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I’m not sure why or how I ever began feeling attracted to Nick but one thing I was sure of was that he felt the same way. It was becoming very obvious to me that every time we were together something was different. It was like I felt a spark every time he walked in the room. I would catch his eye and I just couldn’t help not looking away. From the very first day I met Nick I knew we had a special connection but I could never put my finger on it. Now after all this time I was starting to realize that maybe it was there all along. Maybe what I felt for Nick was always more than friendship and I never wanted to pursue it because what he and I had was far to special to ruin with a relationship. But I also knew that it was getting harder and harder to deny that something was changing between Nick and I and it wouldn’t be long until we couldn’t avoid it any more.

That day ended up coming sooner than I had thought. I had just got home from a long day at work and I knew that AJ had plans for the night with some buddies so I had decided that I was going to have some quality “me time” and relax with a nice bath and curl up the couch. But my plans quickly changed when none other than Nick Carter arrived at my door only minutes after I had got home. I wasn’t too surprised to see him since he had just stopped by before but when he asked if we could talk I knew something was up. It wasn’t like Nick to want to voluntarily have a talk unless you forced it out of him so naturally I was worried something was wrong. He must have noticed the concern on my face because he quickly assured me everything was okay, for the most part. I didn’t have time to question him because the next thing I knew he was kissing me. At first I tried to push him away but his grasp on me was too tight and I couldn’t help but myself when I suddenly starting to melt into the kiss. I felt something spark inside me that I had never felt before. Not even with AJ. And then it hit me! I pushed Nick away as hard as I could and put my hand up to my lips. They tingled in a way I had never felt before and I could hear my heart beating fast in my ears. I was feeling such a rush when reality started to sink in; that as good as it felt kissing Nick, I couldn’t do that to AJ.

I loved AJ, I really did. But in that moment I was finding it harder and harder to think about him when I had Nick standing in front of me pulling me in with his eyes. As soon as words came back to me a quickly asked Nick what he was doing. He seemed just as torn as I did but that didn’t stop him from revealing how he felt about me. To hear the words coming from him made it so much more real. We stumbled through our words trying to make sense of what was happening between us but no real good explanation could be found. All we knew was that there was an undeniable attraction that had probably being building for a long time and in that moment we couldn’t stop the feelings we had for one another.

When I woke up the next morning lying beside Nick a rush of emotions ran through me. I was happy to see that he was still there and I liked the feeling of waking up beside him. The night before, we couldn’t hold back any longer and Nick and I ended up sleeping together. As much as I hated what I had done to AJ, in that moment I can’t say I regretted what we had done. I had never experienced anything in my life like what I had with Nick that night. And it turns out he felt the same way too because it was next to impossible to imagine him leaving that day knowing I might never be with again. But he assured me he didn’t want it to end either; he wanted to be with me. There was just one problem that stood in our way - Alex. Nick had already broken up with Chrissie but Alex was a whole other story. We had been friends for so long, had been together as a couple for almost two years and on top of all that, my biggest fear was that this would him hurt enough to make him relapse and I did not want to be responsible for that. I also knew that I was going to hurt AJ enough by telling him that I cheated on him period. But when he found out that it was with Nick, I had no idea how he would react. And then I feared for the group again. How were they ever going to be able to work together again with this hanging between them? Just when I was starting to realize the extent of what I had done, what Nick and I had done, I was suddenly faced with the consequences of my actions the moment I heard AJ pounding at my door.

Nick had called AJ that morning after he left to tell him about everything that had happened and it wasn’t long before AJ arrived at my place. I was surprised when I opened the door and found AJ with tears streaming down his face. In all honesty, I think it would have been so much easier if he had stormed through door waving his hands around and screaming at me because then I would have gotten what I deserved. But instead he stood there completely calm with the exception of the tears that poured down his face. He looked utterly devastated and I couldn’t stop myself from breaking down with him. For a long time we sat in silence just crying in each others arms until he finally whispered “Why”? I truly didn’t know why. I tried to explain everything as best as I could, considering I was still trying to wrap my brain around it myself. He was hurt and angry and I didn’t blame him when he told me he didn’t want to speak to me for a while until he figured things out. I was actually surprised he didn’t tell me to just fuck off. So I gave him the space he and I both needed. I only talked to Nick once to tell him that I needed space from him too until I figured things out with AJ and that we would figure things out between us afterwards. He seemed a little disappointed but understood. He and AJ had a lot to work out too before anything would be right again.

The next few weeks were torture for me while I waited to hear from AJ. I felt horrible about what had happened and I was desperately hoping he would forgive me. It was almost three weeks before I finally heard from him again. He told me that he had thought a lot about everything and had spoken to Nick already and as much as it hurt him, if Nick was going to make me happy then he was okay with it. I knew he really wasn’t okay with it but that was AJ for you, he cared about me so much that he was willing to put my happiness before his. I asked to see him, for which he reluctantly agreed. We spent the next few weeks trying to mend our broken friendship. I knew how hard it was for me so I couldn’t even begin to imagine what Alex was feeling. I had made the decision to not see Nick until I was sure AJ and I had mended our bridges. My friendship with AJ meant so much to me at the time that I couldn’t even think about starting something with Nick unless I knew that AJ was going to be okay. About 3 months later I finally got the reassurance I needed when AJ told me he had started seeing someone else. I was happy for him that he was moving on with his life but I still couldn’t deny that it hurt a little knowing that I was never going to be that girl in his life anymore, even though we assured each other we were still going to be good friends.