It was about ten thirty when I walked into the ICU where they were still keeping Willow nearly ten days after her accident and smiled brightly when I saw her but she didn’t return it she just looked away.
“Hey sweetie, what’s wrong?” I asked sitting down on the chair next to her.
“Were you just never going to tell me?” She asked and I was just confused.
“Tell you what?” I asked and she just shook her head at me.
“Don’t play games with me Nick. Why didn’t you tell me I was pregnant?”
Now it all made sense and I sighed before I took her hand in mine.
“I was going to tell you, I just I thought it could wait a little bit, I didn’t want to upset you with that now and throw more information at you when you’ve already had to take on so much. Who told you?” I asked and her face softened when she realised it had been an honest mistake.
“My gynaecologist came to check me over. Sorry I didn’t mean to jump down your throat. How did you…what did you…when you found out,” I stuttered before he cut me off.
“Totally shocked,” he admitted smiling at me sheepishly. I was glad he said that because when she came to speak to me so was I. I had been pregnant and not even realised, albeit I was only a few weeks along but my period had been late. “So you didn’t know?” He asked.
“No. I would have told you if I knew, they said it was bad that they had to remove…” I trailed off then not wanting to speak the truth as if I didn’t then maybe it wasn’t real. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, kids had been something we had skimmed over both agreeing that they were way in the future but knowing that it might be harder to conceive one was upsetting and suddenly I couldn’t catch my breathe as I let some tears escape. It soon turned to panic when I realised it wasn’t because I was emotional that I couldn’t breathe.
I could tell she was panicking, that for some reason she couldn’t catch her breathe and as I reached to press the nurse call bell, her monitor began to go off and I watched one set of numbers decrease from 98 to 90 to 80 in a matter of seconds.
“Willow? Alright sweetie I’m just going to put some oxygen on you okay?” Becca said when she reached us quickly and looked at the monitor. “I need some help here please,” she called over her shoulder calmly as she pulled the stethoscope from around her neck so she could listen to Willow’s chest. She frowned and I knew that something wasn’t right.
“What’s wrong?” I asked panicked as Willow squeezed my hand still finding it increasingly hard to breathe.
“Page DR Newman, I think she has a pnemothorax there’s decreased air entry on the right side,” she said to one of the nurses who came to her aid when she called. “Prep a chest tube tray, and get me an intubation kit just in case” she said to another.
She increased the oxygen and sat Willow’s bed upright before she took her hand.
“Willow, I’m a bit concerned that you may have a collapsed lung, we may have to do a procedure and put a chest tube in to drain the escaped air okay? I’ve paged DR Newman and he is on his way.”
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Twenty minutes later and I still couldn’t really breathe any better. Even though they had given me a local I could still feel the poking around and cried out when I felt them push the tube in.
“It’s okay baby, it’s alright. I’m here,” Nick said squeezing my hand before he placed a kiss to my head.
“Okay Willow, horrible part is over, we just need to stitch it in place now but you shouldn’t feel that,” DR Newman said and after a few seconds I was able to breathe much easier, all the resistance was gone. “Once that’s done check a blood gas, I don’t want her to be acidotic,” He said to his intern.
“No,” I croaked remembering the pain of having them done before.
“We really need to check one Willow, your oxygen levels were low for some time,” he said looking over at me. “I know how much they hurt, I’ve had to have one myself but I need to know that your okay,” he said sympathetically and I felt myself holding my wrist out.
“Good girl, I’ll be back to check on you in a few minutes okay?” He said taking my chart and then I watched him walk over to the nurses station.
“You okay beautiful? You had me pretty scared,” Nick said stroking my face.
“I just want to go home Nick, I don’t want to be here anymore,” I answered pulling the mask down off my face so it was resting around my neck.
“I know baby but you have to stay here just a bit longer.”
“Willow are you ready?” The intern asked as he pulled on some gloves and I held out my wrist to him.
“Don’t watch him, look at me and squeeze my hand okay?” Nick whispered kissing me again and I nodded my head.
She called out in pain and I just didn’t know how much more of this I could take. All of the tests and surgeries and needles were really taking there toll on her and I knew that she needed me there to be supportive but I found it so difficult just having to sit and watch her suffer and offer empty words that didn’t really help.
“Your doing so well, and he’s nearly done,” I whispered to her as I brushed away her tears. True to my word he finished a few seconds later.
“Okay you guys you now the drill, Nick you care to do the honours?” he said handing my her arm and I put a bit of pressure on the puncture site with some gauze while she held her arm up a bit.
“See we’re old pros now,” I joked to her and she did crack a small smile.
Chapter Nine.
He whistled as he looked around the room. “A room with a view eh? Gone up in the world have you?” Howie asked, referring to the new room I was in as he came over and wrapped me in a hug. I had been moved to the spinal unit to start my long gruelling rehab which I was not impressed about.
“Yeah I can look out to a world I don’t feel part of anymore,” I said only half joking.
“She grumpy today,” Angel said from across the room where she was sat reading one of my magazines and I just stuck my tongue out at her.
“Well you are going to love me then aren’t you? I have had to call in every favour known to man but I have it,” he said pulling out the new yet to be released DVD of Transformers.
“You so rock D, thank you,” I said giving him a peck on the cheek. “Does Nick know you have this?” I asked.
“Nope. Do you really think I am stupid enough to give this to him? You would never have gotten it,” He answered sitting on the edge of my bed. “So how are you doing?”
“Grand considering I was bought in in February and we are now nearly at the end of March.”
“Hey no more chest tube,” he said realising that I was no longer connected to a bag via a tube in my chest.
“Nope. That was a barrel of laughs when they took that out,” I said remembering the immense pain that I had felt and how Nick and my Mom had both turned an unnatural shade of white. I still had a slight whole in my side but it was hidden under lots of gauze, I was still going to have a lovely scar though.
The conversation pretty much dried up then, I wasn’t really in the mood for company and didn’t have the energy to make small talk, I was rubbish company and seemed to put everyone around me in fowl moods. Angel had only been with me for an hour and she was already quiet, more interested in my reading material then me and I knew it wouldn’t take Howie long to make his excuses and leave.
“Leigh’s good, she says you better be out of her before Christmas because she wants you at the wedding.”
“I better be out of here before Christmas. How’s the recording going?” I asked.
“Good. But we could use some input from you, did Nick bring you the CD so you could listen?” He asked and I shook my head no. Nick and I barely talked that much about stuff anymore, and I knew that wasn’t his fault. He came in everyday without fail, always bringing me something that I either needed or something that would be an attempt to make me smile or laugh. Lately it had been increasingly harder to do that and I could see the strain it was putting on our relationship but I still couldn’t do anything about it.
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“You have to spring me out of here,” I begged as Kevin and Alex walked through the door to my hospital room. Eight weeks of the same four walls was driving my insane, I had serious cabin fever.
“Nice to see you too,” Jay said placing a kiss on my cheek, I just ignored him.
“I’m going fucking insane in here, I swear to god if I have to sit here a minute longer I’m gona hang myself with the nurse call bell,” I ranted, making Kevin crack up laughing. “It’s not funny, please guys just take me for a decent coffee at Starbucks or something, I’ll even settle for a fucking cup of cats piss coffee from McDonalds, anything as long as it is away from here.”
“I’ll go sweet talk the nurses,” Kevin said as he backtracked through the door.
Twenty minutes later I sighed happily as I pushed into the open air. I looked around, jealous of all the people who would be able to go home when they wanted, already not wanting to go back to my crappy room.
“Better?” Jay said sitting on the wall across from me and lighting up a cigarette.
“Be even better if I could have one of those,” I said smiling and he shook his head no. “Please Jay,” I begged, I seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.
“Willow sweetie you’ve gone how long without one? Over a year you really don’t need one,” he said taking a drag.
“I’ve also gone eight weeks without sex so I’m a bit frustrated. And seeing as I’m not gona have the latter any time soon your not gona deny me the pleasure of a ciggy are you?” I said and he caved throwing me the packet. We sat in silence then as we both smoked a cigarette whilst Kevin busied himself with something on his phone.
“How’s Kris?” I asked as I exhaled.
“Good, she said she’s going to stop by tomorrow to see you,” he said looking up to me and squinting as the sun got in his eyes.
“Cool, I’ve got physiotherapy in the morning but anytime after midday is great, I’ll just be sat staring at the same four walls, watching the same mind numbing crap on the TV.”
“Any news on when you can escape?” Jay asked stubbing out the remainder of his cigarette.
“I’m still on the IV drugs to stop me getting the encephalitis, and the antibiotics for the infection from the fucking chest tube they screwed up. They want me to have more physiotherapy as well. I just want to go home and try and get on with things.” I moaned.
“You don’t want to do too much too fast though, you’ll only-”
“Don’t ok? I have it with Nick and everyone else telling me this,” I said cutting Kevin off and then I felt immediately guilty. “Fuck,” I said as I could feel the tears welling up. He got up then and came across to wrap his arms around me.
“Go on vent,” he said pulling back.
“Don’t even think about holding back,” Jay said looking at me over the top of his sunglasses. It took me a few seconds but I wiped the few tears that had spilled away and began. Once I began I couldn’t stop.
“I’m fucking sick of being here, the same four walls, the same crap on the TV, if I want to pee I need someone to help me, if I sneeze someone wants to wipe my nose for me. Everyone is constantly asking if I’m ok, what the fuck do you think? Four weeks ago I was told I only had a slim chance of walking again, and now all I get are looks of pity and sympathy. Nick is driving me crazy, I cant do anything for myself, he’s always there doing it for me when all I want to do is tell him to fuck off, I… I don’t think I’ve done anything to deser… to…am I a bad person?” I said as I sobbed.
Jay got to me first pulling my head into his shoulder as he stroked my back.
“You’re one of the best people I know Willow. One of the best and you don’t deserve this but your strong and your going to get through this. We are going to help you through this,” He said as I cried into his shoulder.
I eventually gained control over myself and pulled away from him.
“Sorry,” I hiccupped.
“Don’t you dare say your sorry. Why have you been holding all this inside?” Kevin scolded.
“I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. I don’t want sympathy, I want things to be how they were before. I’ve never had to rely on anyone for anything and now I cant even go to bathroom by myself do you know how degrading that it? I just want to punch something, scream at the top of my lungs, break things anything to make me feel better.”
“Where’s Jane Carter when you need her?” Jay said I and I just looked at him completely perplexed. “What? I’m sure Nick wouldn’t you mind throwing a few punches.”
That was all it took. I lost it then as I completely laughed my head off, Kevin laughing along with me.
“I have succeeded in making you laugh, my work here is done.”
“Thanks guys. I just can’t help but feel down at the moment. I know I’m not much fun to be around.”
“Are you kidding? Moody women is my speciality sweetie,” Kevin said making me laugh again.
“I am going to tell Kris you said that.”
“Oh trust me she’ll some how know anyway. Anything you want me to get her to bring?”
“Some legs that work? Apart from that I’m pretty good,” I only half joked but neither of them laughed. “Not that funny? C’mon I thought that was pretty funny, tough crowd. How’s Nick?” I asked.
“You see him everyday why are you asking us?” Jay asked checking out a chick as she walked passed and I just rolled my eyes at him.
“FYI they weren’t real. He says he’s fine but have you watched The Hollow? Boy isn’t that good an actor. Has he spoken to either of you?”
“He’s Nick. He doesn’t show emotion very well, no scratch that he tries not to show emotion. He’s got his poker face on at the moment and he has an extremely good one of those.” Kev said before he took a sip of his coffee.
“He’s not liking the apartment all to himself. Other than that he hasn’t really said much about how he’s feeling when we talk its about how you are with him insisting that he’s “cool”. I’ve told him he’s a nerd and he’ll never be cool but he still doesn’t believe me,” Jay joked making me laugh, I knew I could always rely on him for that.
“We’re watching his back you don’t have to worry about that,” Kev reassured. Knowing that made it easier to come to a decision about what I needed to do.
Chapter Ten
I watched wondering where the Willow I knew had gone and whether I was ever going to get her back. She had changed so much over the past three months and I knew she had been through a hell of a lot but I didn’t like it.
She wasn’t even trying today. I knew it, Matt her physiotherapist knew it and she knew it. There was no resistance when he pushed against her legs she just let him move them.
“You can do better than this Willow,” Matt chastised as he paced her leg back down on the bed and wrote something down in the file.
“I’m tired today,” She shrugged. She wasn’t I knew she was lying I just didn’t know why. For that past week things had been going down hill with her. She was moody, irritable, snappy, nasty even. Very un-Willow like and that was starting to scare me. I had seen signs like this before but ignored them and look what that had achieved, a backstreet boy, one of my best friends, hell my brother in rehab. I knew there was no addiction involved but the depression was definitely there.
“Stop lying Will, at least have the decency to be honest.” I didn’t even know where that had come from and from the look she gave me I knew that I had gone to far. Her eyes narrowed as her demeanour changed and her fists clenched.
“FUCK YOU,” she yelled making a few other patients turn and look at her, at us. “You don’t how I’m feeling, and I don’t remember asking you to be here,” she hissed.
“You know what? Your right you didn’t ask me to be here, I’m here because I want to support and help you but I learnt long ago that you cant help people who don’t want to help themselves and I refuse to waste more of my time trying to do that. When your ready to grow up and deal I’ll be back,” I said totally losing my temper. I picked up my car keys and phone as I got up and left the unit.
I just stared at the door that he left through wondering where he got off having an attitude with me. I was the one who this accident had effected not him, he could still walk by himself, he could leave this place when he wanted but I was still stuck here.
“You ready to try again?” Matt asked and I just sighed as he went back to pushing against my leg, knowing I didn’t really have much of a choice.
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“There she is,” I heard a familiar voice say as I was wheeled back into my room.
“Aunty Willow,” Baylee called and I smiled my first genuine smile in a week, funny how kids could take all the pain and frustration away by just calling your name and hugging you like it had been forever since he had last seen you. “I drew you a picture, and I gots you flowers and candy. Can I have some of the candy?” he asked as he thrust all the stuff at me before I even had a chance to say hi back to him.
“Baylee,” Brian scolded but I just laughed at him as I pulled him in for another hug.
“Baylee boo I have missed you. Of course you can have some candy sweetie,” I said opening the box of chocolates and handing it to him.
“Hey trouble. How you doing?” Brian asked as he leaned down to hug me followed by Leighanne doing to same.
“I’ve been better. But hey at least I’m alive right?” I said half smiling, not missing the look that Bri and Leigh shared. “I’ve had a rubbish day, but other than that I’m doing ok,” I assured them as they sat down.
“Where’s Nick?” Brian asked as he quickly took the rest of the candy from Baylee before he ate the lot.
“That’s partly why I’m having a rubbish day, kind of had a fight, I don’t really want to talk about it,” I said looking out of the window, noticing how inviting the world seemed, once I was out of here I was never going to spend a day cooped up inside again if I could help it.
“Mommy I need to go to bathroom,” Baylee said pulling on her sleeve.
“Down the hall to the left,” I said as Leighanne smiled in thanks and I watched them leave.
“You ok? You seem-”
“Pissed off? Your not the first to notice.”
“I know how difficult it is to want to do things, to want to get out of here, I hated it after my surgery, it will get better,” he tried to reassure.
“You sure about that?” He rubbed my arm as he nodded yes. “ It’s just so frustrating Brian, I’m so bored here, daytime TV sucks, I can’t get into reading any books, I’m hardly writing anything and once again I am moaning to someone who has come to see me,” I said sighing.
“What can we do to help?” He asked.
“Spring me out of here?”
“You could sign out and leave.”
“You really think Nick and my folks would allow that?”
“You’re an adult Will, if your really that unhappy then leave.”
“I just don’t want to be here but I don’t want to have to go home and rely on him or anyone else.”
“Here or not your going to need support from somebody, your not going to get through this on your own,” he said and I knew he was right but it was just so difficult to admit that I did need help when I was used to being so independent.
