Life.
Death.
I used to crave death once. I’d challenge it and beckon it to come at me so I could make it my bitch before I let it take me to abyss I thought I wanted so badly. I would do anything to escape the world and life I despised once. And then the world ended. Then I met the others.
Funny how a fucking apocalypse can change your outlook on everything.
I have a sense of friends, a sense of family. Stuff I didn’t have before, with the exception of my mom, really. She’s the one person I still miss. It’s also amazing how shit like that, shit I never considered important, is what changed my view on all that. Maybe I didn’t consider it so damn vital cause in my eyes I never had it till now. Drugs solving things, my ass. Fuck you, undead therapists! All I needed was people to give me a chance. It’s done a lot more than those pills.
Of course, as soon as I stop wanting death, that’s when it comes my way. When I finally begin to appreciate the life I’ve been given, and no longer want to throw it away… that’s when death finally receives all my old challenges. That’s when it beckons me, hearing my call far too late.
So fucking typical.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Week Eleven
“You’re worried about your boy, aren’t you?” AJ asked Riley, as Kevin drove the ambulance outside the base. They’d thought perhaps the cage idea would work just as well outside the base and help keep the base itself clear of any nearby zombies wanting to roam inside. AJ and Riley were camped out in the back, taking pot shots at the corpses that followed. While AJ’s hit the mark, hers were missing more than usual. It almost amused him; a lot amused him these days, though.
“I am not.”
The main hunting group had split up, for a change. Nick and Brian had driven off to one side of town and had been given the additional help of Howie, since theirs was supposed to be “light” hunting. AJ, Riley, and Kevin went to the other side, intending to hunt more and stay out longer. Nick’s and Brian’s excursion was yet another search for people. As they’d had no luck with the previous searches, they thought perhaps spreading themselves out might garner them more luck after over a month of nothing. Still, from the looks of it, the separation was making Riley more anxious than normal. AJ hummed to himself as he shot random zombies from the back of the vehicle, the doors open so he could take down the marks. They were also supposed to try and seek out ghouls to kill, to clear out as much as possible, making their trip a hunting search and rescue, so to speak.
“You are too; hey, I’m glad someone’s getting some.”
“AJ! Oh my god, you’re impossible. We’re nothing close to that yet.”
“Key word being yet, honey bunch.”
“It’s not like we’ll tell you if we get there.”
He shrugged, lining up his shot carefully. “Won’t need you to; guys know that shit. The signs are clearer than the purple spots of the Osiris Virus. Hey, pop the CD in the player for me, Kev.”
Riley rolled her eyes as she leaned out the back to fire a few times herself. “You’re getting as bad as him, you know.”
“He must be doing something right.” AJ grinned as he took down another member of the undead. “HA! Gotta do better than moan and shuffle, you cocksuckers!”
“At least you’re not singing Thriller all the time,” Kevin remarked, as they pulled into a seemingly empty park. Riley helped Kevin unload the kennel, while AJ climbed on top of the ambulance to get a better shot on any zombies that got too close before they set up.
The young woman smiled to herself. “It’s weird, but that’s becoming my favorite song. But do not tell him that; I’ll never hear the end of it.”
“Step right up and get your brain blasted! That’s right, fresh living meat here, ready to blast your ass into oblivion. Best me and get the prize! Braaaaaaaains!” AJ yelled, waving his gun around in hopes of attracting some undead while waiting. While he succeeded, it wasn’t a big enough of a horde to satisfy him, as he took them down quickly, making them fall like rotting ducks in a row. He grinned satisfactorily, adjusting his shades.
Once they had the rope swung over the branch, AJ jumped down and walked over with a broad grin on his face. He knew that he enjoyed this too much, but at the same time, he couldn’t help it. This made him feel useful, gave him something to focus on and the ability to fight the depression before it could sink in. It connected him to a positive reality, as twisted as he knew that would sound if he ever said it aloud. He always knew he’d find his niche in the world, but what he hadn’t guessed was that it would take an apocalypse to make that happen.
Was I really that fucked up?
“Cage me, baby! Lock me up! AJ’s been a naughty motherfucker!”
Riley laughed as she and Kevin secured him inside. Once the kennel was securely latched, AJ gripped the bars like he was in jail. He actually did know what that was like; he’d done a few stints for petty theft during some of his poorer eras. However, jail was never this much fun. The other two forcibly pulled him up and above the zombies’ reach. AJ snickered to himself, as they went to climb their own tree posts, not too far away. He adjusted his sunglasses, reloaded his gun, and gazed down below. “Yooo-hoo…here, zombies, zombies, zombies…”
“You’re insane!” he heard Riley yell.
“Come on, fuckers! It’s chow time! Hey Kevin, next time we do this, I need a bell. Or a triangle.”
Slowly they came, as if they truly were following AJ’s summons. He grinned as he saw them below. Aiming carefully, he fired off the rounds, yawning a bit. He needed a new thrill. As the world ended, adrenaline had become his new addiction, helping him replace the drugs and at least ignore his urges for the bliss of alcohol. AJ did wish they’d stumble onto other people, despite his obvious cynicism that it wouldn’t happen. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to find others; he did, badly. It was just that the part of him that always had to stay with the cruelty reality provided wouldn’t let him believe it without solid proof.
They had yet to find any.
AJ let his voice carry to the zombies hopelessly reaching for him from below. There was no real conscious thought to their actions. They were mindlessly groping for him, their prey, kept just out of reach in order to keep them there. Around them was a pile of fallen bodies, evidence of how much work had been done in such a seemingly short time. His eyes skipped around, spotting Kevin sitting comfortably against the bark of another tree. One would think Kevin was watching a sports game or something, given his ease in that position.
While he reloaded his gun, a song came to him. It wasn’t even remotely fitting to the situation. He calmly wiped his brow, adjusting his beloved sunglasses, and glanced down below, to the reanimated audience that was waiting there for him, eagerly hoping for his arrival. His smooth voice was bold and strong as it carried over the chorus of moans. “If I can see it… then I can do it… if I just believe it… there’s nothing to it…”
A series of shots rang out, striking the incoming dead down. AJ focused on the inner circle just below him. He could have done this all day if someone managed to feed him through the case somehow. “I believe I can fly…”
A new sound came to his ears, loud, sharp and close, but he couldn’t recognize the source. “I believe I can touch the sky…”
BANG-CRACK!
The kennel jerked, causing AJ to turn almost wildly, even though he couldn’t see anything through the other side. Even if he could, he couldn’t turn well enough to do so.
Have those rotting pieces of shit found a way to reach me? He shook the thought away. That was impossible. A squirrel could have rattled it. Or a bird, for all he knew. He shifted, ready to take aim again. The kennel jerked a second time, forcibly, thrusting him forward and slamming his head into the bars.
“What in the flying squirrel’s left nut?!”
CRACK!
Suddenly, the kennel wasn’t jerking anymore. This time, it was falling. AJ suddenly felt the ridiculous urge to pray to the God he didn’t believe in. He could hear Riley’s screams, as he plummeted to the ground. What took only moments felt like years, as his life flashed before his eyes. It didn’t take long; his life had been a series of experiments and outsider experiences. The fall wasn’t going to be what killed him; that he knew.
It would be the zombies.
He was going to be that piece of candy he’d drop on anthills as a kid. They’d swarm him, reach for him, and devour him alive. The same exact way they had done to Spunky, only two and a half weeks before. He would know hell as they slowly ate him. He could fight, and fight he would, to bring as many as he could down with him. Still, the end would be the same. AJ only wondered if he’d be eaten fully or turned into one of them.
The kennel crashed onto the ground, ceasing his train of thought. He was thrown against the back of the kennel, and by pure luck, the door didn’t burst open. His head slammed the top, and he grunted in pain, as he rolled along the ground like a discarded toy.
“AJ!” he could hear Kevin bellow, as he attempted to regain his senses.
He was surrounded, and he was trapped, in a mess of still corpses and still-reaching decomposing arms trying to get their latest meal out of its lunchbox. He breathed slowly, taking in his current situation, as he did a quick self-assessment. He was bruised; he was shaken. He had not been bitten, they could not get in just yet, and no bones were broken. Positives. This was the first time in his life that the cool detachment his clinical depression gave him actually had a use. AJ could analyze everything, in a way he wouldn’t have been able to, had he not been so distant from his own emotions.
Zoning out on the yells coming from his two companions, AJ reached for his gun. He only had one option, really. He’d have to fight his way out. Shoot the closest ones and then hope he could blow his way out without any scratches or bites. It would require a miracle.
But already, he’d survived, against every odd around. Who said it couldn’t happen twice? The cynical voice that always rested within his mind said so, but this time, he ignored it. Listening to it would cost him his life, he knew. He loaded his weapon, hearing the click above all the moans. It felt final. Like it would be the last time he’d do this, or second to last, only to a suicide shot to the skull. Silly thoughts, ones he couldn’t afford to entertain, but they floated through his mind all the same. He reached his hand through the bars to quickly unlatch himself and pushed on the door. It wouldn’t open. He growled furiously.
“Fucker must’ve gotten warped when I fell.”
“AJ!” he could hear Kevin’s country-tinged voice cry. “We’re trying to get to you! Are you alright?” AJ knew the real questions behind that. Was he alive? Was he infected by the bite they all so feared?
“I’m fine! I’m just stuck in this goddamn cage!”
Shots resounded around him, and the thumps of bodies hitting the ground soon followed. AJ didn’t know where Riley and Kevin were. He didn’t know what their plan was. He knew they would try to help, that they would do everything they could to save him. Would that be enough? He gritted his teeth. It didn’t matter. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t rely on them getting to him before the ghouls did. Bracing himself, he slammed up against the cage door, forcing it open.
He rolled out onto the grassy floor. His nose was hit with the stench of decomposition, closer than ever, as he stared into the glassy, fogged eyes of an unmoving zombie. The bullet that marked its head could be clearly seen. Jerking, he jumped to his feet and shoved his way through the bodies, shooting what he could. Without aim, the shots were off-course and random. He ceased fire, afraid of a random bullet striking his two companions. AJ shoved against the horde, trying to have as little physical contact as possible.
He was forcing his way through. The gun had become a weapon in a new form, a way to bash biting heads aside before they could sink their teeth in. The sound of gunfire grew closer, and finally, AJ felt the first spark of hope that he could possibly get out alive.
It was that moment of distraction that the animated corpses needed.
A pair of teeth dove into the inked flesh of his arm, ripping into his wrist. AJ roared in pain, tore his arm away, and fired off a round to its skull, as quick as lightening. The sharp reflexes were unable to save him. His mind registered that fact as he finally escaped the mob, pushing past Riley and Kevin, who were trying to force their way through it. A mess of scattered bodies lay behind them, an undead game of fifty-two pick up.
“AJ!”
He ignored them.
“AJ!”
AJ said nothing as he retreated into the vehicle with a slam of the door. What did it matter? He knew his future. His only choice. Life had nothing else to offer. Life itself was just a joke once more. Not that any of it counted. Nope. All that was left was the hope that he’d be able to muster enough courage to do what he must. He was a dead man walking.
His last decision would be to prevent that from becoming more than just a metaphor.
***
AJ stuffed his hands in his pockets as he walked inside the church. Kevin knew he’d been bitten, as did Riley, and Jo, from having to treat the wound earlier. But Kevin had felt the need to inform everyone else before he did the deed.
He felt so self-conscious about the bite. He glanced at it once more as he pulled his hand from his pocket. It was a perfect half moon, red and raw. Already, bruises appeared around it, along with a slight tinge AJ assumed had to be from infection. He sighed. There was no denying it. He’d gotten the kiss of death that day, or bite of death, to be more accurate.
He thought of a line of poetry then, suddenly missing the books of poems he’d left behind at the Center. Two roads diverged in a wood… Both lead to death for him now.
Everyone was waiting for him in the chapel when he walked in. He glanced around; it felt weird now, being in there, after living in an actual house for a month. Kayleigh and Howie weren’t the best roommates at times, but they weren’t as bad as he had expected either – more so Howie than Kayleigh. Brian was watching him cautiously from the pew closest to the door, Gretchen at his side. Beside them were Nick and Riley; those two were standing, Nick’s arms around Riley, as she kept her eyes away from him. Further down was Howie, giving Kayleigh a look as she cried into a handkerchief, unable to remain composed. Gabby sat there, saying nothing, staring at the floor, as Jo wrung her hands nervously beside her. At the end, by the altar, where shattered glass still littered the floor from the attack that seemed suddenly like years ago, stood Kevin. His jade eyes were clouded, swirling with a mixture of emotions AJ knew was his fault.
They were silent as he walked down the aisle. He took another long look at his wrist and a deep breath to regain his own composure. AJ knew he had to steady himself. He didn’t fear death. He used to be suicidal and beckon for it. He only feared becoming one of them. That was why suicide, that act that had once been considered so wrong, was now his only way out. It truly was the best option now. It felt so ironic.
“We’re meeting ‘cause I fucked up.”
“AJ-” Kevin started.
“No, dude, really. I got my ass bit.” He held up his wrist now, to let everyone see. “So this is… Well, Kevin wanted me to do this, before I go and splatter my brains up against the wall. It fucking sucks, but I ain’t becoming one of those mind-craving shitheads.”
“You can’t kill yourself!” Brian suddenly cried, rising up from his pew. “How do you know you’ll turn?”
Jo turned, giving Brian a look. Although things had settled down, there were still tense moments between them. It looked like Jo had forgiven, but had not quite forgotten. Or vice versa; AJ wasn’t exactly sure. But ever since Brian’s outburst that had shocked them all two months before, the two rarely agreed on anything. Almost out of spite, it seemed to AJ.
“I saw what happened to those who got bitten. The infection hit them faster than anything else. They changed quick…” She paused, obviously bothered, but then said what AJ knew she would say. “You’ll need to do it soon. It’s for the good of… of us all…”
Nick stared at Jo. “But have you seen anyone who was immune to the Osiris Virus actually get bitten? How do we know a bite will even affect us?”
Gretchen nodded, watching AJ with cautious eyes. “I can’t see why a bite would infect us, when the virus itself couldn’t.”
“We survived, for God knows why, but how do we even know we’re immune to it completely? It could’ve just been a strong resistance that can’t fight a direct infection. I saw what this did to people in the hospitals…” Riley replied, pulling gently away from Nick. “…I hate saying this, but if he doesn’t do it, he could end up killing us all.”
Nick stared at her, shocked at her reply, before turning to Kevin. AJ simply watched him, the optimist who always had to believe in the best. When he couldn’t, that was when he got lost. “Kevin, you’re not going to let AJ do it… are you?”
Their leader looked downward with a gentle nod. “I have to think about our best chance for survival. I saw what happens to those who have been bitten, too.”
“But you don’t know it’ll happen to AJ, too!” Kayleigh screamed, her face red and blotchy from her tears. AJ suddenly felt guilty for making her so upset. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt responsible for her lately.
The business man stared at her. “But he could kill us all.”
“But he may not!” Brian piped up again. “This is ridiculous. It’s bad enough we have to kill all those things that were once human beings. At least they’re already dead. I am not about to approve of AJ killing himself for what may happen!”
“Exactly! What he said.”
“And if he does turn? He could start killing people easily as we slept, Nick.”
“I don’t wanna see AJ kill himself!” Gabby cried. “I’ve seen too many die already!”
“Gabby, we don’t want him to do it… but he has no choice.”
“Yes, he does!”
“Brian!”
“Well, he’s right. He does. We could wait and see…”
“Fine idea. Good to know we’ll find out who’s right as Zombie AJ tries to eat our brains for breakfast and liver for lunch. Maybe he can even have spleen for supper.”
“The sarcasm ain’t necessary, Rye!”
“Well, you want to pretend it’ll all be okay, when it likely won’t be…” Her tone was softer now, as she turned toward Nick, lost within the squabbles that had broken out between the group.
AJ stood there, almost forgotten. “Yo!” The fighting continued. He placed his forefinger and thumb in his mouth, giving a piercing whistle. Everyone silenced as they stared at him. “Fuck, let’s vote on this shit then,” he said, with a roll of his eyes.
Kevin nodded. “All for having AJ handle this himself.”
Five hands rose. Riley, Howie, Kevin, AJ, and Jo all voted for him to do the deed himself. AJ wanted to groan. He already knew how this vote was going to go.
“All for waiting it out to see what happens.”
He glanced around, nodding at his own suspicions. Brian, Nick, Kayleigh, Gretchen, and Gabby voted against him. “And now what? It’s a tie.”
Brian stared him down, their eyes meeting silently in almost an understanding. “We can strap you down, make sure that even if you did turn, you couldn’t get to us. If you did, one of us could… do it.”
His cousin pondered this, rubbing his chin. “We can use the ambulance, and lock you in, too. In case you break free.”
“I guess that could work…”
“Then we can wait and see what happens.”
“Better than killing him straight off…”
They all walked outside, heading to where the ambulance waited. Once there, Kevin opened the back doors, stepping aside so that AJ could get in. He lay down on the stretcher, as Nick helped Kevin strap him down. He smirked at them, knowing the others were within earshot outside the vehicle.
“Well, on the bright side, I was always into bondage. Anyone wanna find me an undead hooker for when I turn?”
Nick chuckled, tightening his bonds. “Don’t worry. I don’t think you’ll turn, man.”
“Why not?”
A simple shrug. “Just a hunch.”
Once he was fastened down, they both climbed out. Even though he couldn’t lift his head up far to see them, AJ could feel their stares upon him. The silence was almost enough to drive him crazy. It was tense-filled and awkward.
Kevin nodded. “We’ll check on you in the morning.”
The doors shut, and AJ was left within the darkness.
