~*~Brian’s point of view~*~

“Hey Brian,” AJ walked onto my bus. “What’s up?”

“Not much.” I was watching a DVD, lying on the couch and enjoying a break.

The tour had been going great so far, but I was getting pretty tired. We had two days off coming up, so that would be nice. I could sleep in some. Well, if I could get to sleep to begin with.

“Where’s Nick? I couldn’t find him on his bus, so I figured you all were playing video games or something.” AJ sat on the chair across from me.

I turned the movie off. “He went to get Carmen, remember?”

“Oh yeah… I thought that was tomorrow for some reason.”

I stared at him. “He was talking about it all during breakfast. Forget much?” I laughed. Then I thought about it. AJ knew perfectly well that Carmen was coming today. He was probably just trying to find a nonchalant way to bring it up and see what I’d say.

“Well, the days all kind of run together. Just be glad I remember to show up to all the concerts.”

“Uh-huh.”

“So,” he said, “wonder how Carmen’s doing?”

“I don’t know. You can ask her any time now,” I shrugged. “Probably fine.”

He decided to be more blunt. “You going to ask her about August?”

I sighed. “Why?”

“Because you haven’t talked to her since the party.”

Everyone knew the two of us had fought in the parking lot. But that’s all they knew. I hadn’t mentioned anything else, although this wasn’t my first time being quizzed on it. I supposed Nick had a pretty good idea, since Carmen would’ve told him. Apparently he’d kept his mouth shut concerning the others.

“No, I haven’t.”

“Didn’t she apologize?”

I nodded.

“And you won’t even think about trying to…”

“Is the bad boy of Backstreet turning into a romantic?” I raised an eyebrow, smiling slightly.

“I just don’t see why you don’t try.”

“AJ,” I smiled, “is there nothing else to talk about these days besides August and me?”

“She made you happy,” AJ said.

I thought about the words I’d read on her computer screen. The way she’d misled me.

“Did I look happy when I stormed out of their apartment?”

AJ shook his head. “Not then, but in general. You were happy. Don’t even try to deny it.”

“Well, I’m happy now, too,” I said, deciding this conversation had already gone further than I wanted it to. I didn’t want to dwell on the past. I was ready to move on. To get some sleep. To not think about her. If everyone would stop bringing her up, maybe I would be able to do that.

“No, you’re not,” AJ said.

“Um, that’s funny. A smile keeps appearing on my face. Call my crazy, but…” I trailed off, grabbing the remote and wondering whether I should turn the DVD player back on.

“That’s not the same as being happy. You think you can fool me? The five of us have been stuck together for years now!” he laughed.

I didn’t answer.

“Seriously, man. I’m supposed to be the one screwing up relationships.”

“I refuse to let my heart get broken again. That’s just being smart.”

“You act like this is some sort of preemptive strike.”

I balled up my fists. I wasn’t going to get upset. I wasn’t going to get pulled into this discussion on anything but my own terms. “You mean getting out before I made the same mistake as last time? I don’t understand what the problem is.”

“That’s the problem,” AJ answered. “You keep acting like you’re doing this so you won’t have to go through having your heart broken a second time, but it’s already happened. And you can’t hide it, as much as you’re trying.”

I shook my head. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

There was only one way that- having my heartbroken- was possible…

“You love her, Rok,” AJ said matter-of-factly, “and somewhere in that thick head of yours, you know it.”

I was breathing harder now, mad at myself for reacting to his comments. “She lied to me. She was writing articles about me…”

“And you love her anyway,” he said.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

By now, the pre-show routine had fallen into a good rhythm. We could get dressed and in our places rather quickly. Any kinks we’d had the first few nights live had long since resolved themselves.

Luckily, Kevin had come looking for AJ, which had forced our conversation to a close. I was trying to avoid him at the moment, though I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay mad at him. The fans would notice. A lot of our arguments within the group worked themselves out on stage. And we were too much like brothers to hold any sort of grudge for long, anyway. But I had a few more minutes to be angry, even if I was well aware that he hadn’t actually done anything wrong in the first place. I had become a pro at functioning on the little amount of sleep I was getting, at being able to clear my head despite everything I was feeling. But tonight, it was more difficult than usual.

And you love her anyway.

“Hey, guys! We came to wish you good luck!” I heard Diana tell Howie. “I can’t believe you guys found us front row.”

“We, I know someone in the band…” Nick joked, walking up to the two of them.

I turned around to get connected to the cables for the opening sequence. Carmen was standing there, on her way to say hi to Nick.

“Hey,” I managed.

She looked at me but didn’t answer.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“If you must know, I’m pissed off at you at the moment.”

“What’d I do?” I asked.

She crossed her arms, deciding whether or not to let me have it. The answer was yes. “August was offered a job at the paper she was interning at, which would’ve practically guaranteed her a job once she graduated. She’s been working towards that for years, but no! She had to turn it down because all she can think of is you. I can’t get her to see that you aren’t nearly as great as she, for some reason, thinks. So my best friend is at home throwing away her dreams for someone who doesn’t even care! I mean, what was it? Five minutes you were upset about your fight? Or did you decide she was worth ten? I know you have a lot of baggage from that other chick or… whatever. I don’t really care about any crap that’s in your past. If you honestly think that she would ever purposefully do anything to hurt you, or ever publish anything about you, then you are the absolute dumbest person on the entire planet. And…”

“Okay, Carmen, I think that about covers it,” Diana put a hand on her shoulder.

Nick and Howie were standing there with their mouths open.

“Let’s go find our seats,” Diana continued. “Er… good luck, guys! Have a great show!”

Luckily, we needed to start the show. There wasn’t time for anyone to say anything to me. For me to fully process what Carmen had hurled at me. The show started and I focused on the smiling faces in the crowd. I focused on my vocals. I waved and said my “hellos.”

We ended one song and the music started for the next. Nick began singing his verse. I noticed that he seemed to be singing to someone in particular. I followed his gaze and saw Carmen. Glancing back at Howie, I saw that he was staring at Diana. They were front row, standing and cheering with the rest of the fans. Looks of contentment were evident on their faces.

Without thinking, I looked to the seat next to Carmen, expecting to see August there. I only saw someone I didn’t recognize. August is supposed to be there. The thought struck me suddenly. My mind started swirling.

Although loneliness has always been a friend of my mine

I’m leaving my life in your hands

People say I’m crazy and that I am blind

Risking it all in a glance

But how you got me blind is still a mystery

I can’t get you out of my head

Don’t care what is written in your history

As long as you’re here with me

I thought about the first time I saw August. There was just something different about her from the start. She’d stood out to me. I hadn’t been looking for anyone, I hadn’t wanted to find anyone, but…

I realized just in time that it was my turn to sing.

Every little thing that you have said and done

Feels like its deep within me

Doesn’t really matter if you’re on the run

As long as you’re here with me

I could remember the smallest, seemingly insignificant details. The first time August had laughed. The phone conversations. Her weaseling Natasha off of AJ’s couch. I smiled, putting my heart into the song.

I’ve tried to hide it so that no one knows

But I guess it shows

When you look into my eyes

What you did and where you’re coming from

I don’t care, as long as you love me, baby

Huh. The words circled around in my head. But you love her anyway.

I don’t care who you are, where you’re from, what you did

As long as you love me