I arrived safely back home Monday afternoon. There were no messages from Alex. I didn’t expect there to be, but it still hurt. I didn’t understand how a man who was so adamant about us belonging together was just going to let me walk out of his life; especially after everything we’d been through together. How special he was to me and how much he had helped me overcome my grief and move on to another relationship. I wanted to drive back to his house and yell that at him, to shake him until something in his brain clicked and he realized what a moron he was being. But I didn’t. I had made it clear when I walked away that it’d be for good, and he’d made it even clearer about that when he didn’t try to stop me.

Dianna was in my kitchen when I arrived home and after checking on Daisy, making up some coffee and taking a shower and changing into some fresh clothes, we settled on the sofa in the family room. I relayed my tale about our disagreements and his behavior, going back over everything that had transpired from the night she told me the news about the baby up until that morning. She listened wordlessly, letting me just get everything out, sipping her coffee and giving a nod, or a sympathetic touch when it seemed needed. I appreciated that she didn’t lecture me for not going to her earlier and seemed to be taking everything in stride.

Finally, after finishing my exhausting account, she spoke her thoughts, “That cop is right; he sounds like he’s scared.”

“Well, it freaks me out too, somewhat, but you don’t see me pushing him away and just letting what we have go down the drain.”

“Everyone is different, Morgan,” she pulled her legs up onto the sofa and tucked them beneath her, “he may not be handling the situation the right way, or in a way you like, but that’s just who he is.”

“So every time we have some kind of…issue, this is how he’s going to behave?”

Her caramel eyes watched me. “Have you stopped to think about why he’s scared, or what he’s freaking out about?”

“Do we even know that that’s what this is?”

“No, but that’s what it seems to be all signs are pointing to.”

I sighed. “Alright, so let’s say he’s freaking out about us….why? It’s not like I can just go up and ask him, because every time I try to get close, or delve into what’s bothering him, he puts a wall up.”

“Maybe he’s afraid you’ll think badly of him, or he’ll tell you something that will make you run.”

“What could he possibly tell me that will make me run? I already know about his drinking problems, I know about his past drug use, I know about his career.”

She chuckled. “Maybe he’s a serial killer.”

“Dianna,” I frowned, “I’m being serious here.”

She cleared her throat. “Right, sorry. Okay, so …well, maybe it has something to do with his parents. You said his dad left him when he was really little, right?”

I nodded.

She shrugged. “Well, everyone is a product of their environment. And, obviously, he’s had a pretty rough childhood, so maybe he has preconceived ideas that the same thing will happen to him.”

“He thinks he’s going to walk out on me and leave me with a child?” I lifted my brows.

“Or, he’s worried you’ll walk out on him.” Our eyes met and I felt a shiver run down my spine at that thought.

“I’m not going to just leave him.”

“I know that,” Dianna reached and took my hand, giving it a comforting squeeze, “but coming from a guy who watched his dad walk out of his life, and only want back in when he became famous, can you blame him for thinking the same thing might happen to him?”

I fell silent, looking down into my mug of creamy, brown liquid. “So, what do I do?” I questioned in a soft voice.

She gave a little sigh. “You’re not going to like it.”

I lifted my gaze and met hers. “What?”

“You need to talk to him.”

She was right; I didn’t like it. “Go to him, again?” I frowned at that thought. “I’m tired of being the one to keep on keeping on. If he wants to salvage what we have, it’s his turn to come to me.”

“Morgan, honey, you don’t get it.”

I frowned even more, crease lines appearing in my forehead. “Get what?”

“Honey, rather he realizes it or not, he’s sort of testing you. If you just let it go, then he’s going to think he was right, that it wouldn’t have worked out and that you two don’t belong together.”

“How? He’s the one that drove me away. It wasn’t like we were married and I just up and left.”

“I know that, but I doubt he is rationalizing those thoughts right now.” She leaned to the coffee table and set her mug onto a coaster, before settling back into the couch again. “If you go back to him, refuse to let him give up on this, on you, then he’s going to see that you are willing to fight for everything you have. And the more he pushes, the more you push right back.” She watched me with a concerned look. “You need to fight for this, fight for him. Show him that nothing is going to cause you to leave. He probably doesn’t even realize why he does this, but you have to be the one to show him that he’s not going to get away with it.”

Her words made sense, but did I have the strength and energy it was going to take to make him see all that? “I… I don’t know, Dianna. It just…it sounds exhausting. I mean, what if it keeps going on like this back and forth. I don’t know if I have that much tenacity to keep at it, over and over and around and around the merry-go-round.”

“Oh Morgan,” she touched my arm, “nothing worthwhile in life is ever easy.”

“What if he doesn’t let me? What if he… he keeps rebelling, so to say? What if he…cheats on me or something? I can’t degrade myself and keep going back to a man who does not want me.”

She watched me a moment before speaking, “What do you want?”

I left my head fall back against the couch. “I want everything to be okay again; where it was easy and fun and simple.”

“Then you have to do this. You have to push through hard times to get to those sweet places. There’s nothing as wonderful as the rainbow after the storm, Morgan. You know that.”

I did. And deep down, I knew that I wanted to do this, but it wasn’t making admitting it any easier.

“And if it helps, just remember how he fought for you. How he didn’t let you push him away and climb back into your dark corner. It’s your turn, hon. It’s time to pull him outta his.”

~*~*~*~*~

I needed to take a few days to think over mine and Dianna’s conversation. She really was right. He had fought hard for me. I had tried to push him away, to block him out and stay in my dark little corner. But he’d torn open the windows and shed light throughout the room, and it had lit me inside. I didn’t want our relationship to end; I knew that Alex was the one for me and if we went our separate ways, there wouldn’t be anyone else. So, I would have to buck it up and put my foot down. I just hoped it wouldn’t backfire in my face and ruin everything.

The perfect time came Thursday evening. I found out at work that I had won the Hawaii trip. Unfortunately, Anna had lost to Dixon, by one house. She was excited for me though, told me to take Alex and go have a great time on the beautiful island. We were supposed to leave the following weekend and as I drove away from the office, I wondered if I should ask Anna to come, because who knows how things would be between myself and Alex. We hadn’t talked since Sunday, and every time I thought about going over to speak to him, my stomach would tighten and my pulse would start racing.

Dianna tried to coax me and I would keep telling her that I needed to just think about it. This wasn’t a decision to make lightly. But as I steered my Saturn down the congested freeway, I found myself wanting to tell Alex about my win and how disappointed I was that Anna hadn’t gotten the other ticket. Instead, I would be joined by Dixon, who lately has been alright, but he wasn’t Anna. I wanted to tell him about Dianna’s baby and how she slowly seemed to be coming around to the idea of being a mother, I wanted to tell him how Daisy was missing Bernie something awful and I wanted to ask how his dog was doing with his fight against cancer.

I just wanted to be with him, to see his face and touch him, to wrap myself in his arms and never let go. And maybe that was why, instead of taking the turnoff for my home, I wound up passing it and taking the one for Alex’s. I really wasn’t fully aware of my actions until I was in his driveway, staring up at his massive home and kicking myself for allowing my subconscious to take over and lead me here. I had two choices; I could turn around and pretend this didn’t happen, or I could confront it face to face.

I chose the second and soon was on his porch, listening to the bell echo on the other side of the door.

Denise opened it a moment later and her eyes lit up. “Morgan!”

I felt my stomach dip and fiddled nervously with the edge of my blouse. “Um, hi, Denise.”

She glanced behind her then stepped out onto the porch, wrapping me in a hug. “How are you? Oh gosh, I’ve missed you.”

I felt myself smiling at that, returning the hug then pulling back. “I’m alright, how are you?”

“I’m doing good. I’m so glad you’re here, I was afraid I wouldn’t get to see you again before I left.”

“When do you leave?”

“On Saturday.”

Wow, two weeks had really flown by. “Gosh, it feels like you just got here.”

“I know.” She squeezed my arm then grew serious. “Are you here to see Alex?”

I peeked towards the partially closed door then back to her. “Is he um… is he here?”

She nodded. “And he’s in a great mood.” She blinked some realizing how that sounded considering we had been broken up only a few days now. “Bernie got his latest test results and they can’t find any signs of cancer anywhere.”

“Really?” I couldn’t help the grin that spread on my face, then I was hugging her again. “That’s great!”

She laughed. “It’s wonderful! Alex was so afraid it had spread because he’s seemed so depressed and lethargic, but the vet says the cancer is gone and he seems perfectly healthy.”

I had a feeling his behavior had to do with my dog, because she was acting the same way, almost. “Well, maybe he’ll snap out of it soon. He probably is just so used to feeling ill that it’s going to take a little bit before he realizes he’s not.”

She chuckled. “Let’s hope so.”

I smiled again and squeezed her arm then looked towards the door. “So um, where is he?”

Denise motioned me to go on in. “He’s in the backyard. Go ahead; you two definitely need to talk. My son can be one of the most stubborn and bullheaded people I know and I apologize for that. He really needs someone who will cut through all his crap and put their foot down. He’s so used to getting his way that sometimes it’s hard for him to accept when he doesn’t.”

I almost chuckled at that, but didn’t. Instead, I stepped into the house and looked back to her. “I’m going to try, Denise, but no promises.”

“I understand.” She joined me inside, closing the door behind her. “Doesn’t mean I won’t have my fingers crossed, now go.”

I thanked her again then made my way through his house and into the breakfast area, stopping at the double doors leading into the backyard. I could see Alex with his dogs, tossing a toy bone to them both, Ozzie being the only one that seemed interested. He’d bark then race to where it had landed and bring it back, eager to go after it again. Bernie would just watch the throw then look to Ozzie all expectantly. I pouted at that, knowing that had I brought Daisy, the older dog would become just as animated as the other.

Alex looked relaxed and in good spirits and my heart dipped at just the sight of him. Butterflies were racing in my stomach and I had to force myself from turning and slipping away. No, I had to do this, I had to reach down deep inside myself and find that courage I needed to walk out there and confront the man I loved. It wouldn’t be so bad; I just had to remember that he had fought for me. I could do the same; I could do this.

With that in mind, I pulled the door open and stepped outside.

Ozzie spotted me first, his little legs bouncing him before he came barreling at me. Bernie was right behind him, his long tail wagging as he raced over the grass and headed in my direction.

I felt my heartstrings tug as both dogs seemed excited to see me. Crouching down, I spent a moment greeting each one, petting and loving on them, avoiding Alex’s gaze and knowing he was watching us. Bernie sniffed at me and moved around me, nudging me with his nose and I smoothed my hand down his back, telling him I was sorry that Daisy wasn’t with me.

After a moment, they both seemed content with their greetings then ambled back towards their master. That’s when I rose to my feet and lifted my eyes to his, feeling a sharpness slice through my chest as our gazes locked and those expressive eyes pierced my soul.

I let out a breath, not realizing I was holding one, and debated on rather or not to move closer. But my fear won out and I stayed rooted in place.

“Wha…um…what are you doing here?” Alex finally broke the silence and my heart leapt at the sound of his voice.

I rubbed my hands on my pants, hoping I could find my voice. “Denise told me about Bernie; that’s wonderful.”

A small grin tugged at the handsome man’s lips. “It is,” he hesitated, “thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

We watched each other for a moment, before he spoke again, “So, um…what’s going on?”

“Um…I…we…we need to talk,” I managed out, feeling the knots in my stomach tightening even more than they already were.

Alex shoved his hands in his pockets and gave a nod. “Alright.”

I wet my bottom lip, trying to decide how to begin this conversation. Slowly, or quick… like pulling off a band-aid. Finally, I just dove in, “Are you afraid that if we do get married, I’m going to just leave one day?”

He blinked then his eyes darkened as my words registered. “Of course not.”

“You’re acting like it.”

“How am I acting like it?”

“You’re pushing me away. You’re doing everything in your willpower to drive me as far away from you as you possibly can. I thought you wanted us to be together. You wanted us to be a couple. You were the one who said we belonged together; that it was fate.”

He blinked at my barrage of words then quickly recovered. “I do want us to be together.”

I snorted and folded my arms over my chest. “You sure have a funny way of showing it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know damn well what it means, Alex.” I found my anger heating up and tried to put a lid on it. “You’ve done nothing to try and make this relationship work. All you’ve succeeded in doing is driving it further apart.”

“That isn’t fair-”

“Fair?” I cut him off and lifted a brow. “I’ll tell you what’s not fair; you won’t talk to me about your dad, you won’t talk to me about what you’re afraid of, you won’t tell me why you’ve suddenly done a 180 and are acting like a completely different person!” My voice was rising, but I didn’t care.

“Is that what this is about? My father?” He spat the words at me, matching my stance with his own.

“It’s not about your father, it’s about you!” I wanted to shove him into the pool and hope the cold water would help him realize that. “I feel like I’m the only one fighting for this relationship. If it were up to you, it’d go to hell in a hand basket and you would probably care less.”

“Why are you painting me as a heartless bastard?”

“Because you’re acting like one!”

“You have no idea what I’m going through, what I’ve been through.”

If I could have reached him, I probably would have shaken him at that comment. “Because you won’t let me, Alex. You won’t tell me what is going on, or what happened in the past. You are hiding it from me and using it as a shield to drive us apart. You preach that you don’t want that to happen, but your actions are speaking a hell of a lot louder than your words. If I hadn’t come over here today, we probably would have never talked again.”

He didn’t respond and I knew I had been right. Tears stung my eyes at that thought and I blinked them away.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” I continued. “You’re too stubborn for your own good and you refuse to let me help you, you refuse to let your walls down and let me in. Are you afraid that it’ll show you as weak and vulnerable? Like you can’t take care of yourself?”

“I can take care of myself just fine.”

I sighed and raked my fingers through my hair. It was like talking to a brick wall; I wasn’t getting anywhere. “You know what, Alex, Dianna told me to come over here. She told me to fight for you, to fight for us. To put my foot down and not let you continue to pull this shit with our relationship. But I don’t think I can do that,” I shook my head, fighting to control my voice, “I can’t fight for something that you don’t want or that you aren’t ready for. You have to battle your own demons, because I can’t do it for you.”

“I don’t expect you to “battle my demons”.” He used finger quotes, frowning at what I was suggesting.

“No, you most certainly do not,” my words were soft, all the fight gone from them.

“Morgan…” He sighed and took a step towards me.

“No,” I drew back, shaking my head. “I can’t do this, Alex. I can’t keep trying to hold our relationship together only to have you pulling it apart. You say you want it, but I don’t know if you really do.”

“Morgan, baby,” he drew closer, reaching for me, “you know how I feel about you.”

I took a step back, knowing once his scent enveloped me, I might fall right into his arms. “I know how I feel. I know that you have a lot of thinking to do. I know that it’s scary as hell, but you can’t get to the good times if you don’t go through the bad. And I know that if you don’t get your act together, don’t work out your issues, you’re going to lose the best damn thing that has happened to you. So stop with the pity party, get your head out of your ass and take the leap of faith, because contrary to what you think, I will be there for you.”

He stopped in his place, his eyes searching my face. “It’s not that easy.”

“Like hell it isn’t.” I tilted my head. “Remember what you told me a long time ago; that first night I stayed at your place after our date to Catalina Island?”

“I told you a lot of things.”

“Yes, but that night after you kissed me that first time.” Tears welled into my eyes and this time I didn’t bothering forcing them away. “You.. you told me you can’t cling to your anger or pain because they take up all your energy. You told me the past is the past and we can’t change it. We have to live for today and live for ourselves. And sometimes, it hurts more to hold onto something then to let it go. Can’t you see what that’s doing to you? To us?” I motioned between us with my hand, the tears now sliding down my cheeks. “If you really, truly believe in us then you have to let it go. And if you can’t let it go for you, please, let it go for me.”

He sighed and looked away, unable to keep my gaze.

I shook my head. “You’ve done so much for me, Alex. You…you’ve brought me back to a place I thought I would never be again. But I don’t know what to say to you, or do to help you. You won’t let me help you.” I knew my next words were going to break my heart all over again and a lump formed in my throat, “I just have to let you go. I hope you’re happy and I hope you know that you’ll never have with anyone else what you had with me.” I hesitated only a fraction of a second. “Goodbye, Alex.” Then I turned and hurried away before he could call me back or I could change my mind.

I knew Dianna wasn’t going to be happy, but sometimes, holding on hurt more than letting go.