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"Well, I’m here now. What did you want to tell me?"

Nick walked closer to me, and held my hands.

"Deanna...words can’t express how I feel for you right now...I’ve tried so hard to get rid of these feelings I had for you before...but I’m a fool. I still care for you...I still love you."

I just stand there, looking up at him in disbelief. "Nick...you kicked me out of your apartment. You hung me out to dry. Now, you’re having a change of heart?"

"I was a fool to let you go...I should have saw past the fact that you were with someon–"

"Forget it."

"And that...what?"

"I said, forget it, Nick. I apologized to you...on NUMEROUS occasions, and you just kicked me out...knowing I had no other place to go! And now, you’re standing here with your damn flowers and chocolates, thinking that everything will be alright between us?!"

He hung his head down, biting his lower lip. "I was hoping."

"Get out. Just leave me alone. I’ve had enough with you and Brian talking shit about me...I don’t need more of it..." "But it’ll be different now.."

"HOW will it be different, Carter?! Huh? What, you want me to come and live with you again, and you berate me in front of my daughter?"

"No..."

"Then what is it?"

"I...I can’t live without you...You’re everything to me..."

I walk up to him, looking him deep in his eyes.

"Why are you doing this? You know damn well that I don’t need this...for God’s sake, I had enough from Brian, and I definitely don’t need this shit from you."

Nick holds his head down again, letting what I said to him sink in.

"You’re right...you’re absolutely right about that. But just remember one thing: I was the best that you had, am I not?"

"What is with you? YOU dumped me, and you’re telling me that you’re the best that I ever had? Are you THAT thick in the head?!"

After that verbal blasting, Brian opens the door, stepping out.

"Alright, what the hell is going on now?"

"Nothing that should concern you, Littrell."

"Nothing that should concern me? Need I remind you that you’re in my goddamn house, and you don’t have the right to disrespect me..."

"Yet, you disrespected me...you stole my fiancee from me...you planted your seed, and gave her two children...and I’m disrespecting you?!"

"Please stop..." I say softly , but they still continued to argue.

"I thought you were the one person that I would ever call, "friend", and you stabbed me in the back!"

"I stabbed you in the back, Carter? ME?! I should say the same to you! She was my damn wife, and you sashayed your big ass into the fuckin’ picture! Now, if you will excuse me, Deanna and I need to talk..."

"Over my dead body. She’s coming with me so we can talk."

Deep within me, I started getting royally pissed at these two men whom I called my lovers arguing like schoolchildren on a playground.

Truthfully, I wanted them back in my life, well, at least one of them. I don’t understand it. We can’t simply have a normal table conversation without yelling and screaming? Ever since I moved back in with Brian, I’ve been yelled at, and I really can’t take that shit anymore.

"I SAID GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! NOW!" said Brian in a fierce growl.

"I’m NOT going anywhere without her!"

"STOP IT!!!"

They both stopped the childish bickering, and turned around. Their eyes began to burn through me.

"Please....just stop fighting...Have....have you two forgotten...that BOTH of you dumped me? Now, all of a sudden, you all want me back?! I don’t need this, I REALLY don’t need this!!" I shrieked, my voice echoed throughout the whole neighborhood.

I didn’t care if anyone else heard me, nor the whole world for that matter.

"Both of you kicked me to the curb without letting me explain...both of you hung me out to dry with nothing to support me at all! I couldn’t get a fucking job, I was emotionally unstable! I said I was sorry to the both of you, but you did not listen! You shut my ass out! And now, all of a fuckin’ sudden, you two want me back?! Start everything fresh like nothing happened?! FORGET IT!"

Brian and Nick just stood there, dumbfounded, not knowing what to say.

"So....what I’m going to do...is pack my things, and find another place to stay...even if it is at the curb, it’s much better than having to deal with you two..."

"But, Deanna—" Brian placed his hand on his shoulder.

"No...don’t try to change her mind....let her go..."

Nick watches me walk back outside to meet them. In my hands are two satchels with my personal belongings.

"I’ll come back to get the rest of my things."

"Where are you gonna go, Deanna?" Nick asked with a hint of worry sewn in his voice.

"Probably to my parents house...though I may get a third degree from them...at least they still really love me...and doesn’t need a trophy lover at their side."

"Deanna, that’s not tru–"

"I’m done...Brian, Ok? I don’t want anymore of this. I’m not going to say sorry, because you two never did..."

And with that, I turn away from them, and walk down the porch steps and walk down the sidewalk. I never turned back after I left. I never even gave ‘returning home’ a second thought.

So now, here I am at another place, alone. My parents were generous enough to issue me an apartment not two far from the place I once called ‘home.’ I also was given a job at Starbucks. It’s a nice paying job; it keeps me occupied, which is alright with me.

A lot has changed outside my small abode: Melanie’s now in the first grade doing exceedingly well, Chris made the "Little Tyke" Football Team; I’m so proud of him. Grace Lynn is learning her ABC’s and 123's, and she’s even talking. Brian called me and told me the progress of my little girl. I couldn’t be more happier for them. Now, don’t get me wrong, I want to spend the rest of my life caring and nurturing my family. It’s just that I need time for me right now. I need to clear my mind, and start planning for me: what I need, what else I need out of life.

Chrissie is now talking to me. Finally, my gossiping ally is back in my life again after 5 years of getting the cold shoulder. She’s told me a lot of things: her and Kevin’s first child is walking and talking; she’s a precious little thing. They’re also planning to have more than one child, which is wonderful. Everyone’s happy....

Everyone but me.

Why do I still feel this way? Is it because I still want to be with them, despite the constant shit that they put me through? That can’t be it. I know it’s not it. Maybe it’s because...despite everything: seeing my children, ‘talking’ with my ex’s...I’m still alone. The feeling never left all those years ago after they didn’t want anything to do with me.

When will the feeling go away? When will I find someone who will love me and my children equally? When will I stop asking these questions which I know may never be answered? Maybe...I was meant to live alone...maybe I shouldn’t let things get to me, and try to move on from everything. After all, this was my doing. This is my fault...

This was my aftermath.