~*~August's point of view~*~

The summer was slowly fading away. The first half had gone by so quickly. I’d blinked and it was July. Since then, each day had dragged. I finished my internship somehow. It wasn’t easy to go back, simply because of the connection it had with the fight, but I was done now. They’d offered me a job, part-time, during the school year. Especially since I didn’t have classes on Fridays this coming up semester, I could’ve worked a good amount of hours each week. And it had looked promising that they’d want to hire me full-time one day.

But I declined. Carmen flipped when I told her, saying that I was making a big mistake. But the fact of the matter was, my heart wasn’t in the writing anymore. I would find something else to concentrate on.

With classes impending, some friends were back in town, setting up their apartments and looking for part-time jobs for the year. Carmen got a few of them together and we had a girl’s night out, going to the movies to see a chick flick and getting ice cream afterwards. I was doing fine during the movie, but when they took me to the same ice cream parlor that Brian and I had gone to on our first date, I started to feel horrible again. We decided to go somewhere else instead, but the damage was done.

I just wasn’t capable of not thinking about him. I couldn’t remember what it was like to sleep through a night. I was still skipping a lot of meals, although the Ben and Jerry stock was probably benefitting from my pain.

Pa. The. Tic.

I played Millennium on repeat, just to hear his voice. There was one song in particular that I would play over and over again:

I’ve got this feeling, you’re not gonna stay, it’s burning within me

The fear of losing, of slipping away, just keeps getting closer, baby

Whatever reason to leave that I’ve had, my place is always beside you,

and I wish that I didn’t need you so bad, your face just won’t go away

I had always loved the song, but now I could relate. “Don’t wanna lose you now, baby, I know we can win this,” I sang along softly to it. Although I didn’t really think we could. ‘Win this,’ that is. Any remnants of hope I’d harbored were long gone. Whenever the harmony of that verse kicked in especially, the lyrics reached straight into my soul. There was something about that song that always touched me.

Whatever reason to leave that I’ve had my place is always beside you, and I wish that I didn’t need you so bad. Your face just won’t go away. It was too true.

“August, I love you, but if you play this song one more time, I’m going to have to find another roommate.”

“Sorry,” I turned my stereo off and sat back down on the bed.

“Why do you keep doing this to yourself?” she asked. “It’s been weeks. You need to move on.”

Carmen was packing tonight. Nick was flying her out for a few shows before classes started. Diana was going, too. I’d come in my room because I couldn’t stand to watch her pack.

“I know. I just can’t.”

“August,” she said hesitantly, “it’s not like you even went out with him that long. He was busy with Backstreet half the time you all were dating. You’re first few weeks of acquaintance consisted of phone calls.”

I stared at her. I couldn’t believe that she was belittling what we’d had. Yes, that was all true. It was short lived. But I loved him. I’d never been surer of anything in my life. Sometimes I wished I didn’t, but it wasn’t a decision I could consciously make. And I knew it wasn’t a fact that was going to change any time soon.

“So. I don’t care how long it was. He was… is… the greatest guy in the world. And I blew it.”

“Natasha had a hand in that, too!” Carmen said. “Why does everyone keep forgetting about that?”

“Who’s everyone?”

“Um… nobody. You! What happened happened. I can’t stand to see you kicking yourself for it every day. Are you going to punish yourself for the rest of your life?”

I didn’t answer.

She sighed. “Anyways, I need to finish getting my clothes together.”

I thought about her leaving again. About how much I was sure I loved Brian. “What if I came with you?”

“What?”

“What if I went to meet them with you and Diana? You were the one saying that I just needed to explain things again…” I rushed, before I could think about it. I knew I was grasping at straws, but I couldn’t sit here and do nothing any longer. I know we can win this.

“No. That’s not a good idea.”

“Why not?” I asked.

“Because I think you need to move on.”

“But what if I never find anyone else?” I could hear the song playing in my head. Carmen was right. I’d listened to it way too much.

“You will.”

“But what if I don’t?” we went around in circles.

“I just don’t think you should invest so much time in him anymore,” she said cautiously.

“Carmen, what is it you’re trying to tell me?” I started to add up all the things she’d been saying tonight. “Carmen,” I said again when she didn’t answer. “Tell me, or I’m calling the airlines and booking my flight.” Good thing I had room on my credit card. This wasn’t going to be cheap.

She sat down in my desk chair. “If I thought it would make a difference, I would tell you- probably force you- on a plane to go find him and force him to stop being stupid. But I don’t think you’re going to get him back. I’m sorry. You know I’m rooting for you guys, but…” she trailed off.

“Carmen,” I repeated, “what do you know that I don't? Anything…”

“That has to do with Brian you want to know, I know,” she rolled her eyes. “Remember how well you took the news last time?”

Yeah. Not so much. “I’m not saying I’m going to like what you have to say, but I want to hear it.”

“Brian’s over it,” Carmen stated. “I’m sorry. I kept figuring he’d come around and realize what he was giving up, but… he’s moved on, August. I think you should, too. There are other guys out there. They aren’t Backstreet Boys, but we shouldn’t hold that against them. Not everyone’s cut out to be world famous boy banders.”

He’d moved on. I hadn’t exactly expected him to be half as much of a wreck as I was, but… I didn’t think he’d be over me either. I was hoping he missed me. At least a little.

“Over me? How did he act when you saw him?”

I’d heard about the opening night some. Mostly, she’d talked about the show and Nick. I had asked about Brian’s performance, and she said he had sung great. I didn’t realize until now the full meaning of that statement. I had only been happy that he had done a good job. I was still happy he had.

But it still stung that I hadn’t been on his mind.

“He acted… fine,” she shrugged. “He seems to be focusing on his career. I’m so sorry, August,” she said again. “But he’s happy. And that only means that he wasn’t the guy for you in the end. There’s someone else out there.”

I nodded, but I didn’t mean it. In fact, the more she said it, the less I believed her.

“I shouldn’t have said anything,” Carmen told me. “I just don’t want you to keep pining after someone who doesn’t realize how awesome you are. I mean, let’s be honest, I could be best friends with anyone. And I chose you!” she said grandly, grinning.

She was trying to make me laugh and it worked. “Maybe that’s just what I needed to hear.” Not what I wanted to hear, of course, but now that I knew that, maybe I could think about him a little less. Maybe the two of us hadn’t had quite what I’d thought.

Then I thought about the words I’d finally been able to get out of my mind. To him, we weren’t anything. But why had he looked so hurt when we had our fight? Why…

Well, if Carmen said that he was happy now, then he was happy now.

Of course, there was still the little problem of me being one-hundred percent in love with him. But there was nothing I could do about that.

And I wanted him to be happy. He deserved to be. I’d been reading reviews, and he was getting praise night after night. The newspaper articles showed him with a smile on his face, enjoying every second of being on stage. And I wasn’t the one making him happy. The truth was, Brian was better off without me.