Leaving On a Jet Plane - Part 4

"Hi." I said it out loud, just because I wanted to hear something. Even if it was just my own voice.

I didn't like the apartment so empty. I really didn't. I knew that if I had been alone the whole time out on this trip, or whatever it was, I probably wouldn't have lasted half as long.

I put the number through slowly. Very slowly. But when I heard the first ring I hung up.

I didn't know what I was doing.

Maybe I liked it here and that empty gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach was just temporary. Maybe it meant nothing and the thoughts in my head that I thought went with it were fraudulent. Could thoughts be fraudulent?

I figured that in my mind they probably could.

I didn't want the silence, so I turned on the TV. But even when I found something semi-interesting, my eyes kept drifting toward the door. As if any second I expected AJ to walk back in through it. Just like last time.

I punched the pillow next to me angrily. I just felt angry. I didn't know why, but I did. I didn't need a reason.

I picked up the cell again and redialed the number even slower. I pressed send and waited. I let it ring.

One, two, three rings.

And then a long beep.

"I'm sorry," some pre-recorded voice told me after the tone. "You must dial a one before the-"

Damn. I hung up and dialed again, this time with a one. It rang three times again, but it felt longer this time around.

"Hello?"

"Brian," I said slowly.

There was a long pause.

"Nick?" There was a trace of surprise underlying his voice.

"Yeah."

"Man ..." He was trying to be calm, that much was evident. "You okay?"

I smiled slightly for some reason. Was I okay. "Fine."

"You sure?"

"Fine."

"Is AJ with you?"

I looked around the room, hoping to see him. "Nope."

"No?"

"No," I repeated. And then for some reason, I broke down. I lost it. "Brian, I don't know where he went," I started, choking over my own voice. "I have no fucking clue where he went and-"

"Hey ... hey," Brian interrupted.

I covered my face with my hand as I heard something muffled on the other end. Someone asking who was on the phone. Brian told them no one.

"Nick, you still there?"

"Yeah," I mumbled, using my shirt to wipe my face.

"Where are you."

"Damn man, I don't know. Where do you want me to be."

The sarcasm rolled over. "You want me to come?"

"I gotta go," I said, ignoring his question as I felt another wave of losing it wash over me. I flipped the phone off and tossed it aside without waiting for his answer.

I couldn't talk to him right now, I couldn't. It was too much. It had me rethinking too much. I didn't know what I was doing.

"Dammit," I muttered aloud, punching the pillow again. What in the hell was I doing.

I had hung up on him. I called him, talked a second, and hung up. Gifted, Carter.

The phone was ringing on the floor.

"Shut up," I told it.

It didn't stop.

"Shut the hell up!" I hollered. "I'll call you when I want to talk to you!"

It rang three more times before silencing.

"Good God," I muttered.

I would call him back. I had to. Just not now. I had to set things straight in my mind. Did I want him to come? Yes and no. I wanted AJ back first. Then I could really think.

The tears were coming again, and I cursed myself out for being such an idiot. It was like I couldn't control anything.

-

The only things I had to keep me company were inanimate. I had the TV, I had the radio, I could stare at the furniture. Other than that, there was nothing.

The only thing I could do was just sit there and stare at those things. And wait. I'm not sure what I was waiting for. AJ maybe. I really wanted AJ. I wasn't sure what to do without AJ. Or maybe I just wanted the phone to ring.

I stared at the bandage on my hand for a minute. Then pulled myself up off the couch and went to look for my phone. At least I had some sort of control over the last part.

It rang a couple times before someone picked up. There was a second pause, and then, "Hello?"

But it wasn't Brian's voice. I quickly flipped it off and checked the number I had dialed. It was his number, no doubt about it. It just wasn't his voice.

Damn.

I was holding on to the phone and staring at the blackened coffee table, almost in a trance like when you start staring at something and forget how long your gaze has been there, when it rang. I almost dropped it, it caught me off guard.

Clicking it on, I pulled it to my ear without saying anything.

There was silence on the other end of the line for a second too.

"Nick ... You there?"

It was Brian this time, but I still stayed silent.

"Man ..." There was a long pause, I guess he was being careful with what he said. "Sorry about that, Kev was just using my phone, I didn't know you were gonna call."

I chewed the inside of my cheek absently, trying to remember why I had called him again. Something other then an inanimate object to talk to maybe.

"Man, talk. I hear you breathing, it's not like you're not there."

"I'm here," I told him, rubbing my face with my hand.

"Thanks," he muttered. I guess he knew that already. "And do you know where that is yet?"

I didn't answer that. I didn't like the question.

"Is there a phonebook lying around wherever you're staying?"

I rubbed my face with my hand again. I wasn't going to break down this time. It wasn't worth it. I would hang up before that happened. "I dunno," I mumbled.

"You wanna look?" There was a pause, and I guess he was waiting for me to say something, but I wasn't going to. "You doing okay?"

"Yeah." Sure.

"How about I can come out and stay with you for a bit, you want me to do that?"

AJ had been the one who came out and stayed with me. But he was gone.

I pulled up my shirt to rub my face this time. I wasn't going to think about AJ. He was gone. They were all gone.

"Nick?"

"I dunno." My voice was muffled into my shirt. "Just you?"

"Just me."

The only one left. I didn't say anything. I had to think, I just had to give myself some time to think. As if I hadn't taken enough already.

"How about that? I'll come out and then we can talk about ... whatever."

"There's nothing to talk about."

He didn't seem to answer that because there was a second of silence. I heard him clear his throat and there were muffled noises in the background. "What do you say?"

"Just you, right?"

"Yeah."

"Where will you say you're going?"

"It doesn't matter. It's sort of down time right now, it's not going to make a difference if I cut out for a little bit. So I'll do that, okay? Just let me know."

I didn't answer him. Just let him know. I wasn't sure I wanted him here. There was nothing to talk about, so what would be the point. Besides. What was I gonna tell him when he got here. Time wasn't making it any clearer.

" - ...okay?"

"Huh?"

"I said is everything with you okay."

I nodded, more to myself since he couldn't see me, as if that action would make it easier to answer. "Sure."

"You can tell me the truth you know."

"Yeah." I brought a hand across my eyes, suddenly feeling tired. Really tired. "AJ's not back," I said absently, and I looked around the room again as I said it. Not there. I had wanted him back. Wanted. Now I wasn't so sure. Without him, I had my own choice. With him I had a choice but no definition. But then again.

There was a pause. "He'll come back ... You know how he is."

Exactly. I knew how he was. And I wasn't so sure. What the hell did Brian know. I dropped my hand down, letting out a long breath. "Bye." I needed to get off.

"Alright ..." Brian sounded far away again. "Think about me coming."

I nodded to myself and flipped off the phone, leaning my head back. The smell of smoke in the apartment made me shake my head. It was a little too late to be thinking about him coming. If he had wanted to come so bad he should have told me from the beginning. The promise wasn't with him.

Right then there wasn't even a promise. And Brian didn't even know. He didn't have a clue. Not a fucking clue.

I shoved the metal chair against the balcony, and it made a loud clanging noise. I wasn't sure how I got out there, but I was there, and I didn't regret it either. I didn't stop myself.

I used to imagine scenarios for myself when I was a kid. I would imagine that someone in my family died, that everyone died. Or, and it was the best one of all, that I died.

And it would stop.

And then they would be sorry. Real sorry.

Misery made beautiful. That's what I wanted. Either they would remember something good or be blinded by something else. Something not yet defined. I bet people were waiting. Hell, they were all waiting.

I saw a silhouette pass under a streetlamp in the road below. I bet they were counting. They were probably counting backwards, just waiting.

It was black outside, pitch black except for the faintly lit street below. There wasn't even a moon. And I liked that. I liked the fact that it was dark. That no one could see me and that I couldn't see them. They could be staring right into my space and neither of us would see each other.

For a moment, you were invisible. I wanted to take advantage of that. I could make it permanent.

Permanent invisibility. I stepped up onto the chair. I liked the sound of it. Looking down over, at the tiny little street, I could almost pick a spot.

The same black empty spot I had looked straight at some other time, what seemed like long ago, but wasn't. It wasn't. It was time in my mind lost in other things, lost at sea in things that right now I couldn't even give the slightest glimmer of anything to, but they had been there. Wasting time.

But it was broken, the fucking promise was broken.

I pulled my foot up onto the rail and felt something wash over me. Not relief exactly, but something close. Something pretty damn close.

But then I heard ringing.

Close ringing. I realized I was still holding on to the phone and had the sudden urge to fling it out into the darkness and hear its plastic crack and split in the street. I didn't want to deal with it anymore.

But I flipped it on. "Brian, I'm fucking busy." I was going to tell him to call back later but there probably wouldn't be an answer for him so I didn't.

There was a pause. "Busy?"

It wasn't Brian's voice.

I choked for a second but quickly caught myself. My foot automatically came off the rail. "Damn, man, you aren't even here and you still fuck things up."

He chuckled slightly, still caught on the busy part. "What're you busy with, huh? I know there ain't a girl with you so with what, the TV?"

I didn't answer him right away. Why was he calling. I took a deep breath. "Stuff," I said stiffly. Don't do this.

"Oh."

He knew what that meant.

I thought.

"Where are you?"

He ignored the question. "Why'd you think I was gonna be Brian, huh? I mean, damn man. You still waiting on him?"

"AJ."

"What."

"Where the hell are you?"

"Eh, I'm around." He sounded so blasé it pissed me off.

"Bye."

"Hey man, hold up. What's your problem?"

"Nothing. Have fun." I couldn't keep the sarcasm out of my voice. It wanted to be there.

"I said hold up."

I stayed silent, glancing back at the railing. One of the streetlights flickered below.

"Listen to me for a second. I'm coming back, alright?"

"I won't hold my breath," I muttered.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He sounded annoyed.

"It means ... Shit man, it means you broke it off. You. I'm not gonna sit around and wait anymore. I'm sick of that."

"Bro, I'm coming back. What part of that don't you understand?"

As he said it a feminine voice in the background called his name.

"Too late," I muttered, flipping off the phone. Much too late. He had his own things, I had mine.

I stared at the railing again, but the phone rang again. Damn it all.

Him I had to answer. It was different. I don't know why. I flipped it back open and held it to my ear.

"Nick."

"What?"

"Don't do that shit."

I shook my head to myself.

"Will you wait until I get back?"

"This thing doesn't revolve around you, man. As much as you think it does, it doesn't."

"It doesn't fucking revolve around you either, so get off the friggin' balcony."

"I'm not on the balcony."

"Bullshit, Nicky. I hear the wind."

"It's not windy."

"Shut up." He cleared his throat and I swore I heard him tell someone to go away. "Promise me you'll wait."

"I don't believe in promises," I told him.

There was a pause. A long pause. "Nick?"

"What."

The pause this time was strained. "I'm sorry," he said finally.

That surprised me a little. For AJ to say sorry. But for some reason I shook my head. "Okay," I heard myself say.

He muttered a curse on the other end of the line. "Wait," he said, and then there was dial tone.

-

"You said you want sleeping pills?"

"Yes."

The man's large, dark eyes regarded me thoughtfully. I could hear voices outside of the office in the hallway. He rubbed the stubby gray beard on his cheek and there was a little pause.

"Is something else the matter?" he said then.

"I can't sleep." I tried to talk calmly, but it was like I was being choked. I looked down at my hands suddenly, turning them over.

"Yes, well ..."

"What?" I didn't like when people looked at me that way.

He shook his head, leaning back in his chair slightly, still watching me.

"You want me to fill out a questionnaire or something? What?"

He shook his head again, and my eyes drifted toward his desk. There was a photograph there, in a silver frame, only half facing me. It looked like it must have been his wife and two kids. They were all smiling.

Sometimes, everything seemed so futile. Everything people did seemed silly really, since they were only going to die in the end.

I looked back at him. "Look, I just want to get some sleep."

"Yes," he started slowly. "But maybe sleeping pills aren't the answer."

"I think they are."

He shook his head again, and during the next small pause he suddenly reminded me of Kevin. He was taking so long to get to a point. Any point.

"You're gonna make me get desperate and try something else," I told him. Doctors didn't like to hear that someone might take a leap for the worst on their account, it was a known fact.

"Look, kid, I like you. Why don't we make a deal."

Deals were never really two-sided.

"Why don't I set you up with just a couple, and we'll see how they work, hm?"

In other words, I know you want to try and overdose yourself on my sleeping pills, so I'm going to give you just enough so that you can't. I shook my head.

"Whatever."

-

I figured maybe I just needed to keep myself busy until I settled things in my head. I didn't like what I was, I didn't like what anything was, so I decided to change that. Or try to at least.

I told them my name was Mike. I got pretty lucky, because the guy who owned the place, a guy in his early forties named Russell, took a liking to me right away. He called me Mikey. I felt like a Goonie.

It was a boat place, off a pier. They rented, sold, fixed, gave rides, whatever. I liked it, or at least I thought I should. So I tried.

Russell didn't expect me to do much either. And he didn't make me sign anything. He just told me I had a job. Honestly I didn't care if it was a paying one or not. I just needed to do something, or else I was going to die.

And I needed to get my mind off of AJ. Whenever I thought of him, it ruined my plans.

Russell started asking questions the second day, but it wasn't until later that I knew it didn't matter.

"So Mikey, where you from man?"

"Florida." I didn't look up, I just kept scrubbing the side of one of the rental boats we were working on.

"Florida," he scoffed, shaking his head.

"Don't like?"

"You do?" he answered, as if it were universal.

"I left, didn't I?"

"For good?"

I shrugged, still not looking up. "For now."

He smiled slightly. "Ah ... know the feeling."

"Where are you from?"

He pointed down. "Here."

"Always?"

He shook his head. "Nah, I left for awhile. Came back though."

I ran a wet hand through my hair and shook my head slightly. "I'm not."

"You'll see."

"I'm not," I repeated, looking at him with a frown this time.

"What'd you leave? Girl, family, job, what?"

"Stop, Russ."

He shook his head with an amused smile, but he stopped.

I just stayed silent.

"You don't like questions, huh kid."

I shook my head, concentrating on the boat again.

For some reason that got a chuckle. "Me neither." He clapped me on the shoulder and then left me by myself.

He was a good guy though, I liked him. I liked the way he trusted me without knowing a thing about me. I really wondered why he did though. You can't just trust everybody.

I asked him once, a couple of days later. We were inside the shop, not really doing much. It was supposed to rain. He had told me I could go home, but since I didn't have one I figured I was fine where I was at the moment.

So I asked him. I asked him why he thought he could trust me.

He kind of gave me a look, in the middle of dealing cards to two other guys that worked there. They were older than me. "Why you ask that?"

I shrugged slightly, nursing the beer they had given me. "I dunno ... You don't know me."

He dealt two more cards. "You don't know me either."

"Yeah ..."

"So you trust me to let you work for me?"

I smirked slightly, shrugging.

Russell lifted an eyebrow at me. "Then there you go. I guess we're in the same boat, huh Mikey?"

"Boat!" one of the guys with the cards exclaimed, looking up at the statement. "Hah!" He laid his cards down flat on the table, facing up. "And I won. All reds."

I stared at him. So did Russell.

" 'Nother beer?" Russell offered with a straight face.

I took it.

-

AJ called again. I don't know why. Maybe he wanted to make sure I was still there. Who knows. I didn't really see a reason. At the same time though I was kind of glad. Somehow, I was still waiting on him. As much as was trying to get the guy out of my mind, I really didn't want to. Now if that wasn't a paradox.

"You know," he said when I picked up the cell, almost irritatedly. "You're supposed to say 'hello' or something when you answer a phone."

"Hello," I answered sarcastically. I leaned back into the couch, turning off the TV as a weird feeling filled my stomach. It was suddenly really quiet. "I like to know who it is first."

"Your phone has caller ID."

"Well I don't know the number you're at."

"If it's not someone you want, you just gonna pretend you're not there?"

"I guess. Shut up, man."

"I'm gonna be back there soon."

"Oh." It was just words. They meant nothing.

"You waiting for me?"

I shrugged to myself. I didn't know. Maybe. I wasn't about to tell him that.

"Huh, man?" He didn't like not getting answered. "You miss me?"

"No." I lied, but even the way I said it, it sounded like a lie to me. I hoped it didn't sound like a lie to him. He chuckled though, so I knew it did.

"We still got our promise, right?"

"No."

That one wasn't a lie.

I heard him clear his throat.

"We need to talk about that ..."

"Go ahead. Talk."

"Don't hang up on me then." He sounded like he was getting angry. I don't know whether it was at me or in general. "I didn't break it."

"No?"

"How then?" he demanded. "Tell me how."

I suddenly hated him. "What do you call leaving? You fucking left, man, that's how you broke it."

"Was there some hidden clause about me not leaving? That I had to always be by your side in order for it to still hold together?" he answered. "Huh? Maybe I missed that part then man, because as far as I'm concerned, nothing's changed. Nothing."

I was silent.

"Nick."

Why did he always make things sound so trivial.

"Nick."

Somehow, I always had the short end of the stick.

"You there?"

"Yeah," I answered.

"So is it still a deal?"

There goes the deal business again. I never got to make the deal. Someone else always spoke first. "So is that why you left?"

There was a pause. I had him.

"What?"

"Is that why you left?" I repeated, eyes narrowing even though he couldn't see me. "Because we still had a deal? Because if you're not with me, then there's nothing to go through with?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, man." He was lying.

"Because if that's what you think, man-"

"Hang on, who's saying that's what I think?" he demanded. "Will you quit with that?"

I didn't answer.

"Trust me. It's just you and me, baby."

No, it was just me. Me with the short end of the stick and no deal.

"Nick."

I shut my eyes and let out a breath. "Aje?"

"What?"

"When are you coming, man? Can you come soon?" I sounded like a little kid but I didn't care.

"You do miss me." The anger was gone, he suddenly sounded amused.

"No."

"You do."

"No," I repeated. "Do you miss me?"

"I don't know when I'll be there." He did miss me, that's why he couldn't say it. "Soon."

"Oh."

"Soon, man, geez. Can you hold on until then?"

"Yeah ..."

But then I was letting go.

-

"Hey Mikey."

"Hey Russ."

"Wanna do me a favor?"

I was trying to get grease of my hands. It wasn't working. "What's the favor."

"I'm gonna be gone tomorrow, I wanted to ask if you could keep an eye on the place for me while I'm gone."

"Me?" I looked up from my hands, frowning slightly.

"Yeah. It's just the usual stuff, nothing major. The other guys know what's going on."

Somebody actually trusted me. But then I tried to cover back up my surprise, concentrating on my hands again. I had seen him smile at my reaction.

"Sure."

Somebody trusted me. I didn't know why. I could have screwed him over so bad. I didn't though, so maybe he was right.

-

I kind of got used to being a guy named Mike. On some days, I even liked it. On others, I honestly wondered what the hell I was doing.

It was pretty ironic because my two fears were my two options. I was afraid of ending it all, and I was afraid of going back to what I'd left. Because once you leave something, it's never the same when you come back. Maybe not being the same was a good thing, because I'd left it for a reason, but I was afraid nonetheless.

And for some reason, at that point, I didn't see an option in between those two. Even if Mike was an easy-going guy without a care or worry in the world, or at least that was what he was supposed to be. He was my character, but for some reason he wasn't fitting the mold.

Everyday, when I woke up as Mike, I felt like I was betraying people. Leading them on. Gaining their trust for something. What bothered me the most was the fact that I was almost getting used to it.

"He likes you a lot, you know," a guy at the pier told me one of the days. We were working on the engine of this crappy little boat that I thought should have been recycled for parts long ago. They seemed to salvage everything. I guess they needed everything.

"What?" We hadn't been talking, and when no one talks to me, my mind sort of drifts away. I was out to sea mentally.

"Russ. He likes you."

That seemed kind of weird to me, him telling me that, so I just nodded. "He's a nice guy."

"You know why he likes you?" He was wiping the grease from his hands onto an already dirty rag.

"Why."

"You remind him of his son."

I didn't say anything to that. I didn't really want to remind anyone of anybody.

"His son took off a couple years back for who knows where, just sort of up and left," the guy continued. He seemed to like filling people in on things. "And since you seem to have up and left from some place too ..."

He trailed off as if the connection was up to me to make from there.

"Oh."

He nodded to himself then, his head tilted over the motor so that I couldn't see his face. "Yeah ..." he seemed to say to himself. "That's what it is."

But then I felt kind of bad. It was like I was filling the place of whoever for the guy, only I wasn't about to stick around that long. I didn't plan on it anyway. I was just trying to bide my time until I figured out what to do. I was waiting for AJ.

"I'm not gonna be around long," I said for a minute, almost to myself.

"He knows."

I wiped the sweat from my brow absently and leaned against the side of the boat, letting out a breath. Damn people. Their whole life was right on the stupid pier, and that's all it was about. A pier. They weren't going anywhere. Boats went and came back. They were never going anywhere either.

It seemed to me they were pretty fucked. But I figured they were better off than me anyway. Look who was the one trying to convince a doctor to give them a week's worth of sleeping pills.

-

"I'm going away."

He was getting used to me, because he just rubbed the stubble on his chin and regarded me silently.

"For two weeks." Too much probably. "Well, maybe one."

There was a moment's pause before he answered.. "Have you given any thought about what I said last time?"

I couldn't even remember what he'd said, never mind if I had given it any thought. I needed a simple route. The pills. "I thought you people gave these out like candy."

"Evidently not, huh."

I hoped that wasn't sarcasm. If it was, I was going to scream.

"Am I going to have to pack away any little pill you give me and save them up so I can go away for a week and be able to sleep?"

"Where exactly are you going away to?" he asked slowly, leaning back in his chair. His degree was on the wall behind him, I noticed it for the first time. The frame was gold.

"Why?"

"Maybe I can recommend you to someone in the area."

I shook my head. "What if it's a camping trip? In the Ozarks?"

"Is it?"

"I think it might be."

He leaned forward again, this time steepling his hands together and resting them on the desk. "What I had said last time was that maybe your sleeping problem can't be solved with pills."

"Maybe it can be solved with someone else's pills. Yours didn't even work." I had taken them all, all two, and waited for something to happen.

They hadn't worked; I had woken up.

The steepled hands came down. "Do you even have a sleeping problem?"

"I want sleeping pills, don't I?"

He opened his mouth to answer, but I cut him off.

"I didn't come to talk things through, man. I know that's what you people like to do, but it's just not what I'm here for."

"You're here just for pills."

"Yes."

"To sleep."

"Yes."

"For how long?"

I knew he had me, he'd had me from the beginning. I just shook my head and pushed back my chair roughly. I headed for the door. "Thanks for nothing."

I guess I should have thanked him for something else.

-

I don't know how long I had been asleep when I heard the knocking. I didn't pay any attention at first, because the person knocking kept saying, "Nick, Nick, Nick, let me in," and I didn't know any Nick. Then another kind of knock sounded over the first dull, bumping knock- a sharp tap-tap.

I swung to my feet and balanced dizzily for a minute in the middle of the dark room. I felt angry with whoever it was for waking me up. All I had a chance of getting out of the stupid night was a good sleep, and they had to wake me and spoil it. I figured if I pretended to be asleep the knocking might go away and leave me alone in peace, but I waited, and it didn't.

He was back.

I knew it before I opened the door, but even then I was a little surprised. I couldn't even open the door all the way, I just stared at him. I felt still half-asleep, so maybe I was dreaming.

"Hey."

I didn't answer. Something inside my head told me that I should still be mad at him.

"Were you sleepin'?" This time he pushed against the door gently, forcing me to take a step back.

I had to let go of the door as he closed it behind him. "AJ?"

"Yeah."

"What're you doing?"

"Comin' back."

I stared at him a second, rubbing the side of my face absently. I couldn't concentrate.

AJ studied me. "Man. Why don't you go back to bed, alright? I'll talk to you in the morning."

That sounded good. I just stared at him though, narrowing my eyes.

"Go back to bed," he stressed.

"Will you be here in the morning?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

I didn't answer. I had a hundred reasons why, but my sleep-clouded mind decided against sharing them. I just shook my head instead.

-

When I woke in the morning, I remembered it as a dream. That's how it felt. A blurry memory that I almost didn't remember. Instead of hoping it were true, I convinced myself it wasn't before I even sat up in bed. But when I came out, there he was.

His back was to me when I entered the room, and for a second, just a second, it felt like no time had passed since the last time he was there. That thought made me mad though, because time had passed. Things were different. And he would probably act as though they weren't.

I was glad to see him though, even though I told myself I shouldn't be.

"Jay."

He looked up quickly and a smile played on his lips. "Hey ... g'morning."

"Hey," I answered, and against my first intentions I dropped down on the couch next to him. He elbowed me slightly.

"How you doing."

I shrugged slightly, watching the lit cigarette in his hand flicker slightly. "Okay."

"You sleep good?"

I shook my head, still not looking at him.

"No?"

I shook my head again.

"Why not?"

I shrugged, and felt him elbow me again.

"You not gonna talk to me?"

I shrugged again.

"I missed you, man."

I smiled just slightly at that involuntarily, but I still kept my gaze away from him.

I was glad to see him, but I wasn't. I never had time to set anything in my mind, not when he was here, and not when he wasn't. Before I did at one, he always went to the other.

"What're you doing today?"

"Don't act like that," I told him, finally catching his eye.

"Act like what?"

"Like you never left."

"I'm not."

"You are." He was. "You're acting like nothing's changed. Well a lot's changed, okay? You can't just pretend nothing did. It doesn't work that way, it -"

"Hold up. I'm not."

I didn't answer.

"I got it. Thing's have changed. Things are entirely different than what they were before. Nothing's the same. Right?"

I shook my head slowly, feeling like he was mocking me or something the way he said it.

"Jumping's kinda messy," I told him, narrowing my eyes. "I thought of something else."

He didn't answer right away, and for some reason that annoyed me. I started to get up.

And got pulled back down. "Can you sit still for five minutes? Talk things through entirely for once? You're always leaving."

"Bullshit. You're such a hypocrite! I'm the one who's been here the whole time while you leave and go off who know's where."

He ignored me. He always ignored the things about himself. "Calm down for five minutes. Talk to me for just five minutes, alright?"

"You gonna leave again after that?" I said sarcastically. "After the five minutes is up?"

His eyes narrowed, and I suddenly wished I hadn't said anything at all.

"You'd like that, huh? Me to disappear and not come back at all, huh? If that's what you want, fine. We don't even have to talk about it."

"No," I interrupted quickly, starting to grow nervous. I couldn't judge his words. I wouldn't know what to do. "Please. Sorry, man. I was just pissed. I'm sorry."

He just stared at me, slowly raising the cigarette to his mouth for the first time since I'd been there. "Don't be sorry. I ain't leaving."

He would eventually. Or me first. It as inevitable.

"Listen man, I'm sorry for leaving you. I had my reasons."

I told myself his sorries didn't mean anything to me at all. Even if they were few and far between.

He drew in on the cigarette slowly, leaning back. "I would leave again for the same reasons."

"You just said you're not leaving."

"I'm not."

I frowned to myself, making a slight face.

"I'm just saying."

"Let's not talk about it anymore," I said. "I don't wanna talk about it anymore." Some things were better left unsaid. To me, most things.

He chuckled slightly. "I thought you wanted to talk about it."

I shook my head.

"You upset with me now?"

I shook my head again but hesitated. "Yeah."

"Alright, I'll give you that much. I'd probably want to kick your ass too."

I just shook my head, leaning back further into the couch. If he hadn't come back, I probably would have become Mike. "What's your plans now?"

"There you go with plans ..."

"Fuck you, AJ."

He laughed. "Alright, give me a second to make up some plans to tell you."

I silently bit the inside of my cheek, letting out a breath. I started wondering why I had wanted him back here.

"You still wanting to go back, man?"

"Still?" I repeated. "I've never wanted to go back."

"Don't start with that."

"I haven't."

"You have. The whole time." He shook his head at me as I opened my mouth to answer. "Forget it, I'm asking about right now."

I chewed my lower lip as I thought. "Right now I think I wanna go to Hawaii."

"Will you be serious?"

"I am serious. Think about it. We didn't exactly get our island paradise trip right here."

"We weren't after an island paradise trip, Nick."

I kept my mouth pressed in a straight line. "I thought that was what this was all about."

"If it was an island getaway it was for the getaway part, not the island, man."

"You mean all this time ..."

"Man, shut up. Answer my question."

"I told you already."

"I didn't hear a yes or no. I heard a Hawaii."

I held up my hands slightly.

"Yes or no."

"I don't know, man. You're always asking me the same thing."

"It's because you never answer." He hit me in the leg. "You answer and I'll stop asking."

I just leaned my head back and started humming to myself, trying to think. Jimmy Buffet's 'Margaritaville'.

"Is that supposed to mean something?"

I stopped. "I don't think so."

He looked me for a minute, so long that I turned my head away. "I think we're gonna go back," he said finally, voice rough.

My heart sort of stopped. "What? Why?"

"Because that's what I'm thinking." He stuck his cigarette in his mouth again and pulled himself off the couch.

-

I think I was a little upset. A little pissed really. It wasn't at AJ directly, but him in general. Well not really him in general, what he did in general.

I left him in the morning, I went to the pier like I did everyday. Only this time, it felt different.

Going back sounded foreign to me. What worried to me was that in the back of my mind, I wasn't entirely against it. Maybe it was just the thought of going back to something I had known for so many years, no matter how crappy it was. Routine.

I didn't know. Something was going to change, either way. I'd left it for a reason, going back didn't seem right. The way I had planned things in my mind, I shouldn't have even been needing to think about going back or staying.

And the one thing I had let myself have, my temporary outlet, was about to be destroyed. It had to be, with AJ back. Sometimes I really didn't know whose thing this was, mine or his.

"Russ."

"Yeah?"

I wasn't sure how to phrase what I wanted to say, and it took me a second to get anything out at all. "I wanted to ask you something."

"Shoot," he said absently. He was working in some sort of logbook.

"You know I'm not gonna stick around here forever, right?"

I saw his head nod slightly, it sort of caught me off-guard. "I know."

I rubbed my upper lip, and leaned against the counter. "I might not show up one day."

The absent nod came again. "Mm-hm."

I was silent for a moment. I guess he knew more about me than I did. That wasn't so hard to do. Or maybe it was the fact that his son had left too, and never come back.

I didn't really want to do that to anybody, but no matter what I did from this point on would be doing exactly that. It was a case of chronic not-coming-back's.

"Okay," I said finally.

"Oh, and hey," he said, finally lifting his head when I started away.

I hesitated.

"Paycheck."

I made a face, but I let him give it to me. When he got up to go get a beer, I slid it back into his logbook and quickly headed to the door. I know he looked at me then, but I couldn't look back.

-

It was a setup, sort of. I don't know whether maybe I wanted to get back at him, at both of them, or if I wanted to see what would happen. Maybe I thought seeing him again might make me decide once and for all what really was in my head.

I laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling as if my eyes were fixed on it. I couldn't blink.

I tried to fix it all in my mind. Straighten it out. Trying to think was like trying to read a crumpled up piece of paper with your hands tied behind your back.

I could have ended it easy. Before, then, whenever. I realized that then, and I don't think it had hit me before. The ending part was easy. There were a hundred and one ways. It was the part that led up to that, that was the part that really had me going. I really wondered what it was I really wanted.

I didn't know. It wasn't attention, I had attention. It wasn't self-satisfaction, I didn't need that. I didn't need anything. Maybe less. But I was creating more.

The only one standing in my way the entire time was me. At first, I mentally blamed it on AJ. AJ was the one stopping me. But the more I thought about it, it was more the worry for him that was holding up the red light, not AJ himself. I thought I had really wanted it, but then why was a laying here right now. Nothing was stopping me.

I needed another change.

The phone rang three times before anyone picked up.

"Hello?"

"I'm in California," I said, keeping my voice low.

There was a second pause, as if Brian didn't want to say the wrong thing. So he just repeated what I said. "California."

"Yeah. Can you come out?"

"You want me to come out?"

"I'm asking you, aren't I?" I stretched one arm back over my head in the dark, feeling the headboard of the bed. He still had no clue.

"You alright?"

"I'm great."

There was another small pause, and then a small laugh. "Nick."

"Yeah."

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Talking to you," I said absently. "Did I catch you at a bad time?"

"No ... It's just sort of sudden."

I felt the wall and then dropped my hand back on a pillow. "I'll tell you what airport, what highway, what exit."

"Why're you talking so low?"

I ignored him. "Alright?"

"Yeah ..."

I heard a pen scratching against paper as I relayed those things to him and then waited. I swear he muttered something.

"When are you coming?" I asked finally.

"How's Thursday?"

I would have to look at a calendar to even see when that was. "Fine."

I heard the paper being put somewhere.

"If you wanted to get away so bad, I would have helped you out. Come with you."

"That wouldn't have been getting away," I said softly, pulling the comforter over half my face. There was guilt in the air, and I didn't like it.

"You went with AJ."

"He went with me." I wasn't so sure about that, but I said it anyway.

"I would have went with you."

"It's different."

"Why?"

"It just is, okay? It's a different thing."

There was a moment of silence, I think he was hurt. If he was, it was his own damn fault.

"Don't tell anyone where you're going," I told him. "Don't tell Kevin."

"Yeah," was all he said.

I pulled the comforter over my head entirely.

"Did you get what you wanted?"

I frowned in the darkness. "What do you mean?"

"From disappearing." He almost sounded annoyed, like now that he had me, the game was over. "Did you fulfill whatever it was you wanted."

"I don't even know what the hell I wanted," I answered in regular volume, pulling the blanket off my face. I flipped off the phone and let my eyes drift back up to the ceiling.

He was coming.

I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but it was a change. Something needed to change. When he came, I wouldn't be around. I knew that much already.

But AJ would. If I did the setting up, they could do the figuring out. It was only fair.

There was a soft knock at my door.

"Yeah?"

The door creaked open slowly. "Do you have your phone?"

I pushed it at him and he came into the darkened room to retrieve it. "Do you have car keys?" I asked.

"You're not going out, you're half asleep as it is."

Honestly I just wanted them for when Brian came. When Brian came, I fled. That was the plan. I watched AJ carefully as he picked the cellphone off of the bed. It would be hypocritical of him to care.

"You can go out in the morning," he was saying as he headed back to the door.

I could get the keys tomorrow.

"Okay."

"Night, man."

"Who're you calling?"

"No one."

It made me curious who, but I really didn't care.

He was still hesitating by the door. "You alright?"

What an act. "Why?"

"I just feel like something's up."

"Nothing's up."

"You sure?" He was looking at me now, as if that would tell him everything he needed to know. He was probably suspicious. He didn't have a right to be, even if he had a reason. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah."

"Alright ... night man."

"Night."

The door shut and left me in the dark. I waited until my eyes adjusted and went back to staring at the ceiling. Nothing was going to figure itself out.

-

Thursday came and I fled. I took the car, left my phone, and disappeared. I limited the disappearance to a ten minute radius, but I still wasn't sure what I was doing. Whether it was because I really planned it or was just simply afraid of facing reality, I don't know. I was sick of people pretending to care when they really didn't have a clue. I figured AJ could face the reality by himself and fill me in another time.

What I did do was go to a coffee place and not order any coffee. I just sat there. If the thoughts that were going through my mind then were ever put down on paper, people would really think I was crazy. Sometimes, the truth is shocking.

There was that catch though. If you thought you were crazy, you weren't. The real crazy ones don't know that they're crazy. But that didn't make any sense anyway. You would never know.

My day felt long. I spent most of it just thinking and driving around. When I couldn't take any more of that I stopped at a movie theater and saw a movie.

When it was over I got up and walked to the theater next to it and sat through the end half of that movie. I did that about three more times, until I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't picking up anything from the films, I could have seen the same one every time and I wouldn't have even known.

I figured enough time had passed. Enough time for Brian to have gotten there, for him and AJ to discuss things, for the two of them to sort something out between themselves, something I could maybe pick up on another time.

When I drove back the apartment, I parked the car in the lot and let myself in the lobby of the place. There was a payphone there, and I used to it to dial my cell phone.

"Where the fuck are you?"

The way AJ answered it really set me off. "Hell man, what if it wasn't me- that's how you answer my phone?"

"It is you though, isn't it, you prick."

"You sound annoyed."

"I am annoyed, man. Jesus. Fuck you for setting me up."

"Setting you up?" I glanced around the empty lobby and suddenly thought how funny it was of me to be in the same building and him having no idea. Just went to show, the man never knew. For once, I was pleased with myself. I liked having the upper hand for once.

I heard Brian's voice in the background and AJ saying something incomprehensible back.

"Where are you." The question sounded like a statement. A command really.

"I'm still in Cali."

"Man, this is a waste of time. What the hell were you thinking?"

"You wanted to go back. You're the one who was making all the plans, deciding when everything happened, what everything was. I'm just getting the ball rolling in my own way."

"You know what, talk to Brian. Talk to your buddy," AJ muttered. I heard the phone being switched over but there was a muffled moment of silence on my end.

"Nick?" Brian's voice finally came through.

"Have a nice trip?"

"What are you doing, man?"

I rubbed my face with my hand. "I figured, I mean, it's pretty easy to get flights this time of year. Not so busy."

"Nick."

"Yeah."

"What are you doing?"

"I don't know." I let out a breath. "I don't know, Bri. Honestly, I just ... I want to fix things, fix things in my head."

"We can work through things."

"No- ... no. Just me. I need to fix things with just me." I suddenly wasn't so sure what I was going to do with this situation. It was kind of awkward.

"It'll work out, some things just take time," he was saying.

Some things he just didn't know about.

There were muffled words exchanged again.

"Are you and AJ still fighting?"

"You set us up to duel it out, didn't you?" Brian asked.

I couldn't answer that. In a way, yes.

"What were you gonna do then, huh? Go with the winner? Stay on your little vacation if he won?"

"This was my thing," I said suddenly. "Not his. He may have needed it more, but it was my thing. He was just done with it sooner."

"I just don't understand, man ... What was the point?"

He sounded just as far away upstairs as when he was back in Florida. I shook my head, pressing my lips together. The point? If he didn't know the point by now ...

"It's not like you can't take breaks," he was saying.

It wasn't a break.

"... but sometimes there's a certain way you have to go about things."

"I needed to get away."

"Well you did. You still are." His tone was as if it was a whole waste of time, like I didn't know what I was doing.

"You don't understand."

"Help me understand."

"You can't," I muttered.

"You're not the only one who feels like they have problems you know."

That ruined it for me, those words. Fuck him. Because everyone had problems, they all meant nothing. Those words made me mad.

Before I could answer him though, arms grabbed me roughly from behind and I dropped the phone. It dangled down on its cord, knocking against the wall several times as I struggled against the hold.

"Think you're funny or something?"

"Get off, AJ," I hissed as he pushed me against the wall. I managed to push him away once, but he came right back at me. "Get off."

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Talking on the phone." I shoved him away as he hit me in the head. When I reached for the dangling receiver, he grabbed my arm.

"Nicky, what is this, a game?"

An involuntary smile crossed my face. "It could be."

He hit me in the side. "You're pissing me off."

"I can't talk to him." I motioned to the phone.

"You can't talk to your buddy?" His voice was sarcastic. I pulled against him to reach for the receiver and hang it back up. I felt sick.

"How'd you know I was here?"

"I saw the car back in the lot."

"Well just leave me alone, okay?"

"Leave you alone? You set up all this shit and you want me to leave you alone?"

"Stop ... just stop."

AJ shook his head at me. "It's not gonna stop now, babe. Jesus." He started pulling me toward the elevator.

"I don't want to talk to him. I can't talk to him anymore. I used to be able to talk to him but I can't anymore."

"What the hell did you get him here for then?"

I was silent for a minute, but I let him shove me through the opening metal doors.

"Well?"

"I don't know, okay? Just shut up for a minute, geez."

AJ was silently fuming to himself. He's good at that. When we reached our floor though, it suddenly wasn't just to himself. "I don't know why the hell I came with you here, man, I really don't. Everything's gonna be shitty after this."

"I didn't make you come," I told him. "And I didn't make you stay either."

"I didn't say you did." AJ glared at me. "Did I say that?"

"No, but it's what you meant."

"Don't tell me what I mean, Nick, don't even start."

The doors slid open with a ding and I stepped out before he could, striding down the hall ahead of him. Damn him. I couldn't take it any more. When I got closer to our door though, my approach slowed involuntarily.

I got a push from behind.

"You made him come."

"Shut up," I told him. He pushed at me again and I reached for the doorknob.

Brian surprised me when we came in. He actually gave me a hug. Not something I expected. I began to wonder if he realized I had set him up. Tried to at least.

"You alright?" he was asking.

I didn't answer.

"You didn't greet me like that," AJ muttered, dropping down on the couch without even looking at us.

I rubbed the side of my face. Something was telling me that the odds weren't in my favor in this round. "You have a good flight?" I asked it again, as if I hadn't on the phone, to break the silence.

"Yeah."

"I figured, I mean, it's pretty easy-"

"Nick," he interrupted.

I just stopped.

"God," AJ said after a moment. "I just love entertaining." Pure, unhidden sarcasm. "Something to drink, Brian? We've got beer ... some more beer, that's about it. That is unless Nick drank it when I was gone."

Brian's eyes shot to him. "That's right. I thought you were gone."

AJ stared back, eyes warning him to stay out.

I didn't want to be there.

"Guys, I think your vacation is over."

"It's not a vacation," I said it slowly, as if I was spelling it out.

"Your getaway, whatever you think it is. It's time to come back to reality like everyone else."

My eyes narrowed slightly. My assumption that he would have understood by now, would have had some semblance of comprehension, was slowly but surely turning to dust.

AJ was shaking his head. "Man, you just have no clue, do you."

"You're right," Brian said flatly. "I don't. Is this your way of saying it's over, you quit, what?" He was looking at me now. "Honestly? I have no clue what you're doing."

"Honestly, Brian?" AJ repeated. "Honestly? Neither does he. Don't ask him what he's doing, he hasn't known from the start." The way he said it was almost sarcastic, like he wasn't on my side anymore. If he ever was.

Before I could even judge, he was up and heading for the kitchen. I just sank down into the couch, grabbing the remote control and flipping on the TV. I didn't want this.

Brian was looking at me.

"Why did you call me out here?"

I glanced at him, his question floating in the air. I shook my head slightly. "I don't know." My voice was soft.

"You don't know."

I shook my head again, flipping of the TV. I didn't want it.

"What's up with you, man? What is it."

I shrugged, tempted to turn the television back on. "I don't know. And stop. I can't talk to you."

"You can't talk to me?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"But you can talk to AJ."

"I don't know."

Something hit me in the back of the head. AJ. "Talk to him, for God's sake," he said, bringing his beer to his lips. "You called him here for some reason."

I stayed silent, ignoring him.

Brian cleared his throat. "How long were you planning to keep this up anyway?"

"Not much longer," AJ muttered. "I mean, it wasn't supposed to be forever, it wasn't supposed to mess up the group."

"It might have taken forever," I muttered.

"With you."

There was a sudden silence. I didn't like the feeling of things being over. I didn't like the discussion moving toward it either, and that's what it felt like.

So I got up, left the two of them in the room alone, and headed through the kitchen toward the balcony. I slid the thick glass door open and stepped out into the warm breeze, hearing the surf. It sounded different. I pulled the curtain closed behind me before I pulled the door shut and locked it.

Then I just sort of let out a long breath and set myself down on the cool concrete floor, leaning back against the wall.

I was kind of in the corner, but I liked it. It felt quiet, it felt calm, and I told myself nothing was going on. Nothing had to do with me. I could shut my eyes and when I woke up from the black, it could be bright and new again.

I didn't think I had any time to ever make anything bright and new again.

I cursed out loud as my point was proven by the sound of the other glass door being slid open. The one from the bedroom. I hadn't thought to lock it.

I opened my eyes. "Five minutes, AJ, geez." I was relieved it was him though.

He shook his head. "Five minutes isn't going to make a difference."

I didn't answer as he dropped down on the ground next to me, leaning his back against the wall with a groan. "You dumbass." He said it fondly though.

"This feels like deja vu."

"It is deja vu. You running out again."

"Is Brian gone?"

"Man, I don't understand you. You're the reason he's here. You."

"What's he doing?"

"Contemplating where he went wrong in raising you."

"He didn't raise me."

"Well there's his problem."

I shook my head. Sometimes the man just didn't make any sense at all.

"Last time we were like this, you told me you were leaving."

I thought about that.

"Are you gonna tell me again?" It was like he was pulling something out of me.

"I don't know."

"Man ..."

"It fucked me over last time. It was the wrong thing to do."

"You think so?"

"I don't know." I really didn't know.

"Just because something's not right doesn't mean it's wrong."

I shook my head at the ground, stretching out my feet in front of me. "Sometimes it does... Sometimes it's just wrong."

"Not this time."

"Jay ..." I shook my head again slightly, listening to the surf. I wanted to stay there, sitting there, forever. "I don't know what I'm doing this time."

There was hardly a hesitation from him, but it was there.

"I think we should go back." He said it, flat out, but somehow, I just didn't believe him. The sky was darkening, slowly eating itself away.

I didn't answer. Going back scared me.

"It's the best thing right now, man. If we need more time, we can work on it there."

I kept my silence.

"I don't know," AJ was saying suddenly.

I turned. "Don't ... Just keep saying what you were saying."

He glanced at me. "Tell me what you think."

I shook my head.

He stayed silent then too, leaning his head back against the wall and watching the sky eat itself. The minutes were going by, and suddenly I remembered Brian was inside.

"I wanted everything to be fixed when I came back," I said slowly.

"It's not gonna change unless you do something about it."

"I did do something about it."

"No, you moved away from it."

Getting away from it was half the battle for me, but it was looking pretty useless.

"I don't know what I want, man..." I started to pick myself off the ground, but when I thought about going back inside I quickly sank back down to the concrete.

"You asked for him to come." He knew I couldn't face Brian.

I couldn't comment.

"He does care, I'll admit that," AJ muttered. "He's here."

I wondered if that meant AJ cared. He was here too.

"Did you mean what you said before?" I looked straight at the bars in front of me, thinking back to when I was stepping on top of them. It felt so long ago. "About everything being shitty when we get back."

He took a long time to answer, so long I almost thought he hadn't heard me.

"Aje ..."

"Yeah."

"So you meant it?"

"Well it's gonna be different. But is that necessarily a bad thing?"

I shrugged. It could be.

"You said 'when' not 'if'," AJ commented, elbowing me slightly.

"Yeah."

"So it's inevitable."

"It's inevitable," I repeated.

-

I felt like everything around me was spinning, almost like I had gotten up too quickly. Except it wasn't going away. I felt like I was underwater, drowning.

Flights were being called, people were rushing by, coming, going, bags were being dropped off, checked in, picked up. I felt lost in the midst of it. I didn't know what I was doing.

"You alright?"

Brian was the first one to question when I stopped walking in the terminal. I just pulled my baseball cap lower by the rim and nodded slightly. Fine.

"What're you thinking?"

That was AJ's question, and I just shook my head at him.

I wasn't ready. I wasn't about to tell him that, but I wasn't. Nothing had settled yet. It was giving me motion sickness.

When we grabbed three seats at our gate after checking in our bags, I had to move. I couldn't do it. I felt like I was rushing something.

"I have to piss," I said, pushing my way out of my seat.

AJ was giving me a funny look, as if he knew something was up, but Brian nodded. AJ glanced at him, then back at me, staying silent the whole time. I think he knew. But he never said a word.

-

I didn't know what I was doing.

I knew what I was doing was the wrong thing, the problem was in my not being sure what the right thing was. Nothing felt right. That was my problem. The problem.

"Do you have a map of the area?" I asked at the booking desk.

Everything was set up to go back. I wasn't going to be alone in it. I didn't know why there was a sinking feeling in my stomach whenever I thought about it.

I didn’t know why I was running away from it.

"Here you go, sir."

I took the map from the woman and turned away from the counter without thanking her. I didn't want to thank anybody for giving me another option.

I sat down on the curb.

I didn't need any more options. I needed one set direction to go in, with no exits. No turnoffs. There weren't any directions like that.

A lot of cars passed me. Taxis were picking up people, vans were dropping other people off. I watched about eight family reunions and then pulled out my cell phone.

I went through about twenty names in my saved numbers and then came back to one that I had already passed. I stared at it again for a little while uncertainly and then slowly pressed the talk button.

It rang about three times before someone picked up.

"Hello."

I hesitated at Kevin's voice, not sure what to say, how to ask it. But I needed to know. So I worded it the same way I had for AJ.

"Will things be shitty if I come back tonight?"

Silence. There was a long pause.

Then, "Nick?" He said my name as if he had just realized who it was.

"Yeah."

A taxi pulled in front of the curb and the driver gave me a dirty, condescending look. It made me uneasy. Luckily two people moved forward to get the ride.

I realized I hadn't said anything back to Kevin.

"Listen," I said softly. "I was just-"

"Nick," he interrupted.

I stayed silent. All I wanted to know is what I had to expect if I got on the plane.

"Are you alright?"

"Just answer the question." I knew he didn't care if I was alright or not. He couldn't. He couldn't understand.

There was nothing but silence.

"Kevin."

"Just come back and we'll figure out things when you and AJ get here." It was obvious he wanted to say more, but he didn't. I guess he didn't want to push me away.

"And Brian." I don't know why I was keeping my voice low, but for some reason I felt the need.

"Brian?" There was a pause. "He said he went to Leigh's parents."

"He lied." I was genuinely surprised he had too.

Another pause. It felt long.

I looked down at my wrist for the time, but I wasn’t wearing a watch. Ever since I had left, the days had had no time.

"Nick, what were you thinking?"

I should have expected that question, but I didn’t. It caught me a little off-guard.

"Or did AJ-"

"This was my idea," I interrupted. I clicked off the phone and picked myself off the curb as another van pulled up to the curb. People were getting out. I quickly moved ahead so as not to get caught in their midst, and my cell phone started to ring.

It was Kevin calling back. I turned it off.

I was going to try and take a step in the other direction again.

Back at the gate, it had cleared out a bit. I saw Brian sitting there, by himself, and so I approached slowly. He didn’t look up until I was a foot in front of him.

"We thought you left." He said it stoically, his face a blank mask that I couldn’t decipher.

"Where’s AJ."

"Needed a cigarette."

I nodded slightly, and then took a seat. I left a space between us, pulling a bag up there as if I needed it there to look for something.

"We missed our flight."

I looked up. "We did?"

He nodded.

I frowned slightly, shaking my head. "Why didn’t you guys just leave, you thought I had."

He shrugged and didn’t give an answer, so I stopped looking at him.

For about five minutes, we sat there in silence. There was nothing to talk about. Nothing to discuss, or at least nothing we could start to discuss. I had begun to wonder what we were waiting for, since the flight had already departed, when a voice came from behind me.

"That was one long piss, man."

I turned my head to look at AJ. Like Brian, he didn’t have any expression on his face either, which kind of gave me the impression that he was annoyed.

"You change your mind?" He was pulling the bag off of the seat and taking its place. He reeked of smoke. I don’t think he cared.

"I just took a walk."

"No, you didn’t."

"You knew I was leaving," I muttered, staring straight ahead. "You just didn’t say anything."

He stayed silent, but he didn’t deny it. I knew he had.

Brian’s head turned, and he gave AJ this weird look. Something a mix between annoyance and surprise, more annoyance than the surprise really. "You knew?"

AJ didn’t answer. It was like I wasn’t even there, the way they were talking about me. I stayed out of it.

"You knew but you just let him go, just like that?" He was sounding angry now.

This time AJ gave him the irritated look. "Leave it, Brian."

"And what if he didn’t come back? What the hell were we going to do then?"

AJ shook his head. "He’s back, isn’t he?"

"But what if he wasn’t," Brian repeated.

"Shit man, I knew he was gonna come back, okay?"

"How?"

AJ didn’t answer. For a second I thought he was going to get up.

"How the hell, AJ? And why didn’t you say anything."

"Why don’t you just stay out of it, Brian," I said sharply.

Brian looked at me with that same look and then got up. "I’ll be back," he muttered, annoyed. I wondered if he would be.

I let out a huff and crossed my arms over my chest.

AJ was looking at me now, not pleased.

"What," I growled.

"Why the hell did you say that?"

I shrugged.

"Don’t tell him to stay out."

I didn’t answer and he hit me in the arm.

"Nick, I’m serious. We’re trying to fix things."

"You’re not doing a good job yourself, AJ."

"I’m not the one telling him to fuck off every five seconds."

"I didn’t say that."

"You might as well have."

I wasn’t going to argue him on it. "What’s his problem anyway?"

He didn’t answer for a second, I guess he was thinking. "He didn’t know you were gonna leave when you got up before."

"So?"

"I did."

It still wasn’t making much sense to me. I think my expression told him that.

"He doesn’t understand you anymore and he thinks I do," AJ said flatly. "How do you think he feels?"

I frowned slightly at that. "Did he tell you this?"

AJ didn’t answer.

"Maybe you should stop trying to analyze him, AJ."

"Will you stop being a prick long enough to take a look around, man? Jesus, he’s wrong. I don’t understand you at all."

I stared at him, a little hurt at his tone.

"Nicky-"

"Don’t look at me like that."

"All I’m saying is that maybe if you stop trying to push everybody away-"

"I don’t push everybody away."

A smile flickered across his lips, his deep brown eyes looked almost amused. Sadly amused.

"Don’t look at me like that," I repeated.

He didn’t answer. He didn’t look away either.

"Why’d you come with me anyway then? If I ‘pushed you away’ and everything." I said it sarcastically.

"You didn’t push me away," he said slowly.

"Then why didn’t you stop me."

He shrugged. "I don’t like people telling me what to do."

I looked across the terminal, which had emptied out considerably. "Do you think this was a waste of time?"

He shook his head no, not looking at me anymore. I didn’t think so either, not anymore. For one thing, I think we both understood each other a little more. Even though we said we didn’t.

"Did you come along just to stop me from doing stuff?"

"Honestly?" He looked at me and cracked a small smile. His eyes looked sad though. "I think I wanted it more than you."

I knew that.

"I still want it more than you," he added softly, shaking his head.

I nodded slightly. I knew that too.

"You scared me sometimes."

I looked at him seriously. "You scare me a lot of the time."

Something dropped into my lap before he could answer. A narrow ticket envelope for another flight. I looked up.

"It’s departing in ten minutes," Brian said, pointing to another terminal. "Over there."

AJ was already getting to his feet. I followed suit slowly.

"We can talk about it," I said to him.

He shook his head no and pulled his bag over his shoulder roughly, already heading toward the other terminal. I frowned slightly.

"He alright?" Brian’s voice came from my other side.

I glanced at him, hesitating slightly. "I don’t know."

Brian was busy picking up his bag, and he didn’t answer right away. "This trip ... This was your thing?"

I reached for my bag as he straightened up, not catching his eye. Up until this point I had been adamant about that one single fact, but now it was being asked directly and I wasn’t even sure anymore.

"I don’t know."

I looked over and AJ was just standing there, looking out the windows at the planes, his bag at his feet. I guess he was waiting for us.

The flight was being called.

"It doesn’t matter now," Brian said, starting to walk.

"Yeah ..." It sort of did though.

AJ cut himself away from the window as we approached. I noticed for the first time how bloodshot his eyes were. "Nicky, do you have to piss?"

I shook my head.

"I do."

I shook my head at him again.

"There’s one on the plane," Brian said.

AJ was looking at me.

"Yeah," I said.

Brian moved ahead a little, and I turned back to AJ.

"We can do it again," I said softly.

He looked at me and shook his head. "We do it again and I ain’t going back, Nick. Even if I miss it."

"You miss it this time?"

"Let’s just get on the plane, alright?"

"You miss it this time," I said.

He didn’t answer. We had to board before he ever did.

Our seats were toward the back of the plane, and as I got in after Brian, I turned my head toward AJ, wondering something. It was the same question I had wondered when I had gotten on the plane that brought us here.

"What," he said hoarsely, sitting down.

"No regrets?"

His answer took so long I doubted its validity.

"No regrets."

I nodded slightly as something cold settled to the bottom of my stomach. I turned my eyes straight ahead at the back of the seat in front of me, blinking quickly.

No regrets.

The End