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Double Rainbow All The Way Awards - 2014


"So Vivid" - Best First Person POV - Runner Up: Dodging The Daylight


"Oh, Oh My God!" - Best Horror/Suspense - Winner: Dodging The Daylight


"I Can't Even Capture It On My Camera" - Best Novel - Runner Up: Dodging The Daylight

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Reviews by KeepThisSecret
Sick as My Secrets by RokofAges75 Rated: R [ - ]
Summary: The sequel to Unsuspecting Sunday

“We had it all, this love so strong. Now everything we had is gone. If you could read my mind, you’d know I’ve crossed that line…”

While Nick struggles to deal with what happened on the cruise, Howie’s indiscretions lead to dire consequences.

Categories: Fanfiction > Backstreet Boys
Characters: Group, Howie, Nick
Genres: Angst, Drama
Warnings: Sexual Content, Slash M/M
Series: Sick as My Secrets
Chapters: 82 Table of Contents
Completed: Yes
Word count: 212043
Read Count: 251705


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Published:
02/26/14 » Updated: 06/17/17
Reviewer: KeepThisSecret Signed
Date: 01/20/17 Title: Chapter 52: Chapter 51

Ugh! Nick Plague is most definitely a thing! That man has totally made me sick and not in a good way. LOL

So, it's a good thing that Howie kept his emotions in check and didn't do anything drastic. He should know Nick well enough by now; any sudden movements (re: too much too soon) is going to make him bolt. I am sticking to my notion that Nick is looking for comfort and not romance and that this whole thing is going to leave Howie with a broken heart.

Oh! And can you not cut Howie a break?! Like, seriously, the poor man! AIDS, divorce, lost custody, liver transplant, sh*t with Nick, and now a random rash ... I really don't see him making it to the end of the story at this rate!! HAHA

Author's Response: Nick Plague is absolutely real! I've had it a couple of times after meeting Nick, and the last time I didn't even touch his hands. It must be airborne. I think Howie knew better than to try to push Nick any further. Last time, that didn't work out so well for them. LOL And I know, poor Howie... he'll never catch a break as long as he's stuck with me as the writer. Although he should be honored - he's never been a leading man in one of my stories before, and I only torture the ones I love, so clearly he's grown on me. Thanks so much for the review. I always enjoy reading your thoughts!

Reviewer: KeepThisSecret Signed
Date: 05/26/17 Title: Chapter 71: Chapter 70

Omg! The two of them and their bloody pictures - killing me! Sorry for my delay in getting around to reading this. I was away for the long weekend and have been playing catch up with life for the past few days. Anyways, Nick is totally getting back with Lauren! Howie is putting himself out there and telling everyone about him and Nick, and Nick is lurking in the shadows. He won't go public. I know that he won't. It's too bad, really. Nick is totally using Howie, and poor Howie can't even realize what's happening.

Author's Response: I know! No new ones this week, though - sad. Can't wait for them to get back to Vegas and post more! Yeah, Nick is definitely still lurking in the shadows at this point. Howie is still not out publicly, but is clearly getting more comfortable telling people. Thanks for the review; I always enjoy reading your thoughts!

Reviewer: KeepThisSecret Signed
Date: 06/17/17 Title: Chapter 77: Chapter 76

Well, I saw that coming! Dumb ass Nick and his fear of commitment. So, he's going back to be "alone", which really means that he's going to realize that he wants to be with Lauren. However, something will take a turn for the worse in terms of Howie's heath, Nick's desire to please everyone but himself will take over, and he'll probably do something totally stupid like propose to Howie just so that Howie doesn't die alone. Oi! I can totally see his insane logic working away in the back of his mind already.

Author's Response: LOL You called pretty much everything except the part about Nick proposing to Howie. That just felt too cheesy to me. But I felt - and I think it showed in my writing - all through this story that Howie loved Nick more than Nick loved Howie (romantically, anyway), so it just made the most sense to torture Nick by killing Howie and then let him go back to his true love, Lauren.

Reviewer: KeepThisSecret Signed
Date: 06/17/17 Title: Chapter 78: Chapter 77

Well, well, well, Nick doesn't want to be alone, huh?? *looks around to see that no one is surprised* I love that you have kept up with the predictability of his character. The way you write him makes me want to reach through the screen and slap some sense into him!! (That's a good thing btw)

I can't believe that this story is coming to an end!! What am I going to do?? You better start another novel so that I can have something to read and so that we can keep talking through the reviews! Haha

Author's Response: LOL Thanks! I know; I haven't written anything for a week, and it feels like there's this void in my life. I do have a couple of unfinished stories that could use my attention, and I also have like 4 new ideas bouncing around in my brain, and I haven't figured out yet what to tackle first, but I'm sure I will start another one at some point. I've enjoyed our conversations through reviews! LOL

Reviewer: KeepThisSecret Signed
Date: 06/17/17 Title: Chapter 79: Chapter 78

Okay, so I know that this chapter was supposed to be very heavy and serious, but the Ebola bit made me laugh. Nick and his idiotic thought patterns are one of my favourite things about your writing.

Anyways, Howie is totally gonna die. I'm humming that bloody AIDS song now. LOL

Oh! I forgot to mention in my last comment, but thanks for not being overly graphic with the slash sexy bits. I really don't know how you write those without having a permanent cringe on your face or laughing the entire time. I would just give up!

Author's Response: The Ebola bit cracked me up too! I love writing Nick for that reason. LOL Maybe now I can finally stop singing that song all the time... "AIDS AIDS AIDS!" Thanks for the feedback on the sex scene. I hadn't planned on writing another one, but then I felt like I needed to throw one more in there to show Nick and Howie's rekindled relationship before things went south. I tried to include just enough detail that you could tell what was happening without being graphic or gross. I pretty much do cringe/giggle the whole time, LOL.

Reviewer: KeepThisSecret Signed
Date: 06/17/17 Title: Chapter 80: Chapter 79

Omg! The bit with James and Holden was so sad! As a mom, that totally killed me. I can't even imagine. Ugh! I love that you brought all of the guys back for this; so fitting that they're the only ones there - just the five of them.

I was enjoying all of the updates and now you leave me hanging like this?? Are you trying to give me heart failure?? Where is the update?! Haha

Author's Response: That's the part that got to me the most, too, Howie talking to James and Holden. That "Big Star Little Star" show Howie and James did last week just made it worse! Ahh! You know I had to bring all the boys back before the end of the story. Thanks!

Reviewer: KeepThisSecret Signed
Date: 06/18/17 Title: Chapter 81: Chapter 80

I knew it!! Still, it didn't make this chapter any less sad. Kudos on doing such an amazing job with this final official chapter. It was such an emotional roller coaster. As a Brian girl, I was so pleased that you had Brian be there for Nick. It seemed strangely fitting that they would come back together over this moment.

Anyways, I'm gonna go and have Father's Day breakfast with my family now and try not to be an emotional mess over this. Haha!! I will be back for the final epilogue later!

Author's Response: You called it! Thanks so much! As a fellow Brian girl, I loved the idea of Brian being there for Nick too. I felt like, of all the boys, he seemed to understand Nick's relationship with Howie the best, so I thought he was the best choice to be there to console Nick. Hope you made it through Father's Day okay! LOL

Reviewer: KeepThisSecret Signed
Date: 06/19/17 Title: Chapter 82: Epilogue

I knew he would end up with Lauren in the end! I just wanted to yell a massive "you go girl!" when Lauren was calling Nick out on his ridiculous logic. Oh man; I can't believe this is over! What's gonna happen to the boys? Are they going to go on and continue to be BSB without Howie?? How are the others going to cope with his death?? So many questions!

I just wanted to thank you so much for seeing this story through to the end. I don't think that I will ever read another slash story, but you did an incredible job with this one. You are an incredible writer and I hope to see you pop up with a new venture soon. Thanks for the great read and for the conversation along the way. 😀

Author's Response: Yep, you called that too! It was so satisfying to write that last conversation between Nick and Lauren, especially when she was calling him out like that. I didn't want to skip ahead too much into the future and deal with all those questions, like what happens to BSB... I don't even want to think about what they would do in that situation. Too sad! I have never shied away from killing Backstreet Boys when the story calls for it, but for some reason, this one really bummed me out last week!! Now I'm just trying to figure out what my next project will be to fill the SAMS void. Thanks for sticking with me on this one and reading till the end, even though I know slash isn't your thing. I don't know that I'll ever write another one, but it was a fun challenge for me, and I became a lot more comfortable with it as the story went on, so I think it helped me grow in a way. Thanks for all your feedback! I enjoyed our conversations as well. Don't forget to pop onto the discussion boards (when they work again) for more fanfic/BSB conversation! :)

Reviewer: KeepThisSecret Signed
Date: 04/27/17 Title: Chapter 67: Chapter 66

Okay, I have to comment on the picture first because I laughed so hard when it popped up on my Instagram feed! Sometimes, I swear that the guys must lurk here and read some of the stuff. Like Nick saw this story and was all: "Yo, Howie, let's get coordinating pastel dress shirts and go out for brunch together just to mess with the fans over at AC who are all reading this super popular fic about us being a couple ...".

Anyways, to get back to this chapter, Howie and his bloody wink! I actually cringed at that bit! Really?! Don't be an idiot, Howie! Ugh! If you want to scare Nick away, flirting with him during dance rehearsals for a love song is probably the best way to do it!

Also, Lauren is not gone for good. I've decided. Nick is getting back with her and Howie is gonna be devastated.

Finally, Brian of course peaced out to be with Leighanne and Baylee. Are they ever NOT around?! Another ugh!! :)

Author's Response: OMG, I did the same thing with that picture, and another friend tweeted me and said it reminded her of this story, so I knew I had to post it next time I updated. Howie and his winking...LOL. Sometimes I think he can't even help winking, like it's some sort of tic. Interesting prediction about Lauren. And yes, of course Brian went with Leighanne and Baylee. Why would he ever go out to lunch with the other guys without them?? Ugh indeed. Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: KeepThisSecret Signed
Date: 06/04/17 Title: Chapter 73: Chapter 72

Well, of course it's going to blow up in your face, Nick! How could you think otherwise?? LOL God, men are clueless sometimes.

I laughed at the bit about Lauren sounding like Brian. Funny how the two people who know Nick the best are able to see right through him and call out his relationship with Howie for what it is; pure convenience. Nick has never been good at being alone, and now poor Howie has fallen victim to his need to always have someone standing next to him. It's sad really.

I see that there's another chapter waiting for me. One of the benefits of being behind!! Haha On to the next!

Author's Response: LOL! I love reading your reactions. Thanks!

Reviewer: KeepThisSecret Signed
Date: 06/04/17 Title: Chapter 74: Chapter 73

Hmmmm so will Howie getting sick complicate things as far as Nick is concerned? We all know that Nick is a people pleaser. Will he stay with Howie simply because his health is failing, or will he actually put his own feelings front and centre and go after Lauren? I think that he's going to go after Lauren; he still loves her and I feel as though Lauren is going to convince him that the HIV isn't the defining status of them being together or being apart.

As for the group dynamic, if Nick and Howie fizzle out and Nick gets back to Lauren, Howie is going to be the one to suffer when all of the guys are together. Nick will just slide right back into his heterosexual role with a female partner and rejoin his " bro" lifestyle with the other guys. They will all talk sports and boobs and move on; Howie will be the odd man out. The other guys will still accept him of course, but he won't be a part of the group in the same way.

So, how do I see this ending? I told you already that Nick will end it with Howie. So, I predict that Nick gets back with Lauren and that poor Howie either goes back into liver failure or decides to end it all before he can either get too sick OR before Nick can end their relationship. So, pretty much I don't see Howie making it to the end of this story. Is that terrible?? I don't know ... LOL

Author's Response: I love reading your take on everything and your predictions for how it will end. I'm afraid to say too much, so I will just say thanks for reviewing and leave it at that. :)

Reviewer: KeepThisSecret Signed
Date: 04/03/17 Title: Chapter 64: Chapter 63

You're back!! Yay! I'm assuming that you went to see the boys in Vegas over March Break. How was it?? I've seen nothing but positive comments floating around the web. :)

LOL at the bit about Holden looking like Nick. I totally agree!! I seriously don't understand how Howie produced that child. :P

I have to give you kudos for being realistic about Holden wanting to escape his stroller. I swear my child feels as though her stroller is a prison. I don't get it. I mean, I would love for someone to push me around everywhere I went while I chowed down on some delicious Gold Fish crackers.

So, what will come of all of this now? Will Howie tell his family? Will he and Nick tell the other guys? Will they "come out" as a couple? I still think that Nick won't let it happen; that he will back out before it can get serious and everyone finds out. We'll see.

P.S. Glad to know I haven't been the only one singing that damn AIDS song in my head this entire time!

Author's Response: I'm back! Sorry for disappearing for a few weeks. March flew by - so busy!! I did go see the Boys in Vegas, and it was so much fun! Then I was sick for like two weeks. Finally feeling better and ready for my real spring break, which starts next week. Hoping to get some writing done then! I see Holden's resemblance to Howie in his face, but that blonde hair!! Must be Howie's Irish genes coming out. LOL I don't have kids, but I do have a young niece and nephew and have seen how much they both hated riding in a stroller anywhere where there was lots of stuff to see and touch. I agree; I would happily ride in a stroller now! LOL AIDS AIDS AIDS!!!

Reviewer: KeepThisSecret Signed
Date: 04/29/17 Title: Chapter 68: Chapter 67

Okay, so that is my favourite song from that (almost fully terrible) collaboration album, and now every time I listen to it I'm gonna picture Nick and Howie. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Nor am I sure how I'm going to explain to people why I will be laughing away to myself like a crazy person during a very sweet song. 😛

Now, will Howie actually tell them the truth?? I don't think that he will. I think (hope) that he has more respect for Nick than to out him like that. However, if he does drop the bomb on the others than Nick will be back with Lauren faster than Howie can wink just to save face!

I also love how Kevin was the one to ask the question first. My bets were on AJ to be the one with the big mouth. Brian, of course, stayed silent - no surprise there. That being said, part of me thinks that Brian will be the one to go after Nick and get him to "out himself". As much as I don't agree with a lot of what comes out of Brian's mouth at times, I really think that he would accept Nick even if his choices went against his beliefs (especially if Leighanne weren't around to convince him to say otherwise). 😀

Author's Response: LOL! Ya know, I didn't like the Nick & Knight album the first time I heard it, but it grew on me, and I actually enjoy most of the songs on it now. Halfway There isn't my favorite, but it's a beautiful song. I will always think of this story when I hear it from now on, too. I love your predictions, especially the one about Brian. Stay tuned! :) Thanks for the review!

Reviewer: KeepThisSecret Signed
Date: 05/15/17 Title: Chapter 70: Chapter 69

So, is it just me, or does Howie keep posting about him and Nick being out and about together doing stuff?! Every time I see one of his Instagram posts, I grin stupidly to myself and think about this story. Seriously though, you do know that someone has tipped them off about this story and they're totally playing with all of us, right?! LOL

Anyways, I'm still standing by my prediction that Nick is going to leave Howie and totally devastate him. He won't risk jeapordizing his place as fan favourite. He thrives off of all the ladies lusting after him, and he knows that admitting to being in a relationship with Howie will destroy that part of his career. In the end, Nick needs the constant attention and just getting attention from Howie won't be enough. He's going to call it quits, and I don't know where that will leave Howie.

Author's Response: LOL It's not just you! I laugh every time one of them posts a pic of them out and about together. They make a cute couple! ;) Thanks for the predictions and the review!

Reviewer: KeepThisSecret Signed
Date: 06/09/17 Title: Chapter 75: Chapter 74

No matter what the situation, Nick always has something to prove to someone else; prove that he can make a movie, prove that he can put out solo material, prove that he can write a book, prove that he can be on tv, etc., etc. Now, he's turned his relationship with Howie into something to prove. He's not in it for himself anymore. He's in it to keep Howie happy while he's sick and to prove to the other guys that he's "for real". Well, Nick, you can't get any more fake than you are right now. He wants out, but now he won't leave, and that's the worst thing he could possibly do.

Ugh! As much as I'm annoyed by Nick's stupidity at the moment, I loved the bromance with all the guys in this chapter. I miss the group dynamic; you write it so well!

Author's Response: That is such an interesting point! I never thought of it that way, but I like your interpretation. Glad you enjoyed the bromance, and thanks for the compliment! I feel bad that I didn't have more of it in this story, but I wanted to focus more on Nick and Howie's relationship and not complicate the storyline by having the other guys around all the time. Thanks for the review!