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It had been almost six months since Nick and I had hooked up and although we spoke every once in a while I was beginning to wonder if he still felt the same way I did. I knew that there was something between Nick and I and I was ready to find out exactly what that was. I was content that AJ had moved on and that we were in a good place in our friendship again. He had assured me that he and Nick worked things out too and that I shouldn’t keep Nick waiting any more. I took his advice and let Nick know we needed to figure things out. So on August 10, 2004 Nick Carter and I went out on our first date. I think it really was a long time coming because from that day on we were inseparable. It was like we literally picked up right where we left off and it felt like no time had ever gone by. I always said I knew that there was something between Nick and I from the first day I met him but it wasn’t until we were finally able to be together with no strings attached that I realized exactly what it was between us. It was love. There’s just something about Nick that draws me to him. I can be whoever I want to be with him and he always loves me just the way I am. There’s no pressure and I’m never unsure. It comes so easily for us and in some ways I think we were always meant to be together, it just took us some time figure it out.

So you’re probably still wondering why I would think my life is so hard to deal with everyday right? Well as most of you probably know, in the summer of 2005 the Backstreet Boys returned from their much needed break and released the album Never Gone. It came at a good time for everyone and I saw that little sparkle in all their eyes return when it came time to embark on another world tour. Brian and Leighanne had welcomed Baylee into their lives and into our “Backstreet Family”. Howie and Leigh were discussing the idea of getting married soon and Kevin and Kristen were talking about having a family of their own. Nick and I had been going strong for almost a year and AJ had been dating trying to “get back in the game” as he liked to say. Everyone was ecstatic to be starting the next journey together but it wasn’t quite so easy for me.

Nick and I had always managed to stay friends while he had toured in the past but we had never been a couple back then either. Alex and I somehow made it work but we strived off of the up and down rollercoaster a tour brings. Nick and I were doing really good together and I was worried that the tour might be our first bump in the road. But as always Nick managed to convince me that we would make it work, so there we were flying back and forth to see each other whenever we could, and racking up a pretty hefty phone bill in the process. Everything seemed to be going well until suddenly people started to recognize my face and questions were being asked as to who I was. It’s not uncommon for fans to follow the guys around to the hotel and of course there are always groups of girls waiting at the venues when the buses pull up so I knew it would only be a matter of time before they started asking who I was. I mean, I spent enough time on the tour and I was sure I was starting end up in a few photos, but I really wasn’t prepared for what was about to be thrown at me next.

The fans had obviously grown up over time and were starting to realize that the guys were just normal people with normal lives. And eventually they came to accept Leighanne, Kristen and Leigh but now here I was a new face in the group and I was dating Nick, who just happened to be one of the more loved Backstreet Boys. Needless to say it wasn’t exactly a warm reception. Automatically I was labeled for dating a Backstreet Boy. I was called a slut and bitch and pretty much every other nasty word you could label a girl. I didn’t understand how these girls could be so mean to me when they didn’t even know who I was! They assumed that since I was dating a Backstreet Boy all I wanted was his money or I was with him so I could be famous and launch my own career. Did anybody ever stop to think that maybe I was with him because I loved him?

I tried to not let it get to me. I kept telling myself that they didn’t know me. They didn’t know our history or how we got together. And then I had to remind myself that we didn’t exactly get together in the best way. But that didn’t change the fact they had no right to judge me. And after a while it started to take a toll on my relationship with Nick. I started to second guess myself and wonder if I really was good enough for him. And the next thing I knew I was starting to pull away from him. I don’t know if it was really because of what the fans were saying or if we were just in a point in our relationship where I naturally started to question our future. It took a lot of convincing but Nick finally made me believe that he loved me no matter what anyone else said and that he wasn’t going anywhere. He proved this to me by asking me to marry him on national television in front of a lot of fans. I was flabbergasted. I seriously did not see it coming considering Nick was sort of like the poster child for anti-marriage campaigns. I had never really thought about marriage too much myself so when he asked me to join him and the guys on stage so they could sign me happy birthday and instead found him down on one knee with a ring box in hand my jaw dropped. I think you could almost hear a pin drop as everyone went silent. There was no denying that I loved Nick and I knew we were meant to be together so the answer came naturally as the word “Yes” slipped out of my lips. I had never felt so happy in my entire life and I couldn’t help but cry when AJ walked up to me, gave me the warmest hug and whispered “I’m so happy for you, congratulations”.

After that I think the fans started to realize that I wasn’t going anywhere and they began to warm up to me more. It helped that Leighanne, Leigh and Kristen were there to support me and encourage the fans to let me in a little. But everyday is tough. I wake up to an amazing fiancée, whenever he’s not on tour being a superstar, I live in an amazing house, have a job that I love and friends that support me with everything I do. But being engaged to a pop star isn’t easy. It hard being away from Nick all the time. We constantly have to re-evaluate our relationship to make sure we’re on the page. And everyday it’s hard being judged by those fans who just don’t want to believe that I really do make Nick happy. Its also hard knowing that my friendship with the guys is always changing. AJ and I have to work really hard to keep in touch and stay close. There will always be resentment and hurt between us. And sometimes I wonder if the same thing could happen to Nick and I. I never meant to hurt AJ and I really never saw anything happening between Nick and I. I am so grateful that it did because I ended up with the love of my life but I also worry that I might end up hurting Nick one day just like I did AJ. I am trying so hard to make sure that doesn’t happen.