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'Well, there was a bright side to all of this: I'm able to see my kids again...'
I thought as I dried my tears.

But Brian made it perfectly clear that he wants nothing to do with me. I know I hurt him, but I still love him and Nick. But Nick had already moved on, figures. I got up from the table and walked outside. It was beautiful. I used to spend days like this with the men in my life and my kids, but not anymore. All I had to look forward to were visits and living with a man that didn't love me. God, this sucks. I started walking in the direction of Brian's house, couples walked past me holding hands. I missed that now more than ever...

As I made my way to Brian's house, I wasn't even sure if I could do this. Live with the man that used to be my husband, watch as he brought other women into my children's lives. I didnt know if I could take that. Only one way to find out; I walked up the pathway to the doorstep and rang the doorbell. I expected Brian to answer it. Instead a woman with blonde hair stood before me.

"Can I help you?"

"Is Brian here?"

"Depends on who's looking for him...what do you want?"

"Look lady, I don't have time to chit chat, I'm Brian's ex-wife and I'm here to see my kids."

"Oh..." she looked me up and down. "Whatever...Brian!" She never took her eyes off of me, I could tell that she already didn't like me, not that I cared...but secretly, I did.

I still loved him with everything in me, but I know that he doesn't love me anymore. I stayed put at the doorway, waiting for Brian to come down. When he did, he didn't look surprised to see me.

"Hi."

That was the only thing that he said to me. I hung my head down, holding my arm. Brian walked towards his girlfriend, and whispered something in her ear. I guess he told her to go in the kitchen, because that's what she did, after giving me a dirty look, as if I was a sinning child though in a way, I was. I walked in, and faced him.

"We need to talk."

"Fine. Where do you wanna cry?"

"Don't start Brian, ok?" Brian shrugged, and walked away towards the dining room.

"Chris, Grace Lynn, bedtime."

"Awww...but...but Daddy..." Chris said.

"It was gettin' good...Five more minutes?"

"No. bed. Now." Chris got up, and picked up Grace, who was sucking her thumb, as they headed upstairs.

'This is not going to be easy'
I thought watching my kids go upstairs.

I sat down, and Brian sat across from me, looking at me with those icy blue eyes. That gaze nearly burned a damn hole in my heart. I didn't like the feeling.

"What do you want?"

"Brian you said that I could come back here. Why the fuck do you have a blonde bimbo in this house?"

"I really don't think that it's any of your goddamn concern."

"None of my concern? I think it is when that woman is around my children. Look, do you want me here or not? This was your idea after all..."

We each sat down on the couch. It was there that he dropped another bombshell.

"Now I'm starting to have second thoughts about that." I look up at his face, in shock. Complete shock.

"What do you mean, 'second thoughts'? Those are MY children, too!"

"Yeah? But who has sole custody?"

"You promised..."

"Promises are meant to be broken..." he gets up, and stands in front of me.

"Just like how you broke my heart."

I stand up meeting his chest. I become angry in an instant. Not a weepy, after school special angry, but pissed beyond recognition. "How could you sit there in that restaurant last night and lie to me?!"

"How could you stand there and lie to me about Nick?!"

"I said I was sorry!" "It's not good enough! It's NEVER good enough!" he closes his eyes, stepping away from me.

"You know what? Why am I still wasting my time hollerin' and screamin' at you? Get out."

I simply stand there, holding my ground.

"Did you hear me?"

"Oh, I heard you loud and clear. That doesn't mean I'm doing it. You made a verbal agreement that I could see my children, and you do NOT have the right to take that from me. Now, you had better stay true to your damn word, because I am not going anywhere...I REFUSE to be lonely again..."

"You listen to me, Deanna Marie Jones...I---"

"And YOU listen to ME, Brian Thomas Littrell...I am not going ANYWHERE unless my children want me to. You cannot, and will not take away my right to see my kids! I gave birth...PAINFUL BIRTH to them, and I WILL raise them, whether you like it or not...do I make myself clear?"

Brian steps back again, holding his head down. In thinking that my harsh words sunk into his head, they didn't.

"Now, I suggest that you tell your...your whore to leave. I have a family to raise..." he laughs in disbelief.

"Diahanne has every right to be here...as you don't."

"Don't worry, Brian...I'm leaving..."

I see his beach blanket whore waltzing her ass into the living room with a suitcase.

"I thought you were done with her...I'm outta here..."

"No, Di, don't go...Deanna was just leaving, and--" I cross my arms, looking at him with a devious smile knowing that he's been defeated. Diahanne looks back at me, then at Brian.

"I had a feeling that moving in with you was a bad idea. Goodbye, Littrell..."

Upon walking to the door, he rushes over to her, begging her to stay. The door slams with her outside of it...then the car engine starting...then the skidding of the tires.

"DAMNIT!" his fist met the wall, followed by an angry Brian wincing. He places his hands upon the wall, his head hung low. Still with his face toward the ground, he says, "You're not gonna make this easy for me, are you?"

"Not by a long shot."

"Fine...FINE. You can stay...but remember--"

"Acknowledge one another in name only, I got it."

"Can you at least let me get a word in edgewise?"

"No. You don't deserve to say anything. And you know what? I'm too pissed off to deal with you. I'm going upstairs to see my children." And with that, I walk up the steps, and into their bedrooms.

If Brian wants me gone, I'm not going to leave without a fight. If it's drama he wants and craves, then it's drama he's going to get. Head on.