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That pep talk earlier? Yeah, it didn’t work, because I was sitting in the car with my brother, right in front of mom’s brown house. I could tell that, he knew it was going to be hard for me to stay. He had no idea, how much I wanted to slip out of the car and just run…run till my legs gave out on me. I was startled by a reassuring hand on my shoulder and a squeeze. “I know it’s going to be hard J, but there is no other solution to this.” he gave me a crooked smile, and I returned the gesture.

Oscar and I hadn’t always gotten along, we are only about three years apart, which would make him about twenty one. We constantly argued and hated each other with a passion, then he left home, once he turned eighteen. Mom had a cow about it and I found myself missing him. Although, I don’t blame him for getting the hell out. There was nothing, but arguments, screaming and smacking around in the house. Don’t get the idea that just my father did the smacking around, mom was just as bad as he was.

Speaking of mom, before I can even take a deep breath to prepare myself, she’s coming down the porch stairs, with Angie trailing behind her. Lucky Angie, has mom’s looks, AND she has turned into a…hum…I’ll have to come back with the word. Even with that, I’m definitely the black sheep, ugly duckling…bad seed of the family. Where is dad, when I need him for reassurance.

“Well you two, don’t just stand there. Come on out, I have dinner on the table.” mom had a big smile on her face, as if she had really been anticipating my arrival. Please! I had to give her credit, she didn’t look a day older than thirty five, I’m not lying. I guess, being away from dad, did everyone good. I’m the only one that looks like a fucking mess.

“Hey mom!” Oscar got out of the car, and rigidly gave mom a hug, I could feel the aloofness between them. Which tightened the knot of nerves I had earlier, in my stomach. If that was aloof, I could imagine the hug between us. If we even shared one, it would be just as bad.

She walked around the front, as I threw my backpack over my shoulders. She ran a finger over my cheek and gave me a smile “Look at you, you look pale. Have you been eating right?” she embraced me, catching me off guard. My hands remained to my side and I looked over at my brother, who gave me a shrug.

Everything after the ’hellos’ went by fast, we had a rather quiet dinner, I sadly said good bye to my brother and watched as my mother drove away, to drop him off at the airport. Angie hadn’t talked to me much, since I had arrived, and I wasn’t sure what the hell to say either. We walked up the stairs of the rather cozy house, it was much better than the stuffy apartment dad and I had been living in. Maybe because there was a woman’s touch in this house, there were little girly things here and there, pictures covered the walls. Surprisingly a couple of me, not as many as Angie, but I was there.

The silence was killing me, as we made way down the hallway “So, you’re a junior now?” I cursed myself, for being so creative with the conversation starter. There was so much more I could have asked or said. I missed you. How are things going? Do you have a boyfriend? The icebreakers were endless.

Of course she took her sweet time to answer me, she opened the door to the room and then turned around to look at me. Not a sign of welcoming-ness on her face. “Yes I am…and your going to be a senior. We are going to be going to the same school, but don’t you even think that you will get to tell everyone in school about your disgusting little secret.”

A hot rush, ran from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I was well aware of what she was talking about, but I couldn’t understand how the hell she knew about it. I had to play it off, “I don’t know what your talking about.” I gave her a shrug and pushed my way into the room. There was no way I would let her treat me the way she wanted, just because I was a simple visitor or better said…intruder in her house.

“Mom is going to ream you, just so you know. She was just being nice, because Oscar was here.” she turned on her heel and stormed to her room. I wasn’t going to worry about it, what was the worst that could happen. My beloved mother would close me up in the basement, feed me twice a day in a dog bowl, tell the towns people that I was abnormal and keep all the girls away from me.

I couldn’t help how I had turned out. Who I was. What I liked. It wasn’t my fault they had never put the pieces together. I flung the backpack into the corner and fell backwards onto the twin bed, which had a horrid baby blue comforter with stars and moons on it. I almost gagged at the sight. I stared up at the ceiling and wondered what the hell would happen to me this year. I didn't know what this year has in store for me, but I am hoping it is something good.

The past year had been the worst, first my parents separating, with the whole custody battle. My mom’s face, when I decided to stay with my dad. My dad’s nasty drug and alcohol abuse. The worst had been, hearing my dad, blow his brains out, in the room next to mine. Then to make matters worse, my mother had taken me to a doctor, that diagnosed me as…'slightly crazy', that’s what I labeled it. So…I was excluded from the world, nonexistent, on horrible meds and raped over and over.

Angie was right, when mom got back, she busted through my door and stood over me, with her hands on her hips. “Your counselor and the director had a conference call with me. They told me some of the things that you did in that place. I’m not even sure, that you should be out already Jordan.” she shook her head, as if she had been dealing with me for the past year.

“Well it’s not easy being put in a place with all crazy people…MOOOM! It kinda catches up to you at some point. Plus, you have no idea the shit, that goes on in those places.” there was no way, that I was going to inform her about them either. I would never tell anyone, about the hell I had lived there. She could think, say and do whatever she wanted. I really didn’t care at the time. My eyes were starting to close, the exhaustion was getting to me, and believe it or not, my body was asking for the meds. Meds, I don’t have, anymore.

"JORDAN DANIELLE MILLER! I can't believe that you would do something so repulsive. It's disgusting and I wont allow it in my house. I will not be the laughing stalk of the town. Just because you..." she covered her mouth, looking like she was going to hurl all over the room.

All my hope of her understanding me, was officially out the window. I sat up and looked at her, wishing with everything in me, that the person standing in front of me, was my dad. He had taken the news, pretty well. I had caught him by surprise, but at the end, he loved me...for me. I didn't want to be ashamed of myself, but around my mom, I felt itty bitty and if I wanted to live in peace, I would have to keep the secret between us. "Don't worry...I wont tell anyone, it will be our little secret, mom."

She let out a sigh of relief "Well I'm glad to hear that...there are plenty of boys here." I wanted to laugh in her face. I hate boys...men...males...dogs...whatever they are. I hate them.

"Yeah, I bet Angie knows a few, pretty well." I couldn't help myself, I had to come back with something. How was it that she was down my throat about this secret, but she wasn't telling her precious daughter, that her skirt gave the town a free cheek show, with every step she took.

This year definitely has something in store for me, but so far, it's not looking good.