- Text Size +

Leaving On a Jet Plane - Part 2

I don't remember anything about that night at all after that. It all got a little blurry. I'm not sure what we did, but I woke up on a couch in a strange apartment and the only reason I knew it was morning was because of the sun streaming through the window.

I felt sick.

I glanced around the apartment, trying to figure out where the hell I was.

The place was a dump basically. And not only was it was it a dump, it was a messy dump on top of that. I didn't see anybody. Just crap.

I pulled myself off the couch stiffly and started to walk across the messy floor a bit unsteadily. There were two doors along the wall, one was a bathroom and one was a bedroom. No one was in the bathroom, so after I put it to use I went and peeked in the bedroom.

The bedroom was even messier than the main room where I had been. More crap everywhere. It made me tired and depressed just looking at it. Hell, I was tired and depressed to begin with.

I moved into the room, kicking myself a path. I stopped when I noticed that the little table by the window had a thin film of white powder on it. There was an empty little clear tube lying next to it on its side.

Damn.

I frowned and continued into the room. There was a familiar body sprawled out on the king sized bed.

"AJ, wake up, man." I was feeling a little nauseous and I just wanted to go someplace else. AJ didn't move. "Jay, wake up please." I shook his shoulder and when that didn't work I jumped the bed and hit him hard.

"Ow ..." He was awake. "Damn."

"Wake up," I commanded as he pushed me off to the other side of the bed.

"I'm awake, geez. What's the matter with you?" He sat up slowly and I could tell by the look on his face that he had a headache. He glanced around the room, looking a little lost himself. "Mornin'."

"Man, what'd we do?"

"Huh?"

"Last night, what'd we do? Do you remember?"

"Last night?" He laughed. "No man."

"Whose hell hole are we in anyway?" I leaned against the headboard of the bed and looked around the room. "Why're you in bed, did you screw somebody?"

He gave me such a look right then. I thought he was going to hit me.

"Do you even remember?"

"I think I would remember," he muttered, but he didn't answer the question. I rolled my eyes and motioned loosely to the table with my hand.

"Did you do that shit over there?"

"What shit? Oh ... that." His brown eyes took in the sight curiously.

"Did you?"

He chuckled. "I don't even know. Isn't that funny?"

"Real funny," I answered emptily.

"Must've been good." AJ was still laughing to himself softly. We were crazy.

"Man, you wanna get out of here?"

"I don't know, this bed's pretty comfortable, isn't it?"

I smacked him awkwardly. "Man, c'mon."

"Alright, fine, but-"

We were interrupted by a ringing. A cell phone ringing.

I frowned. Who's cell phone.

"It's your phone, dumbass," AJ said suddenly. He reached for me as if he was gonna try and find the cell himself but I pulled it out before he could even touch me.

I looked at it a second and was about to answer it when AJ grabbed it from me.

"Man, no."

"Why?"

AJ looked at the caller ID. "It's Brian," he said, quickly turning the phone off and letting it go. It cut off mid ring.

I stared at the phone as it dropped silently on the bed between us. It stared back at me and I swear it looked evil. I blinked quickly.

"Why'd you even bring the thing with you, man? You should toss it somewhere."

"Uh huh," I agreed absently. I wondered why Brian was calling.

AJ pushed himself up from the bed, covers falling free. I noticed something that made me a little relieved.

"Well, you still got your pants on."

AJ gave me a weird look as he got to his feet. "Your point?"

"You probably didn't screw somebody."

"Will you get off that?" He sounded annoyed.

"Yeah well, I just don't want those girls getting some kind of rare disease," I answered, getting off the bed myself. Just in time for AJ to lunge at me. Touchy subject. I scrambled toward the door in time to get shoved up against it face first.

"What the hell's your problem, Nick?"

I didn't answer. I was too busy having my face pressed against the wall.

"I don't get you, man. One second your fine and the next you're all weird," he said, pushing at me. "I don't care what the hell's going through your head but I'm the only one you got out here, so don't be giving me shit."

He let me go.

"I didn't screw anybody, understand?"

"I was kidding," I muttered, leaving the room. Geez.

I paced around the place for a couple minutes and then left him and the damn apartment, taking the elevator down the parking lot. I found the rental car, unlocked it, and sat in behind the wheel.

Damn.

He made it sound like it should be so important that he was the only person that I had out here, that knew where I was, let alone what I was doing. But he didn't now what I was doing. I could leave him right now, take the car and go crash off a bridge and he wouldn't even know the difference.

I put the key in the ignition and rested my hands on the wheel. I wondered what he would think about that.

"Going somewhere?"

I almost jumped at the sound of AJ's voice. I hadn't even heard the passenger door open or him get in.

"Maybe."

"Without me?"

"Maybe."

He seemed to nod to himself. "Yeah, alright, drive somewhere."

And I began to think that maybe he didn't understand me quite so much as I thought he had.

-

We found a place to stay before evening came and it was actually pretty nice. There was this fancy little apartment complex right on a sandy beach that was actually the first place we stopped to look at and it hit us for two main reasons.

One, it was furnished and since we didn't bring anything with us that was a plus, and two, the landlord was willing to let us rent for however long we decided to stay.

I liked it mostly because it was on the top floor of the complex and it had this huge balcony facing the water. Basically, it was a deal.

"Not too shabby, huh?" AJ fell onto the couch when it was finally just me and him, grabbing the remote for the TV and flipping it on.

I nodded to myself as I walked through the main room toward the balcony. But he couldn't hear me nod.

"Nick?"

"It's nice." I slid the thick glass door open and stepped out onto the balcony, welcomed by the breeze and the rumbling sound of the surf.

"You wanna go out tonight?" he called from inside.

I pulled a chair towards the end of the railing and acted like I hadn't heard him. He was talking over the sound of the television and the beach anyway. I sat down and leaned my head against the thin metal rails, trying to think. I needed to decide how long I was going to give myself to decide whether I would go back or just make it be over.

"Nick?"

Great, company on the balcony.

"What're you doing?"

"Thinking," I answered as he pulled another chair over next to mine. He didn't lift it so it scraped against the floor.

"You think enitrely too much, man."

"Yeah, well."

"What're you thinking about?"

"Stuff."

"Oh."

There was a minute pause and I didn't say anything. I just listened to the surf and tried not to think about anything at all. Nothing.

It was impossible.

"Did you know that if you can get yourself to think about nothing at all, then you can fly?" I glanced at AJ, waiting for an answer. His eyes were looking at the horizon, and I noticed he had put on his sunglasses.

"I thought if you thought of happy thoughts you could fly."

"That's Peter Pan. That's just a Disney movie, man."

"Oh, and this one's for real," he said sarcastically. "Do you think it's possible?"

"What, to think of nothing or to fly?"

"Either."

"I don't know."

"Like, if you cleared your mind of everything and jumped off this balcony, you would live."

I watched a seagull stepping into a little tide pool.

"You want me to test it out?"

He took a little too long to answer, but finally he just said, "No."

I nodded to myself slightly and leaned back into my chair. "What are we doing, man?"

"What do you mean, what are we doing- we're sitting here staring at the beach."

"No, I mean in the long run."

"I'm not thinking about the long run right now."

"What else are you thinking about?"

"Stuff," he said sarcastically.

Touché.

"Could you?" I said softly.

"Could I what."

"Think about the long run."

"What's there to think about, Nick? We either go back or we don't."

"And if we don't ..." I repeated questioningly.

"Then whatever. I don't care."

"Yeah, well I'd rather have something set in my mind that's all."

"You and your plans," he muttered.

"I don't have any plans."

"Exactly why you're freaking out."

"I'm not. I don't need plans. I just want to have an idea."

"Plans," he repeated.

"No, it's not. Plans are when you decide what you're doing and stuff. I just want to have an idea of two directions we could go."

"Plans, my man. Why're you getting so defensive about it anyway?"

"I'm not," I growled. "I don't need plans."

"Yes you do." He had this smug smile on his face.

"No. I don't." My voice was getting louder.

"You do."

"I don't."

"You do."

"Shut the hell up," I yelled, and I took a swing at him. I don't even know what was bothering me so much, but it was. I caught him in the shoulder because he moved out of the way, but he was already out of his chair and shoving me against the railing.

"Don't hit me," he said lowly, eyes narrowed behind his sunglasses.

"I will if I want."

The pressure of the railing into my back increased.

"Don't."

"Push me, man," I said seriously, staring him straight in the eye. "Go ahead. I'll think of nothing and you can go ahead and push me."

"Shut up."

"Go ahead. You know you want to. I want it too. C'mon. Push me."

He stared at me a minute. "Shut up."

"Go ahead."

He let me go and whacked me in the side of the head. "Shut your mouth. You don't even know what you're saying."

I pushed past him, going inside. I knew what I was was saying. He didn't know anything.

-

I missed this. Walking on the beach, by myself, alone. Nobody to talk to, nobody to listen to, being able to tune out and be in my own little world without anybody interrupting me.

It was nice.

The water was kind of chilly but I started walking in the shallow parts, just getting my feet wet. Before I knew it though my jeans were soaked up to about my knee but I really didn't care anyway so I just kept walking. I wasn't even in that deep I was just getting wet.

There were a lot of seagulls out on the beach. I read this book once a long time ago that had seagulls in it. It was really a long time ago so I don't really remember too many details about it, but it was about this one seagull who went from one world to the next higher world every time he died. I couldn't remember if he really died or not or what it was but he would like re-awake in a new world with a newfound knowledge.

It was a pretty nice idea actually. I wondered if that actually happened. Like when you died if you would become someone else somewhere else. That could be both good or bad, depending on where you re-awoke I guess. If that was possible. I mean, I believed in Heaven pretty much, but sometimes I wondered if you ever got to live down here on Earth again too.

I guess you really wouldn't want to, but it was an interesting idea. I think that if I had to live down on Earth again after I died, I would want to be a seagull.

But then after listening to them shrieking in the sky for a little while, I figured that their life probably wasn't all I was making it out to be either. Most people's lives aren't, so why would it be any different for seagulls.

They could fly though, and that had to be a plus.

And, if you had to clear your mind in order to fly, and seagulls spent most of their time flying, then they really couldn't be thinking about much at all. That might be a good thing.

I realized AJ was probably right about one thing. I thought entirely too much. Maybe being a seagull would be a good thing.

There was this jetti out on the lower end of the beach, just where it looked like it dropped off into nothingness. I liked it. Large stones jutted out of the sand to make a pathway out into the water, the waves crashing at the sides.

I started out on it, figuring that if I got caught out there and it was high tide then, oh well that would be too bad wouldn't it. Actually that wouldn't be too bad a way to go I thought, and the weird thing was that nobody would probably ever know. I glanced around, and no one was in view. Nobody would ever know.

I wondered if AJ would ever realize I was gone. He would probably go back home and when anybody asked about me he would just say how was he supposed to know. And to leave him alone.

I could see it all in my head.

When I got to the last part of the jetty that wasn't underwater, I sat down and stared out to sea. It was pretty awesome, being surrounded by water almost all around. I liked the fact that when you looked ahead it looked like the water went all the way to the ends of the earth. I guess in a way it did.

I was getting pretty wet now. I figured it was high tide after all, and I was pretty much soaked. I didn't really mind though, even though it was getting a little cold and my baggy jeans felt like they weighed a thousand pounds.

It was getting kind of late, but I didn't really want to head back to the apartment just yet. I scooted back a foot and waited for the water to catch up to me again, the wind blowing my hair back. It felt nice actually, I almost felt like staying there forever.

"Hey."

I jumped about a foot, jerking my head around. I had been too busy listening to the waves to realize that someone else had actually joined me on the jetti. A girl stood there, I guess a few years younger than myself, with her light brown hair pulled back and these empty looking blue eyes.

I didn't answer her, I just turned my head back to the ocean. I guess it wasn't really friendly, but I really wasn't in a very nice mood anyway.

"No one's ever been here before."

I glanced at her.

"I come here everyday at this time and nobody's ever been here before."

I shrugged. "Sorry."

"It doesn't matter," she said, and she sat down on a rock adjacent to mine. She let her feet in the water's edge. "I'm not going to be coming here much more anyway so it doesn't matter."

"Oh." I didn't ask why, and I didn't tell her that I probably wouldn't be coming here much more anyway either.

"It's nice, huh, when you're feeling kind of empty." Her eyes were focused on something far off into the distance that I had a feeling only she was seeing. "It kind of fills you up."

"Yeah. It does."

She glanced at me now. "It doesn't work forever. I mean, it's like drugs. Sooner or later they lose that first novelty, it wears off. You know what I mean?"

I nodded. Yeah, I did know what she meant.

"And then you can't find comfort anywhere anymore, can you." She sounded bitter.

"Nope."

"And then you just gotta let go. There's nothing holding you here anymore."

"I know what you mean."

Her head jerked around and a strand of hair fell into her face. It was soon caught by the wind. "You do?"

"Yeah," I muttered, and I started to get up. "Bye."

"Bye," she echoed, and I shook my head as I stepped around her carefully. The stars were coming out in the sky and I figured I would head back for the night. I was feeling a little confused.

-

"Is it raining?"

I glanced down at my wet clothes and then back at AJ staring at me from the couch. I shook my head slightly. "No."

"Oh." He took that as an answer, not even asking where I'd been.

I just shook my head again and shut the door behind me, bringing in some of the beach back with me. I kicked some of the sand off my feet and started toward one of the bedrooms. We hadn't called bedrooms yet but I figured first come first serve.

"Where you going?"

I paused in the doorway. "Bed."

"It's eight o'clock."

"Point?"

"You're tired?"

"No ..."

"Then why're you going to bed?"

"What do you care, man?"

He seemed to hesitate slightly. "I might be going out, you don't wanna come?"

I shrugged. I didn't really feel like going anywhere but bed.

"You're just gonna go to bed," he said slowly. I nodded and saw him roll his eyes. He muttered something. "Alright, man. Whatever."

Yeah, whatever. Have fun without me. I slipped through the doorway into the bedroom as I pulled my soggy shirt over my head. I tossed it to the side before crawling in under the covers and stretching out. I wasn't tired, but for some reason I felt like I could sleep forever.

There was a hand shaking me about five minutes later just as I was about to drift off.

Of course.

"Nick, listen a sec, hon."

I mumbled something incoherent and pulled a pillow over my head, trying to ignore him. Go leave. Go party. Go jump off a -

" ... - your phone on the night table. In case I call you for something."

"Why hell you call me?" I said into the pillow.

"Just because. I probably won't, it's just in case, alright? You can look at the number to see if it's me."

"Okay." The pillow made me sound really far away.

"Later," he said, and his hand pushed at my head when he left. I didn't answer. I just rolled over again and had to turn the pillow because it had gotten all wet from my hair.

I took a deep breath and tried to sleep again. It had been hard to sleep lately, but right then it didn't seem so hard. I just wanted to stay in bed. Stay in bed and never have to see anybody again.

And then I tried holding my breath. I wondered how many seconds it took before your body couldn't take it anymore. I had heard once somewhere that you couldn't kill yourself by holding your breath because you would pass out first and then you'd start breathing again in your unconscious automatically.

But there's an exception to every rule isn't there?

So I held my breath. Then I made myself get up and lock the bedroom door, get back in bed and hold my breath some more. It wasn't working. Either God had granted me the wonderful ability of being able to hold my breath forever, or maybe the critics were just right about something.

I gave up on holding my breath and just stared at the ceiling, trying to fall asleep or think of something to do with myself, whichever came first. Not surprisingly, it was sleep.

-

Ringing.

Stupid, annoying ringing. The phone was ringing.

Keeping my face down into the pillow, I fumbled around on the night table until my hand knocked into it. Clicking it on, I pulled it to my ear clumsily, expecting to hear AJ.

"Nick?"

Not AJ.

I jerked up, almost dropping the phone.

"You there? Anybody?"

Brian sounded lost. And he sounded really really far away. I almost said something to answer, but I didn't. I kept my mouth shut and waited, fighting the urge of wanting to hang up.

"Nick, listen ... If you're there? Man ..." There was a long pause, and I guess he didn't know what to say. "Listen, call me back and leave me a message or something to let me know that everything's okay, alright?"

That everything's okay. Did that mean not to call if everything wasn't?

My mind started racing when there was another pause. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. And here my best friend, or was my best friend, was or is, was on the phone and he wanted-

"I guess ... I don't know," he was saying in that slow way he and Kevin had. "I guess I'll try you later."

What did he want?

"Bye, buddy." There was a click as he hung up and I let the phone fall from my hand, taking a long breath.

Good God.

I was somewhere across the country and I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't have any plans. I didn't know what the hell I was going to do tomorrow. Or the day after that.

Or if I wanted there to be a tomorrow. Or a day after that.

I sank my head further into the pillow and let out a soft moan that stuck in my throat. Hot tears came, and as I started to hold my breath again I choked on a sob.

I was drained.

Over with.

Through.

That girl was right. After awhile, there was just nothing left anymore. The sooner people realized that and just left me alone, the better off we'd be.

-

Someone was knocking in my dream.

Knocking really hard.

It took me a second to make my way out of my half sleep filled world and realize it wasn't a dream. Somebody was knocking at the door hard as hell. I rubbed my eyes blearily and pushed off the heavy covers.

The person behind the door was having a fit as I unlocked the doorknob tiredly. The second it was unlocked the door crashed open and I had to take a step beck to avoid being knocked out.

"Why the fuck is the door locked?"

I shook AJ off of me, slightly surprised. "Huh?"

"Don't 'huh' me, man. I've been trying to fucking call you for hours!"

"Will you quit yelling?"

"I'm not even yelling yet," he answered angrily.

"What's your problem," I mumbled, starting to look around for my shirt. AJ caught my arm roughly and made me face him.

"My problem? My problem?"

I shook him off.

"I told you to keep your phone on because I might call. I call, you don't answer. For hours."

The phone ...

"Was there an emergency?" I asked absently. I found my shirt on the ground but it was still all wet. And sticky. I made a face at it and dropped it back on the floor. Who needed a shirt anyway.

" - back here and the friggin' door's locked. Do you know what crosses my mind, man? I'm sitting there thinking that something happened or some shit ..."

Didn't make him come back any sooner.

"-there's no body on the street beneath the balcony, so maybe you OD-ed in the damn room or something. And oh look, the door's locked and everything."

I stared at him, slightly comprehending. "Oh."

"Oh?" he repeated sarcastically. "That's all you say. Oh."

I stared at him a minute. "Did you have a good time?"

He stared back at me, and I thought he was going to scream.

"I wasn't going to do anything, AJ." But even as I said it, I wondered how I could be so sure. The truth was, I really wasn't.

"How am I supposed to know that. Good God, man."

"Geez man, it's not like you used to go out and broadcast to the world whenever you used to get all crazy."

"That was different."

"How?"

"It's different," he repeated.

I wasn't going to argue it. If he thought it was different, then fine. But I knew it was the same.

"What's it matter anyway? If you know or not? It's not gonna make a difference." I started to pretend I was looking for something, so that I wouldn't have to look at him.

"It does."

"Why?"

"Because we made an agreement."

"And what was that?"

"That we're doing it together, remember?"

I remembered back to the time on the balcony. It seemed so long ago, but it had only been a couple of days. And he was right. What a pact.

"You remember?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"Don't break it then or I'll remember you as an asshole." He was teasing now.

I shook my head. "Sure, man."

He seemed to watch me for a minute. "What are you looking for?"

I hesitated in my imaginary search. "Nothing." I stopped and stood up straight. I had forgotten that I hadn't been looking for anything at all. I had actually started getting frustrated that I wasn't finding it.

AJ leaned back against the dresser. "It's kind of nice out here, huh? We can do whatever we want. Sleep when we want, go out when we want, eat when we want."

I nodded slowly. All that seemed so long ago. I remembered when management went through with the deal of when we were only to eat certain times of the day, and certain things. Truthfully I had thought the head of management had been an ancestor of the communist regime.

"Speaking of food, you wanna go get something to eat?"

"Not really hungry." I shrugged and rubbed my chin absently.

"You wanna do anything? Or you just going back to bed?" He was being sarcastic.

"Is that an invitation?"

"I'll let you know."

I didn't know whether he was serious or not so I just raised an eyebrow. It was the best defense. AJ chuckled slightly.

"Man, you missed out last night ..."

"What'd you do?"

"Just some shit."

"Sounds fun." I was being sarcastic, but I don't think he caught it.

"It was." He stretched his arms above his head and yawned. "Well if you're not doing anything, then I'm gonna go to bed."

I glanced at the clock. It was one in the afternoon. And he made fun of me for going in at eight.

"I"m going out," I said.

He shrugged. "Whatever."

-

I went to the mall.

I don't know why I went there, but I didn't really know where anything was when I was driving around so when I came across a mall I parked and got out without even thinking about it. Besides, I felt like walking around aimlessly rather than driving around aimlessly, and the mall was a good a place as any.

And so I walked. But I couldn't understand it. I wasn't having a good time out here and I just couldn't get it. It was making me mad. Here I was, across the country from everything I had thought was killing me, and it was like nothing had changed. I still felt the same way.

It didn't make any sense. It was like I couldn't win whether I was here or there. It was hopeless trying. Maybe I was just a borderline psychotic who wouldn't ever be happy anywhere.

That sure made the future bright. Worth living too.

I guess I was getting myself in a pretty lousy mood over the whole thing, thinking too much about crap. And I guess that didn't make me too friendly for people either, which is why when someone said my name I pretended I didn't hear them.

I lowered my head a little more and moved down the selection of CDs in the store. But ah, the persistence.

"Nick?"

Take a hint, woman. I didn't want to talk to anyone.

"Nick."

Ugh, it was louder. She was closer.

And then she grabbed my arm. "Nick, hold up."

I shook her off and forced a polite smile. "What."

"I knew it was you," she said with a victorious smile. It pissed me off.

"Congratulations, you want a trophy?" I started to move again.

"An autograph would be fine."

I stared at her and inwardly cursed the smug smile. I hated obnoxious people. I knew I could be pretty obnoxious myself yet I hated it in other people.

But if it would make her go away.

"Fine, what do you want me to sign?"

She started to dig a pen and a piece of paper out of her pocketbook. "You're supposed to be in Florida," she said, handing them over to me.

"Am I supposed to be?" I asked sarcastically, scribbling my name on the paper and handing it back to her. People knew where I was 'supposed to be' better than I did. "There."

"Yeah." She took it without even saying thanks. "You know, you could be a little nicer."

My eyes narrowed. "So could you."

"I guess what they say is true."

I was going to walk away but I hesitated. "What's that."

"That you're all a bunch of asses and you're basically breaking up because you can't stand each other." She paused. "You're all going down the drain. I bet that's why you're here."

Something swept through me at her words, but I didn't know what it was.

"- ... is it?"

I took a breath. "What?"

"Is that why you're here?"

"Is what why I'm here. I'm shopping."

She shook her head, and I didn't like the look I saw on her face. I didn't even know her, yet she had that 'I know you better than you know yourself' look. "You're not shopping," she said.

"Only because you and your shit is preventing me."

I was getting mad. But I wondered why I was letting her words get to me so much. I didn't even know her. She didn't know me. I didn't care what she thought she saw in me.

But for some reason, her words dug at me.

"Is it true you're depressed?"

What the hell. "No."

Her expression was doubtful. "Is that your opinion?"

Blood pressure, rising off the scale. Heart rate, speeding up.

"What the fuck do you want, a personal interview?"

"It's just a few questions, what's your problem?"

I frowned and she smirked.

"Or should I say problems." She emphasized the plural.

"Go to hell."

"So it is true."

"You know what, thanks," I said sarcastically. "You just helped me make an important decision right now. Something I've been debating with awhile."

She gave me a weird look and backed off. Too bad too late.

I left the store after that, in fact I left the mall. The fifteen minute drive was made in five, and I was still seeing red when I unlocked the door to the apartment and stormed inside.

"AJ, I made up my mind."

No answer.

"AJ," I repeated.

He was asleep. I looked in his bedroom and saw him dead to the world on the bed. I shook my head. Forget him. I muttered to myself and strode across the living room, yanking the glass doors to the side and stepping out on the balcony.

The wind was stronger today, and pulled at me as it made howling noises around the side of the building. I breathed in deeply and held it for a second, then I grabbed a chair and shoved it against the railing. It made a clanking noise.

No more. I stepped up on the chair. When I looked down over the railing, everything below was minuscule. It looked like a painting.

There were three cars in the street below.

One, two, three.

I shut my eyes at the count, remembering when that used to work.

Or had it ever? I couldn't remember.

Well, it would work this time for sure. I lifted one foot up onto the rail.

One ...

My eyes caught on a seagull.

Two ...

"What the hell are you doing?!"

"Don't touch me," I growled, but he already was grabbing onto me and even though he's smaller he's strong. He had me off the chair in a second. "I swear to God, AJ-"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He shoved me and I stepped backwards in reflex.

"Get the hell off of me." My voice broke.

"You were gonna jump ..." He said it to himself.

"Don't worry, I was gonna think of nothing." Think of nothing and you fly.

He stared.

My back touched the wall and I slid down it weakly until I was sitting on the cold cement. And then I broke. I pulled up my knees and bowed my head down as a sob made its way into my throat. And then I couldn't stop.

"Dammit," AJ whispered. I didn't look up, but I felt him drop down next to me. "Nick."

I didn't like crying in front of people, even him, so I just covered my head with my arms and ignored him. I was crying a lot lately, and I didn't know why. For awhile, I could never cry. At anything.

"Nick. Quit it already."

It wasn't that easy.

"Sh. Did something happen? What happened?"

"I met this girl," I said into my arms.

"What? Man, I can't understand you if you talk like that."

That just made me cry harder for some reason, but I guess AJ took pity on me because next thing I knew he slung an arm around my neck and pulled me to him.

"What the hell happened."

"This girl."

"What about her?"

"She just said some shit." I shook my head and realized how stupid it was going to sound. I rubbed my eyes. "I don't know, man."

"You took to heart the words of some girl you don't even know," he repeated.

I shrugged. "She was right."

"I doubt it," he muttered. "Jesus, Nickolas. Does the word deal have any meaning to you anymore?"

"To hell with the deal," I muttered, sobs lessening. "It's not gonna work. We're never gonna agree on when."

He didn't answer for a minute, then he nodded.

"So you wanna go now? Alright then. The teeny was right. Let's go."

"Aje ..."

"What?" he asked, as if I interrupted something.

I shook my head at him and wiped my face with the front of my shirt. "Forget it."

-

I went for another walk. It's the best thing to do really, when you're feeling pissed off at the world, or at yourself, or if you're just feeling so many things at once that you can't even decide if you're pissed off or not.

I paused a minute and rolled my jeans up just under my knees so that I could at least walk with out them getting all wet and heavy. I squinted into the distance as I straightened up.

The water was kind of rough today and I guess that suited my mood because at that moment I really felt like smashing something. I was mad. Mad that AJ had stopped me, mad that he had had to stop me, mad that I had let that girl get to me.

Mostly I was mad that I had somehow let things get so crazy that the slightest little thing had me moving over the edge. Because I liked to think that I wasn't crazy. Not that I was normal necessarily, because there's no one named normal, but that I at least had things under control.

But as the curtains pulled away for the final act, it was becoming quite clear that that didn't seem to be the script. To be honest I had no clue what was in the script or how it was supposed to end. It was almost as if I had had screenwriters to my life up until this point and now they suddenly backed out with, "Hey let the guy handle it himself."

Well the guy wasn't doing such a great job of it so far, and I don't know what actually changed either.

I heard a low rumbling in the distance, over the sound of the crashing surf, and inwardly cursed. If it rained then I would be mad. All I wanted to do was walk. The sky didn't look too overcast, and even though the beach wasn't the greatest place to be in a thunderstorm I figured I would take my chances.

The jetti was a lot farther off than I had remembered it to be, and as I stood there absently kicking at the sand with my foot I saw the hazy silhouette of someone on its outermost rocks. I was surprised when I almost felt a sort of contentment at seeing her there. I hadn't been looking for company, but well, I don't know.

I started out on the rocks, feeling their roughness again against my feet. They seemed to absorb the cold, and as I watched the water lap angrily at the jetti's edges I heard the distant rumble of thunder again.

I was almost to the end when she looked up.

"I was wondering if you'd be back."

"Me too." I almost wasn't. I sat down and stared out at the vast blue and green espanse, not looking at her.

"You look mad."

I shrugged.

"Not mad?"

"I'm not sure what I am." I glanced at her and she was nodding slightly, her eyes on that invisible point in the distance.

"Yeah."

I smiled slightly, only for a moment. She glanced at me and our eyes met for a split second.

"So what's holding you here."

"You know, I'm still trying to decide." I shook my head, pulling my knees up to my chest at the wind ripped around me. "What about you."

She got a weird look on her face. "Fear. That's what's holding me."

Fear.

"I better go," she was saying suddenly. "Storm."

I watched as she picked herself off rocks, not moving yet. I looked out and watched a wave's descent and then turned my head quickly. She was almost out of earshot.

"Wait ..."

She turned.

"Are you ..." I pushed back my hair as the wind blew it forward. "Are you gonna be here tomorrow?"

She nodded slightly. "Yeah."

I nodded and turned my head away. I wanted to sit for awhile longer.

-

Staying longer only made my journey back to the apartment a race, mostly because by the time the thought of moving even crossed my mind, the pelting rain was already on me. So I was forced to sprint blindly back to the place and hope I didn't get hit by lightning.

And whether fortunate or not, I didn't. I used my key to get inside the lobby and headed straight to the elevator, dripping all over the tiles. Luckily nobody else was coming in at that point so I took the time in the elevator to peel off my wet shirt and start wringing it out. All over the nice carpet in there too, oh well.

By the time I got to our door I was freezing but I wasn't about to put back on a wet shirt. I had gotten more soaked than the other day.

I dug my key back out of my wet pants and opened the door, quickly moving inside. I was leaving a wet trail.

AJ was sitting on the couch in the main room when I came in, watching something on TV. He glanced up at my entrance, just watching me.

"Yes, it's raining." I said it before he could even ask this time. It was almost useless to say though- you could obviously hear the pounding of rain on the roof, you could see it through the window, and even as the words were out of my mouth a big crash of thunder shook the place.

"Thanks for letting me know."

"Yeah." I just stood there, dripping wet and staring at him. I'm not sure why.

He kept watching me. "Go take a hot shower."

That sounded pretty good actually. A nice hot shower. I shivered slightly and started towards the bathroom, wiping my face with my wet shirt. I could think later, right now I was just going to take a shower.

I stayed in there awhile. As if that could wash away everything that was bothering me, everything that was going wrong. As if when I stepped out of the shower I would be able to start new.

But when I finally opened the bathroom door and stepped out of the hot steam, the sinking feeling was back to my stomach as soon as the cooler air hit me.

I sighed and headed to my my room slowly to get dressed. After taking my time in that I draped the wet towel over my head and headed back out into the main room. AJ hadn't moved.

"Better?" He looked at me.

I shrugged. Better than what.

"You just gonna stand there?"

I gave another shrug and AJ rolled his eyes.

"C'mon." He grabbed the towel off my head and twisted it, swiftly hitting me with it right on the seat of my pants. "You can sit with me, man. It won't kill you."

I just rolled my eyes at him and grabbed the towel back, plopping down on the couch with a sigh.

"You got a call before."

"I did?" I looked at him now with a frown. "What, my phone?"

"Yeah."

"Did you answer it?"

"No."

"Who was it?"

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Guess."

"Just tell me." I had a feeling.

"Rok."

And the feeling was right. My stomach did a little churn. "Oh."

"Oh," he repeated. "Yeah. So I threw out your cell."

"You what?" I swung my head around at him with an incredulous look. I took a deep breath, trying not to get worked up. "You're such a dick, AJ."

He started to chuckle.

"You dick," I repeated. I took the towel off my head and hit him with it, glaring. Why was he laughing? I hit him again harder and he grabbed onto the other end.

"Man, I didn't throw it out. Hell. If you noticed, it was on your bed."

"Oh." I sat back, embarrassed. "Sorry."

"Psh." He tugged at the towel. "And what's it matter, kid? You're not gonna call him back anyway."

He seemed to be waiting for an answer to that but I didn't say anything.

"Are you," he repeated.

I shrugged.

"What's that supposed to mean."

"It means I don't know. I don't fucking know, AJ, okay?"

He gave me a weird look then, as if to say 'why are you getting pissed at me for'. I didn't have an answer for that either.

"Is this the first time he called you here?"

I wasn't about to lie to him. I shook my head.

"Did you talk to him the other time he called?"

I shook my head again, shutting my eyes.

What was I doing.

"I don't know what to tell him, man," I mumbled, pulling my towel from him. He let me have it, and I draped it back over my head, liking the cool damp feeling even though I was cold.

AJ wasn't answering me. I opened my eyes and glanced at him. He frowned.

"What? Why you looking at me like that?"

"You're supposed to tell me what to do."

He let out a hoarse laugh. "Yeah right, man. As soon as I figure out something for myself I'll let you know." For some reason, that scared me.

"You think I should call him back?"

"He's gonna call again, man. You know that. There's no need for you to call him."

"Well then should I talk to him if he calls again?"

AJ shrugged. "Are you planning on going back there?"

I couldn't answer that. I rubbed the side of my face tiredly. I didn't know. I just wanted to go to bed for a long, long time. Forever. I almost wanted to take another shower and see if it would work this time.

"Nick?"

"I dunno."

"Well if you're not, then don't."

If you're not, then don't. Interesting. I thought about that for a minute but it didn't help me out at all. My mind felt like it was short circuiting.

"Aje?"

"Mm?" He was flipping channels on the TV and I don't think he really wanted to listen to me ramble anymore. I leaned my head back and studied the ceiling.

"What about you?"

"What about me."

"Are you going back?"

He shrugged, not looking at me. "Dunno."

I think we were both at dead ends.

"If we do go back, do you think things will be different?"

This time he shrugged. "You got a lot of questions, man."

"Yeah well I think too much, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember."

We didn't talk much after that. I can't even remember what was on the TV, I just sat there staring at it and not really paying attention to much of anything. I was thinking, but I don't even know what I was thinking about. It was like when you try real hard to concentrate on one thing and you just can't settle on anything.

"AJ," I started suddenly, but when I looked up he wasn't there. I was alone.

I frowned slightly and noticed the TV was off. The screen was dark and empty. I hadn't even noticed the sudden silence that had been looming for who knew how long.

The towel was still on my head so I pulled it off and got up from the couch, feeling kind of dizzy. I guess I was trying too hard to think or something.

The rain was still pelting the roof. I couldn't even see beyond the balcony, it was coming down so hard. I was trying to figure out what to do with myself when a flash of light momentarily lit up the outside and I saw a shadow out on the balcony.

So he hadn't left me after all.

I headed toward the sliding doors, I don't know why. When I had his company I really didn't want it, but when I was alone it was even worse. So I figured what the hell.

It took a bit of strength to slide the thick glass open against the wind, even just enough to let me out. It shut easily behind me. Once out there, it was so loud. The ripping, pounding, booming ... AJ didn't even know I was there. Until I grabbed the back of his neck, which made him jump about a foot.

He glared at me and said something but I could barely hear him, the surf and wind and rain was so loud.

"You left me," I told him, sliding one of the metal chairs a little closer. They were all wet even with the overhang, but I sat down anyway. I didn't really care.

"You were like a zombie," he muttered, still giving me a dirty look. "I was talking to you and you didn't even hear me."

I didn't answer.

"Besides I really don't feel like talking anymore."

Oh. Well that was fine. I didn't feel like talking anymore either. I moved my chair a little closer to the railing and leaned forward against the bars.

"You're gonna get struck by lightning."

"Good," I muttered.

"Right, there's another option you haven't thought of. It'll look like an accident. Hell though, dog, it might not even kill you. You'll just be brain-fried."

I was moving my chair back just so he would shut up. He just watched me for a second.

"You gonna go out some place with me tonight, man?"

I shrugged. "Where."

"Somewhere. Anywhere."

"I dunno."

AJ rolled his eyes. "See that's your problem. You never do anything. There's other things instead, man, to forget about shit. Sure they wear off, but in the meantime ..." He smiled slightly.

I nodded slightly, out of habit.

"Come with me tonight, we'll have some fun. Forget about some shit. Forget about being here."

I shrugged again. "Maybe."

"What're you gonna do then by yourself. Sleep?"

"Maybe," I repeated, a little annoyed. He shook his head.

"Come with me then. You still haven't met any California girls, man, we'll change that tonight."

California girls. Sounded fun. But for some reason, it wasn't getting me excited.

-

"Her name is Lola!"

AJ had to scream to be heard over the pounding club music, and as I looked at the girl hanging off of his arm and the one he was introducing to me, I began to wonder why it was that I came out with him again. I must have had some rationale.

Lola's brown eyes weren't focusing.

"Hi, I'm Lola," she repeated, as if I didn't hear AJ the first time. I didn't bother giving her my name. Lola, Lola, that sounded familiar. That song.

"Are you a showgirl?" I kept a serious face.

"I'll be your showgirl," she answered with a giggle. And I guess she thought that I had accepted her because she immediately latched on to my arm. I glanced around for AJ, but he was already gone. Somewhere in the crowd.

I don't know what club we were at this time, for all I knew it could have been the same one. Dark and crowded. All the people were too close together.

"You want a drink?" I asked Lola. I'd already had several drinks and I'm sure Lola had her share too but she readily agreed. So I weaved my way toward the bar with her hanging heavily off my arm.

Lola wouldn't let go off my arm. I gave her one of the 'house specialties' I had gotten and took a sip of my own. It burned as it went down but I immediately wanted more.

"So what do you do?"

"Do?" My head was buzzing.

"For a living, you know." She sagged on my arm, like she couldn't walk anymore. I was tempted to let her drop and leave her there to be stepped on.

"I live off my wealthy parents inheritance."

"Oh." That stumped her. Good. No more questions.

Unfortunately she seemed to perk up with that drink.

"Wanna dance?"

"Not really." I didn't really feel like being there.

I let her drag me out to the floor and was able to dance for about five minutes before I couldn't take it anymore. It was too crowded, too hot, and too much was spinning. Maybe I should have eaten something.

"I'm gonna go," I mumbled, starting to pull away from her.

"Already?" Lola kept on dancing. She was a maniac.

"Yes." I basically pushed her away, but only because she just wouldn't let go of me. I had to wait for the room to spin a little slower before I started walking.

Walking and looking for AJ.

One, two, three people asked me to dance. I ignored them. By the time I stumbled upon AJ I was so mad in my head that I almost didn't even see what he was doing.

"AJ, I wanna go."

"Nick! Hey, buddy c'mere." He hadn't heard me. He was still with that girl, and some other people too. "Listen-"

I wasn't listening, I wanted to go. Something rushed through my head, making me mad. As AJ went on about something stupid I grabbed his arm, starting to pull him up from the table.

"Shit Nicky you made me drop it," he was mumbling. As I held onto his arm, I watched the pale powder fall to the floor like snow and suddenly realized what he was doing. It floated down in slow motion, a minute whirlwind.

"Aje, I wanna go ..."

"Dammit man, I'm having a good time. You always ruin good times." His voice was jarbled and hoarse. "Okay, let's go. Let's go back to the balcony and take a giant step for mankind. We can -"

I stopped paying attention to him. I just wanted to get out. The people he left behind seemed to be angry or something, but all I heard was irritated voices in the back of my mind as we cleared out of there.

"And float down," AJ was saying as I pushed him toward the car. I started digging through my pockets for the keys but I wasn't coming up with them.

"You have keys?"

"I'll drive." He started coming around to the driver's side of the car but I pushed him back.

"Just gimme the keys."

"You're soused."

"So're you."

"Nicky."

"I'll drive, you always drive."

He looked at me a second, kind of confused like, but he tossed the keys over. My coordination wasn't very good at that point though and they clattered to the ground.

AJ chuckled to himself and moved around the other side of the car as I crouched down to pick them up. That made me majorly dizzy but I finally got myself behind the wheel and stared straight ahead, breathing deeply.

"Go ... c'mon." AJ snatched the keys from my limp hand and shoved them in the ignition blindly. "You didn't drag me out of there to sit in the friggin' car all night," he said as the engine roared to life. "Music, I need music."

I sat there as he turned the radio louder and started flipping stations. Music, music.

"I told Brian we were writing a song." I don't know why I said it, it just popped into my head.

"Huh?" AJ gave me a confused look and went back to the radio.

"I said we were gonna finish it on vacation."

"You're not making sense."

Nothing was making sense. I rubbed my eyes and face with my hands. "We were gonna finish it on vacation," I said a little more intensely.

"Yeah well we're on vacation and there's nothing to finish." AJ found a song to his liking and blasted the volume up, ignoring me.

Nothing to finish? Hell, there was something to finish. We just couldn't agree on when. I suddenly shoved the car into reverse and stepped on the gas.

I don't know how I got us back to the apartment, but it was as if I blinked and the next thing I could remember being conscious of was coming into our place, stepping through the door. Everything was blurry.

"Come on." AJ was pulling me forward, pulling me towards the sliding glass doors and yanking them open. The chill wind hit my face and I blinked, stepping through as if slow motion. "You ready, baby?"

"Ready for what?" I rubbed my eyes again, pushing back my hair and trying to get a good look at him. Everything seemed to be moving out of focus.

"We'll even count off like you like to do."

Count off? My stomach twisted.

"Hell, why don't we count backwards, huh? We'll start on three. Ready? Three ..."

"AJ?" My voice sounded really far away.

"Two ... Wait, we gotta get up here don't we?" He jerked two of the metal chairs forward, pushing them against the rails as they scraped loudly against the floor. He was still holding on to my arm.

"Aje, no ..."

"No?" He spun on me. "No? What, now you don't agree? I'm ready man, take it or leave it."

I hesitated and shook my head slowly, pulling back slightly against his hold. He was making me nervous. "Not like this ..."

"Not like this? What is fucking wrong with this, huh? I'm ready, man. I want it."

I couldn't talk.

"It doesn't always have to be your way, okay? It never is, you just always want it to be."

Never my way. This was my way.

"Let's go. Three ..."

It was all backwards. Him counting backwards almost made sense.

He stopped. "Why, Nick?" He was getting angry.

"Because ... I can't think."

"Think? You don't have to think, you have to jump," he said. His voice was all raspy.

"No, no ..." I started shaking my head hard. "I have to think. I have to know what I'm doing. I want to know what I'm doing."

"We're gonna end it, that's what we're doing. We're gonna stop everything. Make it all go away. Gone. Forever." He was rambling now. It was all mixing together. "Fly away ..."

I stepped backwards, pulling away from him.

There was a long minute of silence.

"You know ..." he said, and now he sounded near breaking. "I thought coming out here ... I thought we could take some time off and come back and that would fix things."

I watched him carefully, feeling kind of dizzy. A wave crashed down on the beach.

"But now I'm not so sure."

I stared at him, swallowing slowly. My mind was too cluttered to answer.

"Look at us, man," he spat. He kicked at the chairs and they moved with a clatter against each other. I looked at the chairs instead of him. "Damn, look at us."

"I'm gonna go to bed," I said slowly, fumbling behind me for the door's handle. I got a hold on it and slid the glass open little by little, watching him carefully. I don't know why I did, nothing was making sense. "I'm gonna go to sleep."

"Good night," he said bluntly, turning his face away from me. I just slipped inside through the door and left it open behind me, I guess in a way thinking he was going to come in too. I don't know what I was thinking.

-

Morning.

I had woken up, but I didn't open my eyes. I think I had been hoping I wouldn't wake up. That would be the easiest. I wouldn't even ever know because I would never think again.

I think the first sign that something's not going right is when you wake up in the morning and you just don't want to get up. You wake up and without any thought of anything crossing your mind, you already have that heavy, pitless feeling in your stomach.

And then you tell yourself that you don't care about anything, and it still doesn't go away.

Something had to be very wrong.

I opened my eyes finally and when the clock on the night table came into view I realized it wasn't even morning at all, it was afternoon. Late afternoon.

I didn't like being alone. Although oftentimes all I wished for in the world was to be alone, I didn't like it. Maybe it was because I hardly ever got that wish.

But I did now.

"AJ?" I knocked before I pushed open his door but it didn't make a difference. He was sound asleep, sprawled across the bed like there was no tomorrow.

Yeah, no tomorrow. I stared at him for a few minutes.

"You're a dumb shit," I told the sleeping AJ. He didn't answer. I was going to leave the room then but something caught my eye on the dresser. His cigarettes.

They always seemed to make him relax some. So I grabbed the pack, looking inside. Three left. I snatched the silver lighter off the tabletop too and headed to the door.

He let me smoke one time when I was a kid but basically it just made me sick and what was supposed to be our little secret just turned into a mess. It never interested me much after that. He was never a heavy smoker himself, just on and off. More sometimes than others.

I slid open the balcony doors and started to think that last night had been some sort of dream. A weird dream. But as I stepped outside I saw the two chairs up against the rail. Not a dream.

I grabbed one of them and pulled it back a little so I could sit down. The beach looked empty. I slid one of the cigarettes out of the pack and then dropped the package on the floor before lighting up.

It took one tiny puff from the thing and I started coughing. Didn't exactly make me feel better. I waited for a minute and then tried again. Not as bad.

I heard the door being slid open but I didn't look back. No more alone. Actually, we were both alone together.

"Hey."

"Hi," I greeted, but I started coughing again. Yeah, that looked cool.

"Don't suck in so much." AJ started pulling back the other chair, sinking into it as he watched me. "Hell buddy, don't even start. Can I finish that?"

I handed it over to him.

"You woke up and just decided to start smoking?"

"You seem to like it."

He shrugged. "It's not that I like it. I can't help it."

Yeah right.

"I have such a headache," he muttered, taking a long drag on the cigarette. "Migraine."

"Me too."

"Yeah, huh. I was gonna keep sleeping but I couldn't 'cause of the damn headache."

I didn't answer. I knew I didn't have to. He would keep the conversation going anyway.

"Did you have fun last night?" He wiggled his eyebrows and I frowned slightly.

"Last night?"

"Mm-hm."

"Fun?"

"Yes, Nick. Fun. F-u-n."

I had a feeling AJ didn't remember a lot of last night. I just shook my head slightly.

"Oh that's right, you never have fun. Sorry, I forgot."

I frowned. "I have fun."

"When?"

"Lots of times. I always have fun. I make fun."

AJ stared at me for about a second before he started laughing. "You make fun," he repeated. He took another drag of the cigarette.

"Yes."

"How do you make fun?"

"Well, for one, I try not to hang out with you too much." There, I literally made fun.

His smile faded. "Thanks a lot."

"I'm kidding. I don't know, man." I looked out across the beach. "You wanna go swimming?"

AJ just shook his head. "Not really... You notice there's never anyone on this beach? It's always empty."

"That's not true."

"I haven't seen one person."

"I have. Besides I like it empty."

AJ shrugged. "Yeah. I guess I do too."

-

"So um, where do you live?"

She pointed down the beach, past where I had ever been. "See that little place over there?"

I could hardly make anything out.

"It looks like a shack sort of?"

"Okay," I said.

"That's where I live," she said absently. "My sister and I. We've been there a couple of months now. You?"

"Up there." I motioned the other way up the beach. You couldn't see it from here anyway. I let my feet into the cool water.

"By yourself?"

"With my brother."

-

"You hungry?"

"No." I didn't even look up from the TV. The weather was on for God's sake.

"You wanna go out somewhere?"

"No."

"You wanna do something?"

"No ..."

"You just gonna sit there?"

"No." I had stopped paying attention to his questions.

"Then what're you gonna do?"

"No," I said absently.

AJ plopped down on the couch next to me. He was going stir crazy. He couldn't stay inside for long periods of time. Unless he was doing something. He had to be doing something. "Nick?"

I looked over at him. "Yeah?"

"What's up."

"Nothing."

"And what do you plan on doing with the rest of your day?"

I shrugged.

"Sitting there?"

"Maybe."

"That's all you ever say. It's always maybe. Decide on something for once. You're always stuck between things. Stuck between everything."

I rolled my eyes. Thanks for clearing that one up, AJ.

"Like are we staying are going?"

"Going where," I said without thinking.

"Back, Nick."

Oh. My stomach sort of twisted. "I don't know ..."

"Maybe, right?" His rough voice was sarcastic. "How long is it until maybe turns into some sort of answer?"

"I don't know ..." I repeated softly.

"Well I don't know either, man." He leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling as if there were some sort of answer up there. "We can't stay here forever."

"I know that."

"And the longer we stay here the more shit there'll be if we go back."

"I know, AJ."

"Then?"

"What the hell do you want me to say, AJ? You wanna hop on another plane tomorrow? Try someplace else? It's just gonna be the same. Here, there, or back."

"So you want to end it?"

"That's not what I said." My voice sounded sharp. I shut my eyes and quickly counted to three. But when you're the only other person in a conversation, it's not exactly going to end without you.

"Wake up, Nick."

I ignored him.

"Look Carter, all I'm sayin' is-"

Ringing interrupted him.

I opened my eyes. "Where's my phone," I demanded. I was tired of trying to figure out something. I was going to answer it.

"Leave it," AJ muttered. It was on the second ring.

"Where is it." He didn't answer. "I wanna talk to Brian, AJ, where's the fucking phone?"

"It's your phone, how the hell should I know?"

I got up from the couch and tried to follow the sound of the ringing. I was starting to get frustrated as it hit the fifth ring.

"Nick, don't bother," AJ said as I finally came across it.

I shook my head and flipped it on. "Hello?"

There was a pause.

"Brian?" I tried.

Something inside me sank as the woman on the other end asked if Marla was there.

"Wrong number," I muttered to her, flipping it off and tossing the thing. Son of a bitch. I finally answer and it's even him. "Dammit." I looked up.

AJ was watching me carefully from the couch, his expression unreadable. "Sorry," he said finally.

"Whatever." I gave the coffee table a kick as I left the room.

-

We just sat there. I don't know why I kept coming back, but for some reason I did, and so did she. Everyday.

She watched that invisible point in the distance and I watched the waves washing in and washing out. A piece of light driftwood floated out to sea, caught up in a current.

It was cold. The water was cold, the air was cold. The rock I was sitting on was cold. I saw the darkening on the horizon as twilight moved in and I started to get to my feet without saying anything.

"Hey," she said suddenly.

I paused and looked at her, balanced between two rocks. A wave crashed down in the second silence, and I felt a light spray of salty mist from the wind.

"I'm not afraid anymore."

I watched her face for a minute but she had already turned her head back the other way. I frowned slightly, not saying anything in response. No more fear. I started moving but this weird feeling went through me and I paused, looking back.

"See you tomorrow," I said.

She didn't look up from her distant point.

-

"Nick?"

I glanced up, breaking my gaze from my cell phone. It just sat there on the coffee table, silent. I don't know why I thought staring at it would make it ring, but that's what I was doing.

"You know, looking at the thing all day isn't going to make it ring."

"I know."

"Then?"

I shrugged and gave the phone another glance. "You think he's gonna even call back?"

It took a second for him to answer. "Probably, man."

"But what if he doesn't?"

"Then he doesn't." Simple words. If he didn't then I could pretty much assume that the best friend I left on the other side of the country had given up on me.

I shook my head. "Well if he doesn't then I'm not going back."

"And you reasoning would be ..." AJ's voice had this tired tone.

"If he doesn't care, AJ, then I'm not ..." I trailed off, my 'reasoning' sounding stupid even to me. I decided to put it simply. "If he doesn't call, he doesn't care."

"So his not calling, that means he doesn't care," AJ repeated.

I gave a slight nod.

"You care about him, yes?"

I made a face. "Well, yeah, of course."

"I don't see you calling him."

I was silent for a minute. "That's different."

"It's not. Your reasoning sucks," AJ said flatly.

I couldn't exactly argue that. "It's different," I repeated.

"Suit yourself, Nicky." He leaned his head back and shut his eyes as he said it.

I watched him for a minute, listening to the silence in the room. "You okay?"

"Fine. Why?"

"I don't know. You just seem ... tired or something." Or something. He'd been acting kind of down lately.

"I am tired," was all he said.

I nodded, I guess mostly to myself because he couldn't see me with his eyes closed. "Are you going out tonight?"

"No."

I frowned slightly. AJ went to the extremes sometimes. One day all he'd want to do was party, and the next ... he would be like this.

"Are you gonna?" he asked, his eyes still shut.

"No."

1