They had returned to the city and were sitting in Nick's living room playing video games. She set the controller down. She nodded. It was a huge shadow looming over their relationship. She had to reduce the shadow with words.
"Matt and I are from the same town, White Oak, Ohio. It's near Cincinnati. He's five years older than me and we actually first met when he dated my older sister, Julie. They didn't hit it off, though."
Let's hear it for Julie, thought Nick.
"A few years later," continued Grace, "I came home from university. I'd had a bad experience and I dropped out early in my junior year. I was at home and my Mom knew Matt's mom and he just started dropping by. He was working, all finished with school..."
Nick nodded. He didn't like all this talk of college and university. It reminded him that all he had was a high school diploma that wasn't worth the paper it was written on. Grace hauled herself to her feet and made her way to the fireplace, where she made a study of the Oriental figurines there. Nick waited patiently.
"It didn't even seem like dating at first...just watching TV or going for walks. And then simple things like bowling or a movie. At some point, it just kinda changed from friendship into..." She paused and a puzzled expression came across her face.
"...love?" asked Nick.
"Yes, I guess so," she muttered absently. But her mind was far away. She picked up one of the figurines and studied it. "He was good to me."
"When did you get engaged?" Nick prodded gently.
"Well, we had this big fight..." she began.
Nick laughed. "Is that how engagements usually begin?"
Grace laughed too. "No, I don't think so. We had been dating for awhile...nearly two years...I had done some college courses online and was getting my diploma in website design. I wanted to move out here. There are a number of good companies in the area. Matt didn't want me to go. Neither did my parents. They were on his side. They didn't think I could survive on my own. So Matt asked me to marry him so he could keep me in Ohio."
"But you're not in Ohio, and neither is he."
"No, because I said I wouldn't marry him. He wanted to keep me safe, but I wanted to fly a little, try life on my own, not just move from my parents' home to his. I needed a little 'me' time."
"I bet he didn't take that well," Nick guessed. He had seen Matt being rejected and it wasn't a pretty sight.
"No, he didn't. And my mother..." Grace rolled her eyes at the memory of her mother, standing at the kitchen sink, sobbing and saying, 'Why? Why?' over and over.
"So, we compromised..."
Compromised. Odd word to use for an engagement, thought Nick.
"I was allowed to move out here for a year to see if I could make it on my own. Then at the end of the year...well, they never really got that far in their planning. I'm sure they thought I'd be scurrying back home long before that."
"'They' being Matt and your parents?"
Grace nodded. "Mostly my Mom."
"And did you make it? On your own?"
"I never really got the chance to find out. When Matt saw that I wasn't going to cave in to him this time, he arranged a transfer with his company and he came too. He didn't tell me about it until the last moment. And I just let him come. I was used to him making the decisions."
"I don't get it, Grace. You seem so independent and so in control. I mean, you run your own business...why did they think you were so helpless?"
Grace closed her eyes and looked at the floor. Then she took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders. She looked at his face. The depth of pain he saw in her eyes almost made him gasp out loud. He set down the game controller and rose to his feet.
"Because for awhile, I was helpless. I had a...when I came home from...after the..." She searched for the right words. What were the right words to tell someone you were crazy? "I had a breakdown. I withdrew from the world...stayed in my room...just surfed the Net and listened to music...lots of yours, by the way..." She grinned feebly.
Nick was trying to process the information. He was trying to match this picture of Grace as a helpless, broken individual with the person running her own company and living out her dream by the ocean.
"What happened?" he asked. He wasn't sure he had the right to know. He wasn't sure he wanted to know, but he had to ask.
Grace hesitated. These were hard words to say out loud. She was afraid of his reaction, afraid he would be repulsed, or worse, pitying. She knew the relationship could go no further unless she spoke now. But she could not meet his eyes. She looked at the floor.
"I was raped."
"Noooooooo..." An anguished cry came from Nick as his heart broke for her. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to take her in his arms and hold her, but he wasn't sure she would want to be touched. On the other hand, he didn't want her to think he was rejecting her. Man, he wished the other guys were here to tell him what to do? What would Train say? Hold her. He heard Kevin's voice as clearly as if he were standing next to him. He mentally asked the others and their voices came back. Hold her. Hold her. Brian. Howie. Now, you big dummy. AJ.
Nick walked over to her. He lifted her chin with one finger. She looked up at him, searching for his reaction, fearing rejection, praying for understanding, dreading pity.
She saw confusion. He didn't know what to do. Well, that makes two of us, she thought and was warmed by the fact that he didn't have a ready answer to something she had been struggling with for years. She reached up and touched the hand that was touching her face.
"Oh, Grace. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to make this better." Nick slipped his arms around her and held her gently. Grace leaned her head against his chest. His arms tightened and he kissed the top of her head. Then he mentally slapped himself. Comfort her, you ass, don't come on to her.
Grace let him hold her for awhile, wishing it could be forever. Then she moved back.
"It's not up to you to make it better. Oh, God! That doesn't sound right. I mean...you can't make it better. No, that sounds worse." She tried to gather her thoughts and make a coherent sentence. "It's over. It was a long time ago. It doesn't have anything to do with us..." She looked at him, searching his face. "At least, I hope it doesn't."
Nick pulled her to him. "Someone hurt you," he whispered, "and that hurts me."
Relief washed through her.
******************************Nick picked her up in his arms and carried her back to the couch. He sat down and placed her so that she lay sideways in his arms.
"Tell me if you want to," he said. "If you can."
Grace blessed him silently for having placed her in his arms in such a way that she could meet his eyes or not, as she needed, without feeling evasive. Haltingly, she told him the story.
The story of how she was in her third year of university. How she was dating a fraternity boy, a Big Man on Campus who had suddenly seemed interested in her. The Head of Rushing at the Kappa Alpha Fraternity House. How he had invited her to the Fraternity Initiation Party where all the veterans made fun of the pledges and had them do stupid things. How he had told her that the punch was non-alcoholic. How that had turned out to be a lie - the punch was, in fact, the infamous Purple Jesus, grape juice laced with club soda for sparkle and straight alcool - 100% alcohol - for the 'punch'.
Grace had a couple of glasses, out of boredom really. Nothing much seemed to be happening. She and the other girls stood around the big frat house living room waiting for the music to start, maybe some dancing. The frat boys ran around, giggling, conspiring against the pledges. The girls were disgusted, but secretly pleased that they had been chosen to be a part of it. Grace talked them into starting the music themselves. They gathered around the stereo, but when Grace tried to pick out a CD, she realized she had trouble seeing the cover. Everything was suddenly all whirly. She shook her head to clear it, but that just made her dizzy.
"Hey, Babe," came a voice behind her. It was Mike, her date. "Are you okay?" She turned toward the sound of his voice and stumbled. He grabbed her before she fell. "Whoa, there!"
"I'm feeling dizzy and fuzzy," she said, and started to laugh. "Are you sure there was nothing in that punch?"
"Oh, God, don't tell me you had the punch!" he responded. "I told you - don't go near the purple punch. It's for the pledges."
Grace knew that this was not the truth, but she couldn't seem to put together the words to argue with him.
“Come with me,” he said. “You need to sleep this off.” Mike led her from the room, explaining loudly to the other frat boys that ‘Grace was a little bombed and needed a nap’. He helped her up the stairs to his room. They stopped at the bathroom long enough for her to throw up and then he laid her down on his bed. “You’ll be fine, baby,” he assured her. “Just go to sleep.”
And so she had. But she had been awakened by voices in the room. Arguing.
"Grace," said a voice in her ear. "Are you a virgin?"
She wasn't really sure where she was or who was talking to her. Her head was whirling and it took all her concentration not to throw up again. "Yes," she whispered feebly, not knowing who she was talking to or why they were asking this question.
One of the pledges had not been able to fulfill one of his challenges. To have sex with a virgin. He had been trying all term, he said, and he had made it with several girls, but they all turned out not to be virgins. It wasn't his fault, he argued. He had done his best. They just weren't making virgins like they used to. He was there with his sponsor, Jim, to put it before the Head of Rushing.
"Grace, can you help Dan out?" said a voice that she thought was Mike's but she wasn't sure.
"Mmmhh?" she asked. What was the question?
"She said 'yes'," said Mike. "Got a condom with you?"
Dan nodded and patted his pants pocket. Dan and Jim looked at him. Was he sure? This was his girl. What was he doing?
"You're right. There just aren't that many virgins out there any more." He jerked his thumb at Grace. "I cultivated her for just this purpose," he said. "Take her."
And he reached over and pulled up her skirt.
******************************Grace couldn't remember much of the first rape. She vaguely recalled someone tugging at her clothes and pulling her legs apart. She remembered pain and a sense of being smothered, but that was all.
The second rape was a little more vivid. She had been coming back to herself, the effects of the alcohol wearing off. Probably throwing up had helped with this. The second rapist was Jim, the advisor to the pledge. Watching Dan pound away at Grace had aroused him. His hand had wandered down to his crotch. This amused Mike, who pulled open the drawer of his nightstand and fished out a condom. He tossed it to Jim and said, "Go for it." Jim had not really wanted to be a rapist, but he did want to have sex, so he had pulled her shirt up and pulled down her bra. He had manhandled her breasts for a few moments and then he pushed himself into her and satisfied himself. Grace still had not been able to move physically, to protest or push him away, but she knew what was happening to her. She had whispered, "Don't, please don't." over and over but it had no effect.
The third rape was the one that broke her spirit. It was Mike. After the others left, he carefully removed all of her clothing and while he was doing so, he explained to her in gentle, soothing words that this was all her fault, that she was a drunken whore, that he was the Dean's nephew, that many people had seen her drunk, but that no one had seen either Jim or the pledge with her. Your word against ours, baby. Now wake up and make my day. He slapped her hard and she came up fighting. But that was what he was waiting for. He was already inside her and the harder she fought, the harder he laughed and the more he enjoyed it. He came inside her, leaning his head back and yelling in satisfaction. When he was done, he threw her clothes at her and told her to get out. But I'll keep these, he said, holding up her bra and panties. Just in case you decide to do a Debbie Whittaker.
The tears fell from Nick's eyes. Silent, pain-filled drops. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't imagine the pain, the humiliation. He was afraid to touch her. Afraid she might think he was one of them. But his arms closed around her. He had to keep her safe. That was all he knew. All the plan he could come up with right now. He had to keep her safe.
Grace leaned back in his arms. She felt his anguish and his strength and his comfort. But there was so much more. How could she ever make him understand?
