Leaving On a Jet Plane - Part 1

I would count to three in my head.

One, two, three.

Then I would open my eyes, and hopefully it would be over. Sometimes, I had to count to three a couple times, but that was okay. One, two, three and it would be over.

Over.

Well, not that type of over. Even though sometimes, I did wish for that. Just end it all. Get it done with for good.

But not today. Today I just wanted the other type of over.

We'd been fighting a lot lately. And I can't say that I was just sitting back counting to three and not being involved, because believe me I'd had my share. But the little things that we usually fought over seemed to be getting bigger and although nobody seemed to voice it, I was getting a little scared.

Sometimes I really thought it was over. And sometimes, I didn't regret that.

"Nick, hello, wake up."

"I am awake, what." I opened my eyes and stared into AJ's annoyed ones. They were tired and bloodshot. I knew my own probably weren't much better off.

"We're trying to discuss some plans, you wanna actually take part for once?"

"Sounded like it was going just fine without me."

"Damn man, if you were paying any attention-"

"I was paying attention."

They were all looking at me now.

"Well then maybe you shouldn't go out and get plastered every night."

"I wasn't out getting plastered."

"Well you sure as hell weren't sleeping."

"No." I'd give him that much. Sleeping didn't exactly come easy lately. "And I wouldn't talk, Mr. 'Let's see how the world looks through the eyes of a high man'."

If looks could kill I'd be six feet under and kissing any chances of coming back up goodbye.

"Nick ..."

I glanced at Brian and found myself on the receiving end of one of his new looks.

"What."

"Let's just stick to discussing the plans okay?" He looked at AJ now too thankfully, not just me.

And that was pretty much what it was reduced to. Discussing plans. That was pretty much all we could bring ourselves to talk about at that point without creating a major argument. And obviously, even that in itself was impossible sometimes.

" ... this summer, if we decided on that, right?"

They all seemed to be nodding, and I wondered why I had blanked out suddenly.

"Nick?"

Here we go again. I looked up.

Kevin was giving me one of his looks now. "Nick, now's not the time to develop ADD. If you would just pay attention for once we could get through this."

"I am paying attention. It sounds fine. I'm in."

Whatever it was.

And hell, like it even mattered what we decided on anyway. Seemed like our plans were always being blindsided by managements newfound miracle plans anyway.

And then next thing I knew they were arguing again. Something about a tour. I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes. One, two-

"-then maybe it is over!" AJ exploded, and I heard him push back his chair. "Screw everything. And dammit Nick, wake up."

My eyes flew open as his hand connected with the back of my head. I didn't comment. He was already out the door anyway.

"Here we go again," Howie muttered. "You want me to go find him?"

Kevin shook his head and pushed back his own chair. "Don't bother."

Yeah, maybe Kev was right. Why bother.

-

"What're you doing?"

I jumped.

"Looking."

I had been staring down at the tiny, almost empty street below and thinking about a few things. I turned to glance at AJ, taking my weight off the balcony railing.

"I'm just thinkin' ..."

He came to stand next to me, leaning forward over the rail like I had been just minutes before. "About?"

"Stuff."

He didn't answer.

"They look so small." The few people down there looked like ants. I leaned forward over the railing again.

"Yeah ..."

"Do you think it would hurt?"

I knew he looked at me then but I kept my eyes focused on the street. I knew he knew what I meant.

"Is that the 'stuff'?"

"Maybe."

"I don't know really," he said. "But it couldn't be long anyway, you know? Just like one two three, bam."

One, two, three.

"Yeah ..."

That made sense.

He seemed to think for a long while.

"You know what?"

"What." I squinted into the sun.

"Let's do it together."

I looked at him, surprised.

"Not now," he said quickly, and gave a hoarse laugh. And then he was serious. "Just ... you know, if ever?"

I nodded slowly. "Okay."

"Okay," he repeated.

I didn't know who was crazier, me or him. But I wasn't alone.

"What're you doing?"

We both jumped.

Brian.

"Looking," AJ said quickly. He looked at me as Brian frowned.

And I smiled slightly.

-

"Nick?"

I looked up. Brian was standing there in the doorway, looking all serious. He used to never stop smiling. Even when he was mad at me or something. It wouldn't last. But now, it seemed different.

"What." I dropped my pen on the table and moved my arms forward to cover the hotel notepad I was using.

His eyes traveled to the desktop. "What're you doing?"

"Nothing." Writing. What did it look like. "What's up?"

"Can I talk to you?" His eyes moved up from the table to meet mine and I tried to keep his gaze.

"I guess. Sure. About what?"

"Uh, stuff." Brian seemed a bit uncomfortable. Which made me a bit uncomfortable.

"What sort of stuff?"

Brian took the time to pull another chair to the other side of the desk so that he was sitting directly across from me. Direct confrontation. He sat down and dropped his elbows on the tabletop.

"I've just been worried lately."

"Worried about what?" I spun the pen on the desk so I didn't have to look at him. "The tour? It'll be fine, man."

"Not the tour."

"What then."

"You."

That caught my attention. I stopped spinning the pen. "Me?"

"Yeah you."

"Why?" I started spinning again.

"Why? Look at you, Nicky. What's going on?"

"What do you mean, what's going on?"

"Nick." His hand fell over the pen. "C'mon, buddy. You know whenever anything's bothering you I'm always here, right?"

I nodded. "Sure."

"Then?"

"Nothing's bothering me. Everything's fine."

Super. Perfect. Fabulous.

I looked at him.

He didn't believe me.

"I'm fine. I don't know why you're worried."

"You've just been acting weird lately."

"Well maybe you should go talk to Kevin, Howie, and AJ too 'cause they haven't exactly been up to par lately. You either."

"So you're telling me you're acting strange the same way we all are," he said slowly.

Was that grain of hope reassuring to him?

"I'm not even acting strange."

"Nick please."

"Nothing's bothering me. Really." I gave him a big smile. Honestly I didn't even know what was worrying me. The fighting, the stress, the rest ...

His face was blank.

"What?"

He shook his head.

"No, what?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"You just did." And I gave him another big smile.

He didn't return it.

"Okay, go ahead."

He leaned forward. "Yesterday on the balcony. What were you and AJ talking about?"

Yesterday. The balcony.

"Me and AJ?"

Stalling. One, two, three ...

What were we talking about?

"Yes. You and AJ." He waited.

I glanced at the pad.

"We're writing a song together."

"Now that's funny .... He said you guys were talking about vacation."

Two-timing. I hated when people did that to me.

"We were. That too. We're writing a song and we're gonna finish it when we get vacation."

Now did that make any sense at all? Not even to me.

What was I talking about?

What was this conversation about?

"Nicky, look at me."

"What?"

He grabbed my chin. "If you ever think about doing something-"

"Doing what," I interrupted quickly. I pulled my head back and shoved the notepad into the desk drawer, starting to stand. "I don't know what you're talking about."

He was making me nervous. I had to get out.

"Carter-"

"I'm going out."

"Where?"

"I don't know yet."

"You want company?"

"Um ..."

"No, huh?" He leaned back in his chair.

Was he giving up on me? For one of the first times I actually felt like he didn't understand me at all.

But I just shrugged.

"Alright. We'll talk later." He smacked me softly as he said it. "Be careful."

"Always."

-

"Hey dog, look at this." AJ shoved a magazine under my nose. Tropical vacation paradises. I scanned the page, looking at the pink sanded beaches and aquamarine water.

"Nice."

"Real nice," he corrected.

"You want an island getaway?"

He shrugged, shutting the magazine and tossing it to the side. "Would be cool."

"Yeah." Any place but here would be. I stared at the hotel ceiling. Another day wasting away. Everything seemed far away.

"You know, I've been thinking ..."

I looked at him.

"I'm thinking about taking some time off."

"Time off? How're you gonna get that approved?"

"Who said anything about approved? I said taking, not asking for."

"Oh." I rubbed the side of my face.

"Haven't you ever thought about taking off and getting the hell outta here for a bit?"

"Yeah. All the time."

He got up and went back over to the little refrigerator that charged twelve dollars for a single peanut. I watched as he pulled it open and picked out a tiny little bottle from the assorted liquor collection.

"That's like five hundred dollars." I watched as he twisted off the top and downed it.

"It's not five hundred dollars, reject."

"It's a lot."

"Not five hundred. You dumbass. Besides." He walked over to the sink and filled the tiny bottle with water. "They'll never even know."

And who was he calling the dumbass?

"The seal's broke."

"They don't look that carefully."

"It wasn't even a clear drink."

He stared at me. "Nick, I do this all the time."

"Do they charge you?"

"Hell yeah." He shook his head at me like I was stupid or something and stuck the little bottle back in the fridge.

I rolled my eyes.

"Ah. That stuff's good."

"You're retarded," I answered.

"What's that?"

"You're re-tar-ded." I said it slowly and made a face at him. He jumped me on the bed and started beating on me lightly as a response. He let up after a second and fell on his back next to me.

"Damn, this shit's got me going. You wanna go out somewhere?"

I shrugged. I was game for anything right then.

"You know ..." He stared at the ceiling and his voice suddenly sounded kind of far away. "Sometimes I think I'll just take off for a little bit and that'll fix things and I could just come right back. But sometimes I just wanna ..."

I turned my head to look at him and even his eyes looked lost. He sat straight up.

"C'mon, we'll go out. Me and you." He hit me. "Get up."

Things with me and AJ were weird. Sometimes I didn't like him. Sometimes I knew he hated me a lot. But other times I felt like he was the only one in the world who might possibly understand.

-

"Go fish."

I picked up a card from the pile on the floor and looked at it tiredly. I didn't need it. I didn't want to play. I didn't even remember whose idea it was to play the damn game.

"Do you have an ... ace of spades?"

"No," I answered

AJ and Brian both looked at me.

"What." I frowned at them. "I don't."

AJ made a motion with his hand. "And?"

"And what? I don't have any."

"And so?" Brian prodded. I gave him an annoyed look to show him I didn't know what he was trying to get at, and that on top of that I didn't really care to know either.

"Go ..." AJ said it slowly, as if he was talking to a retarded child or something.

I rolled my eyes.

Oh.

"Go ...," he tried again. His eyes were amused.

"Go fish. Damn. Do you really need me to say it?"

"Well that's the name of the game," Brian answered as he finally picked up a card from the pile. "C'mon, Nicky."

"Yeah Nicky," AJ added with a cackle, leaning back on his hands. "You gotta play by the rules."

If they only knew I really wanted to shove those cards-

"Guys, have you seen my keys?"

"No," we all said at the same time. I heard Kevin let out an aggravated breath.

"Could you look around you at least?"

Brian and AJ at least looked around, half-heartedly as the attempt was. I didn't bother. I just randomly picked up a few piles of the cards and started shuffling. I don't know why.

"No keys," Brian said.

"Could you really look?"

"We're kind of in the middle of a game here," AJ answered.

"Yeah, important too. Your card shark over there doesn't seem to realize you're in the middle of a game." And he left the room.

It took me a second to realize he was referring to me and the fact I had shuffled the order of all the cards.

AJ and Brian looked at me.

"What."

"You don't wanna play anymore?"

"Honestly no. I don't wanna waste my day playing Go Fish. Sorry." I dropped the cards I had been absently shuffling and watched them scatter. "Damn waste of time. We waste everyday. What's the point."

They both looked at me.

"What."

"You alright?" Brian frowned.

"I'm fine. Super." I started to get up from the ground, wondering what time it was. What day it was.

"Where're you going?"

"Out."

"You want company?"

"No."

Not from him, not from AJ. Nobody.

I just wanted to be alone, not answer anybody's questions, not try and share what was going through my head.

My head, my head.

Damn it hurt.

"Nicky?"

"What."

"You alright man?" AJ gave me a look, and I realized I had just been standing there. In the middle of the floor. Staring off into who knows where. I looked at the balcony for a minute. Then I shook my head and started for the door.

"I'll be back later."

-

I don't know how I wound up there.

"Last call for flight 119 to Chicago, last boarding call ..."

I was busy, I felt rushed, and yet here I was at perhaps one of the busiest places you could be.

The airport.

It's not even where I had planned to be. I had planned on getting drunk and maybe picking up a girl. But drinking had never really had any sort of magic effect on me and I was barely through with my first beer before I gave up on it and cut out of the little dinky bar.

And here I was. I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

Well I had an idea.

The idea was the I would take any money I had in my wallet and buy a one-way ticket somewhere. Anywhere. Maybe one of those nice island retreats AJ had been showing off in that magazine. Maybe he was right. Maybe if I just took off for a little bit then that would fix things. Maybe I would come back and everything would be cool.

Or maybe I would decide I wouldn't need to come back at all.

I swallowed and looked at the outgoing flights on the computer screen.

New York, Dallas, Los Angeles, Phoenix, Cincinnati, Philadelphia, Seattle ...

I felt like running a finger down the list and picking one with my eyes closed. Where it stops, nobody knows. But I just stared at the list until my eyes became unfocussed.

I went and sat down again.

One, two, three.

Los Angeles, Dallas, or Seattle.

Deep breathing. I don't know what was wrong with me. Maybe I was having an anxiety attack. Was that possible? All I knew was that my head was swimming and I wasn't sure exactly what to do with myself.

To leave or not to leave.

Good question.

I tried to balance the pros and cons of the situation. But I couldn't think of any argument for either side.

And then there was always one other option.

-

"Where the hell were you?"

I turned away from the door, caught off guard slightly.

Kevin.

I stared at him.

"Well?"

"You waited up for me?"

I couldn't remember the last time someone had waited up for me.

And I couldn't tell if he had actually waited up for me or if he was just still up and this was an excuse to chew me out.

I could pretend.

"It's three o'clock in the morning."

I glanced at my watch. That it was.

"Nick."

I looked up.

"What the hell is going on with you?"

"I was driving," I said. And I moved away from the door, pulling off my jacket.

"Driving."

"Yes."

"You drive anywhere important?" he asked dryly.

I looked at him for a minute, hanging on to the jacket. "No," I said finally. "Not really."

Kevin leaned back in the couch and rubbed the side of his forehead, this weird look on his face. I realized I didn't get anyone anymore. They made no sense. I shook my head and started away.

"Hey."

"What?"

"I wanna talk to you."

That was never exactly a good thing.

"It's three in the morning, Kev. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"I'm getting tired of this shit, Nick."

"You're not the only one," I answered in the same tone. There was no answer from him and so I headed to AJ's room. There was somebody I did want to talk to.

"AJ," I hissed, shutting the door behind me. It was dark but I made my way towards the night table and fumbled to flip on the light there.

AJ sat up and gave me a dirty look through sleep filled eyes, letting the covers fall from his bare chest. He blinked at the sudden light.

"Did you just get in?" His voice actually had a chiding tone.

"Listen I've been thinking ..." I stretched out next to him on the bed and tried to think of how I was going to say it.

"This better be good," he muttered, lowering his shoulders back down and shutting his eyes.

"You know how you were talking about taking some time off?"

"Yeah."

"Let's do it."

"Alright," he mumbled.

"I'm serious."

"Alright," he repeated.

"However long it takes. We'll just go somewhere 'till we want to come back."

"Sounds good ..."

He sounded half asleep.

"Until we want to come back," I repeated. "And then if we don't ... If we don't think that we want to come back then we can do the other thing."

He was silent for a minute.

"Alright," he said finally.

"You don't sound sure."

"Oh I'm sure, pal," he said hoarsely. "Are you so sure?"

I didn't mean to hesitate, but I did. "Yes."

"Alright then." He rolled over away from me and flipped off the light. "Goodnight."

"Night," I repeated softly. And I looked at the darkened ceiling, wondering if that was the response I had really been looking for.

-

The thing was, no one ever talked to me about that night.

Kevin never talked to me in the morning, AJ never asked me where I had gone, Brian and Howie never even brought it up.

And so neither did I.

In reality, what I really wondered was that if I had hopped one of those planes, would they would even care? I mean, I knew it would hurt the group itself, but would it bother them? The 'group' was just some inanimate thing. It could be hurt, it was just a word.

But 'them' was different.

The 'group' was fighting again.

I wasn't even paying much attention this time. My mind was on other things. As soon as I heard the voices getting louder, I tried tuning them out.

And when that didn't work, I tried leaving.

The argument actually stopped when I stood. It was like pressing pause.

"Where're you going?"

"Getting a drink," I lied. They would never let me go.

I don't even think that they noticed me grabbing my keys off the table when I left. They were too busy with important matters or something.

And I didn't feel bad. The way I thought of it, I didn't even lie to them. I told them I was getting a drink, I didn't say where. And I didn't say I was coming back either.

The feeling you get when you're driving away from some place that you should still be at is amazing. I can't describe it. It's really like escape.

Actually, I probably could have done a lot better things with my 'escape' than I did, but I didn't.

I just drove myself back to the hotel and when I got there I just dropped my keys on the counter, fixed myself a drink, and sat myself on the balcony outside AJ's room. I guess I wanted him to be the first to find me.

But for then I just wanted to be alone.

All the little people, walking in the street below.

The little cars.

We were pretty high up here, in this room.

That would probably be better. The higher you were.

That made sense.

I took a sip of my drink and leaned my head back against the wall.

So the higher up you were, the better it would be.

The sun was setting. It was a canvas of yellows, and reds, and blues, and pinks ...

I shut my eyes against it and felt the soft wind ruffle over me.

I wondered if wind was a factor.

No.

Probably not.

I opened my eyes again and the sky was mostly yellow. The sunset was pretty much over.

Over.

I shut my eyes again.

Minutes later, something kicked me.

But it wasn't minutes. When I opened my eyes, the sky was pitch black and filled with stars.

"Where the hell have you been?"

"Hi AJ."

"Hi yourself." He kicked me again. "I've been looking for you."

"Well you found me."

He glared at me, saying nothing.

"I've been here the whole time, Sherlock. Good job."

I got another kick, this time better aimed and not so soft.

"Stop," I objected. That one hurt.

"You've been here the whole time," he repeated.

"Yeah. Why."

He just shook his head and dropped down on the ground next to me, leaning his back against the wall. "Nick, Nick, Nick."

"What."

"You dumbass."

"What?"

"Your ass is grass, my man. If I were you I'd pack my bags tonight."

"I'm planning on it." I was serious even if he wasn't going to be.

"No you're not."

"Yeah I am," I answered, growing annoyed.

"You're all talk, kid. That's it. You keep talking to yourself. No one's listening."

"Fine then," I shot. I started to pick myself off the ground, grabbing my drink that was still half full. "I'll see you around sometime. If I ever come back."

"Will you sit down already," he answered, sounding irritated. Oh so now he was the mad one.

But I fell back into a sitting position.

"Listen-"

"No, you listen," I interrupted. "I am. Tonight."

"Uh huh."

"I am." I looked down at my drink and hesitated. "You're coming too, right?"

He let out a hoarse laugh.

"Are you?"

"We had a deal, didn't we?" was his response.

I just nodded.

"Ready when you are," he said after a minute. And he pulled himself up and disappeared through the sliding door. I looked up from my drink finally and looked out into the stars.

Why did I feel like he had just pushed me into something.

But he hadn't.

This was all me.

-

I decided.

That night was the night. I wasn't just all talk, I wasn't just going to sit there thinking about it and let the time wash out from under me while I tried to decide on something to do with myself.

Tonight, it was going to happen.

But first I had to do something.

I turned my head away from the night sky and leaned over to pull the sliding glass door open while I was still sitting. Immediately the curtains billowed out and I heard the hollow sound of the TV inside.

"Come in or shut the door!" AJ had to holler to be heard over the combined sound of the TV and the flapping curtains.

I had to do something.

Tonight.

I hesitated.

"Carter!"

Good lord, you couldn't even take a second to think around here without someone jumping on you. Lately though, the seconds I thought I had been taking to think were really turning into minutes without me even knowing.

I picked myself off the ground and stepped inside the room, sliding the door shut behind me and kicking the curtains out of the way. All the lights were off in the room - it would almost be in complete darkness except for the glow and flashing of the TV.

"Do you have any paper?"

"Any what?" AJ was sprawled out on his bed and didn't even look up from the TV.

"Paper. You know, to write on?"

"Check the drawer," he said absently, motioning with a hand in the direction of the desk. I rolled my eyes and crossed over towards it, pulling open the drawers and rummaging through. I stared at the Bible there for a second and then moved it over to get to the tiny pad of paper.

"Pen?" I looked at AJ.

"Look over on the dresser."

I went to retrieve it and then came back to the desk, dropping into the chair and staring at the blank pad.

"What're you writing?"

I looked up. AJ was looking at me now. "Nothing."

He rolled his eyes to show he didn't care if I told him or not.

I stared at the page again, and it stared back at me, the light from the TV screen playing off of it.

I was writing to Brian.

I couldn't just leave. I think maybe if he hadn't come to talk to me the other day I would have been able to, but for some reason that night I couldn't just take off without saying anything. There was that possibility I wouldn't be ever coming back and I knew he himself would never do that to me. I knew it was something we owed each other. Respectfully.

But I didn't know what to say.

I stared at that paper for a long time before I started to write. I'm not even sure what I eventually decided to say, but it was something about leaving and needing some time, that we'd see each other again eventually. I don't know whether I meant in this world or the next when I wrote it, and I'm sure he wouldn't know either. That note had a lot of crap in it, I don't even know. But I know it said thanks for everything. That was the last line.

When I was done, I folded it into the smallest square I could and put it on the desktop. I stared at it even longer than I had thought about it.

"Aje?" I said finally.

"Mm."

"I gotta go get something, I'll be right back."

"Sure," came the absent answer.

I grabbed the folded paper off the table and headed for the door.

Brian was sleeping when I got to his room, and that was what I had been counting on. I didn't want to talk, anything. No last goodbyes, nothing. If that was the last time I saw of him, then let that be it. Talking would just ruin it.

I stepped across the carpet, holding my breath. I listened to the steady sound of his breathing as I made my way over to the other side of the room. Dropping down in front of his guitar case, I unclasped the locks along the side as quietly as I could and dropped the folded note on top of the guitar. I stared at it a second and then let the case fall closed, leaving the clasps open.

That was the one place he would find it.

And I was out of there.

I had to knock on AJ's door to get him to let me in, but as soon as the door opened I was ready.

"Let's go."

His brown eyes stared back at me sleepily and he glanced up the hall. "Yeah, okay. Git in here already."

"I'm leaving tonight."

"Tonight," he repeated.

"I'm going to the airport right now." I shifted from one foot to the other and waited.

He smiled suddenly, and he didn't look so tired. "Alright then, man."

And he let the door fall behind him, leaving the TV on and all.

-

The airport wasn't very crowded.

It felt strange to be there, just the two of us, middle of the night, no bags, nothing. It was weird. It was almost like this whole thing wasn't real. I would wake up and be back in the hotel, just sitting there, stuck there.

"Can I help you?"

Yes we needed help.

We were at the counter already.

"Where to?" AJ looked at me, voice low.

"You pick."

"No, you pick."

"No-"

"Excuse me?" The older woman at the counter cleared her throat. "If you don't mind ..."

"There's no one else here," I told her, waving my hand around. We were the along ones within ten feet of the desk. "Until then, you can relax."

I heard AJ chuckle. The woman just gave me a dirty look.

"Do you have anything to the Caribbean?" AJ asked finally. I think he was really set on that fantasy island retreat. It didn't sound so bad to me either.

The woman clicked in her computer for a few minutes. "I'm sorry, sir, we're booked until tomorrow. Would you like one of those flights?"

"No," I said quickly. Tonight, tonight.

"How about the Bahamas?"

The woman typed and clicked again. "No, I'm sorry. Same as the last."

"How about ... Bermuda?"

"There are travel agents," the lady said, not even typing it in this time. She looked at AJ, and he just stared back.

"Check."

Click, click. Scroll. "Nope, I'm sorry." She sure sounded sorry too.

We stood there a second, staring at her.

"Just give us anything. Two tickets anywhere."

She looked at me as if I were crazy. "Anywhere," she repeated.

I nodded. "Anywhere. The next plane going out with two empty seats."

"Sir-"

"C'mon lady, listen to the kid," AJ interrupted. "Next flight out anywhere."

"Alright ...," she said slowly, starting to type into the computer again.

"Preferably in this country," he added. She nodded absently and I leaned against the counter tiredly as AJ pulled out his wallet.

"Round trip?"

"No."

We were getting out of here.

"There you go," she said finally, sliding the narrow ticket envelope across the counter. She seemed almost reluctant to do so. "Do you have any luggage you want to check in at this time?"

"No thanks." AJ grabbed the envelope.

As we made our way to our departure gate, I finally had to ask. "Where are we going?"

AJ peeked at the tickets. "Hm. Well would you look at that."

"Where?" I repeated.

"Cali."

"For real?"

"Yeah. Far enough?"

"Not even," I mumbled. Nothing was far enough. I had a feeling that I was going to like being away a little too much. And if I didn't want to come back ...

"C'mon," AJ said suddenly, and pulled on my arm to rush me along. He must have just noticed the take-off time. "She seriously gave us the next flight out. We gotta run to make it."

We made it on the plane just as they were making the last call for boarding. As I slid into the seat by the window and looked down at the runway, I still wasn't even sure what I was doing. If you asked me why I wouldn't even be able to tell you.

The captain started his spiel as seatbelt sign popped on and I heard the sound of the plane's motors. AJ started singing to himself softly in that raspy yet smooth voice.

"Leaving ... on a jet plane ..."

Free, free, free. I tried to think what the heck we were going to do with ourselves when we got there.

" ... don't know when I'll be back again ..."

The runway was moving by us now as the plane moved out onto the strip.

"...oh babe, I hate to go ..."

I looked away from the window and shook my head. "I don't."

AJ stopped his song. "What?"

"I don't."

"Don't what."

"Hate to go."

"Oh," he chuckled hoarsely. "Me neither. No regrets."

No regrets? I had to think about that one. But I gave him a small smile.

"No regrets," I repeated.

-

"Rent a car or taxi?"

"Car."

"Find a place here or drive somewhere?"

"Drive."

"Rent a place or stay in a hotel?"

"Rent."

I didn't even have to think about the answers. It suddenly seemed pretty simple. Just go with the flow. Think on the moment.

This could work for awhile. I don't know how long, but awhile. I didn't really want to stop to think on things right then. I liked pretending that I didn't have any roots anywhere.

The car we decided on renting was a nice sporty one. AJ's credit card took care of it and I wasn't about to offer to pay for anything until he asked me too. I didn't feel like it.

"I'll drive," I said, snatching the keys out of his hand before he could even object.

"Psh," was his reply, but he let me get by to the driver's side without a fight. "Where are we going?"

"Wherever we are when I feel like stopping," I answered with a shrug, turning the keys in the ignition and revving the engine. It sounded good. Free, free, free.

"Alright." He sounded amused. "You can wake me when we get there."

"You might want to put on your seatbelt," I told him, sending a sideways glance in his direction as I pulled out of the spot and towards the parking lot exit. I was stepping on the gas already.

"It's a rental, Nickolas, treat it like one." AJ didn't bother putting on his seatbelt, he just leaned his seat backwards and closed his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah ..."

"I'm serious," he mumbled.

"No, you're not."

"Sure," he said with a laugh. "And technically you have to be twenty-five to drive rentals, so enjoy it now."

"Whatever." I took the exit for the highway and let my foot down on the pedal as soon as the car pulled off the ramp. It made a slight squeal.

"Nick." His voice was sharp.

"What?" Innocence. I didn't hear anything.

"Take it easy already."

"I am."

"You took it fucking seventy off the exit. Take it easy."

"I am," I repeated, annoyed. But I slowed it down a little. A little. "You take it easy."

"I'd rather not kill myself before we have a destination."

"Why not," I muttered, turning up the knob for the radio. AJ muttered a response and shut his eyes again. I slid the car into the fast lane and slowly put on the gas again.

Seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three.

One, two, three ...

I was so busy watching the speedometer I wasn't even watching the road.

One, two, three.

I didn't even notice my eyes drifting again.

"Nick. Nicky." AJ's voice almost sounded urgent.

"Huh?"

"Look at the road, man. Go as fast as you want, just look at the road."

"I am," I said softly. But the scary thing was, I didn't even notice when I wasn't.

"If you don't then I'm driving, dog."

"I'm looking at the road, geez. Go to sleep."

He muttered something again, but next time I looked at him his eyes weren't closed.

-

I kept driving.

I didn't know where I was going exactly, but that's half the reason it felt so good. Being able to drive forever with absolutely no destination in mind. There's nothing like it.

You could say AJ eventually put his life into my hands, because a couple hours into the trip and he was fast asleep with no more comments. So I kept in the fast lane.

It was weird because even though I had been driving for awhile now, it was still only afternoon. The next time I looked at the clock, I suddenly felt hungry.

"AJ, are you hungry?"

I was basically talking to myself.

I got off the next exit because it had a sign for McDonald's and I needed to stretch. When I pulled into the parking lot of the place, AJ was finally starting to show some signs of life.

"Good morning," I said, turning off the ignition and starting to pocket the keys. AJ twisted in his seat.

"Hey, could I see those for a sec?"

"Uh huh ..." I was confused but I dropped the keys into his outstretched hand.

"Thanks," he said with a smirk, pocketing the keys himself.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"AJ-"

"My turn to drive next, buddy. You had your fun."

"I was supposed to get us to where we were goin' ..."

"You can tell me where to go then."

"Man, c'mon."

He was already out of the car and heading for the fast food building. Damn.

"AJ, c'mon," I tried again when I caught up with him. His eyes were on the menu above the counter, obviously ignoring me. "Man ..."

"What do you want?"

"The keys."

"As in food."

"The keys."

"That's not food."

"Keeeys."

"Nick, shut up already. What's the big deal? You drove for like four hours. Take a break."

"I like driving."

"So do I. What do you want?" The line moved forward.

"Whatever you're getting," I muttered. I wasn't going to get my way.

AJ glanced at me after he put in the order and rolled his eyes. "You're gonna be all pissy now? Because I won't let you drive?"

"No." I didn't look at him.

"Yeah, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Yeah. You are."

"Will you shut up?" I glared at him. Maybe the two of us being alone together wasn't going to be such a good idea after all. Like I said, there were times when we just really didn't like each other.

This, undoubtedly, was one of them. To be honest, he made me want to hitch a ride with the next truck I saw.

And now he was chuckling to himself, like he found me utterly amusing. I hated when people laughed at me. Especially when I wasn't laughing with them.

I glared at him more.

"Damn, will you loosen up already?" AJ knocked me in the side of my head, his chuckling replaced with an annoyed frown. "You'd think you'd lighten up a bit. We're in Cali, man. Away. Just me and you."

"Yeah, me and you," I answered absently, moving off the line to find a table. I don't care if I confused him sometimes. I confused myself most of the time.

-

"Hey, hey ..."

I jerked awake as someone shook my shoulder, opening my eyes tiredly. It took me a second to realize we were in the car. I didn't even remember falling asleep.

"You awake?"

I nodded, sitting up a little. It was dark outside.

"Clubbin' time, man," AJ said with a grin.

"Where are we?"

"Well ..." AJ leaned back in the driver's seat and rubbed his chin. "I'm not sure. I think I got you by the coast though, you like that?"

I nodded slightly, frowning. That morning seemed so far away.

"But anyway, time to meet the Cali girls, my man. C'mon."

"Huh?"

"You're still sleeping, aren't you. Wake up. We're going clubbing."

"We didn't even find a place to stay yet, did we? Did you?"

He shook his head. "We'll worry about that later."

"Okay ... Alright." I shrugged. Fine, it was fine. It wasn't like there was anything restricting us, right?

Inside the club that I never even got the name of, it was loud, crowded, and dark. Within minutes, I had lost AJ to the streaming people making their way to and from the dance floor. But it didn't bother me. In fact, right then I thought it was a good thing.

My main concentration was on making my way to the bar, which took the major effort of weeding through the people. This must have been a popular place. For some reason though, my main objective wasn't really on having a good time. It was more about trying to figure out what exactly I was doing.

Nothing a few drinks couldn't fix. AJ the key hog could be the designated driver.

Problem was, I couldn't get my mind to start thinking in the way I wanted it to.

I was nursing my ... well, not my first beer awhile later before I felt somebody move in next to me.

"Nicky, baby, hey! I want you to meet somebody ..."

And there went my designated driver. I squinted at AJ and the two girls he had with him, one on each side. He looked like a pimp. "Hi ..."

"This is ..." He looked at the girl on his right and mumbled a name. "And this is her friend," he added, motioning to the other one. "Girls, this is Nick."

"Hi," I repeated. They giggled. Alrighty then, the three of them were riding something major together. I shook my head and took a swig of my beer.

"Nicky, get this ... They." AJ cut himself off and then grabbed my arm. "They have this place nearby, you wanna go?"

"Man, what the hell'd you take?" I actually laughed. It wasn't funny though, I don't know why I did.

"You want to?" He let go of my arm suddenly and turned back to the girls. "You see? He wants to, I told you he was cool. C'mon. Let's get outta here."

What was he on?

I had no choice other than to follow them to the exit of the club. If AJ took off, I had no ride. I stayed a good two feet behind them, watching the three of them stumble around together. I wasn't so steady myself, but I had a feeling they were on something a little different than alcohol.

"Here, big guy, you can drive."

I took the keys from AJ uncertainly. "Aje ..."

"C'mon, these girls are fun. They know how to have a good time. We need a good time."

Yeah, we did. And I guess him saying that was what convinced me it was okay.