"A letter." Nick didn't know what was best but he knew he would
want to see the letter is he was in Aj's shoes.

"From whom?" Brian and Howie were shocked at how lifeless AJ's
voice sounded.

"It was with Ashley at the hospital." Nick walked to Aj and handed
him the letter. He watched as tears welled in his eyes and he instantly
started to rethink his decision.

"Thank you." Aj replied without looking up. They watched him as
he crossed the room and sat down on the couch. They watched his
expression as he pulled the letter out and started to read it. Nick
regretted his decision when Aj hung his head and sobbed loudly as he
finished the letter.

"Aj?" Nick was the first to speak. He went to his side and sat down
on the couch beside him and wrapped his arm around his friend's
shoulder.

"I am so stupid." Aj's words were distorted by his sobs.

"No you aren't."

"You don't know! You don't know what I did." Aj yelled standing
from the couch and moving to the french doors.

"What do you mean?" Nick stood and followed Aj.

"I killed her."

"No you didn't!" Brian and Howie exclaimed at the same time.

"It's all in here. I killed her." Aj shoved the letter into Nick's hand
and turned his attention back to the window his tears quiet now.

Nick stared at his friend as he lifted the letter and started to read.

Dear Alex,

           I'm writing this letter in the hopes that it will give me the
strength to tell you what has happened. I know I should be stronger and
fight back on this but I don't know that I can.

I'm sorry for never telling you what happened. I know I should have
been able to tell you anything, after everything we've been through, but I
just couldn't stand to see the hurt in your eyes. I didn't want to bring you a
memory you didn't have. Maybe you weren't supposed to remember it. I
wanted to remember us as we were when we were younger.

Alex, four months ago we did something together that I will never
forget. When you came to my door that night I knew you were drunk, that
was obvious, but my need for you was so great that I couldn't turn you
away. I welcomed you into my home, my bed and my heart forever.

What I didn't expect was that you would not remember any of it the
next morning. I don't hold that against you, I've done things that I don't
remember when I've been drunk too. But a few weeks later I found that I
was pregnant.

To be honest I didn't know how to tell you, so I didn't. I took the
coward's way out and I'm so sorry to admit that I aborted our child. For a
while I thought I was okay, that I was going to make it through this but
slowly the guilt and the sadness set in and it's slowly eaten away at me.

I can't explain the anguish that I am feeling knowing that I killed a
helpless child. Let alone our child. I am so sorry. I wish I would have told
you, and let you know. The dreams are killing me, and as I watch you I
can't handle it any more.

Alex I'm so sorry for what I have done and what I'm about to do. I
have loved you for years and I always will. I will be with you always.

Love you forever, Ash

"Aj, I don't understand how did you kill her?" Nick spoke when he
finished the letter.

"I knew what had happened. I was ashamed that I was only man
enough to go to her when I was drunk. I remember everything from that
night. I might have been drunk but I couldn't be drunk enough to forget
her, to forget something like that." When he spoke Aj's words were rapid
as if he had to get it off his chest,"I was so scared that if I acted like I
remember that she would be upset and that she would walk away from
me." He hung his head as he continued,"If I had just let her know that I
remembered it she would be here now." A sob ripped through his body
as he finished."God damn it Ashley I loved you and you fucking left me!"
Aj roared looking toward the ceiling. He dropped to his knees as he
cried.

Nick handed the letter to Brian and joined on the floor."Aj you
didn't know. You would have never hurt her no purpose. I know that,
and she knew that. You have to realize that." Nick wrapped his arm
around Aj's shoulder as Brian and Howie joined them.

Nick looked across the yard toward Aj and the rest of the guys. Aj
laughed and smiled at something Brian said. To anyone outside of their
group, Aj looked normal. He had been sober for nearly 6 months. He was
working as hard as ever on a solo album, everything seemed to be going
okay. At least until Aj smiled, that's when you noticed that the smile
never reached his eyes. Whatever light Ashley had brought to his life
was gone, that AJ was gone.

Nick sighed, he knew Aj blamed himself but he knew it wasn't his
fault. Aj didn't seem to realize that, and Nick didn't know if he ever
would.