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“Where are you?” My Dad asked and I looked at him in confusion. Even though I turned twenty seven today I still loved hugs from my Dad and how we would still play stupid games like slapsy from when I was a child. I also knew that if I asked him for a bedtime story he wouldn’t hesitate.

“Sat in your living room in Florida which is in the USA,” I replied.

“In body but not in mind, are you in New York?” He asked sitting down next to me.

“Why would I be in New York?” I asked.

“Nick’s doing promo there, you know -”

“Don’t,” I said cutting him off, going back to watching the TV in front of me but my Step Mom turned it off. “If you guys are going to gang up on me on my birthday then I’m leaving,” I said making a move to get up but he grabbed my arm.

“I have seen one smile from you all day, the Willow I used to know got excited about her birthday at least a month in advance, and definitely wouldn’t shut up about it at all on the day, she would be laughing, and joking and smiling, where is she?”

“You want to know where she is?” I said raising my voice, “She’s long gone, hell she died that night in the accident, at least that’s what I wish had happened.”

“You don’t mean that,” Harriet said.

“Yes I do. I am so sick of everyone. I hate how you all look at me like I’m about to break at any moment or like I’m nothing without him, I’m doing fine without him and he is doing fine without me. He’s obviously over me, he forgot about today,” I yelled wiping away my tears.

“So that’s what today is about, you think he’s over you, that he forgot,” my Dad said as he walked over to the dresser rummaging through a draw until he found what he was looking for.

“Here I got this in the post a few days ago and he called me yesterday asking me to give it to you, I was going to slip it in your purse before you left but you can have it now,” he said handing me the envelope. “Are you going to open it?”

“We’ll be in the kitchen If you need us,” Harriet said pulling my Dad from the room.

I must have sat there for about five minutes just looking at the scrawled addressed envelope before I eventually gathered the courage to open it.

I pulled out the drawing he had done of both of us, both with party hats and me blowing out candles on a birthday cake. All that was written was Happy Birthday Tree and then in the corner in the middle of a love heart was NC and WA. I held it in my hand and let a few tears fall down my cheek and on to the paper.

………………………………..........................................................................................

I checked my phone again for what seemed like the millionth time that day. It was still blank, she still hadn’t called and I was beginning to wonder whether her Dad had been true to his word in giving it to her.

“You know a watched kettle never boils,” Howie said to me as we got into the cab to take us back to the hotel.

“Yeah and people who talk in riddles get a beat down,” I said hitting his arm.

“You send her anything?” He asked.

“What?” I asked trying to make him think I had no idea what he was talking about.

“Don’t play stupid, she’s what twenty six today?” he asked.

“Twenty seven,” I corrected making him grin at me. “So what I remembered her birthday, she is, I mean was my girlfriend,” I said averting my eyes from his.

“She still is,” he said hitting my arm .

“Yeah right, whatever,” I mumbled.

“She’ll come round Nick.”

“Yeah in how many more months or years?” I scoffed.

“Have you called her today? You know maybe you should try, she might want to talk, she might have realised but be to embarrassed to pick up the phone,” he said.

“I doubt it.”

“How will you know if you don’t try?”

………………………………...............................................................................................

“How was your Dad’s?” My Mom asked as I leant my crutches up against the wall so I could take my jacket off.

“Fine,” I replied not looking at her as I began to kick my flip flops off.

“So what did he get you?” She asked rummaging through the gift bag I had bought in with me. I wasn’t quick enough to stop her and she pulled out the rolled up picture Nick had drawn for me. “If it all went under for him musically he could be an artist,” she chuckled looking at it.

“I’m going to bed,” I said picking up my crutches as I began to head towards the stairs.

“I’ve just opened a bottle of wine, come and have a glass with me,” she said pulling my arm.

“I don’t really feel like it.”

“Come on you only turn twenty seven once,” she insisted and I relented following her into the lounge.

“Where’s Ian?” I asked noticing he wasn’t around.

“Working tonight, so what did your Dad get you?” She asked looking through the bag.

“Gift vouchers, and better software so I can produce some tracks on my computer, bath salts,” I shrugged taking a sip of my wine.

“So you had a nice evening with him and Harriet?”

“Yep,” I said pretending I was into the episode of ER that was playing on the TV when really I was just staring at the screen not taking any of it in.

“So how does it feel to be twenty seven?” She asked just like she did every year and I answered the same as I did every year.

“No different.”

“Well I’m going to bed,” she said getting up and kissing my head, “You be okay getting up the stairs by yourself?” She asked and I nodded my head yes. “Night night sweetie,” she said walking towards the door and then she turned quickly, “Oh before I forget there’s a message for you on the machine.”

I finished the rest of my wine before I hobbled over to the TV without my crutches, I was definitely getting more stable on my own two feet now. I walked across to the phone and the red light was blinking just as I knew it would be, so I pressed the button to listen to it, not at all prepared for what I heard.

“Hey beautiful,“ the moment I heard his voice I started to crumble. “I know you’ve asked me not to contact you but I couldn’t leave today so I hope you’ve had a good birthday baby,” I could hear from his voice that he was getting emotional and that made me cry even harder. “I…I wish I could be there with you, I miss you so much baby, so, so much and I love you,” he sniffed and I slid down the wall I was resting against putting my head in my hands. “I’m still at the same number and you can call whenever you like even if it’s like three am, it would be nice to hear your voice. So er Happy birthday, Love you,” he said one last time before blowing me a kiss and then hanging up leaving me to sob into my hands.

“Oh Willow,” My Mom sighed as she tried to pull me into her but I pushed her away.

“Don’t. You knew, you knew it was him and you let me listen. I hate you and dad for meddling with my life, just leave me alone,” I yelled as I struggled to get up. “Get off me,” I said pushing her when she tried to help me.

“You may hate me Willow but right now I am all you’ve got,” she said watching me retreat to the study. “You’ve managed to push a lot of people away but don’t you dare even think for even one second you will succeed in doing it to me,” she yelled as I slammed the door.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Eighteen

“WILLOW!” Someone shouted my name and I turned my head looking over the crowded Starbucks. I spotted him straight away and smiled as I grabbed my drink and walked towards him. Luckily my drink was in a take out cup otherwise it would have gone everywhere when he pulled me into a bear hug. He held me for the longest time and I squeezed back, Kevin always knew how to give great hugs.

“How are you?” he asked sitting down and I followed suit. I was about to answer when I noticed the stroller with the baby inside and got distracted.

“Kev he’s gorgeous,” I said pulling the blanket back so I could get a better look at the bundle inside. He smiled proudly.

“I know, thank you for his outfits,” he said lifting her out and handing him to me.

“Hi Mason,” I said as I gladly took him for a cuddle.

“So stranger, how you been?” He asked.

“Good, finally starting to get my life back in order,” I said my eyes never leaving the baby. He was quiet for a while and I finally looked up to him. He was studying me intently.

“Anyone ever tell you how crap you are at lying?”

“Kev, please don’t,” I said trying to keep composed but I could start to feel tears prick at my eyes.

“For a women who was told she had little chance of walking again you sure strutted your way in here,” he said changing the subject to for which I was grateful.

“I know, no one ever tells me I can’t do anything,” I said smiling.

“Yeah especially Nick,” he said and I knew that it was an honest mistake. “I…sorry.”

“Don’t be, so how is the new Mommy?” I asked as Mason grabbed on to my finger with his whole hand.

“Good, she is having some alone time this afternoon so she’s probably sleeping,” he said with a smile.

“Exhausted then?” I asked and he nodded. “I could just take you home, yes I could, I might try and slip you in my purse,” I said as she stared up at me and Kev laughed.

“So you still at your Mom’s?” He asked.

“Oh yes but not for much longer, found a new place, just an apartment and there‘s a possibility of some work for the winter but your not privy enough to know,” I said winking at him.

“Aww tell me, you can’t say something like that then not tell me.”

“I’ve been head hunted by a well known person in the industry for a TV show that he does, I can’t say anymore, I’m sure that tid bit will end up on Perez now,” I said and he laughed. We both sat quietly for a while and I studied Mason, would I crave for one so much if I knew that I could have them? Or was it that evil circle of you know you can’t have it so you want all the more? He was this perfect being part of both Kevin and Kris, I could see traits of both of them in him, what would our children have looked like? Would they have had Nick’s stupid sense of humour?

“He misses you,” I snapped my head up and looked at him. “Hear me out ok? I know you have been dealt a raw deal Will and I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you but surely being away from him isn’t making you feel any better? He needs you and I know that you need him, do you not see how miserable you are making not only him but yourself and you really don’t have to. I know you’re trying to protect him but your not, your punishing yourself for something that you have no control over.”

“Kev I really don’t want to get into this,” I said as I put the baby back in the stroller.

“Sweetie, don’t push him away, your going to regret it everyday for the rest of your life,” he said grabbing on to my arm as I stood up.

“Tell Kris I said hi, I’ll try and stop by to see her soon, bye Kev,” I said as I pulled my arm from his grasp and walked away as he called my name.

I didn’t realise I was holding my breath until I reached outside and when I went to take another one a sob escaped my lips making a few people turn to look at me. I quickly pulled my sunglasses from the top of my head and put them across my eyes in a futile attempt to hide from the world, or was I trying to hide from myself? I walked down the street to my car and when I reached it I had to dig through my bag for the keys.

I sat inside and threw my bag into the passenger seat, then put the keys in the ignition but I couldn’t bring myself to turn it on. I just sat there and cried.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Nineteen

The door opened and he took one look at me before pulling me into a hug and I sobbed. He didn’t say anything just stood at the door and rocked me back and forth as I cried.

“I’m sorry,” I said as I gained some composure and pulled back from him to wipe my eyes, the mascara that had run making them sting.

“Don’t be, come in,” he said as he led me into the kitchen where Kris was stood heating up a bottle for wailing Mason. She looked up a big smile crossing her face.

“Hey,” she said coming over and hugging me as best she could with a one month old in her arms. “Here cuddle,” she said handing over her son as she removed the bottle from the hot water and tested it. I sat down at the table and rocked him slightly to try and calm him but it didn’t seem to work. He knew what he needed and he wasn’t going to stop crying till he got and I totally understood how he was feeling. All day ever since I had seen Kevin I hadn’t been able to stop crying, I just kept thinking about him, all the stuff I was missing with him.

She handed me the bottle and I placed it to his lips and instantly he was calm, suckling contently on the bottle. And I just started crying again. Kevin was at beside me and rubbed my arm.

“Sorry,” I apologised as I sniffled.

“Stop it, its good to see you, I’d ask how you were but…” I laughed at her comment and she smiled.

“I miss him, and… I don’t … I can’t do this anymore.”

“Hallelujah,” Kevin said and Kris hit his arm. “What? It’s about time, sorry Will but it is,” He said and I smiled knowing that he was right.

“I love him, I was trying to protect him but I don’t want to be alone anymore I don’t want to be without him,” I said stroking Masons tiny hand that was gripped onto mine that held his bottle.

“Why are you here Will?” Kris asked pushing a stray strand of hair away from my face.

“Because…I…cause.”

“He’s not going to say no sweetie, you could wait fifty years and he would still take you back,” Kevin said as if he could read my fears straight from my head.

“Part of me knows that but… I’m so confused right now, I want to be with him but I think I’m being selfish because I can’t give him what he wants but I love him so much, I really do,” I said trying to make them see why I had done what I had done.

“You are not being selfish, he wants you Willow and nothing else. Do you know how difficult it was to get him to leave the ICU? Damn near impossible, he was so scared he was going to loose you after the accident. If he had of lost you Willow I don’t think he would be here,” Kris said.

“I’m such a bitch he was nothing but supportive and there for me and I pushed him away. God I’ve pushed everyone away and I feel so alone,” I said crying again. Kevin took Mason then and Kris pulled me into a massive cuddle rubbing my back in a circular motion to try and comfort me.

“Willow honey, you are not alone you hear me?” She said pulling back after few minutes. “Everyone is here for you, Kev and me, Bri and Leigh, Howie and Leigh, Jay, Your folks, Autumn and most of all Chunk or not so chunky as I like to call him now,” she said taking my hand and squeezing it.

“Why?” I asked wondering what she was going on about.

“He’s lost quite a bit of weight. I don’t think he was eating properly when you were in the hospital and he’s been going to the gym a lot. I think he was going because he didn’t want to be at home by himself,” Kev said as he burped Mason.

“Is he okay?” I asked concerned.

“Physically he’s in the best shape he’s ever been in. Mentally and emotionally he’s a bit like you,” he replied.

“I don’t know what I can do to make it right, it’s so difficult, I don’t even know where to start, what to tell him.”

“Tell him that you love him, tell him you made a mistake,” Kevin said and it was all so simple.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Twenty

My back was killing me and that was reason enough to want to inflict some pain on the holier than thou receptionist in front of me.

“I’m sorry I can’t give you that information, it’s confidential,” she said sweetly but I was sure I saw a hint of an evil grin.

“Look they are either here or at one other hotel I just need to know, I’m his girlfriend,” I sighed rubbing my back. Maybe they weren’t here, there was no tell tale sign of fans anywhere in the lobby but then again that could just mean that they had followed him to the radio station.

“Like I said I can’t give away information like that.”

“I want to speak to a member of the management then,” I nearly hissed as I dropped my bag to the floor.

“M’am there really is no need for that, they will just tell you what I have.”

“Well I’d like to hear it from them so if you wouldn’t mind giving them a call,” I said picking up the phone and she snatched it from me before dialling.

Ten minutes later I was seated in the managers office.

“What can I do for you Miss Abrams?” He asked taking a seat across from me resting his hands on the desk in front of him.

“I need to know whether a Nick Carter is staying here, he’s my boy…” I stopped myself short as I didn’t know whether he still was my boyfriend. “I came here to find him to apologise he’s either here or at one other hotel down the road.”

“I can tell you that no one under that name has checked in,” he said over annunciating so insinuating that he was here just under a pseudonym. That created more problems in itself, Nick had a habit of creating stupid ones that were difficult to remember. This was going to take some extreme thinking.

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Four hours later I had his room number but I couldn’t face him. I sat in the room that I booked wondering what I could say to him, what words would be enough, whether I would be able to speak at all when I saw him.

Would it be like Kevin had suggested? Or would he have moved on? Would today finally be the day that he had gotten over me?

There was a knock at the door and I stupidly thought it was him, that somehow he knew I was here, that maybe Kevin had called him to give him a heads up. Feeling ill I went to retrieve it only to be disappointed when it I realised it was the room service I had ordered. I moved aside so he could push the trolley in and I went to retrieve my purse for a tip and that when I heard his voice.

I turned slowly expecting to see him in the room but it was just the bell boy, I could still hear him though but his voice was getting further away, he must have been walking passed the door, down the hallway. I handed the guy the tip and he smiled graciously as he took it.

“Enjoy your dinner,” he said as he retreated from the room and shut the door.

I sat down on the bed and looked at the food beautifully displayed before me and suddenly I wasn’t hungry anymore, I knew where I had to go, what I needed to do. I grabbed my flip flops and attached them to my feet and then stood up and looked at myself in the full length mirror, I looked like a complete mess but I knew for a fact that would get worse when I saw him and my eyes were still hurting from the mascara that had ran in to them yesterday, I didn’t want that again today. I took a deep breath in and slowly released it and then headed towards the door.

It only took me about three minutes to find his room but I think I stood there for about five before I finally mustered up the courage to actually knock. I took another deep breath and bought my hand up to the door but just as I was about to knock it opened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Twenty One

Lately I’ve been thinking about the things we’ve been through

And I don’t know if I’d be here if not for you

I had to take a little time to try to work things out

And you should know that I had never meant to let you down

Cause I, I want to tell you that I’m sorry

And I, I

His brown eyes were filled with confusion when he saw me and I think the shock and frustration of seeing him rather than who I had came to see started the tears. He pulled me into the room quickly and wrapped his arms around me in a hug.

“He’s next door,” he said as he pulled away and sat on the arm of the couch. “Said he’s going to take a shower, I’ve got the spare key card to his room cause well you know how he is with losing things,” he said smiling at me and I nodded chucking slightly as I took it from his hand and sighed. “Just remember he loves you,” he said as he guided me towards the door.

Once again I found myself outside a door and my hand was shaking so bad that I knew I wouldn’t be able to swipe the card. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and just let my hand feed the card through. I heard the lock click and pushed the handle down, praying that he was still in the shower.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath smelling the scent of him and it soothed me. The clothes he had put my box of things had lost his smell a few weeks back and I remembered crying myself to sleep when I realised that. The small living area was a complete mess, clothes everywhere, c.d’s and magazines strewn about the place and I just rolled my eyes thinking how certain things would never change. I quietly walked towards the next doorway but couldn’t hear the shower running but I couldn’t hear any other noise or movement either. I pushed down slowly on the door handle and my breath caught in my throat when I saw him.

 

Even when I’m not giving enough

And I’m taking too much

You’re still there for me

And even when I got nothing at all

And I’m ready to fall

You’re still there for me

There for me

There for me

Even when I can’t be there for you

You’re always there for me

 

It had been twenty four weeks; four days and seven hours since I had seen him last. He was snoring slightly, his mouth open, curled up on his side. I stared at him for ages noticing how skinny he looked, not that I would have called him fat before, I also noticed how stressed he looked even in sleep, his fists were clenched, his brow furrowed and he had bags under his eyes.

I was the cause of that.

I had made him feel this way because I had been to selfish to let him in to be able to understand how I was feeling and I felt the tears spring to my eyes. I slowly walked towards him hoping he would stay sleeping a while longer while I built up the courage to be able to talk to him when he was awake. I gently sat beside him and he stirred lightly at the movement of the bed but didn’t wake.

Sometime I know I can be so hard to understand

Even when I’m lost you show me who I really am

Life with me hasn’t always been an easy ride

But with you I’ve learned to loose my selfish pride

Cause I, I want to tell you that I’m sorry

And I, I

“Nicky I’m so sorry,” I heard someone whisper as I felt a hand weave through my hair. I sighed lightly and opened my eyes to a silhouette of someone, even half asleep I knew who it was, there was no mistaking it was her so again I must have been dreaming. How many times I had dreamt abut her this week? It was getting harder and harder every time I woke up alone but when I felt her brush my cheek I knew this time it was real.

“Willow?” I croaked and she whipped her hand away looking at me like a dear caught in headlights. This wasn’t a dream, she was really here. I sat up but was pushed back down as she threw herself at me clinging on to my waist and soaking me with her sobs. I pulled her close trying to soothe her. “Shhh, its ok, its ok,” I whispered rocking her back and forth but her sobs didn’t stop instead they got harder as she tried pulling me even closer and I knew that she needed this so I just let her cry.

Even when I’m not giving enough

And I’m taking too much

You’re still there for me

And even when I got nothing at all

And I’m ready to fall

You’re still there for me

There for me

There fore m e

Even when I can’t be there for you

You’re always there for me

After a while her sobs died out and were replaced by the sounds of her even breathing against my chest and I knew that she had exhausted herself and fallen asleep but I didn’t care, she was here and that was all that mattered. I gently moved so that my back was propped up against the pillows and just watched her as she slept.

She looked so peaceful snuggled up against me and I was reminded of mornings when I used to wake up before her and just watch as she slept, it had been so long since we had done this. I kissed her head lightly offering up a silent thanks to God for bringing her back into my life. Now she was here I wasn’t going to let her go again.

Melissa Schuman Feat Nick Carter – There for Me.