The Girls by elleinad
Story Notes:

rewritten since being posted elsewhere a while ago...

enjoy

 

The Girls by elleinad

 

I knew my surroundings were much different than his even though we were living in the same moment, only approximately 1500 feet away from each other. I was laying down, eyes closed in the quiet desolation of an empty bus. He was singing, dancing, being erotic…on a stage in a room full of yelling females. He was probably happy at least to be doing all of what he found enjoyment in during those moments.

I knew what would happen later. He would come back to the bus, kiss my cheek. We would drive a while to the hotel and slip away into our room. He would take a shower and I would lay down again, since it would be early in the morning then. And I would be tired. He would come to lay with me. He would say a few things and I would turn off the light. He would undress me and even though I would be tired and nothing else, I wouldn’t stop him.

And so I wait for him. I would wait and wait and try not to think of why I was waiting. I didn’t even have to think of it anymore, it was just always available in my mind for reflection if I so felt the need to do so.

It was girls.

Girls I never met, who knew more about me than my little brother, who had more pictures of me on their computers than any of my ex boyfriends ever did. Girls who want to be my friend, just to be with my other ones. Girls who talk about me without ever talking to me, who tell stories about me as if they were part of it. Girls who I have to live with, even though I don’t know their names. And I was willing, but resentful, which I felt bad about sometimes because I knew what I was getting out of dealing with them. And for that, I would do anything.

But they were always there, the girls. Ruthless, over and over. Picture, signature, story, repeat. And sometimes I would watch from the safety of a tinted glass shield. And other times I saw it on glossy paper covers when I went to buy bananas.

I doubted both of us. Me for my eventual breakdown I wasn’t sure I could prolong or prevent. And I doubted him because I wasn’t sure what exact proportion of time and space would result in his unwillingness to stay waiting when we weren’t together. And I was always confused. And I hated the lack of certainty in my life and the way I doubted us, but I was positive that none of that could be controlled and that I would not tolerate it for anyone or anything else. Still though, I knew I would never find an easy way out. Leaving would leave me lonely and broken. Showing my discomfort would make me “evil”, “bitchy” and “undeserving” in small black text on boards with rows and columns and page after page of tidbit on my life, love and personality. I could defend myself, say something they didn’t want or expect to hear, or stay quiet but I never knew what material I supplied them with, but the girls always found something. Baby? Wedding? Broken up?

Sometimes they were asking the same questions I was.

But all I thought of now was the crowd, not the girls themselves, just the existence of the crowd. And I was thankful off and on. If not for them, then not for me and what I’m here for. Without him I had no label, no place in this situation. To the girls I was the girlfriend. But in my own eyes, in my own real life, I was inspiration and devoid of weighty conversations of business. I was love and I was support, I was graciousness and I was safety above and along with all other comforts. And had it not been for the girls I might not have become such important things to the person I had. If not for them, I may not have ever gotten the chance to be completely involved in one life surrounded by loveliness.

For that reason alone, I cherished them. For bringing me to what I consider my home, my life and my sanity even though I feel myself slipping away from the latter sometimes.

I hear the door open for the 23rd night and one pair of footsteps and that’s all. Because I don’t listen for the screams or the cries or the yells that follow him and seep into his aura. I sit up to stand and he takes me into his arms and I smile because I know that tonight, even if it’s only a little bit, I will get more time with him than the girls. And for that, I am grateful.

And I know it’s genuine, his wanting to commit to such a night, because they can be vicious and they can demand. But they can’t tell him how to love or who to love and they can’t have him like I do. Because I am here and I closed the space when I held him- the space I was afraid would eventually permanently divide us. And although there were hundred of things for me to consider on this night, many of them concerning him and my being with him, I let them alone for the moments he held me and I was the only one.

And I close my eyes and think about him and I think about how if I was one of the girls, I would think about this. And because I read it in the rows on the boards, I know they do.

But these moments are mine and the times when we walk the parking lots behind hotels because there’s nowhere else to get fresh air – those are my moments too. And when he lays next to me and tells me he loves me- it’s mine and no one else knows what it’s like. The day we spent hiding from everyone because he didn’t want to be found – it’s ours because no one else ever even found out we were hiding on purpose. And every little whispered word at dawn and all the times he kisses me – belong only to me.

And I’m not selfish for wanting it to stay that way, for wanting my privacy. And I’m not undeserving of this just because I have anything else they don’t. I’d give back all my designer fashions, every piece of jewelry and anything else they wanted if it meant more of him, if it ever came down to a choice. Or even if it was just a requirement, I would follow suit according to every detail, just to insure he would be mine.

Because I know what they know, and so much more. So I know why they love him. And the only difference between us is I know what it feels like to have him love me. Which is why I doubt from time to time. Because really, I could easily be just another girl.

 



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