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He slammed the door shut, letting out some frustrations from the day. He emptied the contents of his pocket onto the console table in the foyer and marched to the living room. He flung himself on the sofa, stretched his legs out, tilted his head back, and closed his eyes. He took several deep breaths and exhaled slowly. He wanted to relax, clear his thoughts from the disappointment of his meeting. Needless to say, his gut was right. They wanted to change parts of the lyrics he felt were crucial to the integrity of the song.

He put his heart into this song; every song he wrote was special to him. It took time to find the right tempo and mix of words to create the sound he envisioned. Now having to make changes he felt weren’t necessary, tested his abilities. He took it harder than usual since this song held personal meaning to him. Every song represented some part of him or aspect of his life he could relate to. He took pride in his songs. When he decided to write songs for other artists he hoped to make a difference. Now all he felt was discouraged.

It seemed to be the theme of the day. Nothing was going as he hoped. The song was a minor setback, something he could control the outcome of. However, there were other things on his mind blocking his thought process. He could never write while angry; always had to have a clear conscious to be creative. He knew what he had to do to clear his mind, but he knew it wasn’t going to be easy.

He hadn’t received one phone call, one text, all day. No acknowledgement of his arrival, no recognition of his text. Nothing. The silence was killing him. How much longer did he have to wait for her? He learned early on to give her the emotional space she needed when they argued. Sometimes it would only take a matter of hours or a day for her to calm down; no matter how long the waiting frustrated him. He’d rather talk something through and solve it quickly than have it fog his thoughts. His leg started to shake as his thoughts ran through his mind, his frustration coming to the surface again. He craved contact with her. Especially since she wasn’t near. “Damn it!” He cursed as he sat up to retrieve his phone from the foyer. He knew he had to confront her before it consumed him more.

He scrolled through his contacts and pressed send when he found her. He took another deep breath as the phone ringed, hoping she would answer.

“Hey.” The voice was soft, quiet. He pictured her not knowing what else to say.

“Hi. Did I interrupt anything?”

“No. Just put the boys down for the night. Do you want me to see if they are awake? I doubt they are asleep yet.”

“Oh, I forgot what time it is there. Guess I’ve had other things on my mind that I forgot about the time difference.” It wasn’t all a lie. He sat back down, calculating what time it would be there even though he knew when the boys went to bed.

“Three time zones Nick.” She replied as if she was reading his mind.

“How’d you know I was thinking about that?”

“I could hear your mind thinking. How else?” the sarcasm did not make him laugh.

“Guess I’m that easy to read.”

“Yes,” she agreed, “What’s up Nick? I know you didn’t call to BS.”

“Are we ok? I haven’t heard from you today.” Nick asked not knowing how else to start the conversation.

“Been a busy day at work. In fact right now is the first time I’ve had to sit down.”

“Would have to be since I didn’t hear back from you.” Annoyance prominent in his voice. He knew he’d have to get to the point to get her to start speaking.

“What?” a brief pause, “Oh shit. I forgot to reply to your text.”

“I’ve been worried about you all day. And that’s your apology?” the anger slowly building from within.

“Worried about me? Are you sure you’re not trying to pick a fight?”

“Damn it Renee, don’t do this. Don’t turn things back on me. These are the most words you’ve spoken to me in three days; can we have a real conversation?”

“Are you ready to admit there’s a problem?” She countered back.

“I admit I shouldn’t have kept it hidden from you for so long, but there’s really nothing wrong with me. I’m only doing the appointment to please you.”

“God Nick. You really think you’re ok? That this will blow over? I know you’re scared but this is only going to get worse until you face the fact that there is something wrong. You’re not invincible, you need help and you’re too proud to admit it.”

“So, what? You’re saying I’m in denial? I’m not. I admit I’m not in the best shape, but I’m doing something about it. It’s just a phase, something that will pass.”

“What was it that you said to me? That you’ve had several episodes? It wasn’t the first time it happened to you. It will not pass Nick.”

“Why can’t you listen to me? I know my body, I would know if something was wrong.”

“You hid this Nick! Why aren’t you listening to yourself? Stop blaming me for your insecurities.”

“I’m insecure? Who can’t speak to me for three days? How childish is that Renee? And I still haven’t received an apology for today.”

“Wow,” she paused in shock, “You’re right Nick. I’m sorry for being selfish. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you when I was upset. I’m sorry that my concern for you has made me distant. Most of all I’m sorry I tried to help you. Clearly you don’t want it.” She sniffled as she finished.

His heart sunk, he knew instantly when he threw those words out that it was in the heat of the moment. He didn’t intend to make her cry, to upset her more. All he wanted to do was hear her voice, know she was ok. He feared he made it worse.

“Babe, I know you’re worried. I don’t know why I said that, I…” He was interrupted.

“Don’t do that Nick. You can’t take it back now. This is why I didn’t say anything, why I’ve been quiet. You can’t expect to make things better by blaming me for something I have the right to be upset about. Thanks for once again proving what an asshole you are.”

“Babe…” she cut him off.

“The fact that you don’t think you need help, means you need it even more. Good night Carter.” He rested his head in his hands while her words sank in. She was right; he was an ass.


I didn’t know what woke me, I wanted to be asleep, yet my mind had other plans. I was exhausted from the long day between work and managing the boys by myself, hell maybe from the past three days. I hadn’t got a good night’s sleep all weekend. Ever since that night it’s been on my mind. It keeps replaying like a bad dream you wake up from and hope you never have again. Every time I pray for a different outcome, but it always ends the same way.

As I lay alone in our bed I roll over and look at the spot where he lays, and feel water fill my eyes. I always missed him when he was gone; the bed seemed bigger when he wasn’t in it. Yet I knew he was still here in my heart, I pictured him sound asleep next to me, safe and healthy. I didn’t want to think about anything happening to him. The thought scared me. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Without his laughter, his silly jokes, his smile when he looks at me. His big heart he shared with me. Or use to. I was upset; maybe too upset but the news shocked me. Sure I could blame the alcohol but that’s cowardly and false. The night was full of surprises and that topped it all. I couldn’t comprehend his words at first; I didn’t want to hear that there was something wrong with him. I was scared, still am.

The next day was rough. Anyone could sense the tension between us; the cold exchanges, the glances when we were in the same room together. I knew I should say something, do something, but I couldn’t do it just yet. I needed time to figure out my emotions, my thoughts about this. I had plenty. I was worried and still furious at him. How could he do this? How could he be so blind? Why he was not worried about it? I knew in fact that he was, or he would have shared the news sooner. Knowing that he thought it was serious only frustrated me more. That there was something that could hurt him. It may have been selfish to leave things unfinished before he left, but it was easier. Why stress about something you don’t know is certain yet? He hadn’t had the appointment; I was dooming him before he knew anything was wrong. But my gut wouldn’t let it be, it was unsettled and wouldn’t quit. I knew it was bad, I saw it. Lord knew how many instances he had before I saw it. That thought irritated me more, him going through this by himself, too proud to lean on me for support. Why would he? He clearly thought I would overreact when he told me. Maybe I did. Or maybe I didn’t. Maybe I acted like anyone would when the love of their life was hurting. Frustrated, I rolled over; I couldn’t lie in the same place anymore. My mind was making me restless.

His voice tonight made my heart ache. I wanted to be weak, to break down and tell him everything was ok. To let him think I wasn’t mad, that I was here for him. But I knew I couldn’t let him win. Sure that sounds petty, but if I did he wouldn’t admit what I knew was in his head. I had to make him realize he was in denial. That he needed to wake up and see the only fight he was having was with himself and not me. I was just a scapegoat for something bigger. It worked for a while, until he threw it back at me. I should have expected it, seen it coming. He has never been afraid to hurt my feelings, to speak his mind. It’s what I admire about him. If only I could do that as easily as him then we wouldn’t be in this predicament. I cursed myself. I wanted to be mad at him and yet I was becoming mad at myself. How silly! Ugh Carter, these twisted webs we spin. Will it ever end?