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Author's Chapter Notes:
Yes...I know...it's been forEVER, since I updated this. But, I think I have my writing spark back, so you will likely see more in the near future. I hope you guys are still interested in this. Thanks, by the way, for all the feedback everyone has left, on the past chapters...they are much appreciated!
They say things get easier, with time…that your sorrow and pain will fade…that the sun still shines…that time heals all wounds. I don’t know exactly who came up with these statements, but I’m calling their bluff. They only say this stuff, because they want to make you feel better, and give you some kind of comfort or hope. Well, it doesn’t work. You can tell me this crap, all you want; say it until your face turns blue…and I still won’t buy it.

It was a shitty, rainy day, in Kentucky. It’s been eleven days, since the accident and thank god the weather was finally reflecting the way I truly felt…shitty. It took every ounce, of energy, to get out of bed, this morning. My head was throbbing, from all the crying I had done, last night. My heart was aching, like never before, as I stepped out of the hotel and into the shitty weather.

Flipping the black umbrella open, I made my way to the sleek black rental car, trying not to think of where I was headed. It didn’t work. The whole way, I fought back my tears, as they blurred my vision, making the road even less visible. I took my time driving, but couldn’t delay the event any longer, as I pulled up, in front of the building. With a long sigh, I slipped out of the car, and back into the rain.

Stalling for even a few more moments, I smoothed down my all black suit. I ran my hands over the slacks, then the shirt, before straightening the black tie and buttoning the suit jacket. My hands shook, as I popped the umbrella back open. With shaking knees, I began the long walk, to the large front glass doors. This would surely be the longest day, of my life.

I was greeted by more open arms, than I really cared to deal with, and so many words that were meant to be comforting, but did absolutely nothing, for me. The place was packed…damn near shoulder, to shoulder. So many faces and only a few that I couldn’t place. I imagined they were from Leighanne’s family, or distant relatives, of Brian’s, that I had never met.

My breathing was far from normal, when I saw AJ and Howie headed toward me. Their faces matched mine…desperate, sad, hurting, and hopeless. Without a word, their arms surrounded me, soon joined by Kevin’s. The four of us just stood there, trying to offer each other strength, until it was time to sit down.

We made our way to the front, along with Brian’s other immediate family. I heavily took my front row seat, next to Baylee, unable to bring my eyes up to the screen that flashed pictures of Brian. I knew that they covered every stage, of his life, beginning to tragic end. No doubt, I was in more than a few, of them. Blinking away the tears that welled in my eyes, I felt Baylee lean into my side. Instinctively, I wrapped my arm around his shoulders, not caring how much his tears would soak my jacket.

My eyes finally lifted, as the preacher cleared his throat. There was no stopping it now…my eyes drifted and locked on that dreaded screen. I couldn’t tear them away, no matter how much it shattered my heart to see his smiling face, in only the 2D form. The sniffles and sobs were continuous, in every direction, filling the room with a sound that was worse than nails on a chalk board. And so it began…

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul; he leadeth me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; they rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou annointest my head with oil; my cup runnth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. And shall we pray…”

My heart was in my throat, as Baylee’s arms clung to me and my arm stayed secure around him. A few tears were starting to trail down my cheeks, as the boy next to me shook uncontrollably. This was really it. In only a short time, I would be making my way to that closed casket, to say my good-bye’s to my very best friend…as my little buddy would be saying his own tearful good-bye’s to his father. My eyes closed tightly, not because it was time to pray, but because I couldn’t bear to look at my surroundings. Soft music played in the background, as the prayer penetrated through my ears. No matter how hard I tried to ignore it, the words were clear and rang loud.

“Dear Lord, we are gathered here to honor the memory of Brian Thomas Littrell. We know that he is with you in spirit, as he is no longer with us, in human form. Our Father, we ask you to be with us, on this day. To offer us comfort. To help dry the tears that are being shed. Give strength, to us, in this time of loss, dear Lord. Help us to rejoice in the reunion of a son, with his heavenly Father. Allow us to celebrate the time we had, while he was with us, and to look forward to the day we shall see him again, in your presence. May we exalt you, and your mercy that allows Brian to be with you, today. Help us to keep him dear, in our hearts, as we continue this worldly life, without him. We thank you for your loving grace, and for your everlasting love. Amen.”

Thank him for his loving grace? Maybe it was wrong, of me, to be thinking the way I was, but I was not about to thank God for much of anything, at that moment. I didn’t want to exalt him, for any reason. Sure, I still had the other guys, my family, my health, Baylee…the list could go on, of all the things I had to be thankful for, but yet they were all shoved to the back of my mind, as the grief took over my entire existence. The pain was, once again, threatening to cut of my breathing and completely stop my heart, from beating. How a person could live through this kind of torturous pain, was a mystery, to me. Sure I had lost family, in the past, but no one as close to me, as Brian was. This was a whole new level of pain…one that I could not bear to ever experience again.

I tuned out the man, as he continued to quote scriptures, and talk about the passage from this life, into heaven. I really just didn’t want to hear it. This was another prime example; of things that people say; in an effort to make you feel better…give you a new outlook. It wasn’t working…not even a little bit. Perhaps it’s because I wasn’t ready or willing to let go of the pain and look at it in any other light. My grieving was far from over, and a simple little sermon was not going to make the process speed up.

My eyes focused on the picture screen again, as the uttered words became a faint noise, in the back of my mind. Suddenly, I found myself seeing mini home movies, in my head. Memories of years past and times I had shared with Brian were flashing in my mind. I was reliving the hours we spent on the basketball court, our first concert as a group, our first tour, the video games we played, sharing a hotel room…

It wasn’t until the floor was opened, for anyone to come up and say a few words, that I finally came back to reality. My arm was still holding Baylee and tears were streaking down our cheeks. I hadn’t even realized that mine had broken loose, until that very moment, but there was no stopping them now.

My teeth pulled at my bottom lip, as several family members came up to talk sweet words about Brian. They spoke of his kind and caring nature…how his laugh could brighten a room…how he was a good man, with strong morals. To me, I was slightly disappointed. No one was bringing up his fun loving personality or his crazy antics. My heart tugged me to my feet. My palms became sweaty and my breathing a bit shallow, as I found my body taking the few steps, to the front. Not that I should have been surprised, but Baylee was right beside me, holding tightly, to my hand. I took a quick glance at him, before clearing my throat.

“For those of you…who uh…don’t know me. My name…is Nick. Brian was…my…very best…friend.” I had to pause. My lungs cried for a deep breath that I just could not take, as the tears continued down my cheeks. “Brian…he was…a goofball. You could never…catch him…in a sour mood. I’ve known…I knew…him…for years. He was a…a prankster…the fun loving type that…that would do anything…to make…even his worst enemy…laugh.” My teeth found my bottom lip again, as my eyes closed. This was so much harder, than I ever expected. I was a grown man who was crying like a baby, and couldn’t even speak right. The words that I wanted, so badly, to say…just…they wouldn’t come out. Shocking me back to the moment, I felt a small hand reach up and take the microphone, from mine.

“Hi.” That simple word was more of a strangled sniffle, as Baylee struggled to talk. I couldn’t help but kneel down and bring him into my arms, as he stood facing the mass of fellow mourners. “My dad…was so cool.” Looking around, I saw a few faint smiles, as the little grieving boy made everyone’s heart melt…including mine. “I’m gonna miss my dad. There are lots of things that my dad…used to do…with me.” He voice dropped, for a moment, as he turned toward me. Our eyes locked and I could almost read his mind, as he held the microphone toward me.

“Bri and I…we spent…a lot of time…teaching the little man basketball.”

“We used to…play…all day…and they would both…take turns…lifting me up…so I could shoot the ball. I like basketball…my dad…my dad…liked…basketball…too.” His voice cracked, and my heart felt like it was bring twisted, in a cruel manner that was meant to make me suffer…and I was suffering.

“We…Brian…he was…trying to teach Baylee…layups…the week before…before…the uh…the accident.” My eyes closed tightly again, as I felt Baylee’s hand rest on my shoulder. I could kick myself, for ever getting out of my seat.

“My dad…he liked games, too. We used to…play…Mario Cart…and he always…let me win. He even let me…be Mario…cuz he is my…favorite. Then…one time…we were somewhere…far away…and we forgot to bring…the game so…dad and uncle Nick…went and rented it…from a store…”

“It was…Japan…I think.” I offered up the information, remembering the time. It resulted in a night filled with laughter and crazy attempts at repeating the Japanese words, since the game was obviously in that language.

“Yeah…and Mario talked different.” Baylee’s tears has almost stopped, and I could tell his mind was off, thinking about it and picturing the night in his mind…much as I was. “Dad started talking like Mario, but…he didn’t sound like Mario.”

“Brian was trying to impersonate the Japanese speaking characters. Naturally…Baylee and I joined in.” I found that my own tears had ceased…if only for a few moments, as we spoke about our memories. These were the things everyone should have been talking about, in the first place…happy memories, that Brian was a major part of…not that he had good morals.

“We played until it was way past my bedtime and we had so much fun. My tummy hurt cuz we laughed a whole bunch.” My eyes lifted from him, again, to scan the crowd. A few more faint smiles crept onto the lips throughout the room. Baylee had the same ability, as his father, to brighten a room, no matter how bad the situation was.

Baylee and I remained at the front, for quite some time, recounting silly events and happy memories. He uttered words that, I know, tugged on the hearts of everyone, in the room. By the time we returned to our seats, I felt as if my body was drained, of any energy that I had left. Once again, Baylee was in my arms, and our tears were starting to re-surface, as AJ stepped up next.
Chapter End Notes:
The scripture is Psalm 23, out of the New King James version, of the Holy Bible.