I’m horrible in a crisis. Heh, I’m sure the others have said that by now in their journals. I’m sure they’ve complained all about me. Useless Kayleigh… I hear them muttering it a lot, when they think I can’t hear. Even I after I learned how to shoot cause of that damn psycho, Riley. That still wasn’t enough. Oh, no. They keep wanting me to be like this super zombie fighter, or lifter, or cooker.
I’m not!
I never chose to survive into this hellhole. I’m doing my best. They need to leave me alone. At least Howie understands. He defends me a lot when the others get upset with what I tell them, or my saying no.
I don’t know how to be what they’re asking of me. Before this, I expected to go to college, marry my dream boy, be loved and pampered, and have a few kids. That’s what I wanted out of life. It was simple, it was lovely, and it’s what I dreamed of above all.
It’s not my fault my dream got shattered, and I got thrown into this nightmare.
They say they all lost people. That’s true, but they’re not me. We all deal with loss differently, don’t we? I’m not going to be what they want me to be, and they need to learn to deal with it.
At least I’m not alone in being attacked. Howie is, too. Howie is on my side.
Better than being alone, I suppose.
Not that it helps me deal any better. It’s still hard.
I still struggle.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Week Two
Kayleigh sat there, away from the others. She felt like such an outsider anymore. A wall had come between them. It was Howie and her versus everyone else. There had been a silent division amongst the group since the last time a fight had broken out. While everyone was making an effort to keep another from happening, the tension was clearly there and clearly felt. She could see everyone creating mini-cliques within their small “family,” as Gretchen said they should think of themselves. Family? No. She’d had her sorority sisters as family, and her real family, and lost them both. She had no family anymore.
It was a feeling she’d never experienced before, and to be quite honest, she didn’t like it one bit. She felt isolated, misunderstood, hated even. It didn’t matter whether it was true or not, though she believed it was. What mattered was how it affected her. It wasn’t helping her adjust; all it made her do was yearn for the world before. The world she had thrived on even with the war, the world that had shone upon her and promised her that life would always go her way. In the end, such a place didn’t exist anymore. It was almost like she’d lost yet another person she cared about – that was how it felt. An old friend she didn’t know existed, or something.
She glanced up when one of the several conversations caught her attention. She saw Howie and Kevin debating back and forth, not too far from where Riley, Nick, and Gabby were playing with Spunky together. And they got on her for not doing anything useful… well, playing with a dog wasn’t exactly useful, in her opinion. It was all the same, wasn’t it?
“Maybe if you listened to me, Kevin…”
“You never listen to anyone; what would you know about listening? I’ve listened, taken your suggestions into consideration, but I don’t agree that what you think we should do is best for the group, and you need to accept that.”
“I don’t see why you need to be-”
“Someone has to lead, and because of my military training, I know the most about survival in tough conditions.”
Howie was attempting to talk to Kevin, yet again, about his ideas for fortifying the church against the zombies and keeping it their stronghold. Kevin, it seemed, had other ideas; however, he hadn’t disclosed them all to the group just yet. That annoyed Kayleigh just a bit because, in all honesty, they should know exactly what he thought the group should be doing. Also, she agreed with Howie: in the end, why should they leave the church when they could keep making it stronger?
“Kevin, look, why don’t you just-”
“Shut it, Howie – god, you’d get us all killed in about ten seconds flat, and that’d be on a good day for you. Let Kevin be – he, at least, can keep us alive, and he, ya know, actually knows what he’s doing.”
Kayleigh rolled her eyes as she glanced back at her least favorite person among them. “Did anyone ask you, Riley? No, didn’t think so.”
“No one asked the balding Barbie either, yet here we are.”
She felt herself freeze the moment she heard the response. Her hand unconsciously touched the spot on her head where the zombie had yanked out the now lost chunk of hair. It was starting to grow back, slowly, but the patch still felt desperately exposed to her groping fingers. “Ugh! You’re such a bitch! Just like you said. You know, I bet your family’s glad they’re undead; I know I would be if the other option was being related to you.”
At that, the other woman almost lunged. Nick, having grabbed her arm, was actually what stopped her. “Enough. C’mon, Rye, you’re better than that, picking fights and alla-that.” She sat down once more, looking furious. He looked over in Kayleigh’s direction; the look wasn’t the friendly one he usually gave.
Like she cared what Nick thought?
Shockingly enough, Riley did, in fact, let it go and went back to playing with Gabby and Spunky. Jo watched with a small smile at her daughter, as she talked with Gretchen some feet away. Gretchen seemed okay, so far. Best out of them, not that that said much. Brian was next to her, but he really wasn’t saying much. What words he did say, at the moment, seemed to be towards AJ.
“So you think he’s still alive?” Jo was asking Gretchen, as they tried to tidy up the multipurpose room of the church a bit.
“I do. He was studying the virus under like a Hazmat suit, he said, so maybe he was protected. Maybe they were finding a way to fight it. I just hope he won’t worry, ‘cause when I left, I couldn’t leave a note and didn’t know where I was going. But he’ll find me…”
Her gaze shifted back to Howie and Kevin, who were still going back and forth. So much so, they hadn’t even noticed the other confrontation. Kevin sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. He looked tired. See, if he let Howie help, he wouldn’t be so tired, Kayleigh mused.
“Alright, we need to start doing something. The sooner we get the base clear, the sooner we can make homes for ourselves. That’s part of the problem; we’re starting to get a form of cabin fever in here,” Kevin spoke up, addressing the whole group now. “Nick, Kayleigh, and Brian, I want you guys to take the Hummer and do a base run, clearing out any spots you can. Jo, you and I will see if we can’t try out guard duty of the church. AJ, I want you on sniper duty on the roof of the church, like we talked about.”
AJ smirked as he stood and stretched. “Up on the rooftop, sniper-AJ Claus, I’m just never gonna pause… I’ve got my gun all ready to go, aim at those zombies and watch the heads blow…”
Brian raised a brow at him. “Random.”
A simple shrug was the only reply.
Howie stared at Kevin, when it became obvious he wasn’t getting an assignment yet again. “What about me? I should be-”
“He can go instead of me.”
“I didn’t ask you, Howie; I asked Kayleigh.”
“What about Riley? Or Gretchen?”
Kevin rolled his eyes, while she smirked. That was what happened when you didn’t explain the reasoning behind your decisions, and Kayleigh felt no real guilt for pestering or even trying to get out of her assigned duty. The others were giving her various versions of the same look of irritation, with the exception of Howie, who had the look, but was directing it at their leader. She tapped her foot, waiting for an answer.
“Riley is staying because I need someone who I know can handle fighting well without a gun if they get past me and Jo, staying in the church as a final backup to ensure survival. She’s better hand to hand than with a gun. Nick was telling me how they escaped, and Riley can handle it with Nick’s axe. Gretchen is preparing dinner and needs more than one field session before I want her out there. Howie needs more work.” This earned a dirty look from the former businessman. “And Gabby…” he added on, seeing the teenager about to pipe up about how she wasn’t going to laze around. That was what she always said, trying to make a point about Kayleigh, which annoyed her to no end. The brat was no more useful than the others claimed she was. “…she’s too young. You’re going with Nick and Brian and doing your part. Besides…” Here he paused with what Kayleigh could clearly see was a patronizing smile. “You could use the field practice, especially after you’ve had several runs on the skeet range.”
Gabby looked like she was about to argue this point, but actually decided not to, focusing back on the golden retriever, who seemed to sense her annoyance and lick her face appreciatively. Brian nodded at Kevin. “Makes sense. I’ll go grab the weapons.” He walked to the pile they kept by the altar, where AJ was already going through them to pick his zombie-slaying weapon of choice.
Nick looked at Riley with a smirk. “Don’t mistake anyone for a zombie this time, if they make it in. Remember, zombies are the dead people.”
“Try not to sing ‘Thriller’ as you hunt them down. You’re turning the song into overkill. Try singing ‘Another One Bites The Dust’ instead – keeps the hunting songs fresh.”
“You know, ‘Down with the Sickness’ is a good one for it, too!” AJ called out.
“You could just sing ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ and maybe throw them off their game,” joked Brian, as he came back with the weaponry.
Nick shook his head playfully, giving a look of sympathy towards Brian. “Now man, that’d be more of a punishment to me.”
Sighing, Kayleigh went and took one of the smallest handguns they had from Brian. He gave her a tentative smile that she decided to ignore, as she sulked about her current assignment. She had just learned how to shoot, so wasn’t that enough? It wasn’t like she was any good or anything. In fact, her shooting lesson had completely tanked, and she knew it. They all knew it; it was one of the many complaints about her.
Not that she cared.
Honestly.
***
“Will you at least shoot something?” Nick asked as he slammed his foot on the gas pedal, jerking them all forward and causing him to hit his head against the roof of the Hummer. Grumbling, he rubbed it irritably.
“I’m trying!”
“Ow! Hey Nick, warn us next time,” Brian muttered, as he was thrust against his own seatbelt. “Let’s just get out and scope the area, see if any are lurking.”
“Sorry.” He climbed out, his gun ready to go as he glanced about cautiously. Brian followed suit, while Kayleigh stayed in the car. There was no way she was willing to go out and actually look for those things. It was bad enough when they found them by accident. That was why she didn’t want to do this. This was a mistake. She wasn’t going to try, and she’d lie about it if someone pestered her. The drive had felt long and arduous, and the entire time, while Nick drove and Brian fired off consistent shots at any ghoul that was spotted, Kayleigh had simply watched.
“Get out of the car.”
“No, it’s bad enough I have to handle a gun. I’m here with you, but I am not going out hunting for those things.”
“Damn it, Kayleigh, I…”
“Let me talk to her.”
“Alright.” Nick walked a few feet away, scoping the area for any sign of the undead. She heard a blast and turned her head in time to see another member of the walking dead slump to the ground. He looked like he was taking all his frustrations out on the undead. Something AJ kept telling her to do, because she knew everyone else thought she was the problem.
Brian opened the door calmly and leaned in. “Hey.”
“Hi.”
“Look, I know this isn’t easy, but we do need you to help us do this. Don’t you want an area that’s zombie free? It ain’t pleasant, but it’s better than having them burst in on us at any moment.”
“I didn’t even want to come.”
“I know, but here’s a benefit: once we get the base clear, we’ll probably be able to live outside of the church, get some space from each other,” he pointed out, giving her a knowing look. “You’re not the only one here who wants that. Trust me.”
She paused, taking it in. Brian had a point: at least if she helped, as much as the thought grated her, they’d eventually be able to move out of the church. She’d be able to get away from Kevin, from AJ, from Riley. Then she could do as she pleased and not be under scrutiny all the time, which was forever driving her up the wall. The thought had its appeal, she supposed. Then again, she was sick of the others trying to force her into all this when, again, all she wanted was to be left alone.
“Alright, I guess.” Holding her gun with a death grip, she stepped out of the car and followed him back to Nick.
“No one hates you. Just so you know,” he told her, as she and Brian approached him.
“I never said-”
“I’m good at reading people, and none of us do. We just need you; that’s why we get mad. Even Rye.”
At the last part, she had to bite her tongue. Anyone could see he and Riley were close friends already, and she wasn’t up for a battle over what she really thought of the other woman.
Moans could be heard in the not too far distance. She shivered instinctively. Brian smiled at her; it was a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, however. In the short time he’d been with the group, she had noticed most of his smiles didn’t. Not that she could blame him, really. They saw the first ghouls approaching them just beyond the gates, as they strolled towards the tennis courts. Kayleigh looked down to see her hands shaking. She tried to keep them steady as her eyes found the targets.
I can’t do this. I can’t do this.
Why not? You’ve killed zombies before.
I can’t do this. I…
Kayleigh Shane Jackson, are you really going to be as weak as everyone says you are?
BANG!
Startled, she glanced down at her gun as a zombie fell, a direct hit to the skull. So she had done it. Yet she wasn’t sure how she felt about it. Happy? Not so much. Sad? Not that either. It was a muddled feeling. She wasn’t sure what to make of it, really, as Nick gave her a friendly smile once more.
The moans had ceased, and corpses littered the area some feet away. She looked at Nick. He stared at her for several moments, as if he was thinking of saying something. Yet, it seemed like he wasn’t really thinking at all…
Then the friendly blue eyes rolled to the back of his head, and he collapsed towards the pavement. A haunting scream roared from his throat as he fell. Brian dove to catch him, barely doing so before his head slammed against the ground. Kayleigh went to help, but Brian shook his head. “Keep an eye out for any other zombies!” he commanded, as he gently lowered Nick to the ground.
“Nick? Brian what’s going on?”
“I don’t know, but-”
Before Brian could finish, Nick’s body went into violent convulsions. Kayleigh watched in horror, as his body twitched and contracted in ways it shouldn’t, in ways that were so familiar to her, ways that brought back horrifying memories of what had happened at the college, the events that had brought her here. He continued to twitch and contract, and Brian glanced up at her, looking as disturbed as she knew she had to look. He tossed her the keys that had fallen out of Nick’s pocket. Nick’s body rose and fell, as it rigidly jerked on the ground. She caught a glimpse of his face and shuddered: his eyelids were half open, showing the whites of his eyes, and his mouth not quite closed.
“Go get Jo!”
“But I- I can’t, I… oh my God, what if he caught the virus? What if we get it? I can’t…”
“KAYLEIGH!”
“I… just… I…”
“We don’t have time for this! Just go get Jo! I’ll stay here with Nick and fend any visitors off.”
Kayleigh ran for the Hummer without another word. Despite herself, tears had sprung in her eyes. She wasn’t close to Nick, but she just couldn’t handle this. She couldn’t handle seeing anyone else die. She couldn’t handle the idea of the virus striking yet again, when she thought things could maybe get better. It didn’t matter who the virus was after now: it couldn’t have anyone else. Too many had died.
She hopped in the vehicle and slammed the door, stuffing the key into the ignition. She gave a small wave to Brian, who was leaning over a now still and unconscious Nick. The scene was disturbing and haunting as it replayed in her head. The minutes felt like a lifetime.
Her foot slammed down on the gas pedal, and she raced for the church.
