Leaving On a Jet Plane - Part 3

She wasn't there.

For the first time since I don't know how long, the rocks were empty. The whole beach was empty. There was no silhouette sitting on the rocks, nothing.

I blinked, expecting to see something appear, but nothing. No one.

I guess I could have told myself to be happy that I finally had the place to myself, since that was what I convinced myself I came here for everyday- to be alone. But even though I came here to be alone I had gotten used to the fact that someone else was trying to be alone here too. Someone who maybe understood some things, and even though we hardly even talked maybe understood me.

But there was no one else there, and there was still no one else coming as I slowly started out on the rocks. I kept glancing behind me, but no one was there.

I sank onto a rock at the end, letting the rushing sound of the waves fill everything. But I was distracted.

Not afraid anymore. Not afraid, not afraid.

She had said she probably wouldn't be coming back here much even on day one, but she had. I hadn't thought I would be coming back either. Maybe we were both kind of curious to see who would stop first.

I swallowed slightly. If only I knew if her not coming back would mean the same thing as if I didn't come back.

Not afraid.

I wasn't afraid either. Well maybe. I didn't think I was.

I watched as a pelican dove down into a water, burying its whole head under the wave. When he came back up floating, he tossed up a fish and swallowed it whole.

I wasn't so sure about anything anymore.

For awhile I just sat there, not really thinking about anything. Just thinking and sometimes singing to myself because I knew that no one could hear me. I told myself I liked being alone. But after awhile I started to get up.

Okay, so she didn't come. No big deal. I didn't even know her really, not at all. I didn't even know her name, nevermind anything about her. And I didn't want to know either. I didn't want to have anything to do with her. It had been fine when she was around, but it was fine now too.

But somehow I couldn't get the worry out of the back of my mind, even for someone I didn't know. As I hiked over the last few rocks and let my feet sink into the sand, I thought for a second and then instead of starting back in the direction of the apartment, I moved the other way, the part of the beach where I hadn't been.

It was a long walk, but after a little while I was looking at the weathered and gnarled looking old shack-like house that she had pointed out to me.

I started over the fence that separated it from the beach. I could only hope that she hadn't lied and I would be coming face-to-face with a eight-foot ogre wielding a shotgun.

But it was quiet and dark, and no one seemed to really be around at all. I wasn't sure why I came there to begin with, maybe just curiosity, but I made myself go to the front and knock at the craggy old door.

I don't know what I was hoping for, but I kind of felt relieved when no one answered. If someone had I don't know what I would have said.

I kicked at the dirt walkway as I made my way away from the door. Maybe they moved.

Then something caught my eye. The mailbox.

Without thinking I pulled it open and drew out the only piece of mail in there. I flipped it over and read the name. Bowen.

"Hey!"

Oh geez, the ogre was real. I quickly shoved the mail back in the crooked box and pushed it closed. But when I spun around, someone was in my way.

A unshaven, older man was frowning. The owner of the gruff voice. "Can I help you?"

I shook my head slightly, a little nervous.

"That's tampering with US mail."

I was silent. I didn't know what to say to the guy.

"That's a federal offense."

"I just wanted the name."

"Bowen. Anything else?"

I started to shake my head and then stopped. "Where'd they go."

The man studied me for a minute and wiped his hands on his already dirty jeans before clearing his throat. "Hospital. Jenny told me watch the house 'cause the younger one's hurt."

"Hurt?"

"Yeah," he said gruffly. "Hurt. Now get out of here before I call the cops."

"How's she hurt?"

"Look kid, they keep their own business, I keep mine." He gave me a little push. "Go."

I didn't want to argue him on it, so I just headed back in the direction I had come from, a new feeling in the pit of my stomach. When I was on the sand I started back toward the apartments, my pace quicker than normal.

By the time I reached the building I was breathing heavily. I dug quickly through my pocket for the key to let me in and then hurried across the lobby for the elevator.

Top floor, top floor. I sprinted down the hall and unlocked our door.

"Aje?"

He didn't answer me but he was laying on the couch inside, half-asleep and smoking a cigarette with this lost look on his face. He'd had that look a lot lately.

"Aje ...?" I slowed my pace with him, still trying to catch my breath. "AJ?"

"Go 'head," he mumbled. "Whatever you wanna do, go 'head."

"AJ."

"I said go a-fucking-head, Nick."

"Bone?"

He finally looked up, taking a long drag on the cigarette. "What."

I sat down on the coffee table in front of the couch, leaving forward slightly and trying to think. Think of what exactly I wanted to say.

"What," he repeated. He sounded detached.

"Can you come to the hospital with me?"

He blew out smoke at me. "You don't need two people to voluntarily check yourself into the psych ward."

"I'm being serious."

"So am I," he muttered, shifting down so that he was lying down flat. "Nick, I don't feel like going anywhere."

"But I want you to come." Now.

"I don't feel like going anywhere," he repeated, his voice gruff. "Especially a hospital."

"Please, I wanna go now. Before it's too late, AJ, please."

"What the hell you want to go there for."

"Visit somebody."

"You don't know anybody out here."

"I do ..." Kind of. Don't ask their name. "I want you with me."

"Why."

"'Cause I want you with me."

"Why."

"One favor, man."

AJ rolled his eyes, pushing himself up tiredly. I smiled slightly. Hadn't lost him completely yet.

-

I hate hospitals. I really do. I guess it's safe to say that no one really loves a hospital, but my dislike really verges on the extreme. So when I was walking through halls of one with AJ trailing somewhere behind me, I really started wondering why I was coming there for a complete and total stranger.

"Last name?"

"Bowen."

"First name."

A complete and total stranger who I hardly knew the name of. I was silent, and the red manicured nails halted their clicking on the keyboard.

"Sir?"

I cleared my throat. "I'm not sure."

The woman gave me this annoyed stare.

So did AJ, but he muttered something under his breath at me and moved to stand at the window across the hall.

"Excuse me?"

I threw my gaze back at the lady, leaning forward slightly on the desk. "Look, she was brought in today, she's a girl, I'm not sure what's wrong but it-"

"Sir?"

I kept going on about something, I'm not even sure what about, and she suddenly snapped her fingers in front of my face.

I blinked.

"Why are you visiting someone you don't know the name of?"

I stared at her. Good question, lady. I chewed the inside of my cheek, looking at her and trying to think of an answer.

I didn't know why. Maybe it was because I wanted to see what happened when you weren't afraid anymore. Or maybe I was just on a pity trip. Maybe I was just curious. Human nature.

"Kid -"

She wasn't calling me 'sir' anymore.

And someone was behind me.

"Look, if you just check ... How many Bowens could there be and-"

"Have a nice day." She looked beyond me to the next person but I didn't move.

"Look, just take a second to-"

"If you need to be escorted out, I'm sure we'd be able to accommodate you."

She was looking at me like I was crazy. Hell, I was crazy. I didn't even know why I came.

AJ was still standing by the window with his back to me, and I just stood there a second after I got away from the desk, just staring at him. Sometimes, you can look at someone you think you know really well, and start to wonder who they really are.

He was humming or singing something under his breath and staring down at something outside.

"AJ?"

He didn't answer. It was like I wasn't even there.

"Aje?" I touched his shoulder and he jerked back. I hesitated. "What're you looking at?"

"The falling rain."

"Oh."

It wasn't raining.

"It's getting heavy, Nick." He tore his gaze away from the window and seemed to look at me, but it was more like he was looking right through me.

"Jays, we can go now."

He didn't answer.

"AJ, we can-"

Ringing. I froze and cut myself off, starting to dig the phone out of my pocket. Yes. I flipped it open but a sudden hand came down on top of it, swiftly flipping the whole thing off.

"AJ-"

It wasn't AJ.

"Sir, no cell phones or electonic devices are allowed in this wing of the hospital." This large security type guy pointed to a sign mounted on the wall in front of us and sure enough it stated the same message.

"But," I started. My mouth was probably hanging open. My call. I took a deep breath and slowly took the phone back from the man. I wasn't going to cry in front of him.

I missed my call. No big deal. I wasn't going to cry at all.

No big deal, no big deal.

"AJ," I started again, and my voice sounded hoarse. It sounded strange, even to me.

"Huh," he said. His eyes were back on the window. I moved a little closer to him.

"We can go."

"Nick ..."

"Yeah."

"Why the hell did you wanna come here?"

I hesitated. I wished I could explain it to him, because I had thought I had some sort of reason, but now was different. Now I couldn't even explain it to myself. "I don't know."

He didn't answer me. He just stared out the window.

"We can go," I said softly, and I pulled on his arm a little.

"Who called?" he said suddenly. "Was it Rok?"

I didn't mean to hesitate but I did. "I - I don't know ..." My voice was hoarse. "Can we go?"

He let out a curse and pushed himself away from the window. "Yeah, go."

I looked one time out the window as he started down the hall. The sky outside was crisp and blue, and without a cloud as far as the eye could see.

Rain. Heavy rain.

I shook my head, frowning slightly.

-

It was quiet.

Too quiet. It was the kind of quiet that made you want to start talking to yourself or something, just so it wasn't so silent. I'm not sure if I started talking to myself or not, but if I didn't then I was getting pretty close.

I don't know what put me alone in the first place, it's like when you throw yourself down somewhere and then you forget what you were doing but you don't want to move. And then you forget how long you've been laying there and so you try and start backtracking in your mind. Then of course when you start backtracking you start thinking of other things as well, and it's all downhill from there.

And drowning in your own thoughts is not the best way to go. As my mind started to wander to other things I pulled myself up off my bed and tried to motivate myself toward the door. Surprisingly enough it was locked, but I didn't remember doing that.

AJ was sitting in one of the armchairs, a leg pulled up to balance something he was writing. I hesitated in the doorway a second, just watching him. And thinking.

I let out a long breath.

I could tell he was in one of those inverted moods but I honestly didn't care. "Aje."

"Mm." He didn't look up, but at least he answered. I paused a second.

"What're you writing?"

"A dissertation," he said sarcastically.

I didn't answer to that and he finally raised his head. His eyes looked bloodshot.

"What do you think I'm writing."

A song, a letter, it could be anything. So I didn't make a guess. Probably a song. I bet it was about the rain he saw outside. I leaned against the frame of the door tiredly. "AJ?"

"What, pal."

"How long have we been here?" I had been trying to figure it out in my mind, but it was weird. Even when you make a huge change, after a while that change it seems habitual. Like you were doing it your whole life. And the stuff you used to do, it seems so far away in the past, years away.

"I dunno."

Oh.

He was looking down at his paper again, his pen hesitating for a second and then scribbling something down. I picked at the wood on the doorframe absently. "Aje?"

He jerked his head up. "Fuck, Nick, ask it all at once, okay? You're really drawing this conversation out."

I stared at him.

"I'm trying to fucking write something and you -"

"Sorry," I interrupted. "I'm sorry, okay?"

He leaned his head back in his chair. "What is it, dog?"

I couldn't remember. Damn. He was going to kill me.

"Nick?"

"What day'd we get here?" It wasn't what I had wanted to ask him, but it was good enough.

"Man, I don't know. How the hell should I know." He shook his head. "Why don't you just go call Brian and find out."

I stared at him.

"Just go do something."

"Fine," I muttered. "I'll bother you later."

He actually chuckled at that. "Yeah, bother me later."

-

For awhile there, time had felt like it had been going by pretty fast. Each day seemed brief but by the end of it, it felt like a month had swept by in that twenty-four hour span. A year. There were three hundred and sixty-five days in twenty-four hours.

The thought of it made me sick. The thought of everything made me sick.

"It doesn't seem so bad now."

"Huh." AJ's usual response.

I expected it though, since neither of us had spoken for about forty minutes so I wasn't expecting him to be with me when I finally did. "The stuff we were doing before this."

He was still blank.

"The group stuff, it doesn't seem so bad now."

He let out what sounded like a cough. "Man, after every vacation you wanna get back and then you're there and you wish you were back on vacation. It's like little kids crazy to get back to school at the end of the summer. You get there and it's still the same hell you left, no matter how much you forgot."

I didn't answer. He was right.

I kicked at the sand slightly. I had convinced him to come with me. I don't remember what I said, but there we were.

"Are you saying you don't want to go back?"

"I'm saying that nothing's gotten better since we've been gone," he said.

"It could have. What do you know."

"It hasn't ... What, you want back?"

"Do you?"

He didn't answer. I guess I was first.

"No."

"No," he repeated. He stopped walking. "Man. What the fuck is this. Is it a vacation? A never-ending holiday? Quitting, retirement, what?"

I stayed silent. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know.

"I came with you, but I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't even know if it's your thing or mine."

I didn't either.

He started walking again without waiting for a response from me so I didn't give one. I didn't know where to start anyway. It was the first time we'd mentioned any of that shit for days.

He was mumbling stuff under his breath now.

"We could get jobs or something."

He stopped again. "Jobs? Damn man, we have jobs. We've always had jobs. That's the fucking problem."

"It was just a suggestion."

"Yeah well," he muttered.

"What's your problem, man?" I looked at him for the first time. "This was supposed to be a vacation, not a pity-trip. It was just supposed to be some time off."

"Is that all," he said sarcastically.

"Yes."

But that wasn't all it was. I wasn't even sure about all it was.

"Well it was a vacation unless we decided to make it something different."

AJ raised his eyebrows at me, as if to say, 'See?'. He shook his head. "And so?"

"And so ..." I repeated. What did he want?

"And so did we make it something different."

I kicked at the sand again and looked away toward the sea again. "I'm kind of still trying to figure that part out."

"Well me too," was all he said.

-

I tried calling Brian myself.

Even as I dialed the number, I still wasn't sure I wanted to. But I had been thinking about AJ's reasoning about me not calling him and him not calling me, and I figured that I might as well do it. I could always hang up.

And I was actually debating whether or not I would. One, two, three rings. But before the thing got to the fourth it transferred over to his voicemail and then I knew he wasn't there. I clicked it off. He wasn't even there.

Oh well.

I didn't even know if I was relieved or disappointed. I didn't really feel anything about it, either way. I leaned back on the couch and glanced at AJ's slumped position on the other chair.

And then I glanced at the TV that I had turned on before. Watching cartoons. Even shows didn't seem the same anymore. Nothing seemed the same.

"We could go someplace else."

I looked up at AJ's comment. Go someplace else. He brought his beer up to his lips again and shrugged slightly.

"Someplace else," I repeated.

"Mm."

"You want to?"

He hesitated. "I don't know."

"You think it'll be better?"

This time he didn't hesitate. "No." He stared at the top of the bottle. "Not one bit."

He said it more to himself than to me, and the drink went to his lips again.

I picked at the uneven fabric of the couch. I didn't think it would be any better either.

We were slipping away. Slowly but surely. Something was changing. Something had been changing. And for a long time now, not just recently. I just still didn't know what it was.

AJ was humming under his breath again. I glanced at the clock but it made no impression on me. I had no use for time.

"Jay-"

"I'm gonna go out."

It was as if he spoke the same time I started to.

"Out?"

"Mm. Later, Nick." He pulled himself out of his seat, stiffly almost, leaving the tainted colored bottle on the coffee table.

I didn't look at him but I sort of waited for some sort of invitation to go with him, he was always wanting me to do some sort of thing with him. But it didn't come. And I wasn't about to invite myself.

"Where're the car keys."

"You okay to drive?"

"Nick. Where," he repeated.

Of course I knew he wasn't going to answer me. I pointed to the counter.

"Bye." I still didn't look at him. I heard the keys scrape against the smooth surface as he got his hands on them.

"Later," he said again.

-

Later was exercised to both its literal and exaggerated meanings. Both night and day passed before I saw the guy again, and to be honest I'm not even sure what I did during that time.

Actually the fact he was even gone didn't really hit me until I went to say something to him the next day and actually looked for him, before I remembered he went somewhere.

Even then I was still kind of distracted and it still didn't really dawn on me until I wanted to go somewhere and realized the car was still gone.

I just stared at the empty spot for a few minutes and actually wondered if he would ever just leave me. I wasn't really sure at that point. And I told myself I really didn't care.

I don't know if I did or not.

Actually I wondered if he would care if I left. But seeing as I didn't have any mode of transportation, there wasn't really anyway that would happen anyway. So I was stuck wondering if I was the abandonee.

I don't know why I thought I wanted him back anyway, neither of us were much company to the other. Or maybe it was the thought of being out here alone.

There was no one else around in the parking lot, besides the few scattered cars. It was empty. Kind of the way I was feeling. Or not feeling. Just that empty, gnawing, something.

There was a slight wind blowing, enough to make you blink when you faced it, and I started down to the beach distractedly. I figured if I took a walk he would be back by the time I was.

But I didn't feel like walking at all. Either way, left or right. I didn't feel like going anywhere.

The sand was cold to my feet, not like the hot summer sand that you quickly hurry over to get to the wet packed sand before you burn. It was just cold. Damp and cold.

But I took a seat, on the damp gritty ground, and just stared at the water. It should have been relaxing. It used to be, it was supposed to be, but it wasn't.

So I gave up staring at the greeny-blue vastness and dropped flat on my back, staring up at the sky instead. Maybe that would work its wonders.

I would have gone to work trying to think of what the clouds were shaped like but the sky was just web-like stretch of stratus clouds, grayish wisps that simply looked just like clouds. Sad clouds.

So instead I thought of the guys. I thought about what they might have been doing at the same moment I was just laying there, and it was weird because I couldn't even think of anything they might have been. Probably fighting over something. Or probably not.

I let out a breath and shut my eyes against the wispy grayness. Then I breathed in deeply and listened to the surf. It sounded like a was surrounded by it on all four sides.

I tried to clear my mind of every single thought, and tried to think of absolutely nothing. But then I started thinking about how to think about nothing. So I gave up on it.

Then I tried holding my breath. I wanted to let go of everything. Quit trying to think of what to do with myself, where I was going to be in a month, where to go. It wasn't going to matter.

But I was trying so hard not think of any of that stuff that I started to forget to hold my breath. I was breathing again normally before I even realized it.

It frustrated me for a minute but then sleep came.

-

When I opened my eyes, the greeny-blue expanse had darkened and the stratus web looked black. There weren't many stars out, and the sand underneath my back felt like ice. It had stuck to me, on my shirt, in my hair. I felt a chill go through me as I sat up and got to my feet.

The car still wasn't back in the lot. I frowned slightly when I looked, but it didn't impress me either way. I was still half in a sort of dream world anyway.

I wasn't sure what to do with myself at that point so I just slowly went up to the apartment.

I walked around the place, sort of the way you would when you're left alone in someone else's home or in an unfamiliar place, not turning on any of the lights. I paused in AJ's doorway and just looked, not moving inside.

A little I found myself crashing in the armchair. Just sitting there in the dark, not really thinking of anything in particular. Trying to remember again why I was out here, what I thought I was going to do.

I was pretty much in a trance when I heard the door open a few hours later. I squinted tiredly at the figure moving into the room.

"Hey," AJ said in a low voice when he saw I was awake.

I didn't say anything I just watched him as he disappeared into the kitchen. I heard the refrigerator being opened and then he reappeared with a beer in his hand, dropping on the couch.

I watched him a minute, trying to get into a less crooked position in my chair. "I was beginning to wonder if you were comin' back."

He nodded slowly in the dimness. "Yeah me too ..."

That made me frown.

He took a sip from his bottle and then set it down next to the other one on the coffee table.

"Where'd you go?" I was talking softly, we both were, as if the dim lighting called for it.

I barely could make out his shrug.

"What's that mean."

He shrugged again.

Great.

AJ sat up slightly. "I'm beat, man ... You can finish." Without waiting for a reply he put the bottle into my hand and hit the side of my head affectionately. "Later."

I brought the bottle to my lips.

Yeah. Later.

-

By the time AJ got up and rejoined me the next day, I was in the middle of a Rugrats marathon. Actually I never left the couch, not that I remember anyway, and if I ever went to sleep it was right there.

"Have you moved?"

Those were the words that signaled AJ was up. "Morning." It had to be past noon, but I said it anyway.

"Uh, morning."

I sat up slightly in the armchair as he dropped onto the couch. He looked drained. I felt drained. I wondered if I looked it.

"Have you been here all night?"

I shrugged, slightly. "I guess. I don't know."

"You've been here the whole night .... watching cartoons?"

"No," I argued. He said it in such a sarcastic tone. I didn't know when I had started watching. "Did you sleep good?"

"No," he mumbled. He moved his neck a little. "Ugh. You?"

I couldn't even remember if I had slept so I just shrugged a little.

AJ hadn't seemed to be waiting for an answer anyway.

I ran a hand through my messy hair and it felt gritty. From sand. I sat up slightly. I needed to take a shower.

AJ was already flipping the channel on the TV. I didn't say anything though. Who cared if Tommy ever got his beach ball back.

"I'm gonna shower."

"Have fun," came the dry answer.

I wish I could have.

I turned up the water as hot as I could stand when I was in there. The scalding heat felt good against my skin. It hurt, but it was a good pain. Because I could feel it.

I stayed in there a long time too, trying to wash everything away. Burn everything away. But it wasn't going anywhere, no matter how hot the water was.

The bathroom was all foggy when I turned off the water. Smoky. I could barely see where the sink, or where anything was. It was like there was a fire.

A fire. Burning away everything.

When I opened the bathroom door, I was immediately met with the cool air. I almost wanted to stay in the room, in the smoke. Until it cleared away, or until everything on the outside cleared away.

It made me shut the door again and I must have waited awhile thinking that because the next time opening the door even crossed my mind most of the steam from the shower had dissipated.

I opened the door and stepped out.

When I joined AJ again a couple minutes later, he had MTV on. And a weird expression on his face. I didn't say anything, I just sat down.

"Backstreet Boys are postponing their upcoming tour."

I looked up, frowning slightly. The way he said it made it sound like somebody else. I rubbed the side of my face. It was somebody else.

"I didn't know they had an upcoming tour."

I was doing it to. They.

AJ didn't answer.

"Did they give a reason?" I absently reached for one of the bottles on the table, to see if there was anything left. I don't know why. If there had been I wouldn't have drunk it.

"Technical difficulties."

I didn't say anything. More like mental technicalities. I didn't know we had an upcoming tour.

I glanced over at AJ, and he was hunched over writing something. In that little notebook. He was nodding slightly as he scribbled it down too, as if he had a beat for it or something.

He still had the look on his face.

My stomach suddenly felt weird.

Maybe I was hungry. I hadn't eaten anything. Not in a long time.

"Aje?"

I had to wait a little bit but he looked up.

"You want to go get something to eat?"

He shook his head. "I can't eat. You can go."

I didn't think I could really eat either. I stayed where I was.

When I looked up again I realized he had stopped writing and was watching me. With that weird expression on his face.

"What."

"Nothing." He shook his head. For a second he looked past me, but then his eyes were back on me. "You okay?"

I was surprised almost. But I just watched the pen he was jiggling between his two fingers and shrugged. "Fine."

I was always fine.

-

I'm not sure what I was really doing later. AJ had disappeared off somewhere to never-neverland and I was just left to sitting there. Well at one point I was just sitting there but then my eyes got caught on a lighter AJ left on the coffee table and everything kind of went from there.

The cigs I left alone but the silver lighter I fingered and then picked up. I started doing this thing where I was just flicking the lighter, watching the flame, blowing it out. Again and again.

Maybe I was trying to figure out the fascination that pyromaniacs held for a flame. Or maybe I held some sort of fascination myself, or just the idea that such a little flicker could erase everything.

But then the fascination with the flame itself died and I let it have a rendez-vouz with a piece of paper. I blew it out, looked at how the edge of it was browned, blackened on the outermost like an old manuscript or something, and then lit it again.

It smoked, like the smoky fog in the bathroom.

I stared at it.

"Hey Nick-?"

AJ.

I jumped a little in surprise, letting the flame fall and just staring at him in silence. I don't know why.

"Nick?" AJ's face went from confusion to something on the other end of the spectrum. "Nick, fuck!"

He was striding toward me and I instinctively grabbed the paper that was no longer a piece of paper but a fire breathing dragon that was trying to take the coffee table and everything adjacent with it.

I dropped it again because it was trying to eat my hand and grabbed a towel off the back of the couch to try and smother it.

AJ was already trying to.

"Are you a fucking retard?"

I stayed silent because the smoke detector on the ceiling decided to start screaming at me too.

I winced.

"Jesus Christ ..." AJ continued with a long phrase of words that I didn't think Christ would really appreciate, but I didn't say anything.

I just let AJ finished hitting out the flames and grabbed a chair to reach the howling smoke detector. There was no off-switch so I took out the batteries. No more detector.

But it was still howling.

It took me a second to realize that it was the telephone.

"Hello?" AJ had picked it up. The flames were out.

I looked down at my hand. The dragon had done a job to my palm.

"No, no, everything's fine," AJ was saying. "We burnt something in the kitchen." There was a long pause. "No, no big deal, just have to find something else to eat. Uh huh, thanks ..." He hung up the phone and looked at me.

There was a moment of silence.

"Hey," I said.

AJ was breathing in and out. "That was next door."

"We have neighbors?"

The evenness of his breathing disappeared. "What the hell is your problem?"

I frowned. "Well I just never saw anyone else in the building-"

"No!"

I stared at him.

I swear he was angry.

"You've decided to become a fucking arsonist?"

"Oh, that."

"Oh that," he mocked, his eyes drifting to the coffee table. It looked a little charred. As did the magazines and other things that had been on it.

The dragon really did a job.

"I was just ..." I shrugged slightly. "It's no big deal."

"Oh, it's not?"

"No, it's fine." I guess I didn't catch the sarcasm. Or I didn't want to.

"You almost burnt the place down." His voice was sharp.

"It wasn't that bad, man."

"You didn't even realize it was burning."

"You caught me off guard."

"Me? I caught you off guard."

"Yeah." The air smelled a little smoky. I looked down at my hand again. "It bit me," I told him.

"What?" He was losing patience. "It bit you? Fuck man, you deserve to be burned. You're like a little kid. No fire." He retrieved his lighter from the table and held it up. "Mine. Not yours."

I think he was trying to be funny. But he wasn't smiling.

"Shit man, what if I wasn't here." He was making such a big deal. I didn't see it. "You'd have fucking burned the whole place down."

"No, I wouldn't have had a lighter."

He hit me hard for that in the arm. "I swear to God ..."

He moved away, starting to mutter things about crazy people and how they should be locked up before they hurt other people or something along those lines. He was a hypocrite when he was angry.

I was starting to feel my hand.

I looked at the table again. It wasn't a big deal. I'm not really sure how it even happened.

-

Burns hurt.

Like hell.

I was sitting there, staring at the table and trying to think. I don't know what I was trying to think about, but it wasn't working.

I didn't even like fire.

AJ was in the same room as me now, after making some stupid comment about informing the rest of the residents in the building next time before deciding to burn it down. At least he was in a good mood.

He was anyway. Now he was staring at that notebook of his, just staring. Kind of like I was staring at the table.

I hated fire.

I kicked at the charred thing annoyedly.

"Quit it." AJ didn't even look up.

I kicked it again because I had to and waited. He didn't say anything.

"I want to leave," I told him.

"Go ahead."

"I mean leave for good."

"And I said go ahead." He paused but he still wasn't looking up. "Maybe we should go our own ways."

Interesting. "Serious?"

"I don't know, you little arsonist, you tell me."

I glared at him, but of course he wasn't looking at me. I hated fire.

"I want to go back," I said.

He didn't answer. He was writing.

"I want to go back." I said it slowly this time.

Still no answer.

I raised my voice. "I want-"

He looked up. "Damn, I heard you the first time."

I stared at him.

He rubbed his jaw absently. "Do you?"

"No," I said.

He rolled his eyes. "Then why'd you say it?"

"I don't know. Felt like it. Maybe I do. No, not really."

"Quit talking, Nick."

I did. For a minute.

"Well maybe we should go someplace else at least."

"Go ahead," came the distracted answer.

"We."

"There is no we in you."

He made no sense. "Exactly," I said anyway.

He didn't answer.

-

I don't know if I went there entirely for my hand, or if my mind had other subconscious alterior motives. But one way or another I was sitting at the hospital while this old guy looked at my hand, and my mind was someplace else entirely.

"Well it looks like you got yourself a nice second-degree burn there."

Yeah, nice. I couldn't really agree with that part.

He was wrapping it and telling me some sort of stuff that might have been important but I was too busy thinking about that girl and whether or not there was a chance she were still here, and if so if there was any way I would know. Or find out.

" ... to yourself anyway?"

I lifted my head up. "Sorry?"

The older man started putting away his things. "I was wondering how you did that to yourself anyway."

"It was an accident." I didn't like the phrase 'did that to yourself'. I didn't do anything.

He looked at me.

"Cooking," I said. "I'm a lousy cook." I figured he wouldn't want to hear about the dragon.

He was nodding. "Those grease fires can be nasty."

I didn't answer.

"Well be careful next time. Your hand'll be fine, more of an annoyance than anything else." He was scribbling some last thing on his chart. "I'll give you a salve to use. In a week or two you'll be seeing an improvement."

"Thanks," I said, getting to my feet. I was starting to wonder why I had come again.

The halls seemed kind of empty for a hospital. But even if I could sneak into wherever she was without anyone noticing I didn't know where to go. It was too big to start. The emptiness didn't help me. It just made me feel more alone.

She probably wasn't even there anymore. She probably was home.

Home, home, home.

Somehow I didn't feel like I had one anymore. Actually, I hadn't felt like I had for awhile now. And I was missing something about it, I just didn't know what.

I walked slowly down the uneven colored tile hall, passing several unoccupied stretchers and wheelchairs. Everything in the entire world was empty.

-

"Nick ..."

"Yeah." I didn't look up as I felt the couch sink in next to me, I just kept absently drawing on a little piece of paper. Absurd little shapes and images.

"Are you planning on doing something?" The way he worded the question sounded like he was trying to get something else out of me aside from what the question was asking. Like the answer to another question.

"Doing something?" I kept my concentration on my scribbles.

"Yeah." I felt him lean into me. "Like going somewhere. I know you wanna get outta here."

I nodded slightly, my eyes sliding to the stark white bandage of my hand. I wanted out bad. "Do you?"

"That's why I'm asking you."

"So you do?"

"I was wondering if you were planning on leaving. Sometime."

His words seemed cryptic. I glanced at him.

"I don't get what you're asking."

"You wanted to go back, right?"

I kept my eyes on him. "I ... Why?"

"Because." He was looking at the little paper in my hand. "Nicky, answer."

"Does it have something to do with what you're doing?"

"I'm asking what you're doing."

"But does it?" I didn't know what to answer, but even if I did I wanted to know how it was going to affect what he was planning to do.

"Does it what?"

"Is what I do gonna affect what you do?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes."

"It shouldn't. Answer the damn question."

I didn't know what to say.

"I don't wanna go back," I told him. My eyes were on the blackened table.

"Liar."

"It's not a lie."

He put his face right up close to mine, so close we were almost touching, and stared me straight in the eye. "Then tell me straight."

"I don't." But looking into those brown pools that I thought I used to know I had to look away. And he smirked. It annoyed me. "I don't, fucker."

My words seemed to amuse him then, and he pulled back, still leaning against me, this smile on his face.

"What's it matter to you anyway?"

"Nothing. Superficial curiosity."

Fine. "Then what about you."

"What about me."

"Same question to you."

He looked at me, and I knew he wasn't going to answer.

Damn.

"Geez, AJ. You're such a bitch."

He actually chuckled. "So are you."

I was annoyed that he could pretend to read me, and I had nothing on him.

AJ leaned into me harder. "I love you, man. You know that?" And he started to get up. "You love me?"

"Mm," was all I said. I was still annoyed with him. I saw he was heading for the door. "Where you going?"

"Out."

I sat up a little, a frown crossing my face involuntarily. "For awhile?"

"Not forever."

That was all he said, and the door shut behind him.

-

Not forever.

It could be a hundred years, and it still wouldn't be forever. Hell, it could be a million years, and that still wasn't infinite.

And I wasn't going to live forever either.

I figured I was overreacting. I told myself I had the tendency to.

It was probably just like last time.

Except this time instead of the day or two he was gone it was verging on a week.

A week. It wasn't like a year. It wasn't like forever.

But it felt like one. And I started wondering if he was coming back this time. Even he hadn't been sure about it last time. Maybe this time he had decided.

And then it was hard not to cry. For some reason, it really was. Tears filled me up, not behind my eyes where they belonged, but inside my chest, making a well of hot water. I felt like I was drowning.

Maybe that was why he had been asking me what I was going to do. He was figuring that if I thought I going back then I'd be fine off by myself.

He was wrong.

And maybe that was why he told me he loved me. Did that mean he wasn't going to see me again? I hadn't said it back.

I choked over a sob. I felt like I was dying. My lungs were filling with liquid and I was going to die. I'd probably be better off.

This time I had no control over it. I just let the blackness take me.

-

Darkness was ephemeral.

That one was. The visual one. There were different types of darkness. The one inside me wasn't going anywhere. Not for awhile.

There comes a time, several times, in life, where you have no clue where you're going. Maybe it's at a point where you couldn't have imagined yourself a year ago, a day ago, in your wildest dreams; and then you look at the blurry image of tomorrow and that's when you know.

At least I knew something.

When I woke up I expected things to have changed for some reason. I thought I wouldn't be alone, or I wouldn't be there. I thought maybe I would wake up and it would be three years ago.

I had a feeling sometimes that my whole life was a dream and when I woke up I would be someplace entirely different.

But it was funny then, how you could sleep within a dream. Or how even when it got so bad, you still never woke up. And that you could have nightmares inside of nightmares.

The whole idea was pretty crazy. But it takes crazy to think crazy, so I wasn't too surprised. And it takes crazy to do crazy, so I went back to that house.

It looked the same- craggy, old, and lonely. It looked like something that had survived numerous trials at the sea for many years and was ready to let go.

I stared at it for a few moments, not moving toward it but not changing my mind and moving away either. Just staring. I thought of that girl and how she had always seemed to be thinking the same thoughts that I had been, how she seemed to be on the same page as me.

And I wondered where exactly that chapter had taken her, and if it was where I was going. It seemed like I had kind of disappeared too.

"Back so soon?"

I jumped slightly at the gravelly voice, recognizing the unshaved older man from last time. I hadn't noticed anyone around.

"Only Jenny's home, are you looking for Jenny?"

I hadn't said anything, but for some reason now it he was starting a conversation. But I didn't add to it, I just shook my head.

And he went back to sweeping his yard, which was a mixture of dirt, sand, and pebbles.

It was kind of sad to see him sweeping it. It wasn't going to look any different, and something told me he did it regularly. For some reason I always felt badly when I saw people doing futile things.

He stopped suddenly, the dust around his feet like smoke, and wiped his brow with the back of his sleeve. "What're you doing here then anyway."

I shrugged slightly.

"If you're looking for the younger, you might as well ask Jenny what room number she is."

I cocked my head to the side. "She's still in the hospital?"

He seemed surprised. "Last time she was there for a month."

I frowned slightly and started walking toward the front door of the house. I paused a second on the dilapidated wooden stoop, but I knew the old man was watching me and so I had to knock.

My stomach started flipping when I heard footsteps coming.

What was I going to say? I was just some guy on a stranger's stoop. I tried to plan it quickly right there, tried to go through something in my head. But maybe she wouldn't even answer.

"Yeah?"

The door had already opened and I was staring into a face that looked familiar, but with older features, and different eyes. Annoyed eyes.

"What," she said forcibly.

"Are you her sister?"

"Who's sister?" She started to close the door, ever so slightly.

I couldn't answer that so I started trying to think of something else to say.

"He wants the room number," a voice hollered over. I looked over my shoulder and the older man had left his yard to move in closer, the broom still in his hands.

To think he was the one making me leave last time.

"Oh." She looked at me, and I realized how bitter she really was.

"I wanna see her."

"I might as well give it to you, even if you are a deranged psycho. I've given up on her anyway, she's dying anyhow."

I frowned involuntarily. Was this really a sister?

"You look surprised. If you really knew her you wouldn't be surprised. You wouldn't be surprised at all."

I didn't know what to say to that.

"733A. Have fun."

And she shut the door in my face.

I stood there a second staring at the rotting wood of the door before I turned and stepped off the creaky stoop.

"They're having a hard time of it lately, they are," the old man said, almost to himself. He had started sweeping again, in a different dusty area.

I just shook my head and started back toward the beach.

-

Seventh floor, past the empty stretchers that lined the one side of the pristinely mis-matched tile floor.

I heard random beeps around me and vaguely wondered what wing it was. What ward. It was funny how no one questioned you when you appeared to know where you were going.

When I found the room, I almost didn't want to go in. I couldn't decide if it was better to just leave things as they were or not. AJ was right. I was always stuck between two things. I knew it too. Maybe knowing that was what made me go in.

The face lying there was peaceful in sleep, but there was something not so peaceful about it at the same time. Something different. I was studying it, trying to decipher what exactly that was, when suddenly her eyes opened.

And we just stared at each other.

"Hey." I was the first to speak.

"What are you doing here?" She didn't sound angry, or happy either. I didn't know what she sounded like.

"I ... don't know."

At least I was honest.

She watched me for a second.

"You look sad," she said finally.

She didn't look anything so I gave a little shrug.

"Where's your brother?"

"He left."

"Why?"

I gave another shrug and pulled one of the green vinyl cushioned visitor chairs over to sit. I felt tired suddenly. "Maybe he didn't want me to be the one to leave him. So he had to go first."

"I left my sister first," she said absently. "I came back though, but I can't stay..."

"Why?"

"I went too far."

"Too far?"

"Yeah."

I let that sit for a minute, listening to the absent beeping in the room that almost sounded like it was in the back of my mind. California was pretty far. What was to say I shouldn't just carry out the whole thing.

"Can I tell you something?"

I looked back at her, silent.

"Don't do it," she whispered. "Not unless you're completely sure."

"Why?"

"Not unless you're sure about everything, that you've got it all straight in your head."

"What if you are."

"How can you know?"

I gave a little shrug.

"You can't." She shook her head at me sadly. "Don't you realize that by now?"

"You can."

"Look at me," she interrupted. "Just look at me. See the tubes, all this? I'm telling you. I can't go back. It's too late. My heart is shot. That last time was too much. It wasn't enough to do it, but it was too much."

I slowly began to understand what she was saying.

"I wasn't afraid anymore because I thought I had it all set. No more last hopes. But look what happened."

I stared at the wall. I really didn't want to look.

"It's like everything paused halfway through. I'm only half here, you know ... Just enough to actually think things through. But it's not like I can do anything about it. I'm just laying here, waiting."

She was bitter, almost like her sister.

"I have to go," I said, tearing my gaze from the wall.

She stared.

"I'm sorry." I knew it was the wrong thing to say, but I said it anyway.

"Don't be."

"I know." I started toward the door and was almost in the hall when I thought I heard her say something. I stopped and turned. "What?"

"Be afraid," she said. Her eyes were closed.

I said nothing in return, I just stared at her. Someone I didn't even know. Who would be lying here, just like this, even if I hadn't come.

I shook my head. I didn't want anything to do with it.

I left the image and started down the hall.