Jori (II)
Over the past three days she had spent in the hospital, Jori had seen other new mothers wheeled by her open door with their arms and laps heaped with flowers, balloons, and gift bags, while their happy husbands walked alongside them, carrying their newborns in infant seats.
When it was time for her to leave, there were no gifts or decorations to pack up, for no one but Howie had come to visit. All of her family and friends were in Indiana, almost a three hours’ drive away, and she’d told them to wait to make the trip when she and Lucy were home. Now, alone in her room with Lucy while AJ went down to pull the car up and get the carseat out, Jori felt sorry for herself.
“Looks like it’s just us, baby girl,” she whispered, leaning over to plant a soft kiss on Lucy’s forehead. The movement pulled at her incision, and she winced as she settled back in her wheelchair, trying to get comfortable again. She hadn’t expected to be in so much pain, three days after giving birth, but then, she hadn’t expected to give birth via C-section either. The complications she’d suffered had made everything else complicated, too. She couldn’t even hold her baby without the support of pillows placed strategically to protect her incision, and even then, it hurt. Breastfeeding had been a nightmare so far, but Jori was determined to keep trying, hoping it would get easier with time. She knew it was best for her baby, and that was what mattered. Everything she had endured over the past few days – the pain, the fear, the whole near-death experience – had been for this little girl.
Lucy. Looking down at the sleeping infant nestled in the crook of her arm, it was hard for Jori to imagine that this was the life she’d helped to create, the little person she’d carried for nine months. She had felt Lucy move inside her belly, but the baby she now held in her arms was as still as stone. Even at three days old, it was easy to see her resemblance to AJ – the high forehead, the heavy-lidded eyes, the fine layer of dark hair on her head. But though she’d spent hours staring at Lucy, her eyes taking in every last detail of her daughter’s face, Jori had yet to see herself in the infant’s features. “I must have passed on all the dominant genes,” AJ had gloated, when Jori had said something about it the night before. He had said it jokingly, but to Jori, it was no joke. In her eyes, there was no baby more beautiful than Lucy, but if AJ hadn’t placed her on Jori’s chest and told her she was theirs, Jori worried she might not have recognized her own child. She’d been unconscious when Lucy was born; she hadn’t been able to see her slide out into the doctor’s hands or hear her first cry. She hadn’t gotten to hold her right away, when she was still red and wrinkled and wet. Those precious moments she had missed haunted Jori.
But now was not the time to dwell on them. AJ was back, lugging the car seat. “Ready to go?” he asked excitedly, setting the seat down on the bed.
Jori nodded. She was eager to get Lucy home, though a part of her was nervous. Here in the hospital, she’d had help available whenever she needed it – help with feedings, help changing diapers, even help getting up to use the bathroom herself. Once she went home, she would be on her own. AJ would be around, of course, but although he had boundless energy and the best of intentions, he didn’t know any more about babies than Jori did. What if we turn out to be terrible parents? she wondered, watching anxiously as AJ took Lucy from her arms and strapped her into her car seat. His hands moved clumsily, awkward at first, but in the end, Lucy was snug and secure in her seat, and they were on the way.
Again, Jori felt a strange sense of disconnect, as she was wheeled out of the hospital by a nurse, while AJ carried Lucy. He put the baby into the back seat of his car, connecting the car seat to its base, while the nurse helped Jori in on the other side. She tucked a towel between the seatbelt and her stomach as she waited for AJ to finish fumbling with the car seat.
“How ya doin’?” he asked at one point, reaching across the seat to squeeze her thigh.
Jori shrugged. “Okay, I guess. I just wanna get home.”
AJ nodded. “You bet, babe.” He closed the door and trotted around to the driver’s side. “We’re on our way!” he announced as he slid behind the wheel, jamming his key into the ignition. As the engine sprang to life, Jori worried the rumbling and jostling of the car would disturb Lucy, but the newborn stayed sound asleep and didn’t stir the whole way home. AJ drove ten miles slower than he usually did and used all of his signals, taking care to protect the precious cargo in the back seat.
When they pulled into the pothole-filled parking lot behind their building, AJ jumped out to help Jori first, then went around to get Lucy. They made slow progress up the stairs, Jori clinging to the banister as AJ stayed behind her, his free hand touching the small of her back while the other held Lucy’s carrier. It was a relief to make it to the second floor landing outside their apartment door; Jori’s abdomen burned as if she’d just done a hundred sit-ups, and her legs felt like jelly. When AJ handed her the key, she unlocked the door gratefully and led the way inside.
It was chilly inside the apartment; AJ must have turned the heat down during one of his trips home to pick up clothes. He’d spent the better part of the past three days at the hospital with Jori and the baby, and it was wasteful to squander money heating an unoccupied apartment. Still, Jori couldn’t help but shiver. She turned up the thermostat on the way into Lucy’s bedroom.
“Here we are, Baby Lucy,” AJ cooed in a soft voice, as he carried their daughter into the artfully decorated nursery. “This is your room. Do you like it? Your mama sure busted her butt to make it look nice.”
Jori smiled, her heart swelling with pride and joy as she watched AJ lift Lucy out of her carrier and show her around the room. Finally, the nursery was complete.
They lay Lucy in the crib, under the starry sky with the mirror to reflect her sleeping face. For a long time, the two of them just stood there, arms folded over the crib rail, staring down at the perfect piece of art they had created together, marveling over the miracle that was Lucy Sky Diamond McLean.
“You look beat, babe. Why don’t you go lie down?” AJ suggested in a whisper, though he barely glanced over at her. He didn’t seem to be able to take his eyes off the baby.
Jori hadn’t realized how much she had started to lean on the crib. She wasn’t ready to leave Lucy, but as she straightened up, her incision screaming in protest, she knew she wouldn’t be able to stand there much longer. “Maybe I’ll go take a shower,” she said. “I need to wash the hospital stench off me.”
AJ laughed. “Alright. You need any help?”
Jori flashed him a tired smile. “Tempting as that sounds, you better stay here with Lucy. I’ll be fine.” She pried her hands off the crib rail and forced herself to turn away, hobbling off to the bathroom.
After three days of sponge baths in the hospital, Jori really was craving a shower. She shed her clothes, carefully avoiding looking at her reflection in the mirror. She knew how terrible she must look, her red hair hanging limp and greasy, her body bloated with leftover baby weight, her belly bandaged with a large, white dressing that covered her incision. She peeled off the dressing carefully, grimacing at the sight of the angry red slash running down the center of her swollen belly. It was going to leave an ugly scar. Even after she lost the baby weight, she would never feel comfortable wearing a bikini again.
The jagged red line blurred before her eyes as they filled with tears. Jori hadn’t prepared for this, had never even consented to having surgery. She knew that AJ had made the decision while she was bleeding to death and that it had saved both her life and Lucy’s. She didn’t blame him for that. But she did resent the obstetrician who had performed the emergency C-section. Most Cesarean scars ran horizontally below the bikini line, but in her haste to get the baby out safely, the doctor had sliced Jori open from her naval all the way down to her pubic bone. The long, vertical incision would heal and fade with time, but Jori knew she’d never be able to hide it completely. The realization made her feel violated. She hadn’t just been cut open; she’d been gutted like a fish.
By the time she stepped into the shower, the tears had started to fall, blending with the hot water as they dripped from her face. She had a good, long cry as she showered, scouring her skin and scrubbing her face until it was as red and raw as the edges of her incision. The effect erased all traces of tears from her cheeks, and when she got out of the shower and wiped the fog from the mirror, it was impossible to tell she’d been crying. She wrapped herself in a towel, hugging it to her swollen breasts, and carefully combed out her long hair. When she left the bathroom, the apartment was silent; Lucy was still asleep.
“I’m gonna take a nap, babe!” she called softly to AJ. “Wake me up if the baby cries.”
“I’m on it, Jor, don’t worry about it. Get some rest,” AJ’s voice drifted back to her.
Jori knew Lucy would need to nurse again before long, something AJ couldn’t help with, but maybe she had an hour for a quick nap. She threw on an oversized t-shirt and crawled painfully into bed, her belly throbbing as she tried to find a comfortable position. But no sooner had she closed her eyes than she heard the baby start to cry. Jori sighed as she struggled to drag herself back out of bed. Welcome to motherhood, she thought.
***
