I didn’t go back to the apartment for a good while that night. I wanted to be sure that everyone else was gone. The thought of having to face then, of having to explain what had happened… I couldn’t deal with it.

Instead, I walked around the small park near the apartment complex. I waited until my eyes weren’t capable of anymore tears.

Carmen was waiting for me. I knew she would be. Diana was there, too, which surprised me.

“August, I’ve been worried to death!” Carmen said. “Do you have any idea how long you’ve been gone?”

I didn’t. I’d lost track of time. I sat on the couch, feeling numb. Unable to look either of them in the eyes.

“What happened?” Carmen asked, sitting on one side of me. Diana moved to the other.

“He…” I had to take a deep breath before I could continue. “He never… wants to… see me again.” As much as I tried to calm down, I could feel my eyes water again. I choked over each word.

“Did you try to explain?”

I nodded. “He… wouldn’t… believe me.”

Sensing that I couldn’t go on, Carmen said, “It’s all my fault. When I was giving the tour, I mentioned the computer virus. I told them about the cup holder because Natasha was being her regular self, and I was trying to lighten the mood. Diana mentioned that she was good with computers…”

“It’s my fault,” Diana interjected. “I feel horrible, August! I only got on your computer to try to help.”

I realized now why she’d stayed. She felt guilty and wanted to explain.

“No, I left you two in there… Nick called me out to the living room…”

Diana shook her head at Carmen. “I got it running again and just wanted to make sure your systems were working. I clicked on the Word icon and just picked a file at random. I got up to find you, and Natasha got on the computer…”

“That whore,” Carmen muttered, crossing her arms.

“When did she… find the poster,” I asked, trying to take it all in.

“I guess she was kind of looking around your room when I was getting rid of the virus,” Diana said. “She must’ve looked in your closet. Anyway, you were on the deck, so I came back into your room and by then Natasha had been reading…”

I could take the rest from there. “Oh.”

“I swear, August, I hadn’t looked at the document. I didn’t…” she was getting teary eyed, too.

“It’s neither of your faults,” I said. “It’s no one’s fault but my own.”

Carmen passed me a tissue.

“I was going to tell him tonight… I was about to tell him. I mean, not about the article—I hadn’t thought about it since, it was just me killing a few minutes—but about being a fan. Ironic, huh?” I laughed sadly and wiped my face with the tissue again.

“It’s not like you would have ever published it, right?” Carmen asked. “He’s got to understand that. Deep down.”

“So I guess you read it?”

She exchanged looks with Diana. “Yeah. We were wondering what all the fuss was about. And not until everyone else left, of course. I had a good enough idea when I saw the poster. I kicked Natasha out, I can promise you that. I gave her an earful. If she can ever hear again, it’ll be a miracle.” Carmen put her arm around my shoulder.

They had already cleaned up from the party. I sat on the couch for several minutes, not saying anything. Not knowing what to say.

“You know, I think we still have some ice cream left from the last time you and Brian fought,” Carmen got up and rummaged through the freezer. She pulled out my favorite: Chocolate Fudge Brownie. After passing each of us a spoon, and scooped herself out a big bite.

I still felt miserable, but it helped slightly.

“We’ll have to buy some more for next time,” Carmen said, once the carton was getting empty.

“What next time?” I wondered.

“I’m sure you guys will get through this,” Diana said comfortingly. “This just caught Brian by surprise. He’ll calm down though. You can tell him how you really feel…”

“I told him I loved him.”

Diana stared at me. Carmen froze, spoon full of ice cream in mid-air.

“You did? What did he say?”

“Nothing,” I sighed.

“And… do you?” Carmen asked.

Did I love him or was I simply caught up in the moment? That’s what she was asking. “Yes.” I forced more ice cream into my mouth, so I couldn’t talk. So I wouldn’t cry. They didn’t know what to tell me, but they sat with me anyway.

**********

On Monday, I was still replaying the events of two nights before over and over again in my head. What if I’d said this, or done that… It was all hindsight bias now. I thought about calling him, but I was afraid he’d hang up on me. Besides, what could I say at this point that I hadn’t already?

It was hopeless. I’d never had a broken heart before, not really. I’d never felt so sick in my life. I would’ve gladly broken my arm again, like the one time in fourth grade. Or gotten my tonsils taken out again. My wisdom teeth. All three on the same day.

Nothing was worse than this.

I stayed in bed for half the day, calling in sick to work. I couldn’t get myself to go in. It made me think of Brian.

Carmen tried to make me lunch, but I couldn’t eat. I could manage a few bites here or there, but I hadn’t had a full meal since before the party. I just wasn’t hungry. When I went to get a bottle of water out of the fridge, I saw the concert tickets where I had placed them. Opening night was tonight. I forced myself to look away. I was on my last box of tissues and wasn’t about to go to the store looking and feeling like this.

“I don’t suppose there’s any way I can convince you to come tonight?” Carmen asked gently.

“He won’t want me there.” It was painful to say, but it was true.

A horrible image ran through my mind of him seeing me in the audience. Of him glaring at me in hate and disgust. I thought of his face before he left… I couldn’t bear to see that expression again.

“Are you going to be okay here by yourself tonight?”

I could tell what she really wanted to ask. “Carmen, go to the concert. Nick would be crushed if you didn’t show up. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”

I’ll be fine. I wasn’t sure I ever would be again. But her being miserable tonight, too, wouldn’t solve anything. I knew how much she was looking forward to seeing the performance. I had been, too.

The doorbell rang and Carmen went to get it.

“Nick, what are you doing here?”

“I just wanted to drop by for a second. I’ve got soundcheck in an hour. But I’m packed and ready to go otherwise.” He gave her a kiss on the cheek.

“Hey, August,” he said, glancing at my wrinkled clothes and unwashed hair. “How are you?”

It was one of those questions people already know the answer to, but feel like they have to ask anyway.

“Umm… I’ve been better.” That was an understatement.

I started to get up, to give them a moment to talk before he had to leave, but Nick stopped me.

“I didn’t mean to kick you out, August.”

I remembered that they were going out to celebrate after the show tonight, as well as say goodbye to each other for the time being. It dawned on me that he wasn’t here to see Carmen. He was checking up on me. I smiled inwardly.

“How’s…” I stopped myself. It was automatic for me to ask about Brian. “Everyone excited for the show tonight?”

Nick looked from Carmen to me, not sure how to talk to me. “Yeah. Yeah, we’re… all excited. Are you…?”

“No, she’s not coming,” Carmen answered for me.

“Thanks for the ticket, Nick. I just… can’t.”

“Oh,” he said. “Well, no problem.”

There was an awkward silence.

“AJ is really pissed off at Natasha,” Nick said.

Carmen smacked him on the arm. I guess she’d asked him not to bring it up. Especially not Natasha. I also assumed she’d filled him in on what had happened. As far as what the article I’d written said and why we’d fought, although Brian had probably filled him in, too. I knew Carmen wouldn’t have mentioned that I’d said I loved him, but I didn’t know whether or not Brian would tell Nick. Regardless, Nick was trying to relay that he was rooting for me. I appreciated it, even though I knew that Brian and I were a lost cause.

I laughed slightly. I knew he was only trying to help. “That’s funny. Me, too.” Even though I took full responsibility for what happened. Still, it brought me some happiness to know that Natasha hadn’t gotten off completely. Their fights never lasted long, but it was nice to feel as if I had people on my side.

“Well, it’s better to be pissed off than pissed on,” Nick joked.

Carmen glared at him again, but I laughed.

“Yeah, Nick. That’s true.” I laughed again, and for a few seconds my heart didn’t ache. Nick glanced at the clock. “Well, I’d better get going. I wasn’t kidding about only having a second to spare today.”

“I’ll see you tonight,” she said, walking him back to the front door.

“You bet,” he said, then turned back to me. “I really am sorry, August.” He gave me a half smile. “Especially since I thought Brian had already…”

Nick stopped suddenly, looking embarrassed. He raked his fingers through his hair nervously. Carmen’s eyes were wide. She was angry he’d almost let something slip.

“What?” I asked, worried.

Unconvincingly, Nick answered, “Nothing.” Carmen echoed with the same response.

Nick stuttered. “Uh, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Nick, what?” I asked nicely but firmly.

Carmen shot him a look, then thought better of it. “You worry about your big night. I’ll handle this. Good luck, sweetie. You’re going to do great.” She gave him a kiss. Nick looked from her to me, but then nodded. What did “handle this” mean?

“Are you sure? I only meant…”

She started pushing him towards the door.

“I’m sorry you’re not coming tonight,” Nick repeated. “And… I’m sorry,” he gave me a half smile. “Umm… I’ll see you guys later.”

Once gone, Carmen busied herself putting the food away. Putting the tie on the loaf of bread, she asked, “Are you sure you won’t eat anything?”

“Don’t try to change the subject. What’s up?”

“August, just trust me. As your best friend, I know you won’t want to know. It’s only going to make you feel worse.”

“If it’s about Brian, I have to know.”

She sighed, knowing I wasn’t going to relent. She started wiping the counter. “At the party, he was… planning to ask you to be his girlfriend.”

I stared at the tickets on the fridge again. She was right, that did make me feel worse.