wrapped his arms around me. Kevin had stepped in front of us, so I couldn’t see what happened with Roger, Mike, AJ and Howie.

“Let’s go,” Nick said so softly I barely heard. “Let’s just go.” He pulled my hand into his, led me away from all of them, and we didn’t even turn around once.

I was struck by how vulnerable we were the minute we stepped out of the club.

“If you decide to come back we’ll card you,” the bouncer at the exit door said gruffly without any clue who Nick was.

“It’s okay,” Nick muttered and glanced around the empty streets. “Any taxis?”

“They’re usually around the corner, but not till later, when all the drunks roll out.”

“Thanks,” he said and guided me quickly up the street toward a lamp post. “We’ll just call a cab.” He pulled out his cell phone while I glanced around myself. People in club clothes were making their way toward the huge line already snaking around the corner.

“Nick!”

“Oh my God!”

His head snapped up, and I saw him struggle to smile.

“Hi Nick!” the young girl gushed. “How are you? I love you... I mean, you guys.” She laughed. “I sound like a teeny bopper.”

“Hey hi,” Nick said easily enough. “How are you guys?”

“Great,” the older, more-composed looking one did. “Are you coming in or leaving?”

“We’re leaving,” he said holding his phone to his ear. “It’s late, you know?”

“But after hours is the best time,” the excited one gushed. “C’mon! Stay.”

“I can’t,” he said. “Hello?... Yeah... I need a cab...”

His conversation left me alone with the girls who took the opportunity to eye me.

“Hi,” I muttered.

“Hey,” the older one said. “Are you his girlfriend or his date?”

“You can’t be his girlfriend. His girlfriend is blonde.”

“Did you guys just meet in there tonight? Because if he’s picking up girls I want to be around next time he goes clubbing.”

I stared at them wondering how they could talk to either of us without even knowing us, much less like that.

Nick tugged at my hand and started down the street away from them while he still talked on the phone.

“... don’t have to be a bitch about it!” one of them called.

I turned to look just out of shock, but Nick pulled on me and made me keep going.

“Yeah, on the corner.... We’re there... Hurry, okay?... Thanks... Bye.” He clicked off the phone and looked around nervously. “Sorry about them. They don’t mean it like that.”

“Yeah,” I managed to say because I was so shocked that nothing else occurred to me. “We’re taking a cab?”

“Um-huh. I could get one of the guys to come get us, but I don’t want anyone to find us for awhile. Is that okay with you?”

“Sure,” I nodded. “That’s fine.”

Not a few minutes later, we were in the back seat of a smelly, down town LA cab with a guy who was in a real hurry to get us wherever we were going.

“I’m sorry,” I told him once more.

“Sorry for what, Becky? You haven’t done anything. There’s no reason for you to be sorry.” He leaned forward. “Hey, can you slow down, we don’t want to get killed, you know?”

The driver glanced back at him, muttered something but slowed-down only somewhat.

“Where are we going? Back to the hotel?”

“Nope,” he said pulling out his cell phone once more. This time, I saw him click the power button. “They would find us at the hotel, and just for now, I don’t feel like being found. Okay?”

I nodded. “Okay.”

--

“Nobody’s bought this place yet,” Nick said of his parent’s old Malibu home. “I can’t imagine why, with as much as they’re asking for it.”

He led me through the back gate and toward the rumbling beach on the other side.

“When we had my birthday party that year, I really wanted to show you this. This is my favorite part of the whole house. My parents chose it because it is on the beach, and they thought I’d be happy, but I wasn’t. The water here is cold more times out of the year than it is in Tampa. But there was this one spot...” He dropped off as he we stepped through the over-grown, un-kept garden. “Watch your step,” he said helping me down a little rock wall.

The little rock wall was all that protected the house from anyone who wandered on to the private beach.

“Thanks,” I said. The sea breeze hit and actually felt somewhat warm for March. I couldn’t believe we weren’t freezing already. “How did that little wall stop people from going to your parent’s house?”

“There’s all kinds of security around the neighborhood. You better believe intruders get spotted right away.” Nick stopped. “No shoes,” he said. “It’ll be easier to walk. We’re not going very far, but still. Just leave them there,” he said as we tossed our shoes on the wall.

“Intruders like us?”

He laughed. “Right now, I still own this place. C’mon.”

The tepid water reached our feet just as he veered away from the walk and closer to the water.

“Where are we going?”

“Somewhere,” he said. “Just trust me. Don’t you trust me?”

“You know I do,” I said.

“Yeah,” he said. “You do. C’mon.”

Maybe my night vision wasn’t that great, or I really needed new contacts, but the big rocky hill seemed to come out of nowhere.

“What’s this?” I asked as he took the first step up.

“This is my place,” he said. “Our place. C’mon.”

He pulled me up, through the jagged first steps and on to a flat, cold stone that practically jutted into the ocean.

The dark, almost peaceful water seemed to surround us. And above us, the early-spring stars twinkled filling the sky with sparks and shiny cotton candy clouds.

“Sit,” he said plunking down on the stone.

I had to still catch my breath from everything that encompassed us. I had made a few visits to the Pacific since my move to California, and it had never looked like this.

“Hey,” I felt him tug at my hand. “Sit with me.”

I sat down indian-style next to him, and he didn’t let go of my hand.

“It’s beautiful out here,” I said. “I’ve never seen the ocean like this, all around me and so calm.”

“That’s what Pacific means,” he said. “In Spanish, it means calm. Right?”

I nodded. “Right.”

“This ocean isn’t calm. Not like the waters are back home. I mean, it’s fine. I hate to be here knocking your home, but this just isn’t like mine,” he said and shrugged. “Maybe this little bit is. In this little bit, I found the same kind of peace that I found back home. Well, I used to find back home.”

“Used to?”

He turned to me, and nodded. The breeze ruffled his short hair, and just on impulse, I touched his face. “Yeah,” he said closing his eyes. “It’s not the same anymore. I don’t find that same peace there anymore. It’s not there.”

I shook my head. “Nick, you’re confusing me. What are you saying? Are you unhappy in Tampa?”

He opened his eyes and sat up from my touch. “No,” he laughed. “I’m hardly there enough to be unhappy. I’m just saying that’s not my peace anymore. It’s not my Pacific.”

“Okay. Then where is your Pacific? What are you saying?” I asked.

He leaned in just centimeters away from my face. “You, Becky. You’re my Pacific. You’re my peace.”

I tightened my grip on his hand and fought hard to not yell, scream or just fall off the rock from sheer happiness.

“I’m happy when you’re around and unhappy when you’re not. I like that you’re so real,” he said. “You don’t every try to impress anyone, you just do. Just by who you are.”

I was already shaking my head.

“What?” he asked with a smile. “What are you saying no about?”

“Me? You’re talking about me? That’s not me. I was telling Kristin tonight that I still don’t understand how I even got here. You’re my peace, Nick. Don’t you see that? Maybe I’m just reflecting the peace you’ve helped me find. You reassure me when everything else has gone wrong with my family. You know exactly what to say and exactly what to do when I feel lost. Heck Nick, you picked me. Out of all those girls who have been nervous around you before, it was me.”

“Heck yeah,” he mocked me with a smile.

I gave him a slight push. “Don’t make fun of me. I’m being serious.”

He sighed letting go of the laugh and pulled me closer into his chest. “Me too. I’m being serious. I haven’t given you anything Becky. Not one, single thing that you didn’t already have. Maybe we just found what we needed in each other.”

I leaned into his warm chest. “Yeah.”

“Yeah,” he repeated.

--

“Your friend was so embarrassed,” AJ was saying the next morning in the hotel lobby.

I still didn’t understand how he managed to never look tired. No matter how much he partied, or how late he stayed up, he was always ready to go.

“We talked Mike into letting him stay with us, and we just kept drinking. Hey, Roger doesn’t drink much, does he?”

I shook my head.

We were waiting for Nick, and he was late. Nick was never late.

“Well, he went at it last night. And the whole thing was our fault from the beginning, really. We started asking him how he felt about you, and he kept saying you were just friends. So we kept bugging and bugging him, until he started to think about it. And Howie’s all, ‘Do you dig her, man?’ And he’s all, ‘Dig her?’ And Howie’s all, ‘Yeah, like do you like her? Think she’s hot?’ So I said. ‘Wanna get in her pants?’” At that point, AJ stopped and looked at me.

“What did he say?” I asked already knowing he wouldn’t tell me the whole truth.

“Um, that someone had already beat him to it, something like that. But then he started to ramble. Rebecca this. Rebecca that. Rebecca here. Rebecca there. Just non-stop. Poor guy is dying for you. Well, he’s probably dying on the toilet right about now. We practically spent the rest of the night throwing up. We got him home okay, though.” AJ shrugged.

“Roger’s a good guy,” I said absently, still watching the elevator for Nick. “I think he’s just worried we’re not going to be friends anymore. He didn’t even know what he was really saying.”

“Oh yes he did, girl,” AJ said. “He knew damn well. You think we guys don’t know who we make asses out of ourselves over? Hell yeah, he knew. Don’t make excuses for the boy. Speaking of boys, you and Nicky were out all night, weren’t you?”

I nodded. “Yeah. We ended up at the beach. It was nice.”

“Yeah, because Mike was trying to call him to make sure he was okay after we all left the club, and there was no answer. Nicky broke BSB rule number one.”

I turned to him. “Rule number one?”

“Never be completely out of touch during a tour when no one has any earthly idea where your ass is. It’s all here in the Backstreet manual. I’m sure Mike scoured the area for him, and hopefully, he didn’t tell Bob.”

Shit.

Third time was a charm. Here it was my fault again. He was in trouble.

“Why? What would Bob do?”

“Besides bitch harder than even Kevin?” AJ shrugged. “It’s all possible.”

I chewed on my lip while I continued to stare at the elevator.

“Becky, let’s go,” Nick’s voice said from behind me.

“Hey, so was Kevin letting you have it?” AJ asked.

Nick ignored that and tugged on my arm. “C’mon. Before it gets any later.”

We were going to spend some time with my mom, and I was finally going to take him out to my place. It was the surprise I had been hoping to share with him even just for a little while.

“Was Mike letting you have it?” AJ tried again.

“No one was letting me have it, Bone,” Nick said in a completely impatient tone. “Why would anyone let me have anything.”

“’Cause we almost filed a missing person’s report on you last night,” AJ said. “You know we all check in with each other. It’s stupid to take off just like nothing--.”

“Don’t tell me what stupid is,” Nick said. “I already know. Stupid is letting your dad drive your bus for a whole damn year and expecting to stay sane. Stupid is letting everyone get in the habit of sticking their noses in your life. That, AJ, is stupid.”

“Frack, man, listen--,” AJ tried in a serious tone now.

“I don’t have time to listen. We’re leaving.” And he said that with such finality, that I grabbed my purse.

“Bye AJ.”

Just then the elevator dinged, and Nick’s father came out, with his bags.

“Shit,” AJ muttered.

I felt Nick release my hand as the three of us watched him cross the lobby without looking toward us once.

“Is he leaving?” AJ asked. “Nicky, who’s gonna drive your bus now?”

Nick shook his head and grabbed my hand again. “Let’s go.”

We hurried toward the hotel side exit to my car. On the way back from the beach, we had gone to Sandra’s house to pick it up.

“Are you all right?” I asked trying to keep up with him without tripping.

“Yeah,” he mumbled.

“Are you sure? Nick? Nick, should you just be letting him go like that? I mean, he’s your dad, and--.”

“Becky, I know who he is, okay? Don’t. Don’t try to convince me of anything right now because I can’t listen. I’m too pissed. Let’s just go.”

I wanted to go on. I wanted to convince him that he had to fight for his family because I had none. But he seemed to bent on getting the hell out of there that I just followed. I let him have my keys and speed all the way to Sandra’s house.

My mom’s condition never changed. Since moving to Sandra’s she was always in that same faraway state. The nurse just moved her from the chair by the window, to the chair in the family room, to the chair on the patio to her bed at night.

“Hi mom,” I greeted with a kiss on her warm cheek. “Wow, you’re looking beautiful today.”

She stared right past me, right past Nick who had pasted a smile on his face to greet Sandra. Now, he just sank into the chair across from the bed and looked at the floor.

They made a good pair the two of them.

“It’s been a hard day, huh?” I told her pulling her sweater over her shoulder. “And it’s only like three in the afternoon, but it feels later, doesn’t it?” I was surrounded by silence, so I decided to just quit with the questions. “I’m happy to see you again. I’m sorry that I don’t get here enough. I wish I could see you everyday like I did when we lived together. But I’m doing well. I’m on vacation now, and that’s why I got to spend time with Nick. Remember Nick? He gave me this ring.” I put her fingers over it so she could feel it. I would feel too stupid putting it in front of her face. “It’s beautiful. It’s the color of his eyes.”

He looked up at us then, and the color wasn’t that bright blue. It was a stormy gray that I had seen on his birthday. He seemed to stare for a long time from my mother to me, then back. Then he just shook his head and ran his fingers through his short hair.

“Nick’s that guy I used to gush about when he was on TV, remember? I used to play you his songs. He sings this really good song now, even if it’s not from his group. It’s this song about people who want to be together, but they can’t just then. They’re waiting though. And in the end, they get to be together,” I explained. “Kind of like you and me. We’re going to get to be together again, in a little while.”

I heard him sigh hard, so I looked away. I hadn’t really thought about how much I missed my mom in a long time. The tears were quick to come because I couldn’t believe how easily he dismissed his family when all I ever wanted was to have mine.

“In a little while, surely you'll be mine. In a little while I'll be there. In a little while this hurt will hurt no more, I'll be home, love. When the night takes a deep breath, and the daylight has no end. If I crawl, if I come crawling home Will you be there?” His voice came softly and full of sadness. “That’s how it goes,” he said. “It’s a good song.”

I made myself smile and lean in to kiss her on the cheek once more. I pulled myself away from her and went to him. I squatted down in front of him and took his large hand into mine.

“Don’t do this, Nick. Don’t let your dad go like that. For years, I’ve fought to hold on to the little bit of my mom that there’s left. And it sucks. I wish I didn’t have to wait to be close to her again. Whatever happened with you guys can be fixed. I’m sure of that.”

He shook his head at me, and the bright blue was back in his eyes. “Becky, it’s not the same thing. I can see why you miss your mom. But my family has always been so complicated.”

“Nick, this isn’t simple,” I said and swallowed back my tears. “But your dad walks, talks and bitches at you. And he does all of that because he loves you. I‘d give anything to hear my mom complain about me coming home late. Or for her to get mad because she doesn‘t know where I am. It‘s what parents are supposed to do. But my mom can‘t do that. She just can‘t.”

I felt his other hand soothingly in my hair. “I’m sorry,” he said leaning in to kiss the top of my head. “I’m sorry that you have to go through this. I get what you’re saying. I understand. See how you’re my peace?”

I shook my head and looked up at him. For the first time, I was consciously past the blue eyes, fair skin and soft lips. For the first time, I saw his inner beauty, and it was a scary thing to be that close.

“What?” he asked searching my face. “What’s wrong?”’

“No. Nothing, Nick. I just wish you would do the right thing. I just wish that you’d--.”

“I’m not a kid, Becky. And he keeps treating me like I am. I was talking to Kev before Dad stormed in to let me have it. Kev has this theory that actually makes sense. He says my dad’s trying to make it up to me for missing my childhood. He wasn’t around when I was scared out of my mind with strangers in Europe. He wasn’t there when I was sick on stage and had to get off to hurl after every song. He wasn’t there the first time I got my heart broken and didn’t know what to do. But it’s too late for that now. I’m not that little kid anymore. I don’t need anyone shouting at me about my safety. I know. I know what I need to do.”

“Nick, it’s not too late. It’s not. He just loves you and doesn’t want you to get hurt.”

“I’ve already been hurt. A lot of times. And I had the guys to help me put back the pieces, then I had myself. Then I had you.” He shook his head. “It’s not that I don’t them, but they’ve made themselves not as vital.”

I finally let myself nod because I didn’t want to argue with him.

He pushed my hair back for me and leaned into my face. “But I get what you’re saying. I understand. I have what you want. And that makes me appreciate it more.”

I smiled and leaned my forehead on his. “I’m glad. I’m glad you have it.”

“Slow down my beating heart, A man dreams one day to fly. A man takes a rocket ship into the skies. He lives on a star that's dying in the night and follows in the trail the scatter of light,” he sang softly.

I closed my eyes. Yeah, that scatter of light would come, but hopefully not too soon.

--

“You have to get back,” I was telling Nick hours later back at my place.

“Huh?” he asked, eyes still closed, his beautiful face at peace.

“To the show. You have to get back to the Staples Center, Nick. You guys have another show tonight.”

“I know,” he mumbled leaning closer into me. “But I’m trying to pretend the clock’s not ticking. I’m trying to pretend I can stay here for ever in your bed.”

In my bed.

After having owned very few things in my life, having Nick Carter in my bed was better than all the gold in the world.

I let him keep pretending, for a little while anyway. But he knew what he had to do.

“I have to go,” he said with a sigh. “We have to go.”

“Nick, I was thinking I’d go see Roger tonight instead of going to the show,”

His cobalt eyes flashed at me. “What?” He sat up a little. “Why?”

“Because,” I said. “I can’t just ignore everything that happened last night. All these years, he’s been the only person I’ve shared my life with. I know we probably can’t be friends, not the same way. But I have to do something. I can’t just leave things like that. Just like you have to do something.”

“I don’t have to do anything about Roger,” he said crossing his arms.

I laughed. “Not Roger, silly. Your dad. You can’t just leave things like that. You can’t just ignore that--.”

“Oh Becky,” he dismissed my words.

I tugged on his arm and sat up as well. “Listen. Listen to me. You have to fix things. You know that. Maybe him driving your bus isn’t the best idea in the world. But you can’t just leave things as they are. You know that.”

I heard him suck in air.

“You saw how things are with my mom. And your dad is way younger than her, but things can change. Sometimes, I think I know why Sandra’s always so angry with me. It’s because those last few years, my mom and I lived them together. We talked. We laughed. We were happy. But Sandra was too busy finishing school, getting married and having kids. So Mom came to live with her when there was very little left.”

He gave me this serious look.

“Don’t let that happen to you. Don’t let things change before you change them,” I said.

“Becky,” he said shaking his head. “See? See how much I need you?”

I smiled. “So you’ll do it? You’ll talk to him?”

He half laughed and pulled me back into his arms. “Um, yeah. I’ll do it. But promise me one thing.”

“Anything. What?”

“Finish things up with Roger as quickly as you can and get to the show.”

“I promise,” I said. “I’ll be there sooner than you know.”

--

“He said he as an ass,” I told Nick late that night on the bus.

“Well, that’s the first thing he’s ever said that I’d agree to.”

“He’s not so bad. He just wasn’t honest with me or with himself. He never should have waited to so long to tell me.”

We had been sitting on the floor of the cozy bus watching a movie. Nick’s dad was back at the wheel, and we were on our was to Las Vegas.

“So what if he would have told you sooner or later? Would it have made a difference?” Nick asked.

“No. Of course not. I mean, you know that. I meant he shouldn’t have let it affect our friendship like that. He should have been honest, so that I could have been honest with him. He knows it’s you. He’s always known. But he said that he was afraid and that fear didn’t let him think or act. It just paralyzed him.”

Nick chuckled. “Fear is paralyzing. I understand that. It wasn’t like I wasn’t afraid you wouldn’t give me a chance. I know you weren’t sure things could work out between us. So you were afraid too.”

“I was, but I’d rather try and fail than not know what could be.”

“Me too,” he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. “See how smart we are.”

I laughed not being used to being the smart one.

A shrill ring was heard over Gladiator.

“Hello?... Yeah, hey Bone,” Nick greeted answering his phone. Then he laughed. “Why?... Why?... Why?... Why do you want me to look out the window?”

I sat up and climbed back on the seat so I could look out the window. AJ was always up on interesting things.

“Why?” Nick continued. “You already got Becky up on the seat and looking out the window. What’s out there, Beck?”

Just then, we made it over a hill, and I saw lights. Millions of them, in the middle of the desert.

“Becky?”

“Um, lots of lights,” I said.

Nick laughed again. “AJ’s favorite place in the world. We’re here.”

“Vegas?” I asked.

“Yup,” he confirmed joining me on the seat. “Jay wants to know if we’ll go gamble with him as soon as we get there.”

“Yeah. Of course,” I said.

“She said yes,” Nick told him. “But we’re playing with your money, dude.”

I heard AJ’s laughter sail out to me.

“Yeah... Yeah... But we’re not taking my dad, man. We’re not even telling him,” Nick said.

It was nearly three in the morning when we actually got to the hotel. Nick and I took just a few minutes to change and join AJ downstairs.

“Check it out,” he was saying looking around the busy, noisy casino. “This place never sleeps.”

“Hey, but we’re gonna have to,” Nick said.

“Show isn’t until the day after tomorrow, Mr. Carter,” AJ said with a smile. “I say we hit the craps table.”

“There’s a reason why they call it crap,” Nick said pulling my hand as we followed him.

AJ did never rest, like ever. After losing money at craps, he hit the blackjack table for a while. Nick and I spent some time at the slot machines laughing because we mostly lost.

“Get Jay, yeah? I’m going to go to the bathroom, then we’ll call it a night. I mean, a morning,” Nick said and glanced at his watch.

“Sure,” I said. “Meet you in the lobby?”

He gave me a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll be there.”

AJ was had already been joined by some girl at one of the slot machines. She was laughing at something he was saying just as I walked up.

“Nick and I are calling it a night,” I told him. “You’re going to stay here?”

He pressed a smiled at the girl then looked up at me. “No, Becky. Let’s go. It was nice meeting you,” he told her. “You’re going to the show, right?”

“Right,” she said. “Think I can get backstage?”

“I’ll give the guys your name,” he said. “But I’m not making any promises.”

“Okay. But I’ll promise you a good time afterward,” she said.

He smiled and stepped closer to me. “Thanks. Thanks for that. See you later.”

“Bye,” she waved.

“Girls,” AJ said shaking his head as we walked away.

“Yeah, right,” I told him. “Like you didn’t like the attention.”

“I do,” he said. “But I’m not insane enough to take her up on her ‘good time’ offer. Hell no. I like to go out. Dance. Drink, maybe do some harmless scamming, but then I go back. I know better now a days. Besides, your boyfriend doesn’t let me.”

I laughed. “He doesn’t let you?”

“Yeah,” AJ said flatly. “For all his bitching about people treating him like a kid, he does a lot of over-protecting of his own. He keeps me under control when we go out. And that’s why I’m glad he doesn’t go out with me much anymore.” He let out this little laugh.

I shook my head.

“Thanks for that,” AJ said.

“Hey, well, you need to be careful then,” I was telling him just as we reached the lobby.

“Careful is my middle name.”

It was my turn to laugh. “Sure, AJ.”

“There’s AJ!”

We both looked up to find Nick surrounded by girls. Mike was at his side, so things were under control. But they were squeezing all around him, flashing pictures.

“Hi AJ!” one of the girls greeted.

“Hey there, ladies.”

I hung back while the girls smiled, posed and squeezed in next to them. Nick and AJ smiled nice and big, I guessed, like any regular guys would.

“Okay, the guys gotta go,” Mike said.

“Aw, already!?”

“C’mon, let’s go to breakfast,” one of the girls said.

AJ chuckled. “Thanks, honey, but we can’t. We have to be ready for the show.”

“Thanks Nick!”

“I love you, AJ.”

I waited as Nick’s eyes scanned the area until he saw me, and he smiled.

“Read this later,” a girl said slipping something into his hand. She followed his gaze to me, and actually managed to send me a smile as well.

“Sure,” Nick said and stuffed the note in his back pocket. He put his hand out to me, and I took it. “Ready?”

“Yeah. You all finished here?” I asked looking around.

He gave me this huge smile. “Yeah. I’m finished.”

We walked to the elevator, still holding hands. “You’re okay, right?”

“You’re going upstairs with me, right?”

He laughed. “Yes.”

“Then I’m fine.”

Just as we stepped inside, he took the note out of his back pocket, wadded it up into a little ball and tossed it into the first trash can we found.