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I had been waiting for this day, for three whole fucking months. My eyes squinted as the brightness of the sun hit my face. It almost felt like I was being released from prison, I had spent long days in a small room, with no type of color, high on who knows what medications, listening to crazy bitches babble in the hallways. The worst part, was that some asshole security guard, had the tendency to enter my room, when I was dosed up on sleeping pills and fucked me at his pleasing. I know for a fact, I wasn’t the only one.

Towards my last days, killing the bastard had become my task in life, of course no one believes the crazy person, and I was always sedated. Meaning I always failed. These places don’t make you any better, if not they fuck you up more. Always stuffing unnecessary medication down your throat, making you spend your day with other loonies, that make you feel like one yourself. I’ll tell you right now, I’m not crazy. I was just in shock, losing someone…no, the only one that loved and accepted me the way I am, was a bitch.

The tears spilled as I saw Oscar, my older brother leaning against the outside gate. He had my dad’s smile, and it made me cringe internally as he directed it at me. “Look at you all pale!” he pulled me into his arms and I squeezed him tight. He was pretty much all I had left in my life, my older brother who lived out here in Bakersfield. He was doing my mom, the favor of picking me up and driving me out to Lexington, Oklahoma. If you have never heard of it…I don’t blame you.

“Hey!” I mumbled, trying to swallow down the knot lodged in my throat. Just, looking at my Mustang brought good and bad memories. Which made my stomach twist into a messy knot of emotions. I took a couple of deep breaths, I had made a promise to myself, that I would never…ever have to set foot into that place again. Crestwood Behavioral Health Center, which my loving mother had placed me in, after she found me half dead in my room. The doctors had diagnosed me with ‘post partum depression’ let me tell you that being in that horrible place, made me no better.

“I thought it was only fair, to bring you the car. After all, you did help dad rebuild it.” he gave me a playful shove and we both hopped into the car.

My eyes were darting everywhere, taking in the green of the trees, the narrow dirt road, the brightness of the sun, the blue skies and my brother who I hadn’t seen in so long. I filled my lungs with the fresh air, that didn’t smell like, must, vomit, piss or plain illness. It was fresh air, that I would be breathing for the days to come.

“Cheeseburger!” I blurted, and my brother grinned already knowing what I had in mind. I could already taste, a fat, juicy burger in my mouth…oh and fries, lots and lots of fries.

He let out a chuckle and smacked the back of my head “You don’t change do you…” the word change, gave me a pang in my stomach. Not much had changed about me, just the fact that I was more alert to my surroundings, I didn't trust anyone and I was ready to let everyone know, what only my dad knew about me. I was dying to tell Oscar first, but I wasn’t sure how he would take it. I didn’t need them to disown me once again. Having me locked up like a damn nutcase, was enough.
So instead I opted to enjoy an In and Out burger, with two orders of fries and a strawberry shake. With a light conversation of a sugar coated story about my stay at the, god awful center. I was happy to learn that I was due to be an aunt any day and my brother, was anxious for the day to come. I knew that him and his wife, had been trying for quite the while to have a baby, and finally he had hit the target.

He also informed me about my younger sister, Angie, who was already a junior in high school. Which made me realize that we would be attending the same school. I instantly knew there would be clashing with her. Angie was momma's little princess and I was the black sheep of the family. You can already imagine, who is going to win all the arguments here. Whatever!

My thing now, was to finish school, get this lousy senior year and graduation past me. Then move on and do my own thing. Of course, all that would happen, if I could survive living with my mother. Don't get me wrong, I...love the woman, but I don't think she loves me back, not anymore. Therefore, any conversation or interaction between us is very awkward and icy. I guess I can't blame her, I made a decision that hurt her, pretty bad. Even though, choosing to stay with my dad, at the time of the divorce was a no brainer. My dad had issues with himself, and I wasn't about to leave him alone, like they were doing.

Now, what I do know, is that my relationship with mom, is not gonna get any better, especially when I tell her something, she wont like. Therefore our relationship will only get worse, with the revealing of my big secret. Not only do I have to worry about her, but that damn small ass, close minded town. I'm gonna be calling home. Don't worry, you'll know my secret soon too.

You know, I'll just put those worries to the back of my head for now, I've got a shit load of hours ahead of me, before I reach my new home. Where I don't know a soul. I'll tell you the truth, I'm pretty scared and once Oscar is gone, I'll be lonely. I have to pep talk myself, because what I did learn from being in that hell hole, is that I can survive anything, and I will survive this year in Lexington, Oklahoma, in a different school, with different people and no dad. I'm going to get through this.