That night I cried myself to sleep. Kevin tried to stay as long as he could, but he said he had things to do in the middle of the night. Whatever that was, at the time I really didn’t give a care. The next morning I could feel the puffiness of my eyes and my brain was throbbing in my skull.

There was knocking at my door as I made way to the bathroom to wash my face and put my hair in a ponytail. Slowly I walked to the door still in my pajamas and opened it without even wondering who it was.

I was torn between smiling and just slamming the door in his face. What the hell did he want?

“What do you want Alex?” I left the door open and made way to my room.

He followed me removing his jacket and throwing it on a whicker chair in the corner. I rummaged my closet pretending he wasn’t sitting on the corner of my bed staring at me.

“I wanted to make sure that you are ok. You looked so upset last night.” I could feel him standing behind me. I was still upset and I would be upset for a while. Slowly I turned to face him and felt Peanut do a flip as my eyes met with his. I was pretty sure babies didn’t move at this point in time.

It made me mad how indecisive I had suddenly become. I was acting like a high school girl who couldn’t make up her mind on who to take to prom. Only I was trying to decide who I loved and who I wanted to raise a child with. A child that neither one of them even knew about. Lately, I was so confused…when I was around Kevin I felt great and protected; like I could be with him forever. Then Alex would come along and he’d make every part of my body burn with desire and all I wanted was to be in his arms.

I watched as Alex ran his tongue over his bottom lip and crossed his arms over his chest. His gun holster was securely over his shoulder and to his side two guns hung from their holders. 

"You can't always be my knight in shining armor when you want. You have a fiancé that might not like that." 

He hung his head and shook it. "Not my fiancé anymore. Apparently I'm too busy with my family and we have to many issues that she doesn't want to be dragged into." Alex shrugged his shoulders.

"Oh!" I felt stupid. How could I comfort him when the news brought me joy. "I'm sorry."

"Are you?" He looked up at me. 

I bit my lip then moved out of his way trying to walk towards the bathroom. But he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me towards him. We were too close for comfort. His hands rested on my hips.

"I am." I whispered. 

It took me by surprise when Alex leaned in and kissed me. His lips engulfed my mouth and I responded. I couldn't help myself. I came to when I crashed against the closet door and I felt his hands slowly making way down my pajama pants. 

"Alex...wait..." I tried to say but the way his tongue assaulted mine was distracting. 

His mouth slowly made it's way down my chin to my neck. "I wanna make love to you." he spoke softly, his mouth moving down slowly.

It aggravated me a bit. That seemed to be all he wanted to do and then leave at the crack of dawn. "No..." I moaned pushing him away. He looked at me a little surprised. I shook my head. "I can't do this anymore. Let you come here and use me then leave me like I don't matter. I have a good man that really loves me and we are..."

He took a step back and looked at me puzzled. I knew deep down somewhere in that darkness there was love for me. Or at least I hoped. 

"What are you saying? You and him what?" he clenched his jaw.

I swallowed hard glaring at him. I knew what I was about to say would hurt him but I just couldn't keep playing this game.  "We are having a baby."

His eyes quickly moved down to my stomach and he removed his hands from my body. The tears stung as he looked at me with his big brown eyes in surprise. 

He spun around and stormed out of my room. I followed. 

"You didn't want a baby...remember. Alex...don't leave like this."

He stopped to grab his jacket and angrily pulled it on. He marched to the door.

"Alex..." I didn't know what to say.

He reached the door and spun around. We stared at each other in utter silence and then he broke it. "Fuck you both!" with that said he slammed the door. 

I wasn't sure if that was meant for me and Kevin or me and Peanut. It didn't matter...the words still stung. 

~~~~~~~

The rest of the day was shitty. I had to pretend like my whole life was ok and I was tough enough to hold down a big gorilla that was making a fuss at the local Winchells. Of course I didn't leave without my donut, which gave me a bit more comfort than Kevin. He seemed distracted and grouchy.

"You still haven't told me how you got the black eye!" I tried to make conversation as we sat in the cruiser.

He stared straight ahead for a minute or two. Then turned to look at me. "Someone knows I have the book. They came after me trying to get it but I don't have it here."

"What? Where is it?" I was curious.

"Somewhere safe."

I shook my head. At the moment I was more worried about finding out where our relationship was. If we could call it that. "Are we ok?"

"Of course." he gave me a not-so convincing shrug. "I'm sorry I have a lot going on right now. Not to mention that I'm always confused as to where we stand."

"Kevin..." I'm pretty sure that while on duty was not the way a man wanted to find out that he was going to be a father. But I'm...me and I do everything out of the ordinary.

"Is there something you need to say...shit tell me you're not going back with Alex. Because that..."

I interrupted his rant, "I'm pregnant, Kevin."

"Huh?" 

10-19 requesting backup on Main street. Possible riot breaking out. 

We both stared at each other in silence as the dispatcher repeated herself looking for a response. Kevin's eyes were still on me as he picked up the radio and let the dispatcher know we were on our way. 

"10-19 on route." he didn't say anything to me as he revved the engine, turned on our lights and we sped off with the siren blaring.

Was his silence good or bad?