That's exactly how 17-year-old Emily Carter felt at that moment.
She was laying in bed in yet another unfamiliar hotel room somewhere in Tennessee. At least, she thought it was Tennessee. That's what the last road sign she'd seen from the bus windows some hours before had told her.
She was surrounded by darkness - the only visible light, seeping in from beneath the bedroom door, was barely bright enough to illuminate a tiny spot on the carpeted floor. She could feel the steady rhthym of her heart as it pounded within her chest. Thump thump... thump thump. A feeling that once might have comforted her, now only made her even more uneasy.
She felt strange inside her own body. The kind of strange that can't really be explained. The kind of strange makes a person want to crawl out of their own skin. The kind of strange that can make a person want to end it all.
That's what she wanted to do at least... end it all.
For herself, and for everyone else.
She slipped out of her bed, sweat beads trickling down her neck as she edged her way as quietly as she could towards the bedroom door trying desperately not to make a sound. She didn't want them to know she was awake.
Silence was easy for her. She'd become somewhat a pro at it over the years. She pressed her cheek against the cool wood of the door and listened for any sounds. She could hear the two of them talking in the living room area... or rather arguing. They'd been arguing for hours. No doubt about her.
She heard a voice, her father's voice, "She has to go son. This is no longer an option!"
And another yelling back in harsh reply, "What the hell do you know?! Where have you been the past five damned years that you feel you have the right to lay out ultimatums?"
She leaned away from the door and wiped the tears that were pouring steadily down her cheeks and sighed. He was always trying to defend her. She was so not worth the fight.
Emily headed back over to the bed and threw herself down on top of the comforter. She reached into the drawer on the bedside stand and slipped the small bottle of pills from the safety of it's hiding place into her hand.
"I can do this." She thought to herself, wiping more tears with her sleeve as she fought unsuccessfully with the lid to the bottle. "I can do this right now and be done with this life. I can end this misery for all of us... right this very minute."
Instead though, she reached over and pulled the brochure her father had given her earlier in the evening off of the nightstand.
Blueriver Lodge, it read, Relax, refresh and restore.
It sounded nice, but she knew better. She set the bottle of pills down for a moment and flipped through the pages of the brochure. Page after page showed images of serene mountain views and beautiful landscaping, void of the photos they didn't want you to see. The ones of the inside of the lodge which probably looked more like a prison with padded cells and stark white walls, then a "beautiful realaxing retreat away from everything." But those were the things they wouldn't show you.
Emily really didn't want to go to this place. She wasn't crazy... was she?
She heard the sound of footsteps fast approaching and jumped quickly beneath the covers, rolling to one side and pulling them up around her neck as she tightly closed her eyes. Maybe if she faked it well enough they would believe she was asleep. Maybe if she faked it well enough, they would leave her alone.
She certainly didn't feel like talking.
The door opened momentarily and she felt the light hitting her face for a few brief moments before it was shut again and she was shrouded in darkness once more. She let out a sigh of relief and rolled onto her back, staring up at the ceiling, grateful to be alone with her thoughts. Grateful to not have to try and explain herself anymore.
"Hey sweetheart," she heard him say as he sat down beside her on the bed beside her.
"Damn."
