“What about here?” I asked pointing to the picture on the screen of the laptop sat in front of me. She looked at it for a few seconds before screwing her nose up at it.
“Out in the open so the press could have a field day? Nick I want this to be about us, I don’t want pictures getting out, I don’t want to hear the constant clicking of a camera while I’m saying my vows,” she said going back to her laptop and clicking away.
“Then we are going to have to go underground or something,” I said exiting that webpage.
“Then maybe we shouldn’t bother,” she said closing her laptop and putting on the floor making me sigh.
“Don’t act like a two year old,” I said searching google.
“I’m not,” she replied, crossing her arms.
“If you were stood up you’d be stamping your feet.”
“No I wouldn’t.”
“You would,” I said looking to her out of the corner of my eye.
“Wouldn’t.”
“Would.”
“Wouldn’t.
“Would, would, would,” I said catching a hint of a smile from her.
“Wouldn’t, wouldn’t, wouldn’t,” she retaliated, laughing slightly when she did.
“We’ll find somewhere okay?” I said wrapping my arm around her.
“I just want it to be perfect,” she said resting against me.
“I know you do and it will be, were just going to have to be patient. Ow,” I said as I stupidly ran my hands through my hair, tugging on the stitches that were there.
“You okay?” She asked as she looked up to me.
“Just pulled on a stitch.”
“Is your head okay? Not hurting anymore?” She asked sitting up so she could look at me.
“It’s fine, hey what about here?” I said bringing up a bigger image.
“It’s beautiful, but it’s outside,” she said.
“But it’s a resort, paparazzi wouldn’t be able to get near to take pictures and we could hire security, it’s close by and it’s on the beach.”
“It does look nice, and it is us, no harm in looking I suppose,” she said smiling brightly.
……………………………….............................................................................................
“Stop right there,” Brian said as we both walked hand in hand into the studio where we were rehearsing. We both stopped and looked at him questioningly, he started looking at the floor stamping on it on various places. “Okay floor is sturdy, no spills, and your shoe laces are tied, I think we’re safe guys,” he joked making Nick stick his tongue out.
“You okay Dude?” Jay asked walking over, handing him a bottle of water.
“Peachy,” he replied taking the bottle.
“Good cause we are now two days behind because of your sorry ass, so you better be ready to work.”
“Yeah I know, I know.”
“Are we doing a full run through?” I asked as I put my bag down and picked up the guitar so I could tune it.
“Yep, hopefully we’ll make it through a full one this time,” Howie joked.
“Your never going to forget this are you?” Nick asked and they all replied in unison.
“No.”
Chapter forty Three
“Is Willow okay?” Leigh asked sitting down next to me in the green room, concern in her brown eyes.
“She’s fine,” I tried to lie.
“I wanted to tell her first, on her own but Howie said that probably wasn’t a good idea to single her out like that, it might seem like I was gloating or something.”
“What? She wouldn’t think that,” I said looking to her.
“I know I just feel a bit guilty,” she admitted.
“Leigh you shouldn’t feel guilty about having a baby, you should be happy,” I said nudging her shoulder.
“I am but I’m just worried about her, she’s been really quiet through dinner and I don’t know whether to go and talk to her or whether that would make it worse.”
“She’ll be fine, she just needs some time to get used to it,” I said smiling at her.
………………………………...............................................................................................
“There you are,” Howie said walking out through the door and I quickly tried to stub out the cigarette I was smoking so he wouldn’t see but I wasn’t quick enough and he frowned at me. “Where did you get that?” He asked.
“Do you really need to ask?”
“Alex?” he asked and I shook my head yes. “Are you ok?”
“Fine,” I lied.
“You seem quiet, anything you want to talk about,” he said sitting down on the ground next to me.
“Just a bit tired that’s all, I can’t party like I used to.”
“You sure that’s all it is?” he asked and I shook my head yes. “So its got nothing to do with Leigh being pregnant?” He asked and I just kept quiet.
It had everything to do with their announcement today. I was so jealous. Was that wrong to be jealous of two friends who deserved happiness? But didn’t I deserve to be happy as well? Would this news have even bothered me if I could still have kids or was it that viscous cycle where you knew you couldn’t have so it made you want it even more? “Willow,” he prodded when I didn’t answer him.
“Maybe a little. I guess I’m a bit jealous, god that sounds so pathetic,” I said turning away from him.
“No it doesn’t,” he said rubbing my arm.
“I’ll be fine, really I will I just need a bit of time that’s all. Can you do me a favour?” I asked.
“Anything.”
“Can you please forget that you saw that cigarette? Nick will throw an epi if he knows I had one.”
“Then you better take one of these,” he said handing me a packet of mints and I smiled a thanks to him.
………………………………..........................................................................................
She rolled over and sighed and I knew she was still awake.
“Are you awake?” I asked anyway.
“No,” she joked.
“You alright?” I asked as she found her way back to me in the darkness so she could rest her head on my chest.
“Is it wrong for me to be jealous?” She asked playing with my hand that I had wrapped in hers.
“No,” I answered.
“I am happy for them I really am. I’ve already spoken to Howie about it and I am going to speak to Leigh tomorrow.”
“I’ve spoken to her, she understands. You want to talk to me about it?” I asked kissing her head.
“Nothing you haven’t heard before. I just keep thinking whether I would feel like I had to have one, if I knew there wouldn’t be a problem. Would it have even bothered me?”
“I don’t think it would have been much of an issue but I think you would have started ragging on me to think about it,” I answered honestly.
“Well seeing as you bought it up would you still consider adopting?” She asked moving so she could lean on her elbow to look at me.
“Of course.”
“I don’t mean like right this instant, I want a bit of time just being married.”
“Well I wasn’t thinking right this second either baby, maybe a year or something?”
“Yeah that sounds good. I love you,” she said leaning down to kiss me.
“I love you too.”
Chapter Forty Four
“We really should be doing something productive,” she said as she rested against my chest while we watched a movie.
“Like what?” I yawned. The twelve week lull had hit and I just couldn’t seem to wake up. It was the same on every tour, for the first month you were hyped about being back on the road again, about performing every night to a sell out audience but after a while the late nights and constant travelling did you in and all you wanted to do during the day was chill out, of course there wasn’t a lot else you could do when you were trapped on a bus, travelling at 70 down the highway.
“Well we have six months till we’re getting married and all we have so far is a date, a venue and who is going to be involved in the wedding party,” she said moving so she could rest on her elbows and look at me.
“Six months is loads of time,” I said rubbing my eyes.
“No it’s really not, we have loads to organise.”
“Like what?”
“Colour scheme,” she replied.
“Mustard Yellow,” I joked but she didn’t seem to see the funny side, “It was a joke.”
“What colour do you want?” She asked and I really didn’t care at that moment in time but I knew if I said that I would have hell to pay.
“Whatever colour you pick is fine with me,” I said but that was wrong as well.
“So pink is fine with you? Yeah I didn’t think so,” she said when I made a face, “I want your opinion, this is your wedding too you know,” she said.
“We should have a winter colour or a Christmas colour seeing as its in November.”
“What colour would that be?”
“Red is a Christmas colour,” I said but she scrunched up her nose.
“Red? I hear red I think street walker,” she admitted making me laugh.
“What colour do you want me to say?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Okay something else, we need to find a caterer, a cake, shit I should be writing this down,” she said jumping up so she could grab a notebook that was resting on the table. “Okay Cake, caterer, colour scheme, flowers, invitations, music, anything else?” She asked from where she was sitting.
“I think that’s enough for now,” I said standing up and stretching.
Three hours, two bowls of cereal and lots of cups of coffee later and we were far more advanced in our wedding plans. He had managed to convince me that red was the way forward, well we had compromised on a wine red colour, not street walker red. We had a emailed the resort’s caterers who were going to put together a list of the potential food we could have, and we were now looking at different cakes.
“Do we have to have fruit cake? Fruit cake is nasty,” he said looking up from his laptop, every time I saw him in glasses he made me melt. He very rarely wore them but where he had been sat staring at a computer screen his eyes had grown tired. “There just glasses Will,” he said noticing how my face must have changed.
“But they make you look sexy, I think you should wear them all the time,” I replied making him roll his eyes. “Fruit cake is traditional,” I said answering his question.
“It’s also tradition to get married in a church and we aren’t doing that, I say hell with tradition,” he said.
“Well what were you thinking?”
“Chocolate cake,” he said his eyes lighting up.
“I should be glad you didn’t say swiss roll shouldn’t I?
“Yes because swiss roll kicks ass.”
“Is there a chocolate cake on there?” I asked and he turned the laptop round so I could see. I had to admit it did look good and nearly everybody liked chocolate cake, there were going to be far more people liking that then there would be liking fruit cake. I was just about to agree when I saw another link of the page so I leant over and clicked on it.
“Now there is an idea I like,” I said turning the screen back to him.
“Yeah they look pretty cool, but how many would we need?” he said looking at the cupcakes.
“Well we would have to order them when we get the RSVP’s back and even then I would order a few more then we would need.”
“So we need to get the invites out then don’t we?” he said.
“Yep, I’ll email the company and ask when they would need the order for,” I said taking back the laptop.
“Hey you guysssssss,” Jay called through the bus.
“Sup dude,” Nick called back.
“Sound check started five minutes ago and we are missing two important pieces, Willow and her guitar,” he deadpanned making Nick punch him in the arm playfully.
“What? We can replace you, I’ll just call Aaron,” he said sitting down next to me. “Oh cake.”
“Does it look yummy?” I asked and he nodded.
“It does but we need to get moving,” he said pulling my arm but I bat him away.
“Two minutes I just need to send this email.”
“I’ll meet you in there babe,” Nick said taking off his glasses as he followed Jay off of the bus.
“Okay,” I called after him.
Chapter Forty Five
“You guys are both pansy’s,” I said as I was unclipped from my harness.
“It’s really high,” Brian said looking up.
“That was the best view of Sydney and you missed it,” I said walking over to them.
“I would rather look out from this part of the bridge,” Nick said as he was leaning on the raising watching the boats pass in the harbour.
“Losers. I can’t believe I’m the only one with a certificate that says I walked across the top of Sydney Harbour Bridge, you guys need to live a little.”
“Yeah I would like to continue living hence the reason I didn’t go up there,” Nick said taking the hand that I held out to him.
“Whatever, where are we going next?” I asked.
“Sound check,” Brian said and I groaned.
“This is a working holiday baby,” Nick reminded me.
“Yeah I know, I just wish we could see a bit more that’s all,” I said getting into the waiting car.
“Well maybe we should come back here on our honeymoon.”
“I think that is the best idea you’ve ever had,” I said kissing his cheek.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“You all enjoying yourself?” Nick asked the crowd and got loads of screaming back in response. I pulled the guitar strap over my head and handed it to Jim ,the tech guy, who handed back a bottle of water which I graciously took. Half way through the show without enough time for a sip of water in this heat was just cruel. I chugged half the bottle and then listened to Nick and Brian finish what they were saying before I picked up the acoustic guitar and made my way across to the centre of the stage.
“Ladies and Gentlemen Willow,” Brian said as I smiled and took a seat on the centre stool.
“What are you going to play for us tonight?” Nick asked.
I started playing the opening chords of a popular song, I changed it every night so the guys had no idea what I was going to come out with, they would just have to go with the flow and try and sing along.
“Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back
Porno Paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blond hair back
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl,” Jay sang while Nick shook his ass making the audience scream even louder.
“Okay another one,” Brian said.
I thought for a few seconds and then began to play, Howie was the first one to realise what the song was.
“It’s tearing up my heart when I’m with you,
But when we are apart I feel it too,
And no matter what I do I feel the pain,
With or with out you,” he sang while Nick did the dance to Bye, Bye, Bye.
“Wrong dance Nicky,” Jay said patting him on the back.
“I don’t know the dance to that one, and I can’t believe you played that you traitor,” he said turning to me. I just laughed and shrugged my shoulders at him.
“Now we are going to slow it down a bit, maybe get a bit romantic,” Brian said and then laughed when Nick looked at him with lusty eyes, blowing him kisses, “Stay away from me,” he said shoving him.
“Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
Baby
No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you.”
This was part of the show that I loved, it was raw and basic and really showcased their voices. The fans also liked how three songs were incorporated, this part of the sow being the most talked about in reviews, and on message boards.
“Baby you deserve much better
What's the use in holding on?
Dont you see its now or never
Cause I just can't be friends
Baby knowing in the end
That I will love you more than that
I won't say the words then take them back
Dont give loneliness’ a chance
Baby listen to me when I say.”
This part of the show was one of my favourites, it was simple and easy, just a mike and a guitar and a stool. Halfway through the show we definitely needed this, it was a chance to get a breather between all the up-tempo songs and dance routines that we had decided were needed. It also gave us a chance to try and connect with the audience, although that was quite difficult seeing that there were 40,000 people out there.
40,000! That still amazed me. 40,000 people were here to see us, it was completely mind blowing, they had spend there money and time to come and see the four of us, four ordinary people with extra ordinary lives when we were touring.
She looked over to me from where she was sitting and threw me a smile which I returned, I loved working with her, I think it was because she was here and had been in this business that she understood me. She knew the pressure of putting on a live show, or of recording an album but she also knew that there were more important things and could deflate me if I ever got to big for my boots, which had happened a lot in the past.
“Oooh, You've been holding on so longTrying to make believe that nothing's wrong
Not letting it show
There ain't nothing you can do
To make me turn away from you
I need you to know
That you can let go
Don't be afraid when you're falling apart
Don't hesitate have a right where you are
Open your eyes
There's a crack in the dark
You never let me see you cryin'
You locked it somewhere deep inside
Baby, baby, let me hold you tight
Make it all right
Baby, baby, it's gonna be all right
Cause I'm by your side
When the whole world turns against you
Yeah Yeah
I won't turn against you
Baby, baby, it's gonna be all right
Cause I'm by your side
When the whole world turns against you
Yeah Yeah
You can let go
Oooh, You've been holding on so long
Trying to make believe that nothings wrong
Not letting it show
There ain't nothing you can do
To make me turn away from you
I need you to know.”
I think another reason this was one of my favourite parts was because I loved this song, I loved how the audience would sing along, I loved band would kick in halfway through making the audience go wild, I loved the lyrics and most of all I loved singing it to her. She pointed out a few weeks ago that from the beginning to the end of the song I rarely made eye contact with the crowd, I was focused on her. It was true, I did, before it wasn’t a conscious thing, I just did it and I think it was due to the lyrics and all we had been through. It was like someone had read my mind and had been able to write a song about it. As the song ended she stuck her tongue out at me and then stood up so she could get ready for the next tune.
“Willow Abrams, everybody,” Jay said and she bowed before slapping his ass. “She’s a saucy little minx.”
Chapter Forty six
“You called?” Jay asked as I walked onto his bus where Brian was also sat.
“I need your help, and you as well,” I said to Brian as I dumped all my notebooks on the table. “It’s our forth anniversary in two weeks and I want to do something special. I have all this from when we were apart and from when we got back together and I want him to understand what was going through my head.”
“You want some help in writing some songs?” Brian asked understanding what I was talking about.
“Yeah and I also want to record them and put them on a CD.”
“You want to do that in Two weeks, when we are on a tour, which he is also on, and you want to be able to keep it a secret? Your fucking insane,” Jay said looking at me like I was crazy.
“We could do it, Couldn’t we?” I said looking between the two of them.
“We can certainly try,” Brian said opening one of my notebooks.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“You sure you’ll be okay to play tonight baby?” He asked concerned when I said I didn’t feel like going sight seeing with him Howie and Leigh because I had a headache.
“Yeah I’ll be fine, I just think it would be better if I stay here and chill out,” making Howie wink at me from behind Nick, I had managed to get him on it as well. I needed about four more hours to be able to record what was left.
“As long as your sure, call me if you want me to come back okay?” he said leaning down and kissing me.
“Will do, go and have a good time.” I said watching him leave. When I knew he was actually gone I picked up my cell phone and called Jay, “All clear.”
………………………………........................................................................................
“I'm not dead just floating
Underneath the ink of my tattoo
I've tried to hide my scars from you
I'm not scared just changing
Right beyond the cigarette and the devilish smile
You're my crack of sunlight,” I sang as I strummed the guitar.
“I hate you,” Jay said as I finished and I looked at him confused. “It comes so natural to you, you don’t even have to try,” he moaned making me smile when I realised it was a compliment.
“So you think he’ll like my idea?” I asked as I watched him connect the new IPOD I had bought Nick due to him dropping his old one down the stairs.
“Yep, I better get credit for helping you.”
“You will,” I said hugging him before I sat down next to him at the Laptop.
“I won’t hold my breath, I’m still waiting on a thank you for playing match maker,” he said lighting up a cigarette.
“What? You so did not set us up.”
“I’m not talking about setting you up, from the moment you saw each other there was an attraction there. I’m talking about kicking you both up the ass to actually get it together. If I hadn’t of pushed you to talk to him, or told him to fight for you then you would be two love sick little puppies who still refused to tell each other how you really felt. You certainly wouldn’t be celebrating your forth anniversary much less getting married,” he ranted.
“I have thanked you for that,” I said, “Haven’t I?” I asked not absolutely sure.
“Nope, don’t worry about it, I’m used to it now,” he said shrugging his shoulder jokingly.
“I swear I did. Oh well sorry then and thank you for helping me realise that he was all I ever wanted,” I said kissing his cheek.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“I cannot believe you did this,” She said looking at the picture of the Mini Convertible I bought her for our Anniversary.
“I wanted you to have it here for real but it just became to tricky, so it’s waiting for you at home,” I said after she gave me a kiss.
“Thank you baby I love it,” she said putting the picture and her card down on the table. “My present is just going to suck compared to that,” she said handing me two neatly wrapped gifts.
I tore into the paper of the first one and lifted the lid off the small box.
“Your bad,” I said to her when I saw the watch I had loved when we had been shopping in New York a few weeks ago, I really wanted to get it but I couldn’t justify spending that amount of money on it.
“I could tell you really loved it. And hey at least we spent about the same amount of money on each other,” she shrugged making me laugh.
“Thank you baby, I love it,” I said giving her a kiss as I put it on my wrist. “You shouldn’t have bought me anything else though,” I said when she handed me the other present.
“Oh this is more home made then anything,” she said winking at me.
“Wow you hand made an IPOD? That’s some skill, is it made from things that lie around the house?” I said after I had unwrapped it.
“It’s what’s on the IPOD that’s home made.”
I scrolled through the play list of about ten songs, noticing that they were all written by her from the track information that came up on the screen.
“Don’t listen to them now, Listen to them when I’m not around okay?” She said becoming a bit embarrassed.
“Alright,” I said giving her a kiss.
Willow’s CD of songs that she wrote for Nick.
Because you loved me - Celine Dion
The First Time Ever I saw Your Face - Leona Lewis Version
Trouble - Coldplay
A Warning Sign - Coldplay
You Have Stolen My Heart - Dashboard Confessionals
Finally Awake - Hoobastank
WOW - Kylie
I’m Not Dead - Pink
