I opened the door and was stunned at who I saw the other side.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Nice to see you too,” Aaron said dropping his shoulder bag so it landed on top of his case. I pulled him into a hug then, he looked like he needed it. “Can I come in?” he asked and that’s when I realised that we were still in the hall of the hotel. I stepped aside to let him through, realising how much he reminded me of Nick at that age.
I followed him through the suite into the living area where he was quick to flop down on the couch and pull his hat down over his face, he was exactly like Nick. The hat was used as a barrier to cover their true feelings, or to try and hide them from everyone else, I didn’t have the heart to tell either of them that it didn’t work very well. I knew from past experience that I was going to have to broach the subject of why he had flown thousands of miles to see me when we hadn’t really spoken in months, I didn’t even realise that he knew Nick and I were back together.
“AC?” I asked making sure he was still awake, that hat trick was sometimes used for that as well.
“Sorry to barge in on you, I just needed to get away for a bit. Nick said that he was coming back from Spain tomorrow and that I should met him here, he said he’d call you.”
He had called but before he could talk to me properly we had ended up having phone sex and then he had to go and had obviously forgotten to tell me about the impending visit of his brother.
“He didn’t but you know your always welcome, want to talk about why you had to get away?” I asked sitting in the arm chair across from him bringing my knees up so I could hug them.
“Mom,” he said throwing his hat so that it rested on the coffee table between us. That one word was all I needed to hear, I didn’t need any explanation of what she had done and I knew whatever I said wouldn’t make a slight bit of difference. She had seriously burnt some major bridges with these boys. Whenever I said Mom it was filled with happiness and love and would often bring a smile to my face, when they sad it their whole demeanour would change, you could literally see their backs going up and hear the venom in their voices and I felt bad not only for them but for her as well. What must her life be like knowing that her sons didn’t respect her, hated talking about her?
“You needed to see your big brother and instead your stuck with me.”
“You’ll do till he gets here,” he said making me chuckle.
“That’s good to know, so what do you want to do till he gets here?” I asked and that’s when I followed his eyes to the guitar propped up in the corner.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“No I like that, its good,” Aaron said as I sang back what we had been working on for the past hour.
“Yeah? You think he’ll like it? It’s not too corny?” I asked.
“Nah he’ll love it, he’s said that you guys still haven’t really gotten into the depths of stuff yet but I think what your doing is good it definitely describes how you were feeling and stuff and he’ll understand.”
“How was he you know…when…did he talk to you?” I asked propping the guitar against the couch while I sat on the coffee table.
“Heartbroken, depressed, very scary,” he said.
“Scary as in how?”
“Just really quiet and then he would explode. I only saw him a few times because they were so busy recording but I was worried about him, it was like someone had flicked a switch in him and he really didn’t give a crap about anything, he hated going to work but he hated being at home, Will don’t cry,” he said coming over to me so he could wrap me in a hug.
“Sorry. Everyone must think I’m heartless to do that to him, Angel hates me doesn’t she? She’s always been protective of Nick,” I said sniffing back tears.
“You may get a bit of a talking to but she’s always loved you.”
“God you come here because your hurting and I make it all about me,” I said wiping my eyes and he just shrugged as he picked up the guitar and began strumming, he had really improved from when I had first begun teaching him and his voice had improved dramatically. “Glad to see you’ve stopped smoking,” I said and he looked puzzled. “Your voice sounds so much better and Nick’s improved when he gave up.”
“Do you think you and Nick will be together forever?” He asked me suddenly, totally catching me off guard.
“That’s a difficult question to answer, if you had asked me last year then I probably would have said yes but nothing is ever a sure thing. I would like to think that we will grow old together but after the year we’ve had, its just taught me a lot.”
“I…I think when you left that he felt like he had failed, that he was going to end up like Mom and Dad. He kept saying that he didn’t want to be on his own, that he was nothing without you. Your not going to leave him again are you?”
“I’m not planning to. I don’t think I could find someone who understands me as much as he does and I love him Aaron I really do, that’s why I left because I loved him so much and I know it sounds like some crap you see in a billion chick flicks but it’s the truth.”
“I just don’t want to end up on my own, I want to find someone and be happy with them,” he said lightly strumming the guitar.
“Aaron your not even twenty yet. I have also learnt that life is for living and that you only have one shot at it, you don’t have to grow up so fast,” I said throwing a discarded ball of paper at him.
“Yeah but life’s also really short Will, I thought you would understand that.”
He was right, so, so right. I had to relent then but I didn’t know what to say to him, something else was clearly on his mind but he wasn’t up for sharing at least with me.
……………………………….........................................................................................
It was three fifteen in the morning and I tried to be quiet as I climbed into the bed beside her but as I moved to put my phone onto the nightstand I knocked the lamp off sending it crashing to the floor.
“Nickkkkkkkk,” she whined moving her head to try and look at me through the darkness.
“Sorry,” I whispered as I tried to get comfortable under the covers. I wrapped myself around her body but she pushed me away.
“Don’t your cold.”
“So warm me up,” I leered and she turned over then so her body was facing mine, I could only just make out that her eyes were open in the darkness but I could tell that her expression wouldn’t have been a happy one.
“There’s an extra blanket in the closet,” she said through a yawn.
“Baby that’s not what I meant.”
“I know what you meant but it’s three am and I have to be up early.”
“Are mad at me for coming to bed so late?” I asked.
“No dickwad, I’m tired and I have to be up early. Your brother needed you. I’m pissed that you woke me up.”
“I didn’t mean to, I just can’t be quiet you should know that by now,” I said throwing one of my legs across hers.
“Yeah, is he ok?”
“No but he will be. You don’t mind if he hangs here for a while do you?” I asked as she ran her hand across my stomach.
“No its fine.”
Chapter Twenty nine
“Sucks to be Willow,” Aaron said as we watched from backstage. It was a tie between the other judges, she had the casting vote, she had to decide who to send home. Both acts had been poor tonight but overall there were worse acts in the competition that deserved to go home instead and I could tell that was what she was thinking as she looked from one to the other.
She had close ties with everyone that was in the show and I knew that she was always going to hate this part of the competition, she never liked to let anyone down, she didn’t like critiquing people, she wanted everyone to succeed, she wanted everyone to get the chance that she had been given. Unfortunately not everyone could win in this world, there always had to be a loser and right now she had to decide who that was going to be.
“Willow I need an answer from you,” Dermot prompted and she sighed running her hands through her perfectly done hair. It amazed me how much she transformed every Saturday night, the makeup was always perfect as was her hair and she had even worn dresses. She looked stunning but then again she could be wearing jeans and one of my t-shirts and still look great just lounging around at home, that was one of the things that I loved about her because I knew that if she could be wearing pyjamas out there then she would be.
She kept looking at the two acts with apologetic eyes and then she kept looking straight at the camera. She knew I was here watching, if I had been behind her I had no doubt that she would have turned to ask my opinion but I would have been no use either it was a really difficult decision to make.
The one time he decided to sit in the green room was the one time I needed him the most. This decision was so difficult I was about to shatter someone’s world, scupper their chances at winning this competition. I had worked with both acts and they were equally as talented vocally, they were both very confident, had amazing stage presence. I did agree with the public though, both performances had not been up to par tonight and that’s why they were in front of me with pleading eyes.
“Willow if you don’t make a decision in the next minute we will see who got the lowest phone votes,” Dermot said again and I sighed closing my eyes so I didn’t have to look at them.
“Okay. The reason I’m sending home the act tonight is because I think the other person will have more credibility as a writer and I’ve seen them improve a lot since we first met and I think that given the chance they are going to get a lot better. So The act I am sending home tonight is……I’m really sorry but I’m going to have to send you home Future Proof,” I said looking to them and I hated it when their faces fell. “I’m really sorry.”
The boos I received died down after a few seconds but I knew that I wasn’t going to be liked for a while.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“You sent home the boy band?” Aaron said shaking me when I reached my dressing room. “You do realise your saying boy bands suck so in essence your say Nick sucks,” he joked.
“We’re not a boy band,” I heard Nick yell from the bathroom.
“No your geriatrics,” Aaron called back and I could tell this was going to turn into a wrestling match as soon as Nick was done. I sat down on the couch and removed the heels from my feet, rubbing the soles to relieve some of the pressure that had built up whilst I had been standing backstage talking to Future Proof. I couldn’t count the number of times I had apologised but I knew I would kick myself if I had let Leon go.
As I predicted Aaron was in a headlock within seconds of Nicks departure from the bathroom.
“Say Uncle,” Nick was yelling as he tussled Aaron’s hair.
“But your not my Uncle you’re a geriatric from the Gerrystreet,” he said and I cracked up laughing. It was good to see them like this, just acting like brothers they were both just so relaxed and I wished that they had been like this whilst filming House of Carters. Maybe it was because Aaron had grown up a bit, or maybe Nick had realised that he couldn’t always protect his brother and that he needed to make mistakes so he could learn from them. Nick and I had both made a lot of mistakes over the past few years.
“Say it.”
“Nick I can’t breath.”
“Say it.”
“Nick.”
“SAY. IT,” Nick yelled.
“IT!!!!!” Aaron yelled back and Nick laughed letting go of his brother.
“Man Nick I think you cracked my neck or something,” Aaron said rubbing it slightly.
“Hey it’s the wicked witch, death to all boy bands,” Nick mocked as he sat down next to me and I hit him in the shoulder, I already felt bad enough I didn’t need him to make me feel guilty as well. “I was just joking.”
“I made the right decision didn’t I?”
“I would have said no to them too, they were really off tonight and from what you say none of them can really write.”
“Neither could you when you first started, I just I think Leon has more credibility and he’s come such a long way since this first started.”
“Stop second guessing yourself, its done now and you cant change it now come on we are going out,” he said pulling me up from the couch.
“Where?” I asked.
“Funky Buddha and Aaron is paying,” Nick said.
“What?!” Aaron yelled from the floor where he was still laying.
………………………………..........................................................................................
I could feel my head pounding, my mouth was dry this was going to be one fucking hell of a hangover. I groaned when I moved because I swear that my brain hit the wall of my skull then rebounded off it. I tried to get comfortable again so that I could sleep this off but the pounding in my head just wouldn’t go away and I knew I needed to pop some pain meds. I opened my eyes and expected Willow to either be asleep or to look like me, a wreck. But the bed was empty, her side a mess of sheets she had way more to drink then me last night there was no way she could be up and functioning.
I pulled myself up and sat on the edge of the bed for a few minutes so that the room would stop spinning and when I finally was able to I stood up and headed for the bathroom. I brushed my teeth to get rid of the furry feeling and then hunted for some pain killers but when I came up short I realised she must have taken them in to the living area. That meant that I would have to go out there now, which also meant putting on at least a pair of shorts.
“I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..
That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late.”
I must have made a sound because he stopped singing and then a few seconds later Willow stopped playing the guitar.
“Don’t stop on my account,” I yawned as I walked further into the room rubbing my eyes before I slumped down onto the sofa.
“Bad head baby?” She asked smiling at me. How in the hell could she coordinate herself? I had trouble putting one foot in front of the other this morning but she looked like she had showered and everything. She was slumming it in one of my t-shirts and a pair of boxers, her hair was still wet but she didn’t look like she was going to hurl at any moment which is exactly what I felt like.
“I told you to drink some water and take a pain killer before you went to bed last night but you didn’t listen.”
“Mainly because when you did it you spilled half the glass of water over the bed,” I said moving my head to quickly to look at her causing pain to rip through it. “Baby doll you know how much I love you?” I asked.
“What do you want?” She said.
“A glass of water and an aspirin? The ability to say no to shots,” I groaned closing my eyes trying to block some of the light out.
“The first two I can do, the second one you have to work on your self,” She said getting up from the coffee table where she liked to perch herself when she wrote or played the guitar. If there wasn’t a coffee table when she was writing she was screwed.
When I came back from the small kitchen area Nick was still laying face down on the couch but Aaron was nowhere to be seen and I managed to hold in a small sigh. I loved Nick I really did but he had the worst possible timing, just as Aaron was opening up to me slightly Nick had abruptly put an end to it.
“Here,” I said nudging him slightly and he moved cautiously so not to make the pain in his head worse. He guzzled the whole glass after taking the aspirin and then closed his eyes as he went back against the cushions waiting for relief to come. “Where’s Airboy?” I asked.
“Shower.”
“He’s really pissed at your Mom.”
“Yeah.”
“Has she tried calling you about it?”
“No.”
“Have you called her to see what’s going on?”
“No.”
“Can you form more than one word in a sentence Nick?” I said starting to get a bit frustrated.
“Let him deal with it Willow you don’t want to get involved.”
“I might not want to get involved but its obviously bugging him enough to come over here to see you about it. He knows that you and your Mom don’t have the best relationship so why is he here? What’s going on?” I asked.
“Ask him.”
I threw a pillow at him then, frustrated with his caginess but he threw it straight back.
“Nick.”
“Willow,” He countered.
“Why are you avoiding this? Talk to me.”
“It’s my Mom what is there to say? She’s been screwing with his head only this time she’s gone to far and he’s had enough of her, same story different son.”
“She’s never going to learn is she?” I said and he shook his head no, like it didn’t bother him and I suppose that over the years he had come to expect nothing less. I knew well enough to leave it at that, if I tried to get anymore information he would either clam up for the rest of the day or we’d end up fighting about it, neither of which I wanted. “I have something for you,” I said picking up my guitar and he looked over at me.
“What would that be?” I asked but she put her fingers to her lips before she bought her hand down to start strumming.
Looking for beauty in a certain
Finding the strength inside a gray
Maybe I'm heading for a breakdown
And maybe that's ok
Could be that I'm hanging on for dear life
Maybe you need to get a grip
Cause you're the only one
That makes me feel like this
Save me I'm falling again
Keep me from
Breaking in a million pieces
In the end no matter what I do
There's nowhere (nowhere to go)
Nowhere to go but you (yeah, yeah)
By the second verse her eyes were just shut, like if she looked at me she would break. I knew that feeling all to well. I knew she had been working on something for me because every time she had been paying and I walked in she would immediately stop. Her notebooks were also off limits, usually she wouldn’t care if I looked, she’d joke that I was trying to steal her ideas when really I was looking to see what was going on in her head. Before the accident most of her notebooks were filled with happy things, Autumn had told me that she couldn’t write after she broke it off, like she had hit a wall or something. I guess that had all changed since then as she had three notebooks filled with ideas.
Tryin to make nothing
Out of Something
Promise myself I wouldn't care
Maybe you're making me a liar
Cause I'm sitting here
Finally cracking my resistance
And find a way to wear me down
I just look at you
And there's no way out
Save me I'm falling again (yeah)
Keep me from breaking in a million pieces
In the end no matter what I do (oh no no)
There's nowhere (nowhere to go)
Nowhere to go but
It amazed me how she could write like she did, she had never been one to sit down at a table and just write, she never woke up and said today I’m going to write a song. It was all impromptu and spur of the moment. We’d be in bed at go knows what hour and she’s be writing something down on a scrap piece of paper, Autumn said when they were out clubbing she had sat in the ladies room and wrote some words down on toilet paper whilst banging the beat out with her hands against the side of the stall.
I think that’s why she was struggling to work with the contestants, song writing wasn’t something you could teach, you couldn’t just sit there with a pen and write for hours, it had to come within. You couldn’t just say I’ll write for an hour and then go and do something else, if something struck you, you had to go with it, regardless of what else you were doing, it became your life. That’s what had happened with Willow.
I had been fifteen when I met her and she was already well accomplished on both the keyboards and the guitar and she had already written two amazing songs that would get the artist number ones. But her confidence had been her Achilles heel, something that still had a slight hold on her even today.
Every single road I take (it's you)
Asleep or wide awake (it's you)
And it's too late for anyone to save me
I'm falling again
Keep me from breakin in a million pieces
In the end no matter what I do
There's no where, no where to go
Save me I'm falling again, falling again
Keep me from breakin in a million pieces
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
In the end no matter what I do (what I do)
There's no where, no where to go
Nowhere to go but you
She opened her eyes when she had finished but her face was neutral, she was trying to guess my take on it. I had loved it, she may have been crap at verbalising her feelings when we just talked but I was the same and I always knew that I would eventually find out how she was feeling.
“Thank you,” I said smiling to her and she threw me a lopsided grin as she put her guitar down and moved across so she could hug me. I pulled her closer into my body and kissed her soundly making her moan when I pulled away.
“Someone’s up,” she said cocking her eyebrow at me when she could feel my erection through my shorts.
“Race you to the bedroom,” I said jumping up and pushing her back into the couch.
Nowhere to Go - Backstreet Boys
Chapter Thirty
“What can I say guys? You guys took a fun song, a song that I love because it is pure cheese and you made it even cheesier which I didn’t think was possible, I loved it. It wasn’t the best vocal we’ve heard from you but it was extremely entertaining and I would rather go to an entertaining show where there were a few missed notes over a boring show any day,” I said making them smile even more and the audience cheer.
“Watching the play back from Saturday?” I asked as I walked into one of the rooms we were using for rehearsals.
“Yeah, I see what you mean about missing a few notes now, but you liked the show?” Sarah asked.
“Of course, I love stuff like that, I wish Nick would do more stuff like that, I’d be in heaven,” I said setting down my notebook on the table.
“I’ve been to their shows, they put on a good one,” she said sitting down next to me.
“A fan are you? Have you met Nick yet?” I asked.
“No, he sat in on Leon’s session with you. Is he coming back over? It must be difficult being away from him.”
“He’ll be back Friday so he’ll be here for the final show, I’ll introduce you then,” I said and her eyes lit up. “Now three songs this week, you think your up for it?” I said.
“We’re up for whatever you throw at us,” Sean said.
“Okay we already know one is going to be Any Dream Will Do with Jason, and you know that one so we don’t really need to concentrate on that today, you can do that in rehearsals with him on Wednesday. Then there’s the Christmas one, I was thinking an up-tempo, any ideas to what one?” I asked looking at them both.
“We’ve been talking and it’s either All I want for Christmas or Rocking around the Christmas Tree,” Sean answered.
“All I want for Christmas, its harder to sing but will showcase your voices better. Third thing on the agenda your song,” I said looking to them, song writing was not their strong suit and they both knew it, out of about three there was one that was barely passable. “To be honest guys I have to say this will be your weakest area, Louie will go straight for the throat on this one. You know I love you and song writing is something that improves over time, your just going to have to be perfect in the other two areas okay?” I said and they both nodded eagerly.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“If I could hold you close
Like you were never gone
If I could hear your voice
You'd tell me to be strong
But sometimes
I just can't
I just don't understand
Why you had to go
Why you had to go
I guess I'll never know.”
He sang with such passion in rehearsal and sometimes that just wasn’t conveyed in the live shows. I watched him sing as I strummed on the guitar looking to Sharon who was nodding her head in approval.
“Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be OK
Till you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again
The same again
Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hand
In your hand
Change
If I could get to you
I feel it in the air
My world don't make no sense
If I'm without you in it.”
Writing with him had been a breath of fresh air, he had all these ideas about what he wanted to right, it came from all the emotion in side of him, what he had been through in his life and it was bursting to get out. In essence he had also helped me get out more of my feelings and put them onto paper and I knew there were a few more songs that I had written about Nick and I. I just had to find a creative way of sharing them with him.
“And sometimes
I just find
Can't deny
Don't know why
Why'd you have to go?
Why'd you have to go?
And leave me here alone
And leave me here alone
Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be OK
Till you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again
The same again
Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hand
In your hand
Change
You don't see it coming
Change
When the future comes knocking
It changed
It can make you or break you too
You'd just have to make it through
(You'd just have to make it through)
Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be OK
Till you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again
The same again
Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hand
In your hand
Change
Change, change
Change, change.”
He finished the final note, and looked at Sharon and I. Sharon then turned to me a neutral expression on her face, she was so good at that, no one ever knew whether she liked a performance or hated it, I on the other hand was the total opposite, it was written all over my face.
“Willow, Willow,” She sighed. “You know what? I think fighting for him was a bloody good decision,” She said turning to him and smiling widely making him mirror her.
“You liked it?” He asked.
“I bloody loved it, you should be proud of yourself,” she said reaching over to give him a kiss on the cheek.
“Just do it like that on the night Leon,” I said to him. “Now that’s all sorted we need to decide what song your going to sing when you do your duet.”
Change - Sugababes
