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Jori (V)


Jori felt numb. Absolutely numb. Like a patient high on morphine, she had drifted through the last few days in a sort of trance, unfeeling and hardly aware of what was happening around her.

She knew that her baby was dead. They had taken Lucy away in an ambulance to the hospital, then the morgue, and finally, the funeral home.

Jori had not seen her.

She knew that AJ had been on the phone constantly, making arrangements, telling family, accepting condolences from their friends.

Jori had not listened to the conversations.

She knew that people had been stopping by with meals, knowing she wouldn’t be up to cooking.

Jori had not tasted their food.

She knew that family and friends had come from out of town to attend the services. They had stood in line at the visitation to hug her and offer their sympathy.

Jori had hardly felt their embraces.

She knew that the minister had said lovely things about Lucy at the funeral, sharing anecdotes from her three months of life that AJ had written down for him. But Reverend McKenzie had not known Lucy personally; she had not even been christened. The funeral service he gave was standard.

Jori had hardly heard his words.

After the service, she had slipped away, wandering down the street to the liquor store, where she bought a bottle of vodka that she carried in a brown paper bag back to the apartment building. Upstairs, friends and family had gathered to offer support and sympathy. They’d brought food, and her mother had tried to get her to eat, but Jori wasn’t hungry. All she wanted was a drink. She sat downstairs, sipping straight from the bottle in the back room of AJ’s store. It was closed for the day so that he and his employees could attend the funeral, and Jori figured she could hide out there for awhile before anyone found her. She wished she could disappear completely.

As a teenager, she had taken pills to numb her pain. Her parents didn’t drink and had never kept liquor in the house, so it wasn’t until college that she’d experienced the anesthetizing effects of alcohol. This discovery had sent her down the dark path that had led her to AJ, and together, they’d journeyed through the depths of depression and addiction and found the light again.

Lucy was that light. Lucy in the sky with diamonds, shining her light into their lives as if she were their sun. They’d both stopped drinking after finding out Jori was pregnant. They hadn’t brought any alcohol into the apartment since Lucy’s birth. But with her death, the sun had burnt out, plunging them back into darkness, and Jori could no longer abstain from drinking. She sat in the dark, slowly drinking herself to death.

With every drop, she felt closer to her daughter – or closer to forgetting her daughter had ever existed. She wasn’t sure which she wanted more. Only her love for AJ had kept her from taking her own life the day that Lucy had died. He was the only one in the world she still cared about, and she knew it would destroy him if she died, too. He loved her more than she had ever loved herself.

He didn’t blame her for Lucy’s death. He kept reassuring her that she’d done nothing wrong. The investigators who had interviewed them both apologized for their many questions, promising them it was just a part of their protocol. The doctor said it was likely SIDS, pointing out that incidences were highest in sleeping babies between two and four months old.

Still, Jori blamed herself.

She took another swig from the bottle. The liquor barely burned as it went down, for even her throat had gone numb. A dizzy sort of daze had dulled her senses and settled her thoughts. Light-headed, she lowered her chin to AJ’s desk and closed her eyes, her grip loosening around the bottle of vodka. She started to drift off, welcoming the impending unconsciousness.

“Jori?!”

AJ’s voice brought her back to her senses. She jerked awake, just as he appeared in the doorway.

“Jori! What the hell are you doing down here all by yourself?”

Apparently, he had been looking for her. She shrugged, not bothering to hide the liquor bottle. If he hadn’t already seen it, he would surely smell it on her breath when he came closer.

“Drinking?” he asked, looking down at her in disgust. “Alone?” He took the bottle from her and turned it around to see the label. “Straight vodka? Fuck, Jori, are you trying to kill yourself??”

“Maybe,” she mumbled, laying her head back down on the desk.

“God damnit.” He stomped off, his footsteps fading as he disappeared with her liquor. She heard a gurgling noise as he poured it into the bathroom sink, followed by the sound of running water as he washed it down the drain. When he came back, he grabbed her chin roughly between his fingers and wrenched her head up off the desk.

“Ow!” Jori whined, trying to twist out of his grasp.

He held on, forcing her to look at him. “Don’t you do this to me, Jori. Don’t you dare do this to me. I need you here; do you understand me? I’ve already lost Lucy. I can’t lose you too. Don’t make me. I know this is hard, but you have to be strong. You have to be strong and stay here with me.”

His fingers were digging into her flesh, but it was a different kind of pain that made her eyes well with tears. “I can’t,” she whimpered, the tears spilling over. “I can’t live like this.”

“Yes you can,” he said fiercely. “You and I had a life before Lucy, and we’ll have a life afterwards. It won’t be easy, but we’ll keep living, and eventually, it’ll get better. You’ll see. We can still get married… have more kids…”

“No!” said Jori, yanking her chin out of his hand. His face blurred before her as she glared at him through watery eyes. “I don’t wanna have another baby! You think I wanna go through this again?!”

“Okay… okay!” AJ backed off, holding up his hands in defense. “I didn’t mean anytime soon. I just meant… sometime. When we’re both ready.”

Jori sniffed, shaking her head. “I’ll never be ready.”

“Okay. That’s okay. And if you still feel that way in a few years, it’ll be okay then too. Whatever you do, just please don’t give up on us. I need you, baby. Promise you won’t give up.” He looked at her with pleading eyes, waiting for a response.

“I won’t,” whispered Jori, though she wasn’t sure it was a promise she could keep.

“Thank you.” He sat down on the edge of the desk and heaved a sigh, his shoulders slumping. “I know things will never be the same, but I want you to know, I still love you, Jor. I’ll never stop loving you.”

She knew he meant to comfort her, but it hurt Jori to hear the words, knowing how his feelings could change in a heartbeat. Lucy had cemented their love for each other. Without her, what was left to keep them together? Still, she echoed, “I love you, too,” because she knew it was what he needed to hear.

He kissed her tenderly and took her hand, dragging her to her feet. “C’mon, let’s get you up to bed so you can sleep it off. Things will be better when you wake up.”

But Jori awoke hours later with a hangover and a horrible, hollow feeling inside. The only thing heavier than her head was her heart, which felt like it was breaking with every beat. The numbness had worn off with the alcohol, leaving behind only pain. Inescapable, unbearable pain.

She longed to feel numb again.

***