Emily tossed and turned in her half-hearted attempt to get a somewhat restful sleep, but the thoughts continued to plague her mind.
"You can end it now," the voices in her head told her repeatedly, "No one would miss you."
She shuddered and pulled the blankets up over her head as a chill shot painfully through her body. Her mind was working in overdrive way too often these days, spilling forth memories of the past and thoughts of the future to the point where the line between reality and nightmare had become blurred. She tried her best to relax, but found it useless. Years of trying to cope with the loss of the life she'd dreamt of was slowly but surely catching up to her. Day by day. Minute by minute.
Somehow though, she eventually drifted off to sleep... but even in sleep here mind refused to rest.
"Are you excited?" Nick asked, reaching across the seat of the car to where Emily was seated and taking her hand. She shook her head no. Excited wasn't really the word she would use to describe what she was feeling at that moment... terrified was probably a much more accurate word.
He looked towards her and frowned. "What's wrong sweetie?"
"Nick," she repsonded, pulling her hand away from his and turning to stare out the window of the car to the passing California scenery, "I think they've made it pretty clear that I'm not a part of their lives."
She kept staring out the window, which was easy seeing as she'd never been to California before so there was lots to look at. Nick waited until they'd stopped at a red light before he turned towards her and grasped her face in his hands so that he was sure she was looking him dead in the eye.
"You are a part of my life now Em... you have ALWAYS been a part of my life. And that means you are automatically a part of theirs whether they like it or not." He reached over and brushed her hair gently from her face before returning his facus to the road.
She shrugged her shoulders and turned her gaze back to the window. "I guess."
He was right afterall. It had been three years since Emily's mother had died and she'd spent the better part of those three years living in Nick's custody. He'd enrolled her in high school in Florida close to where their father lived and when he'd left to go on his solo tour she'd begrudgingly spent a few weeks with Bob and his new wife just to please her big brother. She couldn't deny that Nick had been an amazing guardian from day one, kind and caring, loving and nurturing and he'd been there any time and every time she'd needed to talk. He'd listened to her cry over her mother's death and he'd comforted her through many rough patches since then.
But there was so much he would never know... so much she felt he could never understand.
Now in return for all he'd given her, they were embarking on a journey he'd planned for himself. A journey she was not the least bit certain she wanted to be a part of.
"Nick?" she sighed leaning over and staring out the window again as they finally pulled up to the house where they'd be filming his new reality tv show.
"Yeah Em?"
"I don't have to do this if I don't want to right?"
"No Emily... you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. But will you please at least try it out... for me?"
She agreed hesitatingly as she cautiously stepped from the car. She really didn't want to do this. This was Nick's way of attempting to reunite with his estranged family and she didn't feel like she belonged. She'd met Angel and Aaron a couple of times and they'd all gotten along pretty well, so she wasn't too worried about them... but BJ had made it pretty clear, more than clear even... that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with her. Then again, as Nick had pointed out on numerous occasions, they all knew she'd be there and they'd still agreed to come, so maybe that was something... she didn't know. But she was still scared.
Her dream sped along and her vision blurred and unblurred and then she was sitting in a room... her room... in the home Nick had purchased for the filming of his show. She took a glance around at the decor he'd choosen for her, knowing that she was supposed to find it comforting. Nick was thoughtful that way.
He'd painted the walls a shade of pale green and the bedspread was checked in blues, greens and yellows. There were two white dressers against the wall with a desk situated in the center, and above those dressers hung black and white posters of New York City. It was almost an exact replica of the room she'd grown up in when she'd lived with her mother... before she'd died.
She sighed and laid back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. If only he know how much she'd hated that place... those walls... those memories.
All the rest of the Carters had already arrived and they'd seemed cordial enough. Angel and Aaron had taken turns giving her hugs and telling her how good it was to see her again. Leslie, who she'd only just met for the first time, simply stood back and stared for a few moments before giving her a hug and telling her how beautiful she was and how nice it was to finally meet her. Emily thanked her, pretty certain she was blushing. BJ had said hello... and not much else.
She sat on her bed and pulled her blanket from her backpack. It was the same blanket she'd had since she was a tiny baby. Her mom had bought it the day she fould out she was having a girl and her very first photo in the hospital had been taken of her wrapped up in the same blanket. She curled up on the bed and pulled it close, tucking it gently beneath her pillow where she always kept it. She knew it was stupid... that she was too old... that it was time to let it go. But she needed that blanket to remember her mother. It was the one tangible things she had left of her.
She stood and walked over to one of the dressers against the wall. There Nick had framed a photo of the two of them. Emily was just a baby and Nick was holding her. She was laughing up at him and he was making silly faces at her. It made her smile as she ran her fingertips down the edge of the frame.
She walked to the other dresser and stared at the second photo. A photo of her and her mother. The last photo ever taken of the two of them. She reached up calmly and turned it face down on the dresser. Everyone had told her it was a beautiful picture. "You both look so happy," they'd said. But she knew better. She could see the sadness in her mother's eyes. In both of their eyes. The sadness no one else ever saw. The sadness no one else would ever know.
"I'm sorry mom," Emily whispered as she wiped a tear that had found its way down her cheek, "I wish you were still here."
She was shaken suddenly from her thoughts by the sound of voices coming loudly through the vent by her bed. They were shouting. She hurried over and pushed it open as wide as she could to hear what they were saying. Moments later she wished she hadn't.
"She doesn't belong here Nick!" She heard BJ bellow as she leaned her head back and inhaled deeply.
"Bullshit BJ! What makes you say that!? She belongs here just as much as you or I, or any of us." It was Nick defending her... she should have known.
"Nick this show is supposed to be about the five of us growing up together. The CARTER children and how we overcame all the shit our parents put us through. How in the hell does she fit into that?"
"Wait a goddamn minute BJ." She heard Nick's voice again, "In case you're not aware, she IS a Carter. Your father is HER father. And in case you've forgotten, I've been raising her for the past three years. She's as much a part of my family as the four of you are."
He wasn't yelling... in fact, his voice was perfectly calm. Too calm. Emily knew that when Nick's voice was that calm he was really angry. She hadn't seen it too many times before, but the few times she had, it hadn't been pretty.
"Nick, I disagree. This is moronic! So she's been living with you for three years, so what! She hasn't been through half the shit we've been through in our lives! How can she possibly even begin to fit into our family!?"
That was the last straw. Emily couldn't sit and listen for another second. She stood calmly from the bed and headed for the door of her room. She opened it gently and walked purposely up the stairs to the living room, stopping at the door to peek in for a second before she entered. She could see them all sitting there. Angel and Aaron seated on the couch, looks of shock evident on their faces. Leslie was seated on the floor, her face buried in her hands as she cried quietly. Nick and BJ were standing in the center of the room still shouting at one another. When Emily finally did step into the room, their conversation stopped abruptly. The five of them turned towards her and stared silently as if waiting for her to be the first to speak.
And speak she did.
"I'm leaving," Emily told Nick, as he rushed over and took her hand, insisting that everything was okay... that this "wasn't what it looked like."
"I know. But I want to go." She shook her head as the others began to stand and walk towards her too, apologizing all the while, except for BJ, who stood silently in the corner with a smirk on her face.
Emily turned to her and nodded, "I'm sorry."
BJ frowned, "Sorry for what?" She said sarcastically with a snort.
"I'm sorry for growing up under the impression that I had five brothers and sisters out there who may someday care about me." Emily replied with a sigh, glancing away at the taken aback look on BJ's face. "Honestly I don't care what you think of me, but there is one thing I do want you to know..." she continued without really knowning what she was going to say next, but knowing something had to be said.
They all stood there silently, watching... waiting...
"Don't act like you know me. The truth is, you could never even possibly begin to imagine what I've been through in my life."
They all just sat and stared. Emily turned to where Nick stood, staring at her questioningly as he mouthed the word, "What?" She shook her head at him and he looked down at the floor as she wiped the tears that were now streaming down her cheeks. She turned quietly to leave the room.
"I'll be downstairs packing."
This time no one tried to stop her.
