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“I’m up, I’m awake,” I said quickly when I felt someone tap my shoulder.

“Nick you should go home, get some sleep,” Rachel said offering me a cup of coffee before she sat next to me in the family room of the ICU.

“No I’m fine, I just need this,” I said taking the cup from her.

“You need to get some sleep,” she said resting her head on her hand.

“How much sleep did you get last night? I think I have five messages from you,” I replied raising my eyebrows at her.

“Alright okay I get the message. How is she?”

“The same, they’ve taken her to do a CT scan to check the swelling and to check the damage to her back but they should be back soon,” I said glancing at my watch.

“Did she… did you know she was pregnant?”

For two days we had all be skating around the subject, no one really acknowledging the fact that she had needed surgery because of a rupture due to a pregnancy rather than because of the accident she was in. I knew that we needed to talk about it and I was thankful that Rachel bought it up when it was just the two of us but it didn’t make it any easier.

“I had no idea, I don’t think she did either, she would have told me wouldn’t she?” I asked.

“Yeah she would have. How do you feel about the whole thing?”

“I don’t really feel anything, just a bit shocked it wasn’t like we planned it.”

I looked to the door when Mike walked in hoping that Rachel wouldn’t continue our discussion, I was uncomfortable enough talking to her about it.

“Hey, I bought you some breakfast,” he said handing me a bag with a muffin in it.

“Thanks,” I said taking the bag from him. I wasn’t really hungry but I knew that I would probably need it later.

“Is she okay?” he asked and as if his mind had been read the attending looking after Willow walked into the room.

“Good your all here,” he said spotting us, “Shall we go into my office? Less interruptions,” he said holding the door open. My heart was in my mouth, I couldn’t read his expression so I didn’t know whether to expect good or bad news as I followed them into the room and took a seat.

“The nursing staff were concerned about her decrease in motor movement in her lower limbs and that’s the reason we took her to CT. As your aware she did crush two of her vertebra which we repaired after we did the leprosy. The CT showed that there is some compression on her spinal cord and that’s what’s causing the decreased motor movement.”

“So what are you doing the rectify that?” Mike asked.

“I’ve spoken to the orthopaedic team and they have a slot to take her back to the OR in the next hour, we’re prepping her for surgery now, so I am here to ask for a consent,” he said pushing a piece of paper and a pen across to us.

“But you said after the last surgery it wouldn’t be wise to take her again, that she wasn’t stable enough,” I said.

“It’s imperative that she has this surgery.”

“Can’t we wait a few more days till she’s stronger?” Rachel asked.

“At the moment its just lower limb weakness but the longer we leave it the more chance she has at becoming paralysed from the waist down, her chances for a better recovery are higher if we operate now, I know this is a lot to take in but it is in her best interest if we operate now,” He said picking up the pen and holding it out, they both hesitated for a moment so they could look at each other, if they decided not to sign then I would find some way of doing it for her, I knew she would want it. Thankfully I didn’t have to as Mike took the pen and signed his name.

“Thank you. This is going to be another long wait I’m afraid, I wouldn’t expect her out of surgery for at least six hours the nursing staff will let you know what’s going on as soon as they have the information,” he said standing up as we followed suit, moving to exit the room.

I headed back the family room knowing that there would already be two people heading into the ICU.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Five

“When was the last time you had anything to eat? Hell Nick when was the last time you slept?” Kristin said as she sat down next to me in the waiting area outside of the ICU.

“You’ve grown again,” I said referring to her expanding waist line, trying to skip out on answering the questions she had fired at me.

“Yes well I may be growing but your wasting away right in front of me Chunk. You do realise that soon you won’t be able to do the truffle shuffle anymore and then you will hold no comic value to me,” she said putting her hand on my leg and I smiled at her attempt to make me feel at least a tiny bit better.

“How is she doing, Bro?” Kev asked and I just looked to him and shrugged. For the past week there hadn’t really been much change. She came through the spinal surgery okay but the weakness was still there even though they had managed to release the compression. Things didn’t look good though as I wasn’t positive that it had been as successful as they had hoped as when we asked what her chances of walking again were, they suggested we wait till she was conscious.

The swelling had decreased but not as much as they had hoped so she was still sedated and ventilated. The bruising to her face was slowly disappearing but she still didn’t look like the Willow I remembered. I had only left her side when they needed to run more tests or examine her and I wasn’t allowed to stay at night, fire regulations they had said. Any time I wasn’t with her I was either here, or the small relatives room down the corridor.

“No change?” He probed again.

“Not really, they’re in with her now. They’ve got some spinal guy in to try and assess what the damage is to her back.” I said not meeting his eyes, if I looked into them I knew I would loose what little composure I had left.

“Why don’t you come back to ours for a while? Have something decent to eat, and sleep in a bed for a few hours,” Kristin said and I sighed.

“They’ll be finished with her soon and I want to be with her,” I said turning to gaze out the window. I was so jealous of the people walking below, getting on with their lives without a care, not that I would wish this on anyone, I just felt so frustrated for once something had been going right in my personal life and now I was once again left to pick up the pieces.

“Nick-”

“I said no Kristin.” I knew from the way she withdrew her hand I had been a little to harsh. I knew they were only trying to help but I couldn’t leave her if I left her and something happened I would never forgive myself.

“Your going to make yourself ill Nick and then what good are you going to be to her?” Kevin said sitting next to me and blocking my view so that I had no choice but to look at him.

“I’ll be here and she won’t be alone,” I said the volume of my voice increasing. “I’m sick of everyone telling me what to do I’m a fucking adult now I can make my own decisions,” I said louder than I should have but luckily the hall was empty.

“ I’m not telling you what to do, I worried about you, I’m trying to help you,” he said calmly.

“I don’t need your help, the only person I want help for is Willow but you can’t do that. You cant do anything to make her better anymore than I can . She’s my world Kev I thought you of all people would be able to understand that, if the tables were turned there’s no way you would let anyone talk you into leaving so why do you insist on trying to do it to me,” I yelled at him my composure bursting as angry tears started to fall from my eyes.

“Sweetie.”

“No Kris, you have no idea what I’m going through. I am so petrified of loosing her and of having to be on my own again if I leave something’s going to happen and I don’t want her to be on her own I…I…” I couldn’t even finish what I wanted to say the emotions and frustrations that I had held inside for the past week had finally found their way out and I sobbed into Kevin’s shoulder as he pulled me into a hug. I cried into his shoulder for I don’t know how long and he just let me. When I finally stopped I pulled away and wiped my eyes on my sleeve and then wiped it across my nose.

“If there is snot on my shoulder I’m going to kick your ass Carter,” he said watching me and I laughed at him and turned to Kristin to say something but noticed that she was also in tears.

“Why are you crying?” I asked wrapping my arm around her.

“Because you cried and you never cry,” she said wiping her eyes.

“Your such a girl,” I said and she stuck her tongue out at me. “If you cry then I’m gona cry,” I said doing my best girl impersonation as I fanned my face. She hit my arm but then kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug. “Can’t make arms reach, woman is too fat,” I exclaimed as I went to hug her back.

“I am not that big Nickolas,” she said hitting my arm again. “ Now as you’ve insulted me you have to make it up to me.”

“And how do I do that?” I asked but I already knew the answer.

“By humouring me and coming back with us for a few hours. You have your cell and we can give them our home number and if the slightest thing changes we will bring you straight back. Your just gona go crazy if you’re here 24/7 Nick,” she said.

“You’ll bring me straight back when I ask?”

“You have to stay more than an two hours, you can’t just step inside then demand we take you back,” Kevin said as if he knew what plan I was concocting in my head, damn him for knowing me so well!

“Can we just wait till the doctors are finished and her parents are here?”

“Sure.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Six

“Nick…Nick…”

I could hear the voice but I was so comfortable and I didn’t want to get up just yet, what harm could five more minutes do? I snuggled back in the pillow and pulled the duvet up so it was right under my chin and tried to ignore the voice but it was insistent and wouldn’t go away. It was then I remembered where I was and that Willow was in the ICU and I sat bolt up right in the bed panicked that something had happened.

“What? Is it Willow? Did the hospital call? Something’s wrong,” I said as I pushed the covers back.

“Buddy chill everything’s fine, I just came to tell you breakfast is ready,” Kevin said placing a cup of coffee on the nightstand next to me.

“Breakfast? What time is it?” I asked grabbing for my watch.

“Just after nine.”

“As in a.m.? You said you would wake me up and drop me back to the hospital before it got late last night,” I said throwing back the covers and putting my jeans on angrily.

“Nick you have slept soundly for the past thirteen hours, you obviously needed it, Kristin came in to check you were still alive twice. I wasn’t going to drop you back off so you could spend the night alone trying to sleep on a couch when there was a perfectly good bed that you seemed to be pretty comfortable in here,” he said trying to calm me down.

“What if something’s happened?”

“The hospital haven’t rung and neither have her parents ok? Now come and have some breakfast, take a shower and I’ll take you back there.”

“No I want to go now,” I said shoving my wallet and phone into my pocket.

“You are not leaving here until you’ve eaten breakfast,” he said sternly as he crossed his arms and I had no choice but to conceded.

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I hung up the towel in the bathroom and sighed as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. There were dark circles around my eyes and my brow just seemed to be constantly furrowed, like Mom had been right about the wind changing and my face staying like that.

I did feel a bit better after having a shower but I wasn’t going to tell Kevin that. There was a knock at the bedroom door and yelled for whoever it was to come in as I walked into the room in my jeans.

“Hey I bought you a fresh t-shirt,” Kris said handing me one of Kevin’s.

“Now I’m gona have to be careful to not crease it or spill anything down it or god forbid actually stretch it by the movement of breathing,” I joked and she smiled.

“Keep it, it’s a fugly one,” she shrugged.

“Thanks Kris I appreciate you giving me one of his fugly t-shirts,” I said sarcastically as I pulled it over my head.

“You are the king of fugly shirts my dear, you want some pancakes for breakfast or waffles? Who am I trying to fool I’m making them both this kid seems to have a hankering for breakfast foods,” she said rubbing her slightly protruding stomach and I must have frowned. “What?” She asked.

I hesitated for a few seconds before blurting out, “Willow was pregnant.”

She was quiet for a moment, I didn’t think she was really expecting me to say that.

“Did she miscarry because of the accident?” She asked quietly.

“No they called it an ep, an ep-”

“An eptopic pregnancy?” She asked and I nodded my head.

“Nicky I’m so sorry, trust me I know how difficult that is,” she said rubbing my leg slightly, “Are you okay?”

“Your going to think I’m a really horrible person but I was relieved when they said it had ruptured, god Kris I can’t believe I just said that,” I said resting my elbows on my knees and putting my head in my hands.

“No your not. I take it that it wasn’t a planned thing?”

“The first I heard about it was from the surgeon in front of her parents.”

“Ouch,” she said.

“Yeah tell me about it.”

“Did Willow know?”

“I don’t think so. I just…what if she did know Kris? What if she was too scared to tell me? What if she didn’t think I would make a good Dad? What if she crashed the car on purpose?”

“Now your being ridiculous. There is no way she would do something like that, she would have told you if she knew Nick, even if she was sure you would be against the idea.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Stop reading into this so much and come down stairs and help me with breakfast so we can get you back to her,” she said grabbing my hand to pull me up.

……………………………….............................................................................................

I stepped off the elevator and was greeted by Willow’s Mom who had a big smile on her face.

“She’s triggering the ventilator,” she exclaimed taking the cup of coffee I handed to her.

“She’s what?” I asked confused. It had to be a good thing though because Rachel was smiling, she wouldn’t be smiling if it was a bad thing. She gladly accepted the coffee and sat down on the couch as I leant against the opposite wall.

“She’s taking breathes and working against the ventilator which means her sedation has weaned enough for her body to take over breathing. There in with her now deciding on whether or not to remove the tube and see if she can fend for herself,” she said and then took a sip. I was just about to voice my concerns about removing it too soon when the doctor walked out through the double doors of the ICU.

He was smiling. I was really liking all the smiling.

“Things are looking good folks. She is triggering the vent but I’m not going to take her off it till she’s conscious I don’t want to have to put another one down if she can’t maintain her airway. We’re going to stop the sedation, there is still a bit of swelling but she’s out of the woods for haemorrhaging, there may be some complications though,” he said as we followed him into his office.

I took a seat and braced myself for what he was going to say. We had been told from the beginning that the chances of her making a full recovery were fifty/fifty at best.

“There’s a possibility that she’s not going to be the Willow that you remember. She could have moderate to severe brain damage or she could be totally fine. All the scans have been positive so far and although she was slow to respond the treatment she has responded in the way that hoped for .”

“Worst case scenario?” I asked bluntly and he was silent for a few moments.

“Severe disablement to the point where she will need 24/7 care. But I am confident that won’t happen. Whatever happens its going to be a very long recovery. She’s looking at a long stretch in hospital and probably an even longer stretch in out patient rehab.”

“Are you any more aware of the damage to her back? Will she be able to walk?” Rachel asked.

“Again we are only going to truly know the extent of the damage when she’s conscious. I’m aware that her Father isn’t here if he has any questions just get one of the nurses to come find me. I think it’s going to be a good idea if someone stays with her for when she comes round.”

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I took her hand in mine as I sat in the chair beside her bed. Her bruising was practically gone but she was whiter than white, she never really held much of a tan but since the accident she had been practically transparent. I looked up to the monitor that she was connected to, since I had spent so much time here I was well aware of the normal limits that her vitals should be.

Her heart rate was resting comfortably at 76 and her oxygen level was 99 but she was ventilated so it didn’t really count for much.

“Heard the news?” Becca asked smiling, as she came across and began prepping Willow’s IV line so she could put meds down it.

“Yeah.”

“You don’t seem pleased,” she said frowning at me as she pushed what was in the syringe down the line.

“Just worried about how she’s going to be. She was so vibrant and full of-”

“She’s still alive Nick, and she may be just as vibrant, would she thank you for writing her off this early in the game?” She said and I knew she was right but I was still concerned. “Whatever happens today its not going to be what you expect ok? What you need to do is think how hard this week has been on you and then think what it is going to be like for her. She’s lost an entire week of her life, she’s probably not going to remember a lot about the accident either. You’ve got to be strong for her.”

“You’re right. Don’t you ever go home Becca?” I asked. Since Willow had been admitted she had been her nurse for five out of the seven days.

“Seems like that huh? I’m saving for a huge vacation that I have planned so I’m picking up all the extra shifts I can. Flights to New Zealand do not come cheap.”

“New Zealand? Never actually been there,” I said stroking Willows hand. Becca was so easy to talk to, it was like she was able to take my mind off where I was and why I was there even if it was only for a few minutes.

“I thought you were a pop star? Isn’t worldwide travel part of the job description?” She asked as she threw her gloves away.

“You would think. You on a twelve hour?”

“It’s the shift I live for and hopefully I’m going to get to meet the Willow you keep telling me about. I’m going on coffee break so if you need anything push the buzzer or grab one of the other nurses at the desk ok?” She asked picking up Willow’s file.

“Will do,” I said as she smiled and then walked away. I looked back to Willow and stroked her face gently. “I know you can hear me Will, all you got to do is open your eyes. I’m right here with you.” But there was nothing, her eyes remained closed and I sighed. “Everyone is missing you baby, if you wanted some attention you got it. C’mon all you have to do is open your eyes,” I begged. Still nothing.

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I walked out of the unit and saw Alex waiting for me.

“Hey dude,” he said pulling me into a hug. “How’s she doing?”

“Still out. She started moving her hand earlier but they said that can just be her muscles going into spasm doesn’t mean she’s any closer to waking up.”

“You want to go for a coffee or something? Grab some dinner? Her folks are with her aren’t they?” He said when I glanced back into the ICU. “Hospital cafeteria no further,” he said obviously sensing I was anxious about leaving.

“Twenty minutes.”

When we reached the cafeteria I realised that I was sick of the hospital food. I looked at the trays of food laid out and wrinkled my nose at the choice or lack thereof . I finally decided on the pizza but when it came to eating it I only had a few mouthfulls.

“Not hungry?” Jay asked as he looked at my plate and I shrugged. “ Good thing I bought you a care package then aint it?” he said handing me the back pack he had. I looked through it. Cans of soda, bags of chips, Swiss roll score! MP3 player, a few books I would never read and a playboy.

“Where am I going to be able to read this?” I said pointing to it and he shrugged. “Thanks man I appreciate it.”

“Don’t thank me it was my Mom’s idea well apart from the playboy,” he said making me laugh.

“So how is she doing?” He asked seriously.

“I have no fucking clue, they come in on rounds and talk about her like she’s not even there. Half of it I can’t understand, the nurses are good though, tell me in easy terms. They keep saying when she wakes up which was better then when she first came in cause they kept saying if. I just… I’m…” I looked down then, focusing on the polystyrene cup that I was breaking apart. I didn’t want him to see the tears in my eyes, to know how scared I was but I should have realised that avoiding looking at him wouldn’t hide that.

“You’re scared. It’s okay to be scared Nick. Its okay to cry as well, why you still think you have to hide it from me I have no idea.” He said as he reached out to punch me lightly in the arm.

“I’m fine,” I said shaking it off but he just looked at me sceptically from over the top if his sunglasses.

“Liar.”

“I just don’t know what I’m gona do if anything does happen to her. I can’t be on my own again Jay I can’t,” I said wiping a tear away.

“Listen to me Nick you’re never going to be on your own. You’ve got all of us and I don’t think Willow is going to go that easy okay? Do you not remember how stubborn she is? She makes Kevin look like friggen Elmo.”

“You gona come in and see her?” I asked and he hesitated for a few seconds.

“Would you mind if I didn’t? I just…hospitals freak me out man and I don’t think I would cope well seeing her like you said she is. As soon as she’s awake I’ll be straight here you know that.”

“It’s cool don’t worry, I know how you get. Just thought-” I was interrupted by the shrill ringing of my cell phone. I picked it up from the table and answered. “I’ll be right up,” I said as I bolted from the table not giving any explanation to A.J.

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I tried to compose myself as I hastily walked into the ICU.

“She’s been squeezing my hand when I ask,” Her Dad said looking to me. “Squeeze my hand Willow,” he said. It took a few seconds but her fingers griped around his. I felt like all my Christmas’s and birthdays had come at once, like I was going to explode with excitement. I walked around the other side of the bed and took her hand in mine, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Baby? It’s Nick. Open your eyes we’re all here all you got to do is open those beautiful eyes of yours to see,” I whispered into her ear and then waited but there was still nothing. I looked to Becca in disapointment.

“Hearing is the first sense that we get back, there can be a bit of delay before she’ll open her eyes. This happens when people come round from anaesthesia, its totally normal.”

Thirty minutes passed and she still hadn’t opened her eyes. Maybe this had been a false alarm, maybe she wasn’t going to wake up today. We had been talking to her, reassuring her that we were still around her, that it was okay for her to wake up. I was sat in the chair next to her, her hand still tightly gripped in mine. I was staring up at her monitor that showed her vitals when it happened. Her hand squeezed mine tightly.

I held my breathe as I looked down to her face, not daring to hope.

“Hi gorgeous,” I whispered as I finally was able to look into her electric emerald eyes.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Seven

The beeping was constant and annoying as hell. I could occasionally hear voices asking me to squeeze my hand, they were insistent and wouldn’t back off till I did it. I did it just to get them to back off what did a girl have to do to get some sleep around here?

“Open those beautiful eyes of yours to see.”

It wasn’t enough that I was squeezing their hands? Now I had to open my eyes. I don’t think these people understood the concept of sleep.

I kept fading in and out of sleep, like it was drug induced and not natural and something was in my throat but I couldn’t get at it to get rid of it and I couldn’t cough to remove it either. The beeping was louder now and I was becoming more aware of other voices around me. When I did open my eyes the light stung and I quickly shut them again.

I opened them more slowly the second time and tried to gauge my surroundings but my body felt so heavy I couldn’t move it. I moved my eyes and spotted him, staring up at some TV screen, I tried to call his name but whatever was stuck in my mouth prevented me from saying anything. When I gripped his hand his head snapped down and a huge smile spread across his face.

“Hi Gorgeous,” He whispered, as he kissed my hand and a few tears fell from his eyes.

“Willow? Oh God you are awake, Hi baby,” I glanced to my left and saw both my parents. Everyone was crying, everyone was happy to see me, a had a tube down my throat and that familiar smell…something bad had to have happened.

I pulled my hand free from my Dad’s and tried to tug at the tube. I wanted it out. I was quickly stopped.

“Sweetie you need to leave that,” Nick said stroking my face tenderly.

“Miss Abrams? It’s nice to finally meet you, I’m Doctor Millar. Are you ready for that tube to be out?” He asked and I nodded my head as he put on a pair of gloves. “Okay then when I say blow I need you to do that as hard as you can ok?” He disconnected the tube from a machine and then looked down to me “Blow.”

I did as I was told and blew as hard as I could. The feeling of the tube coming out made me gag and want to be sick. I coughed when it was fully removed and tried to speak but it hurt like hell and my throat was so dry.

“You’re going to be a bit sore and a bit hoarse for the next couple of days. Do you know where you are?”

“ Hospital?” I croaked.

“Good guess. You were involved in a pretty nasty car accident. I’m not going to go into much detail now but I’m sure your family will fill you in. I do need to check you over though ok?” He asked and I nodded still half asleep.

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I stared at them stunned. An entire week of my life was gone, I was never going to get that back, seven days of my life that I couldn’t even remember, that I would never remember.

“A week?” I asked still shocked.

“You had us pretty scared,” My Dad said as Nick stroked my hand gently, he had been unusually quiet, withdrawn almost.

“All I remember is getting in the car to drive home and then it’s… there’s, it’s like there’s nothing there, like someone has wiped my mind clear.”

“Lucky for you,” Nick mumbled before he realised I had heard him. “None of that matters now baby, all that matters is that your awake and your going to be fine.”

“You like tired sweetie, maybe we should leave you to get some rest,” My Mom said and I nodded my head. She planted a kiss on my head followed by my Dad doing the same.

“Love you pumpkin,” he said picking up his jacket.

“Love you to,” I replied as I watched them both leave.

“Do you want me to go too?” He asked. I could tell from his eyes that he didn’t want to go anywhere and I wasn’t ready to be on my own.

“Why would I want that?” I said squeezing his hand making a small smile escape his lips before he kissed my hand.