AJ (II)
In the emergency room of Cincinnati’s Bethesda North Hospital, heads turned as a man, dressed all in black, barreled through the doors, carrying the limp body of a woman wrapped in a blood-soaked blanket.
The triage nurse looked up at the commotion and let out an “Oh!” of alarm as she jumped up and hurried around her desk to grab a gurney. “Here, lay her on this,” she said quickly, patting the clean, white sheet covering the gurney.
“She’s in labor,” AJ panted, lowering Jori onto the gurney. It scared him, the way her head and limbs flopped down limply without the support of his arms, as if she were a mere rag doll. “We were doing a home water birth, but something went wrong,” he explained, without looking at the nurse. He could not take his eyes off Jori. Her complexion had always been fair, but he’d never seen her face so white, almost gray. Her eyes were closed, her features slackened and blank. He almost would have preferred her screaming in pain, just to know she was still alive. Anything was better than this pale, still Jori. “Please, you have to help her,” he begged the nurse needlessly.
“She’s in good hands,” the nurse assured him.
Before the gurney was whisked away, he reached into the bundle of blanket and found Jori’s hand. It felt like a dead fish, cold and gray, floppy and wet, her fingers still pruny from the pool. He squeezed it tightly, as if the warmth and strength from his own hand could seep into hers, and he held on, jogging alongside the gurney, as a group of people in lab coats and scrubs steered it through the halls and into another room.
“Do we have a history on this woman?” a new voice, a male voice, asked brusquely.
AJ glanced up at the doctor who had spoken, but before he could say anything, another voice from behind answered, “Jori Wilder, thirty-nine weeks, uncontrolled bleeding during a water birth at home.” He turned and saw with relief that the midwife, Barb, had joined them. He was glad to let her do the talking, while he tuned out the exchange of medical gibberish that followed.
“’Scuse me, hon; we need to move her,” said a different nurse, and AJ found himself being shunted away, his grip torn from Jori’s hand. He stood back and watched with a surreal sense of shock, as the medical personnel swarmed in around Jori. With expert coordination, they picked up the edges of the blanket and used it like a sling to swiftly slide her over to a new gurney in the center of the room. One nurse moved the old gurney out of the room, and the rest surrounded the new one.
AJ watched anxiously over their shoulders as their gloved hands swept over Jori’s body, hooking her up to all kinds of different equipment. One attached leads to her chest, while another threaded an IV into her arm. An oxygen mask was placed over her face, while another device was clipped to her finger, and a second monitor was strapped to her bulging belly. The nurse who had pushed the gurney out returned with a cart carrying what AJ recognized as an ultrasound machine, and in no time, the familiar whoosh whoosh of the sonogram joined the cacophony of other sounds: the frantic beeping of the heart monitor, the faint hiss of the oxygen tank, and frightening phrases that jumped out to AJ’s ears.
“… BP’s dangerously low…”
“… a placental abruption…”
“… going to crash…”
“… emergency C-section…”
AJ’s head jerked towards the doctor who was running the ultrasound. “C-section?” he repeated in alarm. “No, no, Jori wouldn’t want that. She wanted a natural birth.”
The doctor looked up, his eyes meeting AJ’s. “I’m sorry, but there’s no chance of a vaginal delivery. The placenta has detached from the uterus, and your baby is in distress. It will die if we don’t get it out immediately, and your wife could bleed to death. We need your consent for emergency surgery.”
Among his racing thoughts were, She’s not my wife. I can’t make this decision for her. Nonetheless, a nurse pushed a clipboard into AJ’s hands and started rattling off all the risks of surgery. AJ barely heard her, though he took in a few words. Bleeding. Infection. Death. But when she handed him a pen and pointed to a line at the bottom of the form, he scribbled some version of his signature. What choice did he have? Jori wouldn’t have wanted this, but she would be grateful if it saved her life and their daughter’s. She would understand. He’d done what he’d had to.
“Do we have consent? Good,” said the doctor in the same brusque manner, hardly waiting for the nurse to show him the signed consent form. “We need to get her to the main OR; she’s not stable enough to transfer to OB. Call up to OB and tell them we need an attending down here to perform an emergency C-section, pronto.”
As the doctor barked out orders, AJ moved in closer to Jori, and when no one told him to back off, he reached for her hand again. With his free hand, he rubbed her shoulder… touched her face… brushed back her hair. He wished she would wake up, but maybe it was better that she didn’t know what was going on. By the time she regained consciousness, it would all be over. She wouldn’t have to endure the panic and fear he was feeling, and once she had Lucy in her arms, it wouldn’t matter how she’d arrived.
“Hang in there, Jor,” he whispered, stroking the back of her hand. “We’re gonna get you and Lucy through this.”
“Sir?” He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see the nurse who had gone over the consent form standing beside him. “I’m sorry, but they need to move Jori to the operating room now. One of our OBs is on her way down to perform the Cesarean. I’ll show you where you can wait.”
AJ stared. “Wait? You mean, I can’t go with her?”
“Not to the OR. I’m sorry.” The nurse apologized while gripping his upper arm, already trying to steer him out of the room. “I’ll update you and let you know as soon as your baby is born. If you’ll just follow me…”
“Wait… just give me a sec,” AJ insisted, twisting out of her hold at the foot of the bed. He reached out and caught one of Jori’s swollen ankles. “Love you, baby,” he whispered, tenderly massaging her foot. He traced over the black outline of a dove he had tattooed on her ankle the day they’d met. He remembered how she’d gritted her teeth through the ache of the needle pricks and insisted that he keep talking, to distract her.
“Stay strong,” he said now, squeezing her foot. He was surprised when it didn’t jerk out of his grasp; she was usually so ticklish. A lump rose in his throat. “I’ll be with you when you wake up,” he forced himself to continue. “Me and Lucy.” It wasn’t a promise he was sure he could keep, but if she could still hear him, he hoped it would encourage her. Jori didn’t do well with needles and hospitals. It was the whole reason she had insisted on a home birth. This was exactly what she hadn’t wanted.
Full of doubts and regret, he finally allowed the nurse to pry him away from Jori and lead him to a separate waiting area. “My name’s Valerie,” she told him. “I’m going to check on Jori, and I’ll be back to talk to you when I know more.” She left him with a clipboard full of forms to fill out, for the hospital’s admitting and billing departments. AJ looked down at the paperwork and sighed. He was glad he’d gotten Jori insurance after she’d found out she was pregnant. He couldn’t fathom what all of this would cost. Yet another reason Jori hadn’t wanted to bother with the hospital.
He set to work filling out the forms. He had a hard time holding onto the pen; his fingers felt clumsy and numb. He stopped after every few questions, his mind wandering, worrying. Had they started yet? How long would it take? What if something went wrong? What if he lost Jori, or Lucy, or both of them?
He stopped writing. The pen fell from his hand and bounced once on the carpeted floor before rolling under his seat. He didn’t bother to bend down and retrieve it. The words on the paper blurred before his eyes, as they filled with tears. He sniffed once, struggling to keep it together. Don’t go there, he warned himself. Don’t even think it. He couldn’t imagine losing Jori, or the baby, or God forbid…
They were his family. His life. He’d never been happier than these last few months, being with Jori, running the shop together, preparing for the birth of their child. Living the dream. This couldn’t be the end of it. He wasn’t ready to wake up screaming.
***
Half an hour later, the paperwork complete, AJ paced the waiting room, his cell phone in his hand. He had intended to call Jori’s parents and fill them in on what was happening, but instead, he’d dialed the number of his own mother in Florida. He couldn’t bring himself to get Jori’s mother and father all worked up before he could reassure them that she was okay. His mom, meanwhile, had kept him from getting too worked up himself.
“Jori’s a tough girl. I know she’ll be fine. She’s in good hands – the doctors’ and God’s. You have to put your faith in them, Alex. They’ll get her and Lucy through.”
His mother was the only person allowed to call him by his given name, and she was the only one able to comfort him, too. When he ended the call, he felt reassured, but even so, his pacing feet stopped dead, and so did his racing heart, when the nurse, Valerie, appeared in the doorway.
“How’s Jori?” He pelted the question at her, but she didn’t seem taken aback. She was probably used to this sort of thing. She offered a patient, professional smile.
“They’re still working on her, trying to close her up.”
“Trying?” AJ challenged.
“There was some bleeding. It’s common with a placental abruption,” Valerie explained calmly. “In the meantime… would you like to see your daughter?”
AJ drew in a breath. “Lucy? She’s out? She’s alright?”
Valerie nodded, her smile growing. “She’s beautiful. You’re naming her Lucy? Is that short for anything? Lucille?”
AJ shook his head. “Just Lucy. Lucy Sky Diamond McLean. That’s what Jori’s wanted to name her, ever since we found out she was a girl.”
He didn’t miss the way Valerie’s eyes widened slightly, but she recovered quickly and replied, “I like it. She’ll be unique.”
He nodded. “Just like my Jori.”
“Well… come with me, and I’ll take you to meet Lucy,” said Valerie. She took him upstairs to the second floor, where the maternity ward was located. Following her into the ward, AJ was struck by how different it looked and felt from the Emergency Room. The floors on this level were inlaid with flooring designed to look like hardwood, rather than industrial tile. The walls were papered in soothing, pastel patterns, and the furniture looked soft and comfortable. Even the lighting was subdued, compared to the bright fluorescents a floor below. Everything about the décor suggested the ward had been designed to feel warm and homey, rather than cold and sterile. AJ wished Jori had been able to deliver on this floor, rather than in an operating room downstairs.
He was confused, at first, when Valerie took him past the big windows of the nursery, through which he could see rows of babies in clear, plastic cribs. “Isn’t Lucy in there?” he asked.
“We have her in the NICU, for the time being. She’s doing well now, but the neonatology team had to resuscitate her after delivery, so they want to keep a close eye on her for at least a day, to make sure there are no complications. She seems healthy, though,” added Valerie quickly, when she saw the wave of panic flood AJ’s face. She put her hand on his arm, as they reached the NICU entrance. “Are you ready to go in and see her, Dad?”
Dad. For a moment, AJ blinked in surprise, caught off-guard by hearing that title used in place of his name. Before Jori’s pregnancy, he had never imagined himself as someone’s “Dad.” Now, he realized, he was. In a couple of years, once she was old enough to talk, he would hear that word coming from Lucy’s mouth. It was weird to think about, but it made him swell with pride.
He nodded, and Valerie held the door open and ushered him in. “Over here,” she said in a hushed voice, leading him through a maze of plastic incubators. Though it didn’t seem possible, most of the babies in this room were even tinier than the ones in the nursery. Their skin wasn’t smooth and pink, but red and wrinkly, almost raw-looking. They were more sad than cute. He looked at them with pity as he walked past, and his heart began to thump with apprehension as he wondered if Lucy would be the same way.
“Here she is,” cooed Valerie, stepping out of the way.
Walking past her, AJ’s breath caught in his throat as he approached the open, plastic crib and gazed down at the baby inside. She was beautiful. She looked exactly as she should – pink and perfect, with plump, rosy cheeks and ten tiny fingers and toes.
“You can touch her, if you want,” said Valerie. “You won’t bother the equipment.”
There were sticky pads attached to her bare chest and thin tubes coming out of her tiny nostrils. AJ was careful not to bump them as he reached in and brushed two fingers against her cheek. Her skin was warm and soft. He prodded one of her clenched fists with his index finger and smiled when he felt her tiny fingers close around it. “Hello, little girl,” he whispered, his voice hoarser than usual. “Hi, Lucy. It’s me… your daddy. You gave your mama and me a scare, but I’m glad you’re here now, safe and sound. I know your mom can’t wait to meet you…”
He was so mesmerized by the miracle that was Lucy, he didn’t even notice when Valerie pushed a rocking chair up behind him, nor did he was aware of actually sitting down in it. But he would always remember the moment when Valerie scooped Lucy up from her crib, wrapped her in a white baby blanket, and placed her in his arms for the first time. He was cautious at first, afraid of holding her too tightly, but Valerie helped him get her positioned, and he cradled her close to his chest. He was still sitting there, rocking her, when Jori’s doctor came in.
“Mr. McLean?”
AJ looked up, startled by the woman in a white coat who had called him by name.
“I’m Dr. Jones, the obstetrician,” she introduced herself, and he felt himself go limp with relief when she smiled. “I wanted to let you know that Jori’s out of surgery and resting comfortably. There was some bleeding, and we had to give her a transfusion, but she’s going to be fine.”
AJ released his breath in a huge sigh. “Thank you, Doctor,” he replied gratefully. “I’d shake your hand, but mine are a little full right now…” He grinned down at Lucy, asleep in his arms.
Dr. Jones smiled, too. “She’s a beautiful baby. You and Jori are lucky parents.”
AJ nodded. “I know. Can I see Jori?”
“Of course. She’s just coming out of anesthesia, and she’ll be in some pain, but I’m sure she’ll be glad to see you and hear about the baby. Valerie can show you the way.”
It was hard to let Lucy go, but worth it to see for himself that Jori was alright. He followed Valerie out of the NICU and down the hall, to a different part of the floor. Jori lay in bed in a small room of her own. Her eyes were closed, her red hair spread over the white pillowcase. The ends were still damp, but the rest of her was dry, her wet bikini replaced with a thin hospital gown. Wires and tubes snaked out from under it, reminding him of how close he’d come to losing her. A lump rose in his throat as he gently lifted her hand from the covers and gave it a squeeze. It was warm and dry this time, and to his relief, he felt her fingers curl around his in a weak squeeze back.
“Jori?” he whispered, as her blue eyes fluttered open. “You with me, babe?”
She gazed up at him in confusion. “Did I have the baby?” she murmured, her voice soft and slurred.
He smiled down at her. “Yes you did. Lucy’s here, and she’s amazing. I can’t wait for you to see her.”
Her brow furrowed. “What happened?” she breathed. “Did I have a C-section?”
“You sure you wanna hear all the gory details now?”
“Just tell me…”
He sank down on the edge of the mattress. “Yeah, baby, you did.”
She closed her eyes, as her whole face crumpled, and when she opened them again, they were full of tears. “It hurts…” she whimpered, as one of them slid down her pale cheek.
AJ reached up and brushed it away with his finger. “I know. But you’ll be alright. You’ll get through it. Lucy’s counting on you.”
She nodded, managing a wavery smile. “Lucy… Lucy in the sky…” Her eyelids drooped shut. “… with diamonds,” she murmured, and the lines of pain in her face smoothed out, as she drifted back to sleep.
AJ remained in his perch on the bed, still holding her hand.
***
