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It's been a long time since that night that forever changed the Richardson family. They tried to move on, but certain events and a new case reunite old friends and a past that haunts will bring them back to harms way.
My favorite part of this chapter was Patty and the ringing phone. "Please call back" about gave me chills.
Author's Response:
aww, poor Patty! And thanks! :O)
I like that you're at least making Ariana semi-human. She does feel emotions, particularly sadness, when she thinks of what might have been. She's crazy, but still, there's that little bit of a heart there. lol. I'm really intrigued to hear the rest of Kevin Sr's story.
Yes, I wanted her to show some remorse for her actions. You are coming up to a part where I took a very, very long break! So long I did a catch up chapter just in case everyone had forgotten what happened. This is the story I was writing when I started to run out of fanfic mojo.
Oh! A drug raid! Makes much more sense now. I don't necessarily like Kevin Sr., but I had a hard time imagining him killing someone "in cold blood." Just to clarify, I thought Ariana said earlier that he killed her parents, not just her mother? And I'm a little confused about if/how this is linked to the baby killer case.
Author's Response:
Actually I think it was me that said he killed both her parents in response to a review and I was wrong lol I think by now we know I have the WORST memory on the planet. I even forgot about the drug raid and most of what is coming up next, actually. That's another reason why I've been reading ahead. Sometimes I wonder if I even wrote this thing at all! FAIL!
You know, one of my biggest regrets looking back on this story and since you brought it up I'll say it now instead of later, is the gaping plot hole with the whole baby killer thing. Well, not really a hole because the information was in my head, but it's one of those things I don't think I actually thoroughly explained in the story. When I was writing this, especially once you hit chapter 37 and beyond, my goal became finishing this more so than explaining and that's where I went wrong. I had lots of my own drama going on in my life towards the end of writing this story (one of my best friends died of cancer and a bad breakup) and you can almost tell a shift in the storytelling because of it. I was so eager to explain why Nick was targeted I kind of lost the fact that all these other kids were also killed in the process. Although, to be fair, I might have explained it in a later Jack scene and just don't recall, so if I didn't then when it's all said and done I'll try to explain any holes I missed! LOL
I know I'm supposed to be all "OMG! Did Kevin get shot?!", but really I'm still focused on how hard I laughed when Howie was all stark-raving mad at AJ for having an affair with his wife. I can see him doing that ( in a much sillier situation, of course). For the record, I've yet to see much of a shift in your writing. Hiatus or not, it's still pretty awesome.
Author's Response:
LMAO yes, Howie was pretty mad and jumped to a ton of conclusions. Poor Howie though, too bad that's not actually what was happening. It's kind of sad for him that after the fact, he would probably have preferred that first scenerio.
This was a GREAT chapter. Nice twist with the car wreck, and you've definitely got me wide-eyed over the lighter fluid on Nick's clothing thing. I had forgotten about that! But it's on Ariana, too, right? Is this how she dies??? I kind of feel bad, but it would kind of be a good way for her to go. Anyway, I like that even though this is a very intense chapter, you still managed to throw in some humor. i.e.- "AJ, thank God you’re okay. Why the hell didn’t either of you call me to let me know you weren’t dead?” and “Well if you do talk to the bitch, tell her I am alive and she can suck it!" I literally laughed at those lines because they seemed a little out of place in such an intense scene, yet were still appropriate.
I'm kind of impressed that you want her to die at all. Thanks! I'm really proud of this chapter. I wanted to name it as my favorite action chapter in the other thread but since a few of you are or will be reading this story, I didn't want to give this chapter away lol I needed to add AJ banter in there. His character seemed like the kind to be all "In Your Face!" when he did something no one expected him to so I could see him doing something like that to Ariana if given the chance. You'll have to see if Ariana dies by fire or dies at all!
Well, I do think Ariana had to go. What I wasn't expecting was for her husband to do it! I like that turn of events from a literary standpoint. Gives it an emotional depth that wouldnt necessarily be there otherwise, especially after seeing Ariana's true feelings in that she actually loved him. As per the overarching theme....poor Howie. But also blessed Howie, since he has the support of that family.
Author's Response:
I knew I was going to kill her off but I wasn't really sure how I was going to do it. I figured in the end, Howie being the one to do it was the most justified so I went with that. I wanted to make sure she was rescued from the car by her brothers to give her a chance to redeem herself, but when she didn't then it was okay for me to off her! LOL yes, Howie really doesn't have it easy in this story. Poor guy! Im' sad you're one chapter away from being done! This has been fun!
Excellent way to end it! With me finally being right about something in this story! LOL Well, I had this long, thoughtful final review in my head when I actually finished reading this before I left for work this morning, and my little boy found it appropriate to confiscate my laptop so that he could watch Power Ramgers on Netflix. Never mind that there was a big flat screen television he could watch them on instead....
Anyway, looking back over this story, I liked that it kept me guessing a little more than the last one, and I think the Ariana story line was a really interesting one. I would have liked to hear more of Kevin Sr.'s side of the story, and I'm still not sure we ever got the scoop on exactly why Kevin Sr. went into witness protection? Was it running from Ariana? Then, how did she end up working at the station? Also, you're right in that I don't think there was ever a really clear explanation of the link between Ariana and the baby killer case, and how that all related to Dad going into witness protection. In my head, I'm thinking maybe Jack was the link? Like, Jack was her boyfriend, and he was involved with the Scott Wilson and Patty's dad (his name escapes me at the moment), so Ariana found a way to have Nick kidnapped and make it look related to that case. Or was there a stronger link than that that I'm missing or forgetting? Overall, I think both stories could actually stand alone, other than having Ariana kill Jackie at the end of the last one, and I think that's part of what makes them great. As is the case with most sequels, I did like the other one better. Maybe it's more because you set the tone with that one more than anything. That being said, if I'd read this one first without having read To Protect and Serve first, it would still be one of the best pieces of fanfic I've read so far! I've really enjoyed this, Mare! perhaps I'm going to have to pick up another one of your stories soon. I actually haven't read a large portion of your stories.
Yup, you knew he would end up joining the FBI in the end! Kudos for that! But most importantly Stacy lived through the entire story AND Kevin, Howie and Nick all also ended up with living girlfriends! lol
In the OF version, if I get around to this one, lot's of things would change and one of them is to really explore more of Kevin Sr's past. Give him some flashback scenes leading up to that night he needed to go into witness protection and what happened. I never really explained it because I never really thought it through all that much to be honest. I just needed a reason for dad to be gone where everyone thought he was dead. I shouldhave explained that in Protect and serve but never did. It will be explained in the OF version. I didn't really form Dad's character as solidly as I wanted to because in all honesty I kept playing with the the idea of killing him off throughout this story. I was afriad to do that though because I didn't want to take away from some of the other stuff going on. I felt like it would have been a little too much drama, if that makes sense?
Jack was in on the baby killings. That was another thing that didn't play out the way I wanted it to. But you are right when it comes to Ariana hooking up with him to convince John to kidnap Nick. I think that was Patty's dad's name lol I don't remember either but since John is my dad's name and I was Patty, I bet it was! John really was the baby killer but Ariana had an active part. There was a small flashback scene where Nick kind of brings her into a memory but again, in retrospect, I should have made a bigger deal out of it. Like I said, I was running out of patience when writing this one and just started rushing to finish it. I believe I had let about 2 years lapse between chapters 36 and 37! Talk about mean cliffies!
Thanks so much for reading this and all the insight you've given me along the way! I am so glad you enjoyed both of them and I'm completely flattered that you think it's one of the best things fanfic wise you've read. I always looked forward to getting your feedback because I knew you would be helpful and honest. I do look forward to finding you reading something else soon! They aren't all disturbing psycho dramas, I promise...but most of them are! LMAO Thanks again, Emily!
I actually did mean to mention how happy I was that they all had living wives/girlfriends at the end! That was in the original review in my head that got intercepted by the little guy! (he intercepts a lot of thoughts these daya...lol) I also meant to tell you that had there not been a little manifesto in between chapters 36 and 37, and if there were no dates on the stories showing when they stard and ended, I'd never know that you took such a long break from it. I really didn't see much of a change in your writing, other than the fact that you got a little trigger happy (pun intended) to get to the end. I'd love to get a chance to read the OF one of these days!
LOL I was so surprised you didn't mention that! Good to know there was no interuption in the flow and if I ever finish them I'll send them your way. (the OF versions)
I can see Howie being extremely intimidated by Kevin, too.
He has that way about him, definitely! Thanks for all the feedback, Emily! :O)
I really like how metaphor-driven this story is. First, the blurry dull trees, now the
"static," even the story title itself. Well done. I had to laugh at how Kevin is talking about not being able to get the plumbing to work right the older he gets. LOL. Again, the mark of a young Mare. I, too, thought Keivn was ancient when he was what? 31? Now here I am knocking on 30's door and think, man, they're all still so young! haha
Thanks! I think Kevin's personality in general always makes him seem older than he is. I bet when he was 12, his friends talked about him like he wasa grandpa! LOL
"Silence. Should be comforting, even golden, but seems oddly misplaced in here." Love that line! Good theory on why Howie and Brian aren't getting along. I can totally see that happening. Your inclusion of AJ's alcohol cravings makes it seemmore real. I'm sure it's a still a daily struggle.
Thanks, Emily! And I agree, I am sure it's a constant struggle for AJ. I can only imagine.
Love the imagery of the "dull blurry trees" here.
Thanks! :O)
I love that Brian's simple attention to Nick by asking him to finish his thought totallly seemed to turn around his day. Nick has always intrigued me. We all know there's more there than what meets the eye, but of all of them, I'd bet Nick's got the biggest story to tell.
That's why even though Kevin is my favorite, I tend to write most about Nick. I find him the most layered out of them all. I kind of can't wait for his autobiography to come out!
Hey there! I thought it was only fair I get started on reading your story since you're leaving some great feedback for mine! First off, I can definitely tell that this is the writing of a young Mare, and it's cool to see how much you've grown as a writer. That being said, the content is still very,very good! I got a little confused by the tense jumping back and forth from present to past, but I see how that's exactly what you were trying to do-- Having Kevin talk both about what's happening in the car right now and the way they were. This very much has a "stream of consciousness" vibe to it, which actually works here since it's the boys' thoughts you're writing. I think it's interesting that you've written Kevin and Nick as very close companions at this point in time (what? circa 2003?), and that there is so much tension between Brian and Howie. Angry an annoyed Howie isn't a character you see much in fanfic, as he's always portrayed as the sweet and happy peacemaker. We all know that can't be true 100% of the time, so it's a little refreshing, actually. Love the last line. It says so much in so few words.
Ick, no kidding! The grammar police would have a field day with this one! I think it was my second one right after Mizpah and I was still trying to get my lets give each person their own line for quotes thing down. I think this is one of the ones where I might have accidentally switched up points of view too. From first to third or vice versa. I don't remember which one this is actually. lol That's interesting about Kevin and Nick. I love their relationship so much it was probably more wishful thinking than anything on my part and I tried to purposely stay away from winky D. Thanks, Emily! I forgot you were reading this one.
Aww...Loved it! Good way to end a chapter that started out really depressing! Haha- I can totally see Brian doing the thumb-sucking thing witn AJ.
LOL I wish I could remember what you're talking about. It's been such a long time since I've written this and I haven't read it since then. I might have to g back and re read this one.
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